All posts by Avivah

3 beliefs that bring me comfort in hard times

Self-Growth

Though I periodically ask G-d to please help me appreciate what I have and to grow closer to Him from a place of abundance and gratitude rather than pain and scarcity, I know I’m asking for the impossible. Because honestly, there’s nothing like experiencing pain, either big or small, to force you to grow in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.

Believe me, I’m not idealizing pain. I’ve gone through situations that were so gut wrenchingly agonizing that I shudder at the mere thought of having to experience anything like that again. Yes, I grew a lot from those challenges that were more difficult than I thought I had the capacity to deal with.

Looking back I can appreciate that. But I can’t and won’t idealize pain.

Various people have shared their overwhelming feelings of challenge with me recently, and feeling alone and unsupported has made each situation many times worse. I can only share several beliefs that have been helpful for me to lean on in tough times:

  • Everything comes from G-d.
  • G-d loves me more than I can imagine.
  • Everything G-d does is for my ultimate good and it is good right now even though I can’t see it.

Knowing that G-d is behind it all and is there for me keeps me from feeling alone even in situations where people aren’t showing up in the way I would like, whether in my personal life or in the wider global community.

Someone told me that it’s a struggle for her to hear any mention of G-d, and I understand that. Don’t think I was smilingly thanking G-d for my big challenges! I actually had a tremendous amount of anger that I suppressed and it wasn’t until several years later that I realized that I had pushed this under the metaphorical carpet rather than confront my feelings of abandonment by G-d.

It wasn’t until I was able to be honest with myself about later on and express that anger, that I could move on to the next stage of resolution. (Guess what? G-d is big enough to handle your anger.) When I let the feelings of betrayal out, I made room for the positive feelings of trust to come in.

Now it’s much easier for me to feel in my heart, not just think in my head, that G-d loves me and wants me to have an awesome life. (This isn’t a static awareness – I constantly come back to these above points and remind myself of them!)

For me, to feel that life is randomly throwing curve balls at me seems senseless and cruel. Knowing there’s a purpose in whatever happens and that everything comes from a place of love is reassuring and something I come back to again and again when I feel troubled.

Avivah

 

 

What to do when feeling victimized

Self-Growth

I’m back from our week long vacation at the beach!

And honestly, I’m ready to go back.

beach

I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

I’m feeling frustrated and resentful and threatened in a similar way by some situations happening simultaneously. Some are bigger political concerns (like the dramatically escalating anti-semitism worldwide and widespread media distortions of truth) and some are closer to home (school related issues interacting with those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and don’t seem to care at all about the children they are making decisions for).

When I take some quiet time to look at what is underneath all of those emotions of mine, there’s a feeling of being disempowered and victimized, a fear of not being heard and not being valued. Fear really is the core emotion that it always come down to for everyone if you keep unpeeling the metaphorical onion.

Now for me,  feeling victimized is a huge red flag  and is a place I need to be very conscious to move away from. It feels very real and it feels overwhelming and it feels TRUE.

All of that has to be replaced with something else for me to have inner peace and serenity. Because no matter what is happening around me, no matter who is doing what they are doing and saying what they are saying, I am not a victim. I am not powerless. I have choices.

I might not like my choices. I may wish that things looked different. But there is always some element that I have the possibility of impacting positively. 

Picture a toddler having a major tantrum on the floor and that’s how I sometimes feel inside, wishing things were the way I want them to be. It’s not fair! Waah, waah, waah!

Wouldn’t it be nice if kicking and screaming and being got me the results I wanted? So much easier than having to take responsibility for my part! Ugh, being an adult sometimes is so not fun.

When the resentment or negativity starts to creep in, I try to remind myself to focus on what my proactive part can be. The more I focus on what I can do, the more empowered I feel and the victim feelings fade.

I also feel strongly that contributing negative energy to a situation not only isn’t helpful, but perpetuates and intensifies the situation. I certainly don’t want to add more fuel to the fire when I’m trying to put my part of the fire out!

In my next post, I’ll share some of the spiritual beliefs I hold onto when feeling disillusioned, overwhelmed or really disturbed about something, whether that something is in the outer world or closer to home.

