Tonight I got a call from a parent of my eight year old son’s class. She was tasked with calling all the parents to collect the money for Purim gift baskets for the teachers.

There was an evening event for mothers last week, and no one mentioned the class gift so I assumed that this year I’d make my own gift baskets for the teachers. By the time I got the call, I had completed my order for everything I needed and it was too late to cancel my order.

However, I always participate with the class gifts, even though they are for the morning and afternoon staff, and my son is only present for the mornings. So I asked how much it would be.

“250 shekels”, she said.

I got a call the day before about contributing to the class baskets for ds12’s same size class in the same school, and you know how much it was? 100 shekels. Totally fine.

I told her that 250 shekels is way too much. I feel responsible in part for these spiraling prices because until a year ago, they were asking 150 shekels from each parent. At the mother’s evening last year they were hesitating about the price, and asked me and the other woman I was with if they should charge 150 or 200. The woman next to me said ‘200’ and I agreed it was fine with me. We were the first people asked and if we had said it was too much, it would have been adjusted accordingly.

In the moment I felt it was okay because I had the money and it didn’t cause me financial strain. But it caused the bar to be raised, and it’s likely it caused others to feel pressured. When they collected for the end of the year gifts and said they wanted 200 shekels from each family, I told them that I was wrong to agree earlier in the year to a higher price and they needed to hold the bar at 150 shekels.

Well, obviously that didn’t happen and the bar was raised again.

I very clearly expressed why I won’t contribute: it’s too much money and it puts pressure on parents and there has to be a limit. The person calling agreed with me completely and said she wished that I had been one of the first to be asked this year instead of the last, that if someone else had said this earlier on then the price would have been lowered. (Don’t think that everyone will send in the money – they won’t, they will act as if it’s fine with them and then not pay.)

I like to participate with group efforts and of course no one wants to look like they’re being cheap. In this case I’m not worried about how people look at me – for years I’ve consistently contributed willingly and promptly. I genuinely feel like someone has to put their foot down and I’m willing to be that person.

What will I send to the teachers instead? I’ve bought gold metal baskets and will include in each a large bottle of natural grape juice, a family size bag of hamantaschen and some fruit. I may add a can of tuna or some other canned good. I’ll wrap it nicely in cellophane and ribbons, and it will look lovely.

It’s a beautiful thing to be generous but it’s easy to be swayed by your concern of what people will think of you. It’s so easy to go beyond your limits when it comes to gift giving because of how you want to be perceived. Be honest with yourself: does it feel good to you, or do you feel you’re overly stretching yourself? Does it give you joy and are you giving in a whole hearted way, or do you feel like you have to even though you’d rather not and it’s too much for you?

Learning to be honest with yourself and respect your needs and limitations is a really important ability to develop. See requests such as these as opportunities to be respectful and loving of yourself, rather than putting the wants of others before yourself.

Avivah

How do you motivate yourself to do something that feels hard?

You’ve got to have a goal. Without a goal, there’s no fire lit under you. You have no ‘why’ to inspire you to take action when life is already full and there are so many things that need your time and attention.

>> I have a lot of things on the “save money” to do list… more like things I can do to save money (such as hanging laundry instead of putting in the dryer & baking cookies for my kids instead of buying store bought). I am currently lacking the drive & inspiration. <<

A year ago I shared my goal to pay off our mortgage early. It was very ambitious – it felt like a fantasy when I set it. It wasn’t realistic to put aside the amount per month that I based my goal on. Not at all realistic. But it gave me so much motivation and I kept finding more and more ways to save money and put the extra onto the mortgage, even though I never hit my unrealistic target number for the amount I wanted to save each month.

As I watched the mortgage principal melting away, it was a thrill of its own. I chose to shorten the length of the loan rather than have a smaller monthly payment, and each time I paid a portion of the principal off, I saw the loan length drop. It made me want to throw every extra shekel at the mortgage, and I did.

Our mortgage was split into two parts; the first part is miraculously now paid off completely. I can tell you most definitely that if I hadn’t set that goal, it would be years from being paid off.

My original intention was to pay off the entire mortgage (ie both parts), but when the first part was paid I paused. I wanted to consider if that was still the best thing for us to do. I spent a lot of time thinking about if instead of prepaying the mortgage, perhaps it would be better to use the money for something else that could be an asset for retirement.

I’ve finally decided that having a paid for home is also preparation for retirement, and have reset my goal of paying off our mortgage completely. This has given me a financial shot of adrenaline as a result of the clarity that it gives me.

Will I hit my target goal? We’ll see. It will take a lot of determination and focus, and it will mean putting other things that I’d like to spend on to the side – like renovations – I really don’t want to wait until the mortgage is paid off. But my goal is what gives me the motivation to track my expenses, budget and spend carefully, hang laundry and cook from scratch. I’m doing all of those things to achieve a goal that matters to me, and none of it feels hard. It’s the opposite of hard – it’s energizing.

Why does this motivate me so much? At this stage of my life, what’s more important to me than more money, is more time.

Paying off the mortgage shaves away years of payments and thinking about not having a monthly payment gives me a sense of freedom, flexibility and increased time.

That’s my why.

Now, sit down and write down what you want your life to look like. Brainstorm alone, or together with your spouse. (I recommend setting a shared financial goal if you’re married.) What is really important to you? Why is it important? What do you want instead? What would that look and feel like?

