All posts by Avivah

Trying to keep burnout at bay

Foster Care

Sorry I haven’t written for a while – I’ve been swamped. Actually, the thought that usually comes to mind is, “I’m drowning” or “I’m choking”.

I don’t like to drag others down and I don’t want to complain, and I’ve been so busy that staying quiet has been easy. But I am so, so maxxed out by the foster care system, so much that despite being a pretty high capacity person, a few times a week I think to myself, “I can’t do this anymore, it’s too much.”

And every time, I remind myself to stay in the moment. Take the next step today and don’t think about what needs to be done tomorrow. Take a breath.

And I breathe. But it’s hard. It’s hard not to feel resentful and trapped that when I agreed to have the twins join our family, I unknowingly took on a full-time job as an overworked, completely unappreciated employee of social/foster care services. I hate it. I really do.

Not the kids. Taking care of them can be challenging but that’s in my skillset and that’s something that I value.

Taking care of things for people who themselves don’t even care if they’re done, other than to put a check mark next to a list, so it looks like they’ve done their jobs when it comes to the yearly committee…it’s sucking my precious life energy away for nothing.

Before the twins came, I asked detailed questions regarding what would it entail. I take my commitments seriously and I wanted to be sure it was something I could do and maintain the balance in our family life. I verified and reverified what would I need to do.

There’s nothing about what I was told that was accurate – not one thing. Everything has been more and more and more. But you know, that’s how life is – things change and you need to adapt. Obviously everything can’t be predicted. When I told our social worker months ago that the demands have become too much, the response was, you don’t have to keep the kids if you can’t do it. Not, let’s talk about our demands on you and reassess if they’re necessary or realistic. So I don’t talk about it anymore. There doesn’t seem to be any point.

I’m careful about what I put into my schedule because I like to have margin in my life, and we said yes to the twins after my husband and I agreed to clear some really big things from our lives to make room for them. That was good.

But because what I need to do takes so much more time than expected, for months I’ve been removing things that are important to me (nothing unimportant is left) in an attempt to create some breathing room.

Months ago I cancelled horseback riding lessons for all four kids. This was a loss for them all but especially a shame for ds12, who amazed the instructor at how quickly he picked it up.

Then life was still too full so I took out the weekly private speech therapy for ds12 and ds8. I was quite invested in that, but once I had to do weekly visitations and the location was changed to an hour drive away, something had to give and of course it couldn’t be something the foster care system wanted. So speech therapy was cut.

Then I took out the orthodontic appointments for ds12 for palate expansion, despite paying 16,000 shekels and not yet seeing results. I asked for a six month breather, and we’ll see if I can recommit to taking ds12 regularly at that point. I think I’m going to ask for a year long extension.

Ds8 has been asking since last year’s lessons about swimming lessons for this year, but even though it means so much to him and I’d told him I’d try to sign him up, after calling about details he won’t be able to participate – it conflicts with the weekly visitation for the twins with their parents. On one hand it’s good because then I don’t have to take him, but on the other hand it’s very disappointing, because I can’t take him…

Ds8 and ds12 both get home at 2 pm. I’ve always been happy with this since I want them to have time at home to decompress and be together with me and each other. But it’s too much having all four children at home every afternoon; ds12 is at a different stage than the other three kids so it’s boring for him at home and is constantly leaving the house to go other places (usually without my knowledge or agreement). It will be helpful if he can stay at school for the afternoon program and recently he’s even requested it himself (in the past he wouldn’t have been able to deal with the long day at school). It’s not my ideal but I need to do what I can to make life manageable.

Ds7 and dd7 were supposed to be in special ed, which would have meant they came home much later in the day, there would have been an option for an afternoon program, pre-holiday camps, and summer camps. They are in regular schools so none of those are options. I know if you live in a city that it’s hard to imagine, but living where we live, there are no alternate options for them. Nothing.

For those to whom it’s obvious that we need to get some outside help: I know that. I would love help. I’m not a martyr and I recognize when something is stretching me too much.

There are no community resources for assistance. There are no volunteers, there are no chesed organizations. There’s a serious manpower shortage where I live. There aren’t even teens available to come to our home for pay while I’m home, so that the full responsibility isn’t on them. I’m dreaming of finding someone to stay with the four youngest kids since right now if I need to go somewhere when the kids are home, my husband takes off time from work to cover for me.

For the last two years, there has been absolutely no respite, other than my husband. The problem is, he also needs a break. He’s also feeling the strain.

There was a retreat for English speaking mothers of children with special needs that I’ve been looking forward to attending since I attended most of one two years ago. I wasn’t able to fully attend because the twins had just come a short time before. A couple of weeks ago I got a message that the next morning at ten registration was opening. Since I happened to wake up at 3 am and couldn’t back to sleep, I took a nap and went to register as soon as I woke up at 12:30.

When I saw the message on the screen that it was sold out, I burst into tears. It was so painful for me, that no matter how much I need help, I can’t get any relief. Crying about something like this is far from my typical response. I generally have a philosophical attitude of, “If it was meant to be, it would be, and if it’s not, it’s not, so it’s all as it’s meant to be” but this time, I couldn’t even try to reassure myself with that. My response was so unusual that it clearly demonstrated me how little emotional margin I have left.

One of my married children asked me if I’m busier than when I was homeschooling, and was surprised that I said I feel busier now than when I had nine kids homeschooling at once. Though it was a very busy stage of life and sometimes was hard, I was doing something that I valued and wanted to be doing. I had agency, I was the one who made my schedule and I could change what I wanted if something wasn’t working. Now it’s exactly the opposite situation, and it feels oppressive.

So I’m in the place that I know I’m doing too much, I don’t want to do it, and I don’t know where I can cut back anymore.

If it was a job, I’d have quit a long time ago. But it’s not a job, and there are two children who trust and love me whose lives are involved. I can’t just cut them loose.

I had a meeting this week with the foster care advocate in preparation for the upcoming committee meeting, and at the end some of my feelings about this came up. She will be attending the meeting and wants to bring up how much is being asked of me without consideration of the price it’s demanding. I’ll be meeting with her again next week to discuss it further. I’m reluctant to have any hope in help from that quarter, because I’ve been repeatedly disappointed and frustrated. But who knows, maybe something helpful will come from it.

Practically speaking, I’ve called someone about helping with housework a couple of hours a day – I think that’s easier to find than someone to help with the kids, and that would also take something off my plate. I’m waiting for her to get back to me to work out specifics of what she has time for. I’ve also called a company that places assistants for kids, and asked them to see if they have anyone in my area that has available hours. They’re checking it out and will get back to me. And tomorrow, I’ll be going to open a file for ds12 so he can stay for the full school day.

