All posts by Avivah

Just a regular morning..staying calm amidst it all

Parenting

I heard the chickens making lots of noise early this morning and ran out with a broomstick in hand in case there was a predator. Nothing was wrong, thankfully, and I let them out to free range in the yard.

It was almost six o’clock so I went in the house and washed off the chicken I defrosted the night before, and put it on the grill to send to school with ds12. This is the first thing I do every morning. I prepare enough that the children who are ready in time can sit down to eat freshly grilled chicken before they go to school.

Once the chicken was on the grill, it was time to wake up the kids. Dd7 was already up and complaining she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go to school. (This is a common theme – she usually says different parts of her body hurt her when it’s time to go to school and time for bed). I gave her some hugs and sympathy, then went to the boys. I like to give them plenty of time to slowly wake up before needing to get out of bed, so I sing a ‘good morning to everyone’ song while opening the blinds to let the sunlight in and patting their heads.

While they gradually wake up, I prepare their lunches.

Ds12 complained that his body was sore so I rubbed an essential oil blend on him, and gave him the roller to apply more himself if he wanted to. He finished with that and got dressed.

After finishing the lunches, I turned on cheerful accapella songs; the younger boys got out of bed and I helped them choose their clothes. I sent ds7 to the boys room and ds8 to my room to get dressed since when they’re together neither of them get dressed.

I sat with dd7 in her room while she continued insisting she wouldn’t go to school. After undressing and dressing her from head to toe with no cooperation on her part, I put her on my lap, hugging and rocking her for about five minutes. I got up to help the boys, and she followed me, holding on to my clothing.

All three boys were in my room, and neither of the younger ones had made any progress getting dressed. Earlier in the year it got frustrating when they weren’t dressed after repeated reminders and plenty of time, so I mentally established a time limit by when I’ll start helping them get undressed and dressed if they aren’t ready and we were at that time. Setting this mental boundary was very helpful for me in taking away any frustration about how long it takes them to get ready. (Ds8 used to get ready quickly and easily on his own but once the twins arrived that changed.)

I convinced ds12 to leave my room – it usually takes some negotiation to transition him from one activity to another and it’s important but not easy to keep things upbeat and light even when he refuses to move – and went into the kitchen to give him a plate of food for breakfast. Then I took ds7 to his room to help him get ready.

I calmly told ds7 that I’m going to help him, and asked him to raise his arms to take off his pajama shirt. While I helped him get undressed, he got angry and insisted he would get dressed himself and doesn’t want help. (It’s been forty minutes since he woke up by this point.) I tell him ‘that’s fine, of course you can’.

Knowing this won’t happen without some input from me, I stayed close by. He put his pants on backwards without putting on underwear. I reminded him he needs to put on underwear first and turn the pants around before putting them on. He insists he’s going to get dressed himself. “Of course you can, go ahead,” I tell him.

Leaving him to put clothes on, I brush dd7’s hair, which usually entails a great deal of screeching (from her, not me). Knowing how very emotionally dysregulated she is feeling, I remind myself to be extra patient and kind despite her flashing angry eyes and repeated declarations that she’s not going to school.

Ds8 comes out of my room, dressed. Ds7 comes out of his room with his shirt on, but the shirt is inside out and the tzitzis underneath are backwards. I help him take off the shirt, turn the tzitzis around, turn the shirt right side out and he tells me he’s going to get dressed himself. Of course you are, here’s your shirt.

With all three younger children finally dressed, I give them something to eat they can hold in their hands because it’s close to the time we need to go out to wait for the school bus. Ds7 insists he wants grilled chicken, and I remind him I can only give that to them when they are ready earlier in the morning.

“We’re going to go out in three minutes. Does anyone need the bathroom? Would anyone like a drink of water?”

After doling out drinks, out we go to wait for the school van, cheerful music still playing. The boys walk out ahead of me, with dd7 clinging to my hand. One of the boys tells me ds12 did something to annoy the younger two boys, so I do some peacemaking with them all, with dd7 still holding on to me.

With all of them friends again, I picked up dd and held her for a few minutes, before putting her down because she got heavy and rocking back and forth in a standing position and hugging her against me. The first school van arrived and ds12 and ds8 went in without any drama.

While we continued waiting, I held dd7 again, while ds7 found pieces of wood to play with. Their van pulled into our street, and surprisingly, ds7 ran to it willingly while I followed with dd. As I put dd on the van, I saw a flash of something in ds’s hand and asked him to show me what he had. He had picked up a piece of a metal broomstick and it was then obvious that he had been trying to smuggle it onto the van before I would see what he had. He isn’t allowed to have anything on the van since he’s used every possible item to bang on windows, make noise and bother everyone. (A number of times I’ve had to keep him home from school since he wasn’t allowed on the bus due to behavior.) I took the broken metal stick with me and waved goodbye to them.

Today was a typical morning. There are mornings that are much harder for me to stay calm. But however the morning goes, every single day I feel accomplished to have everyone dressed, fed, in a good mood, and ready for the bus at 7 am. I know if someone were to see all of them standing outside with me, calm and interacting pleasantly, clean and nicely dressed, he would assume it must be easy for me.

