All posts by Avivah

Homemade Cracker Recipe

recipes

This is a generic recipe for crackers. You can use whatever kind of flour or oil you prefer, though what I used is noted below. You can sprinkle the top of the crackers with zaatar or other spices, or mix it into the batter – there’s room for experimentation so try different flavors in different batches.

Homemade Crackers

  • 1.5 c. white spelt flour
  • 2/3 c. water
  • 3 T. coconut oil
  • 1 t. baking powder
  • 1/2 t. salt
  • optional: 1 – 2 t. spices or dried herbs to taste (I added dried parsley)

Mix the dry ingredients together, then add in the water and oil. Mix, then spread thinly on a cookie sheet. (I line mine with parchment paper.)

Bake for ten minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit/180 degrees Celcius. Cut into squares. Return the oven for another 18 – 20 minutes. Let cool and enjoy!

Avivah

School updates and setting goals for the coming year

Self-Growth

The older boys finished off their summer break last week with a trip to Jerusalem for Shabbos to celebrate the bris of our newest grandson, the first grandchild to be named after my father-in-law. My husband and I stayed home for Shabbos with the four younger kids, and together with my oldest daughter and her family who are staying with us for a while after her birth, we celebrated the twins’ sixth birthday. Shabbos was also the twelfth anniversary of our family arriving in Israel. And August is the month I started this blog, so this month marks seventeen years that I’ve been sharing here with you!

Ds15 and ds14 are now both learning full-time in a local yeshiva, which means I still see them but they’re not around much. That also means that after twenty two years, this is officially the first year we’re not homeschooling any children. With the younger kids still home for summer vacation and being so busy, I’m not feeling that yet, but it will hit me at some point.

I finally was able to register dd6 for kindergarten yesterday; it’s a multi-age local kindergarten a ten minute walk from our home. She’ll be starting on September 1, as will ds11 and ds6.5. I’m pleased with the school options for all of them.

As of yesterday, the new kindergarten that ds6 is supposed to attend is not coming together quickly, to say the least. I asked those responsible at the city council to tell me honestly if it’s likely they’ll open on time since to me it doesn’t seem like that will happen, and I’d like to prepare for what I’ll do if the school isn’t ready. They told me they don’t want to think about that possibility and that it has to work out.

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In the midst of all this busyness, I’m trying to take quiet time to assess where I am in my life and what I would like to move towards in the year to come. I’m using a format that I used in 2019, and when I looked back at that journal of my goals for the upcoming 3 -5 years, it’s amazing to see that I reached almost every single one.

As has been said, we overestimate what we can accomplish in one year, and underestimate what we can do in ten years.

I’m now considering what my next goals will be. When I set goals, I do so in different categories: health, spirituality, financial, personal fulfillment. Or in other words, BE/DO/HAVE – what do I want to be, do and have?

It’s so easy to overwhelm oneself by taking on too much, so I find it more effective to take on small bite sized steps. For example, in my category of spirituality, I’m adding on saying the 13 Principles of Faith (Ani Maamins) daily.

I decided to do this after hearing the interview of parents who lost a son in the Meron tragedy. As I shared at the time, three of my sons were there that night, arriving on the scene right afterwards before any official announcements had been made about what occurred. These parents started the Ani Maamin initiative, and since strengthening my faith is an ongoing effort, this seemed like a good choice for me.

This takes a very short time so it’s not a big commitment time-wise, but I try to stick with what I take on so I have to take on something small enough to integrate long term.

I’ve clarified my goals in a couple of areas, but there are other things I’m still thinking about. Are there actions I want to do, or feel like I should do them? Are there goals I’m afraid to set because I don’t know if I’ll be able to stick to my commitment, and I don’t want to fail? Am I not setting certain goals because they’re too big and intimidating? Is there a long term goal that I can break into smaller pieces to make it doable, rather than not think about it at all?

That will take more time working it through; I’m trying to finish this in the next week so that I can be ready to begin in all areas by Rosh Hashana. I’d love to do a vision board again – I’m grateful to the person who visited and brought a stack of magazines a couple of years ago, and made it possible for me to do a vision board workshop with the teen girls I was working with, as well as with all of my family members. I transferred some of the pictures from my last vision board over a year ago and pasted them into my current planner. This planner is about to end and it would be nice to refresh the pictures rather than transfer them a second time into my new planner.

