All posts by Avivah

When the pull to buy something you can’t afford is so strong

Intentional Spending

Fifteen years ago we bought a van that was a lemon, and that frustrating experience combined with being very pregnant and knowing that with the birth of that baby we would be outgrowing our van motivated me to buy my first and only vehicle from a dealership.

It was so nice, getting a much, much newer and nicer vehicle. It felt prosperous. I felt on par with all the other carpool moms on the road in their nice passenger vans. Nope, no eight year old van for me!

The monthly loan payment was another story, though.

As the weeks went on, I enjoyed the newness and niceness less and less, and was more and more bothered by that monthly payment.

After three months I made a decision. I got a quote from the dealership that serviced my vehicle to find out how much they would pay if I sold it back. Then I went to our original dealership with that quote and asked if she could do better, after explaining that I would rather have an older vehicle and no debt.

She couldn’t beat their offer and told me to take them up on it – and she also told me how impressed she was with my choice, that it was very rare for someone to be willing to live within their means. (We had an interesting conversation as she shared her experiences selling vehicles and seeing people’s financial numbers when they qualified for loans, and her commenting that for a lot of people it was irresponsible to finance a vehicle.) Although we didn’t recoup the three thousand dollar initial payment we had put on the van, it was worth it for us to be free of that monthly debt.

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This week I’ve thought a lot about that experience, because there’s been a big something I’ve wanted to purchase. It sounds melodramatic to say ‘more than I ever wanted to buy anything’ but it’s honestly way, way up there. I’m not a high maintenance person and having this much desire for something is unusual for me. If I want something, it’s usually small enough and affordable enough that I just buy it.

I don’t have enough to buy it in cash, but I could easily qualify for a loan and have it paid off within two years. As long as my husband continues to be employed at his current salary, we can make the monthly payment without compromising ourselves financially. And I really, really wanted it, so much that I was willing to put aside any of my usual compunctions and debt-avoidance.

However…you know there has to be a ‘however’, right? I have concerns about the direction that the global economy is taking, and as such have been taking steps to tighten up our budget, to create more margin by building savings and reducing the amount we need to live on. It feels particularly important at this time.

Buying something on credit absolutely doesn’t fit into this picture right now. Even if I really, really want it. Even if two people I told about my excitement about this offered to loan me the money. Even if I’m pre-qualified for a loan of that amount and simply have to press a button on the computer screen of my online bank account to have it automatically appear in my account.

I thought about what a relief it was to sell our van back to the dealership, and to buy a replacement van with cash outright, just as we always had. I thought about how fleeing my pleasure of that acquisition was and how quickly the pleasure was overtaken by the pressure of the loan repayment.

Then I thought about this purchase. If life continues as has been for the next two years, we’d be fine financially even if we make this purchase. But what if we experienced a personal economic contraction during that two year period?

I didn’t want to think about negatives. I didn’t want to be fearful about potential downturns in the economy. I wanted to make this purchase!!

Fortunately, I do have a rational brain and in this case, my rational brain was my husband who said he really didn’t want to do it. Despite my resistance to hearing him say that, I couldn’t help but reactivate my own financially cautious brain, which was hovering there at the wings.

The more I thought about this, the more clear it became to me that I need to emotionally step back from this purchase at this time. Who knows, maybe it will come back again at a time that we can make the purchase without going into debt. Or maybe it will never come back but I can focus on the abundance of all that I have, rather than thinking about what I don’t have.

Right now, I’m choosing to simplify, cut costs and cut back in order to create a financial margin for our family. There are significant things going on in the financial markets, and I’ve decided that I’d rather be sitting on the sidelines with fewer expenses and some extra padding in the bank account to weather that instability.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be financially responsible. But along with my very acute disappointment, I have a sense of peace that I’m making the right decision.

Avivah

Easy Buckwheat Chia Bread – gluten free

Healthy Living, recipes

I’ve discovered – and been incorporating – a new ingredient into my gluten free cooking: green, unroasted buckwheat!

I used to buy this many years ago and didn’t know what to do with it other than cook it as a rice substitute. It was kind of gluey but my husband liked it….

Well, in recent months I’ve purchased it once again, and have appreciated how versatile it is!

(About cooking it as a rice substitute…not the greatest use of this. Roasted buckwheat is a much better option for that.)

