I received a number of questions and comments to my last post about not making meal time a battleground, so I’ll respond to those here.

“In regards to what you just wrote about healthy mealtime – But what do you say  if they want to put croutons in every soup you make – you let or you don’t (  that’s just one example)?Or snacks in the morning, for a long time I was sending them off with my own health cookies and popcorn…but they want what all their friends have – pretzels  and who knows what…I dont  want to fight but I do care…so how would your no fighting approach fit in..”

If you let them put croutons in the soup depends on if this is something you’re comfortable or not. If you’re comfortable with it, go ahead and let them have it. If you’re not, then that is your boundary that you’ll share with your child of what to expect at meal time in your home. Your expectations don’t have to be a big discussion – put it on the table and when asked about it, let your child know that croutons are for special days and tonight there won’t be croutons. Same approach with whatever else may come up.

Don’t be afraid to have boundaries! So often parents cringe when I explain my position on this; they tell me it sounds harsh. I don’t see it as mean or unkind to serve your child appetizing food and let them to eat the amount they’re comfortable with, thereby allowing dinner to be a time of connection rather than conflict. Why do parents feel it’s ‘nicer’ to be ambivalent about their position is, which results in ongoing conflicts about what to eat, how much to eat, how fast to eat, why to eat it….??

Today my child had a friend over who asked if I had honey. When I told him we did, he asked me for a spoonful. I asked him if he wanted it with tea or something like that. He said no, he just likes to eat it off the spoon. I told him that would make it a treat, and in our house we save treats for Shabbos. He asked again for it, and I smiled and repeated that on Shabbos we have treats. He asked why and I told him – again, with a smile – that’s how we do it. It’s not productive to be drawn into a discussion in which I feel the need to explain or rationalize to his satisfaction why I do what I do (kids love these situations, because as long as they can keep arguing, they have hope we’ll give in).

About snacks in a peer setting – again, you get to decide what your boundaries will be! There’s no right and wrong, just what is right for you. There’s always a range of choices when it comes to a child fitting in – does he get the basic backpack or the designer backpack/ shoes/ snacks, or something in between? Someone is going to be holding the bar down and someone is going to be raising the bar of expectations. Where do you want to be?

Personally, I like to be on the lower side but not on the bottom. So I’d send my kids with snacks that were similar to their peers but within my comfort zone regarding cost, nutrition or whatever else was concerning me. It’s reasonable to support your child so he is within normal range for his peer group.

If this was something that really mattered to my kids, I’d have a discussion with them and listen to their concerns, and share my concerns with them. With all of that in mind, I’d try together with them to come up with some options we could all feed good about.

“Would you mind sharing if you serve dessert on a regular basis? Most nights? Not often? I watch my daughter and her constant battles with food with her children and it almost always revolves around eating to be rewarded with dessert. I served regular meals, 3 times a day to my 7 and they ate what I served and most nights received a cookie of some kind after dinner. I didn’t pay close attention to what they ate and just assumed it all would work out, as all of the food I served was healthy and homemade. I cringe at the mealtime battleground and we eat together often!”

I don’t give my kids dessert after dinner other than on Shabbos (and then I have a nice selection), but there’s no reason not to give dessert if it’s something you want to do! My grandparents and aunt used to serve dessert after dinner and it never affected how much I ate of the main meal. It was understood that it was a nice extra.

I don’t think dessert is the pivotal issue. The more relevant factor is if it’s an inherent part of the meal or a reward the kids have finagled for eating the food that they were served as part of the main meal. My children aren’t doing me a favor by eating their dinner, and incentives create that attitude. Incentives basically show kids that there’s something we care much more about than they do, giving them something to resist and negotiate on.

Since I assume they’ll eat if they’re hungry, there’s not something for the kids to resist!  They have responsibility for if they eat, and they bear the consequences of not eating – this is an issue between the child and himself, not me and him.

Giving incentives to children concerns me because it decreases their own internal motivation to do what it is they’re being incentivized to do; it’s not effective in the long term and even in the short term is just managing the symptoms of the issue rather than getting to the root of it.