Avivah

The power of a good question and our beach vacation

Uncategorized

I’m writing this as I sit on the balcony overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, the sound of waves filling the air, the palm trees along the promenade swaying in the breeze and the new moon shining down on the water.

I’m here because of a question I asked myself several months ago.

I periodically ask myself life direction/mission statement kind of questions, to help me clarify the path I want to go on and the person I want to be. Life is busy and there’s always someone who needs something or something that needs to be done, and it can be hard to keep a long term perspective in the short term living.

My family has been a huge part of my mission statement work over the years, and I ask myself questions about the mother I want to be, the family I want to raise, the qualities that are important to me to nurture in our children, and other stuff along those lines.

Asking (and answering!) these questions really matters. It’s not just an intellectual exercise. When I get clarity about what’s important to me, those things then take priority and I can put energy towards them. Sometimes that energy is physical, sometimes it remains at the level of thought.

Back in January, I asked myself the following question: what would make me feel abundant? One answer that immediately came zooming out of my pen was, a week long vacation with my family. This thought about an extended vacation had been percolating since the summer, and putting it on paper pushed it up to a higher level of consciousness.

We were really busy in March and April  with holiday preparations, a new grandchild, bar mitzva preparations and home renovations. This was the perfect time to get away to decompress and recharge together as a family.

That's us down below! We had the beach mostly to ourselves. The benefit of doing things when others aren't doing it!
That’s us down below! We had the beach mostly to ourselves – the benefit of taking a trip to the beach when others aren’t .

 

And so here we are at the beach for a week!  All of our kids weren’t here – ds16 decided not to come, dd18 came for the first two days, ds13 came for the first four days – and our oldest daughter came the first full day we were here with her five week old baby to enjoy some time together.

Digging a massive moat - no wimpy plastic shovels for us - we packed a full size metal garden spade to take along!
Digging a massive moat – no wimpy plastic shovels for us – we packed a full size metal garden spade to take along!
Ds2, happy to be away from the water. After four days, I count it as a huge success that he agreed to be held as I walked in the very edge of the water.
Ds2, happy to be at the beach as long as he was far from the water. After four days, it was a huge success when he agreed to be held by me as I walked along the water’s edge.

Ds6 and ds9 hugging each other against the surf seconds before being knocked down by a massive wave.

Ds6 and ds9 hugging each other against the surf seconds before unexpectedly being knocked down by a powerful wave.

You know what kids want from us? Our time and presence. Me with the boys waiting for the waves to wash over us.
You know what kids want from us? Our time and presence. Me with the boys waiting for the waves to wash over us.

My husband was able to join us after a couple of days, so it’s mostly been the two of us with the five younger boys. For Shabbos it will be just us with the youngest four boys.

It has been so, so wonderful! My oldest son asked me if as a mother it’s still a vacation for me. I hesitated before responding. It’s a lot of work going away with children, but I’m enjoying our time together, especially in a place that is so beautiful.

It’s true that I would spend my time differently if I were here on my own. I would spend almost all day at the beach if it were just me, watching the waves, breathing deeply, thinking, reading, writing, walking…..

But being busy with the kids doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself. I absolutely am, and am so glad to have this opportunity.

Knowing that I start to feel resentful when I put a lot of energy towards meeting the needs of others and ignoring my own desires, I’ve been very conscious of making time to spend in a way that feels ideal for me. So far, that has meant going out to the beach in the early morning, shoes in hand, walking along the water of the shoreline.

That’s honestly blissful for me. I just love it. There’s something that happens inside, a quietness and calm that fills me without any effort on my part – it’s something I love, that deep and powerful energy of being in nature.

It’s amazing what we can create in our lives when we ask ourselves good questions!

Avivah

Keeping bar mitzva costs down – you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing!

Intentional Spending, Parenting

When I have some time away from my blog and then come back, I always have a sense of “Where do I start with and what should I talk about first?” Today I’ll answer this question that’s been sitting in the queue for a while!

