Category Archives: Parenting

Making the decision to stay home with my children

Parenting

I mentioned recently that August was a milestone month in a number of ways for us. It’s a milestone in an additional way, one that I was thinking about a lot when I went to see my newest grandson for the first time a few weeks ago.

As I was holding him, it occurred to me that he is the third child of my third child (also born in August). We made a huge, life changing decision when my third child was born, a shift that affected everything in our family that happened ever since then.

Until that point, I was the breadwinner in the family. My husband was a full-time avreich (Torah student), and we lived a very idealistic, simple and mostly happy life.

The issue that was becoming more and more of a conflict for me was needing to rely on others to care for my children. When I had to go back to work after the birth of my first child, I looked for a babysitter close to my office. Our baby traveled an hour in each direction with me from our home to my office, snug against me in a baby carrier. I worked from 8:30 – 1:30; I nursed him when I dropped him off at and picked him up from the babysitter (a lovely woman who was the mother of six children). Mid morning my babysitter would call and say, “Avivah, your baby is hungry,” and I’d dash out to nurse him.

When he was young toddler, he started gan (preschool). A van would come to pick him up and drop him off. We took him to one neighbor in the morning who put him on the van since we had to leave before it came, and then a different neighbor would take him off the van, since I wasn’t yet home at that time. I’d get home around 2:45 pm, and then I’d spend the rest of the day with my two little children.

Until that point, I took my children to private babysitters who were neighbors or friends who cared for children in their home. It was a home environment, there were a limited number of children, and it was just one caretaker other than myself, minimizing the attachment difficulties for a young child. It was as good a setup as I could find and though I didn’t love it, I overall felt fine with it.

However, I felt increasingly concerned about my son. One day I got a call from the morning neighbor who saw my son had been dropped off in the afternoon on the sidewalk in front off our building, and the afternoon neighbor I was paying to take care of him didn’t get him. He was left standing there, 2 3/4 years old, not knowing who was going to take care of him and unsure where to go, until the morning neighbor took him in and then called me.

I was on the bus home when I got this call, and it tore my heart. There was literally nothing I could do about it at that moment. I didn’t read any books or get any message anywhere, from anyone, that maybe something wasn’t good about this kind of childcare arrangement. After all, this is the kind of thing all working mothers had to do, and I was fortunate to work it out as well as I did.

Rationalizing aside, I had a strong gut feeling that this was too high a price for a small child to pay, and that day, I told my husband, I can’t and won’t do this to our son anymore.

I was also exhausted all the time and though only in my early twenties was constantly wondering, “Is this what my life is supposed to be like, racing on a hamster wheel?” I had a decent job that I enjoyed, I had a wonderful husband and adorable children, and a job I did well and got positive feedback for on a daily basis. It didn’t make sense to give all of that up, did it?

It was two months before I was due that we made the decision that when our baby was born, I would stop working. How would we manage financially? Well, with three children ages three and under needing childcare, that would have taken 3/4 of my income, so I wouldn’t be coming home with that much once I paid all the babysitters. When we did the math, we figured out that if we would simplify even more and my husband could get tutoring work, we could make ends meet.

That’s what we did. It was tight but the feeling of happiness I had when every day, I put my own son on the preschool van in the morning and later in the day took him off, was euphoric. It felt right.

Being home with our children continued to feel right throughout the years – I’m not saying it was always easy and I was continually glowing with happiness, because it wasn’t and I wasn’t. Periodically there would be life circumstances that would cause us to reevaluate if this was still something doable for us, but my husband and I continually came back to the decision that it was best for our children that I be home with them full-time.

That was a long time ago – my third child just turned 27. Now it’s my own children that have to make the tough decisions that we faced about working with young children.

When I think of young families today, my heart goes out to them. Even if they have an awareness of the importance for young children of being with their primary caregiver around the clock, logistically it’s so daunting for them.

My husband and I made the decision that was was right for our family, and we’ve continued to live simply and frugally throughout all these years to continue to make this possible. We’ve had many experiences we couldn’t have had if I had been spending the bulk of my day working outside of the home. But more than that, I had the inner peace of knowing that I was able to be the primary caregiver for our children and create a sense of stability and consistency throughout the years as we experienced big and small changes.

If you’re living in the modern world, regardless of what community you belong to, you have to be somewhat countercultural to make the choice to stay home with your children. You need to be very intentional and thoughtful to find a way to meet the needs of the children in a world in which working women have become the norm and daycare an option that is seen as just as good as being home with mom. (It’s not.)

Am I critical or judgmental of women who work outside the home? Absolutely not!

What does deeply concern me is that I don’t see the crucially important societal conversation happening about what is best for young children. Children have needs that have clearly been proven to be necessary for their healthy emotional development. We don’t have to guess about this.

We don’t want to make mothers feel bad by bringing up the concern about how children might be negatively impacted if she isn’t able to be present with them for a number of hours a day – but the children can’t speak up for themselves. They literally have no voice. And if a mother has never heard a different perspective or had information shared that might affect how she makes choices, how can she make an informed decision?

I’d like to encourage parents to learn about the attachment needs of young children, and then think outside of the box about how to meet the needs of our youngest and most vulnerable. Maybe you need to work for financial reasons, but is there a way to work from home, or cut your hours, or cut your expenses, or work alternate hours when your children are sleeping? Can parents alternate their schedules to minimize the time children spend in the care of others, or can they be cared for by relatives or friends?

There are no easy answers but my experience has been that it’s worth asking those questions. When you get clarity about what you want, possibilities and solutions you didn’t consider previously often appear.

What benefits children will benefit families, and benefit our society at large. I don’t think having more children grow up with a healthier sense of themselves can be anything but positive! This isn’t an issue of compromising our needs to make someone else happy, or giving up what matters most for something inconsequential. It’s quite the opposite – finding a solution that you know meets the needs of your entire family creates more peace and contentment for everyone.

