“How was your Pesach?”, I asked a friend a couple of days after the holiday ended, when we bumped into one another out shopping.
With a weary look, she replied, “Chag mitbach.” (The holiday of the kitchen.)
That succinctly sums up my experience. I went through cases of meat, chicken and vegetables, and who got to prepare almost all of it? Me.
Pesach was beautiful. We had two married sons for the first part of the holiday, along with my mother for the first two days, and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for the entire holiday. We made a second seder and second day holiday meals for them on both ends of the holiday.
My oldest son came with his family for part of chol hamoed, and then two married daughters came for the end of the holiday.
It was full, full, full of family and connection. Our newly renovated kitchen and living room very much enhanced the enjoyment of everyone being together, without feeling constricted. It was lovely.
It was also a huge amount of work.
With close to twenty people for every meal for a week and a half (we have a holiday meal each day of chol hamoed), it meant a lot of time spent daily preparing food for everyone while taking care of my children and trying to spend time with my grandchildren.
In order to accomplish what I needed to, I got up between 4 – 4:30 am the three days before Pesach so that I could make headway before the kids were awake. All other days except the first and last day of Pesach, I began at 6, with one late morning beginning at 7 am. I spent the next six to eight hours in the kitchen cooking while taking care of the kids.
Since I began eating carnivore, it’s been over a year since I had any lower back pain, but for several days my back was letting me know I was doing too much.
I enjoy cooking, I’m fast, efficient and organized – but it was a lot. I’m thinking about what I can do differently for the future to be able to spend more time with the people who are here, rather than spending time taking care of their needs. I’ve spoken to a few people who are at or past this stage in life to get suggestions from them. They all told me that it’s an impossible amount of work and I must have help from other people. The question is what to do to get help.
Obviously it’s on me to communicate my needs more effectively and ask for more help. At the same time, I have to accept that even with good communication, the help may fall short of what is needed.
I asked several of our married children for feedback on how we could make this more workable.
One daughter and daughter-in-law suggested asking people to bring their own sheets and to make their own beds. The teens set up all the guest rooms so having each couple keep a set of sheets for their use here will significantly cut down on the work the boys do to get ready. I had close to twenty sets of linen to wash after the holiday just from guests (not including our immediate nine family members), and I’m still working through that laundry!
Another daughter said it’s easier for people to work in their own kitchens than help out in someone else’s kitchen, and I could ask them to each bring some prepared food to contribute. I’m a bit reluctant on that front. Most of our married children are coming by bus, and already shlepping a lot of things with them. I don’t want them to have even more things to load them down.
I’ve realized that for me, the work is the secondary issue. When we had guests who were around when I was working, even if they couldn’t actively help out because they were taking care of their children, I didn’t feel any frustration at all. It felt much different than when someone showed up right before the meal. I recognize that I feel unappreciated and taken for granted when people are only around during the meal, and this is the bigger issue for me than the work itself.
My day to day life is so full and with the holiday being non stop work, a week later I still feel depleted. The more a person gives, the more they need to replenish themselves, and I am aware that my self-nurturing input is way out of proportion to my caring for others output. I need to rebalance that, but it takes emotional energy to make the effort to do more self-care. For today, I’m going to get information about local yoga classes and a retreat for mothers in the summer, and take a nap later in the morning.
Avivah
My family is not as large as yours and we 1 couple first day (which was 2 with Shabbat) and the last YT we had our second couple. I bought from a caterer 3 very large potato kugel, and 2 small apple kugel, and 2 lg. pans brownies. this helped so much and I know I was able to sit more with my kids and Grands. I also prepared b4 3 lg. salads for the first days. I really simplified the food, yet it takes time. Again, no comparison between the size of families. If they had cars I would say bring the linen for sure. By bus its not so easy. If they had cars they could also bring Kugels, and cake but by bus no way. Maybe next year be’z either your boys can help with cooking, (I know they do so much besides this) or one of your daughters can come a few days b4 YT to help with cooking. There really isn’t an easy answer. I know you love cooking but maybe you need to buy a few sides like kugel to help in the food area.
