All posts by Avivah

How a spontaneous offer can build the emotional bank account

Parenting

Yesterday morning I took ds15 for a quick shopping trip in Tiberias for some much needed pants – in his first time using a dryer himself at school, he shrunk all of his – before zipping him off to the bus station.

On the way home, I drove past the Kineret (Sea of Galilee), which is the typical route for when I’m doing errands in Tiberias, and thought what a beautiful day it would be for a trip there.

When I got home, I spontaneously asked ds13 and ds12 if they wanted to go swimming in the Kineret. (Remember the ‘littles’ on my blog, the three youngest children of nine, who were born within three years of each other? Both ds15 and ds13 have passed me in height – I’m 5’9″ – and the youngest of them turned 12 last week!) They were delighted at the offer – it’s the first time I’ve taken them this season – and we had a wonderful time together, along with ds4.

Here’s a valuable thing to understand that I want to share: when you offer something unsolicited to your child (or anyone else), regardless of what it is, it’s appreciated much more than when you give them the same thing after they’ve asked you for it.

If the boys had asked me to take them to the Kineret and I had agreed, they would have been appreciative and we all would have had a nice time. But because I initiated the offer, it became a significantly bigger deposit in my relationship with them.

When someone does an unsolicited act of kindness for you, you feel your needs are understood and considered by them, that they care about you. Think about this yourself. If I ask my kids to clean up the kitchen or take out the garbage and they do it, I appreciate it. But when they do it with no request from me, it’s so, so much more appreciated! It shows me they thought of me, they noticed my needs or preferences, and wanted to be of service to me.

This is true of the smallest things. If you offer your child something to eat when he comes in, it’s more meaningful than if he asks you what there is to eat, and then you give it to him. If you tell a small child you’re watching him go down the slide, rather than him having to ask you to look at him and then you watch, it’s a much more satisfying interaction for him.

This is a helpful thing to understand, because we’re so often giving to those around us, but they aren’t perceiving our actions as deposits. You’re not doing anything more than you would have done otherwise; the shift is in the timing and that is what transforms a regular action into something perceived as an act of love or nurturing.

Avivah

My new computer – the gift of contrast

Self-Growth

My regular readers have probably noticed that my posting has dropped off dramatically in the last year and particularly the last few months. For the year that ds8 was home, time and energy became a real challenge. Two months ago he began attending school – it’s been great for him and all the rest of us, too! but the increased time flexibility hasn’t translated into writing more here since I’ve had extended computer challenges.

My husband bought me a new computer when he visited the US over a year ago, and from the start, I wasn’t happy with it. There was a significant lag in response time, and then the power cord input receptor got looser and looser, until when the cord was plugged in it didn’t connect anymore.

Well. There I was with a computer that wasn’t working but that wasn’t worth fixing (so I was told). I thought to make do and use one of the other two computers that my kids use – but there’s a reason they use them. They are older computers that are fine for their needs (mainly looking up information and listening to audiobooks) but for my needs, they’re really not helpful.

To use the better one that had a nonfunctional keyboard meant hooking up my husband’s work keyboard and mouse during the hours my husband wasn’t working and the kids weren’t around – late at night and very early in the morning. Late at night I’m usually too tired to think, and though I’m up early, Rafael wakes up early and climbs into my bed before falling back asleep for a couple more hours, so typing away at the computer in the same room would wake him up.

I was getting increasingly frustrated at how difficult it was to get online with a laptop. When I could finally clear the time, I couldn’t find the kids’ computer, or I found the computer but it had no power and I couldn’t find the power cord. Or I could find the power cord but not the converter for the American plug that would allow me to plug it into the 220 Israeli system. When someone offered to bring something back for me from the US, I jumped at the opportunity to order a computer.

My husband researched a bunch of computers and finally told me he didn’t see one in the price range I set that had the features I wanted. But, after speaking to a computer guy he offered to get our two older computers overhauled, and order the necessary replacement part for my computer. I was hesitant about having my computer repaired because it was unsatisfactory from the beginning, but it didn’t make sense to buy something new when we had something that could be made usable for a much lower sum.

My exasperation was rising every time I tried to get online, and I would periodically express how limiting and disturbing it was for me to feel so constrained. But I had determined that my computer needs didn’t justify the expense of something new so this was only an expression of feeling continually stymied, not a suggestion to pursue a different solution.

My husband assured me the part was on its way, and while waiting for its arrival I tried using the overhauled computers. That had its own frustrations.

We waited and waited and waited for the part, and were relieved when it finally arrived. Until it became clear that it was the wrong part.

My husband told me he would order a different part. This is when I reached my limit for tolerating the situation and trying to work with what was. I had complete clarity that this situation wasn’t tolerable for me any more and I needed to have a well-functioning computer. Right away.

This is when the shift happened – it was only when it was I had clarity that I was unwilling to continue to try to make it work that that we could find the best solution.

As soon as I said that, my husband told me he could buy me an excellent computer locally and have it that day. It was double the sum I had mentally set previously, but after months of frustration, that amount now seemed perfectly reasonable! He dropped me off at a two day women’s retreat right after this conversation, and from there drove straight to the computer store.

When I got home the next night, I was greeted with my new computer, fully set up and ready to be used.

I can’t even express how nice it is to finally be able to do things that were so hard and daunting for such a long time (for those whose comments here weren’t responded to, now you know why).

The seemingly obvious solution to my challenging situation – buying a new computer locally – was available to me from the very first day that I had a computer issue. But since I wasn’t willing to consider buying a new computer at Israeli prices, all the frustrating situations continued to unfold.

So often something feels hard – and it is – but part of what makes it so hard is that we mentally limit what the solutions can be or where they can come from. And if we aren’t open to a solution, we’re not going to get that solution, even if that’s the easiest and best outcome!

What struck me in my situation was the benefit of contrast. Contrast is what we experience when there’s a discrepancy between what we want and what we have. Usually we perceive this as being bad.

