With our particular situation as foster parents, our identity is protected from the bio parents for our safety. This is not always the case for foster parents but that’s how it was set up for us. As such, there are procedures in place when I take the kids to the visitation with their parents at the visitation center each week to preserve our anonymity – the parent goes in, then the supervisor calls to tell me the parent is there and that it’s okay for me to bring the kids in. We leave in reverse order, with enough time given for us to leave the parking lot before they tell the parent it’s okay to go out.
This has worked effectively for many months. Six weeks ago we switched to a new mediation center, and the social worker told me they would do something similar. That’s what they said, but that’s not what they’re doing.
The first week she confirmed it was okay to go in, but the second week when I called to confirm it was okay for us to get out of the car – I arrived ten minutes early and it’s hard for the kids to wait inside the car after a drive of almost an hour – the social worker chastised me for calling and told me of course I’m not allowed to come inside during someone else’s turn.
I reminded her that my identity is protected and I didn’t want to start the visit early, I just wanted to be able to get out of the car with the kids.
The next week they switched to a different supervising social worker but didn’t give me his number, so I wasn’t able to call to ascertain the parent was inside and they didn’t remember to give him my number with instructions to call me, so I waited until the last minute I could without being late for visitation. It’s been six weeks now and they haven’t called me except that first week.
At the last visit as I pulled up to the traffic circle next to the mediation center, I saw the twins’ father walking towards the building. I felt uneasy because dd7 was sitting in the front passenger seat and there were no other cars in the area so it would be a reasonable thing for him to look up. If he did, he would immediately know who I was. Fortunately he didn’t look up and the windows were closed so he didn’t hear the children calling his name.
Since I had seen him, I didn’t have to call to ascertain his arrival. The kids were very hyped up because they had seen him and it was hard for them to wait but I waited about eight minutes to be sure he was inside – it takes a maximum of two minutes to go in. There were still a few minutes until our appointment but knowing the coast was clear, I took the kids to wait outside of the building entrance so they could get some of their energy out.
There is a path leading to the building entrance and there are high walls on each side, so you can’t see the entrance unless you are directly opposite it. The parking lots are on the sides of the building so as you approach after getting out of your vehicle, there’s no way to see anyone until you turn into the path.
I was holding dd’s hand and ds ran a little bit ahead of me. As he turned the corner into the path, I heard him exclaim, “Abba!” For some reason, his father had come back outside, which has never happened before.
I thought, “Oh, no, what am I supposed to do now?” I couldn’t stay on the other side of the wall since I couldn’t leave ds7 unattended, but if I turned the corner to get him, his father would see me.
Well, there was no choice but to turn the corner and get ds7. I accepted that this has to happen and there’s no reason for it to be a big deal.
As I turned into the pathway, ds had just asked his father something and his father tensely responded, “I’m not allowed to be here.” He faced the building and kept his back towards me with his gaze averted. I saw the cigarette he had just thrown down and realized he had gone outside to smoke.
Feeling conscious of his proximity just a few feet away, I told dd that we needed to go wait to the side of the building and give her father his turn to go in, and then it would be our turn. Ds7 was confused why we couldn’t wait there and didn’t want to go, so I had to take his hand to lead him away. Their father didn’t turn his head at all to look at me – I thought it was very disciplined of him. The angle he had his head turned slightly to the right was a little unusual, though; he wasn’t looking directly ahead of him, which is what would be expected.
When I came to pick the children up, I stood in front of the frosted glass doors and held my head at the exact angle I had seen their father looking, and then it was obvious why he chose that angle. The glass doors provided a perfect mirror and at that angle he could watch me closely, with his sunglasses concealing his eyes so it wouldn’t be obvious if I were to look at him.
How do I feel about this? Well, less bothered than I did the week that his girlfriend waiting in the car videoed me walking with the two kids into the mediation center. Part of me would rather have had some verbal contact acknowledging one another because it’s an awkward and artificial situation. I suppose it was inevitable at some point that he would see us and while I don’t feel endangered, I do feel uncomfortable.
A couple of nights ago I made a sixteen liter pot of matbucha, and it was only the next day that I realized what a perfect idea it was for Pesach!
I decided to make a large batch after seeing that the six kilos of matbucha we made for the first two days of the holiday were completely finished.
This is a wonderfully versatile dish. Having prepared it at night, it was ready first thing the next day when everyone was ready for breakfast, and we were able to quickly prepare shakshuka. (Shakshuka – heat a good amount of matbucha/tomato sauce in a frying pan, and when it’s hot, make several indentations in the sauce, dropping an egg into each indentation. Let them poach just a few minutes until set, and then serve.)
Matbucha can also be used as a dip, or as a sauce for meat, chicken or fish. My oldest son arrived with his family in time to overlap with my two married sons who were here for the first days, so we had a nice crowd for dinner. I served matbucha for a dinner accompaniment. (Dinner was fennel salad, tomato salad, marinated carrots and kohlrabi, matbucha, onion pie, sweet potatoes and potatoes, and meat.)
I don’t have an exact recipe, but I always use the same vegetables. You can adjust for more or less of all of the vegetables and it will come out great!