There are many ways to work through these life goal questions, but however you do it, it’s valuable to take time to set some personal goals. If you set goals, you might not reach them but you’ll still come out further ahead than if you don’t set any goals at all. As the saying goes, “Reach for the moon – even if you fall short, you’ll land among stars”.

Avivah

Our wonderful new family additions

Parenting

On Shabbos at 12:15 pm, our second daughter gave birth to a son (her third child, second son). Less than 24 hours later, our oldest daughter gave birth to a daughter (her fourth child, second daughter).

For those who are wondering, yes – these are the sisters who got married twelve days apart, had their first daughters 14 weeks apart, their sons two weeks apart – and now these children born within 24 hours.

It took twenty three years for our first eleven children to be born. Having grandchildren accelerates the rate of our family expansion, and it’s taken just six years for the number of grandchildren to match the number of our children. Bli ayin hara. There are now all of these wonderful children to have relationships with.

Since my oldest son and youngest married daughter were visiting when our newest granddaughter was born, they were all able to see her a few hours later.

New granddaughter, three hours old

We’ll have to wait a few days to see our new grandson; I’ll be traveling to Jerusalem on Wednesday and will see him then. The older boys will go for Shabbos to be there for the bris.

When starting this blog seventeen years ago, I kind of wondered what our family would look like in the future, but my mental picture has paled next to the reality. It’s been astounding and humbling to watch how our lives have unfolded and our family has grown.

Avivah

This week in the kitchen

Homemaking, Intentional Spending

It’s been months since I’ve done any canning. I did some pantry organizing this week and was surprised at how many empty jars I have. That’s a good thing, since it means that I’ve been regularly using up all that I canned!

I did a quick inventory and saw what hasn’t been getting used. There wasn’t much of a surprise there – I canned delicious clementines that were bitter after canning, then turned them into clementine jam. However, we don’t use regularly use jams, so they’ve been mostly sitting. That, along with some canned grapefruit and lychees, are not getting much attention. Fortunately it’s less than ten jars so I’m going to think about what to do with them in the next few weeks to clear the shelf space for something more useful.

I had a bunch of cabbage that needed to be used, so I decided to make a large pot of meat cabbage soup. I sauteed a few onions, added two kilos of shredded carrots, two large heads of shredded cabbage, a kilo of green beans, 3- 4 cups of meat gravy (I pour gravy off roasted meat or chicken and keep it to cook soups and stews with), a liter of home canned tomatoes, and two liters of home canned tomato juice. My son didn’t have a chance to grind the meat I was intending to add so I left that out; it didn’t need any additional seasoning because the gravy was so flavorful.

I did an experiment when making this – I had a number of large cucumbers that were beginning to turn yellow. I figured that since they’re in the squash family, I could use them as a substitute for zucchini. I’m pleased with how it worked out: since it has a higher water content than zucchini, it dissolved and became more of a thickener than recognizable on its own.

While I prepared this I thought a lot about my aunt. She was one of my most beloved people and passed away several years ago. I remember her making a vegetable soup using vegetables from her garden, serving some for dinner and then canning the rest all up – just like I did yesterday.

I canned 14 quarts and 7 pints of cabbage soup, the smaller jars for ds17 to take to yeshiva with him. I also canned seven quarts of beef stew for him. I told him to think about what dishes he’d like me to prepare so I can make them for him in the next couple of weeks, so he’ll have variety, but he said he’s not picky and is happy with whatever I make him. Sending canned meals for him this last year has made a huge difference for him.

(Ds6 and dd5 in background peeling cucumbers)

I also canned 14 quarts of chickpeas, since it makes it very easy to prepare chumus from scratch. I have other canned beans that I use much less frequently, but I use lots of chickpeas. I had about six cups of soaked chickpeas that didn’t fit into the canner so I decided to cook them and use them this week. Unfortunately, as happens too often when I cook chickpeas, I didn’t keep a close eye on them, so the water boiled down and they got a bit scorched. It made me think that perhaps I should stick to canning all the chickpeas I want to cook.

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During the year I get up by 5:30 am and often much earlier, but during vacation it’s nice to be able to sleep in. The younger kids wake up before six in the morning; I don’t like hearing or seeing young children when the hour is still 5, even 5:59 am. 6 am is fine. Yes, it’s completely psychological! But since they continue to get up earlier than my mental settings would prefer, today I decided rather than starting my day feeling put upon, I’m better off getting up earlier like usual.