My son’s bar mitzva was beautiful. He had a long and difficult Torah portion to read, and he did beautifully. He also read the Haftorah. The rest of our male family members dominated the prayer service. 🙂 One son got hagba (raising the Torah scroll), another was honored with p’sicha (opening the ark), my husband and sons-in-law received aliyahs, and and my oldest son davened the musaf service. It was very special for me.

bm brothers

And all of our little granddaughters were there, even the newest one who was less than two weeks old. And of course their mothers. 🙂

Pesach 2019 sisters 1

I’m telling you, it was serious nachas. I kept thanking Hashem for the privilege of raising these children and His kindness and partnership with us throughout the years.

family pic 2019

I have a question for you, if you have time, I’d love to get your thoughts on bar mitzvahs and not spending 10k like most of my son’s friends are doing..!

Well, how much you spend depends on where you live, what the standards are and how comfortable you are establishing your own standards!

A friend recently made a bar mitzva and told me I was her inspiration for thinking outside of the box and doing what was right for her family – which included keeping costs proportionate to their income. I love hearing about people finding their own path; it’s not always easy but there’s a lot of freedom in acknowledging your personal preferences and limitations, and making choices accordingly.

I remember speaking to an Ethiopian woman in Karmiel who worked cleaning homes for a living. She told me she spent thirty thousand shekels on her son’s bar mitzva party. When I expressed surprise (shock, actually), she told me this was the norm for all of his friends. A friend here in RBS told me the same figure.

There’s no question that it’s a lot of pressure when all of your child’s have a given standard and you feel you have to live up to it. After all, you don’t want to embarrass your child. So hopefully you’ve chosen a community that has compatible values in terms of how a simcha is celebrated with your own.

When it comes to bar mitzva plans, we take into account the preferences of the bar mitzva boy. I originally had one thing in mind, and my son had a different idea.

I thought since his actual birthday was on Shabbos, we’d have a large lunch meal with all our family and his friends in attendance. When ds20 had this same scenario, we had 90 people for Shabbos lunch and it was really lovely. But when I broached the idea with my son, he told me that he has friends and teachers who don’t live locally, and it was very important to him that he have an event that all of his classmates and teachers could attend. So that was the end of my idea!

The Shabbos of the bar mitzva we had immediate family members for the entire Shabbos. On Shabbos morning we hosted a kiddush (dessert buffet) at shul following his Torah reading.

Most of his friends have their bar mitzva celebrations in a hall. I didn’t want to do that, because then we have to fill the hall and I wasn’t planning to invite my friends. The purpose of this evening was for my son to celebrate with the people he wanted to have there. He made the invitation list, he delivered them all personally to everyone on his list – I gave no suggestions or input to this. (Some of our friends did come, because he wanted them there and invited them!)

We are blessed with a large porch, and thanks to the renovations we did this summer, we have a large open plan dining room/kitchen. While certainly not comparable in size to a hall, I was sure we could fit the 60 – 70 people he wanted to invite for a sit down meal.

Our plans changed just a week before the party. Due to the unseasonable and unpredictable cold and rainy weather we were having. I wasn’t at all confident that the weather would cooperate with our plans. So at the last minute we scrambled to find a new location and had his party at a shul.

This ended up being really nice for a number of reasons and I think it was nicer than it would have been at our home.

I feel a sense of communal responsibility every time we have an event, because community expectations are based on what everyone does. I think it’s a kindness to the community to unapologetically hold the costs and standards down, which are continually ratcheting up. My goal has never been to have the cheapest possible event, but to have a celebration that honors the person being celebrated, and to do it in a tasteful and financially responsible way.

My experience is that people appreciate it, and I don’t think anyone has ever considered any of our celebrations cheap. The principal of my son’s school was there and told us how much he liked how we did it: “Hakol she’tzarich k’mo she’tzarich” – loosely translated to, “Everything that there should be, in the spirit it should have. ”

 

I saved every receipt so I could share with you exactly what I spent for everything, but if I wait until I sift through and add up every shekel, this post isn’t going to get finished for a very long time! I have all the exact figures except for the bar mitzva meal food expenses written down so I’m going to overestimate on that rather than give numbers that are too low.

Since I think the question that was asked was inquiring about the costs generally associated with the party itself, I’m not including the costs of bar mitzva lessons for nine months (about 3000 shekels), or tefillin (also 3000 – we got a very good price on them). However, I’m mentioning them since they are spiritually and financially significant. They aren’t usually talked about but these are the most important costs, the costs of preparing a young man for a life of mitzvos.

