Tag Archives: jewish homeschool

Feeling overwhelmed

homeschooling, parenting,

>>Right now my oldest son is 5 daughter 3 and son  about 15 months.  I am finding it very hard to cope.  I am not especially organized by nature but I was not a terrible slob either.  Now I feel so overwhelmed by the constant mess and piles everywhere and boxes of unsorted stuff, and the constant needing to feed and dress them and everything.  I am also in my first trimester. 

I am very far from my ideal.  I want to be organized.  I want to have a place for everything and be on top of housework, with getting the kids involved in a loving, supportive way.  I want to get out of this depresssing mess.  I am finding it very hard to be home with them all.  I am so unhappy being a mother.    Right now I like the concept of homeschooling more than the reality of being home with my kids.   it gets very hard.  When they start fighting, when the one year old is climbing on the table or pulling things down from teh table and  always this internal critic that it’s my fault for not better handling it for being proactive etc .  Of course there must be solutions and I want to change and I don’t want to be so stressed and miserable. I don’t know where to start.  <<

I’ve had times I’ve felt like this, too!  Being a mother is a hard job, and it’s very common to feel like we’re just not making the grade – I’m pretty confident that most people reading this have felt this way at times.  The very first place to start is to stop beating yourself up for not being perfect.  This is really the most important thing you can do; accept that you have limitations and love yourself as you are.  That’s lots easier to say than to do, isn’t it?

We mothers tend to expect way too much of ourselves, and give ourselves very little recognition for all that we do.  You don’t hear much talk or validation of the huge amount of work mothers need to do day in and day out just to keep things functional.  Functional, not sparkling or perfect.  Just making sure everyone is fed and has clean clothes to wear is a lot of work.  We want to raise our children with joy and love, but sometimes the things we feel need to get done get in the way of that.  

 There’s also the physical reality that being pregnant takes a lot of energy.   The first trimester is especially tiring, and my memory of that stage this most recent time around is spending most of the day in the reliner in my living room. 🙂   But whether pregnant or not, when we build up in our minds how well everyone else is managing and how we can’t compare, we end up feeling inadequate and dissatisfied with ourselves.  

Sometimes we think that the only way we’ll improve is by looking at all of our imperfections, but it’s not true.  It’s demotivating to think of ourselves as failures and that no matter what we do, we’ll still keep falling short.  It’s much more effective to recognize what we do well and build on it.  Self-love builds us up, self-criticism breaks us down.

You might be hoping for organizational tips to help you get things in order (and I’ve shared different tips in the homemaking category that you can look at if you want), but I have a very strong sense that you’re at least average in how you’re managing your home.  So the real issue isn’t what you’re actually doing but how you feel about what you’re doing. 

That means that meaningful improvement is going to come from you changing your way of thinking about yourself, not from running faster, trying harder, or working longer.  Look at yourself in the mirror when you get up and then later before you go to bed, and say, “I love and approve of myself.”  Fifteen times in the morning, fifteen times in the evening.  If you’re uncomfortable with the mirror, then say it to yourself in your mind – at least a hundred times a day.  There’s a lot of negative programming we need to overcome and the only way to do it is to recognize it for what it is, and reprogram ourselves with thoughts that better serve us. 

Practically speaking, when feeling overwhelmed by all the work around us, I’ve found I do best when I just do something.  Every box you organize will make a dent in what needs to be done and give you a sense of accomplishment (though you’ll need to remember to give yourself credit for it instead of thinking that it’s inadequate because there’s so much more to do).  I have to periodically remind myself that the reality of life with small children means constant messes and ongoing organizational work no matter how organized you are. 

The stage of having several small children is in my opinion the hardest in many ways.  I found things started getting significantly easier for me when my oldest was 5.5.  I had a long space between a couple of my kids and it was much, much easier to manage six kids with the youngest being close to four than when most of them were under four!  Kids grow up, we improve our skills, and things really do get easier.

Avivah

Distinguishing between limudei kodesh and chol

homeschooling, ,

>> do you distinguish between limudei kodesh and limudei chol? I haven’t listened to your husband’s talk yet, so if he addresses it, you don’t have to answer this one.<<

This question came from someone who listened to a recording of the talk I gave at the homeschool conference in June.  In that, I explained my approach of how to teach children of varying ages different subjects.  I specifically didn’t speak much about the limudei kodesh, since my husband was giving a talk about that and I didn’t want it to be redundant for those attending both talks.  But because he spoke more about the holistic approach to Judaics, I really could have talked about how I handle the specific skill building without preempting him – I didn’t know how he’d handle the topic, though, so I erred on the side of caution.

If I’m understanding the intent of the question correctly (and I’m not sure that I am), I don’t very much distinguish between Judaic and secular learning in terms of how I approach it.  I use pretty much the same approach for all that we learn – I strive for an integrated and meaningful way of learning for whatever we do.  The kids learn Hebrew writing just as they do English writing- beginning with a basic workbook to learn letter forms, and then continuing with copywork.  Unlike with English, we do teach Hebrew reading.  We keep it relaxed, using one of three Hebrew primers.   That’s pretty much it for the basic skills necessary before they can use the independent learning approach that I explained in my workshop and have also addressed here on the blog. 

