There were so many wonderful suggestions about how to get help when hosting that I’m putting them all in one post so that all of us can benefit! You can come back to it when the next holiday or hosting opportunity comes around – for me that will be my son’s bar mitzva in two months. I need to take some deep breaths around that…and use some strategies below!

>> Pesach is a huge undertaking!!I tell my husband not to buy me anything for Yom Tov, just pay for extra kitchen help over Yom Tov! Some alternatives: 1. Hiring help, for the times when you want help and they’re not available. 2. Turning over early and freezing food ahead of time (soup, kugels, meats, chicken, baked goods, etc. )3. If you turn over early, married kids can come help cook one day and the boys can help watch their kids. 4. Take them up on their offer to bring/buy food. It may not taste as good as your food, or be as healthy, but it’s worth it! If they don’t want to shlep it by bus they can figure out something else. Overall, I try to keep it simple and stick to favorites. <<

>> Personally, the biggest problem I have with either helping or getting help is knowing what needs to be done. Is there a way to make a list /chart of tasks that others can do (set the table, cut salads, do dishes). Post it, and then when people come in ask them to pick something. Maybe not everyone every meal but the expectation is that each family helps out some meal. Just a thought. When I am very clear on what I need I do get help. managing people all the time is hard so a list would let them self manage. <<

>>I have no idea if this would work for your or your marrieds, but I wonder if it would be helpful if instead of a whole family coming for a meal, one of the parents (perhaps with older children who are more independent/can help or a baby who can’t be left alone) comes earlier – even the night before – to help, and then the rest of the family comes for the meal. That way you get more help and get to spend more time with children/grandchildren, the parent who comes gets a break from their own house and kids, and the grandchildren get a fun experience. I know that a lot of the kids are traveling long distances by bus, and obviously whether this idea is at all viable depends a lot on the family dynamics/needs of all involved.
Also, I vote that if marrieds offer to bring food, take them up on it – even if they are shlepping by busses. Worst case scenario, if they see it’s too difficult, they won’t do it again. <<

>> if you cook and freeze much in advance, a lot of resentment will dissipate. no one can cook for all that just a few days in advance without overworking themselves. many women i know start cooking and freezing weeks in advance to pace themselves. a lot of the food we serve is freezable (soups, meats, cakes, even a huge batch of fried onions can be frozen, to be more easily used in other dishes – i read it somewhere and tried it this year and it was helpful!). Maybe an extra freezer. Lots of ideas out there of how to make a quasi-pesach kitchen for early cooking, even with just a covered foldable table and a crockpot (there is a cookbook out there written by a woman who does this, sounds great!). <<

>> One suggestion that helps me…
I try to make sure that I have at least 1 day of every chol hamoed where I have no plans and no obligations to anyone. No hosting, no visits, no trips.
For that day’s seuda eat, I put together to the leftovers of the last 3-4 seudas. There is easily enough to make a meal and this can make for a fun spread.
If I have visitors staying with me for the entire chag, I let them know in advance that this is a great day for them to go off on a day trip. Usually they have places they want to go and people they want to visit by themselves anyhow.
If it appeals to you, you can even send off your at-home family on a trip for the afternoon, so that you can really just chill that day.
I find that one day to let myself rest, read, mooch around with the at-home family, and even be a little bored opens up more joy and energy for all the cooking, hosting and socializing associated with a week-long chag. <<

>> your married children are taking care of their children, but at home they do that plus take care of their houses. they can still pitch in by you and it will come out to less work. you need to decide what you’re comfortable delegating- could be kitchen tasks where they can sit and chat and sous-chef for you at the same time- this doesn’t remove so much mental load for you, but still multiplies what you can do with the time. could be adding your children onto theirs for outings and giving you some time alone to get a handle on the situation. it could be taking over your jobs with the animals (whichever ones still get done on chol hamoed, and to your specifications!). it will still be a vacation for them. but it’s okay for them to contribute. cutting down work and serving less also comes to mind. you posted lots of salads and kugels. those are complicated compared to one-pan protein, starch, veg dish that you season and cook hands-off in the oven (without defrosting first!). or even not one-pan, just cooked in the oven. i have only my own small kids and i take all these shortcuts. <<

>>My family is not as large as yours and we had 1 couple first day (which was 2 with Shabbat) and the last YT we had our second couple. I bought from a caterer 3 very large potato kugel, and 2 small apple kugel, and 2 lg. pans brownies. this helped so much and I know I was able to sit more with my kids and Grands. I also prepared b4 3 lg. salads for the first days. I really simplified the food, yet it takes time. If they had cars I would say bring the linen for sure. By bus its not so easy. If they had cars they could also bring Kugels, and cake but by bus no way. Maybe next year be’z either your boys can help with cooking, (I know they do so much besides this) or one of your daughters can come a few days b4 YT to help with cooking. There really isn’t an easy answer. I know you love cooking but maybe you need to buy a few sides like kugel to help in the food area.<<

>> I have younger children but for me the best minimizing stress tip is to make as many things as possible in the oven in disposable pans (lined with baking paper). Many things even get mixed in the pan and that way no mixing bowls are needed. The less pots & mixing bowls to wash, the easier clean up will be.
I’ve learned to make a full shabbos/yt in the oven – fish, kugels, chicken, roasted potatoes/vegetables, chicken stirfry, shnitzel, meatballs, rice, cake, even hard boiled eggs – can all be made in the oven using disposable pans. Still haven’t figured out a superb oven brisket recipe… in the meantime that’s the only thing I must make in a pot.
There are kugels that do not required any peeling/grating – such as broccoli/cauliflower/mushroom kugels. Also regarding onion kugel, if you’re frying a large amount of onions & then freezing those fried onions, it takes 2 minutes to mix and pop in the oven. <<

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Thank you so much to all of you who shared your suggestions!

A couple of weeks ago I sat down to take notes on this Pesach to put aside for next year. That included lists of what I bought along with quantities of each item (I never remember from year to year without this). I also copied over all of my menus with the page numbers listed for each recipe if it was in a cookbook.

I looked up when Pesach will beginning next year, and it will be a Wednesday night. I’ve told my husband and teens that next year we’re going to turn over a week in advance. That’s what I did when I had a lot of younger children at home, but as my family got older I started turning over a shorter time before Pesach since I had enough help so there was no stress in that. As so many kids have married and moved out, and more younger children have joined the family, I didn’t reassess my turnover timeline. Thinking about my experience this past Pesach made it clear that I had too much too do, too close to the holiday.

I do have a freezer, and will enjoy being able to make many foods in advance. Spreading my cooking out will eliminate the need to work for so many hours in the kitchen close to the holiday.

I spoke with all of our married children to get their feedback on how we could make this work better for all of us in the future. I’m going to be specific about what help I’d like, taking into account the kind of help different people are comfortable with, and letting everyone know in advance what assistance I’d appreciate and when. It’s hard to help in a home that isn’t yours, and it’s impossible to help if you don’t know what’s going on, so this will make it easier for people to lend a hand.

I hope these suggestions have gotten you thinking about your own situation and how you can enjoy hosting with less stress and resentment!

Avivah