I started writing this post over a year and a half ago, and I had to smile when I recently checked my drafts file, since so many of the topics that I wrote about then are still things I think about!
There’s a lot of strong opinion on the topic of ideal spacing of one’s children. This is a highly personal decision that is fraught with emotion – I know I’ve had a negative knee jerk reaction to reading some of what is written on this topic, and I’ve had to remind myself that people are entitled to do whatever is right for them.
I’d like to address to a particular sentiment regularly expressed by real food devotees, the nutritional argument. Those in the real food camp (where I consider myself) try to follow traditional food practices – to eat food as it was eaten for generations, because this has been key in the health of many generations. As we’ve gotten away from this inherent wisdom of our bodies, our collective health has suffered.
Many people have noted the significant spacing between children in traditional societies, and felt that this is important to implement in our lives. This is in order to give a mother time in which she can rebuild her nutritional stores after being depleted by pregnancy (and breastfeeding). An unborn child can only ‘take’ from the reserves that the mother has in store; if it’s not there, his body won’t be able to use it. And by carefully spacing one’s children, each child can be granted his “birthright of perfect health” (sorry, lost the complete Sally Fallon quote I wanted to share with you).
Now obviously, since I’ve had nine children born within fifteen years, you don’t have to be a math whizzard to work out that I haven’t followed the ideal child spacing of three to four years between children! And I’m not going to be an apologist for that. Rather, I want to question what I perceive to be a dogmatic belief that ideal nutrition trumps the value of bringing children into the world, as well as the idea that you can eliminate any variables in the development of an unborn child.
(Parenthetically, something that is usually not mentioned when making the argument about what traditional societies did regarding child spacing, is that this was accomplished in large part because men had several wives and weren’t intimate with each wife for a lengthy period of time after childbirth. True, we can replicate traditional spacing by using birth control rather than polygamy, but long term usage of chemical birth control (versus natural family planning) comes with it’s own related health concerns. (Edited to add: how timely that after posting this I saw Kelly’s post about the dangers of birth control! Definitely take a look so you can see some of the issues involved.)
There are those who feel passionately enough about this topic that they are willing to not have another child at all if it means that he won’t be conceived from a position of nutritional strength. I respect that this is their belief and priority, and there would be a lack of integrity for someone who believed this to make any different choice. For me, it’s not a choice I have chosen, even knowing all that I do about how prenatal nutrition affects a growing child.
I’m going to write a post (hopefully sooner rather than later!) detailing the physical differences that I’ve noted in the jaw structure of each of our nine children depending on what I ate during pregnancy as well as birth order. And though I can see that some have better facial bone structure than others, I don’t believe in even the tiniest part of me that because one had teeth that were more crowded than another and needed braces, that I shortchanged them or made a mistake by bringing them into this world.
I believe that there’s an inherent value to having a child, a spiritual piece of eternity that a mother can be part of. That doesn’t mean that no matter what your current reality is, that having a baby is a good idea right now. As I said earlier, this is an extremely personal decision and I can only share the criteria that I personally use in determining if pregnancy is a good idea at this time – a woman’s physical and emotional readiness to nurture a child.
While there are nutritional concerns that the expectant mother would benefit by addressing when children are close in age by being particularly careful that she has a high nutrient diet, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that there are benefits to a mother and child to being spaced more closely. Each child has a constant playmate and companion, which often develops into a close relationship that is maintained over the years. When children are each other’s entertainment, this makes the physical aspect of parenting much easier than for a mom of a singleton or those who are widely spaced.
A mother absolutely should not deplete herself to the point that she has nothing left to give. But there’s a lot of ground between absolute physical exhaustion, and striving for the physical perfection of child. It’s this sentiment of idealizing perfection that I’m disturbed by in the real food community. I’m not a fan of striving for perfection in any area, since I think it’s stressful, depleting, guilt inducing, and not productive. (Excellence, yes, but definitely not perfection!)
