It’s interesting how comments and questions on certain issues seem to often come as groups. This has happened recently with the topic of making a change – I was asked the same question by three different people in close succession: when is moving toward change positive and when is it running away from a problem. Interestingly, all three were in situations in which a change would be beneficial, which made me wonder if it’s the people who have a tendency to stay in difficult situations who phrase the question in this way.
The most recent person to ask me about this was my dd17 when she was home for Chanukah vacation. She’s living with an elderly woman which provides her with a place to live and a salary and she’s studying in an Israeli seminary – where she lives and where she studies are both difficult situations. She’s not happy but told me she’s not sure if she needs to stick this out. I told her, “If you’re a member of this family, your issue isn’t going to be running away from problems but staying in a non-suitable situation too long and trying to see the positives.”
Being positive and looking for the good in life is important, but you can’t let that keep you from acknowledging when a situation needs to be changed. I suggested that first step is for her to be honest about how she’s feeling, not to rationalize or justify staying where she is because she doesn’t know how it can work out financially to do something different – just to acknowledge to herself how she’s really feeling and be willing to say, ‘I’m not happy’. Then after getting in touch with that feeling – which doesn’t take too long once you clear away the mental clutter – to ask herself: “Is this situation supporting me and the life I want to have? If not, why not? What would be more supportive of my needs?”
So she did that and we talked quite a bit about what this means for her. This week she gave notice to the family of the woman she works for that she’ll be leaving in a month, is interviewing with another family as a possible place to stay, and contacted the principal of an American seminary here in Israel to see if a mid-year transfer is possible. I asked her how she felt and she said it all feels good.
It seems to me that most people get stuck on one side or another of this question when they have to ask themselves the question about if their current life situation serves them or not. Many people stay with situations that aren’t supportive for too long, not believing that anything better is out there, thinking that they don’t deserve for things to be good or blaming themselves for the way the situation is.
Others go to the other extreme, moving from place to place, job to job, relationship to relationship, always blaming others for their situations and searching for that elusive happiness in the next place. When a person is having a hard time in life because of who they are, they carry that with them wherever they go. Someone who hosts a lot of people checking out her community told me she can tell right away who is a good candidate and who isn’t by asking why they want to move. She said when people start complaining about everything that is wrong with where they’re currently living, she knows they’re going to miserable in her community, too.
So how can you tell when you objectively would be better off in a different life situation? When are you running away from something instead of putting in the effort and time to make things work, and when are you moving forward towards a better and more fulfilling life?
This is a really individual situation and sometimes for the same person, it can look very different in different situations. If you’re in an abusive situation, generally the faster you get out, the better. Aside from that, we have to remember that all beginnings are difficult and time takes time. Don’t give up on your current situation too soon – think about what specifically is missing for you, and what you can do to make it work for you. If you’ve put in time and effort and after a reasonable amount of time things aren’t improving, you probably are seeing the reality of the situation and it’s time to think about making a change. Don’t blame yourself for being where you are right now; it is what it is, you learned something from where you were and now you can move on.
Since we can’t be objective about ourselves, it’s very valuable to get feedback from someone outside of the situation who is willing to listen to you without projecting themselves onto the scenario. At times when I’ve grappled with choices of this sort and spoken to friends, it’s been interesting how obvious the answer to my question was to them! People outside the situation can often see things more clearly since they aren’t fixated on all the tiny details that our minds can get tangled up with.
If you’ve determined that change would be beneficial for you, have courage. Trust that life is meant to be good, that you are worthy of good and that you will overcome the initial challenges the new situation is going to present you with. Making a change like this is an act of self-value and self-love; we can’t have better things in our lives until we recognize that we deserve better in our lives.
If you’ve grappled with decisions of this sort, please share how you recognized when it was time to make a change or stick things out!
Avivah
Oy. Once again, hashgachah pratis in reading this post- I have been thinking lately so much about this very question regarding my own decision making lately. Don’t have any answers though .
Shuli, right after I posted the first version of this post, it disappeared. Anyway, I rewrote it but obviously some of what I wrote the second time wasn’t what I wrote the first time. Something important that I omitted in this post that was in the vanished version was that I do a lot of thinking about issues like these, and then I ask Hashem to give me clarity and to make it obvious which direction to go in.
I also find that writing out my flow of thoughts helps me get a good idea of what to do. One night I couldn’t sleep thinking about a big decision and was mentally tossing and turning – I turned on the light and wrote steadily for four full pages. When I was finished, I didn’t even need to read what I wrote – it was obvious to me what was the voice of fear and what was the direction I needed to go in.
iTS EASIER SAID THAN DONE, Moving on when you can….thanks for a great post.
Totally, much, much easier said than done! It’s not enough to know you need a change and to know what to move toward, you need the emotional and physical resources to make the change. Sometimes it seems so impossible to do something differently that we give up.
My challenge is: wanting both. I want to live right here where I am…where I have been all these years. And yet..I have serious unmet needs here and feel that a fresh environment could as you say make life good, like it should be. I AM trying to build the missing pieces here. And I cannot make a change for another year or two…Yet sometimes I fear that making improvements here is just making moving get harder and harder to pull off…I have tried to ask Hashem. Is it possible that sometimes Hashem also “wants it all…?”
Also what if the choice you feel…you like and the choice you feel…goes the most deep into growing yourself…are different. Also what if the choice you like is not the one that…feels like the stillness that all of us over-wandered Jews crave.
Ah!
Flora
Flora- first of all, welcome! Secondly, you don’t know how much I can relate to what you’re saying! I’m going to try to respond to this with a post in the coming week.
I struggled with this during most of my relationship with my ex husband. Really he was abusive but I was in denial and didn’t want to lose him. I am also staunchly loyal and could not give up my commitment to him. In the end he made the decision for me. At first I was upset but when I was able to take a step back and look at the situation objectively I realized I was a lot better off and happier without him and he really did me a favor by ending the relationship.