After two weeks of waiting, I finally got feedback on the foster care home visit that recently took place.
The tone of the entire meeting was one of negativity and even hostility towards me. Major positive changes in the children were dismissed with an exclusive focus on external details. I didn’t react to provocatively phrased questions, or to the insinuations that I was lying.
My social worker later told me it was upsetting to be present at the meeting and see how I was treated, but I didn’t take it personally. I trust this person is concerned about the welfare of the children; it’s critical that there to be oversight and supervision for foster children, even if the way it comes across to me is uncomfortable.
Since the meeting took place, I’ve tried not to guess what the reaction or resulting demands on me would be. But I did have some guesses about what kind of things I would hear, based on what elicited the most negativity.
I was so, so wrong.
Nothing that I guessed about was mentioned. Nothing.
During the visit I was asked many detailed questions about different aspects of raising the twins. Here are the criticisms of our foster care arrangements:
-The decor of dd’s room doesn’t feel enough like a girl’s bedroom. Dd’s linen is a floral set with lace edged pillowcases (pale yellow and light blue). When the war began we moved a second bunk bed in since her room is the safe room (in case of missile attacks we would need to have more children sleeping there), and I put matching light blue fitted sheets on each of the other bunks to protect the mattresses. It matches her set and looks nice. But it’s a fact that other than her sheet set the room is gender neutral.
I was told there should be more girls toys displayed. I don’t know if she didn’t notice the two dolls on dd’s bed and admittedly the doll strollers were outside, not in the room. She didn’t like that at the beginning of the meeting that all three children were playing with Duplo (a ‘boy’ toy). I would never have dreamed someone would have looked at that scene of three children playing nicely together in creative ways, and seen the color of the blocks as an issue.
-There isn’t a separate area in dd’s room for her to do projects, or a place on the wall for her projects to be displayed. She doesn’t have a ‘pina shekeita’, a quiet corner of her own.
In our home, bedrooms are mostly for sleeping, and sometimes for playing. But never for crafts. When I take out art supplies for the kids, I put them on the dining room table or outdoor table, and whoever is interested draws or creates there. We display projects on the fridge or sometimes the front door; no one has their own display area. Ironically, dd6 is the only child in the house who has her own room, and while she has a quiet place to play alone, she adamantly doesn’t want to be alone.
The social worker said that if I had a picture of a unicorn and rainbow on the wall the person who complained would have been happier. I laughed and told her dd’s backpack and lunch box are both pink and have unicorns and rainbows on them, she has plenty of pink clothes and feels very happy as the only girl in the family at this time. I don’t think she’s beleaguered by the lack of lavender sheets or pink magnet tiles, but I don’t have a problem with making her room more feminine.
I was concerned that the committee was once again going to impose something on my that would compromise my family, and this focus is a relief to me. While to me this feels like minutia I understand others have a different perspective on what is important. In any case, it’s all very easily remedied – I’ll spend a couple of hundred shekels on pink curtains and pink sheets, and maybe find a girly looking wall decoration. Voila. A suitable foster home for a little girl.
For someone who has an critical eye to find so little to complain about feels like a major accomplishment, and I’m pleased with the outcome.
Avivah
What a petty thing to complain about. It’s like my landlord not finding anything significant to complain about so he told me I don’t take care of the apartment and I don’t care about how I live because (get this) I the trisim are dirty.
It was so stupid and petty, but such a relief that a person who came to seek out what was wrong found only something petty and laughable to complain about. BH.
You are handling it amazing though. (But I think you can get what you need for less than a few hundred shekel, honestly.)
I once had a landlord who made the same complaint about the trissim, Chana! And one tile behind the toilet she said wasn’t cleaned well. It was an unpleasant experience for me and I’m sorry your landlord was so judgmental and unkind to you.
I cannot believe this. It’s a good thing they won’t be visiting our home, they may demand a replace for our girls chas veshalom.
You are so good at knowing to view upsetting sitiuations like these in a way that doesn’t magnet you down with harsh self feelings like it would have if it were me.
LOL about them demanding a replacement for your girls! 🙂
Avivah, this is amazing feedback if you think about it! She was giving you an A++ grade really. For whatever reason, she could not allow herself to say that so B”H these were her comments. It’s actually rather hilarious, as the rest of the world besides religious people are tearing down gender differences, that this lady wants to make them stronger. Great, do it, why not! We believe boys and girls are different. We don’t think those difference necessarily manifest in colors or wall decorations but if accommodating these comments doesn’t hurt your daughter, why not. Yasher Koach to you and your family!!!
Rivka, I also thought this was like a winning report card! I was wracking my brains, trying to guess what she was going to report as a problem and though I kept trying to put it to the side, every time it came up I got a bit anxious. I’m relieved and amused at the results.
Keep strong Avivah and Family. If these are the problems they found, you are doing pretty good. Seriously, I felt pain as I am reading what you wrote and I hope one day the adults will realize what a Bracha the Twins have by coming into your lovely family.
I’m very fortunate that everyone else around me is very supportive and appreciative of what we’re doing. Our social worker forwarded me the report she wrote to be submitted to the committee because she said she wanted me to know how she sees us. It was a really nice report.
I was chatting with her and her supervisor in the first fifteen minutes of this home visit when we were waiting for the other person to arrive, and the supervisor jokingly but appreciatively said to me, “Wow, can I send my kids to live with you?!” So this one person is the exception and I’m grateful for that.
Their “criticism” is laughable .. as if they had to find something to be negative about and landed on a flimsy – because there is nothing of importance that can be criticized. So unnecessary but a bit glad it was so because it reveals the shallowness and narrowness of the one who made their revealed their opinions by the focus of their narrow observation. Sad they couldn’t applaud the beautiful, substantive work you are accomplishing – but you answer to a higher authority whose perspective is faultless.
Thanks, Rebecca. Parenting by committee isn’t fun, that’s for sure. BH the kids are doing so well and all the others they are checking with (school staff) have confirmed everything I said, which is important.
They have to find “something” so I’m glad this is it! Great job!
Yes, that’s how it feels – like they can’t say everything is fine. I’m also so glad!