I had a fascinating conversation yesterday.
A woman I spoke to shared that she been struggling in a certain area and was looking for resources to help her. As she looked in depth at different programs available, she began to feel concerned about the meta message inherent in the various products she was looking at. That message was, you can’t improve or grow or figure out an issue you’re having without a professional telling you how to do it.
In the end, through a lot of introspection and conversation with a trusted family member, she was able to work through it on her own. She found it very empowering to come to a positive resolution on her own, and after getting clarity on what the real issue was, is confident that the program she was considering enrolling in wouldn’t have helped her deal with it. She would have missed out on all that personal development if she had gone the route of enrolling in a course.
Obviously, there are lots of great courses out there that can enrich someone’s life. And since effective marketing is often about telling people how badly off they are without your product and why you’ll be better with it, there’s going to be a message of ‘buy this for your life to be better’.
She wasn’t questioning if these courses can be valuable at times, and obviously there are times that you can benefit by turning to professionals for targeted assistance. She was expressing concern that the overall message is disempowering and leads people to stop tuning in to and trusting themselves.
Someone else recently shared with me that she’s taking yet another personal development course and she ‘hopes this one will be everything I want it to be’. ‘Of course it won’t,’ I told her with a smile.
How do I know that? Because she has a lot of things to deal with in her life and there’s no course that will give her the results she’s hoping for. The answers she’s looking for are inside of her, and she’s not going to find them by taking one more course and one more and one more and one more.
There are two different components in this message of disempowerment:
- You need professionals to help you improve your life and can’t trust your own instincts and thoughts, because you aren’t a professional.
- You start looking for the answers outside of yourself and stop seeing yourself as the locus of control. If something isn’t working, then you need to find a different resource, a different advisor – it’s about them, not about you.
This is an incredibly disempowering attitude to adopt, but it’s one that is becoming more prevalent and we don’t even realize the subliminal messages coming from all directions that lead us to think like this.
As a special needs and foster mom I regularly speak with therapists, psychologists and social workers who express surprise at my understanding of human psychology and child development, and ask me how I know what I know.
Here’s something mind bending to consider: Did you know that you can learn a lot about a topic, even acquiring a high level of knowledge in an area, without getting a degree in it?
While we may intellectually believe this, we somehow still tend to believe that the average person needs an ‘expert’ to tell him how to best live his life.
I got a call a month ago from my health clinic letting me know that the tests I haven’t done that they recommend for someone my age are building up and strongly encouraging me to come in to have them done. I told the nurse calling that I’m concerned about my health, take appropriate steps to care for my health, and if I feel in need of testing in any area of concern, I’ll come in.
Then she asked me, “But how can you know you’re healthy if you don’t do the testing?”
Her response is a perfect example of the ‘expert is outside of you’ paradigm. It’s irrelevant how I feel or what I know after a half a century as to what living in my body feels like – if I haven’t taken a test to tell me I’m okay, I can’t be okay.
In my view, how do I know I’m healthy? I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself, I live in my body – if I’m free of pain, if everything works well, if I think clearly, if I have energy – I’m healthy. There are symptoms that indicate that imbalances are beginning to present in one’s health; disease doesn’t occur overnight. If you’re paying attention you’ll generally notice when something isn’t feeling right, when something is changing.
It’s unfortunate when we accept what others tell us about ourselves as more valuable than what we think or know. Even when you turn to the experts, a doctor can’t make you healthy, a therapist can’t heal your childhood traumas, a coach or course can’t give you self-esteem- they can only support you in taking care of yourself. They would be the first to tell you that you have to do the heavy lifting yourself; you have to make the effort and invest in yourself.
Often you can make those same or better efforts for yourself with your own insight and your own research, as the woman I referenced at the start did. Your success is in your hands; don’t discount who you are and what you know.
When you selectively turn to someone for assistance in furthering your development in any given area, remember that the magic is in what you do with the knowledge they share.
Avivah
Avivah, your words are resonating with me today. Last night, I watched a documentary called “The Biggest Little Farm” about a couple who wanted to use regenerative agriculture techniques on their newly acquired farm in CA. They had a mentor who helped them get started, but unfortunately he had cancer and was unavailable to them as issue after issue came up. He did pass away after several years. As I was watching, I was frustrated that they didn’t find another mentor! Surely, he was not the only mentor they could access! However, after reading your post I see it differently. They found solutions by themselves, and built a thriving farm and community. They learned by observing their land, just as we learn by observing ourselves. Now, I myself would certainly have sought out another mentor, or several as backup! What this couple did was extremely courageous!
I still believe mentors can be very beneficial…I’ve had one for close to 20 years and she has always pointed me back to myself and expressed her confidence in my ability to find the answers inside of me. However, I appreciate your message.