Avivah

Foster care -Breaking the news to ds6.5 and planning a first visit

Foster Care, Parenting, Trisomy 21

Six years ago we took ds6.5 directly home from the hospital as a very small infant, and in every way he’s grown up as a member of our family. Everyone in our extended family thinks of him as a sibling; no one looks at him as a foster child. As far as we’re concerned, it’s just a technical legal term.

When we had the initial conversation prior to his placement with his bio parents, they indicated they would like to visit weekly, which we warmly supported. We had always assumed we would tell ds6.5 from the time he was very young about his birth status, in conjunction with the ongoing visits. He would grow up with this being an accepted part of his life.

However, there were only two visits when he was a newborn, and then two and a half years later a very short visit. And so the conversation never happened.

As I began researching foster care and adoption trauma about six months ago, I was taken aback to learn that often babies adopted at birth show the most trauma. I couldn’t initially understand why that was. After all, if a baby has known love and security from his first weeks, how could it be possible that sometimes he was emotionally worse off than a child who was abused or neglected and only found a safe home at a later age?

I had to hesitantly tiptoe around the answer, because I lot of emotional resistance to learning more. I didn’t want that to be true. I didn’t want to think that the infant that I had raised from so early in his life, who I slept with on my chest as a tiny baby so he would feel secure and to encourage bonding, the baby I spent two years gathering mother’s milk for from various donors all over the country to keep him as healthy as possible, who we all loved in a whole-hearted way from day one – I couldn’t accept that he could emotionally be missing anything.

It was very difficult for me to listen to and read extremely negative perspectives from adults who were adopted, perspectives I had never been aware of and therefore never considered.

I may have been resistant but my nature isn’t to ignore information I don’t like.

Unborn babies begin to bond with their mothers in the womb. Thus, there is an emotional bond that is broken the moment he is born and his mother isn’t there for him. What has been termed ‘the primal wound’ is the baby’s loss of his mother; he is fully aware of this loss though he will later likely never be able to verbalize or even remember it. This pain can stay with him for life and impact his later sense of self and relationships.

Though I began doing this research because the possibility of the twins coming had been broached, I began thinking a lot about ds6.5 and what this meant for him.

I would love to think that by raising him as we have (and this is what I thought until recently) from as young an age as we did, that we took away the short term pain of the loss he experienced. What I’ve learned is the pain of that loss is forever.

What I care about most is doing what is best for him, and thus, I strongly requested through my social worker that his bio parents visit him. At our meeting, that subject was raised by the social workers and I added my voice supporting that preference. They weren’t interested; the social workers told me they don’t have a way to compel birth parents to see children if they don’t want to.

Soon after his bio father called me and I made a direct appeal, telling him that this is best for ds, that he should know who they are and have a relationship with them. He called me back a few weeks later and told me he and his wife were planning to go away to the north for a couple of days in the beginning of September and would try to visit then.

I asked him to send pictures of them both so that I could begin the process of introducing the topic to ds6.5. He did send a picture, but it took a few weeks. By the time I received it and was able to get it printed out, I had a week until their visit to break the news to ds6.5.

My stomach was in knots thinking about how to go about this.

Fortunately, dd6 made it easier for me. Being a child who came into foster care at a later age who knows her parents, our conversations about family are very different. My daughter gave birth three weeks ago and her family stayed with us until yesterday, so we got to see a lot of them. Dd wanted to know where the new baby came from before she was born, so I told her she was inside her mother’s tummy. (I realize that’s not anatomically accurate but that’s what I say to young children.)

She asked about whose tummy she was in before she was born, and I told her, her imma. I explained that her brother also was in her imma’s tummy before he was born. She was processing this, and then wanted to know which children in my family were in my tummy before they were born. (With my daughter’s family here, she was confused about who were my children and who were my grandchildren.) After clarifying which children were my daughter’s and which were mine, I told her that all of our children were in my tummy and all of my daughter’s children were in her tummy.

“What about ds11 and ds6.5?” she specified. I try not to say something not true and told her they were also my children, then changed the topic without specifically saying ds6.5 wasn’t in my tummy. She went on to ask this question a couple of times more in the last couple of weeks.

Then last week the twins had a visit with their parents and came home with balloons and scooters. Ds6.5 requested to go with them next time to their abba and imma and also get presents.

He’s heard all the conversations going on. I realized that he already has the concept that children can be born to someone else and raised in our family, and he has an association that children can visit their birth parents who will give them gifts. I realized opening up this topic with him could be very easy, that it didn’t have to be the heavy conversation it was feeling like to me.

I printed out a picture of his birth parents as well as a number of pictures of him from the day we first met him and the day we brought him home three weeks later, and put them all in an album. I sat with him and showed him the album, and when we got to their picture, he asked me who they are. I told them, “This is the lady whose tummy you were in before you were born, and then you came home from the hospital to live with Mommy and Daddy.” “Really?” “Yes, really.”

He was very positive about this and went on to show his album to everyone in the family. He showed me their picture later on and told me, “They will be my friends.”

A visit was scheduled a week ago for this afternoon at a local park. Though our home would be the easiest location, I prefer we not meet here. Though I know they’d want to see where he lives and assess all of what we do and don’t have, I want to have some distance. It’s not a reciprocal relationship; why should they know all about my life while sharing nothing about theirs?

They asked if it would be appropriate to bring a gift, and I suggested a scooter, since that’s something ds specifically hoped to get by meeting the twins’ parents. I didn’t want to tell him about this too much in advance. If it was still vacation, I would tell him as soon as he wakes up this morning and talk about it throughout the day with him. But I don’t want to tell him and then send him off to school; that’s too loaded a topic to not be present to process together with him.

I also don’t want to keep him home from school because of this. So I’m going to tell him when he gets home, and then soon after that we’ll go together to meet them.

I get a bit of a pit in my stomach thinking about the ramifications of this. Just like it was hard thinking about how to tell him and then it wasn’t a big deal, this visit could be the same. Not a big deal.