I started with ten huge onions, and chopped and sauteed them all in oil. Then I minced about fifteen cloves of garlic and added them to the pot. I added eight green peppers, chopped. Once they were all sauteed, I added the chopped tomatoes – I used two cases of tomatoes. (I had a lot and wanted to use them while they were in perfect condition.) That simmered on the stove for a couple of hours before I added some tomato paste to thicken it. Finally, I added salt and pepper, and it was done. (Usually I add more spices but this was excellent as it was.)
Since this is so versatile, I’ll be able to use it during the coming week for various meals. It defrosts well, so I froze several containers of it in addition to what I refrigerated for more immediate use.
Here are recipes for several of the kugels I made for the first days of Pesach. I didn’t include my potato kugel recipe since I don’t have measurements, but hopefully you’ll enjoy the others.
Onion Kugel
6 onions, sliced
1 c. water
1/2 c. oil
5 eggs
1/2 c. potato starch
1 t. salt
1/2 t. pepper
Mix everything together, bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit/180 Celcius for 1 hour.
***I made this a second time and forgot to add the oil, and discovered that without the oil, this recipe turns into onion pie, with the potato starch and water combining and sinking to the bottom to create a crust. It’s also good!
Butternut Squash Kugel
2 medium butternut squash, baked
3/4 c. potato starch
1/2 c. oil
3 eggs
1/2 t. salt
Blend up or mix thoroughly all of the ingredients, pour into greased pans. Prepare crunch topping.
Crunch Topping:
1/3 c. potato starch
1/2 c. ground nuts (I used walnuts)
1/4 c. oil
1 t. cinnamon
1/4 c. sugar/honey
Mix, bake at 350 Fahrenheit/180 Celcius for 20 minutes. Let cool somewhat, crumble and spread on top of butternut squash mixture in pans. Bake the kugels ag 350 F/180 C until firm (up to an hour if using 9×13 pan).
Vegetable Kugel
2 large onions, diced
4 stalks celery, diced
2 peppers, diced
4 carrots, shredded
8 potatoes, shredded
8 eggs
3 t. salt
pepper
Saute all vegetables except for potatoes. After sauteed, add remaining ingredients. Bake at 350 F/180 C for 45 – 60 minutes.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law arrived last night from the United States, along with two of my married sons and grandchildren. My mom lives locally and will be coming this afternoon to stay with us for Shabbos and the first day of Pesach – thank G-d, the house is full!
Everyone who has come so far has been very impressed by all of the changes we’ve made to our house. I really love it! The kitchen is a pleasure to work in; even with lots of people around I don’t feel crowded and there’s space for others to work alongside me without anyone getting in anyone else’s space. I’ve been exclaiming a few times a day, “Have I said how much I love this kitchen!?!” – and then I describe another benefit that I’ve noticed.
It’s really wonderful and though I’ve always appreciated the spaciousness of my home and outdoor space, I’ve never especially liked the main area of my home, and now love how it feels.
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Since there’s so much to do and I have four children who need a lot of interaction and supervision during their waking hours, I’ve gotten up around 4:30 am the last three mornings to get things done. I’m taking a quick break now to share my Pesach menu for the first two days of the holiday with you before they wake up. Usually I write down my holiday lists, but then am so busy I don’t have time to post it and then what’s the point of posting after the holiday? So here you go!
My house is overflowing with fresh produce and it looks excessive to see the cases stacked up, but I know how fast it all goes with so many people eating three meals a day. I used 25 kilos of potatoes the first day and a half, before Pesach even started. My son told me that doesn’t make sense, but that’s actually what we used so far. That includes the baked potato knishes for lunch today, but doesn’t include anything for the holiday yet.
I wasn’t able to find cocoa in the stores, and a staple dessert that I make on Pesach is brownies. I haven’t yet decided what to make as the cake for my nineteen year old’s birthday circle the first day of Pesach; I might use the blondies. The dessert isn’t really the main point, the birthday circle is, and it’s always nice to have more family members to share in the circle.
I’m planning to double the kugels and freeze half for the last part of Pesach, and I’m doing the same with the marinated salads that will stay fresh in the fridge for the week. Cook once, eat twice. 🙂 Edited to add: that was a nice sentiment, but we went through everything listed above in the first two days of Shabbos/Pesach, even what I thought would be put into the freezer for the end of Pesach.
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There’s so much to do and so much of that isn’t seen – the endless loads of laundry this entire week, hanging, folding, putting away. Shopping for clothing for everyone. Buying and putting away all of the food. Cooking all of the food. Cleaning for Pesach. Taking care of the younger kids. Giving them all haircuts. But even if these aren’t consciously noticed, these things all contribute to a nice environment for everyone.
I have a cabinet where I put all of the items needing sewing repairs, and this week I fixed most of those. For today I have a couple of new pairs of suit pants to hem.
This year we had all of the renovations on top of everything else and I made seemingly endless trips to the hardware store. The kitchen backsplash is now tiled, though not yet grouted. The floor in the old kitchen area where the plumbing was has been tiled.
On the mini homestead front, I sold a lot of chicks last week. I give ds17 and ds15 the profits remaining after paying for the chick feed since they do all of the incubating and caring for the new chicks. They thought I should keep part of the money, but I consider the chickens we keep as my payment. We started incubating a new batch of Brahma eggs that will be ready after Pesach. Seeing all of those new chicks caused a number of our hens to go broody (to want to hatch their own eggs); we now have six broody hens sitting together on one batch of eggs; it will be interesting when the chicks hatch to see how they coparent!