This is a great ingredient to use for making gluten free breads. We’ve found store bought gluten free breads not to be very tasty, and definitely not nutritious, though I use them for convenience. You can find unroasted buckwheat in the health store in the bulk grain section. There are a number of ways to use unroasted buckwheat for baking; here’s one easy recipe that I regularly make. It requires about six minutes of hands-on preparation time; most of the prep is soaking.

Buckwheat Chia Bread

  • 1 1/2 c. green buckwheat
  • 1/4 c. chia seeds
  • 1 c. water
  • 1/2 t. salt
  • 1 1/2 t. baking powder

Soak the buckwheat in water to cover for a couple of hours but you can leave it overnight if you like. Drain, then rinse.

Separately, soak the chia seeds in one cup of water. Stir it so that all the seeds are submerged in the water. Let it sit for up to twenty minutes until it’s gooey.

Process the soaked buckwheat in a food processor with an S blade. You can process the chia seeds separately and then combine the two mixtures, or just process it at the same time. I generally opt for simpler options so I process it all together. Process until the mixture is smooth.

Add in the salt and baking powder, mix. Pour the batter into pans (I use a silicon loaf pan and a silicon muffin pan). Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit/180 degrees Celcius for up to an hour and fifteen minutes. A smaller pan and muffins will take less time. Let it cool completely before slicing.

When I use the extra large muffin size pans, I slice each muffin into four slices.

This lends itself to be eaten as an open face sandwich. Below, pizza wheels were very much enjoyed for dinner.

Avivah

Lifestyle creep and how it happened to me

Homemaking, Intentional Spending

A year ago, my husband got a new job along with a raise in salary. Nice, right? And yet, here we are a year later with hardly any increase in our savings rate.

How did that happen? When we talked about our numbers, we both felt we were being pretty careful financially – we’re not big spenders. We sat down together a few times for financial meetings to go over the numbers, and seemingly the only answer was that our expenses had gone up. It wasn’t until this week that I could finally answer that question more definitively.

Why this week? The first year we were married, my husband was responsible for the finances. I took over the next seventeen years. And then for the next twelve years, my husband has been at the helm. This week I took responsibility for the finances once again, something my husband really doesn’t like but I actually enjoy a lot. (As to why he did it for so long if he didn’t like it, that’s another question, but it was a purposeful decision on both of our parts and we’ve agreed our goal was reached.)

Taking over again is a bit overwhelming because I’m looking at a different system than my own, and I have to wade through a lot of numbers to figure out what’s going on, what money we have coming in and what’s going out, in order to get clarity in my own mind.

Here’s what’s become clear so far: we’ve allowed lifestyle creep to sneak in. For years we were really, really frugal and careful about all of our expenses. We had to be, as our income was on the lower side (my husband’s friends who had similar incomes as well as a spouse’s second income were all in debt) and it was only by very careful and conscious management that we had any possibility to accrue some savings.

As our financial situation improved, we got a little more relaxed, and then a little more relaxed….we stopped paying attention to all the little expenses because the bills were getting paid without it.

And we began to spend a little more money here, a little more money there – nothing major or budget busting that we could point to as to where all the potentially savable money was going.

Now I’m back in the hot seat. The first couple of nights I sat for hours, going through details of months of expenses, trying to get a clear sense of where our money goes. I felt like giving up because it was so frustrating to me. But I stuck with it, and after a couple more nights looking at printouts, am excited and energized to be our financial money manager again. I’m looking forward to seeing how much money we can save and funnel into savings.

That’s going to mean becoming more conscious again about expenses, assessing the value of where we spend money rather than just spending it when it seems necessary. I’m going to be carefully tracking all of our spending – neither of us has been tracking our cash expenditures at all, and all the itemized expenses have to be gone through regularly – and plugging the many small leaks that our budget has sprung. There’s no one big item to point to – yes, prices have gone up, but even more than that, what I’m seeing is a general increase in expenses due to lack of attention.

I’m recognizing lifestyle creep and taking steps to counter it. This is a very hopeful and empowered place to be, and I’ll be sharing about different things I’m doing and how it’s working out for us.

Avivah

Being a goat whisperer, a leader for your children… and it’s all kind of the same

Parenting

My husband was sharing with me some extremely positive feedback on one of our son’s from a teacher, and commented that our ‘don’t push or pull, but encourage’ approach seems to have been very effective.

His choice of words reminded me of an experience I had earlier that same day.