Once the kids have independent learning skills, they go on to do chumash on their own, building their tranlation skills over time and eventually going on to the commentaries.  As they get older, they develop interests and follow through with that – for example, this morning ds10 told me he wants to do more halacha on his own this year.  There are other examples of that, but the point is that children naturally find their interests that relate to Jewish living just as they find interests that relate to other areas.  When a child wants to pursue something, his learning will be much more valuable than if we push it on them because it’s part of a ‘curriculum’.

I see learning as natural and integral to living, and that’s especially true of Jewish learning.  After all, if we’re living a Jewish life based on the Torah, aren’t our days filled with relevant applications?  My husband is great about using the meals to enhance the Jewish content of our learning.  He learns halacha (points of Jewish law) at every meal with the kids, and we do a lot of discussion about holidays, philosophy, etc.   We say tehillim (Psalms) at the end of our dinner meals (not every single night but on a fairly regular basis), and one of the kids leads the tehillim.  This is a natural way that they practice their reading skills and I can assess them without doing anything formal while participating in something our family finds meaningful.

If I downplay the discussions we have on a wide variety of topics, it would really be missing an integral way that we cover a lot of topics.  That’s constant and ongoing.  For example, today we discussed the Jewish view of modesty and makeup usage, using quotes from Chazal (Jewish sages) and the gemara (Talmud).  We also discussed entitlement and financial responsibility (this is a topic I return to again and again), specifically today as how it relates to adult married children and the Torah view.  This is spontaneous and unplanned – if I read an article or post that I think has points to consider, I often read out loud to the kids, and we discuss them.  The older kids particularly enjoy this and so do I – it gives us a chance to talk out ideas and perspectives.

I hope I answered the question, but as always, if something isn’t clear, anyone is welcome to ask!

Avivah   

Getting kids to concentrate on academic work

homeschooling,

>> my biggest question for you is — how do you get your kids to actually concentrate on doing their work? I find that if I just give them something to do without sitting right next to them, they get distracted within the first few minutes, and before I know it, they are drawing on the sides of their notebooks, or reading something else (the 8 y.o.). Did you do anything to increase their attention span? Or is it just my kids that have attention problems? I remember myself in elementary school doing the same thing. It would take me forever to do my homework because in between the two lines that I was supposed to write in my notebook I would spend twice as much time drawing. I guess my kids got it in the genes.<<

There are a few aspects to this answer.  First of all, I really believe very, very strongly in getting your kids on board with whatever you’re doing.  I don’t want them to feel like I’m constantly strong arming them into doing what I want, regardless of their feelings.  So I talk with them at the beginning of each school year about what they want to accomplish academically, and how they want to accomplish it.  I tell them what I want to see them accomplish, what my guidelines are, and why.  A child who thinks what he is doing is relevant and valuable is less likely to dawdle than one who feels there’s not much of a point to what they’re being requested to do.  So getting kids to buy into your vision, and them making it their vision, is the most important part of getting them motivated.

For example, I’ve told them that I feel strong reading skills are very important, and explained why.  Then we discuss how it helps to have good reading skills.  That would be part of getting them on board, helping them to understand where I’m coming from, and they realize it benefits them to develop certain skills.  Then I ask them if they think these are good goals, and ask them how they think they can accomplish them.  I let them know that there’s no pressure on them to come up with an academic plan, and that I can provide them with a curriculum that I’ve designed based on what I think will be good for them, but I’m open to their thoughts and ideas.  Often they’ve said they didn’t care for the books I chose, and gave me suggestions for other books they’d enjoy more.  And I’ve generally accepted their ideas – even if the selections weren’t as challenging as mine – because getting my kids to feel responsible and involved in their education is important to me. 

Second of all, I try to be flexible and realistic about what is appropriate for my kids at each stage. Sometimes a lot of resistance and conflict occurs because a parent is expecting too much of a child.  I see this a lot with homeschoolers, particularly those who are in the first couple of years and haven’t yet found their balance.  Even a motivated child can get worn out and spacey if they’re doing more than what is right for them.  But assuming your expectations are reasonable (and this should be based on who your child is, not what they would be doing in school which is much less relevant than most parents think), sometimes kids space out and take a long time to do things.  It’s not a big deal.  I’m not motivated in every area of my life every day – are you?  And when I have to do something I don’t really want to do, I can procrastinate a lot.  Kids are the same way.

Practically speaking, look around through their eyes.  Is there something very distracting going on?  Are younger siblings running around and making lots of noise?  Are you talking on the phone?  Do they need a work space of their own in a quiet part of the house?  Or maybe they need to have play time before they’re ready for seat work?  Maybe you can change the order of how their time is scheduled.

When it comes to how they spend their time, my kids’ time is mostly their own (I have expectations for chores or other help in the course of a day in addition to academics, but that’s not most of the day).  They can take five hours to copy a few sentences or they can take fifteen minutes.  Sometimes someone balks (this is almost always one of the kids in the 7 – 9 yr age range).  Sometimes I step back to think about if I’m expecting too much; if I think a break would be good, I change my expectation for them.  Sometimes I think they need to develop more perserverance and learn to do things even when it’s not fun, and then I remind them that it’s their choice how much time they spend on their academic work, not mine.  And I remind them that they also are choosing how much time they’ll have later in the day to do fun things, according to how they spend their morning time. 