Great post. I agree an expert is not going to fix anything. At best they will direct you and then hold you while you work through whatever you are discovering. Two things came to mind when I read your post. The first is a great ted talk on when to use experts and when not to. https://www.ted.com/talks/noreena_hertz_how_to_use_experts_and_when_not_to?subtitle=en It turns out that if you “believe” someone is an expert your critical reasoning stops and you just accept what they say. This is very dangerous. The second thought is that when I look at different classes, and I am always taking one or another one, I am generally looking for accountability, focus and the ability to do something faster with help. Could I read a book or explore something on my own, yes. For many things that is how I learn and move forward. Sometimes it is helpful to have a third party help you with focus/insights and that speeds up a process. Not always but some times.
I am not sure that not going to health care clinic just because we feel good and healthy. I did not know I had high blood pressure until I had to go to doctor. So how safe, by not going, will be?? I prefer to be checked as I’m getting closer to 60’s.
I am so frustrated that after spending forty minutes responding to this in depth, the WordPress system reset as I submitted it to post and was lost. I’ll see if I can rewrite it all but am running out of time for today.
Please remember that I’m sharing my own personal experience and perspectives, not giving medical advice to anyone! I strongly advocate and practice a preventative lifestyle that includes education and knowledge, and don’t believe in being oblivious to or ignoring issues.
Here are questions I would ask about high blood pressure/hypertension: What causes high blood pressure? What are symptoms of high blood pressure? What happens if you don’t treat high blood pressure? How can you treat high blood pressure? What happens if you don’t treat high blood pressure? I keep asking questions to understand an issue and what is the root of the problem.
(I’ll help you out and save you some research time -primary hypertension is caused by hyperinsulinemia, the excess of insulin in your blood stream. I may have saved you hours of going through typical medical websites. 🙂 Now you can go change your diet and reverse your high blood pressure.)
Here’s a link to a typical cardiologist’s recommendations for lifestyle changes if you have high blood pressure – https://www.rwjbh.org/treatment-care/heart-and-vascular-care/diseases-conditions/high-blood-pressure/.
What does it say?
“Avoid smoking.
Eat a heart-healthy diet, especially one that is low in salt.
Exercise under the directions of your doctor.
If you’re overweight, talk to your doctor about weight loss options.
Limiting alcohol consumption to 1 drink per day for women and 2 drinks per day for men.
Manage stress.”
If you don’t smoke, drink, move your body, manage your stress and eat a nutritious diet (important to note that the diet recommended in the link on that site will not improve high blood pressure so obviously all ‘healthy’ diets aren’t created equal and in my opinion avoiding salt isn’t a good idea), it’s highly unlikely you’re going to have high blood pressure. As someone who follows those healthy lifestyle recommendations, is it irresponsible for me to not regularly get my blood pressure tested? (In case you’re wondering, my blood pressure has always been on the low side of normal.)
Back to not knowing you had high blood pressure – eventually, a person with high blood pressure will show symptoms. That goes back to my comment about being in touch with yourself and noticing if something changes in the state of your health.
And one more point – blood pressure is often taken incorrectly and the results won’t be an accurate reflection of your health.
Now that you know you have high blood pressure, what are you going to do with that information to empower yourself and become a healthier version of you?
I have the same question. Aren’t there health conditions that are easier to treat if caught early, and that don’t present symptoms at early stages? I’m curious to understand your perspective
Thank you for the question! I appreciate the opportunity to clarify and go into more depth as to my intentions. Since I see others are asking similar questions, I’ll respond in a post of its own.
This resonated with me as well, though sometimes it is important to do preventive testing. My 40-year-old sister-in-law decided to go for a mammogram only because her close friend was diagnosed with breast cancer and it scared her. My SIL had no symptoms whatsoever and was healthy and energetic. Sadly, she was also diagnosed with breast cancer. Boruch Hashem after chemo and double mastectomy and oophorectomy, she is in remission, but had she not done that mammogram, things could have been very different.
This is a thought that is new to me, and so so true.
Way too many people go for endless therapy, when all they need is a good mentor who believes that even without a guide, each and every one can excel.
As for having health checks such as blood tests, mammogram over age 40, blood pressure and more, unfortunately they are vital and save millions of lives daily. It would have been so easy and ideal if health was all about how we feel, though many illnesses begin silently and erupt suddenly, without the person ever having previous noticeable health issues or discomforts.
If those tests are available and don’t provide side effects, we should be grateful for them…
Also cervical cancer checks – as far as I know, pap smears are the only early indicator, as there are no symptoms in the early stages
may G-d give us all good health