I tend to be very sensitive to his birth mother’s feelings at the expense of my own, and I’m thinking about how to hold that line.

A couple of things were recently said to me by his birth father that didn’t give me warm and fuzzy feelings. One, when I asked him if it was helpful for them to know he was doing well, he responded, “No, that makes it worse. If he’s doing well, he should be with us.”

Secondly, in the next conversation when we talked about the meeting place, I told him I saw it was hard for his wife to meet in our home in the past, and that it would be better in a neutral place. He said, “You have to understand the heart of a mother. She feels you took her child from her.”

The sheer audacity and denial implicit in that statement took my breath away. I don’t remember if I said anything in response. When we initially met they were so grateful to find us and we were the solution to their problem – a baby they weren’t going to keep and there were no suitable (to their mind) charedi families to take him, a baby left in the hospital for eight weeks until he came home with us – but in her mind as time passed, I’ve somehow become the source of her pain.

I think it’s going to be extremely hard for them to see him. We expected he would do much better if raised by us than the average family because of our parenting approach, and he has. He’s amazing. When talking with my daughter about the difficulties seeing how charming he is could present, she asked, “Isn’t there a way you could keep being so cute and smart just for that day?”

My husband trusts them to honor their commitment to us. They told us several years ago that they won’t take him back no matter what, and my husband believes they’ll keep to that even when they see he’s far more advance than they would have expected. I hope he’s right, I keep telling myself that he’s right, that they’re not going to take him away.

I’m doing this because I feel it’s right for ds, but not because this is easy for me. Personally, I would be fine with the status quo of them never seeing him if I believed that was in ds’s best interests. While the likelihood is that this meeting is going to go very well and tomorrow I’ll be able to share how well everything went, right now, I’m in emotional limbo.

Avivah

Foster care – Parental visitation

Foster Care, Parenting

When children are in foster care, visits with their biological parents are supposed to occur on a regular basis. Sometimes the children visit the home where their parents live, and sometimes they have supervised visits at an alternate location.

In our case, the twins have supervised visits every other week. These visits take place in a center established for this purpose at the social services complex.

The first time I took the twins, it felt a bit like being in a spy movie. Since the parents aren’t supposed to see me (though I was told eventually the children will give them enough information that the parents will figure out who we are), I have to park down the street, call to confirm the parents were there, and only once the parents were inside could I park next to the building. Once I hear that they’re inside the center, I park in front of the building.

Then I take the kids inside the building where I meet the social worker who facilitates the meeting in the reception area, and she takes them to the center downstairs.

When it’s time to pick them up, it’s done in reverse. I go into the building, wait near the entrance and the social worker brings them to me. Then she waits until I’ve had time to pull away and only then the parents are told to leave the center.

These visits are important for the children and their parents, to maintain and build their relationships with one another. It’s just twice a month, an hour each time, and the children are so excited for each visit. I’m glad for them that it’s such a nice experience

Their parents bring snacks for the visit, and they also come home with snacks and presents. After one visit, ds6 had stomach pains for hours. He told me his stomach hurt because he ate so many treats. He was crying in pain all evening and woke up twice crying from stomach pains in the middle of the night; then he stayed home with a fever the next day. My social worker told me it was appropriate to let the social worker at the center know so the parents would have helpful feedback.

Each time they come out from a visit, each of the twins are holding family size bags of snacks instead of small individual bags. (That doesn’t include what they eat during the visit.) Knowing what amount is appropriate for young children isn’t intuitive or obvious to everyone. At the beginning of a visit, I told the visitation social worker how sick ds6 had been and requested that the parents give a smaller quantity of snacks; she shrugged and said she didn’t think they were eating too many snacks. Just an hour later dd6 came out of her visit and told me that her stomach was hurting.

I think it would be a kindness to let the parents to know things like their shoe size and what toys are appropriate for their age – they’re buying the gifts and shoes anyway – but the social worker doesn’t seem interested in sharing feedback with them. I don’t feel it’s fair to the parents or the children not to give them appropriate information. The parents give gifts that are minimally used and don’t garner much excitement, and the children get things that are of minimal value to them.

When dd6 received sandals that were too small, she was so excited that I let her wear them to school for a week, even though her toes were sticking out over the top. But after that, I put them away because they weren’t suitable. If they fit her, I would have had her wear them to each visit so her parents could have the pleasure of seeing her enjoy the shoes they bought.

Then two months later they were given flip flops – again, too small. If they had been told the childrens’ shoe size after the first pair of shoes were purchased, these flip flops would have been a gift the children could have enjoyed more. And the toys they are given … it’s a waste of their resources to give things that are hardly looked at after the first day.

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A couple of weeks ago it was their birthday, and on the drive there the children were excitedly detailing all the things their parents would bring them: bicycles and scooters and cake and balloons and treats and more. I cautioned them that it might be different than that and they’d have to wait to see what their parents brought.

Unfortunately, after arriving at the building we learned their parents wouldn’t be coming. When the social worker called to find out when they would be arriving, they told her they had called in advance to notify them that they wouldn’t be there that day, but if that was the case, no one got the message.

As you can imagine, this was particularly disappointing and painful for the children. There is always a lot of anticipation the day of the visit, and this time there was even more because of the birthday. While generally I don’t see any negative behaviors after the visits, that time it was really hard. Ds6 repeatedly cried for his father and for the entire afternoon and next day repeatedly insisted he had to see his parents.

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When I looked at the Facebook account of their parents, I saw a post in honor of their birthday: past pictures of the parents together with the children (all taken at the mediation center) and the mother’s beautiful declaration of love for her children. Following that were comments, one of which was, “The most perfect family ever!”

The father’s account had an equally beautiful declaration of love for them on their birthday, concluding with, “Dear children, all you have to do is keep growing and smiling. Leave all the rest to abba and imma, we’re taking care of everything for you.”

