Category Archives: marriage

Give someone what they want to receive

marriage, parenting

I’ve been talking in my classes recently about the power of the emotional bank account, how it’s critical to keep the balance in the relationship with our children high by making deposits and avoiding withdrawals.  This means that you have to understand what constitutes a withdrawal and what is a deposit.  And it also means recognizing that different people define deposits – ie meaningful expressions of affection – differently.  That can complicate things when someone thinks he has been building the balance and then realizes that what he thought he was giving wasn’t being received as it was intended.

We have to learn to give what a person wants to receive, not what we want to give or what’s easy for us to give – that’s what true giving is all about!  My ds4 gave me a plastic credit card and two rubber bands wrapped up nicely for a Chanukah present, and I thought it was so sweet of him to want to give me something!  However, while it’s cute and sweet when a 4 year old gives you what he has because that’s what he has, it’s not so cute when it’s an adult that you would expect to be aware of your likes/needs who gives you something that’s really not at all what you want or need. 

Tonight someone asked me about how to respond to her husband, who recently gave her a diamond necklace.  The problem?  She hates the necklace (doesn’t like diamonds or the style), hates how much money was spent on it, and doesn’t want the expectation that she’ll now wear it every day.  Though her husband intended to be generous and loving, she told me this was probably the biggest withdrawal in the history of their marriage – that he gave her something so totally unsuited to her, which is obvious to anyone who knows her even casually, something that is perceived as more of a burden than a gift.  

So how can we avoid this?  When attempting to build a relationship, look for clues as to what’s important to the other person.  The easiest way to do this is to see how they make deposits for others!  This can be challenging since recognizing other ways of showing love can go under our radar if it differs very much from our own way.  Sometimes we get frustrated with others who have different ways of showing their love, and it helps to realize that it’s not that they’re selfish or clueless, just that we’re speaking a different language.

I recently realized with a relationship in my life that has had a good bit of friction that we have diametrically opposed way of showing that we care.  I do things for people I like, and when people do things for me (or even just express the desire/willingness to do something for me), this is the biggest way they can show they appreciate me.  And so I did a lot of nice things for this person, some small and some big, in addition to verbally expressing a lot of appreciation, inviting her to our home on regular occasions, spending time visiting with her, etc.  This was challenging because it felt like a one way relationship, but I continued to make what I felt were deposits because I wanted to show the person I cared.

Imagine my surprise when I recently got an email from this person telling me that basically all I ever do is take from her and that I’m selfish and uncaring!  To say I was taken aback would be an understatement.  I had to work really hard not to respond emotionally, and instead to think about why she would say something like that.  I assumed she said she felt I was unloving because she felt unloved, which pushed me to think hard about what I wasn’t doing for her, what I wasn’t successfully communicating.  How would she prefer I show her I cared? 

Because I had given so much of what I would have wanted, this wasn’t easy for me to consider, but telling ourselves all the reasons we’re right and others are wrong isn’t what moves a person forward in life!  What I realized based on a comment in that email (complained that I never call her) is that she appreciates long chatty phone calls just talking about nothing in particular (which honestly frustrates me – very different from my communication style), and that she’d be happier if I called her for even ten minutes every week than everything else I was doing put together!  Since I kept my phone contact with her minimal and short when we did need to speak by phone, you can see how despite my best intentions, I wasn’t giving her what she wanted and she felt I didn’t care about her. 

This has been a growing opportunity for me to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone for the sake of this relationship.  No, it’s really not easy for me, but you can’t say you really care about someone when you don’t take time to think about what matters to them.

Sometimes you can make deposits even when you imperfectly do something.  My husband gave me a lovely fleece scarf recently.  I love it!  But what I love most about it is that he tried to find a color and pattern that he thought I would like, based on some comments I had made about other clothing I had.  Even though the colors weren’t quite what I would have chosen, it was very different than what he would have gotten in the past, and it was obvious that he cared enough to think about my preferences.  Knowing that he made the purchase based on that was a deposit for me, and I feel loved everytime I put on the scarf to go out!

Avivah

Wedding, upsherin, yeshiva update

homeschooling, marriage, parenting

Today has been such a wonderful day!  I’m going to sum up today in just one post, so it’s going to be long – consider yourself forewarned! 🙂

We started the day by getting ready for my mother’s wedding.  Originally it was scheduled for mid October, but at the beginning of August they moved the date to today so that my dd15 would be able to be there before leaving to study abroad for the year.  My mother realized how important it was to dd15 to be there, and felt that it was important that all of our kids be there.  It meant a lot of extra time pressure for them and because it overlapped with this very busy time for our family, I really wasn’t able to be of much help in planning.  Fortunately, there were a number of wonderful friends who were there for them and were just incredible in the level of help and support they offered.  I actually think it was good that I couldn’t be involved since it gave my mother a chance to see how many people really cared about her.

