With our particular situation as foster parents, our identity is protected from the bio parents for our safety. This is not always the case for foster parents but that’s how it was set up for us. As such, there are procedures in place when I take the kids to the visitation with their parents at the visitation center each week to preserve our anonymity – the parent goes in, then the supervisor calls to tell me the parent is there and that it’s okay for me to bring the kids in. We leave in reverse order, with enough time given for us to leave the parking lot before they tell the parent it’s okay to go out.
This has worked effectively for many months. Six weeks ago we switched to a new mediation center, and the social worker told me they would do something similar. That’s what they said, but that’s not what they’re doing.
The first week she confirmed it was okay to go in, but the second week when I called to confirm it was okay for us to get out of the car – I arrived ten minutes early and it’s hard for the kids to wait inside the car after a drive of almost an hour – the social worker chastised me for calling and told me of course I’m not allowed to come inside during someone else’s turn.
I reminded her that my identity is protected and I didn’t want to start the visit early, I just wanted to be able to get out of the car with the kids.
The next week they switched to a different supervising social worker but didn’t give me his number, so I wasn’t able to call to ascertain the parent was inside and they didn’t remember to give him my number with instructions to call me, so I waited until the last minute I could without being late for visitation. It’s been six weeks now and they haven’t called me except that first week.
At the last visit as I pulled up to the traffic circle next to the mediation center, I saw the twins’ father walking towards the building. I felt uneasy because dd7 was sitting in the front passenger seat and there were no other cars in the area so it would be a reasonable thing for him to look up. If he did, he would immediately know who I was. Fortunately he didn’t look up and the windows were closed so he didn’t hear the children calling his name.
Since I had seen him, I didn’t have to call to ascertain his arrival. The kids were very hyped up because they had seen him and it was hard for them to wait but I waited about eight minutes to be sure he was inside – it takes a maximum of two minutes to go in. There were still a few minutes until our appointment but knowing the coast was clear, I took the kids to wait outside of the building entrance so they could get some of their energy out.
There is a path leading to the building entrance and there are high walls on each side, so you can’t see the entrance unless you are directly opposite it. The parking lots are on the sides of the building so as you approach after getting out of your vehicle, there’s no way to see anyone until you turn into the path.
I was holding dd’s hand and ds ran a little bit ahead of me. As he turned the corner into the path, I heard him exclaim, “Abba!” For some reason, his father had come back outside, which has never happened before.
I thought, “Oh, no, what am I supposed to do now?” I couldn’t stay on the other side of the wall since I couldn’t leave ds7 unattended, but if I turned the corner to get him, his father would see me.
Well, there was no choice but to turn the corner and get ds7. I accepted that this has to happen and there’s no reason for it to be a big deal.
As I turned into the pathway, ds had just asked his father something and his father tensely responded, “I’m not allowed to be here.” He faced the building and kept his back towards me with his gaze averted. I saw the cigarette he had just thrown down and realized he had gone outside to smoke.
Feeling conscious of his proximity just a few feet away, I told dd that we needed to go wait to the side of the building and give her father his turn to go in, and then it would be our turn. Ds7 was confused why we couldn’t wait there and didn’t want to go, so I had to take his hand to lead him away. Their father didn’t turn his head at all to look at me – I thought it was very disciplined of him. The angle he had his head turned slightly to the right was a little unusual, though; he wasn’t looking directly ahead of him, which is what would be expected.
When I came to pick the children up, I stood in front of the frosted glass doors and held my head at the exact angle I had seen their father looking, and then it was obvious why he chose that angle. The glass doors provided a perfect mirror and at that angle he could watch me closely, with his sunglasses concealing his eyes so it wouldn’t be obvious if I were to look at him.
How do I feel about this? Well, less bothered than I did the week that his girlfriend waiting in the car videoed me walking with the two kids into the mediation center. Part of me would rather have had some verbal contact acknowledging one another because it’s an awkward and artificial situation. I suppose it was inevitable at some point that he would see us and while I don’t feel endangered, I do feel uncomfortable.
Avivah