She can’t handle when I’m not there

Foster Care

At the end of the week I attended my oldest granddaughter’s siddur party in Beit Shemesh. It was an impressive production. I had attended my daughter’s siddur party here in the north just two weeks earlier and I expected something similar, and it was interesting to notice the differences. I wonder if there’s more of a need to ‘wow’ people near the center of the country.

I’ve traveled a couple of times in the last year to the center of the country for the day – each time I got the kids ready for school and put them on their school bus. To prepare them I told them in advance that I’d be going to Jerusalem/Beit Shemesh, that I’d be home at night, and that my husband would put them to bed. He almost always put the boys to bed, and sometimes dd7 requests he put her to bed instead of me, so that’s not uncommon. He works from home most days of the week so he’s actively involved in their day to day lives.

The first time I made this trip, I got home around 8 pm and found my daughter crying that her ears hurt. My husband told me she had been crying and inconsolable for almost two hours. He had given her ear drops and a hot water bottle, but nothing was helping.

I asked her if she wanted to lay on the bed while I sat next to her doing some computer work, and she agreed. She stopped crying, fell asleep almost instantly and stayed asleep the entire night. She had no ear pain when she woke up in the morning.

After she went to school, I commented to my husband that she must have been worn out by the pain and crying to have stopped crying so quickly. He said he had a strong suspicion that her ear wasn’t hurting, that what was really happening is she was having a hard time coping emotionally with my absence.

The next time I came back from my long day, I found out she had been complaining nonstop at bedtime about some other pain.

Last week we had a meeting with her play therapist, and I mentioned that every single night since the twins came twenty two months ago, she wakes up and opens the door to our bedroom to check that we’re there, usually around 4 – 5 am. If it’s closer to 4, she looks in for a long moment, then closes the door and goes back to bed. If it’s about 5, she comes to me to get a hug and kiss and with some reluctance goes back to bed. (In the earlier months she came more than once a night and needed physical reassurance each time. The door had to be constantly open or she got hysterical, but for many months now she’s been able to close the door behind herself so there’s been tremendous progress.)

Ds7 comes to check in the night as well, but not every single night and he never comes in, just looks to make sure we’re there.

I shared with the therapist about what happened the last two times I wasn’t there for bedtime, and told her our speculation that she can’t handle me not physically being in the house when she goes to sleep, and was wondering about what to do when I traveled for the party. She agreed that was the likely cause and suggested that I call dd before bedtime. That’s what I did, and she went to sleep fine.

Going back to the party – I turned off my phone before I went into the building, and didn’t look at it until I came out two and a half hours later. When I did, I saw two missed calls from my daughter’s teacher and another missed call from the school advisor. They never call me during the school day. I called the teacher back but by then it was after the school day was over, and the teacher didn’t answer. I wondered about why I had gotten all of those calls, and I found out the next morning.

When dd was getting dressed, she talked about having spoken with me the night before on the phone. Then she told me she had asked her teacher to call me from school the day before, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t speak to the teacher so I don’t know what happened exactly, but I suspect dd didn’t just want to talk to me. I think it’s likely she was complaining something was intensely hurting her.

All of this is a reminder to us that as much as the twins have had significant progress, dd’s emotional security is heavily dependent on my presence and she can’t yet cope if she thinks I won’t be here, even if I’ve prepared her in advance. It’s important for us to remember and respect that there are deep traumas and fears that don’t go away even after a long time in a safe environment.

From when I first heard of the engagement of my daughter-in-law’s brother, I’ve been planning to attend the wedding in Jerusalem. The wedding was last night, but coming on the heels of being away for the siddur party, we realized my absence at the wedding last night would be too much for dd to handle. I thought about leaving after putting her to bed but wouldn’t get to the wedding until 9 pm and then would still have the long drive home. In the end, I didn’t go.

Avivah

Kitchen renovation -Opening up the space even more

Homemaking, Intentional Spending

Here’s where we were up to in my last post – the kitchen island was taken out, the wall units were dissembled and moved, the tile backsplash for the stove was taken down, and the small wall and doorway to the stairs was removed entirely.

My teens told me that the drywall was badly damaged when taking down the tile wall, and I told them it’s not a big deal, we’ll replace it. They had a different suggestion – why not take down the entire wall closing in the staircase?

I had to pause to think about that. One advantage of having the door and the walls there is it makes it much easier to heat and cool the main living area. If it’s wide open to the second floor, that’s going to be much more challenging (read: expensive).

The door and wall made the two floors of our house more separate from one another, and provides our guests with a lot of privacy when they come to visit. We sometimes host guests of others for sleeping and the guests appreciate how much privacy they have, with a separate entrance to a completely separate apartment. But with the door already gone, the privacy and separation our guests had was already diminished.

Taking down the wall wouldn’t give us any additional space. The only thing it would do is make our living area feel more spacious.

Some people like cozy little spaces. I don’t.

I love, love, love open space. I don’t like to feel crowded. A friend visited a couple of years ago and commented that ever since she knows me (about twenty years), I’m always finding ways to maximize our space and make it more open. I had never been conscious of how consistent I’ve been about that.

Interestingly, since taking down the little wall that was behind our kitchen sinks, it’s much easier for me to keep the dishes washed. It wasn’t until that wall was down that I realized I had reluctance to stand in an area that felt constricting for me to wash the dishes and would therefore put it off.