The truth is that it takes effort on my part every single day not to get sucked in to all of the emotions and delays in getting ready. Sometimes it’s easier for me to make that effort and sometimes it’s much harder to stay centered, but usually I’m able to stay calm. It’s worth the effort, since when I’m calm I can be kind, and when I’m kind, the morning goes more smoothly than it would otherwise.

Avivah

I had a meeting with the therapist and it didn’t go how I expected

Foster Care

I had a meeting with the therapist who until now I’ve used as a resource person to navigate the logistics of the foster care system. She’s very experienced and knowledgeable, and I respect her professionalism and compassionate understanding of children. Although she works independently, my visits to her are dictated by social services and paid for by the foster care agency, so I’ve never felt safe to share anything too personal, though it would be a relief to speak to someone who understands foster parenting. Foster parenting has similarities to regular parenting but is on a different scale of challenge as there is deep trauma and loss that manifest in various issues.

I reached out to her because I decided it’s time to ask for help with more than logistics.

I wanted to talk with her about the anger I feel sometimes towards ds7 and some of his behaviors, and get suggestions on how to move beyond that.

I told her about what we experience with ds7 and concluded by suggesting that it seems I need to do some deeper inner work to effectively parent him so that I’m not triggered by some of his behaviors.

I didn’t anticipate at all what direction she would go in.

She told me that if she was asked to recommend a foster family, she would wholeheartedly recommend us without reservation. She stated that we have an unusual capacity that few people have to deal with trauma behaviors (I have less confidence in my capacity than she does), but at the same time, it’s important for me to recognize that I have limits, limits that are reasonable and to acknowledge that I have a red line.

I appreciated that. As much as I want to be endlessly understanding and compassionate, I’m not and I can’t be, and it’s not even a realistic expectation even though I want to be like that.

Then she asked for more details of the behaviors.

After hearing the specifics, she said that the intensity of what he does leads her to consider that his needs might not be able to met in any home environment. She said the anger I sometimes feel is very understandable, that anyone would be upset at the things I described. She suggested we began to consider a different kind of placement for ds, because with such challenging behaviors, a staff has advantages over one set of parents; they have a shift and know they only have to tolerate what he does until the end of their shift and they go home for a break. When you live with it, you never get a break and it is exhausting.

She stressed that if he’s going to go into this kind of framework, the sooner the better because the more used to a loving home he is, the harder the transition will be to dormitory living.

I don’t see what the benefits to him would be of being in a dorm, other than having more staff to supervise him. He wouldn’t be loved and cared about the way he is here, it’s unlikely he would experience any emotional healing or advance academically, and his future would be very limited.

I told her if I felt we really couldn’t help him and I really couldn’t deal with his behaviors, I would consider that but at the very least he deserves a year of getting the necessary support in school to be successful before concluding that he’s too much for a family to handle. Even with his regression and other challenging behaviors, he’s made huge gains; he’s much happier and calmer, better able to focus, process information and think.

I pointed out it would be very hard for all of us, particularly the younger children in our family if he were to leave, and she conceded that was true. She added, however, that him not being there might also be a relief for everyone, especially the younger children.

I shared my concern that he would be at high risk for abuse in a framework like that, and she agreed, but added that being who he is, he’ll be at high risk wherever he is and it’s not something I can protect him from.

I really respect this person so much, but this isn’t the direction I thought the conversation would go. I thought she would suggest perspectives on his actions or guidance on how to handle his outbursts. I never expected her to say that my anger was well justified and his behaviors point to him not being able to stay in a home environment.

I went home and shared all of this with my husband and we had the same response – we don’t agree with this direction at this time. It helped us both recommit to find a way to keep him with us as long as we can.

The question remains: how to find the compassion and energy to be patient and kind when I feel maxxed out? This is the question I wanted support with.

So far what is helping me the most is to tell myself that he’s a four year old. Technically he’s a few months from his eighth birthday, but part of what leads to frustration is expectation. He is very much like a four year old in every way except his birthdate, and by thinking of him in a way that is accurate for the stage he’s at, it helps reduce my expectations. It’s easier for me to feel compassion or patience rather than frustration when he does things that I think he shouldn’t be doing.

By the way, my meeting with the therapist took place before the meeting at the school last week. After the school meeting, she saw ds7 for the first time since her visit to our home when he first arrived. She looked at me in astonishment and looking emotional, asked, “What in the world is this?!”He’s really sweet!” She continued, “It doesn’t sound nice to say I’m surprised, but I am – based on his background and how he was when he came to you, and all the behaviors he has – I didn’t expect to see this.” I was glad she got to see a glimpse of his real self, so she has a more balanced picture of the child he is. When we discuss him in the future, I think it will be a different discussion.

Avivah

Vacation is over and the teens are back to yeshiva

Parenting

My house is settling back to normal as the teens are back to yeshiva. It’s always a little poignant for me when the teens are back to their usual schedule. I really enjoy having them around.

Before vacation ended they finished tiling and grouting the kitchen backsplash. It turned out beautifully.

They also did a garden project that wasn’t initially on the list of projects for this vacation. We had wooden stairs that lead to the chickens and goats, and I have a vague sense of apprehension going up with my hands full about the possibility of a step suddenly giving way. The wooden steps were fine for short term but I wanted to replace them with something more sturdy.