Kiddush – our shul has a very simple standard, which I appreciate, and there are two different options. The simpler kiddush is 2200 shekels and includes brownies, cookies, chocolate rugelach, cinnamon rugelach, potato kugel, pekalach and drinks. The one that is slightly nicer is 2600 shekels, and includes herring and crackers in addition to the other items.

This really isn’t a lot, considering the shul I used to go to has an average cost of 6000 shekels for the kiddush (it’s a completely different standard), and that this is for 200 people. But it was more than I wanted to spend for a simple kiddush. I asked the person who takes care of this to share a list of what items are bought and quantities of each, and told him I’d like to try doing some of my own shopping. Since this isn’t something the shul makes a profit on, he was doubtful that I could do any better price-wise but agreed.

I decided not to get the potato kugel. Yes, that’s standard for the shul but I can do what I want to do, right? (That’s what I reminded myself because I was feeling I had to get exactly what he usually got!) I didn’t feel it added value for me personally. I got about eight kinds of bakery cookies, two kinds of crackers and three kinds of rugelach (miniature rolled yeast cakes), and drinks.

Then I added on some items: herring, chumus, olives, halva, banana chips, and two kinds of gummy candies. I also got 100 bags of bisli snacks for the kids. (I was told they usually get pekalach for the kids so that they don’t grab all the more expensive things. I don’t like to skimp on quantities and I bought plenty of everything so kids could also have as much as they wanted, but I still got the bags of bisli.)  I got a ton of stuff.

The shul has  policy that everything has to be store bought, or I would have made some fruit and veggie platters and some other things. It was good that I couldn’t do that because it kept me from adding any extra activities to my list at an already very busy time.

Total for kiddush: 1004 shekels. This included everything and I had lots of leftover cookies, rugelach and drinks, that I put out at the bar mitzva the next night. I had leftovers of everything else, too, even the herring, which usually gets totally finished!

As far as the bar mitzva seuda/party, I also had some last minute changes. I planned a very casual menu that included hot dogs, roast, french fries – things I thought this group of guests would enjoy more than the standard chicken/rice/green beans. But alas! When I bought the hot dogs, it was before I knew that the widely accepted kosher certification on this product (Kehillot, for those who are wondering) wasn’t used by the school.

It was the night before the party when I realized my error. I went to a number of stores, but none of them had hot dogs with the kosher supervision I needed. That’s because it was the week before Pesach and only kosher for Passover products were being sold, and this organization that gives the kosher certification (Eida Chareidis) doesn’t authorize things like hot dogs for the holiday.

Okay, so time to change the menu! Then one of my older boys objected when he heard my menu, telling me I wasn’t making enough food. I knew he was wrong but rather than argue, I just made more food. 🙂 It really wasn’t a big deal.

The menu ended up as follows:

  • homemade rolls
  • chummus
  • olives, pickles
  • Israeli salad
  • brisket
  • sliced chicken breast
  • rice
  • french fries
  • green beans with red peppers and onions
  • ice cream
  • cupcakes, cookies
  • (additional cookies and rugelach from kiddush)

Here’s the breakdown of costs for the seuda/party:

  • Food and paper goods for the seuda: 1000 – 1200 shekels
  • Wait staff –  630 shekels – I wasn’t sure if this was a good use of money but in the end was glad I hired this out since I was able to sit and let them make sure things got served with minimal involvement on my part.
  • Music – 250 – my son had a friend he knew from when they were in high school who was very experienced but not yet officially ‘in the business’. He played the keyboard and was excellent; the music added tremendously to the atmosphere and the fun.
  • Music equipment rental – 200 – there was someone who had a gemach for this; the price included delivery, set up in the beginning and break down at the end
  • Photography – 0 – we hired someone to do a family photo right before the bar mitzva Shabbos but decided not to do photography for the party. We figured friends and family would probably take pictures and didn’t feel we needed more than that.
  • Shul rental – this is one of the shuls we pay a monthly membership to; they don’t officially have a hall and getting the space ready for the bar mitzva was a lot of work. They didn’t ask us to pay anything. 200 shekels

Total for meal for 70 people (using higher food estimate): 2480 shekels.

