All posts by Avivah

Foster care -preparing to meet the children for the first time

Parenting

No, the children aren’t here yet.

I called the social worker yesterday at 3:40 pm and told her I assumed they weren’t coming, since school would be over at 4 and if they were coming directly from school as I was told they might, there wouldn’t be time for that to happen. She was startled at how late it was, and still didn’t have an answer for us as to what the court had decided.

She’s trying to keep me updated and prepared for whatever may happen, and I could tell from the tone of her voice that she felt embarrassed to tell me once again that what I was told was highly likely didn’t happen. I told her not to feel uncomfortable, I understand it’s just the process and that everyone is doing their best to help move this along.

I appreciated that I had time to finish moving all the clothing for ds10 and ds6 into their new room, and now the old room is fresh and ready for the twins. It’s much more relaxing knowing that whenever they come, everything is basically ready.

The social worker called me later last night to say that the court met and decided to postpone the final decision for this morning. I’m wise to the way this goes by now (maybe you’re starting to be able to predict this, too?), so I assumed that the morning would mean sometime before it was dark at night. That was a good estimation – she called me today at 5 pm to tell me they didn’t meet until later in the day – but they did have a decision!

So what did they decide? The court’s decision is that the twins need to be removed immediately. But they’re taking into account the social workers’ feedback, and the social workers are recommending a somewhat gradual introduction to our home rather than plunking them here like a sack of potatoes purchased at the store.

The children don’t know anything about the search for a new family for them. The temporary foster parents also don’t know about the transition for the children from their home that is being planned. And neither do the parents. No one was told anything because they’ve been waiting until there was a conclusive decision by the court.

So far, this is the plan, that is 99.9% certain unless they change it. (That’s a quote from my social worker, and she didn’t say it jokingly.)

Tonight they’re going to call the temporary foster parents and notify them that a long term foster family was found. Tomorrow morning, the children’s social worker will visit them in the home to let them know what’s happening. Soon after that, my husband and I are going to meet them. That’s the most definite part of the plan.

The part that is in question is this: we’re supposed to make another visit to them on Sunday. Then first thing Monday morning, they’ll come here. But if the court decides they need to be removed faster, they might come Sunday instead, and one visit will suffice. I’m really glad that they’ll get to meet us at least once before moving in.

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My next update from the social worker came at 9 pm, telling me what we need to prepare for the visit tomorrow morning. The children’s social worker specializes in transferring children in emergency situations, and will be there for whatever visits we have with them. She gave our social worker a list of preparations to make.

I appreciated the guidelines, though my husband and I are both disappointed that this was told to us at the last minute. It feels like a lot of pressure, and we’ll have to put something together in a makeshift way instead of doing it nicely.

  1. Bring a physical photo album with names of the people in our family that can be left with them.
  2. Bring a physical picture of our home from the outside and their room that can be left with them.
  3. Bring presents for each of them.
  4. Bring a sweet treat for each of them.

I don’t have any recent pictures lying around – the last time I printed anything out was eight years ago, and those aren’t current representations of our family members. The photo shop in Tiberias doesn’t open until 10 am tomorrow morning, and there won’t be time to print them before we have to be at our meeting. Ditto with going to buy toys.

We’re going to print out pictures on our black and white home printer to make into a booklet for them, but will have to take some pictures in the morning and putting the booklet together will have to wait until the morning. I haven’t yet started cooking for Shabbos, I have guests coming – tomorrow is going to be a busy day.

As far as gifts: I put a new stuffed animal on each of their beds, so instead of them being here when they arrive, I’ll give them each one during our visit.

She suggested introducing myself as Avivah to them, which I’m not at all comfortable with – our kids don’t call adults by their first names and it would be jarring for all of us to hear a child refer to me in that way. I asked since our kids all call me Mommy, can I introduce myself like that? They are Hebrew speakers so this wouldn’t be something they would recognize as a name for a mother, and I think it would smooth their transition to call me the same thing as everyone else. She said I should let them eventually decide to call me that on their own.

(A cute side note – when I moved here a few years ago, an almost two year old neighboring child used to spend a lot of time in our home. He’s an English speaker, but they called their mother Ima and he wasn’t familiar with the term Mommy as a name for a mother. When he heard my kids addressing me as such, he did the same. It was very sweet.)

I asked if I can instead introduce myself as Doda (Aunt) Avivah? She said no, because I’m not their aunt. I told her that in a global way, the Jewish people is all one big family so it’s not untrue to say that, and often when my kids were little, I referred to my close friends as Auntie Leah, Auntie Rachelli. I’m not going to tell them to call me Mrs. Werner! She’s going to call and find out what is okay. It’s a little annoying that every little thing needs to get approval.

Oh, by the way, yesterday the court decided they (boy/girl 5.5 year old twins) need to sleep in separate rooms. I am not happy about a demand like this being made at this point without asking if it’s something we can do. When I first discussed taking both children, I specifically queried if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. Though I technically have bed space for the boy in the room with ds6 and ds10, I don’t think sharing a room is a good idea for any of them at this point, for a number of reasons. And I don’t have two available bedrooms to give them each their own room. I told our social worker that we can work on that as time goes on, but it’s not something I can immediately accommodate.