This morning I continued to channel my aunt, who made biscuits for breakfast every morning. Hers were always delicious, light and flaky. I substituted butter for the Crisco she used to use, and spelt flour for white flour. Then, not being fully awake, I accidentally measured out baking soda instead of baking powder. I realized the mistake before mixing it in and tried to take it out, but some remained and the final result was perfect except for the taste of too much baking soda. Oh, well. They were edible, but not the delicious biscuits I remember from my aunt.

Before going to bed, I made a batch of flaxseed mixture to bake into crackers today. I intended to put them in the dehydrator first thing in the day since they need three hours to bake on low to be ready, then they’d be finished before we left for our trip. However, my seventeen year old son is in the middle of building a playhouse for the kids and left the transformer I need for the dehydrator in the backyard.

I didn’t feel like going outside at that moment so chose to try out another cracker recipe in the meantime. While the kids were having biscuits and scrambled eggs for breakfast, I mixed up the new recipe for crackers. I’m not a pinterest cook and don’t care about rolling them out perfectly; they taste great and we’ll take them on our trip later this morning.

Next I’m planning to make a large batch of plum compote, if I can keep the kids out of the plums long enough! They’re gobbling them down. What I’ve done in the past that has worked really well for us is to can compote in quart sized jars, then have it available for a Shabbos dessert.

We’ll also be hosting a kumsitz for men and boys Thursday night, so this afternoon the boys will be preparing food for that. I took ds17 shopping and he bought some good stuff! I’ll stay out of the kitchen while they work. My daughter and her husband will be coming for Shabbos and will hopefully arrive with my husband in time for the kumsitz.

I had hoped my older two married sons would be here for the kumsitz as well – I love when all of our sons sing together – but one changed plans and won’t be coming at all during this vacation period, and the other one is coming with his family on Friday.

Avivah

Seeking charedi foster family for ten year old twins

Parenting

I received this message from two different people so far, and am sharing it here to help spread the information to those who might be in a position to assist.

>> Looking for a warm and supportive Chareidi foster family for a pair of twins about 10 years old who are now in the jurisdiction of the welfare authorities after their family suffered a major crisis.
The authorities claim that they have not yet found a Chareidi foster family that matches their lifestyle and they are recommending a family with a different lifestyle. If you know of a chareidi family interested in fostering these children, please call Tal. 02-594-0880, only between the hours of 12.00 and 13.00. <<

The unfortunate reality is that there is a shortage of charedi foster families, and often the only option is to place charedi children with foster families who have a different religious environment. This is something that ds6’s bio parents discovered when they were looking for a family for him – that almost none of the available religious foster families were charedi.

To foster a child is a tremendous chesed; you can potentially dramatically change their life trajectory for the better. As a strong proponent of win-win, I would caution that it’s important to understand what the background and needs of the children are and to consider carefully if this is something you can do, so that it will be as positive an experience as possible for everyone involved. This is a huge commitment and someone should go in with their eyes wide open, with a realistic idea of what is involved. (I am available to discuss this if you have spoken to the person listed above and are seriously interested in taking these children in.)

I don’t know anything about this situation but perhaps one of you knows someone who can help. The message has been sent to me in English and Hebrew, which makes me wonder if the children might be English speakers, but that would definitely be one of the things that would need to be clarified.

Avivah

Our teen boys keeping busy with chesed

Parenting

We had a difficult couple of weeks after the bedroom change that I mentioned in my last recent post. Thankfully over the last week we’ve shifted into summer vacation with the arrival of my two sons who are usually away at yeshiva and the presence of our other two sons who sleep at home but are not around most of the day.

The younger children are so happy to have them all here; the older boys are all great with kids and are warm and caring older brothers. Since they willingly spend time with their younger siblings, it makes my life much easier. Especially with everyone home from school for the month of August, it’s extremely helpful and appreciated as it gives me a break during the day.

There was a bit of a delay in everyone being here at once, because ds17 stayed away a few days longer in order to help my oldest son do some renovations on their new home. Their home comes with a porch that was designed to be able to easily convert to an additional bedroom, and they needed to tile the floor and close in the room before they move in.

After working with my oldest, ds17 came home Sunday; that same day ds15 and ds14 left to continue working on the renovations for the next couple of days. Ds15 came home first, and ds14 stayed another day to finish up. They got a lot accomplished together. We’ve done a lot of DIY renovations on our homes over the years, and it makes me very happy for my current teens to have the skills and experience to help their older brother do this work.