As a parent, I have to remember that this is their issue, not mine.  I don’t generally have a lot of emotion tied up into how fast or slow anyone does what they have to do; as long as it’s eventually done, it’s fine with me.  We have to be careful not to negatively judge our children because they seem slow or unfocused or lacking in some way.  Kids grow up and mature into better skills, unless they’ve learned that slow and unfocused is what you expect them to be and they continue to play that role to meet your expectations.

So there’s no quick way for me to tell you to get your kids motivated.  It’s a process based on understanding, respect, and communication (like everything, really!).  But give your kids trust, time, and space to grow, and you’ll see them develop skills and abilities that will make you smile. 🙂

Avivah

“I want my sons to have a yeshiva education”

homeschooling, ,

>>My dh said this to me the other day – “I want my sons to have a yeshiva education.”  It’s something that he never had, something he thinks is important.  Now mind you, our sons are 3 and 9 months, so …I think we’re thinking way too far in the future!  Should I just let this go and deal with it when the “time comes,” see where we’re holding then? <<

People tend to build up the things they haven’t had as more important than they are.  For example, my husband has a friend who grew up with very little money, and as an adult this man is in serious debt primarily because of his determination that his children never feel they’re lacking anything.  This man didn’t have money, so he’s overestimated its importance in the life of his children. 

As a homeschooling parent, I particularly appreciate having had a yeshiva education, because I’m very realistic about the benefits and disadvantages of school and that helps me be much more confident about homeschooling.  I’ve found that those who didn’t grow up in the religious world tend to be the insecure about their ability to provide a decent Jewish education, and I think a big part of it is that what the schools actually do is a bit of a mystery to them.  So it gets built up as an unrealistic ideal that parents could never compete with. 

I don’t think you should wait to start discussing your values about education – there’s no time like the present!  If you wait until it’s time to put your kids in school, the likelihood of significant friction between you is very high.  I don’t believe in wishful thinking and I don’t think that people usually change their views significantly unless something pushes them to reconsider. 

At the same time, I don’t think this should be an issue of major intensity right now!  You can take a relaxed attitude towards it, and certainly you don’t need to have a discussion about specifically homeschooling if that’s something he’s resistant to. Before talking about the ‘how’ or ‘where’, you need to talk about ‘why’.  When you understand why a person wants something, that’s when you start to really understand where they’re coming from.  And to have a meaningful and productive discussion, you have to come from a place of understanding and openness. 

I’d suggest clarifying what a yeshiva education means to your husband – you may already know this, but if you haven’t had the discussion, don’t assume you know what his concerns are.  Is it a certain level of skills he wants your sons to have, to fit into society as ‘insiders’ rather than from the outside looking in, or something else?  When you can together identify what he’s afraid your sons will miss out on, then you can begin to talk about other potential ways your children can get those things.  When concerns are vague or intangible it’s very hard to address, and the feeling that somehow he’s missed out and he doesn’t want his children to miss out is going to prevail. 

If when discussing this you focus on the fundamental concerns and emotions and can reflect that you understand where he’s coming from, he’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say.  People need to feel heard and understood before they can be open to truly hearing someone else.  My dh and I have both evolved in our goals for our family, and we’re now reaching those goals in a manner that ten years ago I could never have imagined!  I never would have considered homeschooling without a certain amount of life experience and a lot of thought about what true education entailed.  So that’s just to say that whatever he’s expressing is right now isn’t necessarily going to stay his view forever!

Avivah 

Support for homeschoolers

homeschooling,

Almost a year ago, I decided I wanted to organize the Torah Homeschool Conference that took place in June.  What prompted me to do it was because I get a good number of questions about homeschooling and I wanted to make the support and information available on a larger scale than one on one conversations.  I hear the same questions again and again, and I wanted people to have the chance to speak to and meet others who are homeschooling, for support and encouragement as well as information.   I know that there’s only so many people I can help personally, and I simply can’t spend an hour plus on the phone/computer with every person who calls/emails!

Most of the calls are from people who have no idea what’s involved (haven’t read anything, spoken to anyone, or done any research), and it’s a little frustrating to get these calls knowing how much attending the the conference 5 weeks ago would have helped these people, because it was for this group of people that the conference was in large part intended!  It’s interesting – people could have spent $15 on a conference for the entire day, or buy the mp3s from the conference for $24, but while they’re willing to spend thousands of dollars a year in tuition, the very small cost for educating themselves about homeschooling isn’t worthwhile for them.  Part of that is because they don’t want to think about how to educate, or why to homeschool, but just want a curriculum to follow or to pay me to homeschool their kids.    I think most parents don’t want to put in the time to attend a conference or read books – they want quick answers and easy solutions – something that matches being able to send them out the door to school and let the teachers take care of things.  But homeschooling isn’t like that at all.  Homeschooling is about empowered parents taking responsibility for their children’s needs, and to effectively do that, you have to understand what those needs are.

I asked the woman calling why she wanted to homeschool her child, and she said she didn’t really want to, but her husband wants her to.  They apparently just got their tuition agreement and it’s simply too expensive.  Here in my area, at least two of the main schools just raised the yearly tuition by $1800 or so.  Everyone is in a hard position, including the schools.  Because so many people can’t pay full tuition, they raise the tuition but then it means many of those who were previously able to pay full tuition no longer can.  The solution really has to be thinking an entirely different way about the problem and the solution, not more of the same, but that’s clearly not happening. 