I had an opportunity to take our three goats to a grassy area to graze and help clear the land. I asked my son to help me lead them to the car, holding on to the collar of each, because I was afraid if I let go of them they’d run away. We loaded them in, got to the field and unloaded them, and then holding the collar, I began to walk with the first goat to the grassy area.

She balked. She didn’t want to go any further, which was interesting to me since she’s the only one with any experience walking on a leash next to me.

I couldn’t physically push her to go where I wanted, and I didn’t want to push her.

I assumed she must be feeling uncertain and anxious in the new location, and chose to let go of her collar rather than force her to walk along next to me. I kept walking. I glanced back after a moment and saw her following close behind. Another minute later, I glanced back again and happily trotting in a line behind me were all three goats. So much for my concern that they’d quickly run away and scatter when they had the opportunity to be in a wide open area.

I took them to the grassy spot and they started munching away. I was planning to tie their leashes to stakes and leave them there for a few hours to enjoy the juicy green goodness, but while I was there, let them walk around freely.

Since it was sunny and I had forgotten to bring a sun hat, I went to sit under a shade tree where I could supervise them.

A minute or two later, they had all followed me to where I was sitting, even though it wasn’t a desirable grazing area. They stayed in one spot as long as I was there, and as soon as I left, they followed. This happened every time I walked further away from what they felt close enough proximity to them was. I felt a bit like a goat whisperer. 🙂

I’m the primary caretaker for the goats, and when we were out in the fields it was very clear that I’m the one they feel safe with and connected to, and I’m the leader they want to follow. This surprised me because I had expected the dominant goat to be the leader for them.

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It’s been so interesting for me to experience how principles of respectful relationship are just as relevant with animals as with people.

The principle I was experiencing was that people – and animals – desire to be with and follow those to whom they feel connected.

Lead with love, build your emotional connection with your child, give him room to make his own choices rather than tightly control his actions – and chances are very high that you will be the leader he wants to follow.

Avivah

Make your own 15 bean soup mix

Intentional Spending, recipes

I like to periodically cruise around online looking for new meal ideas, and I came across a recipe for 15 bean soup. In the US it’s a popular premixed dry bean combination but I don’t have the ready made bean mix available here.

What I do have is a variety of different beans in my pantry, so I took out whatever I had and put together my own mixture. I made a big batch so I’ll have it ready when I want to make it again – it doesn’t take any longer to make a big batch than a small one.

Doesn’t it look nice?

I set aside some to make for dinner tonight, then jarred the rest for future meals.

After making dinner tonight, I saw that half a jar is plenty for our family at this time (there are 6 of us at home right now), so the jars above will be enough for fourteen meals.

Here’s my personal combination – you can adjust according to whatever beans you have:

Avivah’s 13 Bean Soup Mixture

Mix equal amounts of each of the following:

  • black beans
  • navy beans
  • red beans
  • red kidney beans
  • chickpeas
  • black eyed peas
  • cranberry beans
  • red lentils
  • brown lentils, large
  • brown lentils, small
  • green split peas
  • yellow split peas
  • mung beans
  • Other suggestions are broad beans (large and small), pinto beans and lima beans. (I had adzuki but that would have been too many red beans in the mixture.)

Mix equal amounts of bean in a bowl, then mix by hand. Pour the mixture into jars and stick them on the shelves to make dinner easy one night in your future. 🙂

Here’s how I used the dry bean mix to make a soup for dinner:

I usually presoak beans overnight but this afternoon didn’t have time for that, so I let the beans cook for an hour before adding everything else. Then I added chopped onions, carrots and potatoes, a cup of rich chicken gravy, some dehydrated mushrooms (I shared about sun drying them here), a couple of bay leaves and a little salt. The pot continued to cook on low until everything was soft.

How much did this cost? I bought the beans in bulk so they averaged 6 shekels a kilo and it was 3 shekels for the half a kilo used for this recipe. I used a kilo of potatoes – 4 shekels, 2 onions – 2 shekels, 1 kg carrots – 4 shekels. The gravy was left from the roast chicken I made on Shabbos – I always drain off the pan drippings and set it aside to enhance the flavor of a dish. I got the mushrooms for free last year. So it cost under 15 shekels for a generous pot of thick soup that filled up all six of us, for less than 2.5 shekels a person (70 cents per person).

It was a very quick and simple dinner with hardly any prep time other than the vegetables. Even the vegetables don’t take long since I invested in one of my favorite kitchen tools ever, a heavy duty manual vegetable chopper. It makes vegetable prep so quick and professional looking. Oh, how do I enjoy that chopper – I think I tell a family member probably every other day, “Have I mentioned lately how glad I am to have this?”