In the meantime, I keep seeking small ways to give myself some breathing space. Mostly right now the main thing I can do is choose thoughts that feel positive. It helps me a lot to keep my house in order, but being gone for meetings and appointments so often means that I’m just not home enough to do more than bare maintenance. Today was the only day this week that I didn’t have to drive anywhere, and it was such a relief to be able to stay home. I love being home!

I did some baking for Shavuos – I made chocolate chip cheesecake bars and lots of cheese babkas. It’s a mental relief to have them ready in the freezer, along with meat and chicken that I’ve also prepared for Shabbos and Shavuos. It’s also nice to have something concrete to show for the time I’ve invested.

Sometimes I think of the story of the man who was in Siberia and tasked every day with turning a large handle that was attached to a brick wall. For years, he wondered what his work was accomplishing – maybe he was grinding wheat?

When he was finally freed, he asked to see the other side of the wall to see what he had been working all for all those years. When he glimpsed the other side of the wall, there was nothing there – he was heartbroken to learn that all of his efforts had been turning a handle for no purpose at all.

That’s kind of how I feel about all that I’m busy with – so much effort with so little to show for it. So when I preserve something or bake something for the freezer, it’s a positive action that I can feel good about.

**Edited to add – I wrote this last night and my husband and I had an early morning appointment with dd7’s therapist. I talked about some of the things I’ve written here, and she asked permission to share them with our social worker. She said that we are the model foster parents with incredible abilities, and it’s deeply disturbing for her to see how worn down I am – the contrast is very obvious to her. She said that we shouldn’t have all of the things on us, that I’m dealing with an impossible load. It was validating to hear from her that it’s objectively impossible to do all that I’m doing, and it was also really nice to be able to be heard. So I’m feeling optimistic that perhaps some of the expectations that have been put on me will be shifted and there might be some help offered to offset. Even if they don’t offer help, I’m looking for avenues of help for myself and I’m sure someone or something is going to work out.**

Avivah

Worst cookware in your kitchen and what to use instead

Healthy Living

A couple of years ago I began using disposable dishes during the holidays when I’m hosting large numbers of people. This past Pesach, one daughter commented on how convenient it must be for me, and asked me if I would like to use them all year round to lighten my work load.

No, not at all.

Why not? Because I don’t want to ingest toxins that I can easily avoid just by eating on regular dishes. Not to mention the ecological impact.

I thought I was doing pretty well on avoiding toxins in my food, by staying away from disposables and processed foods, and instead making homemade foods from whole ingredients.

Then I learned about microplastics. When I began to understand how ubiquitous they are, as well as how deeply contaminated our environment is by them, I was initially discouraged. It’s everywhere: in our water, air, soil, foods – what change could I make that would make a difference?

Microplastics contain chemicals known as PFAS, called the forever chemicals because they hardly degrade in the environment or body. Teflon is one type of chemical in this group; though it’s been phased out due to the known health concerns, other chemicals with similar concerns have replaced them.

PFAS have been used in products for eighty years, and seventy years ago the first reports appeared in the scientific literature of their negative effects. Unfortunately, it’s taken until very recent years that they are becoming more widely recognized as the danger they are. As with tobacco and DDT, the dangers were known to those profiting from their sales, but they continued to be sold for many years before consumers were warned to take steps to protect themselves.

So if you’re reassuring yourself that all of these plastics must be fine because everyone is using them, and they wouldn’t be on our shelves if there was any risk, think again.

Chemicals are not required to be fully tested for safety before being released on the market. The chemical bonds of PFAS are extremely resistant to degradation, even with high temperatures, and are resistant to oil and water. This is why they are widely used in food packaging like microwave popcorn bags, pizza boxes, and fast food containers. (PFAS are also in anything that has a stain repellent, like for carpets and upholstery, cleaning products, personal care products, and clothing – but let’s just stick to food sources right now.)

The worst offenders are anything with a nonstick coating. That includes: pots, pans, rice cookers, air fryers (and air fryer liners), and even parchment paper. That last one really disturbed me, since I thought I was doing a healthy thing by lining my pans with parchment paper before covering them with aluminum foil.

Much of the health effects are still unknown, but what we know they are linked to is damning: infertility, developmental delays in children, accelerated puberty, behavioral changes, increased risk of some cancers (prostate, kidney, testicular), interference with the immune systems ability to fight infection, disruption of the endocrine system, and intestinal inflammation. Remember, this is only what we are so far being told.

The problem with PFAS in cookware are they are fat soluble compounds and the leaching of chemicals into your food increases with heat, oil, contact time, salt and acidic compounds (like tomato sauce).

One scratch on a nonstick pan can release 9100 plastic particles into your food. A cracked coating releases 2.3 million microplastic and nano plastics (ie particles of pfas) into your food. These are tiny, microscopic pieces of plastic that are very toxic and bio-accumulative.

I’m going to share different things that I’m doing to minimize our use of plastics and PFAS in upcoming posts. The first and most important step is to get rid of non-stick cookware.

These mostly haven’t had a presence in my home for many years, but I bought a nonstick skillet a year or two ago to replace a stainless steel one that was treifed up (made nonkosher). I knew it wasn’t Teflon so I hoped that the upgraded coating would be a healthier option. When the coating got scratched, I threw it away and bought another one. Then that got scratched so I threw it away. I thought I was being appropriately careful.

After that I committed to not buying anything else until I could find a stainless steel skillet. It was only because I couldn’t find one in the stores I was shopping in that I bought the non-stick skillet to begin with.

After several months, I ordered one online. But while I was waiting for my skillet to arrive, I found one in a Soltam branch in Tiberias . The price is much more than a nonstick skillet but it’s a good quality pan, it’s a one time expense, and for me it’s worth the added expense to have non-toxic cookware.

Here’s a suggestion to prevent food from sticking to the bottom.

The key is to heat the pan before adding oil or food. You can check if it’s hot enough by dropping a tiny bit of water into the pan. When the pan is ready, the droplets will bounce. If you then add whatever you want to cook, it won’t stick. The prep takes a little longer but since the food doesn’t stick to the pan, it saves the time afterward on soaking and scrubbing whatever got stuck to the pan.

Another option to stainless steel is cast iron or pure ceramic cookware- not ceramic coated. I don’t recall ever seen either of these options locally, but they are both good healthwise.

I’d love to hear if you have any tips to share! What cookware do you use? Have you found ways to keep your food from sticking?

Avivah

Hosting tips to minimize stress and resentment

Uncategorized

There were so many wonderful suggestions about how to get help when hosting that I’m putting them all in one post so that all of us can benefit! You can come back to it when the next holiday or hosting opportunity comes around – for me that will be my son’s bar mitzva in two months. I need to take some deep breaths around that…and use some strategies below!