The gift of contrast is it helps you clarify what you don’t want, and what you do want. I had tons of contrast for over a year with my computer issues that created ongoing frustration and feelings of limitation, and it was the increasing contrast that made it obvious that my previous attempts at solutions were completely inadequate for my needs.

This is something that we all do in every area of our lives – you can substitute ‘relationship/job/experience’ for ‘computer’ and you’ll see the same thing I described. Trying to make something work that doesn’t work, trying to convince yourself you don’t need more than what you have, that what you have is really enough, that you shouldn’t want more, that you don’t deserve more….it goes deep!

I’ve found it really helpful when I recognize and embrace contrast, to see it as a tool that can help me live my best life by clarifying what I want more or less of, and then taking action accordingly.

Avivah

A harrowing ride home

aliyah, miscellaneous, Self-Growth

It’s been an eventful few days!

On Monday I went to Beit Shemesh with ds13 and ds12 to take care of a bunch of errands. On our final errand, at about 6 pm, the missile warning siren went off. The boys looked at me and one asked, “Could it be a siren for Yom Yerushalayim?” As I heard the pitch begin to go up and down, I realized it was a real alert and we quickly made our way to the underground parking lot and got in our car.

Only a few others made a move to find a safe place – almost everyone around us continued with their shopping. Ds13 afterwards told me how surprising he found it that everyone kept acting normally; I explained that they probably had no idea what to do. What we do in situations like this is look around to assess how others are responding, and then act accordingly. And this is a challenge, when those around you don’t know how to respond.

As soon as we verified that the coast was clear, we zipped out to get home. The traffic was clear and I was relieved to be going north, to safety. We passed several tanks being transported, something we had never seen before, but otherwise everything looked normal.

The north is filled with Arab neighborhoods, and unlike other parts of the country, the main roads travel directly through these neighborhoods, all considered safe. I didn’t know that riots were breaking out in Arab neighborhoods across the country. Once I got an hour from home, traffic suddenly became extraordinarily heavy and I had no idea why. My boys noted the heavy police presence, the horses they told me were used for riots – when we drove around burnt, still smoking items in the road, I wondered if somehow a rocket had hit this area and was relieved to see the infrastructure looked undamaged. My bias was to see the areas I was in as safe and I was looking outside for the threat, and wasn’t putting the pieces together yet.

I was less than twenty minutes from home when I drove into a crowd of about 100 young Arab men blocking the four lanes of the main road (near Shibli), yelling and waving flags twenty minutes from home, sitting on cars in the middle of the street. For the first couple of minutes I was only puzzled- there was a huge truck blocking my view, a police cruiser two cars behind me, and I saw that ahead in the distance cars were slowly driving up the hill. The police had gotten out, said something to the crowd and then walked back to their cruiser to watch, so I assumed things were safe (that’s what I told my kids to reassure them). It was when the truck was allowed to pass that I could see what was just ahead of me – men running back and forth across the road, jumping on the car ahead of me, others beginning to push some large burning object into the road – that I made a quick decision to make a u-turn and get out of there. No other cars followed me. (I was told that rocks were thrown at the drivers soon after.)

It was at this point I realized that the first traffic jam had been due to a riot that had been cleared by the time we drove past. The benefit of hindsight.

I thought I would take the long way around, and followed the alternate route suggested by Waze. This route went directly through two Arab towns, and I again ran into heavy traffic. As we slowed to a stop (this time near Nazareth), we heard firecrackers going off up ahead, and ds13 said, “I don’t feel safe to drive forward.” I was thinking the same thing, and began to make another u-turn, and for the first time saw other drivers doing the same thing.

This was part of our exhausting drive to try to get home, as every possible route became blocked with traffic jams caused by rioting. I felt trapped, like everything around me was closing in on all sides. I was confused about where I was – I have a good sense of direction but I was in areas that were completely unfamiliar to me – and was afraid to follow another Waze route and drive into a riot that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I wanted to get off the smaller roads I had been diverted to and get onto a main highway, and after looking at the options, made the decision that we would stay on the route that I finally chose no matter what.

At this point I put on a relaxing meditation to listen to, and this was the best possible thing I could had done. It totally shifted our energies, and helped us feel safe and protected in an alarming situation. As we were in yet another traffic jam, fireworks began going off a short distance to our right (fireworks are shot off at celebrations and riots). This time, ds13 smiled and said, “Nice, we can enjoy the show while we wait!” He felt so much more relaxed that he began giving friendly waves to other drivers sitting in traffic with us. (If you’re wondering, ds12 had fallen asleep in the back seat; I needed ds13 to help navigate – even though we had Waze I wanted him to confirm that I was turning on the right place – I didn’t want to make a mistake that could take us into a dangerous situation – so he didn’t close his eyes until were were finally on a bigger highway.) We only talked about how everything was working out for us.

We got home at 11:30 pm, five and a half hours after leaving Beit Shemesh (usually a two hour drive). When I lay down, my entire body was buzzing with tension and exhaustion.

The next morning I didn’t see anything about rioting in the north being reported, and was uncomfortable sending Yirmi to school. (He began the week before Pesach and loves it!). I was debating until literally made the decision a minute before his bus arrived, and decided since they travel on main highways and anyway, no one would be rioting in the morning that it would be fine. I then took Rafael for his interview at the school, and he did great. I was able to see Yirmi in his classroom and meet his teachers, which was really nice. (Due to covid, we were limited when we visited the school back in November for his intake interview.) Yirmi only stays until 1 pm every day, due to the availability of the van that takes him home, and that day we took him home with us, which was really nice. He’s asked me a number of times to pick him up from school but it’s a one hour drive in each direction so it’s not something I’m usually able to do.

Meanwhile, ds15 was at his high school in Kiryat Ono and was woken at 3 am to a missile alert. They all filed to the protected area, and classes continued for the next day and a half as usual. They heard a number of alerts that they were in the protected area for, and at other times saw missiles high above headed for locations farther away. They were all sent home on Wednesday, around 1:45, and I’m happy to have him back at home. He’s hoping that things will clear up in time for him to return to yeshiva for Shavuos (Sunday), but I think the likelihood of that happening isn’t high.