With food prices going up around the world, I’m going to be sharing more frugal tips, strategies and recipes to help you make your food budget stretch further. If you have a frugal recipe or suggestion, please share in the comments – it helps all of us! Also, if you have a question about something specific, the comments is the place to ask. 🙂

Avivah

Late night preparations for a healthy school birthday party!

Homemaking

My ten year old son’s birthday was the week after the school year ended, so we opted to delay his class party until after the fall holidays. After his teacher and I coordinated the date, she sent me a note about what refreshments to send. I was pleasantly surprised to see it was quite different than last year!

  • rolls
  • cheese – sliced or cottage
  • salad or sliced vegetables
  • hard boiled eggs
  • birthday cake
  • 1 bottle of drink
  • papergoods – plates, cups, napkins, silverware

I don’t know what prompted this change, but I’m really glad to see they’ve shifted to a very different menu than what I was asked to provide last year. I’m going to let the teacher know how much I appreciate this.

It’s the night before his party and I’ve been getting ready the last couple of hours. I honestly was ready to go to sleep at 9:30 and thought I’d wake up early to bake, but realistically it would be hard for me to wake up at 4 am to start baking, and I would be likely to wake other people up with the noise. So here I am getting it done now with gritty eyes and a body that is yearning for bed. 🙂

It’s more work to prepare for this kind of party – especially since until a few hours ago I thought we were going to push it off for a week – but I’m really glad to provide something more nourishing for the class to eat.

I don’t want to send regular rolls for everyone else and to send my son with some substitute that would look very different from what everyone else was having at his party. However, I’m not an experienced gluten-free bread baker, and didn’t have time to play around trying out different recipes. It feels like a bit of pressure to make a gluten free roll that all the kids who are used to regular white bread will be willing to eat.

The stars in the sky all lined up when I found a recipe for which I amazingly had almost all the unusual (for me) ingredients. White rice flour, millet flour, potato starch, and tapioca flour. I didn’t have xanthum gum and a google search told me I could substitute potato starch. I just took the rolls out of the oven and tasted one when it was still warm. The flavor was good, though a little crumbly. I baked them in a silicone muffin pan and after waiting another ten minutes, they came out in one piece, so I think – hope? – they’ll will firm up when they cool down.

For the cake, my son told me he wanted cake with frosting and sprinkles on top. It’s late and I’m tired, and just didn’t have the energy to make frosting. I made him two pans of gluten free brownies and baked the colorful sprinkles directly on it. I hope he’ll be happy with it when he sees them in the morning.

I’ve chopped up the salad, boiled the eggs, packed up cheese and paper goods. I have no drink in the house to send – other than bottled water – and the boys have to be ready so early for their bus that it’s unrealistic to go out to the store before they need to leave. I’ll send the water so there will be something. At this point all that’s left is to wait for the baked goods to finish cooling down and wrap them up. Then it’s into bed for me!

Avivah

Getting ready for the fall season, plans for the week

food preservation, Gardening, Homemaking

Last week we were busy getting our yard ready for the rain, which turned into a race against the weather!

I’m so glad we enlarged our goat pen before the holidays, because there was so much to do to get things in the yard waterproofed before the first rain of the year (for about seven consecutive months a year we don’t get rain here in Israel). First and most important was the goat pen: the boys built a roof frame, then lined it with what they were told was a waterproof tarp.

We were rushing to get the hay covered as the rain began. It quickly turned into a downpour, and we were relieved to have finished the goat pen roof in time…until it became clear that the waterproof tarps we used weren’t waterproof after all, when we saw the water was dripping through onto our unhappy goats.

Talk about finding alternative solutions quickly! I suggested grabbing the large blue foam mats that we used under the pool and stapling them up; they did that in the pouring rain and then we all ran for cover.

They took the entire roof off to redo it on a sunny day, but it began raining before it was put back on. They once again ran to get it over the goats, but the pen had gotten soaked and the next day I and one of the boys had to completely clean everything out.

Until now, I’ve been cleaning out the dirty hay by shoveling it into a thirty liter barrel, then carrying to the chicken run and dumping it in. I do a load every two or three days. The chickens love picking out any insect larvae and with their constant scratching and pecking, break down the hay and in essence, compost it. My plan has been to eventually pull all that composted hay out of their coop to use on the garden beds.