Here’s a view of the stairs and the wall in question.


Having a feeling of more space was a gain for me – I gave the go ahead to take the wall down!

My boys were delighted. There’s a feeling of accomplishment that’s different than doing a little repair or hanging a picture when there’s a big project like completely rehauling the kitchen.

Assessing what needs to be done to release the top of the wall

The bottom of the wall separated readily but the top wasn’t coming down so easily!

Teen boys need a lot of physical activity and challenge. During their last vacation, our three teens organized a two day bike trip around the perimeter of the Kinneret/Sea of Galillee with a few friends, and I was very supportive of a trip like this. Teens need meaningful activity and challenge; they get bored and into trouble when they don’t have it.

“One, two, three, push!”

I left them figuring out what to do to get the wall down while I ran a couple of errands. When I came back, the wall was gone, the rubble was removed and the floor was swept. And they felt very accomplished!

View from one side
View from the other side

I am so happy with how this changes our space. Most of the year I keep my front door open to allow light and air in, but I’m now keeping the side door open instead. I have a nice view of our yard, great airflow and it feels much more spacious.

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Now that the wall is down we have another project. As nice and open as it now is, we can’t have a staircase with no railing! So ‘install staircase railing’ has gone onto the to do list.

I found a railing that I wanted on Yad2, a second hand site, but it was in a location I wasn’t comfortable driving alone to. And it was a huge heavy piece of railing that even with help I was afraid I couldn’t load onto my car. And once it was on, I was concerned about getting it securely lashed down. And then once it was tied down, I was worried about driving with it.

I don’t usually worry much about getting things done but once I had found and called about it, all of the other parts of it were outside of my comfort zone.

Bless my husband, who agreed to leave at 4:15 in the morning to drive there and get it, and then come back home and get to work.

So the first big part of the railing project is done – buying the railing. The next step will be installing it, and metal work unfortunately isn’t something the Werner family knows how to do. We asked the person doing the plumbing if he can help us get this done and he agreed. He said he’ll try to do it on Friday morning, when a friend of his who is a metal worker is available to help him.

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The new gas line has been laid and the stove moved from next to the staircase to its new location, and we were able to move the loveseat into the area that will be our new living room.

Here’s what it looked like before
Here’s what it looks like now. In addition to putting up a railing, we need to reorganize the under the staircase storage and move the shelving that’s still there.

Here’s the stove in its new location, in what used to be our living room. The island next to it is temporary; there will be a long counter with a sink in it once we’re done. It’s nice to have the stove piece finished. Right now we’re keeping the curtains tied back so there’s no fire hazard; I’m going to replace them with blinds but that’s still on the list.


Yesterday afternoon the plumber began digging and drilling to put in new outlet points for the sink drainage to the main sewage line. Each of the two kitchen sinks will need their own lines. The sewage line for the first sink is finished.

Tomorrow I’ll be going to Beit Shemesh to attend the siddur party for my oldest granddaughter. I got notice this afternoon that ds7 will not be allowed on the school bus tomorrow and will have to stay home. Usually I don’t mind – he’s not hard to have around when it’s just the two of us – but tomorrow I won’t be here. I was feeling stressed trying to figure out what to do. I didn’t tell my granddaughter I’m coming, but I’ve had it on my calendar for weeks since she first told me about it and it’s a priority for me.

My husband can’t work and supervise ds7 (he needs constant supervision, it’s almost unbelievable how much he gets into and how quickly it happens). Our original plan was that he would take over for me at 2 pm when ds12 and ds8 got home – he can set them up with an educational video while he works. (Between the drive there, the party and then the drive back, that’s most of my day.) Then at 3 the twins come and at that point he would be fully available and take off of work.

Knowing how important it is to me to go to this party, he’s going to take the entire day off of work.

The electrician said if it rains he’ll come tomorrow and do some work for us. I’m the one taking care of the this project so I’d really rather be here when he’s doing the work, but I’ll leave detailed instructions for my husband in case the electrician shows up – it’s hard to get him here, and once he’s here I want him to be able to make progress! I have one place where if he can move a light switch, it will enable us to reassemble and attach all of the wall units so if he has even a small amount of time and can do that, it would help us move forward with putting things in order.

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I’ve had a question come up about my plans for the countertops. It turns out I need a small piece less than a meter long to cover a blind corner (the one to the left of the stove above). I contacted the business I bought the countertops from and he no longer does the cutting and installation. He does have the design that we bought so we can buy another piece, but we need to have a different company cut it to size and install the sink in the island countertop for the opposite wall. This has thrown a wrench into my plans.

I went to see the other company today to get a quote for the work and it’s going to be much more costly than I expected. That leaves me with a dilemma. It would be great if laminate countertops were an easily available option in Israel, but they’re not since stone countertops are the norm. I don’t want to spend this amount of money adding on to used countertops; the purpose of using the countertops was to keep costs down. Now we’re considering if we would be better off spending more and getting new countertops put in. Well, I’m considering it – my husband thinks stone countertops are a rip off.

Whether I add on to the current countertops or get new ones, the factory that cuts them won’t be able to have them ready until a few days before Pesach. I can find a way to work with that, but it delays finishing the kitchen well beyond my latest projected target date.