I researched how to build concrete stairs, and asked ds19 to build the wooden form for the stairs and I would do the rest. He did. The next step was to fill the area inside the stair form with rocks and building rubble to minimize the amount of concrete we would need. (Above you can see some of the rubble we used from the remains of the old kitchen backsplash).

Filling the stair form was quite a job. Before we moved in, the area where our animals now are was used as a dumping ground for trash, broken appliances and furniture for people who seemingly found it more convenient than walking a little further to throw it in the garbage dumpsters. We’ve cleared away a lot of garbage since we’ve been here, and now we cleared away all of the broken concrete pieces that remained to use as filler. I gathered a large percentage of the filler material together with the youngest three kids, with ds19 joining in and then completing the entire project with ds17.

We still needed forty 25 kg bags of concrete to fill in the space remaining – we bought just six bags to start, not knowing how much we would need. We went back four or five times, each time buying more bags of concrete, and after our last trip, ds17 told me that it would have to be enough because we finished the last of the hardware store’s supply!

I was planning to do what’s called a ‘dry pour’ since that’s physically less taxing but my boys wanted to do the traditional wet pour. I warned them that it would be hard physical labor but they insisted it wouldn’t be too hard. I can tell you they slept well both nights after mixing and pouring cement!

The finished stairs; to the side are the boards from the dissembled stair forms. All of the building materials can now be moved away

It wasn’t a small project and working with concrete was new to us, so another new skill learned!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we intended to close in our upstairs porch, but we didn’t do any work on that. That’s because the materials we needed couldn’t be ordered and delivered until after vacation was over. The porch will hopefully be done during summer vacation, unless we can do it in smaller chunks of time before that. There were enough renovations to keep us busy without another big project so none of us minded the delay.

Of course they weren’t working away all the time. At the end of last week they had a bike trip around the Kinneret, and when the pedal of ds15’s bike unexpectedly broke off, I had a chance to rescue him and bring water refills to everyone else. They slept well the night they got home from that trip, too!

There were other trips and activities, but mostly time was spent enjoying family. Everyone agreed it was a great bein hazmanim.

The first of the three teens to leave for yeshiva was my nineteen year old son. He’s starting at a different yeshiva in Jerusalem. His experience at the last yeshiva helped him clarify what is most important to him and why, and he looked for something else with these points in mind.

My seventeen year old and I took him to the bus; me as the driver and ds17 as the muscle to help him load all of his luggage into the storage compartment under the bus. After they said goodbye and ds17 got back in the car, he told me what a nice person his brother is. I told him it’s not something to take for granted that they feel that way about each other.

A few hours later ds15 got home from four days away. He went to Ramat Beit Shemesh, where he spent a night at a friend’s house, then spent Shabbos with my oldest daughter, then had Shabbos lunch with my oldest son. On Sunday his oldest four siblings got together at a park so he was able to join them there. From there he went back to Jerusalem with my second daughter and spent the night and part of the next day at her home. He really enjoys and appreciates his older siblings and his very cute nieces and nephews, and had a great trip.

My seventeen and fifteen year olds attend the same yeshiva ketana here in Yavneel. They always start back from vacation a day or two after all of the other yeshivas, so they went back today. I continually marvel at how incredibly blessed we were that this yeshiva opened right when we wanted to send ds17 away to yeshiva two years ago. Actually, I didn’t know they had opened and I did send him to a Beit Shemesh yeshiva for six weeks, before I found out about the local option and brought him back here. It’s been so perfect for our family.

The likelihood of any yeshiva in the country being very compatible with our approach to education is low, but a highly compatible yeshiva opening a short walk from our home is odds defying.

When we first met with the principal to learn about their approach, he spoke for about a half hour before he excused himself to take a call in the middle of our conversation. When he went out, I turned to my husband and exclaimed, “He has no idea who we are and what our approach is to education, and he’s talking just like us!”

It’s a mainstream charedi yeshiva under the auspices of a well-known and respected rosh yeshiva who has already opened two large yeshivas. It’s very nice that there is this compatibility, because their messages to the boys have reinforced our messages to our boys, rather than contradicting one another. We and the staff have a mutual regard and appreciation for one another, which is also very nice.

Ds17 started learning there two and a half years ago, and ds15 began there a year and a half ago. Next year ds17 will be going to yeshiva gedola. His rebbeim spent a lot of time speaking to him about different options and going over the advantages and disadvantages of each. It’s an important decision and I appreciated their concern and input.

He had the best yeshivas in Jerusalem (Bnei Brak isn’t our style) recommended for him as a good fit and around Chanuka went to visit a number of them. I’ve gained perspective with my last four boys going to yeshiva gedola. Even though as a parent there’s the ego (or more nicely put, pride) aspect of having a son in one of the ‘top’ yeshivas, I have my reservations. My hesitations aren’t about if he can be successful there, because I’m confident he can hold his own anywhere.

The question that he and I both had was where he can grow the most as a person and in his learning. We had a number of discussions about what the gains could be for him at each yeshiva.

When his yeshiva made the decision to open a first year yeshiva gedola class next year, that became a serious option for him. He has excellent rebbeim, he’s grown tremendously during his time there, and he has a great chavrusa who was also considering joining the new group forming at this yeshiva. (They already have a yeshiva gedola/kibbutz for students that have already completed a couple of years of yeshiva gedola, so this isn’t starting a completely new yeshiva but extending what already exists.)