I once again had lots of leftovers but no one minded since it was a few days before Pesach and it’s helpful to have food to eat when you’re scurrying around cleaning and turning your kitchen over.

So there you have it, 3484 shekels for a kiddush for 200 and meal for 70. Again, my focus isn’t on cutting costs to a minimum but I do try to be a good steward of what we have. I was pleased to that our son was very, very happy with his bar mitzva weekend, and I wasn’t stressed by the costs even though it was taking place at what is easily the most expensive week of the Jewish calendar.

So my suggestions are when making a celebration: think about what it means to you, what will feel good for you, what resources do you have to work with? And then, ask yourself what kind of things match that vision? Then execute accordingly.

Avivah

 

Kids need less supervision and more independence

Parenting,

At dinner one night, my almost 13 year old said that a friend of his was using a knife, and the father got angry at him and told him he’d punish him if he caught him using it again.

(I suspect this friend probably wasn’t docilely slicing cucumbers for dinner. Whatever the case was, my son was surprised.)

He then indignantly continued, “My little brother turned on the fire and cooked his own food when he was four (he was five, actually) and saws away on boxes with knives and you don’t say anything, and my friend isn’t even allowed to use a knife?!?”

I laughed and said if people heard him they might accuse me of being irresponsible.

He responded, “No, it’s good you let us do things.”

Then another son commented about an instance I once referenced from The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff. I read this book many years ago and don’t remember most of what I read, but one thing was so powerful and thought-provoking that it stayed with me all this time.

Jean visited a native village, and noticed that machetes were left laying around and little babies were allowed to play with them. Astonishingly (to our Westernized eyes, anyway) no one ever got hurt, other than an infant of Westernized (anxious) parents.

There were also pits that the babies crawled around, sometimes seeming oblivious to them and sitting with their backs right next to the edge. But she recognized that they had the awareness of themselves in space and these infants never fell in.

How could that be? How could parents be so extremely relaxed and oblivious to serious dangers their children were facing? Why didn’t they put away the machetes until the kids were old enough to be taught to use them safely, and fill in or cover up the pits?

Were those situations inherently dangerous, or was it the parents attitude toward them that created the danger? It gave me a lot to think about.

Kids need space to try new things, to stretch their wings, to learn new skills and to make mistakes. And there’s precious little space for kids to do that nowadays. Even if parents want to give their kids more freedom and independence, they have to be concerned that strangers will call the police or social services for letting their children walk somewhere alone, play in the park alone or the like.

So even those parents who theoretically are willing to let their children explore and expand their limits are often too fearful of the consequences to allow it.

kids exploring

A couple of weeks ago I took a couple of my sons with me on a womens’ hike. (Once a year there’s a family hike, and last year my boys accompanied me. The leader then generously told me my boys were welcome to come anytime!)

So there we were, hiking away, when we came across an interesting ancient structure and well. Naturally, the boys wanted to get closer and check them out.

Several adults kept telling my boys to be careful, not to climb there, not to go there, because it’s dangerous. “Stand back, don’t get so close, go down, you could fall, you could get hurt!” I assured more than one woman that not only was I watching them but that they were safety conscious and wouldn’t do anything risky.

It seems that we adults can’t resist projecting our own fears onto kids. We think of every single possibility of something that could go wrong (and we’ve all seen enough articles and news reports of pretty much every horrible possibility), and then we think we have to warn our kids as if it’s all a likelihood for them that moment.

Can you see how adult fear diminishes the opportunities for a child to develop faith in his own ability?

As problematic as screen time is, it has created a solution for how to keep the children ‘safely’ occupied, while at the same time it’s created a generation of physically inactive, socially uncomfortable and emotionally insecure children.

At the end of the hike, we came upon a large  well.

The water was probably about ten feet across, our boys know how to swim, and there was a welded iron ladder leading down into the water by which a person could climb in and out. There were no currents, no waves, no sharks, and I was standing close by – it was actually kind of similar to a small swimming pool. When they asked me if they could go in, what do you think I said?

I told them absolutely not. Not because it was dangerous, because it wasn’t. But because others would think it was and would be horrified if I allowed that.