So I got to speak to someone who really doesn’t want to homeschool, doesn’t know anything about what’s involved, but feels like they have to because they can’t afford school.  This isn’t my favorite kind of conversation.  I don’t believe everyone should homeschool, and I’m not trying to convert the world.  What I do is try to support those who want to do it.  But because I know this person will probably end up homeschooling by default, I want to give her at least a chance for it to be a positive experience for her and her child.  And I know that if she does what most people in this position do – copy the schools and look for a curriculum that covers everything in the way the schools would do it without taking into account who her child is and what her personal needs are – they’re both going to be miserable. 

But I don’t think I succeeded.  She asked me several times about my curriculum, and when I told her that I created my own each year for every child, she asked me to give her what I developed for my child at her child’s grade level (because my ‘curriculum’ for first grade is so loose and fluid as to almost not seem to have any structure, I’m positive it wouldn’t have helped her at all).  I understood her asking, but I tried to explain that just because it works for me, it doesn’t mean it will work for her, because I’m coming from a different paradigm of education and have different goals for my kids.  Her main concern was if my kids could keep up with school kids, and while I’m confident that any of my kids could hold their own in school in any area, my goals aren’t about keeping up with the schools.  After explaining all of this, she asked me why I’m unwilling to share my curriculum, as if I was being selfish, but even after trying to explain to her again the personalized angle of homeschooling, she still didn’t get it. 

Fortunately, this is balanced by those who do get it!  It’s the people who sincerely are thinking about how they’re raising their children that I most enjoy speaking to, because I know my breath isn’t wasted on them, regardless of what they decide.  Recently I was told that a couple who attended the conference will be homeschooling because of the help they got there.  It’s hard to homeschool when you don’t know anything about it or know anyone who’s doing it!  Others who send their kids to school told me that they heard perspectives that they can apply for their children, even though they aren’t homeschooling.  This week, someone else called to tell me she will be homeschooling after a conversation we had (not crediting myself or our conversation, though it was helpful to her).  And on Shabbos afternoon, a young mother told me that she’ll be keeping her 2.5 year old son at home another year before enrolling him in preschool.  (She said, “I kept asking people for advice because I really didn’t know what was best for him, but it wasn’t until I spoke to you that I heard something I liked.”)   These are all people who just need someone to give them some practical tips but more than that, who need to be reassured that they’re not crazy for keeping their kids home longer than normal or for learning at home with them.  And for every one of them I’m glad to be able to help. 

I’m so excited about having cds and mp3s available from the conference, because now there’s more information that can be publicly circulated to help people.  I can’t tell you what a nice feeling it is to mail out cds or send the mp3 files and know that parents far away can be supported or encouraged.  Are these cds comprehensive and cover every possible issue?  No, absolutely not.  There are a number of topics that I’d like to still see systematically addressed (two of of these important topics were addressed at the conference but the recordings were lost), but we’ll need cds from at least a few conferences until we get to that point!  But until now, there’s never been anything in the frum community that supports parents who are homeschooling, and it’s gratifying to know that we’re starting to change that!

Avivah

Fostering family connectedness

homeschooling, parenting,

>>i am curious how you foster such a feeling of family connectedness. how do you get your kids to feel like they are all on a team and they need to help each other? perhaps it is a corralary of them growing up all together instead of being farmed out to schools, but your family really seems to band together and i would love to have more of that here. any suggestions??<<

 I addressed this somewhat a year ago – http://vibrantmoms.com/parenting/kids-helping-each-other-and-being-responsive-to-moms-requests/.  But I was thinking more about this.  Sometimes we do things and we’re consciously trying to get certain results, and sometimes we do things and we don’t realize that we’re doing something that’s creating the results.  Was that sentence way too confusing?  🙂 

Anyway, this question falls into the second category for me, so I needed to think about this.  We do have a strong sense of family connectedness, but I didn’t specifically try to create that.  I would tell you that we spend a lot of time together and that we have expectations of how family members treat one another, and my expectation rubs off on everyone.  But that’s not so helpful as a practical suggestion, and since there are families that spend a lot of time together but they don’t feel like a team, it’s not by itself enough.  I do think having a lot of time together is a key component, though – it establishes a framework for everything else to happen in. 

I’ve been thinking about this since I got this question last week.  I asked my husband and he said he thinks we expect everyone to be a team and they are.  But I started listening to myself talk to the kids and realized that the way I talk builds this up.  For example, instead of putting the baby down in his bassinet, I put him on the couch and told my ds3, “Can you take care of your little brother and make sure he doesn’t fall off the couch while I get a drink of water?”  (Baby doesn’t roll and was tucked into the side of the couch away from the floor.)   Did I need him to watch the baby for thirty seconds?  No.  But I try to give them opportunities from the time they’re young to take care of each other. 

When I have something to give to a child, I very often ask one of the kids to give it to the other.  This can be something as simple as giving a sibling a fork or a piece of fruit.  Sometimes this is a help for me and sometimes it would be easier for me to give it to them myself.  But I want them to have the feeling of giving and getting something nice from one another.  If someone gets himself a drink, I’ll suggest they give a sibling a drink, too.  Just now, my ds7 asked if he could peel a carrot for himself.  I told him if he peels one for ds3 also, then it’s fine with me.  I wouldn’t have been likely to have said yes close to dinner to his request for just himself.  So he gets the message that helping his brother helps him, too.  Even with my baby, who’s just 2 months old, when I pass him to his siblings to be held, I tell him how lucky he is to have big brothers and sisters who love him so much.  Little things like this, all day long, day after day really build up the message that we love each other and take care of one another. 