There’s no mention on either of their Facebook pages about the children being removed from their care, nor that they missed that important birthday visit. I found it so reflective of the artificial and manipulated world of social media that people can post a picture of their beautiful family and have gushing positive responses, while the well-cared for children they see are those I care for in my home, in the clothing I bought and dressed them in.

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While there are minor blips in the visitation experience, I’m appreciative that they have supervised visitations rather than in-home visits. Another foster mother told me of the difficulty in sending her foster children back to a violent home each Shabbos. They would come back agitated and stressed, and by the time they would calm down, it was time for the next visit. I’m so grateful we don’t have to deal with anything like that.

Avivah

Our wonderful new family additions

Parenting

On Shabbos at 12:15 pm, our second daughter gave birth to a son (her third child, second son). Less than 24 hours later, our oldest daughter gave birth to a daughter (her fourth child, second daughter).

For those who are wondering, yes – these are the sisters who got married twelve days apart, had their first daughters 14 weeks apart, their sons two weeks apart – and now these children born within 24 hours.

It took twenty three years for our first eleven children to be born. Having grandchildren accelerates the rate of our family expansion, and it’s taken just six years for the number of grandchildren to match the number of our children. Bli ayin hara. There are now all of these wonderful children to have relationships with.

Since my oldest son and youngest married daughter were visiting when our newest granddaughter was born, they were all able to see her a few hours later.

New granddaughter, three hours old

We’ll have to wait a few days to see our new grandson; I’ll be traveling to Jerusalem on Wednesday and will see him then. The older boys will go for Shabbos to be there for the bris.

When starting this blog seventeen years ago, I kind of wondered what our family would look like in the future, but my mental picture has paled next to the reality. It’s been astounding and humbling to watch how our lives have unfolded and our family has grown.

Avivah

Seeking charedi foster family for ten year old twins

Parenting

I received this message from two different people so far, and am sharing it here to help spread the information to those who might be in a position to assist.

>> Looking for a warm and supportive Chareidi foster family for a pair of twins about 10 years old who are now in the jurisdiction of the welfare authorities after their family suffered a major crisis.
The authorities claim that they have not yet found a Chareidi foster family that matches their lifestyle and they are recommending a family with a different lifestyle. If you know of a chareidi family interested in fostering these children, please call Tal. 02-594-0880, only between the hours of 12.00 and 13.00. <<

The unfortunate reality is that there is a shortage of charedi foster families, and often the only option is to place charedi children with foster families who have a different religious environment. This is something that ds6’s bio parents discovered when they were looking for a family for him – that almost none of the available religious foster families were charedi.

To foster a child is a tremendous chesed; you can potentially dramatically change their life trajectory for the better. As a strong proponent of win-win, I would caution that it’s important to understand what the background and needs of the children are and to consider carefully if this is something you can do, so that it will be as positive an experience as possible for everyone involved. This is a huge commitment and someone should go in with their eyes wide open, with a realistic idea of what is involved. (I am available to discuss this if you have spoken to the person listed above and are seriously interested in taking these children in.)

I don’t know anything about this situation but perhaps one of you knows someone who can help. The message has been sent to me in English and Hebrew, which makes me wonder if the children might be English speakers, but that would definitely be one of the things that would need to be clarified.

Avivah

Our teen boys keeping busy with chesed

Parenting

We had a difficult couple of weeks after the bedroom change that I mentioned in my last recent post. Thankfully over the last week we’ve shifted into summer vacation with the arrival of my two sons who are usually away at yeshiva and the presence of our other two sons who sleep at home but are not around most of the day.

The younger children are so happy to have them all here; the older boys are all great with kids and are warm and caring older brothers. Since they willingly spend time with their younger siblings, it makes my life much easier. Especially with everyone home from school for the month of August, it’s extremely helpful and appreciated as it gives me a break during the day.

There was a bit of a delay in everyone being here at once, because ds17 stayed away a few days longer in order to help my oldest son do some renovations on their new home. Their home comes with a porch that was designed to be able to easily convert to an additional bedroom, and they needed to tile the floor and close in the room before they move in.

After working with my oldest, ds17 came home Sunday; that same day ds15 and ds14 left to continue working on the renovations for the next couple of days. Ds15 came home first, and ds14 stayed another day to finish up. They got a lot accomplished together. We’ve done a lot of DIY renovations on our homes over the years, and it makes me very happy for my current teens to have the skills and experience to help their older brother do this work.

I’m also very grateful to Hashem that after six years of marriage, our son and his wife are going to be moving into their own home. I’ve been so encouraged to see how Hashem has made everything work out for them – beginning with them signing the day before the price went up on the same apartment style by 100,000 shekels. Then a month later, it was another 100,000 higher, and a month later, another 100,000 higher. They had fortuitous ‘timing’ (more accurately, divine intervention) each step along the way.

When we talked about leaving RBS, my husband and I discussed the likelihood of any of our children one day living there. We didn’t want to leave if any of our then married children would move there. It didn’t seem like any of them would be interested in living there, and our oldest son definitively told me it wasn’t a match for them. Then a development that is more like a new city than a new neighborhood was planned and less than a year after we moved away, my son and his wife bought their home on paper (in the planning stage) in RBS-D. After two and a half years of waiting for it to be built, they’re moving in this week.

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The last couple of years, my teen boys have spent their summer vacation mornings busy learning in shul – my seventeen year old son has organized ‘yeshivas bein hazmanim’ during every vacation for the last couple of years, taking over for my son who did it before he got married.

I was glad when he told me he wouldn’t be doing it again this year – it’s so much work: he does the fundraising, shops for food, makes breakfasts for everyone who comes, gives a class for the younger boys, and takes them on trips. The kids enjoy it and though I sometimes wondered if parents took it for granted, he knew the boys appreciated it and felt the satisfaction of doing something that was needed.