Avivah

Our close-up experience at Meron this year

Parenting

Our plans for this past Shabbos were all worked out by Thursday morning. Six yeshiva friends of my twenty two year old son were going to attend Lag B’Omer festivities at Mt. Meron Thursday night, and would come to us early Friday morning and stay for Shabbos.

On Thursday evening, a private bus took a group of local young men to Meron, and on it were ds22, ds15 and ds13, who were anticipating an enjoyable ‘brothers trip together.

Since ds22 had been to Meron in the past, he knew what to expect. They agreed on a meeting place and time in case they were separated, and decided to daven maariv (evening services) and get a bite to eat before heading to the Toldos Aharon hadlaka (bonfire). It was this decision that saved them from being right in the middle of what turned into Israel’s biggest civilian catastrophe. A simple decision, a fifteen minute delay….

They davened, and while they ate something quick, an announcement was made that something had just happened. (It would be an hour before the extent of what had just happened would be made public.) They said some tehillim, and them continued with their plans, on to the Toldos Aharon bonfire.

They got there to the sights and sounds of dozens of ambulances and police cars, a helicopter overhead – and bodies being pulled out. It was exactly here that 45 people died and 150 others were injured. They saw numerous people on stretchers being rushed to the ambulances; on one stretcher the paramedic was performing cpr while other paramedics were running the stretcher to the ambulance. My sons later told me it was a scene out of a horror movie, with fear, confusion and screaming all around.

I later found out (from the parent of a young man who was there) that my twenty two year old took charge of the crowd, and led them in reciting tehillim. Every time a body was brought out, he called out blessings for a refuah sheleima, joined by others.

When the announcement was made that people had died, the atmosphere at Meron changed in an instant. All music and dancing ceased immediately, replaced by tehillim, crying, screaming. Everyone was ordered to leave – at least 100,000 people. But there was no plan, no clear evacuation directions. People were told to go in one direction and ran there, to be told they had to go in the other direction and then ran in that direction. No cars were allowed in, no buses were allowed in. There was almost no cell coverage, people couldn’t call for help, look up directions, or contact family members whom they were separated from.

My boys had come on a privately chartered bus that was waiting in the parking lot some distance away to take them back. Shuttles usually run people back and forth to the parking lots. When a shuttle came by, they asked the driver if he was going to that parking lot. Yes, yes, he assured them, and told everyone else who got on he would take them to where they needed to go.

But he didn’t. He drove in an entirely different direction and insisted they all get off at a highway intersection six kilometers from the parking lot. My sons couldn’t get back to the bus in time, and couldn’t call to ask their driver to wait due to the lack of phone coverage. And so they waited on the side of the highway for hours. While they waited, the fifty+ people stranded flagged down private cars (no one was going in our direction so our boys couldn’t get a ride), but the empty buses that went by were waved on by the police.

At 5 am I woke up to a a call asking if I could pick them up (they didn’t want to wake me up so waited until they thought I’d be getting up), that Meron had been evacuated due to an emergency situation. I had no idea yet about what had happened, but I got in the car as fast I could and at 7 am was there.

We knew that ds22 had friends somewhere there and I wanted to take them as well, but they were in a different area and again, there was no cell reception to reach them. We found out a few friends were on a bus to a different city, and we drove to that city to pick them up.

One of the boys that I picked up had been present in the crush, and wanted to spend Shabbos at home (after coming to our home to sleep for a few hours). Two others were on a bus that was turned back right after the event, and never got into Meron. We ended up with two friends for Shabbos instead of six, one of whom was thirty feet away and saw everything unfold outside the structure where the people had been trapped.

When I checked the news Sunday morning, it was like reading about a completely different event than the eyewitness reports I heard.

What those attending all said – that I didn’t see discussed at all in the English news – was that the sole exit from the Toldos Aharon hadlaka was blocked by a gate put up by the police. At the same time that more and more people were allowed in at the entrance, no one could get out, leading to a deadly crush and numerous people dying of suffocation.

**Edited to add: I obviously wasn’t there, I’m not claiming this the only truth about what happened. But it was interesting that this was completely missing from the news, when this is what everyone we talked to who was there firsthand talked about. Maybe those people were confused, maybe they all made the same error about what happened – though we spoke to people directly after the event, when they had no access to phones, news, social media or to one another. I heard from only a few directly but from my son’s yeshiva alone, there are approximately 100 boys who were closer up and more directly involved, several of whom where in the very front of the crush where the bodies piled up. One managed to pull himself over the barrier and then pulled people/bodies out for the next half hour from a small exit that couldn’t be directly accessed by those inside (he was then hospitalized for shock and emotional trauma). He saved the lives of three people. Another was at the very front and saw the person next to him suffocating, and pulled him up so he could get air – and the person died in his hands five minutes later. These people saw the blocked exit right in front of them, they saw the bodies piling up all around them. This isn’t hard information to verify; many, many people were there and all say they were trapped.

Someone my boys met on Shabbos told them that someone near him fainted and the barrier was put into place in order to evacuate him, and as they put the barrier into place, this man asked to be let out and they put the barrier back right behind him – he was the last one out. Many people from the outside, including the police, tried to remove this gate when they saw people were trapped but it was a riot gate and it’s activated by pressure (if I understood correctly). They did succeed in pulling down some aluminum siding that allowed some people to file out. Please be clear that I have absolutely no desire to point fingers at anyone, and I’m not playing reporter. I’m noting the huge discrepancy between what I heard about and what I read about. If this is even partially true – and I put my trust much more in people who were there sharing their first hand experiences – it’s obvious why it’s not being written about, since the outage and anger about this catastrophic human error would be overwhelming. **

I was deeply disturbed that regardless of what really did or didn’t happen – at a time that one’s natural instincts call out for unity and compassion – the media instead chose to create a narrative that would place the blame on the victims themselves, on the charedi community, sowing dissension and hatred.