I’m also very grateful to Hashem that after six years of marriage, our son and his wife are going to be moving into their own home. I’ve been so encouraged to see how Hashem has made everything work out for them – beginning with them signing the day before the price went up on the same apartment style by 100,000 shekels. Then a month later, it was another 100,000 higher, and a month later, another 100,000 higher. They had fortuitous ‘timing’ (more accurately, divine intervention) each step along the way.

When we talked about leaving RBS, my husband and I discussed the likelihood of any of our children one day living there. We didn’t want to leave if any of our then married children would move there. It didn’t seem like any of them would be interested in living there, and our oldest son definitively told me it wasn’t a match for them. Then a development that is more like a new city than a new neighborhood was planned and less than a year after we moved away, my son and his wife bought their home on paper (in the planning stage) in RBS-D. After two and a half years of waiting for it to be built, they’re moving in this week.

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The last couple of years, my teen boys have spent their summer vacation mornings busy learning in shul – my seventeen year old son has organized ‘yeshivas bein hazmanim’ during every vacation for the last couple of years, taking over for my son who did it before he got married.

I was glad when he told me he wouldn’t be doing it again this year – it’s so much work: he does the fundraising, shops for food, makes breakfasts for everyone who comes, gives a class for the younger boys, and takes them on trips. The kids enjoy it and though I sometimes wondered if parents took it for granted, he knew the boys appreciated it and felt the satisfaction of doing something that was needed.

Boys have approached my other sons wanting to know if it’s true that ds17 wasn’t going to be running it this summer, and asking him to please do it. He continued to answer that he wouldn’t be running it this year.

A couple of days ago a parent approached him and he agreed to run it again, but he assured me it will be structured differently and it make fewer demands on him. This is something that won’t happen if he doesn’t do it, and now even after telling me that during his past vacations he didn’t have time to do things that were important for him because he spent so much time organizing, he’ll be doing it again this summer.

Though I would prefer he doesn’t do it because I saw the pressure it’s created in the past, it does seem like the changes will make it better for him. I can’t complain about him being community-minded since that’s something I value, and I do see having opportunities to step up and do things that others aren’t doing is a plus in living where I do.

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For the past couple of years, our teens have spent their mornings learning and then worked in vacation rentals. There is so much work but not enough capable people who are willing to do the work, and they could all fill every day with work if they wanted.

Though they are all responsible for earning the money they need during the year, this year they’ve all decided they want to cut down on the work they do so they can enjoy their vacation more and spend time together.

It’s not that they mind working hard, since part of their time together has been lots of volunteer work at our shul. Our shul has undergone major renovations and when they’ve needed manpower, they regularly turn to our boys for help. (They call them directly; they don’t even call me or my husband anymore!) Yesterday was a particularly intense day, as they’re working hard to be able to use it for this Shabbos, after weeks of being in an alternate location.

The boys are not sure that’s going to be possible because there’s still so much to do. I guess we’ll see tonight!

Avivah

Foster care – first committee meeting for twins

Foster Care, Parenting

It’s really interesting for me to be in the middle of the management meetings for two very different foster care placements.

The reasons that ds6 and the twins came into foster care were very different, and legally that has ramifications for how their cases are handled, as I’m seeing with the committee meetings for each of them taking place one day after another. The twins’ case is considered complex so there are extra voices involved in what happens with them.

The social worker called at the end of last week to review the details of the meeting and give me my new ‘to do’ list.

The meeting began with her report, in which she shared how the twins were when they came, and how they’re doing now. She gave a number of specific examples of improvements of what their behaviors were and what they are now. All markers of well-being are improved, some dramatically so.

If you expected the committee to be relieved or even pleased to hear the children have had a good transition and are thriving – they’re not.

Her report was challenged. Two people in attendance said it can’t be that so much change would be possible in this time period. Bad behaviors can’t just disappear. Their explanation? The behaviors must be happening and either I’m not seeing it, or I’m seeing it and not reporting it. The social worker told them that’s not likely being that we supervise them so closely around the clock, and told them to come and meet us and see the kids to see for themselves.

Then there were a couple of things they’re unhappy about:

–I didn’t yet have a meeting with the parenting instructor, and they want that person to come and see the children in person. This is the first time I was hearing that she needs to see them; that was never part of the conversation before. I don’t mind, though. Whoever wants can come and see them.

I told them previously I was willing to set up a meeting and they said the therapist would be in touch with me. She called yesterday morning, and my husband and I had a meeting with her last night.