A time for our meeting still can’t be set up, since the signed written official court order hasn’t been released; everything was verbally relayed. We have to wait until tomorrow morning for them to get the court order, then they’ll call us and tell us when and where to be. They said they realize that they need to get this organized earlier in the day (being that it’s erev Shabbos), but I have a feeling that my idea of early and theirs may differ quite a bit.

The decision for the first visit to take place tomorrow indicates how strongly the court feels about moving the children quickly, since Friday is a national day off, and anyone who will be working on this case is doing it outside of their normal work hours.

Avivah

24 hours later, a different kind of call

Foster Care, Parenting

Yesterday evening I went to pick up my husband and ten year old son, who were returning from a week long trip to the US.

A few minutes before getting there, the social worker called; I couldn’t answer since I was driving. I pulled up to the train station and waved hello to them, and as they put their suitcases in, she called again. I didn’t answer since I wanted to be present for our family members after not seeing them for a week.

She called a few minutes later – it was 7:30 pm and calling after work hours isn’t typical for her. Neither is calling three times in a row within ten minutes. By then, I was driving again, so my husband answered.

(As we’re going through all of this, I’m reminded of the situation with ds6 when we were waiting for his placement with us. I didn’t write about that in detail as the timeline unfolded, but it was constant up and down. I don’t think it’s like this every time there’s a placement to be made, though. Ds6 had a complicated legal status that still hasn’t been resolved and continues to create difficulties to this day, and that was the reason then for all the changes. )

Now, my husband didn’t yet know anything about what you know from reading my last post, since he was already traveling when I got that call saying the foster placement at our home was denied by the court, in favor of pursuing an adoptive home.

As a result, he was less surprised than I was by the brief conversation he had with the social worker. After he got off the phone, I had to quickly catch him up on what had been happening so he understood why I was taken aback.

Less than twenty four hours after the call relaying the court’s negative decision regarding placement with us, we got a completely different message. They now want the children placed with us very quickly, and time no longer allows for the transition plan that had been worked out, discussed and agreed upon. The intention was to allow us and the children to get to know one another over the course of five visits, and then the placement would take place. I thought that it seemed a healthy way to help them transition.

As soon as we got home, I called the social worker back to get a clearer idea of what was going on. Why the sudden change? I’m not being told details and it doesn’t really matter.

This morning she told me they could come as soon as tomorrow or Sunday, depending on whatever they’re deciding about later today. ‘Or maybe much longer?’ I asked her. ‘No, it won’t be much longer than that,’ she said. We’ll continue to wait and see – you can see just from what I’ve been sharing in the last few days (and there was a lot more in the last ten weeks) that there’s no promise of anything happening until it happens.

Even though the transition plan officially has been cancelled, I requested to visit them once before they move here. I’d like to minimize the trauma of them moving to a completely new place where they know no one, so they have at least a cursory acquaintance and some mental preparation. The social worker said that if they’re coming tomorrow there’s no time for that. I told her that even if they come tomorrow, I think it’s very, very important for them to meet me first. I’ll go anytime today or tonight to their city (about an hour’s drive away), whenever they say that I can. I’m waiting to hear if that will be allowed.

(I don’t think there’s technically any reason there would be a problem with me doing this, and they’d probably agree it’s a good idea. But there’s now so much urgency in this situation that I don’t think they have the time to take care of a little detail like this when there’s a lot going on behind the scenes legally.)

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My husband came home from his trip with a bunch of clothes I ordered for the twins, and today another local order arrived with more clothes I bought them. I knew I was taking a chance to buy clothes for children who weren’t yet placed here, but I don’t like to leave things until the last minute. Especially at a time when all of our emotional and physical energy would be needed to facilitate their entry into our family, I didn’t want to be worrying about clothing shopping. After the call regarding the negative placement decision it looked like there would be a lot of unused clothing around.

With this sudden change in plans, it’s nice to know that I have wardrobes ready for them (as well as other things I prepared, I’ll try to share about that if time allows) without having to rush out and go shopping. I appreciate not feeling stressed or pressured about the possibility of them coming tomorrow.

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We have three bedrooms on the main floor of our home, and three on the second floor. We’re going to move our teens to a room upstairs, then ds10 and ds6 will move into the room they vacate. That will free up a room for the twins on the main floor – I won’t put young children upstairs, far from us.

I haven’t yet spoken to the younger boys about the possibility of these children coming (I wouldn’t tell them something that I didn’t know was going to happen), but several weeks ago I did place the seed about moving to the big boys room, telling them it’s because they’re getting big. They were excited about that.

I’d like to have as much time for our younger boys to get used to being in a new room before someone else comes along and sleeps in their old room – I don’t want them to feel dispossessed – if I knew this was definitely happening, I would have switched them sooner. We’ll be moving everything around today, and last night I told ds10 he’ll be sleeping in his new room tonight, so I’m not springing that as a last minute surprise.