He will be going to the local yeshiva gedola in the fall and living in the dorm there; he’ll come home once a month for Shabbos just like every other student. So I’m appreciating my last months with him living at home. Sigh. So much work goes into raising children, and they become mature and helpful and a pleasure to spend time with – and then they leave.

As I’ve said, time goes by quickly and I try to enjoy each stage that we’re at.

Avivah

Recovering from Pesach and recognizing what didn’t work for me

Pesach, Self-Growth

“How was your Pesach?”, I asked a friend a couple of days after the holiday ended, when we bumped into one another out shopping.

With a weary look, she replied, “Chag mitbach.” (The holiday of the kitchen.)

That succinctly sums up my experience. I went through cases of meat, chicken and vegetables, and who got to prepare almost all of it? Me.

Pesach was beautiful. We had two married sons for the first part of the holiday, along with my mother for the first two days, and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for the entire holiday. We made a second seder and second day holiday meals for them on both ends of the holiday.

My oldest son came with his family for part of chol hamoed, and then two married daughters came for the end of the holiday.

It was full, full, full of family and connection. Our newly renovated kitchen and living room very much enhanced the enjoyment of everyone being together, without feeling constricted. It was lovely.

It was also a huge amount of work.

With close to twenty people for every meal for a week and a half (we have a holiday meal each day of chol hamoed), it meant a lot of time spent daily preparing food for everyone while taking care of my children and trying to spend time with my grandchildren.

In order to accomplish what I needed to, I got up between 4 – 4:30 am the three days before Pesach so that I could make headway before the kids were awake. All other days except the first and last day of Pesach, I began at 6, with one late morning beginning at 7 am. I spent the next six to eight hours in the kitchen cooking while taking care of the kids.

Since I began eating carnivore, it’s been over a year since I had any lower back pain, but for several days my back was letting me know I was doing too much.

I enjoy cooking, I’m fast, efficient and organized – but it was a lot. I’m thinking about what I can do differently for the future to be able to spend more time with the people who are here, rather than spending time taking care of their needs. I’ve spoken to a few people who are at or past this stage in life to get suggestions from them. They all told me that it’s an impossible amount of work and I must have help from other people. The question is what to do to get help.

Obviously it’s on me to communicate my needs more effectively and ask for more help. At the same time, I have to accept that even with good communication, the help may fall short of what is needed.

I asked several of our married children for feedback on how we could make this more workable.

One daughter and daughter-in-law suggested asking people to bring their own sheets and to make their own beds. The teens set up all the guest rooms so having each couple keep a set of sheets for their use here will significantly cut down on the work the boys do to get ready. I had close to twenty sets of linen to wash after the holiday just from guests (not including our immediate nine family members), and I’m still working through that laundry!

Another daughter said it’s easier for people to work in their own kitchens than help out in someone else’s kitchen, and I could ask them to each bring some prepared food to contribute. I’m a bit reluctant on that front. Most of our married children are coming by bus, and already shlepping a lot of things with them. I don’t want them to have even more things to load them down.

I’ve realized that for me, the work is the secondary issue. When we had guests who were around when I was working, even if they couldn’t actively help out because they were taking care of their children, I didn’t feel any frustration at all. It felt much different than when someone showed up right before the meal. I recognize that I feel unappreciated and taken for granted when people are only around during the meal, and this is the bigger issue for me than the work itself.

My day to day life is so full and with the holiday being non stop work, a week later I still feel depleted. The more a person gives, the more they need to replenish themselves, and I am aware that my self-nurturing input is way out of proportion to my caring for others output. I need to rebalance that, but it takes emotional energy to make the effort to do more self-care. For today, I’m going to get information about local yoga classes and a retreat for mothers in the summer, and take a nap later in the morning.

Avivah

Seeing so much regression for ds, how to help him?

Foster Care

Ds7 is having a hard year, with a school placement where he doesn’t have the support he needs to be successful. I’ve been trying to get the necessary paperwork to apply for a different school for the coming year but I’ve been completely roadblocked by the foster care agency and social services.

In the beginning of November I took the twins for psychological evaluations that included an educational component, but despite being the one to make the appointments, take each of them out of school for the day to go to the appointment, sit with them throughout the entire evaluation, meet with a psychologist for over an hour for each of them, meet with the evaluator with my husband and I, and spend hours answering detailed online questionaires of many (hundreds?) of questions – I wasn’t allowed to see the results because I’m not a professional that needs to see it.

That was insulting and offensive to me. Everyone gets to see the results except the people who raise him?!?

Anyway, back to the technical issue – without having the evaluation, I couldn’t submit an application for a new school.

When the foster care agency finally received the assessment and sent it to ds’s school, the principal told them it doesn’t contain critical information necessary to know what kind of framework will meet his needs. Months of waiting for the results of this evaluation, and it doesn’t even contain the necessary information.

I said I would take him for the necessary evaluation and pay for it myself, but the foster care agency refused to allow me to take him, claiming it would be too hard on him to have to do another evaluation. (I told the social worker that the evaluation isn’t any more demanding than a regular school day for him.)

He’s having a hard time at school since he really needs one on one support in order to learn and appropriately socialize, and his frustration comes out when he gets home.