I previously held back two roosters when we processed all of our roosters, but it turns out that one chicken that we thought was a hen has revealed himself as a rooster. I decided that one rooster for the main flock is enough, so I sold two roosters earlier this week. It’s not worth it for us to take two chickens for shechita and I didn’t want all of the extra work processing them right now. The people who bought them are very happy and two days later called me wanting more. Now I have a good way to sell all of my roosters in the future that we don’t want, which is very nice.
This week we brought in a male goat for breeding purposes but he wasn’t letting my does eat and the older doe kept looking at me from a distance and bleating at me to help her. The first morning I took the other goats out to graze when he was on the other side of the pen; I didn’t think that would be an issue since they weren’t a bonded group. He charged at the door of the pen and began breaking it open. That was frightening for me since I was on the other side of the door. It was six am but I quickly woke up my husband and son so they could help me since I was in over my head dealing with him.
They put the other goats back in and he calmed down, but that really stressed me. We brought him since we hoped it might marginally be the end of breeding season but obviously nothing was happening on that front; maybe with time that would have changed but at this time I didn’t want to wait a few weeks since it would negatively impact my holiday. Usually the animals are a source of relaxation for me that but with this buck here that wasn’t the case. I want our grandchildren to be able to interact with the goats if they want to, which they can’t do if he’s here, so yesterday we took him back. We’ll try again after Sukkos.
We ordered hay and this year it was clover; last year it was wheat hay and it was a huge issue to deal with for Pesach. We ordered cracked corn for the chickens for Pesach and started fermenting it yesterday to increase the nutritional value for them, so it will be ready for them by Sunday. Meanwhile, they’re eating up all of our chametz!
Today was my son’s 19th birthday! I started this blog when he was just three and a half months old. Time flies….
I got a call at 8:15 this morning from our social worker, letting me know that the guardian ad litem (GAL) wanted to know if the twins are home today, and if so, she’s coming this morning. Of course the week before Pesach when there’s nothing else to do is a perfect time for a visit with minimal notice!
We had a lot of building materials still around the patio and yard that I wanted to clear away, so I asked that she come at noon.
It was good to get the materials cleaned up early in the day, and afterwards the teens cleaned upstairs for Pesach.
There’s been so much negativity and pressure associated with her visits, and the good thing about that is I’ve kind of run out of emotional energy to care much more about what she may complain about.
What I focused on instead was to presume good intention on her part. The social worker’s supervisor also came, and I noticed that the GAL also spoke with her in a critical way that sounds attacking. That was helpful for me to see, to realize that a lot of what has been said to me isn’t necessarily personal. By not taking taking her comments personally and with my looking for the good, I was able to view her in a more appreciative way than I’ve been able to in the past.
I don’t know what complaints may come out about this visit afterwards, but I felt it was a good visit. It felt fitting that she was the first visitor to see our new space, since it was when she came last time that it was clear to me how much I disliked people entering the house directly into the kitchen, no matter how neat it was. That was the final impetus I needed to make these changes.
I showed you pictures of the new kitchen setup; now here’s a picture of the new living room/dining room. It’s spackled but not yet painted (the hooks with the aprons hanging on it will be moved). I’ve taken pictures from a couple of angles to give you an idea of how the room looks overall.
This is where the main part of the kitchen with the sink was previously, before the wall behind it as well as the wall next to the stairs taken down. (Remember this was when we had started dissembling the kitchen and the overflowing counters weren’t reflective of how the kitchen usually looked.)
After the renovation, before painting. (The hooks and aprons will be taken down.)
Below is a picture taken from the kitchen – I included a corner of the fridge on the right so you can get an idea of the proximity of the two rooms to one another. The walls are somewhat staggered so the floor plan isn’t completely open, but it’s mostly open.
You can also see the area under the stairs has been closed in and has an access door. It needs a little more drywall work before being painted, but it’s very functional. The kids LOVE this little nook with the mini door – they haven’t gotten tired of playing in it yet.
We have exactly the same items in both the old and new kitchen and living room, but even though the floor space and furnishings are the same, both the kitchen and living room feel more spacious.
The below picture shows one benefit from changing things around. We have a large hallway that housed just the bookcases and isn’t a good use of space – too small to make another bedroom, too big for just a bookcase. By moving the living room to where it is now, the hallway is no longer wasted space and has become an extension of the living room.
I’m really, really pleased with the changes we’ve made. It feels like a new house to me! I am so happy with the increased feeling of space. When I was picturing what I wanted, I hoped it was going to be worth all of the effort, but I realized when I described what I wanted to do to the the plumber and electrician, and even my family members, none of them could visualize what we would gain by doing these renovations. I appreciate that my sons trusted my judgment and agreed to make the changes I asked them to make, even without being able to picture the improvement it would make to our home.
I’m sorry I didn’t think of taking a picture of the living room/dining room area before we moved the furniture out of the area and had and table out of that area and put some of the kitchen wall unit pieces there – it would be nice to show the difference.