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As I was about to finish writing this, I got another call from the social worker. The case has gone back to court and is under discussion this very minute. She said the likelihood they will be brought directly to our home today from kindergarten is high; at the very latest they’ll be here on Sunday. She apologized that she won’t be here for the drop off since she has other plans for the next two days that can’t be changed. That means the social worker who comes will be someone who hardly knows us or our family.

It’s 1:40 pm as I write; they finish school at 3 pm (or is it 4pm?, the social worker isn’t sure), and it’s an hour drive from there. That’s not a lot of notice.

I just told my husband and he started laughing. My thirteen year old exclaimed on the suddenness, remarking how yesterday we didn’t even think they were coming at all!

I’m looking around my living room at the luggage from my husband’s trip waiting to be put away, thinking of the bedroom that has only begun to be switched around in preparation for their arrival, picturing social workers suddenly descending on us in three hours with two children who had no warning this would happen, my jetlagged husband and son…

It’s good we’re a flexible family.

Time to take a deep breath to restore my nice relaxed feeling of a few minutes ago. And I’m going to put some the luggage away right now; I find taking action is a good counter to being busy in my thoughts.

We’ll see when they actually get here. Now the idea of them coming on Sunday seems like loads of time to prepare!

Avivah

Foster placement court decision made

Foster Care, Parenting

The long awaited court date to approve placement for the twins with our family has finally taken place.

And we weren’t approved.

To say that everyone was surprised would be putting it mildly. It seemed like this was a open and shut situation, that the court case would be rubber stamping what everyone had agreed would be in the best interests of the children. The supervisory social worker, who has been involved in many cases, was shocked at this turn of events.

There is someone involved pulling strings behind the scenes who doesn’t have a social work background, and has a different focus on what the needs of children are than all of those trained in this work. She has now determined that she wants the parental rights terminated, and the children placed for adoption instead of fostering.

When I first asked about the length of the expected foster stay, I did hear mention that this legal representative did not want the children going back to their parents, but it was said in passing, not as a definitive determining statement. To me it seems very quick to terminate their rights and put their children up for adoption, but obviously I’m not familiar with the inside details as she is so perhaps this is the right decision.

We aren’t looking to adopt, though if this placement was working well for everyone, we would be glad for them to stay with us until they age out, and I’ve expressed that. However, I can’t and won’t commit to adoption.

Why the push for adoption?

Logistics. I was told that if the children are adopted out, then social services can say they’ve done their part to ensure a good family for the children, and there’s no longer any responsibility on their part for the children or the rehabilitation of the parents.

While it’s obviously in the best interests of children to be adopted by a loving family, the there are even fewer adoptive parents available than foster parents. (Remember, I told you that a country-wide search was done for other foster parents and we are the only family available.)

The social workers are frustrated that the children have an opportunity for a long term home with an excellent (foster) family. There is no one else waiting in the wings to step up; there are no other options. They need to be removed from an emergency foster care placement that they’ve overstayed by months. And now someone comes along with a different plan at the last minute, after ten weeks of them putting all the pieces together for them to come to us.

You can see how frustrating it must be to be a social worker in this situation. (Every social worker involved from all the different angles supported their placement with us.)

It’s unsettling for us to be in limbo for so long, too. There are decisions we’re waiting to make based on if they’ll be coming, and it’s becoming somewhat stressful to deal with all of this back and forth for so long.

We decided if the twins come to us, we’ll close down our vacation rental to make space physically and emotionally for them. Meanwhile, I have people calling to make reservations for the summer (I didn’t do any advertising since we’re in limbo, but people are calling based on referrals from friends who stayed here). Until now I’ve been telling them we won’t be open, but last night right after the social worker called, I got another request and I don’t know what to tell them. We’ll forfeit a significant sum of money if we close to accommodate the children, and then they don’t come, or they come in a few months.

Also, the engine on my car just went a few days ago and we need to replace it. If we have two more young children who will regularly need to be transported on family outings, we’ll need a larger vehicle than what I would get otherwise. I don’t want to buy a larger (more expensive) vehicle if I don’t need it. I’d like to get the car situation resolved but it’s one more thing dependent on the placement decision.

That’s in addition to the general emotional roller coaster for my husband and myself, as well as our older children, waiting and wondering if it will happen and when it will happen. One day it looks unlikely and the next day it’s all systems go. I’m getting lots of practice in letting go and letting things happen as they will. Last night I did have a strong impulse to call them and tell them if they don’t make a decision within a week or two, I’m going to pull out, that I can’t stay indefinitely available – I’m still pondering if that’s the right thing to do or not.

They will be going back to court to appeal the decision. I don’t know when that will happen, and I really can’t predict what the outcome will be. This move from the legal representative was unexpected, so we’re no longer in a situation that we can assume that what usually happens is what will happen.

When the social worker called me last night to update me, a phrase went through my mind: “Man’s rejection is G-d’s protection.” I don’t assume this court decision is a bad thing; throughout this period I have been very conscious of not hoping for a particular outcome. Regardless of the odds one way or another, these children will end up where they’re meant to be, and that’s not necessarily going to be with us.