Many people were there and unharmed – but not unaffected. My ds22 saw some younger guys from his yeshiva crying when he got there, and went over to talk to them. One told him, sobbing,’I just saw ten people die in front of my eyes.’ There were so many aspects of this that have created a psychological toll that will need to be addressed.

For our family, it helped that my boys were all there together, and for the younger ones, that they had an older brother who they trusted to take care of them in the midst of complete chaos. I think this is a huge part of why they’re processing everything as well as they are.

My fifteen year old is very angry – angry that this happened, angry that the police he encountered afterward seemed to have no concern for those there and didn’t do anything to assist them, when they had the power to do so. This didn’t come out of nowhere – he shared with me things he saw and heard that were upsetting.

It was hard for me to hear the intensity of his feelings, but I’m relieved he was able to express some of his pent-up emotion. It would be unhealthy if he kept it in and didn’t talk about it at all, and anger is a normal response for what he saw. We’ll continue to discuss this as time goes on. There’s a time to talk about giving the benefit of the doubt and this is a constant topic in my home, but this wasn’t the time to talk about that.

Everyone processes in his own way. With my thirteen year old, I shared the list of those who died, each one a tragedy of its own, and discussed the role that G-d plays in a disaster like this.

With family members who weren’t there, we discussed the guilt of feeling relieved when we heard that our family members were safe, knowing that others didn’t share that experience.

I don’t know how to close this post – because in the face of so much anguish, anything I can say is trite and inadequate. Our hearts and prayers are with all of those who experienced loss of loved ones, who were injured, or who were traumatized by the events they experienced.

Avivah

Pesach menu 2021

menu plans, Pesach

What a lovely Pesach holiday it’s been so far! We’ve been blessed to have my mom and all of our married children with us this year – a far cry from last year, when we had the strictest quarantine of the year in place.

Two ingredients for a wonderful holiday are a very nice group of compatible people combined with lots of yummy food! Watching and being part of the interactions of all these people is extremely heartwarming.

As far as the food – it’s always a big project! It seemed like the food shopping before Pesach would never end. Though I bought a lot, I know it will get used up remarkably fast.

I bought a case of onions, seventy+ pounds of potatoes, thirty pounds of carrots, a case of fennel, a case of sweet potatoes, a case of napa cabbage, 1/2 case of kohlrabi, some butternut squash, 25 pounds fresh garlic, loads of cucumber and tomatoes, and lots of clementines and pears for snacking. There were also cases of chicken and meat, and lots of dairy (mostly cheese and cottage cheese), as well as eight trays (30 each) of eggs.

Initially when I wrote out my menu before Pesach, I listed various cakes and kugels that looked appealing. Then I looked at what I had written and considered how much more appreciated a more basic menu would be. That means going heavier on the vegetables and light on the cakes and kugels.

Friday night dinner: soup, roast chicken, carrot fries, potato saute’, fennel-orange salad, kohlrabi tomato salad, chocolate chip cake

Shabbos lunch: salmon, cholent with yaptzug (basically a potato kugel mixture poured on top of boiling cholent and left to cook on the blech), kishke, beet salad (with fresh parsley and garlic), marinated carrot salad, macaroons

Saturday night- Seder night: naturally lots of matza! Charoses. Soup, meat, chicken, potato kugel, marinated kohlrabi carrot salad,

Sunday lunch: roasted garlic, onion dip, tomato cucumber salad, mint napa salad (with fennel, zucchini, kohlrabi and oranges) – I made a huge amount of these two fresh that morning and it was almost all eaten – beet salad, marinated carrot salad, potato kugel, kishke, chicken, marble cake

I noticed something interesting about the salads – the size and shape of the pieces of the vegetables seem to determine how much is eaten. The one salad that really didn’t go over well was the marinated carrots, which I thought was pretty. The carrots were thinly crinkle cut, with a blended olive oil/lemon juice/parsley dressing. It was hardly touched. My daughter said she thought if the pieces were smaller, it would have gone fast. I like to have a variety of shapes and sizes so every salad doesn’t look like a repeat of the next, but in any case I don’t serve all the salads at one meal so that really isn’t an issue.

For chol hamoed I’m loosely planning for two big meals each day – we’ll see if that actually works out! I find that keeping a huge pot of cooked potatoes and a pan of baked sweet potatoes on hand is very helpful.

brunch: fresh fruit, eggs, matza brei, fritatatas, matza lasagna, dairy, fresh salad

main meal: shepherd’s pie, hot dogs with sauteed napa, peppers and onion, vegetable meat loaf, chicken and potatoes, baked fish

I won’t be planning the meals for the end of the holiday until we’re closer to that point. Somehow it feels like too much for me to plan all of that at this point. I’ll see what we’ve eaten in the course of this week and from there, determine what kind of dishes will be most appreciated.

Avivah

Blog status update and loving the outdoor life

Uncategorized

It was a blog reader from South America who first contacted me to let me know my site had become inaccessible last week. From there, it quickly became apparent that my site was being blocked worldwide due to the content of my previous post.

The thought of losing thousands of posts written over the last fifteen years was very painful. And yet when my husband commented, “You’re taking this very well,” he was right. For many months I have repeatedly asked myself if I was demonstrating a lack of integrity by keeping silent on an issue that was so opposed to my value system (widespread media censorship and government coercion). There was a relief in finally saying my truth, and when I paid the price by having my site shut down – and it looked as if I might not be able to get it back – having acted in integrity with my values was a real comfort. Having said that, I’m so relieved to have been able to retrieve it.

Last night I left my computer open and while I was sleeping my 22 year old son read my blog for the first time (with the exception of my oldest daughter, my kids don’t read my blog). He spent hours reading through through years of posts, and first thing this morning told me how deeply touching it was to read about so many of our family experiences. This blog is a part of our family history and it would have been a huge loss to have not been able to retrieve it. (We intend to hire someone to back it up so even if I’m blocked again, I’ll still have my content.)