As we walked away from that well, I thought regretfully about the many generations of children across the ages who were allowed to do so much more than our kids can. The idea that kids at the ages of my boys (almost ten and 11.5) needed constant monitoring and admonitions to stay safe would have been ludicrous.

I would like to think that if I hadn’t been concerned about the reactions of others that I would have allowed our boys to go in the water.

Even if I had, it wouldn’t be because I’m so chilled. I’m not. People think I’m more relaxed than I am by the things I allow, but like most of us, I’m a product of our environment.

What helps me set aside my own worries is reminding myself how important it is for kids to have opportunities for expansion, exploration and development, and remembering those little babies who grew up being trusted and responding accordingly.

Avivah

Bar mitzva preps, Pesach preps, and doing renovation stuff

Uncategorized

You know back in the summer, when I told you our family had undertaken a big renovation project that involved knocking down two walls and switching the locations of a bedroom and kitchen?

There’s a reason I never showed you the final pictures. Because I never completely finished this project.

It was a very ambitious project and it became incredibly draining and overwhelming when I ended up with much less help than I anticipated. My backup plan had been to hire a handyman who was doing other work for us to finish whatever wasn’t done within three weeks, which I told him from the start and he agreed to. I knew starting out that I absolutely did not want a project that dragged on and on.

So starting off, I thought I had all the bases covered – a good schedule for work to be done and a good exit plan.

However, that didn’t work out either – we just couldn’t get the guy to come more than once every week or two for a very short period, even with repeated reminders and advance scheduling. He’s busy, and honestly, it’s not any more fun for him than for me to do all the smaller finishing stuff.

So it became obvious that the project would need to be completed by me. The details of what needed to be done seemed never ending, and it was mentally wearing to always have more to do.

Most of it was done. But not the final touches that make a project look done.

I was so utterly maxxed out by this project that I took a huge break from giving workshops, dramatically cut down on private sessions with clients, and from anything extra, actually. I was the definition of overextended and burnt out.

I went waaaay past my limitations for an extended period in a way that I hadn’t done for years.

As a result, I needed to consciously fill myself up after that extreme period of depletion. In large part that meant has been leaving a lot of margin in my schedule so that every moment wasn’t filled with potential activities and tasks. In trying to do this, I recognized how very full my regular life is without any extra projects!

After a very long break, I finally have some mental head space to get this finished now! It’s also vacation for my twenty year old son, who is always willing to help out as much as he can when he’s home. So things are starting to get done.

Last week I had new counters and sinks installed. This week I the faucets installed and last night I began tiling the backslash in the kitchen. A glass cabinet door cracked and I hope this morning they’ll be ready to be picked up from the glass repair place and then reinstalled. (I took them there three weeks ago!)

(Maybe one day I’ll write a post about the countertops we built and installed that ended up not being frugal at all. That’s what we had until now.)

Someone came by last night and I apologized for the mess in the kitchen. He said that’s what everyone’s kitchen looks like now! I think mine is more than usual, with the wall in the process of being tiled, dishes that couldn’t be washed (since the tile glue has to set and can’t be gotten wet) piled in the sink, the counter covered with pieces of newspaper for protection, a container of contact cement on the floor, pieces of cut laminate on another counter, tiles and the tile cutter piled on the floor…

Not to mention the mess of cleaning for Pesach – we’re at that stage when each room is getting cleaner but all the stuff people don’t want or need is getting moved out and some of that is in the living room. I don’t like visual clutter and there’s  lot of it right now.

BUT——–

It’s getting done! And for the first time in a long, long time, I have some energy for this project and am enjoying doing it.

 

In response to a reader question about bar mitzva costs, I’ll be sharing that with you in the coming week after we wrap up the celebrations here.

For now, we’re looking forward to hosting our entire immediate family for this Shabbos. My son will be reading the Torah on Shabbos morning at KSY, followd by a kiddush – for those in the area, please consider yourself invited – I would love to see you there!

Avivah

Criticizing what I see in other people’s home?

Parenting

I have another post ready to share with you about something a child said that was appreciative of me, but after receiving the following private message via Facebook, felt it would be appropriate for me to first respond to that in the event that others share the same feelings.