Avivah

Could you be a foster family? Here’s the criteria in Israel

Foster Care, Parenting

A few days ago I chatted with a couple of the visiting social workers who had come to do our home inspection for the foster care process, after we finished doing a walkthrough of our home.

One told me that a country-wide search had been done to find a home for the children who are being recommended for our family. I asked how it could be that there wasn’t one other family in the country willing to bring them into their homes. They told me that first of all, it’s always hardest for kids with special needs to be placed. And the older they get, the harder it is.

Here in Israel, they’ll try to find placements for children over eight, but at this time, she said it’s basically impossible. Because Israel is a country that has so many institutions with dormitories, children over eight will go to some kind of institution.

She shared something quite concerning to me. In the last year or two, something has shifted in the general culture and they’re having a shortage of foster families that they’ve never seen before. (This challenge is heightened by the increase in children needing foster families during the covid period.)

An instructive example she shared was about a typical baby born to typical parents who immediately after birth became available for fostering in the Jerusalem area. (I didn’t ask why he was placed.) They found a family in a kibbutz up north, who drove down to Jerusalem to get him; it worked out well. A baby like this is unusual, and is considered the most desirable – and is what the majority of foster families are hoping for. This situation illustrates the shortage, since they couldn’t find an available foster family anywhere in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem to take him, when in the past there would have been plenty of parents clambering for the opportunity.

If that’s the situation for a child that most people would be comfortable fostering, imagine the difficulty for the child who has special needs of some sort in finding a foster home. Many of them aren’t finding families.

I asked them why they think there’s been such a change in the willingness of families to do foster care?

She said, they’ve seen this in the Arab sector for quite a while, that they are so occupied dealing with their own lives that they don’t have the energy or desire to take in someone else’s child. (Obviously there are Arab foster families – I met one at the foster care round table I was invited to participate in several years ago, as the special needs foster parent representative.)

Now this has shifted to the general Israeli population. In the last year or two, as people have become more stressed and economically limited, fewer families are have the emotional headspace to consider fostering.

This supervisor had earlier told me they aren’t trying to market these children to us, and I now somewhat jokingly told her it seems to me they need to market to potential foster families. She told me, in all seriousness, that every single day they are thinking about what to do to bring more families in, that the situation placing children has become very difficult and they need many more families.

What are they looking for in foster families?

First of all, they prefer to see the youngest child in your family being about five, so that you’re emotionally available for the needs of the foster child. When I commented that would tilt to older parents, they agreed, saying that they want parents who are more mature. However, I know of people who didn’t fit this criteria who foster, so this would be waived if the more critical aspects were met.

When you apply to foster, they’ll do a police check on everyone over 18 in your family. You’ll need to have a medical exam and have your doctor fill out a form about your health; they want you to be healthy enough to raise the child to adulthood. I believe that the age guidelines for foster parents are from 25 – 55. They prefer those who already have parenting experience.

They’ll ask about your income and the size of your home; they want to know you aren’t in financial hardship and have space for the child. Your home should basically be neat and organized – it doesn’t have to be sparkling at all times but it’s hard for me to imagine someone with a very disorderly home being approved.

The most important thing isn’t the size of your home, your income or anything above. What they said they look for most are stable families with parents who are flexible and understanding with regards to children. They want people who can accept and be loving towards children who are coming from hard places (which generally include some challenging behaviors).

They also said it’s important for the parents to be able to deal with the bureaucracy, with people coming to your home and all the other technical stuff that comes with raising a child who belongs to someone else, with the government as your partner. This was a huge hesitation for me when I first considered fostering, though it hasn’t been as challenging as I expected.

When we lived in Beit Shemesh, we were affiliated with The Summit Institute; they deal with families in the central Jerusalem area and the south; there’s also Orr Shalom. Now we are working with Matav, who operates in the north.

If you have questions about the fostering process, please ask in the comments. If you know this is something you want to do, reach out to any of the organizations that I listed. If you leave a message but don’t get called back, call them again. They are overextended and understaffed, so don’t take it personally if you don’t get a response initially.

Avivah

Our home visit with the attending social workers – foster care

Foster Care, Parenting

There’s a lot that’s been going on behind the scenes and I’ve debated mentioning it or not, because it’s possible nothing will come of it. I’ve decided to share our process of being approved for foster placements, and wherever it leads us, it leads us. If I wait until everything is settled to share about this, I’m likely to forget lots of the details and to be too busy with whatever stage we move into to write retroactively about our experience.

Brief background recap: A couple of months we were approached about fostering a young boy, who has a sister for whom a placement was found in Yavneel. The hope was to find two families in the same area to take each of the siblings so they could maintain a relationship. We initially said no, then went back for more information. After much discussion, we offered to take both five and a half year old twins, which so much took them aback that they thought we had misunderstood their request was to take just one.

Once we agreed, I expected that things would move much faster than they have, but there have been an unusual amount of delays in moving this situation forward. After seeing all of this unfolding, I have so much sympathy for social workers who have to work within this incredibly inefficient system. I can see how frustrating and difficult it must be for them.