–The children are sleeping in the same room. When I originally was asked about taking the children, I asked if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. If I had been told they needed rooms of their own, that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t have been able to agree to have them. Right before they came, there was a sudden demand that they be split up and given different rooms. I told my social worker I couldn’t accommodate that, and she said we could put it to the side.

Well, someone on the committee is furious and my social worker has said they’re willing to pull the kids from us and send them to separate homes rather than leave them in the same room.

Whether I like or agree with it or not, I’m not going to play with the lives of the twins; that’s for the committee members to do. So at this point I have to find a way to accommodate them.

Since I don’t have extra bedrooms available, the only possible option is to put ds5 in the same room as ds11 and ds6, and give dd5 her own room. I couldn’t have done this before knowing the children, because I wouldn’t have put our boys at risk by having them share a room with a child with unknown behavior. Now that the twins have been here for eleven weeks, safety is no longer a concern.

I switched the sleeping arrangements that same day my social worker called even though it’s better for all of the children involved to leave the sleeping arrangements as they are. People who don’t know the children are making these decisions based on concerns that aren’t relevant and that’s frustrating for me.

Sharing a room has been very comforting for the twins. They came unable to get along with one another and the previous dynamic between them puzzled me, because it was so much the opposite of what I would have anticipated in a scenario like theirs.

Whatever their relationship was, we’re constantly guiding them in how to interact appropriately, and now they get along well, look out for each other, and enjoy spending time together. Dd5 does not want to sleep in a room by herself; she gets scared and lonely when she’s alone and when I told her she’s going to have her teddy bear with her, that was scant consolation. It’s been a few nights now and she keeps asking me why she has to sleep alone.

As far as moving ds5 into the boys’ room, I had a few reasons I preferred he not be there.

Until now the boys’ room was their sanctuary where they could go when they wanted to play together without the twins, without anyone touching their things. They could close the door and no one could come in without their permission. This personal space was important for them; I wanted them to know that their space, their toys, and their relationship with one another didn’t have to be shared.

Now that ds5 is in that room, it’s hard for everyone involved to have any privacy. Ds5 doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries or an internal sense of what appropriate usage of items is. He touches everything and needs very close guidance as to what can be used and how it can be used.

Previously he had a room that was his, he knew it was his stuff and he could touch whatever he wanted. Not only that, he could tell others to stay out if he wanted – they had to honor his boundaries, just like he had to honor their boundaries if they didn’t want him to come into their room. All of that was very good and healthy.

Now he’s in a room with things that are mostly off limits to him, that are special to ds11 and ds6. It’s already created so many conflicts…Ds6 is really struggling emotionally, whereas until this bedroom switch he was doing great. The social worker was amazed by his ability to sincerely welcome and include the twins, without feeling his place had been stolen.

We’ve focused from the time they’ve come on giving him tons of time and attention, and he’s felt secure with them being here. Until now. In the last few days he’s been crying often, getting hurt and insulted over very little things, getting upset at the twins for little things, constantly snatching his toys way and telling them not to touch them, and is generally unhappy. This is a child with a very sunny and easygoing nature. It hurts me to see him struggling. We’re doing our best to support everyone’s adjustment and hopefully soon they’ll all get used to it.

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A positive development that came up was that both twins will be placed in a new gan safa (kindergarten with extra supports) that will be opening in Yavneel. I’ve been trying and trying to find schools for them for the coming year and had no luck, so on one hand I’m relieved.

On the other hand, I don’t want them both in the same small class because it isn’t healthy for them – they need their time apart to develop their own relationships and this will push dd5 into a caregiving role for ds5 for the hours they are at school.

The concern of the two of them being in the same class was also discussed at the meeting. The brilliant committee minds found a perfect solution: since dd5 is on a higher level, they decided she can stay in this kindergarten for a few months, then be moved to a regular kindergarten without any supports.

I don’t want to say more than that’s not a plan that will be positive for her. But I’m continuing to trust that it will all work out for the best. Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.

(Update: Immediately after publishing this, I got an update from the social worker that there’s another change happening now – since dd5 is the only girl out of nine children registered for this kindergarten, they’re going to place her in a regular kindergarten instead. The twins won’t be together, which is really good, and she won’t have to make a switch in the middle of the year, which is also good, but she will be in a large class without the supports that she is supposed to have.)

In response to the question previously asked in the comment section: are the social workers pleased with how well the twins are doing?