Thank you for the comment, Rachelli. My boys learn every day of vacation until 1 pm and it’s important to them to have that time. As you said, they’re very helpful with everything year round (including cooking for Shabbos) and it’s not fair to ask them to do more to help with the marrieds; I think they would rightfully become resentful if asked to do more. They already set up, serve and clean up after all the meals, in addition to getting the guest rooms ready and cleaning.
There are a lot of people to host, and as I’ve said in a past post, married children turn into guests and hosting becomes becomes more and more work for those at home as more get married and fewer are available to help. My husband and I take a lot on ourselves so it doesn’t become too much for the older boys, but they really do a lot.
We don’t have a place locally to buy ready-made food, but I’m resistant to spending so much money on an inferior product so the availability is less of an issue than me not wanting to do that.
I could kasher my kitchen earlier and have more advance time to cook and freeze foods in advance, and I think next year I’ll do that. It will spread the work out but it doesn’t help with the issue of feeling that my work is unseen and unappreciated.
yes, your married children are taking care of their children, but at home they do that plus take care of their houses. they can still pitch in by you and it will come out to less work. you need to decide what you’re comfortable delegating- could be kitchen tasks where they can sit and chat and sous-chef for you at the same time- this doesn’t remove so much mental load for you, but still multiplies what you can do with the time. could be adding your children onto theirs for outings and giving you some time alone to get a handle on the situation. it could be taking over your jobs with the animals (whichever ones still get done on chol hamoed, and to your specifications!). it will still be a vacation for them. but it’s okay for them to contribute. and i hope you arranged it so they let you nap midday. cutting down work and serving less also comes to mind. you posted lots of salads and kugels. those are complicated (however cheaper) compared to one-pan protein, starch, veg dish that you season and cook hands-off in the oven (without defrosting first!). or even not one-pan, just cooked in the oven. i have only my own small kids and i take all these shortcuts.
I’m thinking a lot about how to make it easier for next year, TG. You’ve made some great points.
Sounds beautiful but overwhelming.
One suggestion that helps me…
I try to make sure that I have at least 1 day of every chol hamoed where I have no plans and no obligations to anyone. No hosting, no visits, no trips.
For that day’s seuda eat, I put together to the leftovers of the last 3-4 seudas. There is easily enough to make a meal and this can make for a fun spread.
If I have visitors staying with me for the entire chag, I let them know in advance that this is a great day for them to go off on a day trip. Usually they have places they want to go and people they want to visit by themselves anyhow.
If it appeals to you, you can even send off your at-home family on a trip for the afternoon, so that you can really just chill that day.
I find that one day to let myself rest, read, mooch around with the at-home family, and even be a little bored opens up more joy and energy for all the cooking, hosting and socializing associated with a week-long chag.
Hope this helps….
Thank you for sharing, Naomi! It’s always nice to hear from you.
I did actually stay home when my family went on a trip one day. My teens wanted to know why I wasn’t coming, and I told them that the most enjoyable thing I could do for myself was to have some time alone with no one needing anything from me.
I think everyone has strong feelings about Pesach no matter what stage they are at!
My challenge this year was not being able to express to my guests that I needed help. We hosted (and are still hosting now) my in-laws and married daughter with her newborn baby, as well as lots of other guests for all the YT meals, ,including second day meals at both ends. Most meals were about 20 people, with a bris on Chol Hamoed for 45, and we use minimal processed products, so takeout is not an option, (although I am resistant to that for the same reasons as you, Avivah). Oh, and I am still nursing my own baby as well, who was understandably clingy! It was a huge amount of work,even with all my kids pitching in to help. I found that the emotional load of being unable to express to my guests that I needed a break was the hardest part.
I obviously couldn’t tell my kimpeturin daughter that I needed her help, or even that I needed a break from helping her, since she needed a tremendous amount of physical and emotional support during those first days after birth. My in-laws are elderly and while we are thrilled and blessed to have them with us for extended visits, I could never ask them to pitch in. While I have learned to take breaks and naps for myself unapologetically, there were days that I just couldn’t!