He’s been experiencing emotional regression since the beginning of the year, which I’ve expressed concern about to our social worker repeatedly. The positive changes when he left challenging behaviors behind in the first year with us were very encouraging, but it’s been sad and alarming to see it go in the opposite direction.

When he came, he acted like a very young toddler. He spoke in a babyish way, pointed at things instead of talking, and moved in an affected and unnatural way with mincing steps and small movements. My interpretation of these behaviors is that he associates being loved with being a baby, it’s become his position of emotional safety, so this is his emotional armor.

We did so, so much work to move him beyond this, for him to deeply internalize the feeling that he’s safe to be big in our home. He stopped doing all of these things – we hadn’t seen any of these behaviors for eighteen months.

Two months ago on Shabbos afternoon he hit the lowest point we’ve seen so far. One of our teens said something to him after ds7 hit ds8, and ds7 became very verbally aggressive and offensive towards that teen. My son brought him to me to help him get regulated, but nothing I did helped him. He became an infant, repeatedly trying to lay in dd’s wooden doll cradle as he said ‘ga ga’, wadded up fists, and an artificial high voice and tiny body movements. I kept him with me for over an hour, trying to help him relax and feel safe, but for the rest of the afternoon he continued acting like a small infant.

(Two days beforehand, several seventh grade boys in his school bullied him. This was obviously frightening for him, and was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. )

His descent into infantile behavior was deeply concerning for me. It’s upsetting not be able to get help to find him a more suitable school placement for next year, and not to be able to do anything to improve his current school situation. (Overall the school is fine, but his needs are much more intensive than what they are set up to handle.) As long as he remains in this school, all that’s left for me to do is try to manage his behaviors at home, which are challenging.

I initiated an appointment with the foster care therapist/advocate a couple of months ago to see if there was anything we could do about his school situation. She said she would set up a meeting of everyone involved, which finally took place a few days ago – it was his principal, teacher, the therapist, our social worker and me.

I wasn’t expecting much from this meeting, thinking it was ‘too little, too late’ as he needed help from the very beginning and here we are towards the end of the school year. I was pleasantly surprised, however.

The therapist said she had done extensive research into all of the schools all over the north part of Israel and there wasn’t a single option that would meet the needs of ds7. That being the case, she felt that he should stay at his current school so that he has continuity, and get one on one support inside the classroom. I don’t know if that’s possible or what that would look like, but that’s the direction that that will now be explored.

This doesn’t immediately help ds but I do feel there’s some official recognition of the difficult situation ds is in, and there’s now an attempt to get him the support he desperately needs and I appreciate that. I don’t know what will come of it, but knowing he can stay at his current school takes a lot of pressure off of me. I spent six months last year trying to get him a school placement and finally got him this spot where he is now just a month before school began. It was such a relief.

Then the school year began, his behavior quickly deteriorated and the relief was very short-lived. For the last few months I’ve been going through the same school placement issue as last year and it’s been draining and infuriating. I’m constantly feeling like I’m banging my head against a wall with no progress to show for my efforts.

In the last couple of months he’s made some gains from the extreme infantile behavior, but it’s still pronounced. I suppose all of this is teaching me patience – maybe? – because dealing with social services is all about waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to do something to help a child. I find this hard and wonder sometimes if to continue parenting him I have to become jaded and not think about the damage the system that is supposed to be helping does to the child.

There’s the reality of so much bureaucracy surrounding every single decision that needs to be made that everything is painfully slow. I see that those who work in the system have an acceptance of this glacial pace that I don’t have. If I did, it would make it much easier for me emotionally, but I don’t want to become a person who can see a child suffering and then say, ‘oh, well, that’s how it goes; yep, that’s a shame’. I haven’t yet found my balance in trying to help ds7 while accepting the limitations of the system, but I think that understanding how limited the system is and not expecting anything is an important first step.

Avivah

So much for my identity protection – meeting bio dad

Foster Care

With our particular situation as foster parents, our identity is protected from the bio parents for our safety. This is not always the case for foster parents but that’s how it was set up for us. As such, there are procedures in place when I take the kids to the visitation with their parents at the visitation center each week to preserve our anonymity – the parent goes in, then the supervisor calls to tell me the parent is there and that it’s okay for me to bring the kids in. We leave in reverse order, with enough time given for us to leave the parking lot before they tell the parent it’s okay to go out.

This has worked effectively for many months. Six weeks ago we switched to a new mediation center, and the social worker told me they would do something similar. That’s what they said, but that’s not what they’re doing.

The first week she confirmed it was okay to go in, but the second week when I called to confirm it was okay for us to get out of the car – I arrived ten minutes early and it’s hard for the kids to wait inside the car after a drive of almost an hour – the social worker chastised me for calling and told me of course I’m not allowed to come inside during someone else’s turn.

I reminded her that my identity is protected and I didn’t want to start the visit early, I just wanted to be able to get out of the car with the kids.

The next week they switched to a different supervising social worker but didn’t give me his number, so I wasn’t able to call to ascertain the parent was inside and they didn’t remember to give him my number with instructions to call me, so I waited until the last minute I could without being late for visitation. It’s been six weeks now and they haven’t called me except that first week.