>> Pesach is a huge undertaking!!I tell my husband not to buy me anything for Yom Tov, just pay for extra kitchen help over Yom Tov! Some alternatives: 1. Hiring help, for the times when you want help and they’re not available. 2. Turning over early and freezing food ahead of time (soup, kugels, meats, chicken, baked goods, etc. )3. If you turn over early, married kids can come help cook one day and the boys can help watch their kids. 4. Take them up on their offer to bring/buy food. It may not taste as good as your food, or be as healthy, but it’s worth it! If they don’t want to shlep it by bus they can figure out something else. Overall, I try to keep it simple and stick to favorites. <<

>> Personally, the biggest problem I have with either helping or getting help is knowing what needs to be done. Is there a way to make a list /chart of tasks that others can do (set the table, cut salads, do dishes). Post it, and then when people come in ask them to pick something. Maybe not everyone every meal but the expectation is that each family helps out some meal. Just a thought. When I am very clear on what I need I do get help. managing people all the time is hard so a list would let them self manage. <<

>>I have no idea if this would work for your or your marrieds, but I wonder if it would be helpful if instead of a whole family coming for a meal, one of the parents (perhaps with older children who are more independent/can help or a baby who can’t be left alone) comes earlier – even the night before – to help, and then the rest of the family comes for the meal. That way you get more help and get to spend more time with children/grandchildren, the parent who comes gets a break from their own house and kids, and the grandchildren get a fun experience. I know that a lot of the kids are traveling long distances by bus, and obviously whether this idea is at all viable depends a lot on the family dynamics/needs of all involved.
Also, I vote that if marrieds offer to bring food, take them up on it – even if they are shlepping by busses. Worst case scenario, if they see it’s too difficult, they won’t do it again. <<

>> if you cook and freeze much in advance, a lot of resentment will dissipate. no one can cook for all that just a few days in advance without overworking themselves. many women i know start cooking and freezing weeks in advance to pace themselves. a lot of the food we serve is freezable (soups, meats, cakes, even a huge batch of fried onions can be frozen, to be more easily used in other dishes – i read it somewhere and tried it this year and it was helpful!). Maybe an extra freezer. Lots of ideas out there of how to make a quasi-pesach kitchen for early cooking, even with just a covered foldable table and a crockpot (there is a cookbook out there written by a woman who does this, sounds great!). <<

>> One suggestion that helps me…
I try to make sure that I have at least 1 day of every chol hamoed where I have no plans and no obligations to anyone. No hosting, no visits, no trips.
For that day’s seuda eat, I put together to the leftovers of the last 3-4 seudas. There is easily enough to make a meal and this can make for a fun spread.
If I have visitors staying with me for the entire chag, I let them know in advance that this is a great day for them to go off on a day trip. Usually they have places they want to go and people they want to visit by themselves anyhow.
If it appeals to you, you can even send off your at-home family on a trip for the afternoon, so that you can really just chill that day.
I find that one day to let myself rest, read, mooch around with the at-home family, and even be a little bored opens up more joy and energy for all the cooking, hosting and socializing associated with a week-long chag. <<

>> your married children are taking care of their children, but at home they do that plus take care of their houses. they can still pitch in by you and it will come out to less work. you need to decide what you’re comfortable delegating- could be kitchen tasks where they can sit and chat and sous-chef for you at the same time- this doesn’t remove so much mental load for you, but still multiplies what you can do with the time. could be adding your children onto theirs for outings and giving you some time alone to get a handle on the situation. it could be taking over your jobs with the animals (whichever ones still get done on chol hamoed, and to your specifications!). it will still be a vacation for them. but it’s okay for them to contribute. cutting down work and serving less also comes to mind. you posted lots of salads and kugels. those are complicated compared to one-pan protein, starch, veg dish that you season and cook hands-off in the oven (without defrosting first!). or even not one-pan, just cooked in the oven. i have only my own small kids and i take all these shortcuts. <<

>>My family is not as large as yours and we had 1 couple first day (which was 2 with Shabbat) and the last YT we had our second couple. I bought from a caterer 3 very large potato kugel, and 2 small apple kugel, and 2 lg. pans brownies. this helped so much and I know I was able to sit more with my kids and Grands. I also prepared b4 3 lg. salads for the first days. I really simplified the food, yet it takes time. If they had cars I would say bring the linen for sure. By bus its not so easy. If they had cars they could also bring Kugels, and cake but by bus no way. Maybe next year be’z either your boys can help with cooking, (I know they do so much besides this) or one of your daughters can come a few days b4 YT to help with cooking. There really isn’t an easy answer. I know you love cooking but maybe you need to buy a few sides like kugel to help in the food area.<<

>> I have younger children but for me the best minimizing stress tip is to make as many things as possible in the oven in disposable pans (lined with baking paper). Many things even get mixed in the pan and that way no mixing bowls are needed. The less pots & mixing bowls to wash, the easier clean up will be.
I’ve learned to make a full shabbos/yt in the oven – fish, kugels, chicken, roasted potatoes/vegetables, chicken stirfry, shnitzel, meatballs, rice, cake, even hard boiled eggs – can all be made in the oven using disposable pans. Still haven’t figured out a superb oven brisket recipe… in the meantime that’s the only thing I must make in a pot.
There are kugels that do not required any peeling/grating – such as broccoli/cauliflower/mushroom kugels. Also regarding onion kugel, if you’re frying a large amount of onions & then freezing those fried onions, it takes 2 minutes to mix and pop in the oven. <<

Thank you so much to all of you who shared your suggestions!

A couple of weeks ago I sat down to take notes on this Pesach to put aside for next year. That included lists of what I bought along with quantities of each item (I never remember from year to year without this). I also copied over all of my menus with the page numbers listed for each recipe if it was in a cookbook.

I looked up when Pesach will beginning next year, and it will be a Wednesday night. I’ve told my husband and teens that next year we’re going to turn over a week in advance. That’s what I did when I had a lot of younger children at home, but as my family got older I started turning over a shorter time before Pesach since I had enough help so there was no stress in that. As so many kids have married and moved out, and more younger children have joined the family, I didn’t reassess my turnover timeline. Thinking about my experience this past Pesach made it clear that I had too much too do, too close to the holiday.

I do have a freezer, and will enjoy being able to make many foods in advance. Spreading my cooking out will eliminate the need to work for so many hours in the kitchen close to the holiday.

I spoke with all of our married children to get their feedback on how we could make this work better for all of us in the future. I’m going to be specific about what help I’d like, taking into account the kind of help different people are comfortable with, and letting everyone know in advance what assistance I’d appreciate and when. It’s hard to help in a home that isn’t yours, and it’s impossible to help if you don’t know what’s going on, so this will make it easier for people to lend a hand.

