I heard the chickens making lots of noise early this morning and ran out with a broomstick in hand in case there was a predator. Nothing was wrong, thankfully, and I let them out to free range in the yard.
It was almost six o’clock so I went in the house and washed off the chicken I defrosted the night before, and put it on the grill to send to school with ds12. This is the first thing I do every morning. I prepare enough that the children who are ready in time can sit down to eat freshly grilled chicken before they go to school.
Once the chicken was on the grill, it was time to wake up the kids. Dd7 was already up and complaining she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go to school. (This is a common theme – she usually says different parts of her body hurt her when it’s time to go to school and time for bed). I gave her some hugs and sympathy, then went to the boys. I like to give them plenty of time to slowly wake up before needing to get out of bed, so I sing a ‘good morning to everyone’ song while opening the blinds to let the sunlight in and patting their heads.
While they gradually wake up, I prepare their lunches.
Ds12 complained that his body was sore so I rubbed an essential oil blend on him, and gave him the roller to apply more himself if he wanted to. He finished with that and got dressed.
After finishing the lunches, I turned on cheerful accapella songs; the younger boys got out of bed and I helped them choose their clothes. I sent ds7 to the boys room and ds8 to my room to get dressed since when they’re together neither of them get dressed.
I sat with dd7 in her room while she continued insisting she wouldn’t go to school. After undressing and dressing her from head to toe with no cooperation on her part, I put her on my lap, hugging and rocking her for about five minutes. I got up to help the boys, and she followed me, holding on to my clothing.
All three boys were in my room, and neither of the younger ones had made any progress getting dressed. Earlier in the year it got frustrating when they weren’t dressed after repeated reminders and plenty of time, so I mentally established a time limit by when I’ll start helping them get undressed and dressed if they aren’t ready and we were at that time. Setting this mental boundary was very helpful for me in taking away any frustration about how long it takes them to get ready. (Ds8 used to get ready quickly and easily on his own but once the twins arrived that changed.)
I convinced ds12 to leave my room – it usually takes some negotiation to transition him from one activity to another and it’s important but not easy to keep things upbeat and light even when he refuses to move – and went into the kitchen to give him a plate of food for breakfast. Then I took ds7 to his room to help him get ready.
I calmly told ds7 that I’m going to help him, and asked him to raise his arms to take off his pajama shirt. While I helped him get undressed, he got angry and insisted he would get dressed himself and doesn’t want help. (It’s been forty minutes since he woke up by this point.) I tell him ‘that’s fine, of course you can’.
Knowing this won’t happen without some input from me, I stayed close by. He put his pants on backwards without putting on underwear. I reminded him he needs to put on underwear first and turn the pants around before putting them on. He insists he’s going to get dressed himself. “Of course you can, go ahead,” I tell him.
Leaving him to put clothes on, I brush dd7’s hair, which usually entails a great deal of screeching (from her, not me). Knowing how very emotionally dysregulated she is feeling, I remind myself to be extra patient and kind despite her flashing angry eyes and repeated declarations that she’s not going to school.
Ds8 comes out of my room, dressed. Ds7 comes out of his room with his shirt on, but the shirt is inside out and the tzitzis underneath are backwards. I help him take off the shirt, turn the tzitzis around, turn the shirt right side out and he tells me he’s going to get dressed himself. Of course you are, here’s your shirt.
With all three younger children finally dressed, I give them something to eat they can hold in their hands because it’s close to the time we need to go out to wait for the school bus. Ds7 insists he wants grilled chicken, and I remind him I can only give that to them when they are ready earlier in the morning.
“We’re going to go out in three minutes. Does anyone need the bathroom? Would anyone like a drink of water?”
After doling out drinks, out we go to wait for the school van, cheerful music still playing. The boys walk out ahead of me, with dd7 clinging to my hand. One of the boys tells me ds12 did something to annoy the younger two boys, so I do some peacemaking with them all, with dd7 still holding on to me.
With all of them friends again, I picked up dd and held her for a few minutes, before putting her down because she got heavy and rocking back and forth in a standing position and hugging her against me. The first school van arrived and ds12 and ds8 went in without any drama.
While we continued waiting, I held dd7 again, while ds7 found pieces of wood to play with. Their van pulled into our street, and surprisingly, ds7 ran to it willingly while I followed with dd. As I put dd on the van, I saw a flash of something in ds’s hand and asked him to show me what he had. He had picked up a piece of a metal broomstick and it was then obvious that he had been trying to smuggle it onto the van before I would see what he had. He isn’t allowed to have anything on the van since he’s used every possible item to bang on windows, make noise and bother everyone. (A number of times I’ve had to keep him home from school since he wasn’t allowed on the bus due to behavior.) I took the broken metal stick with me and waved goodbye to them.