At the last visit as I pulled up to the traffic circle next to the mediation center, I saw the twins’ father walking towards the building. I felt uneasy because dd7 was sitting in the front passenger seat and there were no other cars in the area so it would be a reasonable thing for him to look up. If he did, he would immediately know who I was. Fortunately he didn’t look up and the windows were closed so he didn’t hear the children calling his name.

Since I had seen him, I didn’t have to call to ascertain his arrival. The kids were very hyped up because they had seen him and it was hard for them to wait but I waited about eight minutes to be sure he was inside – it takes a maximum of two minutes to go in. There were still a few minutes until our appointment but knowing the coast was clear, I took the kids to wait outside of the building entrance so they could get some of their energy out.

There is a path leading to the building entrance and there are high walls on each side, so you can’t see the entrance unless you are directly opposite it. The parking lots are on the sides of the building so as you approach after getting out of your vehicle, there’s no way to see anyone until you turn into the path.

I was holding dd’s hand and ds ran a little bit ahead of me. As he turned the corner into the path, I heard him exclaim, “Abba!” For some reason, his father had come back outside, which has never happened before.

I thought, “Oh, no, what am I supposed to do now?” I couldn’t stay on the other side of the wall since I couldn’t leave ds7 unattended, but if I turned the corner to get him, his father would see me.

Well, there was no choice but to turn the corner and get ds7. I accepted that this has to happen and there’s no reason for it to be a big deal.

As I turned into the pathway, ds had just asked his father something and his father tensely responded, “I’m not allowed to be here.” He faced the building and kept his back towards me with his gaze averted. I saw the cigarette he had just thrown down and realized he had gone outside to smoke.

Feeling conscious of his proximity just a few feet away, I told dd that we needed to go wait to the side of the building and give her father his turn to go in, and then it would be our turn. Ds7 was confused why we couldn’t wait there and didn’t want to go, so I had to take his hand to lead him away. Their father didn’t turn his head at all to look at me – I thought it was very disciplined of him. The angle he had his head turned slightly to the right was a little unusual, though; he wasn’t looking directly ahead of him, which is what would be expected.

When I came to pick the children up, I stood in front of the frosted glass doors and held my head at the exact angle I had seen their father looking, and then it was obvious why he chose that angle. The glass doors provided a perfect mirror and at that angle he could watch me closely, with his sunglasses concealing his eyes so it wouldn’t be obvious if I were to look at him.

How do I feel about this? Well, less bothered than I did the week that his girlfriend waiting in the car videoed me walking with the two kids into the mediation center. Part of me would rather have had some verbal contact acknowledging one another because it’s an awkward and artificial situation. I suppose it was inevitable at some point that he would see us and while I don’t feel endangered, I do feel uncomfortable.

Avivah

Homemade matbucha/tomato sauce

Pesach, recipes

A couple of nights ago I made a sixteen liter pot of matbucha, and it was only the next day that I realized what a perfect idea it was for Pesach!

I decided to make a large batch after seeing that the six kilos of matbucha we made for the first two days of the holiday were completely finished.

This is a wonderfully versatile dish. Having prepared it at night, it was ready first thing the next day when everyone was ready for breakfast, and we were able to quickly prepare shakshuka. (Shakshuka – heat a good amount of matbucha/tomato sauce in a frying pan, and when it’s hot, make several indentations in the sauce, dropping an egg into each indentation. Let them poach just a few minutes until set, and then serve.)

Matbucha can also be used as a dip, or as a sauce for meat, chicken or fish. My oldest son arrived with his family in time to overlap with my two married sons who were here for the first days, so we had a nice crowd for dinner. I served matbucha for a dinner accompaniment. (Dinner was fennel salad, tomato salad, marinated carrots and kohlrabi, matbucha, onion pie, sweet potatoes and potatoes, and meat.)

I don’t have an exact recipe, but I always use the same vegetables. You can adjust for more or less of all of the vegetables and it will come out great!

I started with ten huge onions, and chopped and sauteed them all in oil. Then I minced about fifteen cloves of garlic and added them to the pot. I added eight green peppers, chopped. Once they were all sauteed, I added the chopped tomatoes – I used two cases of tomatoes. (I had a lot and wanted to use them while they were in perfect condition.) That simmered on the stove for a couple of hours before I added some tomato paste to thicken it. Finally, I added salt and pepper, and it was done. (Usually I add more spices but this was excellent as it was.)

Since this is so versatile, I’ll be able to use it during the coming week for various meals. It defrosts well, so I froze several containers of it in addition to what I refrigerated for more immediate use.

Avivah

Pesach kugel recipes

Pesach, recipes

Here are recipes for several of the kugels I made for the first days of Pesach. I didn’t include my potato kugel recipe since I don’t have measurements, but hopefully you’ll enjoy the others.

Onion Kugel

  • 6 onions, sliced
  • 1 c. water
  • 1/2 c. oil
  • 5 eggs
  • 1/2 c. potato starch
  • 1 t. salt
  • 1/2 t. pepper

Mix everything together, bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit/180 Celcius for 1 hour.

***I made this a second time and forgot to add the oil, and discovered that without the oil, this recipe turns into onion pie, with the potato starch and water combining and sinking to the bottom to create a crust. It’s also good!