Figuring out what everyone should wear was the biggest challenge the night before, since I didn’t have time to do any wedding shopping, so I relied on ‘shopping’ in my attic, which served me well for the boys.  The girls went out to a thrift store late Friday afternoon and found a couple of items – they decided they all wanted to wear black and white so they’d match.  Even though I would have preferred more color for the little boys, I went ahead and dressed them all in black pants, white shirts, and dark vests.  They looked very cute, and it was definitely easy to color coordinate them.  🙂

Anyway, my mom spent Shabbos with us and asked if I’d take her to the wedding, which I was very happy to do.  Initially I thought I’d go myself, take her to the synagogue where the ceremony was being held, and then go back for the kids.  But in the end we all piled into the car to get her.  As soon as she opened the door to the van, everyone broke out into singing for her.  We got there early for photos, and I got to meet her fiance’s family members; they were a little apprehensive about the unfamiliarity of an Orthodox wedding ceremony, but were lovely people.

It was a beautiful wedding – everyone remarked on it.  I keep thinking about it, trying to put my finger on what was so special about it.  Everything was done nicely, but it was a simple event, not in a fancy hall or with extravagant catering or a huge crowd of people.  The chupah was held on the front lawn of the synagogue, under a chupa loaned and set up by a friend.  (Afterward I asked the man it belonged to how many weddings it had been used for, and he led me underneath and showed me an embroidered square with the name, date, and location for each couple that had so far used it – it was about eight so far.

The food set up and clean up, and much more than just that, was orchestrated by a wonderful family who both my mother and her new husband are close with.  There was a nice but not huge group of people attending – about 100 for the meal and more for the chupah and dancing, but I’m not sure how much more.   But everything about it was just so nice.  I think a big part it was was the obvious happiness of the couple, and the palpable support of family and friends.  It’s really only people who can create the environment, not the location or price of the food.

A few people asked me how it felt to be ‘marrying off’ my mother.  (Our kids all walked down the aisle, and I was the one by her side where traditionally a mother would be.)  My answer is that it didn’t feel strange at all – I’m so happy for my mother to have found such a wonderful person to spend the rest of her life with.   My mother has often marveled at my relationship with my husband over these last eighteen years.  Several times she’s asked me how I did it, and my first answer is always that I married a wonderful person, and that’s the most important thing.  She told me recently she finally understood what I meant;  she was able to now see that marriage doesn’t have to be constant hard work and realize how much easier marriage could be when you marry someone who you have a strong and meaningful emotional connection with.

We look at it as our family growing – the kids have a new grandfather, and his mother we’ve dubbed ‘Grandma (firstname); his brother and sister are now aunts and uncles.  He doesn’t have any children from his previous marriage and has inherited a large and very active family – us!  Fortunately his family seems to like us (my kids overheard his mother talking about them to and she kept saying how wonderful they were, so it seems they’re happy wit the family he’s marrying into!)

We left the house at 9:45 am, the wedding started at 11 am, and though it was officially scheduled for two hours, we didn’t get home until about 3:30.  Since I had the upsherin (birthday party for three year old boy) scheduled for 5 pm, it didn’t leave me much time to get ready. I asked dd15 to quickly whip up a cake, chose to forgo shopping for fruit and vegetable platters, and used apple and orange juice left from the wedding for beverages.  I had purchased a good bit of snack foods during my monthly shopping trip a couple of weeks ago.  After less than half hour getting the house and food on track, as well as putting the littles in for a nap, I left the girls to put together some snack trays while I went down the block to the engagement party of a neighbor’s son (who was in my carpool just three years ago!).   (Dd15 came with me but only stayed long enough to verbalize her congratulations.)  I stayed there for about a half hour, then came back about 35 minutes before the upsherin.

Ds3 was so exhausted that he had fallen asleep on the couch immediately after we came home from the wedding, and I was concerned that he’d be so groggy that he’d be out of sorts when he woke up.  But fortunately he woke up fairly smoothly after the house started filling up – the excitement of all the people definitely helped!  Since it was at the house and I have so much going on now that I didn’t want to create a huge pressure for myself, we didn’t invite a large crowd.  We invited grandparents, and three families, two of which were large.  But we had almost 40 people there (including my family, of course!) even though we kept it small.  This is the first time that we’ve had an upsherin with anyone from outside of the family present.  And it was really nice.  Ds did great sitting calmly while about 35 people cut snips of his long blond hair.  It was a lovely party which we all enjoyed.