I hope these suggestions have gotten you thinking about your own situation and how you can enjoy hosting with less stress and resentment!

Avivah


Separating genuine news from manipulation

Self-Growth

I like to listen to podcasts while I go about my day and I’ve almost never stopped to take notes on any of them because I have things I need to do. However, when I was halfway through a talk by Chase Hughes, a trainer for the US Army Psychological Operations Operators, I pulled out my pen to take notes.

The talk was called, “How to Spot a Psy-op: Separating Manipulation from Genuine News.” I found so much value in it that a few days later I wanted to relisten to take notes on the entire talk – but it was gone.

It was far from an obscure talk – it had two million views when I listened to it on Youtube – and because I had taken notes, I was able to search for the exact title. The only thing I found was someone else who had clipped part of the talk and reposted it on his small channel – now that is also gone.

I have no idea why this was removed – maybe the speaker decided to take it down – but the information was very valuable. It benefits each of us to be a critical analyst of news, rather than a passive consumer of whatever is presented to us, so I’m sharing my notes with you. This isn’t specific to this moment in time; I listened to it several months ago and only now am getting around to sharing the information with you, but it’s relevant to any time.

I regret that when I listened the first time I didn’t make a note of the historical examples he listed with each point he made; that was the main thing I wanted to listen for the second time. Some of the examples were well-known to me, but others I hadn’t heard of and would have liked to look into more.

This talk was given by someone whose expertise was to train military professionals who create psychological operations for the general public in whatever country they operate in. Psyops are a reality, not a conspiracy theory. Understanding that psyops are periodically taking up space in the news, how can you spot them and filter out truth from propaganda?

Below I’m sharing my notes with you – I haven’t added any comments of my own.

—————————

Analyze the source: – is the source credible? If you see sensationalized headlines, leave it. Psyops thrive on sensation and hype. Ask yourself – who owns the media company? Are there connections with pharma, political entities, defense contractors?

Question the timing: does the story I’m looking at right now appear during a major crisis or scandal or upcoming election? Psyops will distract you from bigger issues. This is a huge red flag.

Follow the narrative: are multiple outlets parroting the same language? Psyops use coordinated messaging to reinforce their narrative. Copy/paste phrases – “unprecedented threat”, “undeniable evidence” – if you hear this, be afraid. Something is going in your brain that doesn’t belong there.

Look for emotional triggers: Psyops thrive on pushing your buttons – fear, anger, amazement – if a story feels designed to make you react emotionally, avoid. Don’t finish reading. (FATE model – focus, authority, tribe, emotion)

Check the evidence: are they providing evidence of what is being promoted? Relying on vague claims or anonymous sources?

Ask yourself: with all that is going on, is this going to expand government control or justify new laws?

Analyze coverage patterns – psyops dominate news and drown out other stories. Real news coexists with other reports. If one topic is everywhere while major global events get ignored, you’re in a psyop.

Look for follow ups: real news evolves with more updates. Psyops fade once they serve their purpose. When inflated and sensationalized stories vanish without a follow-up, that is called a distraction.

Look for patterns in how media and government communicate about things. Do they focus on fear, or do they offer solutions that entail giving up freedom or increasing government power? Try to diversify where you get news from.

Ask yourself: 1) who benefits from this narrative? 2) What evidence is being shown and is it verifiable? 3) Why now?

Trust your gut. Does it feel scripted? Does something feel off? Trust your instincts, and follow them up with research.

If you do all of these at once, you will never be manipulated.

The most important thing is to cultivate critical thinking skills. Learn to spot propaganda.

—————————————

This was a fascinating talk for me and it helped me understand myself better.

I never had heard of psyops until a few years ago, when someone used the term and I didn’t know what it meant. At times I’ve been very uncomfortable when questioning news that seems off to me while seemingly everyone else was going along with the official version of events.

I didn’t know why I sometimes came to conflicting conclusions about different news events I heard about. I knew I wasn’t a negative or suspicious or paranoid person – sometimes I wonder if I’m too optimistic about human nature – but sometimes I felt like I must be inherently a cynical person to see things as I did.

After hearing this talk, I realized that without having ever heard of psyops or hearing tips like these, over time I’ve employed most of these strategies when listening to or reading news. It’s really just a list of how to be a critical thinker. Do you use any of these tips to analyze the news you see?

Try using these tips as you listen to news, and you’ll empower yourself by developing better critical thinking skills, while increasing your confidence in your own inner voice.

Avivah

Just a regular morning..staying calm amidst it all

Parenting

I heard the chickens making lots of noise early this morning and ran out with a broomstick in hand in case there was a predator. Nothing was wrong, thankfully, and I let them out to free range in the yard.

It was almost six o’clock so I went in the house and washed off the chicken I defrosted the night before, and put it on the grill to send to school with ds12. This is the first thing I do every morning. I prepare enough that the children who are ready in time can sit down to eat freshly grilled chicken before they go to school.

Once the chicken was on the grill, it was time to wake up the kids. Dd7 was already up and complaining she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go to school. (This is a common theme – she usually says different parts of her body hurt her when it’s time to go to school and time for bed). I gave her some hugs and sympathy, then went to the boys. I like to give them plenty of time to slowly wake up before needing to get out of bed, so I sing a ‘good morning to everyone’ song while opening the blinds to let the sunlight in and patting their heads.

While they gradually wake up, I prepare their lunches.

Ds12 complained that his body was sore so I rubbed an essential oil blend on him, and gave him the roller to apply more himself if he wanted to. He finished with that and got dressed.

After finishing the lunches, I turned on cheerful accapella songs; the younger boys got out of bed and I helped them choose their clothes. I sent ds7 to the boys room and ds8 to my room to get dressed since when they’re together neither of them get dressed.

I sat with dd7 in her room while she continued insisting she wouldn’t go to school. After undressing and dressing her from head to toe with no cooperation on her part, I put her on my lap, hugging and rocking her for about five minutes. I got up to help the boys, and she followed me, holding on to my clothing.

All three boys were in my room, and neither of the younger ones had made any progress getting dressed. Earlier in the year it got frustrating when they weren’t dressed after repeated reminders and plenty of time, so I mentally established a time limit by when I’ll start helping them get undressed and dressed if they aren’t ready and we were at that time. Setting this mental boundary was very helpful for me in taking away any frustration about how long it takes them to get ready. (Ds8 used to get ready quickly and easily on his own but once the twins arrived that changed.)