Weeks ago, our first home visit was cancelled a day or two before it was supposed to take place. The necessary pieces weren’t coming together, despite lots of effort and advocacy and even heavily leaning on legal authority (by social workers, not me – I mostly sat back and let things unfold as Hashem wanted). At this point, the school and transportation have been arranged, which was necessary to have in place before they would come to our home to check us out.

And so, today we finally had our home visit, a critical step to be approved for fostering specific children.

Since my husband flew to the US yesterday, the meeting was between me and four social workers: our social worker, the head social worker of the foster care agency, the social worker representing the parents, and the social worker representing chok noar from the parents’ area in the north (I don’t know what the equivalent in the US would be – literal translation is ‘Youth law’).

They were here for two and a quarter hours. My expectation was that they would be very interested in seeing our home. They were, but that was the secondary goal. Most of the focus was on getting a sense of who I am, to know who will be raising the children. As they told me, these children have experienced a lot of trauma and they want their placement to be successful.

The conversation jumped pretty quickly into what some would consider challenging conversation. Basically, I was told there were very difficult behaviors involved and asked what made me think I could handle them. (My social worker later expressed concern on how this had been for me, but I recognized the concern that was behind the questioning and it didn’t bother me at all.)

I was interested in how the temporary foster home is dealing with it, so I redirected the first somewhat edgy line of questioning and asked about that. I was told that they’re not dealing with certain behaviors at all. I learned more about the current foster family, which was something important for me to know since I want to understand as much as possible where the children are coming from and what they’re used to.

I told her honestly that I have concerns about the challenges, that I’m sure that there is much more trauma than what we’ve been told about and that the behaviors will be worse than we were led to believe (the social worker concurred that this is likely), and that I hope we have the ability to support them. I also later told two of the social workers that I’ll make no long term commitments and if I feel that the safety of any of my children is being compromised by these children, the needs of the children I already have will take priority.

We went on to discuss our family, our approach to parenting and lots of other stuff. It was an interesting and positive conversation.

I was told that they had already checked our family out with various people, and gotten glowing feedback. I had no idea when I was interacting with various people in the local education department over the last three years that they’d one day be telling social workers their opinion of me. That was a pleasant thing to hear.

We ended with a quick tour of our home. Two of the social workers had to cut it short since they had another appointment, so they only looked at the first floor of our home. One told me the most important thing is that they see the room where the children would stay. The other two stayed to see the entire home, which I think is good because it gives a fuller and more accurate picture of our accommodations.

The next step will be to go back to court and petition for the children to be placed with us. I then learned that a country-wide search to find other foster families that were willing and able to support these children has already been done but no other family is available. This search needed to be done because of the opposition of the legal advocate/court representative, who wanted a family who isn’t living in Yavneel (I was told there’s a negative association with this area), isn’t charedi (because the bio parents aren’t religious), and is living in close proximity to a suitable school (so they don’t have to travel to school).

I was told it can take between a week to a month for this to come to court. However, it seems likely it will be closer to a week. If there is court approval for a placement in our family, then we’ll begin the transition stage in which we and the children begin getting to know one another over the course of several meetings.

While the further we go with this process, the more likely it is that the placement will be made, no one will make any assurances or predictions of what will happen. We’re making no assumptions, and wait and see continues to be our position.

Avivah

Help children prepare for travel and transition

Parenting

This morning I took my husband and ds10 to an early morning train headed for the airport. They’ll be going to the US and will be away for a week. Ds10 has been so excited about this trip that he could hardly bear waking up each morning and hearing that it still wasn’t the day to leave.

To help him prepare for the trip and help him be aware of time, we made a calendar chart taped to the fridge. Every morning as soon as he woke up, before doing anything else he marked that day off with an X. Except today – he didn’t even think of marking today off since he was ready to go!

My husband made a separate chart for ds6, who naturally wanted one just like his big brother! We’re planning to have special time together and I’m looking forward to having this time with him. We talked about what he’d like to do, and he requested to go to the store together, and to a zoo that we visited recently. So we’re going to do that! I’m also thinking of taking him to a therapeutic donkey sanctuary that I was once invited to by the owner, if we can make the timing work. When it comes to children, less is more – I’ll wait until the day we have something planned to tell him about other plans.

Our six year old is very connected to ds10 and my husband, and we don’t anticipate it will be easy for him to be without them both at the same time. In order to help him have a sense of how much time is left until they come back, my husband took an idea from my daughter-in-law, and prepared five balloons (one for each day they won’t be here, not including the day they leave and come back). In each blown up balloon is a candy. They are taped to the fridge, and each day we’ll pop a balloon together.

Consistency is very important to children, and when there’s a change for them, helping create predictability and stability with something like a simple chart and balloon strategy helps them to feel secure and more easily emotionally navigate the changes they are experiencing.

You can create charts and routines for regular days; you don’t have to wait for a special event. Kids feel more secure knowing what is going to happen when, what follows what, what time meals will be, and what will be served for dinner. When our children were younger, our daily schedule, chore chart and weekly meal plan were always displayed on the front of our fridge.