Ds17 managed to get a ride from NY at 4 am from a friend of my mother’s – it was a last minute arrangement which I was so grateful for.  The day he went to NY for yeshiva, there was a major fire that affected the train routes, and when he got to his transfer point, he was stranded for a couple of hours until he ended up getting a cab with a couple of other people to the final train stop.  We found out late Friday afternoon that the damage still hadn’t been repaired and therefore the train that connects him to Manhattan still wasn’t running.  We really weren’t sure how to get him home in time for the wedding.  Because he’s so new there, he’s not yet familiar with subways and buses, and the times were so tight (he needed to arrive here by 10 am, meaning he needed to leave Manhattan before 7 am, and it takes 90 minutes to get into Manhattan from where he is) that there was no margin for error.  I mentioned my dilemma to my mom on Shabbos, and she told me she had a friend coming from the general area for the wedding.  She wasn’t sure how far away it was, or what their schedule was, but immediately after Shabbos she made a couple of calls and her friend agreed to pick ds up from his dorm (at 4 am).

This was a major blessing, since he got here 8 am, went straight to synagogue for morning services, and was back exactly in time to leave with us to pick up my mother.  And this wonderful couple offered to take him back tonight, and that’s what they did – and thanks to their offer, he was able to take substantially more than he could have taken on the bus in one suitcase.  That was great since he only took enough clothing for the first few days, and now was able to take some bulky things he was missing, like a blanket (he only took sheets).

I really didn’t have time to have a meaningful conversation with ds17 at all today (or any of the other kids, for that matter), since we were busy with one thing after another.  I told him I’m looking forward to hearing lots about everything when he comes home for Sukkos – but fortunately when we spoke on the phone several times in the last week, his overwhelming feedback is that he’s extremely happy in yeshiva.  He told me during one of those conversations that everyone is very positive about homeschooling; the peer feedback is that they think he was lucky, that it’s great/cool.  People have repeatedly been surprised at how young he is and that he’s so mature – he was chatting with a 20 year old at breakfast, and at the end the young man said, “I can’t believe I’ve just had an intelligent conversation over breakfast!”  He mentioned today that he already has a reputation, so I asked him, “As the boy who homeschooled?”  He said, “No, as a ‘shtarke bochur’ (used to describe someone who is serious about his studies) – that’s how his rebbi introduced him to his wife, and how his learning partner introduced him to someone else.  🙂    It’s such a delight to hear in his voice how happy he is about literally everything.  (I was chatting with dh about this, and I told him, “That’s our secret – deprive them of things everyone else forces down their throat – eg, yeshiva, and then they feel so lucky when we finally let them have it!”)

I finished the day by taking dd15 to an appointment to try to clear up some things before she leaves in a couple of days.  We got home quite late at night, but are all glad we can look back on today as a wonderfully full and special day.

Avivah

Marriage and expectations – part 1

marriage

Last week I had a fascinating conversation with two women from India, a mother and her 25 year old daughter.  We met at a social event and we were enjoying the conversation so much we didn’t want to stop when the activity we were there for began!

The mother and daughter were from the upper class in India, not the kind of people I usually have a chance to speak at length with.  The daughter moved here to attend university when she was 18, and the mother still lives in India but comes for a month at a time once or twice a year to visit her daughter.

(It’s not relevant to the topic but it was interesting to hear about the extent of household help the upper caste has – the mother has no children at home, but has five servants – one full time to live with her, one to drive her where she needs to go, someone to cook for her, a gardener, and a house cleaner.  It’s because it’s only her at home that she only needs five servants, she said – her relatives with children still at home have nine servants.  It’s just $60 a month for a full time servant. )

Anyway, one topic that we discussed at length (relative to the time we had to speak) was marriage – arranged marriage, in particular.  The mother had an arranged marriage (she is probably around 45 or 50 years old), and explained to me that the parents intensively research and research to be sure all the important factors are in place.  Since the daughter is still single after living here for seven years, I asked her what her perspective on marriage and dating is, and inquired if after being here so long her ideas have changed.   She said she’d like to date for several months rather than have an arranged marriage.  When I asked her mother what her thoughts on that is, she responded that she doesn’t mind, as long as her daughter finds someone suitable.  The daughter laughed and told me, there’s no possible way on her own she’ll find someone her family deems suitable – there are simply too many criteria.

