Last week we had a home visit with our social worker, the head of the foster care agency, and the guardian ad litem (court appointed legal representative for the twins – GAL).
It’s taken me until now to find a way to consistently feel neutral towards the GAL after this visit. I’ve repeatedly told myself she means well, but every time I think that to myself, the phrase ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ pops into my mind.
Prior to her visit, I took time with myself to think about how I wanted to interact with her. I guessed she would be very detail oriented and more interested in facts than feelings. That proved to be very accurate.
My own intention was to communicate without allowing myself to be put on the defensive and not worry about what she thought of me, and that was also very appropriate.
I’ve written and rewritten this post, trying to describe a little bit of what it was like as cautiously as possible. My husband has said that since my blog can be publicly accessed, he doesn’t think I should say anything. As such, I’ve deleted all descriptions of what happened.
Overall the meeting went extremely well. I presumed good intentions on her part and stayed calm and composed throughout the entire visit. Dd6, ds6 and ds7 were all home and they couldn’t not have been more well-behaved or responded to her questions better than they did.
It’s not easy to do so much for these children, to see so many positive changes, and have everything peremptorily dismissed as not even worthy of comment. Perhaps it’s common for lawyers to speak to people outside of the courtroom as if they are a defendant on the witness stand, asking leading questions and badgering the witness.
The thing that is hardest for me about foster care is seeing that our children are pawns in a system that doesn’t make their well-being the most important concern. I keep reminding myself that Hashem sent this person to us and she’s doing exactly what she’s meant to do.
I have no way to overcome prejudices that someone else holds that have nothing to do with me.
The reason I didn’t want to write about this until now is because I’ve been searching to put this interaction into a positive perspective, to find a way to give the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like thinking negatively about people and I’ve been trying to feel compassion for this individual, but wasn’t succeeding at all.
Yesterday I spoke with the man who founded the speech method that I’ve recently begun studying. He mentioned that one definition of apraxia of speech is that it can’t be treated. What happens when someone develops a method which has helped hundreds of children who supposedly can’t talk, learn to speak?
Do they rush to his door and ask to learn what he did? Do they tell him how amazing it is that he did something they didn’t think is possible?
No. They stick to their conviction that it can’t be done, even in the face of evidence that shows otherwise. He said this is the natural reaction of the established system in every area.
This comment was like a thunderbolt to me. I had been asking Hashem to help me find a way to think positively about this person, and then I heard this. I realized she’s just reacting the way people in an established system react to something outside of their experience.
There was a lot of focus on the negative behaviors that were part of the past file of one of the children. She said she’s never seen negative behaviors like this dissipate so quickly like they did when the children came to us, and that she can’t see how it’s possible.
If the baseline assumption is that this kind of change can’t be possible because she hasn’t seen it before, then there are only two options: 1) to consider that there’s something to learn from this new outcome and explore how it happened – but there was absolutely no interest in what we did and how that might have positively impacted the children.
Option 2: to insist that it’s not possible and solicit confirmation for her initial decision to oppose placement with us as not being in the best interest of the children.
Thinking about this being a normal reaction to something unfamiliar and unexpected makes this so much easier for me to accept. I don’t want to see her as an enemy who is trying to make my life miserable
It’s also helped release the tension I was feeling trying to anticipate what demands she’s going to impose on me when the committee meets for a follow-up. Now I’ve been able to return to my initial feeling that whatever will be, will be, and trust everything will work out as it’s meant to.
Avivah
This is such an important post Avivah. We see this over and over again that people don’t want to accept evidence that is clear before their eyes – Meron, covid, boys who can’t make it in mainstream yeshivas, alternative therapies of all sorts and so much more. I don’t know what method you are referring to but I saw the movie “Spellers” and most people still don’t hold by the method “spelling to communicate” even though it seems obvious that it helps. I have someone in my family with an autistic son and when I sent her the link to the movie, instead of watching it, she sent me back all kinds of links that about “misinformation”.
(Not to get off track, but we did that communication method with my nonverbal son. I had a strong belief in it and brought the most highly recommended people to do it on him. After seeing them in action, I can confirm that it is 100% hogwash. It was a big letdown for me, but it was undeniable. Of course that doesn’t mean that the basic premise of Avivah’s post is untrue.)
I think about this not infrequently, Rivka, and I think about how I am when I come across information that contradicts my beliefs. I try very hard to read and listen to things that expand my thinking and some of those very uncomfortable things have led me to learning so much more and changing what I do. But I understand how hard it is when we’re comfortable in the mental box we’re in, as I recognize my own discomfort in looking at contradictory information.
Avivah, you have an amazing ability to step back and put your emotions aside to look at things. The ‘syndrome’ you’re describing has so many examples. Two that come to mind are high-ranking men being taken out to be executed on Stalin’s orders pleading with their guards to just tell Stalin because they are sure he will save them. The other is the medical establishments’ refusal to listen to an Australian nurse, Sister Kenny, who was having remarkable results with her own treatments for polio patients that was contrary to the doctors’ prescribed treatments.
Great examples, Susan, and as you said, there are SO more! I’ve come to think it’s the norm rather than the exception to ignore important and relevant information that could improves the lives of many, in favor of continuing with the status quo.
can you please share information on the speech method; link to an article? thank you, and for another beautiful post with so much insight.
https://yaelcenter.com/
With that being said, Jillian, they are swamped with people who want their services and in Israel don’t have enough therapists to meet the demand. I called to request to begin services for ds11 and ds7, and was told clearly they don’t have the ability to accept them for therapy. I told him that I’d do whatever I could to support what they needed if they could give me some specific guidance, and since I began the online Romanian training last month with the intent to learn how to do this for them, he agreed to see them for an evaluation.