Since I knew that I had no choice this Pesach (and after Pesach!) to push myself physically, what helped was building spiritual moments into my day. I went to shul for vasikin at 5:30 am on the last day of YT, and that gave me tremendous inner calm for the rest of the day. I also tried to learn for 5 minutes from a sefer about the chag every day, to keep up the Pesach inspiration, as well as attending our yeshiva’s ne’ilas hachag celebration. I might have skipped it because of the enormous amount of work Motzei Pesach combined with preparing and serving another day of Pesach meals, but this year I felt that I needed the spiritual boost more than the (inadequate) hour of physical rest. And it did help, so now my challenge is trying to hold on to that inspiration as the physical demands continue.
May Hashem give us all strength to continue giving to others!
ex-kimpeturin multiple times here. first 3 times without my mother in the country, including one birth two weeks before pesach (spoiler alert- we were home for every meal but the seder. we hired cleaners and ate deli on matza. it was fine. yes, we eat everything on pesach under good hashgacha.) another birth two weeks before sukkos. my mother lives here now and is retired and not nursing any babies. guess what, she still only helps minimally and on her terms. last pesach i had a five-week-old. she offered me a bit of takeout (she actually offered it for the purim seuda right before the birth and i asked to push it off to pesach, because cooking for purim wasn’t much work) and hadn’t planned on inviting me for chag. i invited myself for only the last night and she agreed. all this to say, YES you can articulate your boundaries, and it is not a foregone conclusion that you could not tell your daughter you needed a break from helping her and she can do what all the other new mothers do and figure it out. if you create for yourself the role of “taken for granted that you will help” it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and grounds for much resentment going forward.
TG, I see that I wasn’t clear in my first comment.
I was not trying to join a “I worked the hardest” fest, or to discuss how much help I choose to give my family. Every child’s needs are different, and my husband and I felt strongly that this daughter needed as much help as possible at this time. I don’t feel this way about all my children, and I try to never compare and to raise my family without comparisons. I have also been a kimpeturin many times without help, over YT and other challenging times. We do what we have to do, but that doesn’t mean that such a situation is ideal. (My daughter and her husband, by the way, have been incredibly grateful and thankful for what we have given them, and often ask if they are intruding or overstepping their bounds.)
My point, and I do feel strongly about this, is that doing something with a bad attitude, or while complaining, is not doing it. If I can only do something while announcing to my family how difficult it is and how overworked I am, I am literally negating whatever benefits there are to my actions. My kids will remember my attitude more than how many potatoes I peeled.
What this means to me is that if I have agreed to do something, I do it without complaint, and recalibrate for next time if necessary. (Eg, on Pesach we only use unshelled nuts, and squeeze our own oranges and lemons. As long as I am okay with those hours spent shelling nuts, as long as it is an enjoyable – or bearable – family activity, I do it every year with a smile. If I can’t handle those jobs anymore, I will either buy shelled nuts or do without, not do it and complain. Or, my husband is not home at all on Yom Kippur, and so far it works for us. If I see that it isn’t working anymore, I will discuss the possibility of him staying home rather than let him go and feel like a martyr, because my children will pick up on my attitude – and my complaints! – post-fast.)
In this case, once I decided to host my kimpeturin daughter, (and it was not at all a given), I was going to do it without expressing frustration or difficulty, and I did! (I also set boundaries. I don’t get up with the newborn at night, I don’t do my daughter’s laundry, etc.)
My kids all say that they love Pesach despite the hard work and limitations, and I am thrilled that they feel that way. This year, I found it (unexpectedly) difficult to keep going without complaining or expressing my frustration, (and I probably slipped up a few times.) I am glad that I had sources of inspiration to keep myself going while remaining true to myself and my priorities.
Shoshana, I love everything you wrote about if you’re going to do something, do it with a giving heart. It’s so important. I also don’t believe in being a martyr or whining and complaining to everyone, though I do sometimes complain despite my best intentions.
Some situations push us beyond our comfort zone and it takes effort to find a way to shift into a new zone; that shift doesn’t usually come without some discomfort (which might mean expressing frustration and that’s okay). There’s no shame in not being able to magically give and give without any blips along the way. Mazel tov on your new grandchild!