I asked the mother about her own engagement – she said her husband to be was pointed out to her at a dinner, told he was the one decided on, and asked what she thought of him.  But she said she couldn’t marry someone she never spoke to, so a couple of times he snuck over to her house so they could speak to each other before the wedding.  There are some obvious similarities to the chassidic manner of engagements (though in that case the couples meet each other once or twice for a short time before becoming engaged), and prior to meeting these women I had been thinking quite a lot about why that works so well – which is probably why we ended up having this conversation five minutes after meeting each other!

Part of why I think responsibly done arranged marriages work so well is that parents take their child’s happiness and future very seriously, and do all that they can to be sure the potential spouse is suitable in all ways.  The children trust their parents implicitly to do what will be right for them.  There’s a lot to think about, but my kids aren’t going to have arranged marriages, so it’s mostly philosophical to me.  But the the 25 year old said something else I think is relevant to everyone.  She said that they come into marriage with no expectations, and the relationship grows and develops from there.  That’s exactly the opposite of the American approach to relationships – people get engaged/married on an emotional high, have huge amounts of expectation, and it often goes downhill from there.

Isn’t it true that the cause of most unhappiness in marriage is due to our unmet expectations of our spouse?  We create a lot of our own struggle because we find it so hard to accept the person we marry for who he is, insisting in our own mind (or even verbally) that he be different.  The more acceptance we can develop for our spouses, the happier we’ll be.

But that’s the challenge….

Avivah

Our 18th anniversary

marriage

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary!  And what makes it even more special is that I’ve now been officially married for half of my life.  (My ds16 asked me today if I felt like it had been 18 years, and I wasn’t sure how to answer – I don’t feel old enough to have been married that long but obviously I am!)

I’ve been thinking about marriage lately.  Some people might think that if you have a good marriage, it kind of stays like that once you get it off the ground.  But you really can’t take your marriage or your spouse for granted, no matter how strong your relationship is.  Relationships become stronger with regular investments of time and energy, and feelings of connection fade when too long goes by without consciously putting forth time and energy to build the relationship.

I recently caught myself being so busy that my husband and I were basically giving instructions/information to one another in passing, without having time for meaningful conversation.  Even though my husband is the most important person in my life, I realized I wasn’t allocating my time in a way that reflected that.  A couple of days ago I told him I recognized that I’ve been doing this, and that I’d really like to have a weekly night out together.

This has been something he’s wanted to do for a long time but I’ve been resistant to making it something regular that I have to put into my schedule.  My nature is that I enjoy getting things done, and it’s actually relaxing for me to be at home and cleaning the kitchen while chatting.  But my husband understandably doesn’t find it relaxing to talk to me when I’m cleaning the kitchen and flitting from one thing to another.  And honestly, it’s totally different when you get out of the house, because all of your focus is on your spouse, not on what else has to be done at home.

Recognizing that love means doing for someone what they perceive as loving, not doing what you want and then getting annoyed that he doesn’t appreciate your efforts, I felt it would be an important message for him and for myself, that I was putting our relationship ahead of everything else.  It’s not just a token acknowledgement – it means in the middle of a busy week setting aside an evening when we know we’ll have a chance to connect on a meaningful level (we already have that on the weekend, so having a mid week opportunity helps bridge the gap).

Going out doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive.  I prefer quiet settings where I’m not distracted by other people, so I can focus on my husband.  My husband knows my preferences by now and suggested a place by a lake, which was really beautiful.  It was peaceful and quiet (both of which I really appreciate, not having much of that during the course of a day!), and I’m looking forward to making it a regular part of my week.  I really enjoy his company, and I love that our relationship gets better and better every year!

Avivah

Choosing between money or love

marriage

Yesterday someone asked me to write about marriage, but it’s something I don’t really blog about, though I do give feedback when asked in person and very occasionally online.  About three weeks ago I answered the following question in a private forum, and I’m going to do something I’ve never done before, which is to share the question (that was posted anonymously) as well as my response.

The person who asked the question two weeks later dropped her anonymity in order to contact me privately to thank me for this answer.  She said she had been agonizing over what to do, and had spoken to various professionals to determine the best course, but still didn’t have clarity. She said that my response to her was so helpful that she decided to stay with the marriage and try to make it work as a result.  Since this was so helpful to her, I thought it might be of some value to others as well.

>>Question: If you have to choose between money and love, which would you choose?

DH is a good person. I work insanely long days (constantly working and finding time to relax), and DH makes dinner at times, tidies up the house, etc.