Avivah

My new project – kitchen renovation

Homemaking, Intentional Spending, Parenting

Over five years ago we were house hunting, and one thing that struck me as not making sense about the house we ended up buying when we saw it was the location of the kitchen. I couldn’t figure out why in the world the builder had made it the room you entered into when you open the front door.

I decided we would swap the kitchen and living room locations. (I later saw the floor plans and it was supposed to built in the area we wanted to move it to – apparently the contractor took a shortcut and placed it where he did because it was easier.) We intended to do these renovations before we moved in.

But then covid happened, and that changed all of my plans. We moved from Ramat Beit Shemesh extremely abruptly, arriving on the first day of the most draconian lockdown that Israel was to experience. Instead of the freshly renovated home we had planned to move into, we moved into a home in need of a lot of work. We got busy working on that as soon as we got here. However, it then became complicated to do a kitchen renovation of the scale that I previously planned while we were living there.

Additionally, it was a time of extreme physical isolation and getting workers to do the work we weren’t qualified to do was difficult. When I had the gas line moved, we all had to vacate the house so the worker could do the work – he said that was the covid guideline that he had to work under.

That was work that took less than an hour, but we couldn’t stand outside for hours a day, for days on end, in order to have new plumbing laid and new flooring put down. Additionally, one wall in the adjoining room where I wanted to move it to is asymetrically curved, and I was having a hard time figuring out how to use it well. Taking into account the reality and constraints of the world at the time, we decided to keep it simple, and put in and extend the kitchen in the area where it was already located.

This was the fifth of the kitchens that we’ve renovated and it was the hardest to figure out the design for because of the awkward space we had to work with, but it’s been a very functional kitchen and served us well. But I’ve never been able to make my peace with people entering our home directly into the kitchen, especially since our kitchen is very heavily used. There’s always some kind of cooking or eating or project going on, so there’s always some kind of activity in progress. It never looks like a still life photo for more than ten minutes at the very most, and you know the likelihood of visitors coming in during those ten minutes, right?

I’ve finally decided to do something about the ongoing discomfort I feel about this set up. I’ve gone back and forth about how to renovate – once we’re doing the work, it would be nice to change the cabinet color and style (what we got was also a covid decision) to something that is more my preference. But I have a financial goal of paying down my mortgage and a major renovation would definitely set that back.

My reasons for doing this renovation are two fold: having a more private kitchen and opening up the floor space so there’s more room for hosting. When I reminded myself what my priorities were, I realized I can achieve what is most important to me and keep my costs reined in pretty tightly.

The way I’m going to make the numbers work is to use the existing kitchen cabinets and countertops. Everything will have to be reconfigured to fit a very different space. Right now I have one double sink; the new kitchen will have two separate sinks on opposite walls. I’ll use the current double sink and attached countertop on one wall, and I’ll have the large island countertop refabricated with a sink installed in it for the opposite wall. There will be costs for plumbing, electricity and having the existing counters custom cut, but that will be much less than a new kitchen.

A week ago I spent a morning doing renovation preliminary work: arranging for the electrician, plumber and gas installer to come. Then I moved the fridge, freezer, island and couches. It was gratifying to see some movement in the direction I want to go.

A few hours later, I got the call from the social worker letting me know they were having the meeting at our home a couple of days later, and with some frustration about all the time and effort I had wasted, moved everything back in place and cancelled all of the workmen. I didn’t want the foster care agency representatives to come for a visit in the middle of a big renovation.

Fortunately with another week comes another beginning….:)

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This morning my seventeen year old son and I moved the appliances, island and couches. He’s rarely around and it was nice to work with him.

By the time I thought of taking a ‘before’ picture, the counters were covered with things that we had pulled out, the fridge and freezer had been moved to their new location, and the cabinets were beginning to be dissembled – and there was no way I was going to undo all that we did just to take a neat picture even though it pains me to show my kitchen looking like this. Mess happens when you take a kitchen apart, and I really wanted to share our starting place as I document what we’re doing.

The fridge and freezer were against the wall on the far side of the island, where the couch is now

Once we got started, it changed very fast!

Since it was Shushan Purim, all of the younger kids were home from school. It’s really not ideal to start a project like this with young children who get into everything, but my seventeen year old is rarely home with time to help out with something like this and I wanted to make the most of the opportunity.

Ds17 put ds12 to work as his assistant and he was helpful doing real work, not the kind of fake jobs you give to kids to make them feel like they’re helping.

The island was moved, next job was to take apart the wall units

My fifteen year son came home while the wall units were being dissembled, and he got to work with us, taking down the tile backsplash behind the stove. It’s so enjoyable to work together as a team – there’s an energy that’s really different from each person doing their jobs separately.

Ds15 told me it was a little sad for him to remove all of the tile, remembering all the work they put into tiling the kitchen.

Backsplash and wall units are gone

Once that was done, the teens both wanted to take down the small wall behind the section of the kitchen that has the sink. It’s an annoying little wall but necessary to have a private side entrance to our home that leads directly to our second floor, which used to be a vacation rental apartment. We decided to get rid of the private entrance so we could open up the space more, so ds15 took down that door, door frame and wall.

Ds15 taking down door frame

The wall is down!

I mentioned that the younger kids were home, didn’t I? They were very interested in all the changes being made.

They continually found ways to actively participate!