TG, it’s true that we all are responsible to articulate our own boundaries. There are also situations in which someone is willing to push himself because it’s there’s a higher value than physical comfort. I had ten children with almost no help any of those times, and it’s true that you can make do and I did and you did. Tips for how to make it work at those times are very helpful.
But if someone can get help, it makes such a huge difference. And there are situations in which the post-birth assistance is more than nice, but is critical.
I wish that I could offer assistance to my daughters after birth and I regret that I’m not able to do much. Even when one daughter came to stay with us after birth, I wasn’t able to help in a meaningful way because I’m so busy with my own children. If a mother can, it’s a very special gift.
Thank you for sharing all of this, Shoshana. I could identify so much with all that you wrote. Sometimes all there is to do is to find small moments to recharge yourself.
It’s hard to understand what it means to be in this sandwich position of caring for parents, married children and young children of your own until they are in that situation. I’ve been hesitant to share here because describing it sounds like complaining, which I’m not. I’m just describing some of what it looks like, and I read what you write as doing the same. To someone reading or listening, it can sound obvious that you need to do less but that’s not always the reality.
shoshana- the only reason i decided to comment was your sentence “I obviously couldn’t tell my kimpeturin daughter … that I needed a break from helping her”.
no, not obvious.
i reread both your comments several times and still think you might sound like a martyr. you articulated that you like it and know everyone appreciates it, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to make that decision (besides maybe your husband’s). but you also did express that things were “hard” in a way that sounded like you may not have been completely satisfied with how difficult they were. that was the basis for my response.
TG, I read the same comment as you and came away with a completely different take, and I think the difference is that I’ve been in these shoes and know how hard it is – I’m not a martyr and it’s a position that I try very hard to avoid, but it’s very challenging to simultaneously juggle so many needs. Sometimes you don’t realize how much a situation will demand of you until you’re in it and realize you don’t have enough support, but you can’t back out or make significant changes at that stage. Hindsight is 20/20 but you don’t have that going into a situation, so what may be obvious later on wasn’t apparent from the start. What is left in that period of challenge is to find a way to stay positive and avoid resentment.
It was so interesting to hear all the different ways the women find to help them in such busy times. That is the best learning experience for me. To hear and see what I can take from others to help me either be more organized, making sure you have time to yourself. Thank you ladies for posting!
I agree, Rachelli, and appreciate everyone who took time to share feedback and suggestions. Lots of food for thought!
Would it be possible for each married couple to be entirely responsible for a meal – gives you a break both from consideration, planning and execution. And increase the opportunity to enjoy the grandchildren.
It’s a really good idea, Rebecca, thank you for the idea! I think that an entire meal would be overwhelming for them, but I can adapt that idea to assigning each couple being responsible to help for one meal.
i think you are a true giver, and if you cook and freeze much in advance, a lot of resentment will dissipate. no one can cook for all that just a few days in advance without overworking themselves. many women i know start cooking and freezing weeks in advance to pace themselves. a lot of the food we serve is freezable (soups, meats, cakes, even a huge batch of fried onions can be frozen, to be more easily used in other dishes – i read it somewhere and tried it this year and it was helpful!). Maybe an extra freezer. Lots of ideas out there of how to make a quasi-pesach kitchen for early cooking, even with just a covered foldable table and a crockpot (there is a cookbook out there written by a woman who does this, sounds great!).
Anyway, sounds like you made a beautiful yom tov and brought together family, and it’s great how you always process and try to think of ideas of how to get through it even better and better iyH each year, iyH with lots of joy and good health, amen!
Thank you for the suggestions, Jillian! BH I didn’t really feel resentful, but I was aware I was maxxing myself out and was too close to the edge for comfort. I agree about doing more in advance. This year we were renovating the kitchen so that wasn’t an option, but I’ve already looked at the calendar for when Pesach falls out next year (Weds. night), and am going to turn over a week in advance to do exactly what you suggested. I’m also going to ask people to do specific tasks, and let them know before they come what help I would appreciate so it’s clear in advance.
