“How was your Pesach?”, I asked a friend a couple of days after the holiday ended, when we bumped into one another out shopping.
With a weary look, she replied, “Chag mitbach.” (The holiday of the kitchen.)
That succinctly sums up my experience. I went through cases of meat, chicken and vegetables, and who got to prepare almost all of it? Me.
Pesach was beautiful. We had two married sons for the first part of the holiday, along with my mother for the first two days, and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for the entire holiday. We made a second seder and second day holiday meals for them on both ends of the holiday.
My oldest son came with his family for part of chol hamoed, and then two married daughters came for the end of the holiday.
It was full, full, full of family and connection. Our newly renovated kitchen and living room very much enhanced the enjoyment of everyone being together, without feeling constricted. It was lovely.
It was also a huge amount of work.
With close to twenty people for every meal for a week and a half (we have a holiday meal each day of chol hamoed), it meant a lot of time spent daily preparing food for everyone while taking care of my children and trying to spend time with my grandchildren.
In order to accomplish what I needed to, I got up between 4 – 4:30 am the three days before Pesach so that I could make headway before the kids were awake. All other days except the first and last day of Pesach, I began at 6, with one late morning beginning at 7 am. I spent the next six to eight hours in the kitchen cooking while taking care of the kids.
Since I began eating carnivore, it’s been over a year since I had any lower back pain, but for several days my back was letting me know I was doing too much.
I enjoy cooking, I’m fast, efficient and organized – but it was a lot. I’m thinking about what I can do differently for the future to be able to spend more time with the people who are here, rather than spending time taking care of their needs. I’ve spoken to a few people who are at or past this stage in life to get suggestions from them. They all told me that it’s an impossible amount of work and I must have help from other people. The question is what to do to get help.
Obviously it’s on me to communicate my needs more effectively and ask for more help. At the same time, I have to accept that even with good communication, the help may fall short of what is needed.
I asked several of our married children for feedback on how we could make this more workable.
One daughter and daughter-in-law suggested asking people to bring their own sheets and to make their own beds. The teens set up all the guest rooms so having each couple keep a set of sheets for their use here will significantly cut down on the work the boys do to get ready. I had more than fifteen additional sets of linen to wash after the holiday just from guests (not including our immediate nine family members), and I’m still working through that laundry!
Another daughter said it’s easier for people to work in their own kitchens than help out in someone else’s kitchen, and I could ask them to each bring some prepared food to contribute. I’m a bit reluctant on that front. Most of our married children are coming by bus, and already shlepping a lot of things with them. I don’t want them to have even more things to load them down.
I’ve realized that for me, the work is the secondary issue. When we had guests who were around when I was working, even if they couldn’t actively help out because they were taking care of their children, I didn’t feel any frustration at all. It felt much different than when someone showed up right before the meal. I recognize that I feel unappreciated and taken for granted when people are only around during the meal, and this is the bigger issue for me than the work itself.
My day to day life is so full and with the holiday being non stop work, a week later I still feel depleted. The more a person gives, the more they need to replenish themselves, and I am aware that my self-nurturing input is way out of proportion to my caring for others output. I need to rebalance that, but it takes emotional energy to make the effort to do more self-care. For today, I’m going to get information about local yoga classes and a retreat for mothers in the summer, and take a nap later in the morning.
Avivah
My family is not as large as yours and we 1 couple first day (which was 2 with Shabbat) and the last YT we had our second couple. I bought from a caterer 3 very large potato kugel, and 2 small apple kugel, and 2 lg. pans brownies. this helped so much and I know I was able to sit more with my kids and Grands. I also prepared b4 3 lg. salads for the first days. I really simplified the food, yet it takes time. Again, no comparison between the size of families. If they had cars I would say bring the linen for sure. By bus its not so easy. If they had cars they could also bring Kugels, and cake but by bus no way. Maybe next year be’z either your boys can help with cooking, (I know they do so much besides this) or one of your daughters can come a few days b4 YT to help with cooking. There really isn’t an easy answer. I know you love cooking but maybe you need to buy a few sides like kugel to help in the food area.
Thank you for the comment, Rachelli. My boys learn every day of vacation until 1 pm and it’s important to them to have that time. As you said, they’re very helpful with everything year round (including cooking for Shabbos) and it’s not fair to ask them to do more to help with the marrieds; I think they would rightfully become resentful if asked to do more. They already set up, serve and clean up after all the meals, in addition to getting the guest rooms ready and cleaning.
There are a lot of people to host, and as I’ve said in a past post, married children turn into guests and hosting becomes becomes more and more work for those at home as more get married and fewer are available to help. My husband and I take a lot on ourselves so it doesn’t become too much for the older boys, but they really do a lot.
We don’t have a place locally to buy ready-made food, but I’m resistant to spending so much money on an inferior product so the availability is less of an issue than me not wanting to do that.
I could kasher my kitchen earlier and have more advance time to cook and freeze foods in advance, and I think next year I’ll do that. It will spread the work out but it doesn’t help with the issue of feeling that my work is unseen and unappreciated.
What would make a difference is if more adults would lend a hand rather than wait to be served. A friend said that people expect to be on vacation when they do to their mother/mother in law, and there’s truth in that.
yes, your married children are taking care of their children, but at home they do that plus take care of their houses. they can still pitch in by you and it will come out to less work. you need to decide what you’re comfortable delegating- could be kitchen tasks where they can sit and chat and sous-chef for you at the same time- this doesn’t remove so much mental load for you, but still multiplies what you can do with the time. could be adding your children onto theirs for outings and giving you some time alone to get a handle on the situation. it could be taking over your jobs with the animals (whichever ones still get done on chol hamoed, and to your specifications!). it will still be a vacation for them. but it’s okay for them to contribute. and i hope you arranged it so they let you nap midday. cutting down work and serving less also comes to mind. you posted lots of salads and kugels. those are complicated (however cheaper) compared to one-pan protein, starch, veg dish that you season and cook hands-off in the oven (without defrosting first!). or even not one-pan, just cooked in the oven. i have only my own small kids and i take all these shortcuts.
Sounds beautiful but overwhelming.
One suggestion that helps me…
I try to make sure that I have at least 1 day of every chol hamoed where I have no plans and no obligations to anyone. No hosting, no visits, no trips.
For that day’s seuda eat, I put together to the leftovers of the last 3-4 seudas. There is easily enough to make a meal and this can make for a fun spread.
If I have visitors staying with me for the entire chag, I let them know in advance that this is a great day for them to go off on a day trip. Usually they have places they want to go and people they want to visit by themselves anyhow.
If it appeals to you, you can even send off your at-home family on a trip for the afternoon, so that you can really just chill that day.
I find that one day to let myself rest, read, mooch around with the at-home family, and even be a little bored opens up more joy and energy for all the cooking, hosting and socializing associated with a week-long chag.
Hope this helps….