Rav Dessler wrote that giving brings to love.  Culturally, we think of love in terms of what we get from someone, but it’s not true. Why do we love the tiny infant so much, so soon?  Because we’re immersed in giving to him all day long.  The more we give, the more we love, and when we encourage our kids to do things for one another, then that builds the love and connection they feel. 

My part in building this dynamic is to support it from a very young age. I encourage my kids to play mostly with each other and to view friends as supplemental. In fact, if someone isn’t behaving kindly to his sibling, there is no way I will allow him to play with a friend until he has remedied that (and I don’t mean a quick ‘sorry’, either).  They all have friends outside of the home, but the quality of the relationships the kids build while living at home together is the foundation of their adult relationships that they’ll further develop when they get older.  I want my kids to have strong relationships with one another that will be a source of strength and support as they get older.  If it doesn’t begin now, when will it happen? 

Avivah

First grader not up to par academically

homeschooling,

>>One comment in particular is bothering me . I had asked if our son would be welcomed back at a later point should we feel he would be best served in a school. He (principal) said he didn’t have a problem but it was overwhelmingly likely it wouldn’t work as he didn’t think our son would be up to the level of the class. I had mentioned my intention to keep up to the school and align myself with its’ curriculum and while he offered that I could speak to the first grade Rebbe to see what he is doing, the Menahel said it’s more than just curriculum that our son would need to know. He said they stressed skills (which I plan to stress as well) and that the Rebbe was speaking to them throughout the day about yiddishkeit and there was a certain geshmak that is given over in the classroom.  I’m both concerned and confused. On the one hand, it worries me that my son might not be “up to the others” and be unable to be placed back into the school should we choose to. On the other hand, I’m confused as to what could be taught and to what degree that my son could be so behind that he would be unlikely to play “catch-up”. <<

 For the record, this statement was being expressed regarding a six year old.  I find it a bit laughable to talk about how much first graders learn that can’t be learned anywhere else. 

I think it’s important to understand that the principal needs to believe what he’s saying.  After all, school based education is his business and he should believe in the value of the services he’s offering.  What if the principal told you that your child’s emotional needs would be better met at home, that you as a loving and motivated mother can certainly match what the school is doing, and the best learning environment is one where a child is supported and guided according to his individual needs? Wouldn’t there be an issue of cognitive dissonance? 

We all need to accept that regardless of where and how we choose to educate our children, they are going to have gaps.  There’s absolutely no way to be sure a child has learned everything he will need to know in his future life.  That can be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t make us feel that we’re failing our children.  What’s nice about homeschooling is that you have control over what you think is most important and can be sure that’s something you teach.

Practically speaking, all kids of any age really need to know is how to read (English and Hebrew), write (English and Hebrew), and do math.  If they have those skills, learning other things will be easy.  First graders are at the beginning of all of those skills.  As far as the intangibles, which is what I think he was probably referring to, the power of the home is immeasurable.  Think of what the Shabbos table alone can offer kids, and then realize how many more opportunities you’ll have all week long!  There are supplemental materials that I’ve found valuable for my kids, most notably parsha and Jewish story cassettes.  This would be very helpful in supplementing the ‘geshak’ factor, if that’s a concern.  Even if it isn’t, all my kids have loved these and learned lots from them – they put them on during their free time and could literally listen for hours. 

I think educators often overestimate their schools and underestimate the abilities of a student to meet standards that might be different than what he’s accustomed to.  And they definitely, definitely underestimate homeschoolers!  (The advantage of this is that they’ll be really, really suprised when they see how great your kids are and how well they do, and that’s fun to see!)  But honestly, I really wouldn’t worry about this.  If you believe your child will benefit from homeschooling, focus on that.  That is the present reality to be concerned with; do your best to make your homeschooling journey an enjoyable one for you both – the best way to ruin it for everyone is to keep one eye on what the schools are doing and constantly worry that you’re not doing enough.  Either you’ll have a challenge getting your son into this school when you’re ready to reenroll him or you won’t.  If you do, there are lots of other schools, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. 

Meanwhile, just enjoy homeschooling one day at a time!  You’re going to do great and one day in the future you’ll be able to reassure other parents who are in this position with your personal experience!

Avivah 

Sending kids to camp

homeschooling, parenting,

Dd14 is home from four weeks at camp, ds16 is now at camp, and it’s finally time for me to post about camp.  I’ve been pushing this off since last summer because there’s so much to say and I don’t really feel like saying it all! 

>>Can I ask one more thing? I have read in your previous posts that you do not care for some of the Jewish extra-curriculars (Pirchei, plays), but you send your children to sleep away camps. <<

I’ve sometimes been asked about why I send my kids to camp – I’ve gotten the impression from a number of people who asked me this that it’s inconsistent of me to send them to camp if I’m not sending them to school.  Just because something is part of the mainstream doesn’t mean that I’ll have an automatic knee jerk reaction to opt out without considering if there’s any value in it for our family. Being a person of integrity means that we should think about things honestly, not just react.  Conforming to the expectations of the non-conformists is just as senseless as following whatever the majority is doing. 