To the person who reported my post (and it seems clear to everyone I spoke to about this that my post wouldn’t have triggered censorship if it hadn’t been tagged specifically), while I’m saddened at what happened, I understand that what I wrote felt threatening to you, and I send you much compassion along with my blessing for you to feel safe in the world. It’s unfortunate when people think that by turning in others for ‘violations’ or simply differences of opinion that they are making the world a better place.

Additionally, I’m grateful to you. You gave me the opportunity to face something that I was afraid of and to see that I don’t have to be afraid and stay in the shadows, and as a result I feel calmer and more secure. I believe that everything that happens is for our best and in this case, you’ve helped me in a way that active supporters couldn’t.

I’m glad to be back and now on to other things.

**********************

A week ago the spring break for yeshivos began and my home suddenly filled with lots of male energy! It’s just me, my hubs and my seven boys. I love it!

It’s been a year since moving to Yavneel, and it’s been so great living in a place with a strong outdoor culture.

We had so many hesitations about making this move, particularly regarding our children. When we bought our home in September 2019, we had no idea that covid would happen or that we would move here on the first day of the most intense lockdown that Israel has experienced. Now hardly two days go by without my husband or me saying aloud how amazing it is that we moved when we did, and our children often tell me how happy they are here.

It’s not that we moved to a perfect place where everything is just as we want it, but we are living in a way that feels more aligned with the life we want. More quiet, more space, more outdoor time. Much more outdoor time. When the weather is pleasant, we spend most of the day outside!

View from my front yard

I really appreciate the quieter, slower pace of life, and the increased access to nature. To have experienced such a huge quality of life upgrade at a time of so much worldwide external stress was an incredible gift. Being here has been incredibly beneficial for us maintaining a positive and centered core at a time of challenge. We recently had some young men for a Shabbos meal, and one said he’s been hosted by many families over recent months and we’re the only ones who aren’t stressed about all that is going on.

There’s something centering and calming about being surrounded by the sights of nature. A friend who moved here a little after we did commented that she thinks everyone would benefit from the healing that happens when living in a place like this.

I also deeply appreciate the opportunities living here has created for our boys. Friends of my fifteen year old wanted to plan a group trip last week and he told them he’s not interested in joining: “I live in a vacation spot and I do hikes and trips whenever I want.” This, from a boy who prior to moving here always wanted to get out and be with friends.

There’s the daily outdoor time, lots of biking and hiking and just being. As I’m sitting here writing this on Thursday night, my 11, 13 and 15 year olds just asked me if they could take a nighttime hike to a local spring. I agreed, after cautioning them to wear their headlamps since one Friday night ds15 went with a friend – they obviously had no lights since it was Shabbos – and were chased by a pack of hyenas. So I’d like to avoid that kind of adrenaline rush this time. 🙂

Ds15 and ds13, triumphant after removing the tusks from the carcass of a wild boar that they found when hiking. Making memories with brotherly bonding.

The older boys (13, 15, 18, 22) did a long bike trip to the Jordan River during the last vacation, and this week ds13 and ds15 went with friends on a strenuous hike around the Sea of Galilee. They hiked 40 kilometers the first day, carrying all their water for the day with them. Later that evening my husband drove 45 minutes to meet them with a water refill and more food – they got really hungry with all that exercise! – and camped out with them for the night. They cut the trip from the intended three days to two since the fatigue was pretty intense, but it was still a good trip.


After working on getting my agreement for quite some time, my thirteen year old just purchased a bunch of two week old chicks and finished building a large coop for them. (He no longer has quail.) He really wanted me to agree to a cow so we could have our own milk and then negotiated down to sheep (he was hoping a neighbor with a large plot of land would agree to lease to us), but I’m not ready for the investment of fencing and animal housing on someone else’s property.

He also initiated learning with a local shochet, and is almost finished learning shechita. He’s considering doing an advanced course that is quite expensive that would qualify him to do nikur (removing the gid hanashe/ sciatic nerve), something that no one locally is trained in and pays well, even for someone his age. We’re continuing to discuss that. I’m not sure how I feel about him working in the field at this point, as competent and responsible as he is. Ds11, ds13 and ds15 have all had several opportunities to participate in skinning and kashering poultry and goat meat; there’s been a lot of hands-on learning.

Ds15 and ds13 both have been learning safrus; ds15 wasn’t able to complete the course since he went back to school (he’s had eight weeks of in-person classes this year), but ds13 is getting close to the end. He’s learned that it’s not something he enjoys very much (no surprise to me) but I value learning of all sorts and this has been a great opportunity. (That’s not an outdoor activity so it doesn’t really belong here but it’s part of the learning they’re doing since moving.)

Locally there’s a strong agricultural leaning so they see others raising animals and have had hands on experience with the animals of others, and it’s understandable why they want to have some, too! Ds11 really wants a milk goat but I put my foot down on that despite repeated importuning, and he got two rabbits instead. I keep reminding them we just don’t have space! I suggested he choose something small that has some practical benefit (the used bedding goes on the garden beds); though he takes good care of them, I can see that it’s not very satisfying for him.

To make a very good thing much better, six weeks ago my oldest daughter moved here with her family! I never dared hope that one of our children would choose to live close by. Having so much more time to spend with them has been wonderful! Covid has blessed me; if not for the changes in lifestyle that regulations have created, they would still be living in the previously very desirable Jerusalem neighborhood they were in. They moved from a city apartment with no balcony or outdoor space to a house with a garden, and now she finds that most of their time is spent outside, too.

Ds11 and ds13, helping their niece bottle-feed a two day old lamb

Notice that there’s been no mention of Pesach preparations, but I did do some shopping this week. They’ve had lots of trip time this week; next week we’re going to all work together intensely and do a Pesach cleaning marathon!

Avivah

We’re from the government and we’re here to help!

Self-Growth

Edited to add: As some readers noticed, three days after posting this, my site was disabled due to exactly the kind of censorship that I referenced as a concern. For the first time in almost fifteen years, my ‘content’ was deemed problematic on my own paid site and access to it was blocked, even to me. For several days it wasn’t clear if it would be possible to get my website back. You can imagine that it was a relief when I was able to get it restored!