Boys have approached my other sons wanting to know if it’s true that ds17 wasn’t going to be running it this summer, and asking him to please do it. He continued to answer that he wouldn’t be running it this year.

A couple of days ago a parent approached him and he agreed to run it again, but he assured me it will be structured differently and it make fewer demands on him. This is something that won’t happen if he doesn’t do it, and now even after telling me that during his past vacations he didn’t have time to do things that were important for him because he spent so much time organizing, he’ll be doing it again this summer.

Though I would prefer he doesn’t do it because I saw the pressure it’s created in the past, it does seem like the changes will make it better for him. I can’t complain about him being community-minded since that’s something I value, and I do see having opportunities to step up and do things that others aren’t doing is a plus in living where I do.

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For the past couple of years, our teens have spent their mornings learning and then worked in vacation rentals. There is so much work but not enough capable people who are willing to do the work, and they could all fill every day with work if they wanted.

Though they are all responsible for earning the money they need during the year, this year they’ve all decided they want to cut down on the work they do so they can enjoy their vacation more and spend time together.

It’s not that they mind working hard, since part of their time together has been lots of volunteer work at our shul. Our shul has undergone major renovations and when they’ve needed manpower, they regularly turn to our boys for help. (They call them directly; they don’t even call me or my husband anymore!) Yesterday was a particularly intense day, as they’re working hard to be able to use it for this Shabbos, after weeks of being in an alternate location.

The boys are not sure that’s going to be possible because there’s still so much to do. I guess we’ll see tonight!

Avivah

Foster care – first committee meeting for twins

Foster Care, Parenting

It’s really interesting for me to be in the middle of the management meetings for two very different foster care placements.

The reasons that ds6 and the twins came into foster care were very different, and legally that has ramifications for how their cases are handled, as I’m seeing with the committee meetings for each of them taking place one day after another. The twins’ case is considered complex so there are extra voices involved in what happens with them.

The social worker called at the end of last week to review the details of the meeting and give me my new ‘to do’ list.

The meeting began with her report, in which she shared how the twins were when they came, and how they’re doing now. She gave a number of specific examples of improvements of what their behaviors were and what they are now. All markers of well-being are improved, some dramatically so.

If you expected the committee to be relieved or even pleased to hear the children have had a good transition and are thriving – they’re not.

Her report was challenged. Two people in attendance said it can’t be that so much change would be possible in this time period. Bad behaviors can’t just disappear. Their explanation? The behaviors must be happening and either I’m not seeing it, or I’m seeing it and not reporting it. The social worker told them that’s not likely being that we supervise them so closely around the clock, and told them to come and meet us and see the kids to see for themselves.

Then there were a couple of things they’re unhappy about:

–I didn’t yet have a meeting with the parenting instructor, and they want that person to come and see the children in person. This is the first time I was hearing that she needs to see them; that was never part of the conversation before. I don’t mind, though. Whoever wants can come and see them.

I told them previously I was willing to set up a meeting and they said the therapist would be in touch with me. She called yesterday morning, and my husband and I had a meeting with her last night.

–The children are sleeping in the same room. When I originally was asked about taking the children, I asked if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. If I had been told they needed rooms of their own, that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t have been able to agree to have them. Right before they came, there was a sudden demand that they be split up and given different rooms. I told my social worker I couldn’t accommodate that, and she said we could put it to the side.

Well, someone on the committee is furious and my social worker has said they’re willing to pull the kids from us and send them to separate homes rather than leave them in the same room.

Whether I like or agree with it or not, I’m not going to play with the lives of the twins; that’s for the committee members to do. So at this point I have to find a way to accommodate them.

Since I don’t have extra bedrooms available, the only possible option is to put ds5 in the same room as ds11 and ds6, and give dd5 her own room. I couldn’t have done this before knowing the children, because I wouldn’t have put our boys at risk by having them share a room with a child with unknown behavior. Now that the twins have been here for eleven weeks, safety is no longer a concern.

I switched the sleeping arrangements that same day my social worker called even though it’s better for all of the children involved to leave the sleeping arrangements as they are. People who don’t know the children are making these decisions based on concerns that aren’t relevant and that’s frustrating for me.

Sharing a room has been very comforting for the twins. They came unable to get along with one another and the previous dynamic between them puzzled me, because it was so much the opposite of what I would have anticipated in a scenario like theirs.

Whatever their relationship was, we’re constantly guiding them in how to interact appropriately, and now they get along well, look out for each other, and enjoy spending time together. Dd5 does not want to sleep in a room by herself; she gets scared and lonely when she’s alone and when I told her she’s going to have her teddy bear with her, that was scant consolation. It’s been a few nights now and she keeps asking me why she has to sleep alone.

As far as moving ds5 into the boys’ room, I had a few reasons I preferred he not be there.

Until now the boys’ room was their sanctuary where they could go when they wanted to play together without the twins, without anyone touching their things. They could close the door and no one could come in without their permission. This personal space was important for them; I wanted them to know that their space, their toys, and their relationship with one another didn’t have to be shared.

Now that ds5 is in that room, it’s hard for everyone involved to have any privacy. Ds5 doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries or an internal sense of what appropriate usage of items is. He touches everything and needs very close guidance as to what can be used and how it can be used.

Previously he had a room that was his, he knew it was his stuff and he could touch whatever he wanted. Not only that, he could tell others to stay out if he wanted – they had to honor his boundaries, just like he had to honor their boundaries if they didn’t want him to come into their room. All of that was very good and healthy.

Now he’s in a room with things that are mostly off limits to him, that are special to ds11 and ds6. It’s already created so many conflicts…Ds6 is really struggling emotionally, whereas until this bedroom switch he was doing great. The social worker was amazed by his ability to sincerely welcome and include the twins, without feeling his place had been stolen.