The only problem is that he is LAZY, UNMOTIVATED, and hasn’t found himself career-wise. He and his mother admit that he has no motivation. (I’ve known him for years, and) first we thought he was working for a bad company, then we blamed it on a 9-5 sched that he wasn’t cut out for, then we blamed the wrong graduate program, and then his parents shared that he has always had a problem with motivation his ENTIRE LIFE. I have so much drive and ambition, and am curious if his absolute lack of desire to do ANYTHING. I’ve tried and tried for years to help him, and then also tried by not helping him. Either way, we lose and I’m so darn resentful.

I’ve been told to either deal with being poor on the books but emotionally fulfilled (though I’m not b/c I resent him) or divorce. I’ve tried everything–career counselors, attempting to find every source of employment from being a guidance counselor in the South Bronx to a writing instructor to a barista at Starbucks and everything in between. He says he may never find himself, and I either need to accept that or leave. And I told him that he needs to find purpose in life or leave.

We’ve been together a year.  Can you let me know what you think?<<

First of all, I don’t think you’re asking an accurate question since you don’t have an either/or situation that would apply. You don’t have money and therefore you don’t feel love.

I’m going to share something very important that no one else is addressing (remember, this was in a venue where others were sharing their feedback). I think you knew who he was when you got married, even though you didn’t know the full extent of his lack of motivation (none of us know the full extent of any aspect of a spouse’s personality before going through life a certain amount of time together; unpleasant surprises are par for the course), and you probably were attracted to his relaxed and good-hearted personality. Right?  Wasn’t that part of his appeal to someone as focused and driven as yourself?

But now you want him to now keep that relaxed part of himself and simultaneously become more like you. That’s what lots of women do, marry someone who is different and then get angry/resentful that he’s different. And then they try to change him. Not fair.

This is only something to get divorced about if you refuse to look at your part and continue to resent and judge your husband. There’s no way to be happy if you won’t do that. Your husband seems to be a good person who loves you and is responsible in other areas; I really doubt that he’s inherently lazy and doesn’t care. It’s more likely that he doesn’t know what direction to go in, doesn’t have confidence in his abilities, and needs a lot of guidance and support (NOT you to tell him what he should be doing!) to know what direction to move in. He has his own challenge with feeling powerless and unable to change this area; you have your own opportunity to grow.

You have a tendency to be controlling and this is a chance to really work on that. You love people conditionally, and marriage is about loving the whole person, the whole package. This is what the real issue; your unwillingness to accept life on life’s term and to love him for who he is.

It’s hard for someone who naturally a go getter to realize that this isn’t a natural trait for many people. The most direct path to your goal of having a husband who is motivated is backing off, accepting him, working on yourself – that’s the only way it will happen. If you can let go of your fear and need for immediate change, love and support him for who he is without trying to manipulate his behavior, you’ll be amazed at what can happen long term. One day you can look back at your amazing marriage and realize what you would have thrown away if you hadn’t been willing to look at your part and work on that.

I really do know how hard this is.  It’s a real process of growth, and I hope you realize I’m taking time to write this because I really want to support and encourage you to do what will bring you true happiness and love – and maybe money one day, too. Smile

What would you say to this question?

Avivah

Creating a vision – the first step to success

homemaking, marriage

I’ve been having computer troubles the last few days, so I’m so glad my super husband was able to fix the problem and I can be back here with you!

Last night I was thinking about something a close friend said to me.  She knows that I don’t come from a family that excelled in marital relationships, to say the least.  To be more clear, no one in my family except one great aunt stayed married long term.  There were other challenges for me growing up, but I’ve grown from them all and don’t regret a single one of them.  But my friend commented that she thinks I’m a ‘magician’, to have been able to create the life I have with no background for it.

It didn’t happen by itself, though.  A number of people have asked me over the years, knowing only that I come from a divorced home, how I have the kind of marriage that I do, how I did it.  My quick answer is always, choose well.  Being married to a good person makes having a good marriage much more achievable.  And my husband is a wonderful person.

But the deeper answer goes further back, to before I even began dating, when I was seventeen years old.  At that time, I decided I needed to create my own vision of what kind of marriage I wanted to have.  I could clearly see what I didn’t want to have – what every single other family member had, of the immediate and extended family through my grandmother’s generation.  I knew what life was like in a broken family, and didn’t want any of my future children to go through that.  And I knew that no one else in my family wanted the results they got, so it wasn’t enough just to want something different.  I needed to plan for something different and positive, because you can’t build a life based on what you don’t want.