Now, it’s true that camp does have many of the negatives of school.  However, there are enough differences that are positive that we’ve felt it beneficial for our kids to go. While there may be a lot of similarities between camp and school, there are also a lot of differences. The biggest differences in favor of camp are: children are there by choice, the focus is on having a good time, and there are a number of ways to be successful in camp (vs. only the academic model).   There at means there are more opportunities for children to have a success experience. 

Socially it can be positive, if you’re children are ready for it.  We don’t send our kids to sleep away camp until they are at least 12 – we sent our oldest when he was 11 for three weeks and that was a mistake; it took more time for him to readjust to being with our family and unlearn the attitudes he picked up than the actual time he spent in camp!  Last year I sent my dd who was a month away from her 12th birthday, knowing how mature she was, and feel that while she had a mostly positive experience, I should have waited until this year.  Tonight at dinner my dd12 commented that she can see that every year older my dd14 is, the better her camp experience becomes. 

The reason I wait for kids to be 12 is that I want to know that I can trust my kids to act according to our standards even when we’re not there.  That’s a pretty big thing to expect, but I’ve seen that at 12 all of our older kids have been able to do that.  Four weeks away from the family is a long time, and there’s a lot of social pressure that kids face during that time. 

I want them to have a well developed sense of self and identity that can withstand the peer pressure they encounter.  Especially as homeschoolers, they’re doing something very different from the crowd and the crowd doesn’t tend to look favorably on people they classify as ‘different’.  You might wonder how my kids deal with all the questions or reactions about homeschooling.  It’s really not a big deal to them.  They’re very comfortable with homeschooling and don’t have any sense of discomfort just because it’s a different educational choice than most people. Maybe because of their comfort with homeschooling, they rarely encounter negativity or anyone looking down on them or speaking badly of them.  Their peers end up finding it very fascinating.  My dd14 told me she got asked the same questions so many times that everyone in her bunk knew the answers, so it got to the point that when someone would ask, she would smilingly motion to her bunkmates and they’d answer for her.  She said that the only negative comment she got this summer was from one girl who blurted out, upon hearing dd is homeschooled, “But you look so smart!  Aren’t you supposed to be dumb if you homeschool?”    Dd straightened her out pretty fast.  🙂  You could say she’s doing her part to educate the next generation about alternative education!

I have to be very clear, however, that I feel camp is a luxury.  It’s nice to be able to send kids to camp when the conditions are right, and I’m grateful we’ve been able to do it and that our kids have gained from it.  But it’s by no means necessary and it’s often not even beneficial.  I’m referring to both sleep away and day camps (I’m referring to the child’s developmental needs, not the parental babysitting needs).  I find it troubling that so many people regard this as an absolute necessity, to the point of endangering their financial well being by taking on long term debt to pay for one summer. 

Part of why I think that many parents feel it’s necessary because they’re uncomfortable with a child having an unstructured summer and feel that it’s beyond their abilities to create the structure with their children. I’ve repeatedly heard the concern about kids lazing around and doing nothing, as if this was a crime.  When we do it, we call it down time or unwinding, but when our kids do it, it’s being lazy and unproductive?!   I really don’t agree with that, especially when they really need time to decompress and unwind from the intensity of the school year.  And ironically, the age group I most hear this concern expressed about is teen boys, who more than anyone need a chance to unwind due to the stifling school schedules they have. 

I’ve sent some of my kids for part of the summers to day camps, though I haven’t sent anyone for the last couple of years.  I’m at the point that I just don’t feel that there’s much of a gain.  Sure, they do nice activities.  But for the money I would spend on day camp fees, I can buy a lot of craft materials for projects, take the kids on plenty of trips, and do lots of fun stuff.  (I don’t actually do it to that degree, but I’m making the point that your money would go a lot further at home.)   They can get together with friends any time of the day they want, and they can enjoy the relaxing tempo of the summer schedule. 

Another concern is how the social dynamics play out.  There’s often pettiness, nastiness, competing and comparing, inappropriate language, and general disrespect of others.  Kids pick up behaviors and attitudes very quickly from their peers.  If the adults in charge are on top of the social dynamics of the kids and cut off bad attitudes and behaviors from the start, then day camps can be a very fun experience, and if a person can afford it, then I think it’s a nice opportunity.  But again, nice and necessary aren’t the same thing!

Avivah

Community involvement and homeschooling

homeschooling,

>>Do people accuse your family of shirking their “communal responsibilities” by not supporting the schools?<<

No, this isn’t something we’ve personally been accused of when homeschooling (though we were once accused of this when we sent our kids to a different school than some in the community wanted us to), but I’ve heard the ‘al tifrosh min hatzibor’ argument put forth as if that phrase alone was enough reason to make anyone back down in shame.  If I did have this discussion, I’d be quick to point out the false assertion that the schools alone comprise the community.  There are many ways to be involved in the community other than the schools.  Many people say a lot of things like this because they’ve never thought too deeply about what they’re saying.  Would they tell that to someone who has never had children, or whose children are grown, or who is deeply involved in other aspects of klal work? 