We’ve focused from the time they’ve come on giving him tons of time and attention, and he’s felt secure with them being here. Until now. In the last few days he’s been crying often, getting hurt and insulted over very little things, getting upset at the twins for little things, constantly snatching his toys way and telling them not to touch them, and is generally unhappy. This is a child with a very sunny and easygoing nature. It hurts me to see him struggling. We’re doing our best to support everyone’s adjustment and hopefully soon they’ll all get used to it.

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A positive development that came up was that both twins will be placed in a new gan safa (kindergarten with extra supports) that will be opening in Yavneel. I’ve been trying and trying to find schools for them for the coming year and had no luck, so on one hand I’m relieved.

On the other hand, I don’t want them both in the same small class because it isn’t healthy for them – they need their time apart to develop their own relationships and this will push dd5 into a caregiving role for ds5 for the hours they are at school.

The concern of the two of them being in the same class was also discussed at the meeting. The brilliant committee minds found a perfect solution: since dd5 is on a higher level, they decided she can stay in this kindergarten for a few months, then be moved to a regular kindergarten without any supports.

I don’t want to say more than that’s not a plan that will be positive for her. But I’m continuing to trust that it will all work out for the best. Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.

(Update: Immediately after publishing this, I got an update from the social worker that there’s another change happening now – since dd5 is the only girl out of nine children registered for this kindergarten, they’re going to place her in a regular kindergarten instead. The twins won’t be together, which is really good, and she won’t have to make a switch in the middle of the year, which is also good, but she will be in a large class without the supports that she is supposed to have.)

In response to the question previously asked in the comment section: are the social workers pleased with how well the twins are doing?

At this meeting, it doesn’t seem any appreciation for or positivity about their progress was noted and instead they are skeptical that they could be doing so well because they ‘know’ these kids are difficult.

Time will do its work. Right now there’s a lot of oversight because it’s a new placement and the committee members have a lot of concerns based on the past. Hopefully as things fall into place and they see that we’re working with them, they’ll become more relaxed, and future committee meetings will be more positive.

Avivah

Foster care – first committee meeting for ds6

Foster Care, Parenting, Trisomy 21

This week I attended my first foster care committee meeting for ds6. These are supposed to take place yearly with representatives from social services, the foster care agency and the birth parents.

Somehow his case has fallen through the cracks and I learned only after the meeting concluded that there haven’t been any meetings regarding him for years. I didn’t know about this since I’m usually not expected to attend, and wouldn’t be notified. (In fact, the yearly meeting for the twins was held the day before this meeting, and I only found out about it because I happened to call our social worker and she mentioned she was in a different city waiting for it to begin.)

About sixteen months ago, ds6’s Israeli medical insurance was dropped; his file was sealed and unable to be accessed. When trying to figure out what was going on, I learned that the National Insurance blocked his account and it was related to his bio parents not being citizens. This issue can only be remedied by them getting him a passport of their nationality and then applying for a visa. I spoke to them about it last June; for whatever reason, it has yet to happen.

It’s been a major concern for us that ds6 hasn’t had medical insurance for so long, and a major frustration that no action has been taken to resolve the issue. By leaving this unresolved for so long, it feels like there’s no concern for him or us.

Discussing this topic and getting a commitment to get his legal paperwork in order was the first priority for this meeting.

The second was the issue of visitation. Before ds6 was placed with us, we met with his bio parents privately. At that time, they said they would be interested in coming as often as every week, but not less often than every month. I told them we welcomed their visits as often as they wanted to come. They came once a week for the first two weeks, then came to our oldest son’s wedding a couple of months later.

When we were at our oldest son’s chupa, they took him from the babysitter to spend time with him. If I had been asked I would have been fine with them spending time with him, but wasn’t comfortable that it was done without asking me, without me knowing or seeing, not even mentioning it afterward. That was the last ‘visit’ until he was almost three.

At that point, we requested a meeting with them to discuss our desire to adopt ds6. They came to Beit Shemesh, where we were living at the time, and after a long discussion said they weren’t willing to consider it. Afterward, they asked if they could see ds. We weren’t expecting that, but agreed so we all drove to our home.

First they sat with him in our garden, where they said they were uncomfortable because of the sun. Then they sat on our porch where they were uncomfortable for another reason. They really wanted to take him somewhere by themselves, so I said they could take him to the park down the street, which was a familiar place for him. Ten minutes later, they were back knocking on our door, telling me he started crying as soon as he realized I wasn’t there.

That ten minute visit took place almost four years ago, and they haven’t seen him since.

The more I’ve learned about adoption and foster care issues of attachment and abandonment, the more important I think it is for ds6 to have a relationship with them. Though in the early years I didn’t mind not having them involved if that was what they chose, I’ve increasingly come to believe that it’s better for him to know his bio parents if at all possible.

As such, I’ve made a strong request for regular visitation from them – whatever regular would mean to them – once a year would be fine if that’s all they could commit to.

Visitation was thus the second issue of discussion at the meeting.

When asked questions about their visitations, they were evasive until when pressed, finally said it had been years since they saw ds6. When asked why they didn’t visit, the bio mother said she doesn’t come because she feels like I don’t want her there.

Whenever I’ve asked about visitation with the father in direct phone conversations, he’s told me it’s too emotional for his wife and she doesn’t want to see him, so I understood there was an emotional component that made it too painful for her.

I was very taken aback to be blamed for their absence in the life of ds6 – I wish I would have been able to maintain a poker face when hearing this. That response and some others I was uncomfortable with have given me a lot to reflect on.

The head social worker then brought up adoption, telling them if they have no intention of taking ds6 back, then they should let us adopt him so he can have the security of being a legal part of our family. I had asked my social worker not to pursue the adoption conversation at this time, wanting to stick to the two above issues, and wasn’t happy when it was raised. But after thinking beyond my discomfort, it was good that it came up again and it’s part of the official record now.

The follow up meeting was scheduled for six months from now, rather than the common yearly spacing. They explained to me afterward that they wanted to put out the idea of adoption to give the bio parents time to consider it, and scheduled the meeting for six months out in order to pursue that conversation.