Can you see below how removing that wall made it feel more spacious? It also lets in so much light and air, and makes access to the side patio from the house more convenient.

After taking apart the little wall and looking at how damaged the wall was where the tile backsplash was, we were inspired to go even further in opening up our space. I’ll share more about that in my next post.

We’ve made wonderful progress today. The electrician will come tomorrow morning to see what needs to be done, and then I’ll schedule with him when to come. The plumber will start the work on Tuesday, and once the plumbing is done, I can put all the base cabinets in place, which has to be done before the countertop fabricators can come to measure for the recuts for the countertop.

My last kitchen renovation took just five days, which was super fast, but I don’t anticipate that this time around. Just the plumbing alone will take four days. My hope is to be finished by the end of next week, so that there will be time to get ready for Pesach without having renovations going on at the same time.

Avivah

A great meeting and update!

Foster Care

I’ve been a foster parent for over eight years and had monthly home visits by a social worker for all of these years. I’ve had additional walkthroughs with various social workers and officials since the twins came almost two years ago, and every single person has been very favorable – except the GAL.

There’s a tendency to say, ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s fire’, ie, if there’s a complaint, there must be a reason for that. I don’t want to defend myself from baseless claims from the GAL and when I mentioned the accusations against us in my post earlier this week, perhaps didn’t give a perspective and the might leave readers to think, ‘Maybe you think your house is clean and the kids are dressed appropriately but you don’t have a good sense of that, and these complaints are an indication of that’.

Yesterday we had three agency representatives come to visit. First they wanted to see our garden, and oohed and ahhed over how nice it is, while appreciating the goats and chickens. Then they went inside to see the bedrooms; they exclaimed over what a warm and appealing room our seven year daughter has. (This room has been the focus of the complaints; the last time the complaint was that she doesn’t have a desk to do her work at.)

I told them I’m going to show them everything because I don’t want to later have someone claim that they didn’t see something. I started by opening dd7’s drawer, and showed all of her folded clothes. Then I opened the closet door to show her dresses hanging there, then opened another closet door to show her seasonal clothing, and pulled out the large wheeled box under the bed that has all of the younger kids shoes, then the box next to it that has their boots.

I showed them where the toys are, then pointed out the boxes on top of the closet are the clothing and shoes for the upcoming season.

Then we went into the boys room and I did the same, showing the toys in storage boxes under the beds, the hanging clothing and toys in the cabinet, and even where the sheets and towels are stacked.

They were very pleased with everything, and told me my house already looks ready for Pesach. When their supervisor Zoomed in with us, the other supervisor told her that they had seen everything and everything is extremely orderly and pleasant. They even commented on how delicious the house smells. 🙂 (My son had finished baking muffins for his mishloach manos an hour before.)

This is how my house has looked every single time anyone has come. There’s nothing different I did that I hadn’t done before. Actually, this time I didn’t clean the walls the night before (last time they came when they had been freshly painted), because I really wanted to prepare mishloach manos to give to all of the teachers, school bus drivers and attendants, and school guard. The tradeoff of having cleaner walls but not being able to give to these people wasn’t something I was willing to do. It would have been compromising Purim preparations for the sake of this meeting.

I felt very calm and at peace in the two days before the meeting. Prior to that I was preoccupied thinking about the kids possibly being moved and the ramifications of that on ds8, but once I mentally accepted it might happen, I didn’t feel worried anymore.

My husband also spoke to a lawyer the morning before, and one of my married sons spoke to an advocate, so I felt we had people to help us if it came to that.

After the tour of our home, we sat down outside to talk. The head supervisor told me that they think we are the ideal family for the children. Their reason for coming is to first of all, be able to tell the court they were there, and secondly, to sit down with us and tell us they want us to know we have their full support.

They are concerned that all of these complaints are causing us stress and taking away the energy we need to parent the children (she’s right about that!). While they’ve told us what’s happening behind the scenes to be transparent with us, they don’t want us to be pressured and they will take care of everything in court. The judge may want to meet us at a later point, and they would be very glad for her to do so, since “in one minute she’ll see what kind of amazing parents you are”.

They said there’s absolutely no concern about the kids being removed or us being charged with anything, and all of them understand the claims against us are baseless. They want us to mentally put the GAL and all of her claims to the side, and keep our headspace for the kids.

It was really nice feedback for my husband and I, and very reassuring. It really took a load off of our minds and we are so grateful. Just in time to celebrate Purim!

Avivah

Don’t wait for the crowd – Pesach clothing shopping now

Intentional Spending, Pesach

Last week I took my fifteen year old son shopping for a suit for Pesach.

On the way there, we unexpectedly found traffic had come to almost a standstill. Soon we saw what the delay was.

I appreciated the entertaining sights on the way!

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For us, Pesach is the most expensive holiday of the year; last year I spent 5000 shekels on food and 5000 shekels on clothing. For you it might be a different time of year that you have a lot of extra expenses, so you can apply this idea to your personal circumstances.

What I do to be prepared for the clothing expenses for the holiday is to set up in advance a reserve fund (some people call them sinking funds but I dislike that terminology). What that means is for the months before Pesach, I set aside money in that fund until I have the full amount that I’ve budgeted for Pesach clothing shopping.