>>How do you keep your family plugged in and connected (to the frum community) when you have stepped outside of it in certain ways? <<

Most people feel like school is the only way to be connected to the community because their lives are so dominated by school that they aren’t aware of how many other paths are available.  It won’t surprise you that I feel there are other better, or at the very least, equally valid, ways to be connected.   You can support your community with your active involvement, passive presence, and finances.  All are necessary and many overlap.  Here are some things that come to mind:

Shul (synagogue) – though I don’t go to shul (unless it’s to meet my husband after davening), my older kids do.  The boys go daily, the girls on Shabbos.  In addition to services, there are also social events hosted by shuls where attendance is important. 

Shiurim – for adults and older children. Our older kids have all attended shiurim in the community; ds went to a daily morning amud shiur for adult men in the beginning of this year (until the days got short and it was so dark in the morning that he started going to a later minyan because it didn’t feel safe to him walking alone), both girls have attended a weekly Pirkei Avos shiur given by our shul rav for the last couple of years for teen girls.  There are Shabbos groups for younger  kids and teen minyanim but I don’t support these; however, it is one way for your kids to feel involved. 

Financially – donations to organizations in your community; there are many needs in our community except for the schools. Do you pay shul dues?  Do you ever shop in stores/use services owned by others in the community?

Volunteering – I think this is the best way for kids to feel like they can help their communities.  Our kids routinely help out in different ways at our shul, and periodically help other organizations.  For example, my ds leins every Shabbos mincha for our shul, several of the other kids frequently help set up and clean up after shul shalosh seudos as well as at other events. 

Hosting guests – Shabbos meals, sleeping arrangements, etc – what would a community be like if there was no hospitality?

Aside from these obvious ways are many more subtle ways to be an asset to your community – like giving helpful advice or support to someone while shmoozing in the supermarket. A community is made up of many individuals and the little things they do; every positive thing you do contributes even if it’s unseen and seemingly unappreciated. 

What I’m about to say is something I feel very strongly about, and have found to play out in my own life.  Steven Covey writes about the circle of influence and circle of concern.  The circle of influence is what you actually can take action to improve (your behavior, your job, your family). The circle of concern are things that you care about but can’t do much about (like world politics, the devaluation of our currency, and the price of tea in China).  The problem is most of us don’t make distinctions between the two and waste our precious time and life energy invested in the wrong areas.  By focusing on your circle of influence – this begins with yourself and your family – your circle of influence will gradually become wider and expand to begin affecting your circle of concern.  But if you focus first on the circle of concern, your personal power will become diminished and you won’t even be of much help to your immediate family.  What this means is that neither you or your community will benefit if you help your community (circle of concern) before your family (circle of influence).  So even if it seems like someone is being selfish because they’re focusing all of their attention on their family, in the end they will have been of much greater service than someone making the opposite choice. 

>>once you step a little toe outside of the line, you already alienate yourself- to a certain extent- from the community. <<

There’s a difference between you actively distancing yourself from the community and others alienating you because you’re not ‘toeing the line’.  At least for your own sake, be clear who is doing what. 

>>i find it so hard to keep my kids respecting daas torah and frum people when those are the very people who say we are crazy for homeschooling- they have told my childrens’ friends that we must have problems and this filters back to my children.  it’s pretty demoralizing and it is starting to make my kids really resent our neighbors and our community. because they have nothing to balance that out, they are starting to conclude that the frummer you are, the more narrow minded you are, and it is really really becoming a problem. so, do you encounter that at all? <<

I’d seriously consider moving if faced with this dilemma.  I think your kids are religiously in danger and there’s a very real concern you’re all going to end up cynical, frustrated, and resentful when everyone around you is criticizing you for what you feel is a positive choice for your family.  If you’re already at fault just by virtue of doing something different, and people won’t consider who you are and how you live before jumping to rash judgements, it will be hard not to feel defensive about your choices unless you can cultivate an attitude of finding the humor and letting what others say roll down your back.  That’s not so easy to do.

If moving isn’t an option (and I realize that usually it isn’t), you’ll need to define for yourself and your kids what the Torah values that you believe in are and how that may differ from what others are doing. What actually is the Torah position and what is following the crowd?  For example, one Torah value is giving charity.  Here in our city, we have a community initiative to encourage people to give a high percentage of their charity dollars to the schools.  However, the way giving manifests itself for some people isn’t the only way to give charity.  Because my kids understand that the Torah value is tzedaka, they realize that everyone should choose what causes in the community they want to support, and we aren’t obligated to support this initiative even if many others do. 

We constantly discuss hashkafa (Jewish philosophy and outlook) with our kids.  We talk about the prevailing view, why people believe that, how different issues have evolved over the years (for example, women working to support kollel husbands, the yeshiva system, rebbeim as more important that parents, the working and learning balance, sending kids away to yeshiva at a young age, etc), and our position on an issue and why we came to that position.  Dh is particularly good at showing the kids sources in seforim for our choices.  So the kids don’t feel like we’re not frum because we homeschool, or have our babies born at  home, or anything else that might not by typical, and if someone said something about it, our kids would dismiss them as being uneducated or close minded. 

We talk about these things frequently, not in a lecturing way but in a shmoozy conversational way.  The kids bring up something someone said, or something that bothers them, and we discuss it.  Your kids need to know that you have a conscious and thoughtful approach to your yiddishkeit; if they see that, what others say might annoy them but won’t be a danger of being turned off to a Torah lifestyle. 

