My regular readers have probably noticed that my posting has dropped off dramatically in the last year and particularly the last few months. For the year that ds8 was home, time and energy became a real challenge. Two months ago he began attending school – it’s been great for him and all the rest of us, too! but the increased time flexibility hasn’t translated into writing more here since I’ve had extended computer challenges.

My husband bought me a new computer when he visited the US over a year ago, and from the start, I wasn’t happy with it. There was a significant lag in response time, and then the power cord input receptor got looser and looser, until when the cord was plugged in it didn’t connect anymore.

Well. There I was with a computer that wasn’t working but that wasn’t worth fixing (so I was told). I thought to make do and use one of the other two computers that my kids use – but there’s a reason they use them. They are older computers that are fine for their needs (mainly looking up information and listening to audiobooks) but for my needs, they’re really not helpful.

To use the better one that had a nonfunctional keyboard meant hooking up my husband’s work keyboard and mouse during the hours my husband wasn’t working and the kids weren’t around – late at night and very early in the morning. Late at night I’m usually too tired to think, and though I’m up early, Rafael wakes up early and climbs into my bed before falling back asleep for a couple more hours, so typing away at the computer in the same room would wake him up.

I was getting increasingly frustrated at how difficult it was to get online with a laptop. When I could finally clear the time, I couldn’t find the kids’ computer, or I found the computer but it had no power and I couldn’t find the power cord. Or I could find the power cord but not the converter for the American plug that would allow me to plug it into the 220 Israeli system. When someone offered to bring something back for me from the US, I jumped at the opportunity to order a computer.

My husband researched a bunch of computers and finally told me he didn’t see one in the price range I set that had the features I wanted. But, after speaking to a computer guy he offered to get our two older computers overhauled, and order the necessary replacement part for my computer. I was hesitant about having my computer repaired because it was unsatisfactory from the beginning, but it didn’t make sense to buy something new when we had something that could be made usable for a much lower sum.

My exasperation was rising every time I tried to get online, and I would periodically express how limiting and disturbing it was for me to feel so constrained. But I had determined that my computer needs didn’t justify the expense of something new so this was only an expression of feeling continually stymied, not a suggestion to pursue a different solution.

My husband assured me the part was on its way, and while waiting for its arrival I tried using the overhauled computers. That had its own frustrations.

We waited and waited and waited for the part, and were relieved when it finally arrived. Until it became clear that it was the wrong part.

My husband told me he would order a different part. This is when I reached my limit for tolerating the situation and trying to work with what was. I had complete clarity that this situation wasn’t tolerable for me any more and I needed to have a well-functioning computer. Right away.

This is when the shift happened – it was only when it was I had clarity that I was unwilling to continue to try to make it work that that we could find the best solution.

As soon as I said that, my husband told me he could buy me an excellent computer locally and have it that day. It was double the sum I had mentally set previously, but after months of frustration, that amount now seemed perfectly reasonable! He dropped me off at a two day women’s retreat right after this conversation, and from there drove straight to the computer store.

When I got home the next night, I was greeted with my new computer, fully set up and ready to be used.

I can’t even express how nice it is to finally be able to do things that were so hard and daunting for such a long time (for those whose comments here weren’t responded to, now you know why).

The seemingly obvious solution to my challenging situation – buying a new computer locally – was available to me from the very first day that I had a computer issue. But since I wasn’t willing to consider buying a new computer at Israeli prices, all the frustrating situations continued to unfold.

So often something feels hard – and it is – but part of what makes it so hard is that we mentally limit what the solutions can be or where they can come from. And if we aren’t open to a solution, we’re not going to get that solution, even if that’s the easiest and best outcome!

What struck me in my situation was the benefit of contrast. Contrast is what we experience when there’s a discrepancy between what we want and what we have. Usually we perceive this as being bad.

The gift of contrast is it helps you clarify what you don’t want, and what you do want. I had tons of contrast for over a year with my computer issues that created ongoing frustration and feelings of limitation, and it was the increasing contrast that made it obvious that my previous attempts at solutions were completely inadequate for my needs.

This is something that we all do in every area of our lives – you can substitute ‘relationship/job/experience’ for ‘computer’ and you’ll see the same thing I described. Trying to make something work that doesn’t work, trying to convince yourself you don’t need more than what you have, that what you have is really enough, that you shouldn’t want more, that you don’t deserve more….it goes deep!

I’ve found it really helpful when I recognize and embrace contrast, to see it as a tool that can help me live my best life by clarifying what I want more or less of, and then taking action accordingly.

Avivah