His bio parents told us from the beginning that their intention was to place him with us for the long term. We’ve wanted to adopt him for a very, very long time. Everyone in our family sees him as a family member the same as anyone born into the family; the foster care status is just a technicality to us.

The only reason that he hasn’t been adopted has been their refusal. Out of respect for them, we haven’t been willing to force the issue though the law would support our position if we did. Another mother in a similar situation who recently adopted told me to push for the termination of parental rights, but I told her the court can make that decision and I’m not going to push that agenda.

I was frustrated at the conclusion of the meeting that nothing definitive had been agreed upon regarding visitation – they said they’d rather not visit and don’t see the need for it, and it was left like that. The social workers told me bio parents can’t be forced to visit their child. I suppose that’s true, but I’ve never met another foster family in the situation of the bio parents never coming to visit.

It was a three and a half hour trip to get there, so I was physically tired before I walked in the door, but I was emotionally exhausted and frustrated after participating. My social worker said it was a very important meeting and that it was important that I was there. We’ll see in another six months what happens.

Avivah

Foster care – Two more summer birthdays and two month update

Foster Care, Parenting

A couple of weeks ago I attended five end-of-the-year parties in a ten day period – four for our children, and one for a granddaughter. It was especially busy since all of the parties were in cities an hour drive away, except for our granddaughter, who is in Jerusalem. (I went to see our new granddaughter for the first time and then went to the party afterward).

Our first eleven children were born in ten different months; the exception is two birthdays in July. The summer is our busiest time for family birthdays, and with the twins’ birthday coming up in a month, it’s getting even busier.

I moved directly from being busy with end-of-year parties to being busy with birthday parties for the younger children. Ds11 celebrated his birthday in school a week ago and this Shabbos we’ll do his birthday circle. The twins will be on vacation when it’s their birthday, and since I think it’s important for them to celebrate with their current friends and teachers, I arranged with each of their teachers to have their class parties in the next few days.

Along with parties comes baking birthday cakes. I made ds11 a double layer cake with frosting and intended to do something similar for the twins. My oldest daughter lives locally and invited ds11 over yesterday for special time to bake a birthday cake together with her. I asked her if she could triple the recipe and make three cakes, and she agreed.

However, instead she made three completely different cakes. This morning when I showed ds5 his bulldozer cake, he was so excited! His face was shining.

Dd5 is asking about her cake (it’s still at my daughter’s house for finishing touches); she asked repeatedly for Hello Kitty which I have no idea how to make and wouldn’t have done, but my daughter did. I want it to be a surprise when she sees it so I’m not mentioning anything.

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Two months have passed since the twins joined our family, and it’s remarkable how much more normal it feels to have them with us.

In every new situation, beginnings are difficult, and our first weeks were challenging and exhausting, as I’ve shared. As time has gone by, my husband and I agreed that it no longer feels as hard having them.

The twins are SO much more relaxed and calm.

A few days ago, ds5 was overtired and when I took him to a room for some quiet time, he spent over an hour and a half screaming, flailing his entire body, kicking the bed he was on and punching the wall repeatedly before falling asleep in exhaustion (I stayed next to him the entire time). It was a good reminder of how far he’s come – in the beginning this happened at least once a day, but it’s been weeks since this has happened. When he’s tired, it’s usually very manageable with some hugs and extra attention.

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Dd5 slipped and hit her head hard a couple of days ago. She was just calming down when the social worker arrived. At that point, she switched to fake crying (it was obvious to the social worker, too) and continued for the next hour and forty five minute visit, sitting on my lap the entire time. Just as the social worker left, she began vomiting from crying so long and fell asleep.

She’s never cried this long before, though she used to fake cry a lot about a lot of things. When she first arrived, I noticed that she got hurt often and every little scratch was a topic of conversation for days. I inferred that something about getting hurt brought her the attention she sought in the past.

Her response to getting hurt has shifted a lot. She no longer talks all the time about all the things that hurt her and how it happened. She comes to me if she falls or gets hurt in some other way, and after some empathy, generally moves on to the next thing.

Dd5 used to seek contact non-stop and now that’s also dramatically improved. She used to need to touch me and talk to me all day long; even if I was napping, she would insistently wake me up to get that contact. I give a lot of hugs and squeezes throughout the day, and especially before bed. Now when I’m resting, she looks into my room and seeing me is enough for her to run off and continue her activities, even if my eyes are closed and I don’t look at her.

It wasn’t only me that she sought so much contact with, but everyone in her radius. Her indiscriminate seeking of connection was my biggest concern for her, as it would make her a target for predators.

This behavior was a significant factor in my consideration to bring the twins into our family – we were originally approached because they had a potential family for dd5 in our area and wanted to know if we would take ds5 so the twins could stay in the same area. When I heard the family willing to take her had an older foster son with challenging behaviors, I felt alarmed thinking of of a young girl with disordered attachment in that scenario.

A family member was here weeks ago and expressed concern about the seeking behavior she witnessed. I reassured her we understood it and were addressing it. She came to visit last week and commented how big a change there’s been and that she no longer sees anything out of the norm.

As things have settled down, as we’ve all gotten used to one another and established a daily and weekly flow, we’ve seen so many positive shifts in so many ways, much more than what I’ve shared about here. I no longer feel we’re constantly dealing with trauma responses but rather have shifted into mostly typical kid behavior.

Parenting the twins (and all of our children) isn’t effortless by any means. But emotionally it no longer feels like constant work. Attachment is the glue that smooths the hard places in relationships; with attachment comes good intentions, the desire to please and the willingness to overlook missteps (on both the side of the parent and child), all of which go very far in creating a positive environment. We love them and they love us, and that attachment is working well for all of us.

Avivah

Do you have to be a special person to be a foster parent?

Foster Care, Parenting

>> I don’t know much about foster care but it seems like you need to be qualified for such work.  Is there training or it’s just people who really care about the children? <<

While there’s a process to qualify to become a foster parent, it’s more about them investigating you than teaching you about what’s involved and how to deal with the issues that will arise.