Today was a typical morning. There are mornings that are much harder for me to stay calm. But however the morning goes, every single day I feel accomplished to have everyone dressed, fed, in a good mood, and ready for the bus at 7 am. I know if someone were to see all of them standing outside with me, calm and interacting pleasantly, clean and nicely dressed, he would assume it must be easy for me.
The truth is that it takes effort on my part every single day not to get sucked in to all of the emotions and delays in getting ready. Sometimes it’s easier for me to make that effort and sometimes it’s much harder to stay centered, but usually I’m able to stay calm. It’s worth the effort, since when I’m calm I can be kind, and when I’m kind, the morning goes more smoothly than it would otherwise.
Avivah
I was sure DD was going to end up at home. You are an extremely patient Mom Avivah which is just beautiful to read about and I can imagine you running back forth between the children/ and kitchen. I need a vacation just reading about it. I hope you got a rest in the morning. It was also a victory when you told DS that he could not have chicken because it was too late and he didn’t argue back. (or you didn’t write about it). That’s a victory.
Dd7 needs very clear and consistent boundaries; I don’t have the luxury of letting her stay home when she claims she doesn’t feel well, since if I open that door one time, I’ll never hear the end of it.
About the chicken – ds7 only made a minor protest because he was happy with the substitute that I provided him with, and also because he saw I put a cookie in his lunch. 🙂
WOW just WOW. I am amazed at your patience and effort and good middos. How much work goes into each step! you are a superwoman. I learn from you! May Hashem bless you with endless nachas
Believe me, Sara, I’m really not superwoman. Sometimes I feel completely maxxed out! But BH usually in the mornings I have a lot of patience and calm – at the end of the day it’s harder.
It sounds so emotionally draining! May Hashem keep giving you the strength and patience to continue investing in the twins. You are very special! This is superhuman efforts that not many can do.
Chanie, it’s not superhuman. We grow our physical muscles by continually adding more weights, and emotional muscles are the same – I don’t always stay patient but my capacity to handle different situations with our children has grown over time.
And thank you for the bracha, amen!
I like the live chicken (rooster?) hanging out next to the chicken on the bbq!
Your patience is inspirational. I had a challenging morning today and your post popped into my mind, reminding me to keep my cool.
I know, there’s an irony somewhere there about a chicken walking around right next to the chicken being cooked…
I’m so glad it was helpful in your challenging moment – thank you for letting me know, Shani!
a lot of this sounds like my house, where it’s six kids ages 1-12, who are more typically developing but some have ADHD, maybe ODD, and all are stubborn. we try to have everyone possible dressed at night for the morning (not the ones in bais yaakov uniforms that will crease), and will not dress any child over age 4 (the almost-4yo can dress himself but still gets a reward for doing it). most of the balagan is on my husband, who wakes up early, while i try to sleep as late as possible (until 6:50) before changing the baby (who has been up distracting everyone else until then), taking her to maon, and continuing on to work. the oldest four are in pairs on their buses and take themselves after we both leave with the little two. next year we plan to send #5 with the older boys on the van to make things easier on us.
if i tried to offer chicken to my fleishophobes in the morning, i’d never hear the end of it.
Sounds like a busy morning at your house, TG!
I didn’t initially offer the kids chicken in the morning. I grilled it for ds12’s lunch, and they all began requesting to have it to eat before they left for school. So I started making more so they could also have some. I’m glad for them to get something into them that feeds their brain and stabilizes blood sugar first thing in the day!
“I know if someone were to see all of them standing outside with me, calm and interacting pleasantly, clean and nicely dressed, he would assume it must be easy for me.”
Aviva, this sentence resonated with me. It’s important to give chizuk to ourselves to remember that HaShem sees what no one else does.
And I always feel my biggest accomplishments in my growth as a person are these types of morning as you described (which often takes place very early as you wrote). Often what people compliment me for are for “bigger” and more impressive looking things. But I am so grateful for the moments when I hold it together (when tired/time pressured, etc) and give intimately for the “smallest” of things to the people I love.
Thank you for this post.
Miriam, you’re so right that people see the big things but are unaware of the things that seem so small that they seem insignificant. I also feel these are my biggest victories, when no one is looking but I act from my higher self.