A couple of weeks ago I attended five end-of-the-year parties in a ten day period – four for our children, and one for a granddaughter. It was especially busy since all of the parties were in cities an hour drive away, except for our granddaughter, who is in Jerusalem. (I went to see our new granddaughter for the first time and then went to the party afterward).

Our first eleven children were born in ten different months; the exception is two birthdays in July. The summer is our busiest time for family birthdays, and with the twins’ birthday coming up in a month, it’s getting even busier.

I moved directly from being busy with end-of-year parties to being busy with birthday parties for the younger children. Ds11 celebrated his birthday in school a week ago and this Shabbos we’ll do his birthday circle. The twins will be on vacation when it’s their birthday, and since I think it’s important for them to celebrate with their current friends and teachers, I arranged with each of their teachers to have their class parties in the next few days.

Along with parties comes baking birthday cakes. I made ds11 a double layer cake with frosting and intended to do something similar for the twins. My oldest daughter lives locally and invited ds11 over yesterday for special time to bake a birthday cake together with her. I asked her if she could triple the recipe and make three cakes, and she agreed.

However, instead she made three completely different cakes. This morning when I showed ds5 his bulldozer cake, he was so excited! His face was shining.

Dd5 is asking about her cake (it’s still at my daughter’s house for finishing touches); she asked repeatedly for Hello Kitty which I have no idea how to make and wouldn’t have done, but my daughter did. I want it to be a surprise when she sees it so I’m not mentioning anything.

————————————

Two months have passed since the twins joined our family, and it’s remarkable how much more normal it feels to have them with us.

In every new situation, beginnings are difficult, and our first weeks were challenging and exhausting, as I’ve shared. As time has gone by, my husband and I agreed that it no longer feels as hard having them.

The twins are SO much more relaxed and calm.

A few days ago, ds5 was overtired and when I took him to a room for some quiet time, he spent over an hour and a half screaming, flailing his entire body, kicking the bed he was on and punching the wall repeatedly before falling asleep in exhaustion (I stayed next to him the entire time). It was a good reminder of how far he’s come – in the beginning this happened at least once a day, but it’s been weeks since this has happened. When he’s tired, it’s usually very manageable with some hugs and extra attention.

———————

Dd5 slipped and hit her head hard a couple of days ago. She was just calming down when the social worker arrived. At that point, she switched to fake crying (it was obvious to the social worker, too) and continued for the next hour and forty five minute visit, sitting on my lap the entire time. Just as the social worker left, she began vomiting from crying so long and fell asleep.

She’s never cried this long before, though she used to fake cry a lot about a lot of things. When she first arrived, I noticed that she got hurt often and every little scratch was a topic of conversation for days. I inferred that something about getting hurt brought her the attention she sought in the past.

Her response to getting hurt has shifted a lot. She no longer talks all the time about all the things that hurt her and how it happened. She comes to me if she falls or gets hurt in some other way, and after some empathy, generally moves on to the next thing.

Dd5 used to seek contact non-stop and now that’s also dramatically improved. She used to need to touch me and talk to me all day long; even if I was napping, she would insistently wake me up to get that contact. I give a lot of hugs and squeezes throughout the day, and especially before bed. Now when I’m resting, she looks into my room and seeing me is enough for her to run off and continue her activities, even if my eyes are closed and I don’t look at her.

It wasn’t only me that she sought so much contact with, but everyone in her radius. Her indiscriminate seeking of connection was my biggest concern for her, as it would make her a target for predators.

This behavior was a significant factor in my consideration to bring the twins into our family – we were originally approached because they had a potential family for dd5 in our area and wanted to know if we would take ds5 so the twins could stay in the same area. When I heard the family willing to take her had an older foster son with challenging behaviors, I felt alarmed thinking of of a young girl with disordered attachment in that scenario.

A family member was here weeks ago and expressed concern about the seeking behavior she witnessed. I reassured her we understood it and were addressing it. She came to visit last week and commented how big a change there’s been and that she no longer sees anything out of the norm.

As things have settled down, as we’ve all gotten used to one another and established a daily and weekly flow, we’ve seen so many positive shifts in so many ways, much more than what I’ve shared about here. I no longer feel we’re constantly dealing with trauma responses but rather have shifted into mostly typical kid behavior.

Parenting the twins (and all of our children) isn’t effortless by any means. But emotionally it no longer feels like constant work. Attachment is the glue that smooths the hard places in relationships; with attachment comes good intentions, the desire to please and the willingness to overlook missteps (on both the side of the parent and child), all of which go very far in creating a positive environment. We love them and they love us, and that attachment is working well for all of us.

Avivah