Having a reserve fund eliminates the burden of huge clothing expenditures in one month, and by the time I’m ready to do my shopping, the money is waiting in the account. This makes it feel like shopping for free!

Really, it takes away all the financial pressure that a person might feel when they need to come up with so much money in a short time period, to have the money already budgeted and set aside.

Last year I did my suit shopping through Mishnat Yosef; you could purchase a coupon for around 650 shekels (I don’t remember the exact price), to be redeemed for a suit up to 1190 shekels in a given store. If you wanted a more expensive suit – and all of my boys didn’t find what they wanted in the lower price range – then you could add on in fifty shekel increments for every hundred shekels the price increased. We got nice suits but we spent more than we would have with the local seller that we’ve bought from in the past, and I regretted not buying from him because I felt concerned when I realized how much business he must be losing to customers buying via Mishnat Yosef.

I told my boys that this year first we’d look to buy from the private store owner, and only if they couldn’t find what they wanted we’d look elsewhere. My eighteen year old commented that the suits we bought last year were higher quality since they were fifty percent wool (instead of rayon/poly/viscose blends), which was good feedback since I hadn’t paid much attention to what their suits were made of when I bought them. If it fit them well, looked good and the price was fair, I bought it.

We asked the store owner if he had suits that were fifty percent wool, but he didn’t. He did have 97 percent wool, though, which was even better! When he showed it to us, it turned out to be the same style suit that I bought for my 22 year old son for his wedding in September, but there were several different colors and styles and we found something really nice for my fifteen year old son.

We checked the available suits at the stores that the Mishnat Yosef vouchers are for to see what their selection was, and my son didn’t find any suits he liked as much as the one from the private seller. The suit vouchers this year are 680 shekels, plus another fifty shekels to add on to the next level up, so we would have spent 730 if we bought from them.

This seller’s prices are good, so we got a much better quality suit than buying through Mishnat Yosef. We spent only another 120 shekels for a higher quality suit from the private seller, and had the extra bonus of buying with my conscience and supporting a small business owner. I expect my son to get much more wear out of this suit, too.

The store owner asked me if I was buying the suit for an occasion so I explained that I’m buying for Pesach, since I don’t like to wait until close to the holidays. When I stepped out to take a call, the store owner told my son how smart his mother is to be shopping for Pesach now.

I bought a suit voucher from Mishnat Yosef for my son learning in Beitar, since I was able to give him my customer number and he can buy his suit at the store branch located there before he comes home for spring break. I asked him to buy it before Purim but I don’t know if he did it yet, and honestly, it’s for him so he can buy it when he wants. That leaves just my husband and my seventeen year old, who were going to go last week to the Tiberias store but something came up, so they’ll go next week instead.

I bought clothing and shoes for all of the younger kids about six weeks ago, as well as Shabbos shoes for a couple of the teens so they’re set. For myself, I’m not much of a shopper and have things I’m content to keep wearing from last year. If I find something, there’s money in the clothing reserve fund for it but it’s likely I won’t since I don’t plan on looking, in which case I’ll roll whatever money is left in the fund into something else – maybe it will go towards a suit for my twelve year old for his bar mitzva this summer.

Avivah

A disturbing phone call

Foster Care

I got a call from our social worker notifying me that she wants to set up a meeting with me and some other professionals. I was expecting her to call since I had a meeting with the therapist for help with the school situation with our seven year old son (that’s a topic for another post), and we agreed we’d set up a meeting with his principal, play therapist, social worker, this therapist and me, to jointly figure out a plan how to get him the support he needs.

But the social worker’s tone felt a bit urgent, so I asked her who was initiating this meeting. She clarified that it has nothing to do with school, that it’s going to be meeting with the head of the foster care agency along with her, her supervisor and maybe a couple of other people. This is not at all what I was expecting. Okay, I’ll come but why do you want to have a meeting?

Remember the guardian ad litem for the twins? I’ve never shared with you what has transpired and I still can’t. She hasn’t been pleasant to us, to put it mildly. The hope of the foster agency was that with time the GAL would see all the positive reports, see the dramatic improvement in the emotional state of the children and be appeased. We haven’t heard much since she was here for the home visit months ago and everyone assumed she was relaxing a bit.

It turns out she hasn’t been relaxing at all. She’s filed complaints with the court and now the court has sent that report to the foster care agency. I asked what the complaints about us are because I can’t think of anything. The social worker said that it’s very possible the GAL is lying/minimizing/exaggerating whatever she is reporting, but said the neglected appearance/hygiene of the children and our living conditions is a primary issue. She said they’ll go over in detail in our meeting what she’s saying.

I can’t even muster up anger about the absurdity of these claims. I am so done with defending myself from specious claims.

I asked if there are any reports from people who actually see the children documenting a problem with their appearance? It doesn’t seem so. It’s only been the parents who have complained in the past. They did the same thing to the past foster parents and it’s a typical thing that bio parents do so it should be understood in that context.

However, the children haven’t seen their parents for the last three months due to bureaucratic inefficiencies, so their parents can’t be complaining about how they look. Where could these complaints come from?

I asked the social worker what the GAL’s intention is, because we are we are and she is who she is, so nothing is going to be better than it is now. Does she want to take the kids away?

“No, she hasn’t outright said that.”

Well, to me it seems simple. If she doesn’t want them to stay with us, then they have to be removed to a different home or institution. There are no other options.