How I’ve missed sharing with you these last weeks! As a departure from my usual range of topics over almost fifteen years of blogging, I’m sharing some personal reflections on current events.

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I watch current events unfold and histories of the past are my guide to what is happening and what we can expect to happen. Privately I predicted almost everything that has happened in the last year (though I anticipated it would be ebola that would suddenly be the big scare and create a push for worldwide adult vaccination, which was the published goal for 2020 of the World Health Organization).

I’m not a psychic, just someone who watches the pattern of the news and carefully reads between the lines of the mainstream news. You can see what the next step will be if you read carefully. Most articles sound more like they are written by a public relations firm pushing an agenda than objective and balanced reporting, but this is the news I read and this is where you can best see what is really unfolding, because these articles are intended to prime you for what to expect. They haven’t failed me yet.

I watch democracy in Israel eroding, as the media continually churns fear and uncertainty, with the only possible solution given being an injection that on the FDA website is described as unapproved (see the bottom of page one in the fact sheet). It was surely just a mistake, or a translation error, that caused every medical organization and news outlet in Israel to claim that it was FDA approved. And surely just an oversight that the widely translated fact sheet that is supposed to accompany the injections wasn’t translated into Hebrew. Oops.

But what difference does that make, because obviously no one has had any negative side effects and the dangers of covid are so much higher than anything else. Frightening, indeed, how the yearly death rate has remained stable before and during covid. A raging pandemic that we should thank our lucky stars to have survived. What? A survival rate of almost 100 percent for the average person? Nonsense! Where do you get your statistics?!? You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’re a murderer.

The Green Passport has been rolled out, and when introduced we were told it would be an advantage for those who take it, but not a punishment for those who don’t. After all, that would be a violation of human rights and we wouldn’t do that. Well, the next steps to ‘open the economy’ were introduced Sunday, and allow only those with proof of the injection or proof of antibodies to participate in normative life. I hope those with natural antibodies will be allowed their status for a long time to come. Sometimes I wonder where the line is between staying positive and being delusional.

Fortunately, no one is being forced to participate in Israel’s noble country-wide experimentation that is selflessly being undertaken for the sake of humanity worldwide. There is absolutely no motive at all other than the good of the people. After all, that’s what governments always worry about – the good of the people. And because they are so worried about your well-being, they have released your personal injection status to the local government authorities, so you can be inspired to comply by your local officials. I think that warrants the elimination of medical confidentiality.

And if you feel like you’d like to wait and see what the long term results will be, since there are no long term studies of safety, or if you have the ridiculous and naive idea that you can boost your personal immunity by taking zinc/vitamin d/vitamin c/hydroxicloriquine/quercetin/ivermectin, know that there is no proof that any of those things ever helped anyone. The doctors who had impressive results with their hundreds of patients are frauds – they are manipulating you so that they can sell you vitamins! All they care about is money. Unlike the makers of the injections, for whom the financial gains are completely irrelevant.

We are so blessed to have no government coercion whatsoever. Oh, you may find it hard to live when you can’t attend school/ training programs, work/stores/social events/public places or even your own child’s wedding in a hall. But that’s really your choice. You can still buy food and medicine, and honestly, what else matters? Lockdowns that have limited the movement and lifestyle of millions of people for extended periods have shown there is no danger of any sort of imposing that continued lifestyle on anyone who won’t comply with government directives. While all legal/medical/ethical issues are ignored and steamrolled, the government simply continues passing more guidelines – all to keep us safe.

Ah, to breathe freely and happily (well, we don’t really need to breathe that much, fortunately, since we’ve all enthusiastically donned our masks), knowing that the caring politicians only have our best interests at heart! What comfort it brings me, so much so that it’s irrelevant that we are looking more like an totalitarian country than a democracy. We even now have ‘freedom’ ankle bracelets previously used for prisoners on parole that are now tracking the movements of those entering the country. Yes, a progressive and encouraging replacement of the military guard placed around the corona hotels! Freedom, indeed.

But we all know that only whacked-out conspiracy theorists have any doubts or hesitation about any aspects of the decisions that are being made. No, it doesn’t bother us that the government discussions regarding the laws rapidly being passed that have stripped us of our rights and dramatically increased the surveillance of every individual that was previously only used with the most dangerous terrorists, have been done in absolute secrecy, with the transcripts sealed from the Israeli public for thirty years. Surely that must increase your trust in your elected officials. It certainly relieves any concerns I might have had. And surely in thirty years when we see what was said and done and why, none of us will question even in the slightest the integrity and altruistic intentions of those noble politicians. Funny that they don’t trust us with that information right now. I guess they’re worried we might misunderstand what we read.

No, don’t worry about the noose growing tighter around the neck of the Israeli population who has been reluctant to participate in the country-wide medical experiment. I certainly don’t worry about it. And I feel no sadness for those who will never again be allowed to travel out of the country to see their loved ones without complying with the new directives. They deserve it, for being so selfish and spreading disease without compunction. Oh, you say people who aren’t sick can’t spread disease? We’ll take away your social media platforms, break your zoom links to your conferences, disable your videos and recordings for endangering people with your fake news.

It’s been said that the most frightening words in the world are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” For me, this issue isn’t about whether someone gets an injection or not. My concern is whether it’s healthy for the government to be so heavily involved and controlling of the details of the lives of citizens.

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BH, all is well in my world. Truly. After so many months of silencing myself, I’m sharing some of my conflicted feelings regarding living in challenging times. I realize that the majority of the population believes the heavy governmental involvement to be appropriate in the circumstances as they’ve been presented to us.

I send each and every one of you blessings for health, stability, and security in every area of your lives. My constant effort is to remember that that G-d is running the show and my task is to stay connected and spiritually aligned.