I convinced ds12 to leave my room – it usually takes some negotiation to transition him from one activity to another and it’s important but not easy to keep things upbeat and light even when he refuses to move – and went into the kitchen to give him a plate of food for breakfast. Then I took ds7 to his room to help him get ready.

I calmly told ds7 that I’m going to help him, and asked him to raise his arms to take off his pajama shirt. While I helped him get undressed, he got angry and insisted he would get dressed himself and doesn’t want help. (It’s been forty minutes since he woke up by this point.) I tell him ‘that’s fine, of course you can’.

Knowing this won’t happen without some input from me, I stayed close by. He put his pants on backwards without putting on underwear. I reminded him he needs to put on underwear first and turn the pants around before putting them on. He insists he’s going to get dressed himself. “Of course you can, go ahead,” I tell him.

Leaving him to put clothes on, I brush dd7’s hair, which usually entails a great deal of screeching (from her, not me). Knowing how very emotionally dysregulated she is feeling, I remind myself to be extra patient and kind despite her flashing angry eyes and repeated declarations that she’s not going to school.

Ds8 comes out of my room, dressed. Ds7 comes out of his room with his shirt on, but the shirt is inside out and the tzitzis underneath are backwards. I help him take off the shirt, turn the tzitzis around, turn the shirt right side out and he tells me he’s going to get dressed himself. Of course you are, here’s your shirt.

With all three younger children finally dressed, I give them something to eat they can hold in their hands because it’s close to the time we need to go out to wait for the school bus. Ds7 insists he wants grilled chicken, and I remind him I can only give that to them when they are ready earlier in the morning.

“We’re going to go out in three minutes. Does anyone need the bathroom? Would anyone like a drink of water?”

After doling out drinks, out we go to wait for the school van, cheerful music still playing. The boys walk out ahead of me, with dd7 clinging to my hand. One of the boys tells me ds12 did something to annoy the younger two boys, so I do some peacemaking with them all, with dd7 still holding on to me.

With all of them friends again, I picked up dd and held her for a few minutes, before putting her down because she got heavy and rocking back and forth in a standing position and hugging her against me. The first school van arrived and ds12 and ds8 went in without any drama.

While we continued waiting, I held dd7 again, while ds7 found pieces of wood to play with. Their van pulled into our street, and surprisingly, ds7 ran to it willingly while I followed with dd. As I put dd on the van, I saw a flash of something in ds’s hand and asked him to show me what he had. He had picked up a piece of a metal broomstick and it was then obvious that he had been trying to smuggle it onto the van before I would see what he had. He isn’t allowed to have anything on the van since he’s used every possible item to bang on windows, make noise and bother everyone. (A number of times I’ve had to keep him home from school since he wasn’t allowed on the bus due to behavior.) I took the broken metal stick with me and waved goodbye to them.

Today was a typical morning. There are mornings that are much harder for me to stay calm. But however the morning goes, every single day I feel accomplished to have everyone dressed, fed, in a good mood, and ready for the bus at 7 am. I know if someone were to see all of them standing outside with me, calm and interacting pleasantly, clean and nicely dressed, he would assume it must be easy for me.

The truth is that it takes effort on my part every single day not to get sucked in to all of the emotions and delays in getting ready. Sometimes it’s easier for me to make that effort and sometimes it’s much harder to stay centered, but usually I’m able to stay calm. It’s worth the effort, since when I’m calm I can be kind, and when I’m kind, the morning goes more smoothly than it would otherwise.

Avivah

I had a meeting with the therapist and it didn’t go how I expected

Foster Care

I had a meeting with the therapist who until now I’ve used as a resource person to navigate the logistics of the foster care system. She’s very experienced and knowledgeable, and I respect her professionalism and compassionate understanding of children. Although she works independently, my visits to her are dictated by social services and paid for by the foster care agency, so I’ve never felt safe to share anything too personal, though it would be a relief to speak to someone who understands foster parenting. Foster parenting has similarities to regular parenting but is on a different scale of challenge as there is deep trauma and loss that manifest in various issues.

I reached out to her because I decided it’s time to ask for help with more than logistics.

I wanted to talk with her about the anger I feel sometimes towards ds7 and some of his behaviors, and get suggestions on how to move beyond that.

I told her about what we experience with ds7 and concluded by suggesting that it seems I need to do some deeper inner work to effectively parent him so that I’m not triggered by some of his behaviors.

I didn’t anticipate at all what direction she would go in.

She told me that if she was asked to recommend a foster family, she would wholeheartedly recommend us without reservation. She stated that we have an unusual capacity that few people have to deal with trauma behaviors (I have less confidence in my capacity than she does), but at the same time, it’s important for me to recognize that I have limits, limits that are reasonable and to acknowledge that I have a red line.

I appreciated that. As much as I want to be endlessly understanding and compassionate, I’m not and I can’t be, and it’s not even a realistic expectation even though I want to be like that.

Then she asked for more details of the behaviors.

After hearing the specifics, she said that the intensity of what he does leads her to consider that his needs might not be able to met in any home environment. She said the anger I sometimes feel is very understandable, that anyone would be upset at the things I described. She suggested we began to consider a different kind of placement for ds, because with such challenging behaviors, a staff has advantages over one set of parents; they have a shift and know they only have to tolerate what he does until the end of their shift and they go home for a break. When you live with it, you never get a break and it is exhausting.

She stressed that if he’s going to go into this kind of framework, the sooner the better because the more used to a loving home he is, the harder the transition will be to dormitory living.

I don’t see what the benefits to him would be of being in a dorm, other than having more staff to supervise him. He wouldn’t be loved and cared about the way he is here, it’s unlikely he would experience any emotional healing or advance academically, and his future would be very limited.

I told her if I felt we really couldn’t help him and I really couldn’t deal with his behaviors, I would consider that but at the very least he deserves a year of getting the necessary support in school to be successful before concluding that he’s too much for a family to handle. Even with his regression and other challenging behaviors, he’s made huge gains; he’s much happier and calmer, better able to focus, process information and think.

I pointed out it would be very hard for all of us, particularly the younger children in our family if he were to leave, and she conceded that was true. She added, however, that him not being there might also be a relief for everyone, especially the younger children.

I shared my concern that he would be at high risk for abuse in a framework like that, and she agreed, but added that being who he is, he’ll be at high risk wherever he is and it’s not something I can protect him from.

I really respect this person so much, but this isn’t the direction I thought the conversation would go. I thought she would suggest perspectives on his actions or guidance on how to handle his outbursts. I never expected her to say that my anger was well justified and his behaviors point to him not being able to stay in a home environment.

I went home and shared all of this with my husband and we had the same response – we don’t agree with this direction at this time. It helped us both recommit to find a way to keep him with us as long as we can.