I asked the person for permission to quote her concerns anonymously but she didn’t agree. So I’ll sum up:

A mother was extremely upset that I might have been referencing an interaction that took place at her home  in my last post (when my son said he appreciates that I smile at them a lot and that not everyone does that).

She said whether it was her or not, I should give the mother the benefit of the doubt, that I sounded very judgmental and that all siblings in a family don’t get along every moment of the day.

She added that as a parenting coach, it’s inappropriate for me to blog about what I or my children see in other people’s homes.

I completely understand the fear someone would feel that I was writing about them in a negative way here. I would similarly feel very sensitive if I suspected someone wrote a post that in a oblique way was referencing me as a lousy mother. That would feel like a huge violation.

(I assume my son’s comment was based on seeing different families in different settings – he didn’t reference anyone or anything specific.)

In the past I’ve occasionally received comments from clients saying they noticed I referenced what they told me in a session – I would NEVER write about what a client tells me in confidence.  What they are seeing is that the issues they share with me are common enough that others are telling me similar things in casual conversation!

One time, three different people read the same post and told me they thought I was writing it based on a conversation with them – and it wasn’t any of them! Someone had given me a ride somewhere and we had a five minute chat as we drove; her comments were the basis of that post.

As parents, most of us are challenged by similar situations and it’s those situations that I write about. My intent is to share my personal experiences and reflections, ideas that have worked for me in how to think or respond more effectively to challenging situations. This isn’t a blog about anyone except for me.

This week I shared about my child’s comment to me about ME. His positive appreciation of something that I do doesn’t mean either of us are negatively judging others, simply noticing there are different ways of doing things!

My kids don’t talk about what they see in the homes of other people – I don’t encourage talking about others and I try not to do it myself. There are many fascinating things to discuss and other peoples’ business isn’t my preferred dinner topic conversation.

My kids have a strong ability to see the good in others and accept them as they are. I have conscious tried to convey to them the importance of giving others the benefit of the doubt, and regularly talk about different possibilities to explain annoying behavior we experience.

For example, if someone is nasty at the store, I’ll tell the child with me that she probably is having a hard day, maybe she has a headache or is feeling sick, that we don’t know what her life is like and she’s doing the best she can right now. I say these kind of things often to them (and myself!).

I really believe that every one of us is doing the best that he can at that moment. Sometimes that best looks better than other times, but sometimes people’s ability to respond positively or constructively is hampered by the challenges they’re going through.

My post was sharing one comment of appreciation – my son notices that I smile often and frequently say positive things to my children. He didn’t say another mother he saw somewhere was a shrieking witch.

I can’t control anyone else’s response to what I write, but my intent when I write is never to criticize anyone.

Avivah

The power of smiling at your children

Parenting

In the last few days, several children have told me things they appreciate about our family and at the risk of sounding self-inflating, I’m going to share them over the next few posts.

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Recently ds11 came home and told me, “I never knew what a nice family we had!”

Knowing that didn’t come out of the blue, I asked him what he meant.

He told me, “Well, I thought we had a nice family but you know, sometimes brothers are annoying. But I see that really everyone in our family is very nice and treats each other nicely.

And whenever we come home, you always smile at us and say nice things like ‘I’m so happy to see you!’ Not everyone does that.”

(My kids are very careful about not speaking negatively about others, so they won’t directly say if they see something at the home of someone else or anywhere else that they don’t like. And as interesting as I would find specific feedback, I don’t encourage that kind of discussion.)

Believe me, I’ve had years of complaints and suggestions about how I could do things better! It’s nice when they start to have a more appreciative eye.

I was struck by how much a smile meant to my son.  Smiling at your child doesn’t seem like such a big deal, does it? It really isn’t a major action to take, but it has the power to make a person feel warm and loved inside. And the absence of that smile was striking enough for my son to think about how much he appreciated the family he has.

Avivah

Our newest grandchild has arrived!!

Parenting, pregnancy

Harry Potter fans will immediately recognize the Quidditch theme of my daughter and her husband on Purim – with their soon-to-be born baby featured as the Golden Snitch.

MT Purim 2019

Just two days later, early this morning I headed over to my daughter after she notified me she was in labor. It’s such a privilege it is to be invited to be part of such a personal and sacred time in a couple’s lives.