Avivah

The critical importance of opportunity for expansion

Gardening, Parenting

As you know, I enjoy gardening and I often notice how the natural principles of growth and development express in the garden just as in parenting.

Part of my evolving garden landscape – so many lessons in this small space!

Recently, I planted a number of flower bulbs, some in the ground, and others layered lasagna style in two pots. In each pot I planted the same bulbs in the same pattern. Once I finished, I placed the two pots three feet from one another, one on each side of our patio bench swing. It became quickly apparent that one was getting more sun than the other, as one grouping of bulbs was sprouting much more quickly. When I noticed this, I placed the lagging bulbs in the sun to help them catch up. I took this picture after it had been catching up in full sun over a week.

Every child is born with potential. Some get the sunlight and water they need in the ideal proportions, and their beautiful growth is visible. Others who may have the same potential don’t have their needs met in the same way, and as a result they appear more limited. However, the limitation wasn’t inherent in who they are, but in what resources were available to them.

Here’s another illustration. These two plants were identical when I purchased them. One was planted right away, the other was transferred to a pot while I decided where its long-term location would be. The one in the ground not only had more light, even more significantly it had room to spread its roots and grew dramatically bigger in a short time.

Right – bush planted in the ground with room to spread its roots; left – bush whose growth was limited by the pot size

Roots need to reach and seek new footholds to become stronger and more established. I’ve noticed that many parents and educators have a lot of fear about giving children room to grow. While hopefully everyone will agree that children need love and warmth, many will argue that it’s dangerous to allow children unsupervised time.

My twenty year old daughter is a dorm counselor in a seminary, and the girls were complaining that they came to Israel for the experience, and instead are spending much of their free time doing the mounds of homework they are assigned. She went to the dorm mother to ask about why the girls are given so much homework. Before she told me the answer, I interrupted and said, “Let me guess! Because if they aren’t kept busy they’ll get into trouble.”

Yep, that’s exactly what my daughter confirmed she was told.

For years I’ve said that kids need to learn to manage their time, and they can only do that by being allowed to have unstructured time. Sometimes that will be filled productively and sometimes the person will be bored. Boredom isn’t dangerous. Boredom is a learning opportunity.

What’s dangerous is not allowing people room for personal expansion. If the potted plant above was left in a pot long term, it would never look much bigger or better than it does right now – let alone become the very big and lush bush it’s genetically intended to be.

Learning to manage one’s own time is a skill that develops over time. You can’t expect anyone to suddenly have lots of time on their hands and to make good use of it, if he hasn’t had opportunities to take responsibility for his time prior to that.

When I plant something in my garden, I don’t know how big it’s going to get or how well it’s going to grow. Sometimes it gets too big for the space I allotted it, and I move it to where it will have more space. Some may later need to be carefully pruned.

But I can’t plant something in the garden and not give it room to put down its roots. That will compromise the inherent potential of the plant. The roots are what provide support for the visible strength and growth of the plant, and strong roots are what support our children for their entire lives.

Avivah

How I created and resolved my biggest issue

Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

For months I’ve felt increasingly pressured about having my eight year old home. In November I finally shared some of that here, and a month later I posted about finding a school for him.

I turned to the local municipality to arrange transportation for him, and feeling the intense need for him to be at school, was initially very frustrated at their laissez faire approach to getting this done. It’s been over two months and no progress has been made, so he is still home.

Now here is the very interesting thing. About two weeks after we found a school for him, I suddenly noticed that it didn’t feel hard to have him at home anymore. Not only that, but I’ve been really enjoying him!

This initially mystified me. I had been working on my mindset with regards to this issue; I wrote lists of things I appreciated about him, I did meditation and visualizations to keep my focus on all the wonderful things about him – and suddenly, with no conscious effort, I appreciate him being at home!

So what changed?? I did a lot of thinking about this, to figure out how and why this shift happened, and I think my experience will be helpful for others.

When I posted in November, I shared about one issue that was challenging for me. But there were others that I told myself I needed to deal with, but felt overwhelmed and alone to deal with them all.

Here’s an incomplete list of some of the things I told myself I should be doing:

  • Digestive issues – These began when we moved here and began letting him have gluten on Shabbos. Even after we removed the gluten again, the issues remained. What to do? a) Figure out how to heal his digestive system while dealing with ongoing digestive issues. b) Do daily or at least weekly laser therapy sessions. What do you mean, you don’t have energy to do this? Okay, it’s true there’s a lot of laundry and cleanup that the issues entail throughout the day, but what kind of mother can’t get herself to do something this important for her child? You need to solve the problem at the root.
  • Speech – Yirmi’s speech content is really good, his articulation is not so good. What do do? a) put him on Gemiini daily for online speech therapy (which means customizing videos to match what he needs); b) set up speech therapy in our new location, entailing lots of paperwork and logistics, then weekly travel to a city nearby. Oh, that feels overwhelming? You feel maxxed out and can’t do it? So now your child has to suffer because you feel tired. You know that the window for doing this is closing and he’s going to suffer for the rest of his life because you didn’t invest in helping him speak clearly when he was young.
  • Reading – He loves to be read to but I haven’t taught him to read in either language. Yes, he knows the alphabet in Hebrew and English but he could be reading in both languages if he had a mother who was more competent.
  • Hearing aids – after many months of a process that was protracted and expensive, we got hearing aids for him. But he pulls them out as soon as I turn my back. Since we have an issue of him leaving the home without telling us, I knew within an hour they would be lost somewhere outside, never to be found again. Solution: sit down with him daily first thing in the morning, keeping him entertained so he wouldn’t pull them out. Why is it so hard to spend two hours nonstop keeping him distracted? Just do it first thing in the day. Make it a priority. Then he’ll get used to them and you can increase the time gradually. You know how important hearing is to speech; of course he isn’t speaking clearly if he can’t hear clearly.
  • Thyroid issues – He gained a lot of weight after we moved here. Figure out why, get his thyroid tested again. Find an alternative doctor who understands the thyroid. Change his diet.
  • And of course, the eloping issue. Watch him every single minute of the day because he needs to be safe.