The question remains: how to find the compassion and energy to be patient and kind when I feel maxxed out? This is the question I wanted support with.

So far what is helping me the most is to tell myself that he’s a four year old. Technically he’s a few months from his eighth birthday, but part of what leads to frustration is expectation. He is very much like a four year old in every way except his birthdate, and by thinking of him in a way that is accurate for the stage he’s at, it helps reduce my expectations. It’s easier for me to feel compassion or patience rather than frustration when he does things that I think he shouldn’t be doing.

By the way, my meeting with the therapist took place before the meeting at the school last week. After the school meeting, she saw ds7 for the first time since her visit to our home when he first arrived. She looked at me in astonishment and looking emotional, asked, “What in the world is this?!”He’s really sweet!” She continued, “It doesn’t sound nice to say I’m surprised, but I am – based on his background and how he was when he came to you, and all the behaviors he has – I didn’t expect to see this.” I was glad she got to see a glimpse of his real self, so she has a more balanced picture of the child he is. When we discuss him in the future, I think it will be a different discussion.

Avivah

Vacation is over and the teens are back to yeshiva

Parenting

My house is settling back to normal as the teens are back to yeshiva. It’s always a little poignant for me when the teens are back to their usual schedule. I really enjoy having them around.

Before vacation ended they finished tiling and grouting the kitchen backsplash. It turned out beautifully.

They also did a garden project that wasn’t initially on the list of projects for this vacation. We had wooden stairs that lead to the chickens and goats, and I have a vague sense of apprehension going up with my hands full about the possibility of a step suddenly giving way. The wooden steps were fine for short term but I wanted to replace them with something more sturdy.


I researched how to build concrete stairs, and asked ds19 to build the wooden form for the stairs and I would do the rest. He did. The next step was to fill the area inside the stair form with rocks and building rubble to minimize the amount of concrete we would need. (Above you can see some of the rubble we used from the remains of the old kitchen backsplash).

Filling the stair form was quite a job. Before we moved in, the area where our animals now are was used as a dumping ground for trash, broken appliances and furniture for people who seemingly found it more convenient than walking a little further to throw it in the garbage dumpsters. We’ve cleared away a lot of garbage since we’ve been here, and now we cleared away all of the broken concrete pieces that remained to use as filler. I gathered a large percentage of the filler material together with the youngest three kids, with ds19 joining in and then completing the entire project with ds17.

We still needed forty 25 kg bags of concrete to fill in the space remaining – we bought just six bags to start, not knowing how much we would need. We went back four or five times, each time buying more bags of concrete, and after our last trip, ds17 told me that it would have to be enough because we finished the last of the hardware store’s supply!

I was planning to do what’s called a ‘dry pour’ since that’s physically less taxing but my boys wanted to do the traditional wet pour. I warned them that it would be hard physical labor but they insisted it wouldn’t be too hard. I can tell you they slept well both nights after mixing and pouring cement!

The finished stairs; to the side are the boards from the dissembled stair forms. All of the building materials can now be moved away

It wasn’t a small project and working with concrete was new to us, so another new skill learned!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we intended to close in our upstairs porch, but we didn’t do any work on that. That’s because the materials we needed couldn’t be ordered and delivered until after vacation was over. The porch will hopefully be done during summer vacation, unless we can do it in smaller chunks of time before that. There were enough renovations to keep us busy without another big project so none of us minded the delay.

Of course they weren’t working away all the time. At the end of last week they had a bike trip around the Kinneret, and when the pedal of ds15’s bike unexpectedly broke off, I had a chance to rescue him and bring water refills to everyone else. They slept well the night they got home from that trip, too!

There were other trips and activities, but mostly time was spent enjoying family. Everyone agreed it was a great bein hazmanim.

The first of the three teens to leave for yeshiva was my nineteen year old son. He’s starting at a different yeshiva in Jerusalem. His experience at the last yeshiva helped him clarify what is most important to him and why, and he looked for something else with these points in mind.

My seventeen year old and I took him to the bus; me as the driver and ds17 as the muscle to help him load all of his luggage into the storage compartment under the bus. After they said goodbye and ds17 got back in the car, he told me what a nice person his brother is. I told him it’s not something to take for granted that they feel that way about each other.

A few hours later ds15 got home from four days away. He went to Ramat Beit Shemesh, where he spent a night at a friend’s house, then spent Shabbos with my oldest daughter, then had Shabbos lunch with my oldest son. On Sunday his oldest four siblings got together at a park so he was able to join them there. From there he went back to Jerusalem with my second daughter and spent the night and part of the next day at her home. He really enjoys and appreciates his older siblings and his very cute nieces and nephews, and had a great trip.

My seventeen and fifteen year olds attend the same yeshiva ketana here in Yavneel. They always start back from vacation a day or two after all of the other yeshivas, so they went back today. I continually marvel at how incredibly blessed we were that this yeshiva opened right when we wanted to send ds17 away to yeshiva two years ago. Actually, I didn’t know they had opened and I did send him to a Beit Shemesh yeshiva for six weeks, before I found out about the local option and brought him back here. It’s been so perfect for our family.

The likelihood of any yeshiva in the country being very compatible with our approach to education is low, but a highly compatible yeshiva opening a short walk from our home is odds defying.

When we first met with the principal to learn about their approach, he spoke for about a half hour before he excused himself to take a call in the middle of our conversation. When he went out, I turned to my husband and exclaimed, “He has no idea who we are and what our approach is to education, and he’s talking just like us!”

It’s a mainstream charedi yeshiva under the auspices of a well-known and respected rosh yeshiva who has already opened two large yeshivas. It’s very nice that there is this compatibility, because their messages to the boys have reinforced our messages to our boys, rather than contradicting one another. We and the staff have a mutual regard and appreciation for one another, which is also very nice.

Ds17 started learning there two and a half years ago, and ds15 began there a year and a half ago. Next year ds17 will be going to yeshiva gedola. His rebbeim spent a lot of time speaking to him about different options and going over the advantages and disadvantages of each. It’s an important decision and I appreciated their concern and input.

He had the best yeshivas in Jerusalem (Bnei Brak isn’t our style) recommended for him as a good fit and around Chanuka went to visit a number of them. I’ve gained perspective with my last four boys going to yeshiva gedola. Even though as a parent there’s the ego (or more nicely put, pride) aspect of having a son in one of the ‘top’ yeshivas, I have my reservations. My hesitations aren’t about if he can be successful there, because I’m confident he can hold his own anywhere.

The question that he and I both had was where he can grow the most as a person and in his learning. We had a number of discussions about what the gains could be for him at each yeshiva.