But the supervisor (who was here for the last home visit less than four weeks ago) and the GAL were both visibly taken aback at how different everything looked from when they were last here. In a good way. 🙂
Two days ago I was sitting in the coop holding the baby chicks when I saw a movement from the corner of my eyes.
Outside of the coop a large mongoose was walking by, checking out our coop. Midmorning I open the door to the coop and the chickens go in and out as they like, coming in for the night when the sun begins to get lower in the sky. At that point I lock them in for the night.
It was late afternoon and the majority of the chickens were in the coop, but some were still outside. I jumped up and started yelling, “Oh, no, get in, get in, get in!” as if they could understand me. What it probably did do that was effective was make the mongoose aware it wasn’t a good time to strike and he disappeared.
Until we began raising chickens, all I knew about mongooses came from the endearing character in the classic children’s story, Rikki Tikki Tavi. Set in India, the mongoose was saved from drowning by the child of the family and later the mongoose saved the child from a cobra family.
A mongoose is a big weasel and in real life, they’re far from endearing. ‘Vicious’ is the word that the man who sold us our first ducks and warned about how one will enter a coop and rip off the heads of multiple birds, eating none of them.
We’ve tried to build as secure a coop as possible. But it’s not easy keeping determined predators out, who have the entire night to work their way in. Several years ago on Friday night, my son heard the chickens clucking in alarm and ran out, yelling to us when he got there “Something is in the coop!” That something was a mongoose, who ran out when my son opened the door. It killed two hens and the next day two others died from their injuries.
We strengthened our coop even more, and until now didn’t have any return visits.
After seeing the mongoose, I told one teen that I was hopeful that it was hunting vipers. (We had a viper enter the coop one day, eating one chicken and killing another. – that was another adventuresome morning for the Werner family.) My son said it sounded like wishful thinking on my part.
It was still dark at 5:15 am on Saturday morning when I heard my son yelling from the porch upstairs, “Mongoose, mongoose!” He told us afterward he heard the chickens call out and looked over the side of the porch and saw the mongoose run inside the length of the coop. My husband ran outside while I paused to put on shoes before running out. Less than a minute after hearing my son call out, I was outside and already there were all three teens as well as husband. One was holding a huge knife, another a broom.
The mongoose was gone.
We did a check of the coop a couple of hours later when the sun was up, and thankfully all of the birds were safe. My son’s fast reaction in yelling had scared the mongoose off before we all got there. But now with a mongoose on the prowl, we need to shore up our coop.
We have large rocks lining the inside and outside of the coop, and part of the coop has a ‘skirt’ of chicken wire that is under the ground, to prevent predators from digger under and getting in. Today we’re going to closely inspect the coop to see how and where a mongoose got in, and seal it off.
Though we’ve had tremendous progress on the kitchen, Wednesday evening the boys and I were all really tired and felt a bit disappointed that we hadn’t accomplished as much as we hoped to that day.
I have a tendency to want to get the tasks on my list done and then do the relaxing or enjoyable things. That’s fine on a normal day when there’s time for everything, but at times that there’s a huge amount of tasks to do, the time for rest doesn’t come and it can lead to burnout. I’m protective of myself from these tendencies, and despite the many things piled high in the kitchen waiting to be organized, when I woke up the next morning I resolved to begin the day with ample quiet and calm.
I headed to the chicken coop.
I take care of the chickens daily and sometimes spend long minutes in the coop, but almost never take time to sit down. Yesterday morning I pulled up a chair next to the brooder housing the week old chicks, and took out three chicks to hold.
It’s very relaxing being with chickens. It’s also very interesting watching them; someone coined the term ‘chicken tv’ and that’s accurate. The more I watch them, the more interesting it is to learn their behavior patterns and understand more of why the do what they do.
I spent over an hour sitting in the coop, and all three cute balls of fluff climbed right up from my lap to perch on my shoulder.
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Yesterday’s goal was to finish the kitchen. It was the last day the younger four kids would be in school before Pesach vacation began, and once they’re home, my ability to get things done goes down quite a bit.
There’s a lot of work that had to happen between the last post when big pieces were in place, to having all of the small details finished. Those details are what make a huge difference between an end result being merely functional or really nice.
The kitchen cabinets were adjusted so they will be higher for our tall family. The hanging cabinets are hung. The toekicks are installed.
The countertops are cut and installed.
The countertops were my biggest concern, since this isn’t work we have any experience with. It was dd28 who encouraged me about this – last year (thanks to our example), they put a new/used kitchen into their rental apartment, doing all of the work themselves. However, they also cut the countertop, something I had considered outside of our capacity in all of our past kitchen renovations. She told me it was easier than she expected, and it was her confidence that made me willing to try it.
Before the boys began working on the countertops, I asked them if they would be upset if they did the work, but then wasn’t happy with the result and wanted to get new countertops. They said it would be okay. Then, when they were taking off the first countertop from the island, something happened and for a long minute they thought it might have cracked. At that moment, it was really important to me that they not feel pressured about this project, and I told them that if something cracked or didn’t turn out well, it was okay – we would buy new countertops. (It didn’t crack.)
The countertops were a huge project that took two days. Though they all worked on it together, it was ds17 who made all of the cuts. Ds17 was exacting in his work and he did an amazing job, with an end result that was better than the best I hoped for.