With the sudden huge pile of wet hay, it was too much work to take it all to the chicken coop, so I changed direction and after shoveling it all onto the garden beds, suggested to my son he let the chickens out into the yard to work the hay. They’ve been loving free-ranging again, and we’re enjoying our ‘chicken tv’ again, as we sit in the yard watching their antics.

Speaking of the chickens, we need to cover more of their coop area with a waterproof material as well. Since part of their coop is rain-proof, we put our focus on getting the rabbits and goats waterproofed. Then after the downpour I noticed some of them were wet; I suppose they didn’t want to limit themselves to staying in the dry area. So this week my son will extend that for them.

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Today my plans include making a huge pot of compote, then canning it all up so we can enjoy it in the winter.

I’ve done all my winter clothes shopping for the boys, but I still need to organize it all. We’re at the stage of the days being hot but the mornings being cold enough for winter wear. So in the next couple of days I hope to finish getting all the clothes sorted.

Also in the next couple of days I need to figure out how to transport a buck to our home for breeding. I’ve been pushing this off until the pen was enlarged and then rainproofed; now I need to get this done or risk missing the breeding season. (Goats need to be bred to continue to produce milk.) I think we’ll keep him here for a few weeks, and will see how that affects what has been a smooth running daily routine with our three females. Male goats have a reputation for not being fun to have around and their presence supposedly makes the milk taste more ‘goaty’.

When I ordered two bales of hay, it was with the thought it would get me through until the next hay season. Then we got a third goat (it was going to be for my daughter and then ended up a better fit for us), and now with the male goat…we’re going to be needing much more hay than I initially planned for! In a non-shmita year, I would order a bale at a time, but now even though I have a lot left, I need to order more this week while the hay farmer still has non-shmita bales (from the year before last) available.

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When I bought barrels for animal feed from a private seller a few months ago, he offered me a couple of rusty hoes for free (just the head, no handles). Seeing they were heavy duty metal, I accepted them, figuring we could sand them down and get new handles for them. I’ve been very disappointed with how poor the quality of new garden tools are – almost every rake and shovel I’ve bought has broken after less than a year of use. Not heavy duty use, either. The first shovel that I bought seven or eight years ago is still going strong, though, even though it’s seen much more use than all of the new implements put together.

I haven’t gotten to sanding them down these rusty hoes yet (and it’s not on my list of immediate projects to do since they’re usable without sanding) but we did get new handles that fit perfectly at the hardware store. Additionally, I’ve bought a couple new shovels and two hand trowels. The trowels look like excellent quality and if I can keep track of them and not lose them (I tend to put them down and then forget where I put them…) they should last a long time.

After a year of not touching the garden because of shmitta, there has been a lot of work to do – weeding, trimming, pruning. I’ve gotten a lot of garden clean-up done in the last couple of weeks. This week I’d like to get some seeds into the ground and will see if I can get a crop before it gets cold. The vegetables I’m thinking about traditionally are planted in the spring so I don’t know if planting now is being smart by optimizing the planting season or being overly optimistic. We have a warm climate and sometimes even in January it’s warm so it theoretically could work; all I have to lose is some seeds and some time, so I’m willing to experiment.

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There’s lots more to do this week, but these are my ‘discretionary’ projects. I’m conscious of how much these activities add to my day, but I do them to the degree that it works for me, and it’s a nice feeling to be purposefully busy.

Avivah

Local supermarket no longer selling foods from Osem conglomerate

Intentional Spending

A month ago, I was at the supermarket and chatting with the checkout clerk, who commented that all the customers have been talking about how the prices have been going up.

When I returned ten days ago to the same large (chain) supermarket, I saw the following sign.

Translation: As the leading supermarket for the charedi population, we are doing all we can to bring our customers products at fair prices.

The change in prices by the Osem supplier has translated to a sharp increase in pricing that harms our clientele. As a result, it is expected that there will be a shortage of products by Osem, Materna, Nestle, Tzabar, Tivol and others.

As I continued through the store, I saw more and more signs like these, all in front of mostly empty shelves. Interesting, I mused – and somewhat concerning.

A few days later I was back at the same supermarket, and couldn’t help but overhear a very agitated customer complaining to a staff member about the foods that are in short supply. She said that it’s been six months with the prices rising and more and more products missing, and that if the management is going to stop selling items by these suppliers, they’re obligated to find other products to replace them. They can’t leave the customers without anything in that category.