Butternut Squash Kugel

  • 2 medium butternut squash, baked
  • 3/4 c. potato starch
  • 1/2 c. oil
  • 3 eggs
  • 1/2 t. salt

Blend up or mix thoroughly all of the ingredients, pour into greased pans. Prepare crunch topping.

Crunch Topping:

  • 1/3 c. potato starch
  • 1/2 c. ground nuts (I used walnuts)
  • 1/4 c. oil
  • 1 t. cinnamon
  • 1/4 c. sugar/honey

Mix, bake at 350 Fahrenheit/180 Celcius for 20 minutes. Let cool somewhat, crumble and spread on top of butternut squash mixture in pans. Bake the kugels ag 350 F/180 C until firm (up to an hour if using 9×13 pan).

Vegetable Kugel

  • 2 large onions, diced
  • 4 stalks celery, diced
  • 2 peppers, diced
  • 4 carrots, shredded
  • 8 potatoes, shredded
  • 8 eggs
  • 3 t. salt
  • pepper

Saute all vegetables except for potatoes. After sauteed, add remaining ingredients. Bake at 350 F/180 C for 45 – 60 minutes.

Avivah

Pesach preparations and menu plan

menu plans, Micro Homesteading, Pesach

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law arrived last night from the United States, along with two of my married sons and grandchildren. My mom lives locally and will be coming this afternoon to stay with us for Shabbos and the first day of Pesach – thank G-d, the house is full!

Everyone who has come so far has been very impressed by all of the changes we’ve made to our house. I really love it! The kitchen is a pleasure to work in; even with lots of people around I don’t feel crowded and there’s space for others to work alongside me without anyone getting in anyone else’s space. I’ve been exclaiming a few times a day, “Have I said how much I love this kitchen!?!” – and then I describe another benefit that I’ve noticed.

It’s really wonderful and though I’ve always appreciated the spaciousness of my home and outdoor space, I’ve never especially liked the main area of my home, and now love how it feels.

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Since there’s so much to do and I have four children who need a lot of interaction and supervision during their waking hours, I’ve gotten up around 4:30 am the last three mornings to get things done. I’m taking a quick break now to share my Pesach menu for the first two days of the holiday with you before they wake up. Usually I write down my holiday lists, but then am so busy I don’t have time to post it and then what’s the point of posting after the holiday? So here you go!

Today – Friday – for breakfast- shakshuka; lunch – beef borscht soup, baked potato knishes

It’s really important to keep everyone well fed in the midst of my cooking marathons. When everyone has food, everyone is much calmer and happier.

For the holiday:

Fish – tilapia, salmon

Soup – chicken

Dips – matbucha (6 kg), mock liver (2 kg), homemade mayonnaise

Salads – tomato onion, Israeli, lemony dill carrot, marinated kohlrabi and carrots, fennel and orange

Sides – butternut squash kugel (2 loaf pans), onion kugel (4 loaf pans), vegetable kugel (2 – 9×13), potato kugel (3 – 9×13), potato squash saute, sweet potato carrot bake

Mains – roast meat, baked chicken

Desserts – walnut chocolate chip bars, macaroons

My house is overflowing with fresh produce and it looks excessive to see the cases stacked up, but I know how fast it all goes with so many people eating three meals a day. I used 25 kilos of potatoes the first day and a half, before Pesach even started. My son told me that doesn’t make sense, but that’s actually what we used so far. That includes the baked potato knishes for lunch today, but doesn’t include anything for the holiday yet.

I wasn’t able to find cocoa in the stores, and a staple dessert that I make on Pesach is brownies. I haven’t yet decided what to make as the cake for my nineteen year old’s birthday circle the first day of Pesach; I might use the blondies. The dessert isn’t really the main point, the birthday circle is, and it’s always nice to have more family members to share in the circle.

I’m planning to double the kugels and freeze half for the last part of Pesach, and I’m doing the same with the marinated salads that will stay fresh in the fridge for the week. Cook once, eat twice. 🙂 Edited to add: that was a nice sentiment, but we went through everything listed above in the first two days of Shabbos/Pesach, even what I thought would be put into the freezer for the end of Pesach.

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There’s so much to do and so much of that isn’t seen – the endless loads of laundry this entire week, hanging, folding, putting away. Shopping for clothing for everyone. Buying and putting away all of the food. Cooking all of the food. Cleaning for Pesach. Taking care of the younger kids. Giving them all haircuts. But even if these aren’t consciously noticed, these things all contribute to a nice environment for everyone.

I have a cabinet where I put all of the items needing sewing repairs, and this week I fixed most of those. For today I have a couple of new pairs of suit pants to hem.

This year we had all of the renovations on top of everything else and I made seemingly endless trips to the hardware store. The kitchen backsplash is now tiled, though not yet grouted. The floor in the old kitchen area where the plumbing was has been tiled.

On the mini homestead front, I sold a lot of chicks last week. I give ds17 and ds15 the profits remaining after paying for the chick feed since they do all of the incubating and caring for the new chicks. They thought I should keep part of the money, but I consider the chickens we keep as my payment. We started incubating a new batch of Brahma eggs that will be ready after Pesach. Seeing all of those new chicks caused a number of our hens to go broody (to want to hatch their own eggs); we now have six broody hens sitting together on one batch of eggs; it will be interesting when the chicks hatch to see how they coparent!