The meeting is late Wednesday afternoon. It was supposed to be at the foster care agency’s office, but then I was notified it would be at our home and the kids need to be there. Great, another walkthrough of our home, while trying to keep the oversugared twins calm after they get back from their school Purim parties while speaking to all of these people in a focused way. (My husband will take off from work to supervise the kids, which he did for the last home visit, too, and it was still very challenging.)

I wish it was next week since my schedule is packed this week and I don’t have much discretionary time but I’ll try to find some time to do some extra organizing in case they ask to open all the drawers and cabinets, as was done in the past.

My husband and I are having a conversation if continuing fostering these children is the right thing to do. The kids are very challenging, and though they are the best behaved around me, it’s not a walk in the part. It’s constant and draining and exhausting, and it takes so much time and energy. We’re willing to put in that time and treat them with the same love and care we give all of our children, and we do, but I am so weary of all of this extra oversight and investigation. I feel unsafe about someone filing complaints in court against us, no matter what we do and regardless of how well the kids are doing. I don’t have endless emotional energy and every bit that goes in the direction of the technicalities takes energy that I need to parent all of our children.

The question isn’t about how much harassment we can tolerate, but if we’re endangering our family to continue. My biggest concern is ds8. If they make a claim that we aren’t fit foster parents, that doesn’t affect just the twins – it would affect ds8.

The safety of my other children has has been my line in the sand from the beginning – I’ll do everything I can for the twins, but I won’t put my other children at risk.

This is very hard for me to contemplate. I feel our family is the only thing standing between the twins and a system that doesn’t prioritize their best interests. There’s no guarantee that they’ll grow up to be emotionally healthy if they stay with us, but I can sadly predict the chances go down to about zero if they leave – we’re their best hope. How can I give up on them?

I’m not making any decisions yet. My heart has been very heavy contemplating all of this. I put dd7 to bed and right before I left her room she told me, “You’re a lucky mommy!” “Yes, I am a lucky mommy, because I have such wonderful children. “

“And I’m a lucky girl!”

I swallowed the lump in my throat; she has no idea how fragile her place in our home is.

I’ll see what is said at the meeting, to learn more about what has been said to the court and how the agency wants to handle this situation. Hopefully it’s not as big a deal as it sounds right now; it’s possible we’ll hear what’s going on and it won’t be much of a concern after all. In any case, in a few days we’ll have a better idea of how to move forward.

Avivah

Our new Brahma chickens!

Micro Homesteading

When I went with my fifteen year old son to see the Brahma chickens, I didn’t take a crate to bring them back in, I didn’t have a plan for where to put them – I just went to look at them with the hope that would give me clarity about if I should get them or not.

I really enjoyed meeting the people selling the chickens and we chatted for almost an hour. I told them from the outset that I was only going to look at them and would go home and think about it because I didn’t want them to feel disappointed if I didn’t buy them on the spot.

When I spotted a chicken travel crate at the end of our conversation and they said I could use it, I spontaneously decided to bring the chickens home with us – one male and two females. I figured I’d put them in with our other chickens where there’s plenty of room and since they’re bigger than our chickens, none of the other chickens would bother them.

My son carried the crate into the coop, set it on the ground and opened it. We both stood there to watch what happened. The rooster hopped out and I laughingly said to my son that it looked like King Kong swaggering in and assessing the area. I didn’t realize how much bigger they were until they were next to my other chickens.

Then the females hopped out, and the three new chickens went to one side of the coop while my flock went to the other side. They all watched each other.

I observed that my alpha Plymouth Rock rooster was very alert. I figured they’d quickly establish the pecking order and one of them would agree to let the other be the boss of the coop. I had fifteen roosters together and it was pretty peaceful – they all accepted the authority of the head rooster. The beta roosters had minor squabbles between one another in the coop and when they were free ranging sometimes they would get a little more feisty asserting themselves once they were out of the clear dominion of the head rooster. But that’s it.

That’s not what happened this time.

They faced each other and lowered their heads, raising their hackles.

Then Plymouth flew at Brahma. I was concerned that being smaller he might get hurt and watched carefully so we could step in if necessary. It turned out that he was the better fighter, smaller and more agile.

They flew at one another again and again and after a few minutes it wasn’t subsiding. Brahma was panting heavily, blood was starting to flow from them both and I was afraid neither of them was going to give in so I had my son quickly separate them.

It was clear that all my mental machinations about if I should keep them separate or together had been unnecessary. There was no possibility of keeping them together. My son put the new chickens in our gated back yard as a temporary holding spot and gently washed off Brahma’s injuries while I gave them food and water. The roosters had pecked one another on their combs, which is where the bleeding was from, but because my son stepped in as quickly as he did, the injuries were minor.

I created a shady area for them, put a nesting box under a private corner and since I had to leave for the rest of the day, made a temporary roost for them for the night by placing our pool ladder under a covered area of the shed so they would feel protected. I assumed that being the big and heavy birds they were, they wouldn’t be able to fly over the six foot fence – according to what I read, they don’t fly higher than 3 – 4 feet.

I came back hours later with my daughter from her school party, and I saw a large shape sitting on top of our grill opposite the entrance to our yard. It was Brahma. The gate to the backyard was still closed and the only way out was over. So much for being too heavy to fly. And the hens were nowhere in sight.