It’s true that the mother of closely spaced children isn’t likely to be able to replenish her nutritional stores like someone who has worked on it assiduously for several years without the draw from pregnancy. However, let’s not forget that there’s plenty a woman can do to eat well during pregnancy to improve her unborn baby’s health. This is not an all of nothing process. (I’ve written about guidelines for high quality prenatal nutrition here.)
And on the other side of the equation, there are no guarantees in life. There’s a conviction in the real food camp that if you eat well enough, nothing can go wrong with your child’s prenatal development. Guess what? It doesn’t always work like that. It’s wonderful that there are so many things that we can affect with good nutrition, and this is very empowering. But there are always going to be potential issues we can’t control for, as comforting as it is to think that we can.
What do you think the ideal child spacing is? How has that worked for you and your children?
Avivah
(This post is part of Monday Mania, Real Food 101, Fat Tuesday, Traditional Tuesdays, and Real Food Wednesdays.)
I have naturally not had my period for 20 months between children due to nursing. I have also had three miscarriages which have also added to spacing. I am so glad you posted this as I really needed the encouragement. We miscarried our first son last week and while we are in mourning, my arms also are aching for an infant. My husband and I plan to try again right away with the blessing of my midwife, naturopathic doctor, and my chiropractor. My mother and all her friends though are lecturing me on “replenishing my reserves” which I feel is all I’m ever doing so enough already! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and encouragement. 🙂
Ambre, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is very painful.
From a Jewish view, we believe that every soul has a purpose in order to bring it to perfection. Some need an entire lifetime in this world in order to fulfill their goal, and other lofty souls need a very short time. I don’t pretend to know why things happen as they do, but it gives me strength when I think about every single thing being part of a meaningful ultimate plan.
An idea I heard many years ago that ties into this concept of making sense of seemingly random and often horrible events, is this. If you were to look at the back of the tapestry from close up, it would look like a messy and random bunch of strings and colors. To appreciate the beauty and intricacy of it, you have to look at it from the correct side, and from a distance. Then you can see how every single thread adds something to the final creation, and without it something would be missing – every single thread needed to be there for the masterpiece to be complete. We are part of G-d’s masterpiece.
Warm wishes for healing and strength for you, Ambre.
Avivah, thank you as always for injecting common sense into these discussions. So many of the sources I read or speak with regarding natural living are very much locked into a black or white paradigm. As you write, this is not all or nothing, few things in life are.
As a personal note from a couple who struggles with infertility, how easy life seems when you actually have the ability to plan when your children will be born (insert wistful sigh here).
Jendeis, I deleted some of my thoughts on this before posting, because I didn’t want to get into the area of religion. What I erased was this – there are three partners in the creation of a child – mother, father, and G-d. And we can’t control the third partner.
Those of us who conceive easily too often make the mistake of thinking our fertility is in our hands, when it really isn’t. None of us truly have the ability to plan when our children will be born – it’s just an illusion of control. At best we can try to prevent pregnancy (and there are many, many incidents of pregnancy in spite of just about every kind of birth control, even those considered to be final) and leave ourselves open to the possibility of becoming pregnant. But in the end, when something is meant to happen, it does, and before that, it won’t – and our efforts aren’t the final determining factor.
I’m sorry for your struggles – infertility is a painful journey to walk down when your heart is craving children. Hugs and warm wishes to you.
We are expecting our first soon and I’ve been wondering a lot about this issue. There was a recent study that came out correlating less spacing with an increased risk of autism. Along with nutritional concerns, it seems the world is out to convince me to wait. My heart on the other hand really wants a playmate for our little one. I realize it will be whatever it will be but I’ve always wanted a big family and as an only child, I know that being the center of attention or facing the brunt of your family’s choices alone, affects a child from the very beginning. The best I can hope for though is to leave the spacing up to God. His timing has always been perfect. I know some people think it’s irresponsible to leave fertility matters up to “chance” but when this walk is done with faith, prayer, listening, and alertness, I think chance is taken out of the equation. Thanks for your words of encouragement. If the spacing comes sooner than later, I know I will hear it from people. It’s nice to hear a kind word on it too 🙂
Welcome, Frances! There are a lot of studies connecting autism to different things, and most of them make a lot more sense to me than shorter spaces between children! People have been having children for a long time, and even having them close together for a long time (eg over a hundred years), and autism is a fairly new diagnosis that is skyrocketing in the last 10 – 20 years.