I made a list of all the qualities I felt were important for me – it didn’t include looks or physical attributes, just the internal qualities that I felt would provide a good balance to my personality.  When a teacher at seminary asked me what I was looking for and I shared my list with her, she told me it was unrealistic.  When a well known author who happened to be one of my teachers and is heavily involved in matchmaking spoke to me, he told me that my description didn’t match anything he thought was suitable for me.  A married woman I spent a number of Shabbosim/Sabbaths with asked me about what I was looking for, and when I said I wanted someone warm, she told me I had to be a warm person to attract a warm person, and she didn’t think I had the quality of warmth (she didn’t realize that what she was seeing was being reserved, not cold, but that’s another story for another day).  And others along the way discouraged me, too.  But I stuck to my vision – I didn’t create it quickly or without significant amount of ongoing thought, and I believed in it even when those who seemingly had more experience than me discouraged me.  I knew that I knew myself better than any of them, and my picture was more accurate. And when I met my husband, I knew by the second date that he was the right one, because he had everyone of the characteristics I felt were important.  And we’ve had a wonderful life together, through good times and very, very challenging times.

Avivah

Husbands deserve our time, too

homemaking, homeschooling, marriage,

Yesterday I took the kids on a trip to a railroad museum, and the first person I saw when we walked in was a woman I had met several months ago.  At that point, we had spent something like an hour talking, as she has a large family and was beginning homeschooling.  As soon as she saw me, she came over and hugged me, and I ask her how things were going with homeschooling.

She told me that she’s exhausted, that she’s homeschooling literally from 8 am to 10 pm (for 5 kids plus a toddler) seven days a week.  I suggested that she might have taken on an overly intensive curriculum (it is – I warned her about the strong likelihood for burnout when she told me she wanted to use it) and she might want to consider making some adaptations to take the pressure off herself.  But she reassured me that she loved learning with her kids in this way, and it was just hard because there was familial discord.  I asked what that meant.  It turns out that she and dh are having a hard time getting along, and the night before she told him she wanted him to move out.

Was this something recent, I was wondering? No, it’s been like that for four years and now she just can’t take it anymore.  He is too negative and needy of her time and she just can’t spend that kind of time with him because all her energy is going into homeschooling the kids.

I think that too often we as moms get so busy taking care of our homes and children that we forget what position in our lives the relationship with our husbands should be.  There is nothing more important than a strong relationship between husbands and wives, for the two spouses and for the children.  That relationship needs to be the priority, even above our children.  Do you know how secure it makes a child feel to live in a home and know his parents truly love and care for one another?  Especially in today’s climate where so many of his friends’ parents are divorcing, and he doesn’t have to worry that one day he’ll end up split between two homes.

I’ve heard too many wives make not such joking comments about their husbands being like another child to take care of.  Husbands do have needs, emotional and physical needs.  So do wives – that doesn’t make any of us child-like; it makes us human.  Marriage is about giving to the other person, not about demanding that someone else be what we want them to be and squeeze into a tiny corner of our life and hearts.  Minimizing our husbands because we’ve become caught up in the demands of our busy lives and expecting them to live an emotionally independent life isn’t reasonable.  It’s taking them for granted and being disrespectful and emotionally cruel.  When men expect this of women, we all rush to condemn them in outrage.  But when women complain of husbands who take up ‘too much’ of their time, other women cluck their tongues in sympathy and then go on to share their ‘jokes’ about their own impossibly needy husbands.

This woman had to leave our conversation rather suddenly before we had a chance to finish because her young child needed the bathroom.  What I wanted to tell her was, don’t make homeschooling your children more important than your husband.  Don’t make him feel like he doesn’t matter in his own home.  Yes, the reasons she chose to homeschool her children are important – I love homeschooling and am passionate about the many benefits, but even providing your children with those benefits doesn’t justify letting your marital relationship break down for lack of nurturing.

Avivah

Back from Camping Trip 2007

frugal strategies, homemaking, homeschooling, marriage

We’ve gone and come back from our camping trip, and had a great time!

The campground we went to was the most beautiful we’ve ever been to, and very private. There was a beautiful stream running through the campgrounds, and we had a fun time climbing the rocks in the river, tubing, hiking, and on the last day, swimming at a nearby thermal lake. And of course there was the usual camping fun of collecting firewood, building fires, roasting marshmallows and hotdogs, making smores, etc.

We also made a trip out to gorgeous Blackwater Falls (WV), which was only 40 minutes from our campsite. Unfortunately, we didn’t have the camera with us for the thermal lake and waterfall (accidentally left behind at the campsite), since that was a very fun part of our trip that would be good to have visual reminders of. But the main thing is that we had the experience! (Though I’ve often found that what we have pictures of we remember for much longer!)

When we were packing the van to go there, we were really glad we didn’t need to take tents this time since we didn’t have any extra space in the van! Everyone thought the cabin was cute (I had to take the smaller one since the bigger one that would have been more suitable was taken), but once nighttime came, the four oldest kids had a hard time sleeping because they were so squished.