My extensive search by flashlight didn’t turn up anything, but fortunately when my teens got home a couple of hours later, they searched again and this time found them in a corner that I overlooked. I felt terrible to have ‘lost’ them on their first day with us and was so relieved when they were found. (Not to mention it would have been an financial loss since I paid 500 shekels for the three of them.)

My husband is especially enjoying these chickens and their very calm and gentle energy. He said they’re very ‘zen’ chickens.

While the backyard is working for right now (we put them in a large cage in our locked shed at night so they’re completely secure), now we need to build another coop for them…another day, another project!

Avivah

By 7 am they were ready to go!

Foster Care, Parenting

All of these extra school activities this month are very nice for the kids, but as a parent it’s a lot to do!

This is the first week of the Hebrew month of Adar, and in my daughter’s school there is a different theme each day to make it more fun. So one day she’s supposed to wear the class color, another day to bring something connected to clowns, babies, the yearly theme, etc.

This week she was also chosen to be Girl of the Week. I didn’t realize what it was going to add to my schedule on a very busy week! She went to school dressed in her Shabbos clothes and I made her two Dutch braids for the occasion. The braids took about fifteen minutes, which is a lot when there is so much to do for the four younger kids in the hour from when they wake up.

Yesterday before dinner we filled out the questionaire to help her prepare to talk about herself in front of the class – her favorite colors, school subjects, names of siblings, hobbies, etc. She’s supposed to take a book she enjoys, to share in the course of the week. (I assume the teacher will read it to the class.) I would have liked to have had time to spend choosing something with her, and reading it several times before she went, but I didn’t. The books we read together at this point are usually in English, and the ones we used to read regularly are no longer in good shape.

She also needs to bring a picture she drew – she made a couple and I hope there’s one in her backpack because after the school bus picked them up, I came in and saw the one I thought she was going to take on the kitchen counter.

She’s bringing prizes to distribute to the girls. Fortunately I had ordered these a week before it was announced that she would be the Girl of the Week, so that was nice to have something I didn’t have to prepare this week.

The final and most significant part of the list that I spent hours preparing for, is to bring in a photo montage of herself from the time she was born. The montage is hung in the classroom for an entire week. For months she’s been worried about the picture issue. She kept asking me when it’s her turn how she’s going to have pictures from when she was little, and I kept telling her not to worry about it, that I’ll make sure she has pictures.

Last year I asked the social worker at the mediation center to request pictures from her bio parents of the twins’ childhood. We never got any. It’s so important for them to have some connection to their early years. After waiting for weeks, I finally I went onto her bio parents Facebook accounts and saved the pictures I saw there. Unfortunately, someone dropped my computer and it was destroyed; all of the files were lost.

When I went back to Facebook, the accounts could only be viewed by ‘friends’. But then I found that her mother had more than one account, and hadn’t locked the older one. I saved the pictures that I found there – maybe ten total – so the kids would have them. From these I was able to put a few baby pictures on her montage.

Then I contacted her previous foster mother and asked her for pictures. She had deleted almost everything but found a few for me, which she sent.

Dd was so happy and excited when I showed her the pictures that I assembled. I printed and mounted about twenty pictures on a large plastic board and it looks really nice. I was planning to put the pictures in a photo album after she brings them home, but now I’m thinking of hanging it on her bedroom wall – I think she’ll love it.

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Also today, my twelve and eight year olds are having an early Purim party, complete with costumes and a communal meal. As far as costumes, I thought we were set a while back but then two days ago I learned my twelve year old has been telling everyone he’s going to be a policeman. I knew it was very important to him, so I took him to a store yesterday and explained that this is the only store we were going to be able to go to, and if we couldn’t find a costume he was going to have to dress up as something else. Good fortune shone upon us since there was only one men’s police costume and it was his size. Our seven year old is planning to be a policeman and I had purchased handcuffs and a gun for him to use next week, so our twelve year old was able to take them today.

Each child is supposed to bring the food item they’re assigned for the communal meal. Our twelve year old brought the hard boiled eggs, and our eight year old was tasked with bringing pitas or rolls. I took the pitas I bought out of the freezer last night so they would be defrosted when he left to school. When I got up this morning, the bag was open and two pitas were missing, so my husband made a trip at 6 am to the store to buy more.

Our eight year old also needed to bring mishloach manot for the class exchange – everyone brings one and then everyone gets one. I found out about it Wednesday afternoon and since I do errands in the morning, I only had Thursday to get something, but my morning was too full to add in another trip to the store. It felt like pulling a trick out of my hat to get it ready this morning since earlier in the week I hadn’t gone shopping with this in mind, but I made a nice one.

Every day when the kids get on the school bus dressed, ready and smiling, it feels like an accomplishment but today was on a different level.

Avivah

Citrus compote and homemade general cleaners

Healthy Living, Intentional Spending

I realized I need to share about this before citrus season passes!

I got two boxes of beautiful clementines, and wanted to find a way to preserve their citrusy deliciousness for a different season.

My past experience with canning clementines was terrible; they were delicious when I put them in the jars but bitter and lacking in flavor when I took them out to eat them. That was in 2021 and you can see it scarred me enough that I didn’t try to can any citrus in the ensuing years. 🙂

This time I made a delicious citrus compote with pink grapefruit, clementines, pomegranate seeds and a tiny bit of star anise. So, so good.