I previously held back two roosters when we processed all of our roosters, but it turns out that one chicken that we thought was a hen has revealed himself as a rooster. I decided that one rooster for the main flock is enough, so I sold two roosters earlier this week. It’s not worth it for us to take two chickens for shechita and I didn’t want all of the extra work processing them right now. The people who bought them are very happy and two days later called me wanting more. Now I have a good way to sell all of my roosters in the future that we don’t want, which is very nice.

This week we brought in a male goat for breeding purposes but he wasn’t letting my does eat and the older doe kept looking at me from a distance and bleating at me to help her. The first morning I took the other goats out to graze when he was on the other side of the pen; I didn’t think that would be an issue since they weren’t a bonded group. He charged at the door of the pen and began breaking it open. That was frightening for me since I was on the other side of the door. It was six am but I quickly woke up my husband and son so they could help me since I was in over my head dealing with him.

They put the other goats back in and he calmed down, but that really stressed me. We brought him since we hoped it might marginally be the end of breeding season but obviously nothing was happening on that front; maybe with time that would have changed but at this time I didn’t want to wait a few weeks since it would negatively impact my holiday. Usually the animals are a source of relaxation for me that but with this buck here that wasn’t the case. I want our grandchildren to be able to interact with the goats if they want to, which they can’t do if he’s here, so yesterday we took him back. We’ll try again after Sukkos.

We ordered hay and this year it was clover; last year it was wheat hay and it was a huge issue to deal with for Pesach. We ordered cracked corn for the chickens for Pesach and started fermenting it yesterday to increase the nutritional value for them, so it will be ready for them by Sunday. Meanwhile, they’re eating up all of our chametz!

I wish you all a deeply enjoyable Pesach!

Avivah

Our first visitor after our renovations – the guardian ad litem

Foster Care, Homemaking

Today was my son’s 19th birthday! I started this blog when he was just three and a half months old. Time flies….

I got a call at 8:15 this morning from our social worker, letting me know that the guardian ad litem (GAL) wanted to know if the twins are home today, and if so, she’s coming this morning. Of course the week before Pesach when there’s nothing else to do is a perfect time for a visit with minimal notice!

We had a lot of building materials still around the patio and yard that I wanted to clear away, so I asked that she come at noon.

It was good to get the materials cleaned up early in the day, and afterwards the teens cleaned upstairs for Pesach.

There’s been so much negativity and pressure associated with her visits, and the good thing about that is I’ve kind of run out of emotional energy to care much more about what she may complain about.

What I focused on instead was to presume good intention on her part. The social worker’s supervisor also came, and I noticed that the GAL also spoke with her in a critical way that sounds attacking. That was helpful for me to see, to realize that a lot of what has been said to me isn’t necessarily personal. By not taking taking her comments personally and with my looking for the good, I was able to view her in a more appreciative way than I’ve been able to in the past.

I don’t know what complaints may come out about this visit afterwards, but I felt it was a good visit. It felt fitting that she was the first visitor to see our new space, since it was when she came last time that it was clear to me how much I disliked people entering the house directly into the kitchen, no matter how neat it was. That was the final impetus I needed to make these changes.

I showed you pictures of the new kitchen setup; now here’s a picture of the new living room/dining room. It’s spackled but not yet painted (the hooks with the aprons hanging on it will be moved). I’ve taken pictures from a couple of angles to give you an idea of how the room looks overall.

This is where the main part of the kitchen with the sink was previously, before the wall behind it as well as the wall next to the stairs taken down. (Remember this was when we had started dissembling the kitchen and the overflowing counters weren’t reflective of how the kitchen usually looked.)

After the renovation, before painting. (The hooks and aprons will be taken down.)

Below is a picture taken from the kitchen – I included a corner of the fridge on the right so you can get an idea of the proximity of the two rooms to one another. The walls are somewhat staggered so the floor plan isn’t completely open, but it’s mostly open.

You can also see the area under the stairs has been closed in and has an access door. It needs a little more drywall work before being painted, but it’s very functional. The kids LOVE this little nook with the mini door – they haven’t gotten tired of playing in it yet.

We have exactly the same items in both the old and new kitchen and living room, but even though the floor space and furnishings are the same, both the kitchen and living room feel more spacious.

The below picture shows one benefit from changing things around. We have a large hallway that housed just the bookcases and isn’t a good use of space – too small to make another bedroom, too big for just a bookcase. By moving the living room to where it is now, the hallway is no longer wasted space and has become an extension of the living room.

I’m really, really pleased with the changes we’ve made. It feels like a new house to me! I am so happy with the increased feeling of space. When I was picturing what I wanted, I hoped it was going to be worth all of the effort, but I realized when I described what I wanted to do to the the plumber and electrician, and even my family members, none of them could visualize what we would gain by doing these renovations. I appreciate that my sons trusted my judgment and agreed to make the changes I asked them to make, even without being able to picture the improvement it would make to our home.

I’m sorry I didn’t think of taking a picture of the living room/dining room area before we moved the furniture out of the area and had and table out of that area and put some of the kitchen wall unit pieces there – it would be nice to show the difference.

But the supervisor (who was here for the last home visit less than four weeks ago) and the GAL were both visibly taken aback at how different everything looked from when they were last here. In a good way. 🙂

Avivah