There are different ways that people look at fertility, but I don’t think it’s irresponsible to have children that you are ready to nurture and nourish, to raise and make the world a better place. I think all life decisions are ideally made in the way you describe, with faith, prayer, etc.
I really appreciate your final point, that there are no guarantees in life. That quote you mention, about each child being granted their birthright of perfect health never fails to irritate me for that reason. We are simply kidding ourselves if we think we can control all the variables through nutrition. Life is messier than that, and I’m afraid this attutude contributes to mother guilt. I, for one, have enough of that to deal with as it is!
I also appreciate your assumption that children are a gift. I am currently pregnant with #5, and at my advanced maternal age, many people react like I’m doing something foolish and selfish, rather than participating in a joint project with my husband and G-d.
Bah, I don’t care for the term advanced maternal age. I think it’s ridiculous – is a 35 or 45 year old woman a dinosaur? I’ve seen pregnancy due date clubs for ‘older’ moms saying how ancient they are. If you’re young and healthy enough to conceive a child, you’re far from a bent over granny! Congratulations on your pregnancy, and enjoy the gift of older children and little ones – life just gets more and more interesting, doesn’t it?!
Avivah, could you talk about how you feel about nursing while pregnant and tandem nursing? Thanks!
aviva, i obviously dont know the details of your families health but i feel i have to speak up for families that may have more nutrition related health challenges. on an internet board i am active on i know many dedicated mamas who force themselves to wait to have another baby in order to continue gut healing and correcting nutritional deficiencies before conceiving again. when you have one or 2 kids with asthma allergies learning difficulties autism and related issues excema, and you know how hard it is, every month of healing b4 getting pregnant again is precious. having a family with that range of issues is trying physically emotionally financially. For these families the decision to space their children more may not be b/c of real food dogma or an attempt to bring a child into the world with perfect health, rather an attempt to have a kid with milder mid-line issues, fewer allergies, greater physical comfort on a daily basis.
Thank you for your comment! You’re making an important point and I appreciate being able to clarify my intent. I know there are families who are struggling with real health issues and strongly support those who want to heal before conceiving. What concerns me is the dogmatic statement that *any* children who are less than three to four years apart are ‘too closely spaced’, with the unspoken sentiment that they are doomed healthwise.
Thank G-d, despite almost all of them being ‘too close’, our children are all pretty healthy – but this isn’t related to just what I ate when pregnant or prior to conception, but to how they’ve been raised since then.
i think you are also leaving out how you ate b4 conceiveing, in childhood, how your mother ate etc…
When I wrote ‘prior to conception’, this is what I was referring to. 🙂
Also, I mentioned lifestyle choices, since our bodies are affected not just by what we eat, but by how we deal with disease, the air we breathe, if we raise our children with lots of outdoor play or glued to the TV or computer…..
I find discussion of spacing disturbing just simply because for so many women, conception and childbearing is so difficult and not in our hands. I had ten pregnancies and I have knh five live children ( two cemetery headstones, 2 misses, one stillbirth) Thinking you can control your children’s health through nutrition is at best an illusion of control.
I’m so sorry for your losses – I feel very inadequate saying just that. It sounds like you’ve been on an incredibly painful journey.
While I do believe that prenatal nutrition has a strong influence on a child’s health later on, I agree that thinking we can fully control the results is an illusion.
I appreciate the sentiment. Never feel inadequate for expressing honest feelings. I am blessed with knh five wonderful children, more than so many people can say.
I love reading a post that can make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!