When the plumber (who’s also a general handyman and has been for decades) came back to finish the final bit of work he had remaining , he was very impressed by how the countertops turned out. He told me he’s never tried to do work like that and exclaimed, “Your boys are really something, they really know how to do the work!”
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We began the kitchen on Monday morning and…drumroll….. Thursday night it was finished! I am super pleased with how the kitchen turned out; it was worth all of the effort.
I’ve reorganized all of the cabinets and cleaned them for Pesach; what’s left is to put away the odds and ends that don’t quite belong anywhere. It was a long and productive day for us all; today it will be so nice to do all of the cooking for Shabbos in our new kitchen.
Though there’s a bit less counter and cabinet space than I previously had, the space is much more usable. Everything feels bigger and better. We now have a spacious kitchen with plenty of workspace and storage space. It’s light and airy and has a beautiful view. I love it! In addition to other smaller advantages that I’m happy about, we achieved our two main goals: since it’s a mostly open floor plan with the living/dining area, it will be more comfortable when hosting guests, and finally, people won’t enter our house directly into our kitchen anymore!
The final detail remaining to do for the kitchen is to tile the backsplash. The tiles will be delivered on Monday, and I don’t want to push to get it done because there’s still plenty to do before Pesach. I also ordered some tiles to fill in the broken area on the floor of the old kitchen area where the plumbing pipes were. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a perfect match but since the entire first floor of our home has the same tiling and I’m not interested in retiling all of it, that small area won’t be ideal but it will be done. I do hope to tile that before Pesach.
I kept reminding myself and the boys, “Done is better than perfect!”
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We’re now turning our attention to finishing the area that the kitchen used to be in, that is now the living/dining room.
The staircase railing has been installed.
Here’s the progression of what that looked like:
Starting to take apart kitchen wall unitsWall units down, starting to take down wall next to stairsThe wall is downThe railing is finished!
The next big project is removing the wall tiling from the old kitchen area and repainting the walls.
The tile backsplash before
Once the cabinets were taken out and the tiles were off, an even bigger project remained- with the tiles gone, there was a broken thick layer of tile adhesive stuck to the wall. In order to paint, the wall would need to be spackled, but to spackled, all of that tile glue had to be chipped off with a drill. This was a tremendous amount of work, all of which was done by ds15. Once the adhesive was off, the walls looked quite beat up.
Here half of the area has the first layer of spackle. Note the table piled with all of the tools and hardware in use.
Ds15 has done all of this project and did a lot of the spackling before he and ds18 switched places. Ds18 had been working on building the chicken coop while ds17 finished the last part of the kitchen, so ds15 went out to finish the coop while ds18 did more spackling. The wall is going to need several layers of spackle before it will be smooth and can be painted; each layer has to dry and be sanded before the next layer can be applied. It’s not a one day project.
Also before painting, the electrician needs to finish his work insetting the electrical outlets. When he began moving the outlets and light switches, he made them with visible tracks and plastic boxes that sit on top of the wall. I didn’t see this until he had done several and asked him to change it so that everything is set in the wall. Otherwise it looks tacky. We’ll need to spackle all of the areas that he works on when he finishes. As I said previously, it took him quite some time to get here so I don’t know when he’ll finish up.
Another project is the area under the stairs.
This area has been used for storage, and that was concealed by the kitchen wall units. Once they were moved, the storage space is visible and it doesn’t look nice. I’d like to close it in and put an access door there, using the door that was part of the separate entrance that we took down. You can look above at the pictures of the stairs and the railing and you’ll see what I’m referring to.
Yesterday afternoon one of the boys cut it down to fit the shorter entrance area but I’m not at all happy with how it looks. I’m concerned that once it’s installed no one will later be willing to replace it with something that looks better. My husband and the boys all think it looks fine but I’m the most visual person of them all so that’s not surprising. At this point, redoing the door means a huge amount of work that no one, including me, is interested in right now. So I once again I remind myself, ‘Done is better than perfect!”
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One day midweek, ds15 took out our welder to try to figure out how to weld. This was providential timing since the plumber arrived right after that. Seeing the welder and the pile of metal beams that had been taken down from the porch, the plumber commented that now they can build something with it. Ds15 told him they don’t know how to weld very well.
The plumber used our welder to finish installing the railing. Having seen how good the boys were at other building related things, when he finished working he took the time to give ds15 and ds17 (ds18 and I were gone that day) some instruction. Just ten minutes was all they needed to move beyond what they already knew how to do, to really being able to weld properly. This is a skill that we all felt our family was missing. We can build with wood, and building with metal is somewhat similar except you melt the metal together instead of screwing wood together.
Ds afterward cut pieces of metal and practiced welding them onto a post, and when the plumber came back the next day, he looked at it and said it was well done.
Now ds15 and ds17 have learned to weld, and they’ll be able to show ds18. We’re all pleased to have a new skill learned.
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Not only was the kitchen finished yesterday, so was the chicken coop! It looks great. Ds18 did most of the building for this, with ds15 helping out. It’s a really nice coop. They used our scrap wood supply to build it, and the supply is now almost completely finished. Ds15 used some scrap metal that we had (not a weldable metal) and made a beautiful door, lightweight and strong. I marvel at how they get things done.