When his yeshiva made the decision to open a first year yeshiva gedola class next year, that became a serious option for him. He has excellent rebbeim, he’s grown tremendously during his time there, and he has a great chavrusa who was also considering joining the new group forming at this yeshiva. (They already have a yeshiva gedola/kibbutz for students that have already completed a couple of years of yeshiva gedola, so this isn’t starting a completely new yeshiva but extending what already exists.)

He will be going to the local yeshiva gedola in the fall and living in the dorm there; he’ll come home once a month for Shabbos just like every other student. So I’m appreciating my last months with him living at home. Sigh. So much work goes into raising children, and they become mature and helpful and a pleasure to spend time with – and then they leave.

As I’ve said, time goes by quickly and I try to enjoy each stage that we’re at.

Avivah

Recovering from Pesach and recognizing what didn’t work for me

Pesach, Self-Growth

“How was your Pesach?”, I asked a friend a couple of days after the holiday ended, when we bumped into one another out shopping.

With a weary look, she replied, “Chag mitbach.” (The holiday of the kitchen.)

That succinctly sums up my experience. I went through cases of meat, chicken and vegetables, and who got to prepare almost all of it? Me.

Pesach was beautiful. We had two married sons for the first part of the holiday, along with my mother for the first two days, and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for the entire holiday. We made a second seder and second day holiday meals for them on both ends of the holiday.

My oldest son came with his family for part of chol hamoed, and then two married daughters came for the end of the holiday.

It was full, full, full of family and connection. Our newly renovated kitchen and living room very much enhanced the enjoyment of everyone being together, without feeling constricted. It was lovely.

It was also a huge amount of work.

With close to twenty people for every meal for a week and a half (we have a holiday meal each day of chol hamoed), it meant a lot of time spent daily preparing food for everyone while taking care of my children and trying to spend time with my grandchildren.

In order to accomplish what I needed to, I got up between 4 – 4:30 am the three days before Pesach so that I could make headway before the kids were awake. All other days except the first and last day of Pesach, I began at 6, with one late morning beginning at 7 am. I spent the next six to eight hours in the kitchen cooking while taking care of the kids.

Since I began eating carnivore, it’s been over a year since I had any lower back pain, but for several days my back was letting me know I was doing too much.

I enjoy cooking, I’m fast, efficient and organized – but it was a lot. I’m thinking about what I can do differently for the future to be able to spend more time with the people who are here, rather than spending time taking care of their needs. I’ve spoken to a few people who are at or past this stage in life to get suggestions from them. They all told me that it’s an impossible amount of work and I must have help from other people. The question is what to do to get help.

Obviously it’s on me to communicate my needs more effectively and ask for more help. At the same time, I have to accept that even with good communication, the help may fall short of what is needed.

I asked several of our married children for feedback on how we could make this more workable.

One daughter and daughter-in-law suggested asking people to bring their own sheets and to make their own beds. The teens set up all the guest rooms so having each couple keep a set of sheets for their use here will significantly cut down on the work the boys do to get ready. I had close to twenty sets of linen to wash after the holiday just from guests (not including our immediate nine family members), and I’m still working through that laundry!

Another daughter said it’s easier for people to work in their own kitchens than help out in someone else’s kitchen, and I could ask them to each bring some prepared food to contribute. I’m a bit reluctant on that front. Most of our married children are coming by bus, and already shlepping a lot of things with them. I don’t want them to have even more things to load them down.

I’ve realized that for me, the work is the secondary issue. When we had guests who were around when I was working, even if they couldn’t actively help out because they were taking care of their children, I didn’t feel any frustration at all. It felt much different than when someone showed up right before the meal. I recognize that I feel unappreciated and taken for granted when people are only around during the meal, and this is the bigger issue for me than the work itself.

My day to day life is so full and with the holiday being non stop work, a week later I still feel depleted. The more a person gives, the more they need to replenish themselves, and I am aware that my self-nurturing input is way out of proportion to my caring for others output. I need to rebalance that, but it takes emotional energy to make the effort to do more self-care. For today, I’m going to get information about local yoga classes and a retreat for mothers in the summer, and take a nap later in the morning.

Avivah

Seeing so much regression for ds, how to help him?

Foster Care

Ds7 is having a hard year, with a school placement where he doesn’t have the support he needs to be successful. I’ve been trying to get the necessary paperwork to apply for a different school for the coming year but I’ve been completely roadblocked by the foster care agency and social services.

In the beginning of November I took the twins for psychological evaluations that included an educational component, but despite being the one to make the appointments, take each of them out of school for the day to go to the appointment, sit with them throughout the entire evaluation, meet with a psychologist for over an hour for each of them, meet with the evaluator with my husband and I, and spend hours answering detailed online questionaires of many (hundreds?) of questions – I wasn’t allowed to see the results because I’m not a professional that needs to see it.

That was insulting and offensive to me. Everyone gets to see the results except the people who raise him?!?

Anyway, back to the technical issue – without having the evaluation, I couldn’t submit an application for a new school.

When the foster care agency finally received the assessment and sent it to ds’s school, the principal told them it doesn’t contain critical information necessary to know what kind of framework will meet his needs. Months of waiting for the results of this evaluation, and it doesn’t even contain the necessary information.

I said I would take him for the necessary evaluation and pay for it myself, but the foster care agency refused to allow me to take him, claiming it would be too hard on him to have to do another evaluation. (I told the social worker that the evaluation isn’t any more demanding than a regular school day for him.)

He’s having a hard time at school since he really needs one on one support in order to learn and appropriately socialize, and his frustration comes out when he gets home.

He’s been experiencing emotional regression since the beginning of the year, which I’ve expressed concern about to our social worker repeatedly. The positive changes when he left challenging behaviors behind in the first year with us were very encouraging, but it’s been sad and alarming to see it go in the opposite direction.

When he came, he acted like a very young toddler. He spoke in a babyish way, pointed at things instead of talking, and moved in an affected and unnatural way with mincing steps and small movements. My interpretation of these behaviors is that he associates being loved with being a baby, it’s become his position of emotional safety, so this is his emotional armor.

We did so, so much work to move him beyond this, for him to deeply internalize the feeling that he’s safe to be big in our home. He stopped doing all of these things – we hadn’t seen any of these behaviors for eighteen months.

Two months ago on Shabbos afternoon he hit the lowest point we’ve seen so far. One of our teens said something to him after ds7 hit ds8, and ds7 became very verbally aggressive and offensive towards that teen. My son brought him to me to help him get regulated, but nothing I did helped him. He became an infant, repeatedly trying to lay in dd’s wooden doll cradle as he said ‘ga ga’, wadded up fists, and an artificial high voice and tiny body movements. I kept him with me for over an hour, trying to help him relax and feel safe, but for the rest of the afternoon he continued acting like a small infant.