It was an interesting conversation, and when they finished, I went over to the same staff member. I heard her say she’s been working there for 14 years and had some questions about what I heard and what I was seeing in the store.

She explained that prices have gone up so much by these suppliers that the management has made the decision not to carry them because their customers can’t afford it. Where they can, they replace the product with something similar made by a generic company, and are able to sell it at a price similar to what the product was previously sold for. However, since they only offer products that have a particular kosher certification, they are limited in what substitute products they can offer. This is a challenge unique to them, as the other supermarket chains can use off brands with any minimal kosher certification (or none) to replace the more expensive products.

What’s going to happen to the availability of these foods that they haven’t found a substitute for? There seem to be only three choices: the suppliers will drop their prices and the store will begin to sell them again; the suppliers will not drop their prices and the store will decide to sell them since they can’t get anything else; or the store will not carry these products and they will not be replaced by anything – in which case they will stay missing until the bigger economic picture sees an upturn.

The option of prices going down would be welcome, but unlikely. Are the products made by these brand name companies rising due to sudden price gouging? I doubt it. They need to stay in business and make their profit; they are selling it at the price they need to get to cover all their supply/production/storage/packaging/delivery expenses, all of which have gone up.

Neither of the other two options are encouraging – one means much higher prices and the other an absence of a number of products.

I don’t know which way things will go, but as I’ve been noticing these trends in rising food prices, over recent months I’ve been gradually recalibrating my shopping and cooking habits to continue to stay within my budget and make meals that everyone enjoys!

Avivah

The shul is not a playground – increasing supervision of children at synagogue

Parenting

For many, many years, my policy regarding synagogue attendance has been as follows:

The shul/synagogue is a place for prayer, not a playground. To instill this message, we don’t allow our children to accompany their father to shul until they are old enough to sit next to him and daven for the entire service. We start with short services and gradually allow them to go for the longer ones.

For years, I met my husband at the end of the Shabbos day davening with all of the kids who were too young to go to shul (ie almost all of them). They could go in to shul at the very end (obviously only if they stood quietly), then enjoy the socialization after it ended – but they absolutely could not be running around and playing during davening time. Obviously not inside the shul, but not outside either.

I had zero tolerance for my kids running around at shul, and was very clear with our children: If you’re old enough to be at shul, you’re old enough to be davening, and if you don’t want to daven, you shouldn’t be at shul. That wasn’t just talk – that was consistently reinforced by action on my part. It’s worked quite well for our children to realize that going to shul is a privilege, and that prayer is something to value.

At some point in the last year and a half, we slowly shifted away from this without realizing it. My ten year old loves going to shul, and initially sat next to my husband most of the time. But gradually he noticed other kids playing outside and began to spend more and more time playing outside, too.

I’m not usually at shul, so it was only recently when I became saw how much time wasn’t being spent inside. Though I feel very strongly that the shul isn’t a place for children to run around without supervision while their fathers are praying, that was exactly our situation! (I must add that my husband frequently checks on our son, and my older sons also keep an eye out for him. But as much as they did, he still needs more than that.)

So he’s gotten used to a certain degree of unsupervised time. It’s so tempting to let a situation that has developed continue to slide, to turn a blind eye and convince yourself that it’s really not a big deal. But a seemingly unrelated situation inspired me to take some actions on this front.

A little dog came to visit us during Sukkos. It was cute and absolutely adored my dog, following him everywhere and doing everything he did. (That means he spent a lot of time sitting right next to me or following me since our dog likes to stay close to me.) This new dog truly thought this was his home and we were his new family, as evidenced by his strong guarding behavior of our home and our dog after less than a day.

I was relieved when we found the owner after three days, but the dog kept coming back to us. I began to feel trapped and resentful of this animal that insisted on making our home his own, and the owner who was happy to let him hang out with us rather than make any effort to keep him at home.

I took a mental step back when I felt my energy getting negative, and recognized it was time for me to take matters into my own hands instead of waiting for the owner to deal with it. I determined that this dog would no longer get the gratification of interacting with my dog, and as soon as he came, I would put him on a leash outside my gate. Then the owner, who kept saying she was unwilling to tie her dog up or restrain him in any way, would be notified each time that he was waiting to be picked up.

I felt very calm and relaxed once I decided upon a plan of action, and I consistently carried through. The first day, he came in the morning and evening. I immediately picked him up and tied him up outside; then I notified his owner. The next day, he came two times again. I did the same thing. The third day he came once. Each time his owner took her sweet time getting here – she lives less than a five minute drive from me but it generally took 2 – 3 hours each time to get him. After the third day, he didn’t show up anymore.