I would love to hear more details about what kind of help you can ask for and how to do it in a way they’ll be received. I understand your situation and have been looking for clarity on this topic for a long time!( how to adjust to your kids turning from being helpers to guests, feeling unseen and unappreciated In carrying all this work alone, managing expectations about how much single kids, married kids and their spouses should be contributing, keeping everyone happy, giving everyone enough attention without completely depleting yourself in the process etc etc!!)
It’s such a sensitive topic, H, and I can always tell those who are in it by the immediate understanding of how complex it is!
I have no idea if this would work for your or your marrieds, but I wonder if it would be helpful if instead of a whole family coming for a meal, one of the parents (perhaps with older children who are more independent/can help or a baby who can’t be left alone) comes earlier – even the night before – to help, and then the rest of the family comes for the meal. That way you get more help and get to spend more time with children/grandchildren, the parent who comes gets a break from their own house and kids, and the grandchildren get a chavayah. I know that a lot of the kids are traveling long distances by bus, and obviously whether this idea is at all viable depends a lot on the family dynamics/needs of all involved.
Also, I vote that if marrieds offer to bring food, take them up on it – even if they are shlepping by busses. Worst case scenario, if they see it’s too difficult, they won’t do it again.
I am not yet in your situation so I’m just reading and learning. Would love to hear how it works out!
Do you find that someone helping you in the kitchen also works as a time to connect and talk? Maybe that’s a way to combine both and be efficient?
My issue at the moment is different in that my resentment comes from family dysfunction and particular family members being basically very rude about anything we do for them eg they will roll eyes, complain about the food, refuse to help, insist on using a smartphone while eating with loud pinging when we’ve clearly said we don’t do that in our family. Etc. This last person unfortunately will not change their behaviour despite us asking but are a family member who other family expect to be there so it is very difficult to know whether to let them back into the house. I have decided not to host family for the time being for this reason because it is not fair on our children to be exposed to this sort of disrespect of their home and only inviting family members who can behave like normal adults causes drama with those who can’t. It is hard to recover from this level of ingratitude and I’m really struggling not to feel like a martyr at the moment. I’m hoping that our family and children grow, we can recover some of that sense of large family eating together and I’m very sure to help them become helpful and healthy adults without that sort of dysfunction.
I love spending time with people, so if I’m spending time with someone, even if they aren’t helping out, that’s fine for me. The hard part for me is if someone doesn’t spend time with me, and then partakes of the fruits of my labor. I feel a bit like the Little Red Hen – no wants wants to help but everyone wants to eat the final product.
Wow, what a hard situation, K! Sometimes there are people you’re expected to have and if they don’t respect your limits, then it’s just too much to be around them. I was having an in depth conversation with someone else just a couple of days ago who is struggling with this same thing, and it’s a huge issue. I hope you give yourself time to emotionally recuperate.
Thank you! Yes it’s the crossing of boundaries that really gets to me. And also being the Little Red Hen like you said (I recently read a Jewish version of the book to my kids and I was laughing out loud how much better I can relate to it as an adult!).
Just wanted to mention that in my case I’m talking about people with significant past trauma and/or significant mental health history who are part of our family. So it’s not necessarily exactly their fault although it’s so hard to draw that boundary because you never really know how much control someone has over their behaviour. There are other family members who have been through worse and are absolutely wonderful and so helpful. But everyone has different capacity to deal with these issues. And, like with people who are healthy and kind and just not helping out enough for whatever reason, on the one hand it is lovely to be able to give with an open heart and not expect anything in return. On the other hand, we are only human and sometimes too much giving doesn’t help anyone but just creates resentment and unrealistic expectations.
So hard to navigate.
This was such a good post, clearly created a lot of discussion and introspection for many of us.
Personally, the biggest problem I have with either helping or getting help is knowing what needs to be done. Is there a way to make a list /chart of tasks that others can do (set the table, cut salads, do dishes). Post it, and then when people come in ask them to pick something. Maybe not everyone every meal but the expectation is that each family helps out some meal. Just a thought. When I am very clear on what I need I do get help. managing people all the time is hard so a list would let them self manage.
It’s a great idea, N, thank you for suggesting it! It can be hard when busy with the work itself to step back to think about what to delegate. I like the idea of a list very much.