(Two days beforehand, several seventh grade boys in his school bullied him. This was obviously frightening for him, and was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. )

His descent into infantile behavior was deeply concerning for me. It’s upsetting not be able to get help to find him a more suitable school placement for next year, and not to be able to do anything to improve his current school situation. (Overall the school is fine, but his needs are much more intensive than what they are set up to handle.) As long as he remains in this school, all that’s left for me to do is try to manage his behaviors at home, which are challenging.

I initiated an appointment with the foster care therapist/advocate a couple of months ago to see if there was anything we could do about his school situation. She said she would set up a meeting of everyone involved, which finally took place a few days ago – it was his principal, teacher, the therapist, our social worker and me.

I wasn’t expecting much from this meeting, thinking it was ‘too little, too late’ as he needed help from the very beginning and here we are towards the end of the school year. I was pleasantly surprised, however.

The therapist said she had done extensive research into all of the schools all over the north part of Israel and there wasn’t a single option that would meet the needs of ds7. That being the case, she felt that he should stay at his current school so that he has continuity, and get one on one support inside the classroom. I don’t know if that’s possible or what that would look like, but that’s the direction that that will now be explored.

This doesn’t immediately help ds but I do feel there’s some official recognition of the difficult situation ds is in, and there’s now an attempt to get him the support he desperately needs and I appreciate that. I don’t know what will come of it, but knowing he can stay at his current school takes a lot of pressure off of me. I spent six months last year trying to get him a school placement and finally got him this spot where he is now just a month before school began. It was such a relief.

Then the school year began, his behavior quickly deteriorated and the relief was very short-lived. For the last few months I’ve been going through the same school placement issue as last year and it’s been draining and infuriating. I’m constantly feeling like I’m banging my head against a wall with no progress to show for my efforts.

In the last couple of months he’s made some gains from the extreme infantile behavior, but it’s still pronounced. I suppose all of this is teaching me patience – maybe? – because dealing with social services is all about waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to do something to help a child. I find this hard and wonder sometimes if to continue parenting him I have to become jaded and not think about the damage the system that is supposed to be helping does to the child.

There’s the reality of so much bureaucracy surrounding every single decision that needs to be made that everything is painfully slow. I see that those who work in the system have an acceptance of this glacial pace that I don’t have. If I did, it would make it much easier for me emotionally, but I don’t want to become a person who can see a child suffering and then say, ‘oh, well, that’s how it goes; yep, that’s a shame’. I haven’t yet found my balance in trying to help ds7 while accepting the limitations of the system, but I think that understanding how limited the system is and not expecting anything is an important first step.

Avivah

So much for my identity protection – meeting bio dad

Foster Care

With our particular situation as foster parents, our identity is protected from the bio parents for our safety. This is not always the case for foster parents but that’s how it was set up for us. As such, there are procedures in place when I take the kids to the visitation with their parents at the visitation center each week to preserve our anonymity – the parent goes in, then the supervisor calls to tell me the parent is there and that it’s okay for me to bring the kids in. We leave in reverse order, with enough time given for us to leave the parking lot before they tell the parent it’s okay to go out.

This has worked effectively for many months. Six weeks ago we switched to a new mediation center, and the social worker told me they would do something similar. That’s what they said, but that’s not what they’re doing.

The first week she confirmed it was okay to go in, but the second week when I called to confirm it was okay for us to get out of the car – I arrived ten minutes early and it’s hard for the kids to wait inside the car after a drive of almost an hour – the social worker chastised me for calling and told me of course I’m not allowed to come inside during someone else’s turn.

I reminded her that my identity is protected and I didn’t want to start the visit early, I just wanted to be able to get out of the car with the kids.

The next week they switched to a different supervising social worker but didn’t give me his number, so I wasn’t able to call to ascertain the parent was inside and they didn’t remember to give him my number with instructions to call me, so I waited until the last minute I could without being late for visitation. It’s been six weeks now and they haven’t called me except that first week.

At the last visit as I pulled up to the traffic circle next to the mediation center, I saw the twins’ father walking towards the building. I felt uneasy because dd7 was sitting in the front passenger seat and there were no other cars in the area so it would be a reasonable thing for him to look up. If he did, he would immediately know who I was. Fortunately he didn’t look up and the windows were closed so he didn’t hear the children calling his name.

Since I had seen him, I didn’t have to call to ascertain his arrival. The kids were very hyped up because they had seen him and it was hard for them to wait but I waited about eight minutes to be sure he was inside – it takes a maximum of two minutes to go in. There were still a few minutes until our appointment but knowing the coast was clear, I took the kids to wait outside of the building entrance so they could get some of their energy out.

There is a path leading to the building entrance and there are high walls on each side, so you can’t see the entrance unless you are directly opposite it. The parking lots are on the sides of the building so as you approach after getting out of your vehicle, there’s no way to see anyone until you turn into the path.

I was holding dd’s hand and ds ran a little bit ahead of me. As he turned the corner into the path, I heard him exclaim, “Abba!” For some reason, his father had come back outside, which has never happened before.

I thought, “Oh, no, what am I supposed to do now?” I couldn’t stay on the other side of the wall since I couldn’t leave ds7 unattended, but if I turned the corner to get him, his father would see me.

Well, there was no choice but to turn the corner and get ds7. I accepted that this has to happen and there’s no reason for it to be a big deal.

As I turned into the pathway, ds had just asked his father something and his father tensely responded, “I’m not allowed to be here.” He faced the building and kept his back towards me with his gaze averted. I saw the cigarette he had just thrown down and realized he had gone outside to smoke.

Feeling conscious of his proximity just a few feet away, I told dd that we needed to go wait to the side of the building and give her father his turn to go in, and then it would be our turn. Ds7 was confused why we couldn’t wait there and didn’t want to go, so I had to take his hand to lead him away. Their father didn’t turn his head at all to look at me – I thought it was very disciplined of him. The angle he had his head turned slightly to the right was a little unusual, though; he wasn’t looking directly ahead of him, which is what would be expected.

When I came to pick the children up, I stood in front of the frosted glass doors and held my head at the exact angle I had seen their father looking, and then it was obvious why he chose that angle. The glass doors provided a perfect mirror and at that angle he could watch me closely, with his sunglasses concealing his eyes so it wouldn’t be obvious if I were to look at him.

How do I feel about this? Well, less bothered than I did the week that his girlfriend waiting in the car videoed me walking with the two kids into the mediation center. Part of me would rather have had some verbal contact acknowledging one another because it’s an awkward and artificial situation. I suppose it was inevitable at some point that he would see us and while I don’t feel endangered, I do feel uncomfortable.

Avivah