I cut off all the pith (the white stuff left on the fruit after you peel it) and the membranes of the grapefruits, since that’s what gives the bitter flavor. We had some of it fresh and it didn’t need any sweetener, but I added some honey for the jars that I canned.

Sectioning all of that citrus fruit was a lot of work, particularly since the grapefruits were small. But the taste was fabulous!

(You can see the citrus compote in the jars in the background below.)

Then I canned clementine sections using honey and water as the syrup to can them with. Those also turned out nicely. In the winter I like to have homemade applesauce and peach/apricot compote for Shabbos dessert from the fall and summer seasons, and I’ll save the citrus compote for the summer when citrus is no longer in season. It makes it more special to enjoy it when it’s not in season.

After I finished, I was left with a huge amount of clementine peels. (I had to take my boys to an appointment in the middle of working on this. I was very embarrassed that a friend we haven’t seen for twenty years unexpectedly come to visit when I was out and walked into the kitchen to see the island covered with jars, fruits and peels.) While my goats would have gladly eaten the peels, I wanted to use them to make a big batch of general purpose cleaner.

Okay, get ready for a very complicated and time consuming project.

All Purpose Citrus Cleaner

You can use peels from any citrus fruit – lemons, grapefruits, pomelos, oranges. They all have a chemical in their peels called d-limonene that is a natural compound that removes oil and dirt from surfaces.

Put the peels in a container. Cover with vinegar so that the peels are completely submerged; you don’t want to have peels sticking out because they’ll get moldy. Close/cover the container and let sit from two weeks to two months. (It can sit longer if you don’t get around to dealing with it.) Strain. Put the peels in your compost pile (or if you’re me, everything goes to the chickens) and pour the strained vinegar into a spray bottle and add an equal amount of water.

You can use this to clean most areas – bathrooms, windows, sinks, stoves and ovens. It’s strong and effective, but doesn’t have any chemical smell or danger to your skin or lungs. (You can also use this citrus vinegar for salad dressings. I know, it’s kind of a funny thought to be able to ingest your household cleaner.)

I made a very large recipe, using all of my peels along with two – 4 liter jugs of vinegar, purchased at the bulk store for 8.50 each. When mixed with water it will result in sixteen liters of cleaner for under twenty shekels, and that will be enough to last me a very long time.

Avivah

Setting limits on gift giving

Intentional Spending, Self-Growth

Tonight I got a call from a parent of my eight year old son’s class. She was tasked with calling all the parents to collect the money for Purim gift baskets for the teachers.

There was an evening event for mothers last week, and no one mentioned the class gift so I assumed that this year I’d make my own gift baskets for the teachers. By the time I got the call, I had completed my order for everything I needed and it was too late to cancel my order.

However, I always participate with the class gifts, even though they are for the morning and afternoon staff, and my son is only present for the mornings. So I asked how much it would be.

“250 shekels”, she said.

I got a call the day before about contributing to the class baskets for ds12’s same size class in the same school, and you know how much it was? 100 shekels. Totally fine.

I told her that 250 shekels is way too much. I feel responsible in part for these spiraling prices because until a year ago, they were asking 150 shekels from each parent. At the mother’s evening last year they were hesitating about the price, and asked me and the other woman I was with if they should charge 150 or 200. The woman next to me said ‘200’ and I agreed it was fine with me. We were the first people asked and if we had said it was too much, it would have been adjusted accordingly.

In the moment I felt it was okay because I had the money and it didn’t cause me financial strain. But it caused the bar to be raised, and it’s likely it caused others to feel pressured. When they collected for the end of the year gifts and said they wanted 200 shekels from each family, I told them that I was wrong to agree earlier in the year to a higher price and they needed to hold the bar at 150 shekels.

Well, obviously that didn’t happen and the bar was raised again.

I very clearly expressed why I won’t contribute: it’s too much money and it puts pressure on parents and there has to be a limit. The person calling agreed with me completely and said she wished that I had been one of the first to be asked this year instead of the last, that if someone else had said this earlier on then the price would have been lowered. (Don’t think that everyone will send in the money – they won’t, they will act as if it’s fine with them and then not pay.)

I like to participate with group efforts and of course no one wants to look like they’re being cheap. In this case I’m not worried about how people look at me – for years I’ve consistently contributed willingly and promptly. I genuinely feel like someone has to put their foot down and I’m willing to be that person.

What will I send to the teachers instead? I’ve bought gold metal baskets and will include in each a large bottle of natural grape juice, a family size bag of hamantaschen and some fruit. I may add a can of tuna or some other canned good. I’ll wrap it nicely in cellophane and ribbons, and it will look lovely.

It’s a beautiful thing to be generous but it’s easy to be swayed by your concern of what people will think of you. It’s so easy to go beyond your limits when it comes to gift giving because of how you want to be perceived. Be honest with yourself: does it feel good to you, or do you feel you’re overly stretching yourself? Does it give you joy and are you giving in a whole hearted way, or do you feel like you have to even though you’d rather not and it’s too much for you?

Learning to be honest with yourself and respect your needs and limitations is a really important ability to develop. See requests such as these as opportunities to be respectful and loving of yourself, rather than putting the wants of others before yourself.

Avivah