“I agree with this overall, however I think peer pressure, peer culture, and school make a huge impression. Many kids are surrounded by sugar from 8 AM until late afternoon. The schools are using candy and junk food for prizes and behavior modification and the peers compete who can bring in the junkiest junk food. My youngest finished elementary school last year, but this was a huge problem the entire 25+ years I had kids in elementary schools. Once in high school the girls switched to competing diets, which can bring a whole other variety of issues.I think the most important thing is sitting together and having real meals together as a family. I would guess many (most?) families don’t even do that most days. (Myself included-it’s a real struggle!)”

Yes, I agree with you that the school culture and the pressures it creates are real. When my kids go to camp and when they’ve been in school, I’ve encountered this same issue.

I look at this as a question of looking at what is in your circle of influence and what is in your circle of concern. It concerns you what happens in school, but you can’t control it. You can influence and impact what happens in your own home, so that’s where you put your effort.  The more you invest energy into where you can make an impact, the greater your ability to affect things that were previously outside of your influence will be.

So practically, that means serving meals that align with what you believe to be appropriate in your home. Make each meal pack a nutritional punch and are as appealing as possible, knowing that your kids are tanked up on sugar and may not be so interested in the food you serve.  There are meals that my kids will eat and not complain about, and then there are the meals that they really, really appreciate.

So I would make more of the meals they really appreciate in the situation you described, knowing that they wouldn’t be hungry enough to eat food that they were kind of blah about.  These foods would still be those that I decided were appropriate nutritionally.

And yes, it’s hard to make family mealtime a regular sit down event. Especially as kids get older and everyone is going in a different direction at different times, it can feel like herding cats! I decided to make this a priority as it came up for me in my personal mission statement work as a strong value. If someone isn’t home, they obviously can’t be there, but whoever is home participates and it’s a nice grounding way to connect everyone at the end of the day.

 “this would work for parents who have kids who are not picky. my boys won’t eat anything other than string cheese and canned peaches or pineapple. and that is a struggle. I’ve had to insert incentives to get them to eat. if I had them only choose from my meal that i made for the rest of the family they would not eat. you may say that they would eventually eat if they were hungry enough, but they are stubborn enough to perhaps forego dinner and wait for their cereal in the morning!”

Actually, this is the approach that works best to help kids move beyond their picky tendencies! This is WHY my kids aren’t picky eaters.

To clarify a couple of things: firstly, I only offer my children choices of foods that I would be happy for them to eat. So if they chose to wait for breakfast, that would be fine for me because the breakfast choice would be one I would know would meet their nutritional needs. I’m saying that I really don’t have an attachment to them having to eat dinner if they don’t want to.

Until a child feels the space inside himself of his own wanting something, they’re not going to be internally motivated (this is true in all areas). If we keep them from feeling that space because we’re so busy filling it for them, we deny them the opportunity to expand themselves. A parent has to be really careful about using incentives because it can create a dynamic that will backfire on the parent.

Interestingly, parents always tell me their kids will only eat dairy and carbs (fruits are also carbs); I don’t think anyone has ever complained to me that their kids prefer protein and don’t want to eat noodles! Many people have a higher sensitivity to these foods since they quickly convert to sugar in the body, thereby inducing very strong cravings.

Some kids have an actual allergy to certain foods and it’s the allergy that creates the craving for those foods.  If your child are extremely set in their eating habits, I would consider if there is a deeper physiological issue that needs to be addressed (eg candida overgrowth and other gut related issues can create very strong cravings).

“You’ve obviously never dealt with a chronically picky eater. I call DD “The Starch Beast.” She will live on carbs if I let her.”

Yes, I believe you. Note my comment above regarding cravings for starches.

“I’ve learned to serve the protein and veggies first, and only after those are gone will I serve her a starch. Otherwise, she’ll fill up on rice or potatoes, and not want to have anything else. She’s 14 now, and will still live on potato chips and popcorn if she could have her own way. Even with pizza, she only wants to eat the crust!”

What I hear you saying is that you’ve clarified the boundaries that work in your home and in your situation! Wonderful! As I said above, the parent has to set boundaries that she is comfortable with based on her specific concerns, and serve foods that honor those boundaries.

“what about a child who will forgo dinner and then wake up in the night crying from hunger and demand milk and a snack?”