It’s been a productive week, but it hasn’t been all work. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!” Each morning the boys spend several hours in shul learning Torah before coming home and starting on our work projects. One afternoon they took a hike with friends midday; last night they had a singing circle at a local spring with other friends. They always stop whatever they’re doing before it’s time to go to shul for mincha/maariv and don’t resume after coming home at night. While it’s been busy, it’s been balanced, and as I said previously, it’s a really nice energy when they work together.
The electrician came back and put in the new outlets, and though there’s still more work for him to do, it no longer requires us to wait on installing the new kitchen.
New outlets in, the island before it was dismantled
Having the go ahead to get busy taking apart the kitchen unleashed my sons’ energy and they all got to work. While I cleaned up the kitchen so the boys could dissemble it all, they took the countertop off of the island. This wasn’t easy because it was securely glued down on all sides, but perserverance is a good quality to have and they got it off.
Ds17 – left; ds15 – center, ds18 – right
Once that was done, they took the countertop outside – it’s a huge and heavy piece of stone – and then turned to dissembling the final part of the kitchen. The hardest part of a kitchen renovation is when the sink is taken out because that’s the heart of food preparation and cleanup. Here they are soon after they began.
The kitchen countertop was much easier to remove than the island countertop – it’s always nice when it happens that you’ve done the harder thing first and the second time around it’s easier. They removed it from the base cabinets while separating the two sections that had been seamed together.
The kitchen is almost completely taken apart! All that’s left to move are the top hanging cabinets.
I had to change my original (exhaustively thought out) floor plans after finding out how expensive it would be to have a professional refabricate our existing countertops. We decided we would try to cut the countertop ourselves, and to keep the current double sink that is already installed in the countertop rather than have two separate sinks along two different walls. (Cutting the sink spaces would require specialty equipment that we don’t have.)
That meant big changes to the intended layout. It was a little stressful to make changes at this point since the gas installation had already been done, the plumbing already begun, and I had detailed my plans to the electrician. It’s not comfortable when your plans suddenly need to be changed but I feel good about the changes and it’s going to be great.
Here are the cabinets reassembled in their new location.
The countertop to the left is what used to be on the island, but now is cut down to fit these cabinets
Ds17 enjoys working with the router (remember my last post when he was the one to take apart the metal pergola?), so the other boys said he should be the one to cut down the countertop from the island. Working with big pieces of stone isn’t a one person job, though – they were all involved even though he’s the one who did the cutting.
After they took apart and rebuilt the cabinets, ds17 cut down the large piece that topped the island so it’s the right depth. He told me after doing it that it made him feel like there was nothing about renovating a kitchen that was hard.
You can’t give a child confidence, but you can give them opportunities to stretch and learn new skills, and the resulting competence builds confidence.
The plumber was supposed to come later in the afternoon to connect the water pipes, but then called to say he forgot he had a dentist appointment so he couldn’t make it. I told him it was fine, but if he had even a little time to stop over after his appointment, we’d be glad to be able to use the water. I didn’t expect him to come until the next day, but he showed up and our water is now connected!
I’m so grateful and delighted that the hardest part of the renovation, not having a sink, lasted just a few hours. It’s been uncomfortable living with things in disorder for the last two and I’ve felt some discomfort about having to continually remind workmen about coming, but having the sink back in use so quickly makes the entire renovation feel so much easier. I’m not yet using the sink because the counters aren’t in and it’s not sealed for water, so I don’t want to damage anything with water leaking through. But just being able to get a drink of water is helpful.
And of course, one more important piece that needed to be finished is off my mental list.
Tomorrow I’m going to make a trip with ds18 to Beit Shemesh. He’s going to meet with someone there, while I go to the carpentry shop and buy toekicks (the covering for the area under the cabinets). If you’re wondering why I’m not buying closer to home, I went to a carpentry shop locally and he didn’t have the size I needed, and the Beit Shemesh store has what I need and will cut it to size while I wait. I know from experience that when you delay finishing touches while using your kitchen, you may never get to them – we never put toekicks on the part of the old kitchen where the sink was – and I didn’t want to make that mistake again. Hence a long trip at a busy time when there are many other things requiring my attention.
From there, I intend to look for wall tiles at an outlet store in Petach Tikva, as well as another large item for another project that we definitely won’t begin until after Pesach. I’m going to leave right after the kids go to school, with the hope I’ll be back before they get home. With Pesach so close, I want to get this done now because otherwise I’ll have to wait until after Pesach to make the trip.
I’m not planning to do the tiling before Pesach – my focus will be on taking down the tiling in the old kitchen area and getting the area spackled and ready for painting before Pesach. It may get painted before then, I’m not sure. It would be nice but I want to be realistic about what is doable – it’s important to go into the holiday feeling calm and rested, not worn out and stressed.
For tomorrow the focus will be to continue working on the countertop – the sides of this large piece that was cut needs to be trimmed flat on each end side – they’re currently rounded slightly since they were the edges of the island and it needs to fit snugly against the next piece. Then there are two more pieces to cut. One is for the area to the right of the sink, which has a curved wall next to it. The second piece will be to cover the 20 cm gap between the end of the counter and the appliance garage on the left.
My three teen boys all have vacation and I just love when they’re home together!