I also think it’s important for you to help your kids find someone they can respect and look up to who is supportive of your family.  It doesn’t have to be the rav of the community; even a family that your kids consider a good family is enough.  It’s hard to feel you’re the only ones making this choice and the world is against you; when you know there are others who are supportive of you, even if the numbers aren’t big, it makes a difference.   

Avivah

4H county fair

homeschooling,

On Friday we had a family trip to the county fair.  The county fair is a 4H fair, meaning only kids who belong to 4H can exhibit there.  It’s free and pretty low key, but nice for a outing.  This is the first year we’ve attended without having any of the kids involved (they’re not currently members). 

4H is a youth group that is geared towards agriculture/homemaking kind of skills and activities.  For the last three years, my kids haven’t been in 4H, but for the four years before that were very heavily involved.  Being a 4H member entails monthly meetings ten months a year, but can be much more.  At the main meetings, each year 2 or 3 of our kids had leadership roles – for example, as secretary or treasurer of the group.  In addition to the regular club, my two older girls joined the sheep club and chicken club, each of which met one evening a month.  They also joined a bee keeping club and made beeswax candles and lip gloss, in addition to learning all about bees – another monthly meeting!  Ds joined a rocketry club, and was also involved in the sheep club the first year.  Occasionally there were other trips that they went on – one that stands out in my mind is the trip to a small airport where we got to see small private aircraft and all the kids got a turn to go in a two seater plane. 

They volunteered at a local farm for most of their years in 4H, going three mornings a week our last year in 4H, and at least once a week before that.  At the farm they learned to care for sheep and chickens, as well as the horse that was there.  They went to livestock and hay auctions, and helped build a chicken coop and fencing for the farm.

They got increasingly involved in the county fair every summer.  There are numerous categories that kids can enter – crafts and homemaking skills of all sorts (for example: art, photography, educational exhibits, cooking, baking, flowers, vegetables, preserved goods, sewing – with subcategories in each), in addition to livestock entries.  The kids entered many kinds of baked goods, sewed clothing, and entered lots of other things – they have loads of ribbons that they won over the years.  They bought their own chickens (which they kept at the farm) and showed their chickens at the fair; they leased sheep from the same farm and were able to show sheep.  Yesterday when we were looking at the sheep, I remembered how ds12 showed her first sheep when she was 8, and it was huge – literally almost as big as her – she was scared she wouldn’t be able to control it but she did great.  When she came into the show ring with the sheep, people started commenting on the little girl with the big sheep! 

In addition to showing sheep, they also entered a competition called Shepherd’s Lead – that was a three part competition.  In preparation they had to sew a wool outfit, train a sheep on a halter, and write up a three part description – a paragraph about themselves, a paragraph about the sheep, and a paragraph about their outfit. Then for the competition itself, each would wear the outfit she made, and lead her sheep around the ring on a halter while the description she wrote was read aloud over a microphone.  They competed in age groups, so the girls were in different groups.  It was hours of work to prepare for a showing that took only a few minutes, but a great learning experience!

They were involved at the club level at the fair, too.  The fairgrounds are decorated with gardens, each designed and planted by a different 4H group – the kids were involved in that.  They participated in making the yearly club booth and banner displays, volunteered at the ice cream booth (part of the proceeds went to the club), and led groups as fair tour guides.  In the last couple of years they participated, they stayed overnight at the fairgrounds in a travel trailer with the club leader, and were busy all day long – it’s a very different experience being involved from the inside and as a visitor. 

And after a very intense week of county fair preparation, it wouldn’t be long before it was time to get ready for the state fair!  They didn’t show animals then, just entered their projects/crafts, but that was enough!  Three years ago life got very busy when ds3 was a few months old – we made a bar mitzva, bought a house, and bought a business within a few weeks. And that coincided with the county fair; by the time the state fair was over, I was seriously maxxed out.  Having kids displaying or showing at the fair involves a significant amount of parental involvement, and I made the decision not to re-enroll the kids in 4H for that year, in addition to cutting back on almost all of our other group activities and commitments.

It was a good decision, but as we were visiting the fair, the kids got a hankering to join 4H again.  Unfortunately, the club we were involved in is no longer an option for us to join, so I told them I’ll look into other clubs.  While at the fair I met a mother whose daughter joined the same time we did, 7 years ago.  Our daughters were friendly and did many 4H activities together.  She told me that the enrollment in 4H has dropped drastically in the three years that we’ve been out and several clubs have folded for lack of attendance – it was sad to hear, but reflected in the size of the fair.  There were literally 50% of the entries that there were when our kids were involved, meaning the fair was half the size it was then. 

As far as the fair itself, we enjoyed it!  We browsed all the craft and animal exhibits, but I think everyone’s favorite thing was watching the people throwing the ball at someone in a cage of water and trying to dunk her!  A couple of the kids wanted to try it, so I gave them each a dollar and they got three tries.  Ds10 hit the target and dunked her, which led to people all around him cheering.  Dd8 didn’t hit it at all.  Since ds7 didn’t want to do it, I told him to give his money to ds10, and then gave another dollar to dd8.  The guy manning the booth was very nice – he let dd have ten tries until she hit the target and dunked the lady.  The younger kids all got free balloon animals, which they appreciated and then we headed for home.

The kids want to go to the state fair, but that’s much more commercialized and it’s not my scene.  I told them if their grandparents want to take them that will be okay with me (I’m not putting ideas into the kids’ heads – grandparents already mentioned they want to do that). 

Avivah