It was a beautiful birth, with some uncanny similarities to her sister’s birth just eleven weeks ago. Different, obviously, but another empowering, sacred, and peaceful transition for mother and baby to their new roles in life.

Our beautiful new granddaughter, less than two hours old!
Our beautiful new granddaughter, less than two hours old!

The different midwives at each birth told me how glad they were to be present at the births, that it was a ‘privilege’ and ‘made me happy ‘ to be there. They said that most women, particularly for their first births, aren’t having the kind of births that our daughters did.

My husband commented about how my values about birthing have passed along to our girls. We all impact our children in so many ways without even being aware of it. I don’t remember consciously trying to implant positive attitudes about birth but it was my expectation and experience. Very often, the experiences of a parent will create an initial reference point of what is normal for one’s children as they grow.

My belief is that birth is a powerful, intense and overall positive experience, and attitudes like that seep down just like beliefs about pain, powerlessness and suffering, which create a different kind of expectation toward birth.

Both of our daughters had thought about the births they wanted and made choices that would support that kind of birth. This is critical in every area of life – to be clear about what you want. Without clarity, you don’t know if you’re moving in the right direction or not when you take actions. People are quick to assume that someone has been lucky when they get something they wanted (like a great birth), but my experience is that luck favors the prepared.

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On hearing the news about our new granddaughter, a blog reader turned friend-in-real-life commented about how amazing it was that just a year and a half ago she was a guest at our home and both of our daughters were single and in the not so enjoyable stage of life known as shidduchim … and here they are married and mothers!

Yes, it really is amazing how so much can change in such a short amount of time.

Within a span of 8.5 months, our three oldest children got married. Within 9.5 months, all of them have had baby girls. It warms my heart to think of these cousins growing up with each other.

As a parent, it’s easy to get caught up in the day to day issues and lose sight of the forest for the trees. By pausing to get a glimpse of that long term view, it can offer you encouragement and strength to get through the current struggles, remembering that wherever you are right now, it’s not forever and all your efforts will be worth it.

Not only that, the long term view can be so much bigger and better than you thought it could be!

Me with my new granddaughter
Me with my new granddaughter

Avivah

Ds12 putting on tefillin for the first time!

Parenting

I started this blog when my seventh child was just a few months old, almost thirteen years ago, so most readers don’t know he was born a week before Pesach!

We had his shalom zachor on Shabbos Hagadol (the Shabbos before Passover) and his bris was the first day of Pesach.  (That was followed by a brother who had a bris erev Rosh Hashana, and the next brother having a bris on erev Shavuos! Yep, we do holidays right! :))

For those who are curious about how we managed that, my amazing oldest two daughters who were at the time 11 and 9.5 came into my room when he was about a few hours old on Thursday evening holding a notebook, and asked me about what recipes they should prepare for the shalom zachor the next night. (We had fortunately turned our kitchen over for Pesach just the day before.)

They baked everything, together with ds12. Really. And those who attended were so impressed that a year later when they sold home-baked Pesach cakes and kugels, they had a ready clientele who remembered the things they had made a year before!

Together with dh, the oldest three kids also prepared all the food for the bris, which was held in our home. Yep, they were amazing!

Back to the present. I’ve known for all these years that we would have a very busy bar mitzva season for this son due to it coming so close to Pesach. And here we are – it’s around the corner!

(And this season will be even busier than I was anticipating all these years, since our oldest daughter is due five days before his bar mitzva! Like I said, we do holidays right!!)

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A boy puts on tefillin for the first time a month before his bar mitzva; dh and ds12 went to our shul accompanied by ds11 and ds9.

E - tefillin 1

Remember the littles? Here they are - very much not so little any more!
Remember the ‘littles’? Here they all are – very much not so little any more!

A number of people in real life have commented that he’s on the tall side for a bar mitzva boy.  Yes, he is! So far all our oldest three boys have been about 5′ 8″ at their bar mitzvas and pass me in height (I’m 5’9″) the year after, and ds12 is following in their footsteps. More important than physical height is that he continue to grow emotionally and spiritually in a healthy and balanced way!

Avivah