The hazard of having them home is they like to all congregate together in my room at night to hang out so it’s hard to do any writing or go to sleep. The years go by quickly and I don’t want to lose this time with them.
Yesterday was the first day of them working together; it’s so, so nice because first of all, I love seeing them together, and secondly, every single one of them is really helpful and knows how to get things done. When they work together, they’re an amazing team. When I ask them to do something, they do what I want in the time frame that I want. I have yet to find anyone I can pay who works nearly as well as them; my daughter who lives here has had the same experience.
The progress of my kitchen renovation has been very delayed. The first stage of the electric work needed to be completed before any cabinets could be put in place, and the electrician finally came two weeks after he said he would come. That’s pushed everything off, and though I’ve felt some impatience to get this going and get it done so I can move on to Pesach preparations, it’s been okay that it’s taken longer.
This is how it’s looked for almost two weeks while we waited for him to come; there’s a light switch and outlet behind where the wall units that needed to be moved.
Once the electrician came and moved the light switch, ds15 and ds17 were finally able to put together the wall units. It was so nice to have them in place.
I still need outlets above where the new counter area will be, before moving the base cabinets and countertops into place; the electrician said he would come back in a few days.
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I had to go out for a few hours in the morning and since they didn’t want to take apart the kitchen if I wasn’t there, the boys found constructive activities to busy themselves with.
Our porch upstairs is a nice size but as a porch it doesn’t get much use (other than the teens sleeping there at night since they like the fresh air) since we have so much outdoor space downstairs. As the families of our married children grow, it’s harder and harder for parents to share a room with all of their children. When they come on a weekend when no other married siblings are here, it’s no problem to give them two bedrooms, but when we have other guests, we don’t have that option.
For the last five years we’ve been paying higher property tax for the open porch as if it’s an enclosed part of the house and that’s kind of annoying, so I’ve often thought there’s some additional incentive there to rebalance things (ie and close in the porch) so we have the benefit of what we’re being taxed for.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law will be coming from the US to stay with us for all of Pesach. This year we had four married children who wanted to come for the Pesach seder but even after the teens agreeing to vacate their room for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to stay in, we only had two more guest rooms. Obviously the math doesn’t work out for everyone to be here at once!
I didn’t want to tell anyone not to come but we just didn’t have space for everyone at one time. This is the first time I’ve been unable to accomodate everyone, since my local daughter has guest space and was able to host our overflow guests for sleeping.
After several weeks of feeling stymied, I finally decided that we’ll split the hosting of the married kids. Two of them will come for the seder, and the other two will come for the end of Pesach. One family will come for the middle days of Pesach. One has lived locally until this week (they’re moving to RBS-D near my oldest son’s family) so they aren’t coming for Pesach. Then next year, those who came for the last days this year will come for the seder, and those who came for the seder will come for the end of Pesach. So the plan is to alternate guests for the seder every year, instead of having everyone at once.
You can see that we can use some additional sleeping space!
My teens were enthused about closing in the porch but my husband requested a pause on it, explaining that when there’s a project with details he wants to be able to oversee it. With the kitchen renovation still very much in progress, he asked that we not have two big projects simultaneously taking place.
I could see the logic in that but felt it was a shame to waste all of the manpower available during this very short period of time, since if we don’t do it now, they won’t be available until the summer. With so much family coming for Pesach it would be nice to have more hosting space but I respected my husband’s preference and we put the porch project to the side.
I don’t know what changed when I was out for just four hours – my husband said when he was watching the boys work he saw how competent they were and that made him more comfortable with them doing the porch now. But when I came back, I heard very loud noises from the porch and as I came into our yard, looked up to see my sons taking apart the metal pergola.
That took me by surprise! It was a huge job, since it’s constructed of heavy duty metal pieces welded in place, and it took several hours to cut it down. The three of them started working on it together but then ds17 did most of the work to cut it apart. They recognize their strengths and tend to assign jobs according to who is best at/ enjoys what the most. They joke that ds17 is best at deconstructing and ds18 is best at constructing, but the truth is they’re all good at everything.
Here’s what it looks like once the metal pergola was taken down:
Now we have a large amount of high quality metal to work with – believe it or not, I don’t yet have any projects in mind for them
The next step is to order the building materials to close in the porch. My husband spent a couple of days working out the specifics on exactly what we need, and will place the order tomorrow (assuming they have what we need in stock – if they don’t, they said we’ll have to wait until after Pesach).
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While ds17 was working on that, ds18 and ds15 began building a new chicken coop for the Brahmas that we bought a few weeks ago. I planned to build it in our small backyard but then I changed my mind, and decided they’ll need more room than we have there since we’re planning to expand the Brahma flock.
Our first three Brahma chicks hatched a few days ago – ds17 had been planning to incubate a new batch of eggs at the end of the week they arrived, so we stuck in the few eggs they had laid along with the rest. Now we have a batch of 70 new chicks. We’ll start incubating another batch of eggs probably this week, this time mostly Brahma eggs, and in all likelihood that will be the final batch of chicks that we’ll hatch out until next year.
They made great progress on the coop and it’s looking good. They needed more supplies and weren’t able to complete it, but in the next couple of days I’ll make a run to the hardware store to get what’s missing so they can finish it.