At this meeting, it doesn’t seem any appreciation for or positivity about their progress was noted and instead they are skeptical that they could be doing so well because they ‘know’ these kids are difficult.

Time will do its work. Right now there’s a lot of oversight because it’s a new placement and the committee members have a lot of concerns based on the past. Hopefully as things fall into place and they see that we’re working with them, they’ll become more relaxed, and future committee meetings will be more positive.

Avivah

Foster care – first committee meeting for ds6

Foster Care, Parenting, Trisomy 21

This week I attended my first foster care committee meeting for ds6. These are supposed to take place yearly with representatives from social services, the foster care agency and the birth parents.

Somehow his case has fallen through the cracks and I learned only after the meeting concluded that there haven’t been any meetings regarding him for years. I didn’t know about this since I’m usually not expected to attend, and wouldn’t be notified. (In fact, the yearly meeting for the twins was held the day before this meeting, and I only found out about it because I happened to call our social worker and she mentioned she was in a different city waiting for it to begin.)

About sixteen months ago, ds6’s Israeli medical insurance was dropped; his file was sealed and unable to be accessed. When trying to figure out what was going on, I learned that the National Insurance blocked his account and it was related to his bio parents not being citizens. This issue can only be remedied by them getting him a passport of their nationality and then applying for a visa. I spoke to them about it last June; for whatever reason, it has yet to happen.

It’s been a major concern for us that ds6 hasn’t had medical insurance for so long, and a major frustration that no action has been taken to resolve the issue. By leaving this unresolved for so long, it feels like there’s no concern for him or us.

Discussing this topic and getting a commitment to get his legal paperwork in order was the first priority for this meeting.

The second was the issue of visitation. Before ds6 was placed with us, we met with his bio parents privately. At that time, they said they would be interested in coming as often as every week, but not less often than every month. I told them we welcomed their visits as often as they wanted to come. They came once a week for the first two weeks, then came to our oldest son’s wedding a couple of months later.

When we were at our oldest son’s chupa, they took him from the babysitter to spend time with him. If I had been asked I would have been fine with them spending time with him, but wasn’t comfortable that it was done without asking me, without me knowing or seeing, not even mentioning it afterward. That was the last ‘visit’ until he was almost three.

At that point, we requested a meeting with them to discuss our desire to adopt ds6. They came to Beit Shemesh, where we were living at the time, and after a long discussion said they weren’t willing to consider it. Afterward, they asked if they could see ds. We weren’t expecting that, but agreed so we all drove to our home.

First they sat with him in our garden, where they said they were uncomfortable because of the sun. Then they sat on our porch where they were uncomfortable for another reason. They really wanted to take him somewhere by themselves, so I said they could take him to the park down the street, which was a familiar place for him. Ten minutes later, they were back knocking on our door, telling me he started crying as soon as he realized I wasn’t there.

That ten minute visit took place almost four years ago, and they haven’t seen him since.

The more I’ve learned about adoption and foster care issues of attachment and abandonment, the more important I think it is for ds6 to have a relationship with them. Though in the early years I didn’t mind not having them involved if that was what they chose, I’ve increasingly come to believe that it’s better for him to know his bio parents if at all possible.

As such, I’ve made a strong request for regular visitation from them – whatever regular would mean to them – once a year would be fine if that’s all they could commit to.

Visitation was thus the second issue of discussion at the meeting.

When asked questions about their visitations, they were evasive until when pressed, finally said it had been years since they saw ds6. When asked why they didn’t visit, the bio mother said she doesn’t come because she feels like I don’t want her there.

Whenever I’ve asked about visitation with the father in direct phone conversations, he’s told me it’s too emotional for his wife and she doesn’t want to see him, so I understood there was an emotional component that made it too painful for her.

I was very taken aback to be blamed for their absence in the life of ds6 – I wish I would have been able to maintain a poker face when hearing this. That response and some others I was uncomfortable with have given me a lot to reflect on.

The head social worker then brought up adoption, telling them if they have no intention of taking ds6 back, then they should let us adopt him so he can have the security of being a legal part of our family. I had asked my social worker not to pursue the adoption conversation at this time, wanting to stick to the two above issues, and wasn’t happy when it was raised. But after thinking beyond my discomfort, it was good that it came up again and it’s part of the official record now.

The follow up meeting was scheduled for six months from now, rather than the common yearly spacing. They explained to me afterward that they wanted to put out the idea of adoption to give the bio parents time to consider it, and scheduled the meeting for six months out in order to pursue that conversation.