So now you’ve gotten a peek into my mind, some of the thoughts that were running through my head within a few minutes of waking up and continued throughout the day. Sometimes I just didn’t want to get up and face the day. It felt so hard and heavy, and no matter how much I would do, I had a constant knowing that there was so much that was important for him that needed to be done and I wasn’t doing it.

I would tell myself that I was doing what I could and it had to be enough, I would try to reduce the urgency. But thinking about all of this (and more) was always very close.

I thought it was dealing with the daily issues that was the pressure, that was hard (and it would have looked like it from the outside, too). But I was wrong.

It was my thoughts about how inadequate I was that was draining me and made everything feel overwhelming.

Why did those thoughts suddenly stop being an issue? Firstly, the feedback from the school staff. All I saw was what I wasn’t doing. But they didn’t see all that. They don’t expect parents to do the things that I expect of myself, and they were very understanding about why he isn’t wearing hearing aids, for example. No shaming at all. It was obvious to them that it was a very challenging issue, without me having to explain with more than two sentences.

Not only weren’t they shaming me, they were impressed with Yirmi’s focus, thinking skills, desire to learn, and intelligence. They told me more than once how it was obvious I had invested so much in both boys (since ds4 was there for the interview, too).

A friend who has an older child with T21 told me, ‘No one does what you do for your kids, no one I know expects of their child what you expect of yours.’ I’ve always shrugged off comments like this, because I’m sure people think that I do more than I do. It was really helpful to look at myself through someone else’s eyes and say, maybe they’re right. That replaced the voice saying ‘everyone can see you’re failing’. Not doing enough wasn’t wasn’t reality (though there remain many things that it would be nice if I did); it was my own made up story.

The second thing that changed was I stopped feeling pressured to take care of these issues, knowing that very soon I’d have people to work together with on them, or even a staff that would completely address them (eg speech therapy, supervision wearing the hearing aids). The weight of having to be everything, to know everything, to do everything was so, so heavy. It was a weight that I couldn’t lift and didn’t want to lift. But when I didn’t do it all, there was all that intense guilt and inadequacy.

Three – I dramatically cut my Facebook time around the end of November, and then deleted my account in the middle of January. And now I’m not seeing messages in my T21 groups from all those amazing mothers who are doing the things I’m not doing.

Without the negative messages replaying on a loop constantly, it’s not hard having Yirmi home anymore. In fact, I’m deeply enjoying him, knowing he is completely okay just as he is right now, that I don’t have to do any more than I am, and he doesn’t have to do any more than he is. And that feels amazing. (And I’m sure it feels good to him, too.)

It’s fortunate that I feel no urgency about sending him to school, since the pace the municipality is working – or not working – I don’t know when transportation to his school will be provided. Instead of feeling like I just can’t cope another day, I must have some help…it’s dramatically shifted for me and is all really okay.

It’s in the mind that most of our problems are created and solved.

Avivah

Being productive during the lockdown – replacing interior doors

Homemaking, Homeschooling, Parenting

So here we are, in the middle of yet another lockdown in Israel but this time no end date has been established.

As soon as the lockdown was announced, I told my husband I really wanted to make some progress on my project list while we’re all home for this extended period (right now ‘we’ means ds14, ds13, ds11, ds8, ds4). The top two items on my list are to replace several damaged interior doors, and to replace the upstairs kitchen. (Our house was a two family home that we converted to one; hence, two kitchens.) Our intention is to convert the second floor apartment into a vacation rental since we don’t use that space other than when the older kids are home (usually a couple of days a month).

This was the worst of the damaged doors – it didn’t look like this when we bought the house, but it did by the time we got the keys. 🙁

I considered paying someone to put in new doors, but at 900 shekels for a basic door and wanting to replace ten doors, it was getting expensive quickly! And I’ve found that paying a lot of money to people who are supposedly experts doesn’t necessarily result in getting the quality work that I want. (I’ve had some extremely expensive and frustrating experiences with workmen since moving here.) Avoiding more workmen was pretty motivating for me, just as much as the financial savings.

Rather than replace all the doors, I decided to just replace the three that are damaged, and then to paint all the interior doors on the second floor white (since the new doors were a different wood shade from the old ones, and anyway I preferred for the doors to be white). The total for the paint, some assorted supplies and the doors was under 600 shekels.

Replacing doors isn’t something we’ve ever done before, but all of the renovations we’ve done have at some point been something that we’ve never done before. Most new projects intimidate me when I first think of them. I start off thinking of hiring someone, then I go online and watch how to videos. When I get a sense of what the work involved entails, I share my conviction that this is something we can do with my family. My announcements about my latest DIY ideas aren’t always (um, ever, to be honest) greeted with shrieks of delight, but I appreciate the willingness they’ve shown to work together in spite of their preference to spend their time doing something else.

Replacing doors here isn’t so simple since unlike in the US, there isn’t one standardized interior door size. Therefore it took me a while to find the matching size doors that were hinged in the direction I wanted, that were the quality that I wanted at a price that was reasonable. But I found them! As of last night all of doors have been hung and we’re really pleased with them. Now we need to finish installing the molding around the door frames, then put on another coat of paint. No one likes painting so I agreed that would be my job. 🙂 I hope to finish the doors by the end of this week.

If you’re wondering when I can do that kind of work, it’s a good question and one that I wasn’t finding an answer to for a long time. Sometimes I’ve felt frustrated about the things I want to do but don’t, because long involved projects with messy components/power tools don’t mesh well with children who need more than minimal supervision.

Last week, I decided to paint while my husband put the younger boys to bed. Though that meant starting after 8:30 pm and usually I’m really wiped out by then, I had an afternoon nap, and it was so gratifying to be able to do something concrete and make progress on something I wanted to get done, rather than delegate and do the oversight. (I’m actually a pretty good contractor.) I had a couple of quiet hours to work by myself and it was really relaxing.

I think with a couple more nights of work this week , I should be able to have them all finished up soon!

Avivah