Clarifying and setting your personalized goal is what will give you the incentive to change your habits and do something unfamiliar or uncomfortable.

Avivah

Years ago, I saw this message on the propane pump when I was filling up my car.

Here’s a close up of the notice.

I noticed it and casually wondered what it was about but didn’t take down the number.

I use this gas station regularly and a year or two after seeing this message, finally saved the number to my phone.

I didn’t call. After all, how much of a savings could it really be? They probably wanted to sell me something, and wanted to hook me by signing up for a puny discount on gas.

A year or two ago, I asked someone at the pump next to mine filling up at the cheaper price how he got that price. He told me he signed up and saves a half a shekel a liter. I resolved to call to ask for details.

I didn’t. More excuses – I didn’t want to set up a direct deposit to a gas station, I wouldn’t be able to track my spending, maybe they would compromise my bank details. Maybe it was a scam.

There was procrastination and then forgetfulness, forgetting to write into my planner to make the call. (What I write down gets done, what I don’t…well, it might get done eventually – or not).

Did I mention I’ve been using this gas station and seeing this message several times a month for years? That was a lot of potential reminders but I didn’t act on any of them.

Almost five years later, being inspired to keep my savings rate stable even as prices are going up and seeking options to do that, I finally called.

The person who answered told me there were two ways to get the discount and it sounded like both of them entailed setting up a direct monthly payment. She told me next time I was in the area to come into the office, fill out some forms and I would be signed up.

One day soon after I went to the office and told them I was there about the discount for propane. She asked me, “Do you want to set up a direct monthly payment or would you prefer a discount card?”

A card sounded better to me, but how would that work – wouldn’t I need to sign up to get it?

“You don’t need to sign up for anything. Take the card, insert it in the machine and it will set the price to the discounted rate, and then pay with your credit card like usual.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, that’s it.” She handed me a discount card, and within two minutes I was in and out of the office. So incredibly easy and fast.

This is one of two gas stations that I regularly use – I don’t want to think of how much money I could have saved in the last five years if I had just picked up the phone and asked a question when I first saw the notice.

We all sometimes make excuses and tell ourselves stories, rather than getting information and taking action. Is there anything you’ve been postponing dealing with that might save you money?

Avivah

I was speaking with someone about finances a few months ago and mentioned that I’ve kept our expenses pretty stable as our income has gone up. He told me I should relax and enjoy my life more.

That was a strange thing for me to hear and it didn’t resonate in the slightest. I’ve chosen a material standard that I’m comfortable with. I have a spacious home that allows me to host my married children comfortably. I have a car that runs well. I have plenty of food and clothing for my family. My bills are paid.

If there’s something I want, I get it. But I don’t have a lot of wants. We’ve created a life that I don’t want or need to take a vacation from, and I feel abundant with all aspects of my life. I’m not living in lack or denying myself by spending our money intentionally.

This person was expressing the position that if you make more, you should upgrade your life accordingly. This is what is called lifestyle creep, and why so many people will never get ahead. As they earn more, they feel they deserve a nicer car, a bigger home, more exotic vacations and eating out multiple times a month. They can have more, so they feel they should – and they upgrade accordingly.

They’re earning more, perhaps even substantially more, but they aren’t saving or investing significantly more. Lifestyle creep will cause someone to continue living paycheck to paycheck, regardless of how much money he earns.

Money management skills fall into two broad categories- earning money and managing what you have (spending/saving/investing). My personal definition of frugality is intentional spending. Intentional spending is an inherent part of managing your money, and why frugality skills are valuable to learn.

If someone has a low income and is frugal, he will maximize what he has and can meet his needs even when the numbers are tight. If he doesn’t, he’ll be in debt and live hand to mouth forever.

We easily could have been poor and gone into debt with our income level. When we had around seven children, the accountant preparing our taxes said although he worked in the Orthodox Jewish community, he wasn’t accustomed to seeing numbers like ours. While I experienced our income as comfortable, he couldn’t understand how it was possible that not only weren’t we in debt, but we had savings. He was intrigued and impressed when I explained It was about making choices as to how we spent our money.

Since I’ve been blogging for eighteen years, the choices we made aren’t a secret – I’ve shared a lot about that.

If a person has a higher salary and is careful about his money, he’ll manage well with more just as he managed with less. Someone who isn’t intentional with his spending and engages in lifestyle creep will often have lots of expensive toys but a minimum of savings and investments- and many times he’s in debt. I used to be shocked by high earners who have little in investments and are debt leveraged up to their eyeballs, but not anymore.

Learning to mange lifestyle creep is critical to getting ahead with your finances.

I am convinced that how we spend money isn’t exclusively about what our expenses are, but a deep reflection of our values and how we define our worth.

Why do we engage in lifestyle creep? What are we telling ourselves when we decide to upgrade? Do we see ourselves as more successful or worthy people when we can buy or acquire more?

To be clear, I have no bone to pick about upgrading your life and am not suggesting that no one should ever have nicer things when they have the financial capacity for it. I strongly believe that everyone should spend his money in the way that brings him the most value. There are things I can now afford to do that I couldn’t do in the past, like pay for private speech therapy for my sons with special needs, and I’m so grateful I can do it.

I am advocating for intentionality and thoughtfulness about raising your level of spending. Learning to be content with what you already have and saying ‘no’ to lifestyle creep will be a big boost to your finances.

Avivah