As our children have gotten older and there are less people to keep on the same schedule, this has been less necessary and those charts have faded away. However, with the potential changes coming up for our family, posting a daily schedule and weekly meal plan will likely be making a comeback very soon.

Avivah

The disappointments in raising animals

Homeschooling, Parenting

When you raise animals, you learn a lot about disappointment.

There’s so much time, money and energy that go into raising animals, but the end result isn’t completely in your hands.

My fifteen year old son learned a lot from his experiencing raising chicks last year, and applied all those lessons to this season’s hatching. He renovated the incubator he built, set up good systems to protect the newborn chicks from injury, worked out the heating lamp system to keep the baby chicks warm as they grew, and the first two batches of chicks did really well.

Until he switched their food for Pesach. Six of his bigger chicks died in two days. We don’t know how many more would have died on Pesach, because…

Right after the first day of Pesach was over, all of his chicks were stolen from our gated backyard in the middle of the night. Every single one, from the new batch and the older batch. The afternoon before forty chicks were running all over the backyard, and the next morning none were left. When my son told me, I couldn’t believe it. I kept trying to think of a different reason to account for their disappearance.

It’s quite disconcerting to experience a theft like this.

I have a very, very good guess about who stole them. It’s very likely it was the same lovely children who stole his male goose on Shabbos morning last year. The children who two years ago stole all the tools a professional worksman left next to my gate, then claimed they didn’t have anything when I went to their home to reclaim them – and continued to claim they didn’t have anything as one by one, the tools were revealed in their yard. (Their mother standing right there said nothing but a very weak, “We don’t take other peoples’ things,” clearly not caring at all and not making any apology for the blatant theft of expensive professional tools.)

When something like this happens, you see how much we rely on parents to keep our world safe – when parents turn a blind eye or tacitly encourage these activities, it’s very hard to find recourse.

My boys are pretty certain about who it was, too, but won’t say a word about the evidence they have to support that conviction – they’ve accepted on themselves not to talk about those people. Interestingly, the morning after the chicks were stolen, the boy I suspect came to ask if we had spare pieces for a bike. He’s not a friend, and has never come to our home before. There’s no reason for him to ask us for this – and it made me very much wonder if he had entered our backyard (that can’t be seen into by passerby) and seen the bikes waiting to be repaired there. Who knows? I’m impressed with my son’s equanimity and his choice not to dwell on it, despite the significant financial loss and energy investment.

My son began incubating another very large batch of eggs. Two weeks into the three week incubation period, the power went out for fifteen hours. He was concerned the chicks were going to die, and most did – but thirty out of two hundred hatched. Not a great success rate but better than nothing.

In the meantime, one of his hens began sitting on her own eggs. When the first chick hatched, she took a walk with him. While she was off her nest, another hen sat down and co-opted the nest, then hatched the second chick, then walked around proudly with him.

My son wasn’t happy with that – he felt it was unfair for the first mother chick who did all the work for three weeks to have someone steal her nest. Somehow they worked it out between the hens, because a day or two later, the first mother had reclaimed her nest and the second chick. Barnyard drama. 🙂

As soon as the latest chicks were hatched, my son put them underneath the mother sitting on her nest. Chicks do best when raised by mothers and it’s much less intensive than using a heat lamp. By the time he had given her twenty chicks, she was very busy gathering them all under her to keep them warm.

So my son put another hen in with her to help her out, then put the rest of the newly hatched chicks in. So far they’ve lost three who weren’t kept warm enough, but all the rest are doing great.

It’s not just our experience, having especially bad luck raising chicks or animals that things like this happen. It’s the nature of it. There’s often something unexpected that goes wrong. Neighboring children bought ten chicks from my son’s first hatching, and did a fantastic job keeping them alive. Then a couple of days ago they woke up to three dead chicks in their coop, and the other seven were missing. (Their rooster they got from us was stolen the same night that my son’s chicks were stolen.)

They didn’t know what could have happened until they watched the replay on their security cameras. A fox repeatedly throughout the night came in and out of their yard, each time taking a chick with him. I know they planned a trap for the fox the next night, anticipating he would return for the three chicks he killed, but I didn’t yet hear an update.

I felt so badly for the children; I know what’s involved in raising week old chicks. It’s very disheartening to spend so much effort for months, and then have nothing to show for it.

Thinking about foxes and chickens, my son reflected to me a couple of days ago, “You know, Roald Dahl books make the good guys look bad, and make the bad guys looks good. In Fantastic Mr. Fox, the farmer trying to protect his chickens is the bad guy, and the fox is the good one. And in Danny, Champion of the World, the poacher and his son were stealing but they looked like the heroes.” He’s completely right.

I now have a padlock on the goat pen. And my son is sleeping outside to guard his chickens from the fox, in case he decides to make a visit. He likes sleeping outside once the weather gets warm, so he’s just moving out a bit sooner than he otherwise would. 🙂

Avivah

Helping birthing doe deliver kids

Homeschooling

It’s been a busy few weeks with Pesach preparations, tons of guests, and finally things are getting back to normal.