I don’t know if the dog got the message he was no longer going to be able to interact with my dog, or his owner realized it wasn’t going to be fun for her to get called every time he came and have to pick him up, so she decided to supervise/restrain him more rather than letting him run free. But either way, it worked and it reminded me of the power of clear, decisive boundaries that are enforced with calm and kindness.

It inspired me to take similarly focused actions with my ten year old. His boundaries at shul have gotten too loosely defined and it’s time to redefine them for him. That requires me to clarify for myself what boundaries I’m comfortable with, and then to communicate and reinforce them consistently to him.

The power of clarity is that it makes it possible to summon the energy to take actions you previously felt too unfocused and consequently worn out to do anything about.

In the last few days I’ve made the decision to go to shul in order to supervise much more closely when he’s there. The second part of the plan is to preempt his shul attendance by making it more fun and engaging to be home than at shul. That’s much easier said than done! Thinking about it feels daunting in terms of the physical and emotional energy it requires. But being clear on how important this is for him is very helpful.

I’m hopeful that when he realizes that he’s not getting the gratification that he’s used to, and experiences the consistency of my response, that he will soon get used to and accept the new boundaries.

Avivah

Celebrating our youngest daughter, the value of birthday circles

Parenting

What a busy and enjoyable holiday season it’s been!

Our youngest daughter was born during Sukkos. This year on the day of her birthday, my second daughter (who was visiting with her family for the week) spontaneously suggested we make a special party for her sister, knowing it would mean a lot to her. I told her I thought it was a good idea but I was maxxed out with the nonstop cooking for all the holiday meals and wouldn’t have time to make something on short notice.

My daughter whipped up a three layer cake with filling and frosting, while my oldest daughter and sixteen year old son composed a grammen (rhyming poem recited aloud to a specific tune). That night after dinner, our birthday girl was surprised when my son performed the grammen, followed by birthday cake.

My older daughter also prepared a skit for that evening, but the skit participants didn’t feel they had enough time to prepare. We had chosen to make the party the night of her birthday, rather than waiting until the next night when all of our married children would be there with their families. We thought she would appreciate the quieter and more intimate setting, which she did.

However, with the change in plans with the skit, we decided to push the skit and birthday circle off to the next night, when all of our children would be there.

The next night, we began by repeating the grammen, since a number of people weren’t present the night before. Then the skit was performed, which was very funny; I was almost crying with laughter!

Finally, we had our traditional birthday circle, in which each person present shares something they appreciate about the birthday celebrant. My daughter had told me she doesn’t appreciate the joking that sometimes accompanies the circle, so I made an announcement to please not make any comments about anything someone else says and everyone respected that. She afterwards told us how meaningful and special it was for her.

About birthday circles – as nice as it is to hear people saying good things about you, it can also feel uncomfortable. I think it’s very important to learn to accept positive feedback, to recognize that you’re appreciated, to allow yourself to feel loved and valued, and to sit with the discomfort of listening to all the feedback in the presence of others, without making any comments to minimize what was said, or deflecting the praise.

For those giving the positive feedback, it’s important to practice seeing the good in others. To learn to express that in an honest and straightforward way is also an unfamiliar skill for many people; there’s a societal discomfort in straightforwardly letting people know that we like them or how they do things.

Having a yearly opportunity to honor each sibling gives everyone opportunities to practice these skills. We instituted birthday circles when our younger boys were very young, at least twelve years ago. Their early shares were very simple and sometimes silly. As time has gone on, they have evolved into being able to express meaningful and thoughtful feedback for someone else. The older siblings have commented on the quality of their younger brother’s feedback, saying that they didn’t have such well-thought out comments at that age. But they also hadn’t grown up with it for years like their younger siblings!

I don’t remember exactly when we began this custom and I don’t remember why, but I’m so glad it’s become part of our family culture. When you do something sporadically, it takes a lot of effort to remember to do it and then draft the cooperation of all participants. Since birthday circles are well-entrenched in our family routines, it takes minimal effort; everyone knows what to expect and what their part is. And of course, every person appreciates the opportunity to be the recipient of appreciation each year.

I encourage you to consider introducing a family tradition that will give family members a regular opportunity to express their appreciation for one another. It’s such a nice thing to be part of.

Avivah