And honestly, I usually enjoy the rustic experience, but this time (being six months pregnant), I really wouldn’t have minded electricity or being closer to the water pump and porta potties (the bigger cabin is right next to those and has electricity). Three trips in the middle of the black rainy night to use the facilities wasn’t much fun. And it wasn’t much fun walking ten minutes to get to a bathroom first thing in the morning, either, when the closer one (three minutes away) was taken. But that was really the main complaint, and that’s being kind of nitpicky.

Fortunately, we didn’t spend much time inside during the day! The weather was on the cool side – it was rainy and pouring the first night there, but cleared up the next morning and it was clear and sunny. Since it was in the mountains, it didn’t feel hot at all – temps were only in the 80s.

The modest swim suits I made were really a worthwhile use of time, as it enabled us to have fun as a family in the water in situations that I would usually stay away from. I was working on mine until 1 am of the morning that we left, knowing how disappointed my kids would be if I didn’t finish it. It was worth the effort; they were thrilled that I made it in time for the trip and I had lots of fun swimming with them!

We decided to leave a little early and not stay for the third night – the larger cabin was available and we initially planned to move into it for our last night there, but then decided it was silly to spend energy moving in there, when we were just going to pack up first thing the next morning and go home. I had terrible back pain from the mattress I slept on (I could feel the metal bars of the futon frame through it) and didn’t want to cut our trip short just because of that, but the second night some kids were so cold that they weren’t looking forward to the third night, either. Part of that was their own fault – three of them forgot to bring the warm clothes that we told them to pack, but part of it was being in the mountains, and it being much colder at night than we’re used to on past camping trips – we would have brought more blankets if we had realized. I can only imagine how cold we would have been if we had camped this year in tents like we usually do!

We got back at 1 am on Friday morning (it’s always nice to be home!), and when we woke up, got everything unpacked and washed up. Then we had special overseas guests for dinner that I’ve known online for over six years, but never had the chance to meet in person until Friday evening. (We spent most of Monday before we left cooking and freezing food so we wouldn’t be too pressured when we got home from the trip, and were able to just pull things out of the freezer.) They also came for lunch the next day, and we thoroughly enjoyed them – what wonderful people! They also had a daughter 11.5 who both my almost 11 yo and 12.5 year old really enjoyed getting to know. The consensus of all the kids was they wish we could have spent even more time together with their family!

Saturday was our 15th anniversary – doesn’t that sound like a long time?! The years have flown by! Marriage is an amazing thing, and I’m incredibly grateful to be married to such a special person, who I love more and more every year.

Today was a really nice day, very relaxed and filled with nice time together with the kids – a movie out (check your local theaters to see if any offer free matinees in the summer – many do), a trip to the library, some special shopping for ds13, and then a trip to friends for another child (and later, swimming there for two of my boys while I got to enjoy time with their mother, a good friend who I never have enough time to talk with :)). We had dinner outside in the back yard where it was cool (the house was uncomfortably warm) before getting everyone ready for bed. Now we are getting looking forward to a visit from a family from Texas who is coming tomorrow. I’ve known them since I was 16, so we’ve seen each other through many stages of life!

Tomorrow morning the midwife will be here and I’ll finally get the official verdict about if we have one or two babies on the way (these four weeks have dragged by, waiting and wondering). I’ll be sure to keep you posted!

Avivah

Getting away as a couple

marriage

Does getting away alone with your husband sound like an impossible dream now that you have children? It sounded like one to me for years, and anytime I would hear or read marital advisors discussing the importance of time with one’s spouse, I would mentally groan and stop listening! Despite knowing deep inside (but not wanting to admit) that it would be beneficial to us to take that advice, I would instead tell myself what a great relationship my husband and I already have, how going away wasn’t necessary for us, etc, etc.

Well, about two years ago, we finally got away for the first time, after 13 years of marriage. We went for one day and one night, and making the arrangements to find places for all the kids would have been enough for me to have backed out of the entire idea. But my husband felt it was important and really was committed to the idea, so he worked out all the details to make it possible.

Warning – going away as a couple can be habit forming! We had such an amazing time, and kept asking ourselves why we it took us so many years to be able to do it. It wasn’t where we went that was so nice, but just having time to talk in a real way, without constantly being interrupted or feeling like there were loads of things around the house waiting to be done, calling to us. At the end of that trip, we committed to each other that we would make the effort to go away once a year, and not make excuses about time, money, or anything else once we got home and life got hectic again.