This week has been kidding season. It kicked off on Saturday night with our first time mother delivering twins – we got there in time to see the first had just been delivered, and were able to watch the second being born.

Bambi and Moonbeam, right after birth

The babies were dried off (both males), we got them nursing, and we all went to bed grateful things went so smoothly.

The next day the babies weren’t nursing and the placenta was still not fully detached. As the hours went by, it got more and more stressful worrying about this. I reached out to vets for help, but those we reached didn’t deal with goats. We couldn’t reach anyone knowledgeable about the specific issue we had until the late afternoon, nor could I find anyone who could give me contact information for a vet who deals with goats.

A friend with goats suggested we bottlefeed the colostrum to be sure to get it into the babies, so my son ran out to buy bottles and then milked the doe to feed to her kids. They didn’t get the hang of sucking on the bottle so we had to hold their mouths open and drip the colostrum in. That may sound cute but it really wasn’t fun. Baby goats will die if they don’t get enough colostrum soon enough, and we were both worried that the babies weren’t getting what they needed.

Someone came to show me how to help get the placenta out by pulling up on the goat’s midsection, and a bit more of the placenta came out when she was here. But it was still not coming out. While she was here, two more people came by, one of who knew someone very experienced with goats. She called him and asked him to come by and help us.

I was so grateful when a couple of hours later he arrived. Finally someone with the knowledge and experience to deal with the placenta issue – a fully or partially retained placenta is also something that a goat will die from if not resolved soon enough. By this point it had been nineteen hours since she gave birth and the placenta hanging out was beginning to smell. He was able to remove it, and showed my husband how to give her an antibiotic shot.

He checked the babies and said they looked very healthy and strong, and their tummies were full and that’s why they weren’t nursing more. That was such a relief.

Happily, the kids started nursing regularly soon after that. With the mother doe recovering beautifully from the birth, we had a couple of days to relax and enjoy the kids before the next goat kidded. She delivered when no one was home without any complications, and my son came home to find a healthy singleton all dried off. A big and healthy purebred male.

Two and a half more days went by, and yesterday afternoon my son came inside to let us know the amniotic sac had partially emerged from doe number 3. We all ran out, anticipating seeing the birth within a few minutes. We waited, and waited, and waited. The face and front hooves were visible but then retreated back into the mother.

Even though everyone was very quiet, I thought perhaps our presence was hindering the birth so we all went inside to leave her alone, also taking the other goats and their kids outside the pen to give her space. More time went by, and I wanted to look up how long it should take a goat to give birth once the amniotic sac emerged, since I was concerned it was taking too long (over two hours had passed since we first saw the amniotic sac beginning to show). I also was worried because when she was laying on the ground, another goat tread on the amniotic sac and popped it – would the kid be born dead by the time he was out?

What I read led me to think we had a difficult presentation on our hands, and that was the reason for the extended laboring time. Usually they say goats give birth on their own and you’re not needed, but this wasn’t one of those times. My son called a friend with goats for advice; he was told we would probably have to help pull the kid out. Ds13 and ds15 went out to the pen, and at the first contraction, ds15 began pulling the kid out by his front hooves. Once the head and both front hooves were out, the body should have slid right out, but it didn’t.

Ds13 took the hooves on the right side of the kid, and ds15 held the hooves on the left side of the kid, and with each contraction, they pulled together.

We soon saw the reason for the delayed birth – the head of the second kid was right under the stomach of his twin, instead of being behind him. (Probably the back hooves of the first kid were keeping the head of the second one held in place.)

I told ds15 to push the head back in to allow the first kid to be born, but the force of the contractions was too strong and he couldn’t. Instead, the two boys pulled together as much as they could to get the first kid out from. They later told me they were pulling very hard because it was so difficult. It was a relief to see him breathing and his mother began licking him off right away. The head of the second one came out together with the birth of the second half of the first kid, and within a few minutes the second kid was born (also with assistance). (Male/female twins – there’s only one female out of five kids born.)

Whew. Ds13 got them started nursing, and we’ll keep an eye on them today to make sure they’re nursing on their own.

First time mother Bambi with four day old Moonbeam, curious about a hen

Goats can’t stand up immediately after being born, and it’s fun to watch them develop the ability to walk. They are wobbly and tumble quite a bit. Of the first two kids born, one is more playful and the other is shy – watching the inquisitive kid is so entertaining! Yesterday we were all very entertained and laughing watching him bound up the tarp covered hay, then sliding down – and then doing it again and again when he realized how fun it was.

So far, Starlight wins the award for the cutest and most engaging kid – we’ll see how the newest kids shape up in the next couple of days

Are you wondering what we’re going to do with eight goats? We’re not going to keep them all! The males will all be sold as soon as they can be weaned. We have yet to determine if we’ll keep all the does and the doeling, or just two of them. In a month we’ll assess the milk production and make a decision. The only doe who isn’t in question is Buttercup, the goat who gave birth yesterday.

We’re relieved to have successfully navigated our first kidding season. Now it’s time to enjoy the antics and playfulness of our baby kids!