His bio parents told us from the beginning that their intention was to place him with us for the long term. We’ve wanted to adopt him for a very, very long time. Everyone in our family sees him as a family member the same as anyone born into the family; the foster care status is just a technicality to us.

The only reason that he hasn’t been adopted has been their refusal. Out of respect for them, we haven’t been willing to force the issue though the law would support our position if we did. Another mother in a similar situation who recently adopted told me to push for the termination of parental rights, but I told her the court can make that decision and I’m not going to push that agenda.

I was frustrated at the conclusion of the meeting that nothing definitive had been agreed upon regarding visitation – they said they’d rather not visit and don’t see the need for it, and it was left like that. The social workers told me bio parents can’t be forced to visit their child. I suppose that’s true, but I’ve never met another foster family in the situation of the bio parents never coming to visit.

It was a three and a half hour trip to get there, so I was physically tired before I walked in the door, but I was emotionally exhausted and frustrated after participating. My social worker said it was a very important meeting and that it was important that I was there. We’ll see in another six months what happens.

Avivah

Baking bread with my fast and easy whole grain bread recipe

Intentional Spending, recipes

Late last night, I realized that we didn’t have any bread for sandwiches for the children going to camp (at their schools). Since the bread locally is sold out by the morning, there wasn’t any to buy. I could have gone to the store early in the morning to buy their overpriced bread, which is what I did a couple of weeks ago when I was in the same situation (teen boys eating the bread that was intended for the younger kids school lunches).

This time, I decided to bake some bread instead of making another early morning run to the market. The only problem was I was too tired to start baking at that time of night, so instead I set my alarm for 4:50 am.

My husband woke up at the same time and seeing how tired I was, very generously offered to make the bread for me so I could sleep a bit longer, but when he couldn’t find some of the ingredients I got up. It’s just the getting up when I’m tired that’s hard; once I’m up I enjoy the early morning hours.

It’s a quick recipe to put together so in a few minutes I mixed it all up, then made one loaf and a bunch of rolls.

My oldest daughter had an early morning driving test (which she passed her first time!), and at 6:15 am her three children arrived, joining me and our four youngest children. With seven children who all wanted to eat, play and talk at the same time, and three of them needing to get dressed and ready to leave the house between 6:45 and 7:20, it was busy.

Pro parenting tip: everything goes much more smoothly when there’s food ready to eat as soon as the kids are ready! Hungry kids are cranky kids, and having freshly baked rolls to offer the kids definitely helped keep that busy first hour enjoyable for everyone.

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The last time I ran out of bread, I got up at 5 am, got to the local market by 5:15 and bought a loaf of spelt bread for 20 shekels. Small markets are always more costly, but I needed it and was glad to be able to get it.

However, this time I realized it wouldn’t even save time to buy it. It takes longer to go to and from the store than to spend five minutes of hands-on time mixing the dough. Of course, it takes time to rise and bake, but that’s passive so as long as you start an hour and a half before you need it, you can make it fresh for a significant price savings.

Avivah’s Fast and Easy Whole Grain Bread

  • 4 c. warm water
  • 2 T. yeast
  • 2/3 c. honey, date syrup or sugar
  • 2/3 c. oil
  • 4 t. salt
  • 8 – 10 c. whole wheat or spelt flour

Mix the warm water and yeast. Then add the remaining ingredients in the order listed. Mix in flour until the dough is slightly tacky but able to be handled without sticking to your hands. Form into loaves or rolls and let rise until doubled. (This went very quickly today in a non-air conditioned kitchen with outdoor temps over 105 degrees. :)) Bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit/180 degrees Celcius.

This recipe yields three large loaves.

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Here’s a breakdown of my costs:

  • Sweetener – I used date syrup, 20 shekels a kg. 2/3 c. is about 4.5 shekels.
  • Coconut oil – 17.5 shekels a liter; 2/3 of a cup is about three shekels.
  • Spelt flour – 7.5 shekels a kilo (I buy by the case), I used one bag.

The cost of salt and yeast is minimal but let’s say it’s another shekel, so 16 shekels for three loaves of spelt bread, of much higher quality than one store bought loaf.

Avivah

Foster care – Two more summer birthdays and two month update

Foster Care, Parenting

A couple of weeks ago I attended five end-of-the-year parties in a ten day period – four for our children, and one for a granddaughter. It was especially busy since all of the parties were in cities an hour drive away, except for our granddaughter, who is in Jerusalem. (I went to see our new granddaughter for the first time and then went to the party afterward).