The next time, we went away for two days and two nights – we had an even better time than the first time. About eight months ago, a month before our baby was born, realizing it would be a long time before just the two of us would be able to go away alone, we decided to go away again. This time it was for three days and three nights, and it was done with the very active support of a wonderful friend, who paid for the hotel room and took most of my kids for most of the time! I had been insisting that it was impossible for us to go away for that long – after all, since we homeschool the kids, and their closest friends go to school, I couldn’t expect their friends’ mothers to just have my child hanging around the entire day. Asking grandparents to watch all six kids for three days straight was also not a good solution. But where there is a will, there is a way, and I’m lucky to have a husband and a friend who had a strong enough will to find the way!

The time away is sooooo important in reconnecting in terms of feelings, thoughts, and goals. We like to just spend the time relaxing together. We bring books to read, take walks, talk – it might not sound exciting, but so deeply rewarding. We also take food with us, so we don’t need to spend time shopping or bust the budget by eating out (though if that works for you, great!). It’s not where you go, but who you go with that is really important. It’s also important not to schedule lots of time running around, which can partially defeat the purpose of going away together, by distracting you from deeper levels of communication that come with uninterrupted time to focus on one another.

Why am I writing about this now? Because we are leaving for our next three day retreat tomorrow night, after we have Thanksgiving dinner at my in laws! This is the first time that we have a specific destination – usually we choose a nice hotel not more than an hour or so away from home, so we don’t have to spend lots of our time driving. We will be going to Colonial Williamsburg, and though we will spend most of our time relaxing in the apartment, are planning to spend one day enjoying some of the local sites. I am very lucky that my mom has a timeshare there that she made available to us, and am so appreciative to her.

This is also the first time that we will have a baby with us, and having a separate room where he can nap will be very useful. That way, he can keep his regular sleeping schedule, and we don’t need to worry about tiptoeing around and waking him up. Don’t think that having a young (or older infant) is a reason not to take this suggestion. Have a plan and have realistic expectations, so that you don’t end up feeling frustrated that your baby needs you, even when you are on vacation!

I encourage every couple to take time to go away from home, even just a day, and use that time to connect with their spouse in a deeper way. Thanks to online sites like hotwire.com and travelzoo.com, you can find great deals and it doesn’t need to cost a lot. If cost is a concern, think about all the things you find money for because you need to. Isn’t nurturing the relationship with your spouse just as important as those things? It’s an unfortunate truth that the most deeply important things don’t press on you to be done; you need to exercise the proactivity to make them happen. And just think by using your time well, you will come home feeling more loving, happy, and centered! And what could be better than that?

Avivah

Nursing Babies to Sleep

marriage, parenting

“My dd is 14 months old and I nurse her to sleep for her naps – how do other moms deal with this? Laying down with her is my only down time, but my husband keeps making comments about it. He does not take care of her so that I can take a bath, exercise, read, etc. What should I do?”

There are a few aspects to address regarding this issue:

I think it’s a great idea to take your opportunity to rest when your child is resting, since you may not have any other chance during the course of a busy day to refresh yourself. Too often moms use this quiet time to clean up or do some other kind of work, and don’t take the chance when they have it to take a well earned rest. Parenting is hard work, emotionally and physically, and having a regular nap will help you have the positive energy to do the best job of being a mom that you can.

However, as nice as it can be to lie down and rest with your baby, I wouldn’t encourage you to make it a habit to nurse her to sleep. If you do, she will become dependent on your presence to fall asleep, and since you can’t and won’t always be there, it isn’t fair to her. Little babies very quickly turn into young toddlers-learning to fall asleep on one’s own is a valuable skill, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for her to adjust. It may seem relaxing and enjoyable now, but an older child who still needs your physical presence to go to sleep every single time is very disenchanting.

What I do is nurse my babies until they are almost fully asleep – they stir when I put them down, but are tired enough that they will fall back asleep on their own. Then you can lie down in your bed at the same time and have your quiet time. That way, you can both enjoy the closeness and relaxation of your nursing session, and both have a regular pause in your day for a rest without setting up bad habits that will be difficult to undo.

Regarding your husband – my sense is that this is the real issue for you. It can be hard for husbands to appreciate how all consuming raising children can be. You need to have some open and respectful discussion as to what the needs and expectations you both have as parents and spouses are. How do you view your job as a homemaker and mom, and how does he see it? What do you both feel is reasonable regarding his help? The balance will differ from family to family, so what works for one family might be really unhelpful for someone else. If you want your husband’s help, you may need to ask for it, directly and without making him feel that he never helps out and this is the least he can do. Tell him specifically what you would appreciate, and be sure to thank him and let him know afterwards how helpful he was to you.

Avivah