While in the US there are trainings for foster parents, here in Israel it’s very unfortunate for the children and for foster parents that there is almost no training nor support groups in my part of the country at this time. I don’t know if it’s different in other areas.

I did a two day mandatory training about nine months after ds6 came to us, but that was a one time event. I found it helpful for understanding a bit of the perspective of a child coming into foster care, but it came up short for how to deal with issues that arise.

Basically you learn in the training that you can’t punish, yell, get upset, threaten, hit, etc. So what do you do? Our past social worker was the trainer for the two day event, and when we had our final meeting before we moved, told me how much she learned from me. I think that’s because the majority of social workers may be able to talk about how to parent kids without punishments and threats, but they don’t have hands-on experience doing it – even those who train foster parents. But I’ve been parenting like this for a long time.

People are hopefully well-intended when they become foster parents, but without understanding the needs of the children and how to address them, they may be operating under a romantic vision of rescuing a child and that rainbow colored picture often doesn’t give enough stamina to cope day to day. I don’t believe in the white knight savior fantasy; if you build yourself up with thoughts of how amazing you are, you’re going to fall down that much faster and become very disillusioned.

I hope I’m not sounding negative because that’s really not my intention. It’s just so critical that people understand and be prepared for the reality, or it can have tragic results.

When I spoke with the twins’ temporary foster mother last week, she shared that she had two foster children who were placed with what was intended to be a long term family. Several months later, not being able to deal with the kids, they returned them. Children aren’t parcels to be sent here and there; this can and does cause lasting emotional damage to them.

I’m guessing the family was expecting the rose colored vision and were unprepared for the reality. If they had appropriate guidance, they might have recognized before committing to give the children a home, that it was too much for them. Or they may have gotten the help they needed to effectively address the challenges that came up, and been able to build a healthy family together.

Please don’t think I’m implying that children in foster care aren’t awesome human beings! They are kids whose families have failed them. There are different ways that can manifest, but for healing to occur, they need specific ways of parenting. Even if healing isn’t a goal, sloppy parenting will show its limitations very quickly and get in the way of a functional family life. Even worse, it can cause more damage to the children.

Some people have an intuitive understanding of what kids from hard places may be feeling, and can easily find compassion to address their needs appropriately. Most of us, though, get frustrated and confused about how to deal with issues without our own egos getting in the way, and we benefit from guidance and direction.

I’ve just been notified that due to the complexity of the twins’ situation, I’m going to be the recipient of parenting sessions. I suggested that it would have been appropriate for them to offer these sessions before and right after the twins arrived for us to be prepared, rather than wait three months after their arrival. They responded that they didn’t know what the children were like so sessions wouldn’t have helped, which made no sense to me, since they still haven’t met met the children, they’re not going to meet the children, and will continue to have no idea what they’re like beyond what I tell them. You don’t have to know the children to teach principles of trauma informed parenting. Fortunately I did my own research and study.

Though I’m always interested in learning more, these sessions involve weekly appointments over 45 minutes away in each direction, beginning during summer vacation when I have no one to watch the kids when I’m gone. We may be able to do the first one in person and continue on Zoom if traveling is too difficult, but right now these feel more like a burden than a help, and I can’t commit to even a first time meeting once the kids are home. I’ve requested a deferral of the parenting sessions until the school year begins and the kids are all back in school, and now have an appointment for the middle of September.

Another foster mother told me these sessions were helpful for her to deal with her biological children’s difficulties that came up when her foster son came to live with them, but did nothing to help her with his behaviors. I feel pretty comfortable dealing with our biological children as well as the twins, and right now my cost – benefit analysis of the offer comes out to it being more of a stress than a help.

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>>I’m curious if the social workers have commented on the tremendous growth you’re seeing.<<

Our social worker took the twins onto her caseload when they moved here, so she had no previous experience with them until then. All she knows about them is what is written into their paperwork and what was discussed in the group meetings I had with social workers, which wasn’t encouraging. Once they moved, their previous social worker no longer has contact with them – she’s the one who would really notice the changes.

Dd5 came home from kindergarten a few days ago with this – seemingly she asked her teacher to help her write it

However, our social worker is the one who needs to document their behaviors and she’s been very positive. The most problematic behavior that used to be seen daily has never happened since they came here, and there have been noticeable improvements in every area. She is convinced the changes are because of how we interact with them.

Today I gave the mother of one of ds11’s classmates a ride. We originally met in Beit Shemesh, when she gave birth to a child with T21, then fostered another a short time later – our younger boys were in classes adjacent to one another. Fast forward to now, we’re both living in northern Israel and our older boys are classmates.

She switched to the same foster care agency as me, and we now have the same social worker. She told me our social worker can’t say enough good about our family, that she’s so impressed. She told her she almost cries when she visits us and sees how the twins are doing. (Our social worker originally didn’t mention us by name, but this woman figured out who she was referring to, based on knowing us and me having mentioned to her right after we got the initial call that we were considering taking two children.) What you hear second hand isn’t always positive, so this was very nice feedback to hear!

While it’s good that the social workers are impressed or happy or relieved about how well the twins are doing, what I care about much more is how the twins feel about being here. Tonight I was doing bedtime when ds5 put his arms around my neck, looked me in the eyes, said, “I love you,” and kissed me on the cheek. While dd5 rattles off ‘I love yous’ more casually, he keeps his feelings to himself much more and when he said this, I could sense how deeply he felt it.

The successes can be subtle- my daughter from Jerusalem was visiting for a few hours today. She came for Shabbos a couple of weeks after the twins arrived, and found it overstimulating and overwhelming. Today she commented on how much calmer they are. It’s a very nice difference. While that may seem like a small thing, it’s only when a child feels safe that they can release some of the endless seeking and need for constant reassurance.

Avivah