Our first eleven children were born in ten different months; the exception is two birthdays in July. The summer is our busiest time for family birthdays, and with the twins’ birthday coming up in a month, it’s getting even busier.

I moved directly from being busy with end-of-year parties to being busy with birthday parties for the younger children. Ds11 celebrated his birthday in school a week ago and this Shabbos we’ll do his birthday circle. The twins will be on vacation when it’s their birthday, and since I think it’s important for them to celebrate with their current friends and teachers, I arranged with each of their teachers to have their class parties in the next few days.

Along with parties comes baking birthday cakes. I made ds11 a double layer cake with frosting and intended to do something similar for the twins. My oldest daughter lives locally and invited ds11 over yesterday for special time to bake a birthday cake together with her. I asked her if she could triple the recipe and make three cakes, and she agreed.

However, instead she made three completely different cakes. This morning when I showed ds5 his bulldozer cake, he was so excited! His face was shining.

Dd5 is asking about her cake (it’s still at my daughter’s house for finishing touches); she asked repeatedly for Hello Kitty which I have no idea how to make and wouldn’t have done, but my daughter did. I want it to be a surprise when she sees it so I’m not mentioning anything.

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Two months have passed since the twins joined our family, and it’s remarkable how much more normal it feels to have them with us.

In every new situation, beginnings are difficult, and our first weeks were challenging and exhausting, as I’ve shared. As time has gone by, my husband and I agreed that it no longer feels as hard having them.

The twins are SO much more relaxed and calm.

A few days ago, ds5 was overtired and when I took him to a room for some quiet time, he spent over an hour and a half screaming, flailing his entire body, kicking the bed he was on and punching the wall repeatedly before falling asleep in exhaustion (I stayed next to him the entire time). It was a good reminder of how far he’s come – in the beginning this happened at least once a day, but it’s been weeks since this has happened. When he’s tired, it’s usually very manageable with some hugs and extra attention.

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Dd5 slipped and hit her head hard a couple of days ago. She was just calming down when the social worker arrived. At that point, she switched to fake crying (it was obvious to the social worker, too) and continued for the next hour and forty five minute visit, sitting on my lap the entire time. Just as the social worker left, she began vomiting from crying so long and fell asleep.

She’s never cried this long before, though she used to fake cry a lot about a lot of things. When she first arrived, I noticed that she got hurt often and every little scratch was a topic of conversation for days. I inferred that something about getting hurt brought her the attention she sought in the past.

Her response to getting hurt has shifted a lot. She no longer talks all the time about all the things that hurt her and how it happened. She comes to me if she falls or gets hurt in some other way, and after some empathy, generally moves on to the next thing.

Dd5 used to seek contact non-stop and now that’s also dramatically improved. She used to need to touch me and talk to me all day long; even if I was napping, she would insistently wake me up to get that contact. I give a lot of hugs and squeezes throughout the day, and especially before bed. Now when I’m resting, she looks into my room and seeing me is enough for her to run off and continue her activities, even if my eyes are closed and I don’t look at her.

It wasn’t only me that she sought so much contact with, but everyone in her radius. Her indiscriminate seeking of connection was my biggest concern for her, as it would make her a target for predators.

This behavior was a significant factor in my consideration to bring the twins into our family – we were originally approached because they had a potential family for dd5 in our area and wanted to know if we would take ds5 so the twins could stay in the same area. When I heard the family willing to take her had an older foster son with challenging behaviors, I felt alarmed thinking of of a young girl with disordered attachment in that scenario.

A family member was here weeks ago and expressed concern about the seeking behavior she witnessed. I reassured her we understood it and were addressing it. She came to visit last week and commented how big a change there’s been and that she no longer sees anything out of the norm.

As things have settled down, as we’ve all gotten used to one another and established a daily and weekly flow, we’ve seen so many positive shifts in so many ways, much more than what I’ve shared about here. I no longer feel we’re constantly dealing with trauma responses but rather have shifted into mostly typical kid behavior.

Parenting the twins (and all of our children) isn’t effortless by any means. But emotionally it no longer feels like constant work. Attachment is the glue that smooths the hard places in relationships; with attachment comes good intentions, the desire to please and the willingness to overlook missteps (on both the side of the parent and child), all of which go very far in creating a positive environment. We love them and they love us, and that attachment is working well for all of us.

Avivah