But before that, tomorrow I want to work on the kitchen, and take out the sinks, counter, base cabinets, detach the top of the island from the cabinet part, then cut down the stone counters and hopefully reassemble it all together. That’s the plan!
Sometimes I watch ds7 and think it would be fascinating to document what he does and the time he does each thing – he moves incessantly from one thing to another, never stopping. Often I can detach emotionally and find it interesting and even laugh about the endless damages, but sometimes I feel frustrated and even furious. Over a year ago I stopped counting when he reached 12,000 shekels of damage. I may have stopped counting but the damages continue.
Within a day of the foster care agency representatives coming, the wall that was scrubbed was rescribbled on. A couple of days later, he colored on a different wall with a marker.
He climbed up to the pergola and unscrewed and took down some of the cross boards. He picked up a permanent marker and began coloring on a wall painting – fortunately the marker was a bit dried and I stopped him before there was damage.
He regularly throws his nighttime pullup in the toilet; sometimes I see it before anything else happens but a couple of mornings ago someone else did their business on top of it and by 6:30 am I was unblocking a nasty mess. He tugs and pulls and rips and dissassembles everything he touches, unremittingly.
After three months of no visitation with the children’s bio parents, visitation resumed three weeks ago in a mediation center an hour away. Our time slot is 5:30, so we leave at 4:30 and get back at 7:30.
On the way there dd7 began playing with a card game I keep in the car. When I heard ds7 in the seat behind me laughing over it together with her, I took a moment to ask myself if I was okay with that, since the likelihood it would be ripped into small pieces was about one hundred percent. I decided it was okay, that if he ripped a few of the cards it wouldn’t ruin the game.
What I wasn’t prepared for was for him to find a decorative pin in a storage compartment of the car (that he isn’t allowed to go into and that he can’t access with a seat belt on) and use it to gouge deep scratches on the inside of the car window while we were driving. When I realized what he did (thanks to dd7 alerting me – “Mommy, ds is breaking the window and making lines on it!”) – I felt angry, really angry. I pulled over, looked at the window, and asked what he used to make the scratches – he claimed he didn’t do anything after quickly dropping the pin between the seats to conceal the evidence.
As soon as I asked him what happened, his jaw went slack and his mouth hung open with his tongue partially hanging out while his eyes glazed over at half mast. I realize he’s emotionally shutting down because he feels scared – I’m sure there’s a trauma term for this – but it’s not endearing. He regularly responds as if I’m terrorizing him and while I know he has deep fears that are triggered by what seems like minimal stimulus to an outsider, his response doesn’t inspire compassion.
I looked at him very steadily for what felt like a long minute. Then I told him when I see him break things on purpose it’s not a good feeling for me and that I felt angry. I asked him what do we do when we’re angry? Do we hit someone? No, he shook his head. Do we yell at someone? No, he shook his head.
“Right, I’m not going to hit you and I’m not going to yell at you, but right now I feel really angry about what you did.” I took the pin he used, put it away and we continued driving.
Often I’ll catch him doing something, and calmly help him get conscious about what he’s doing: “What are you doing? Do you think coloring on the wall is a good idea? Let’s think, where would be a good place to color?” And then I redirect him to a piece of paper. And that’s fine until ten minutes later when he’s doing something else like using a screwdriver or knife to gauge a hole in a wall or the couch. Or Shabbos morning using scissors to cut the window screen and then ripping it wide open. (We’ve already replaced the screen on the screen door twice due to his gouging.) Or Shabbos afternoon pouring cement powder down into the new sewage lines.
As we drove I asked myself why I felt so upset in the moment about the scratches to the car window. I have patience most of the time, but sometimes the constant breakage and damage is so frustrating and I don’t feel a shred of tolerance left in that moment. I don’t expect a home with children to look perfect and mine certainly doesn’t! – but I’ve never experienced anything like this. The therapist said he’s like an infant in a big body, but I told her she’s wrong – an infant learns after a few reminders not to do it again. Even with all of the oversight and reminders, after almost two years he continues to do these things. It’s not as bad as it was in the early months but it’s still quite a lot.
He regularly smuggles house tools and knives out of the house and if I come upon him in the process I can tell just from the look on his face that he’s trying to conceal something from me.
At the meeting a couple of weeks ago one of the supervisors mentioned he has a disorganized attachment style. The moment she said that, it made perfect sense to me and it reminded me that I suspected it from the first time I heard his description, but I also had a feeling of, ‘Oh, no, not that!’ to have it be official. The disorganized attachment style is the most difficult to live with and is associated with the worst outcomes. The bigger surprise was that that despite knowing about the different unhealthy attachment styles, I never consciously identified the attachment styles of the twins.
I’ve always assumed ds does these actions without thinking, having almost no impulse control, but I’m increasingly wondering if it’s an unconscious self-sabotaging strategy to keep people from getting too close to him or liking him. I’m going to be meeting with someone to discuss it, because I feel like there’s more to what is going on than what I’m seeing. I wonder if maybe I have to do some deep healing of my inner child or something like that to move beyond my current emotional capacity because I’m not used to feeling this kind of anger and it really bothers me.
At the same time, I don’t want to shame myself for getting upset, because it’s challenging (I didn’t mention all of his other behaviors that are going on at the same time) and sometimes I wonder how anyone can be expected to stay calm all the time in the face of all that.