Avivah

How to teach children to take responsibility

Parenting

I recently went to someone’s home for a quick errand, and the mother invited me in. As I came in and removed my coat, the bead on the end of the drawstring of my top came loose and fell to the floor

The four year old girl grabbed it and refused to give it back. Her mother said nothing. I bent down and showed her how it matched the one on the other side and how it could slide right back on. She refused to give it back. Her mother said nothing.

I said to her, “You can hold it for a few minutes and then give it to me before I leave.” As her mother and I spoke, she began stomping on it. I waited to see what the mother would do. Still no response.

The little girl went over to whisper to her older sibling, and they began laughing. Her brother told us they were laughing because she broke it in half by stepping on it. The mother said nothing.

I really don’t like disciplining other people’s children and generally stand to the side and stay quiet. But clearly this mother wasn’t going to say or do anything.

So I told the little girl with a sad face, “You know, this top I’m wearing is new and I’m sad that now I don’t have the bead for it because it’s broken.” Her laughing face turned a little uncertain. She looked at her mother, and her mother said to her soberly, “She’s right.”

The end. No apology from the mother, obviously no apology from the girl.

This is a kind, caring mother. However, her lack of response demonstrated that she’s a parent who doesn’t know when and how to set a boundary for her child.

Parents who don’t respond to their child’s provocation, don’t show them a way to make restitution, and at the very most will tell the child they shouldn’t have done that (usually when the incident is past and the person is gone) aren’t going to raise children who take responsibility for their mistakes.

I’m going to give examples of different points in this interaction that a parent could have and should have intervened.

The child grabs the bead and doesn’t want to give it back. I don’t want to force her to give it back because that’s not teaching her anything. But I’m also not going to let her keep something that isn’t hers, which would teach her a lesson I don’t want her to learn.

I say, “Isn’t that a pretty bead? It looks so nice, doesn’t it? I’m sure Mrs. Ploni likes it. It will look so nice back on her top!” Child smiles and gives it back. Mrs. Ploni thanks her.

What if the child still doesn’t want to give it back? Some children have a hard time with transitions and need more time and guidance. I say, “You know it’s Mrs. Ploni’s bead and want to give it back, but you really want to hold it a little bit longer. Hmm. Let’s ask Mrs. Ploni if you can hold it carefully for one minute. (Ask and get approval.) Okay, let’s look at my watch – in one minute you’re going to give it back.” (Don’t get involved in an adult conversation and lose track of this. Stay focused on your teaching moment.)

Depending on the child, I will remind them halfway through and maybe ten seconds before the time is up that “In ten seconds, you’re going to give it back.”

“Time’s up! That was so nice of Mrs. Ploni to let you hold her bead. Let’s give it back to her now.” Child gives it back.

What if the child still balks? “Child, I know you really like this bead. When we go home, we can look and see if we have beads you can play with. But this is Mrs. Ploni’s bead and now you need to give it back. Would you like to give it to her yourself, or do you want me to help you give it to her?”

If by this point the child isn’t giving the bead back, I would gently take it from them and say, “I see it’s hard for you to give it back. I’m going to give the bead to Mrs. Ploni because this is hers, and we don’t keep things that aren’t ours.” Child screams and cries. “I know it’s hard for you.”

You may be thinking this is way too much work over a bead. “What’s the big deal? Just let her keep it.” That’s obviously what the mother in the original situation did. The big deal is she is learning to disrespect things that belong to other people. The bigger deal is that small scenarios like this will be repeated with bigger and bigger issues, and a child who isn’t taught to respect parental guidance is going to become more difficult to parent, and unpleasant to be around.

Back to our scenario. I’ve ignored my child keeping the bead, and now she’s stomping on it. I stop my conversation with the other adult immediately and all my focus is on teaching my child in this moment. I’m not smiling now: I’m not angry or hostile but I’m firm and clear in my voice and body language that I mean what I say. “Child, stop right now. That’s Mrs. Ploni’s bead. That’s not how we treat things. Give it back to her right now.” If the child doesn’t give it back, I take it and give it to Mrs. Ploni.

I’m in the middle of an adult conversation and haven’t been fully aware of what she was doing. I’ve ignored my child keeping the bead, stepping on it, breaking it, and now she’s laughing with her brother. Now my son told me that it’s broken and they’re both laughing at how funny that is. I’m finally aware of the situation, but there’s nothing to do about the bead anymore.

The bead may be a lost cause, but my child’s educational process isn’t. I don’t want to raise children who think it’s funny to harm other people and their things. I want to help the child learn to empathize with others and recognize their actions have consequences. “Children! Mrs. Ploni’s bead is broken?! Oh, no…now Mrs. Ploni’s top doesn’t have a bead. If you had a special toy and someone broke a piece off, how would you feel? What if they did that and were laughing about it? That would feel very bad, wouldn’t it?

Would you be sad? Would you be angry? How do you think Mrs. Ploni feels right now? (Wait for response.) What can we do now to show Mrs. Ploni that you’re sorry? (If the child doesn’t have a suggestion, make a suggestion of your own.) You want to tell Mrs. Ploni you’re sorry you broke her bead?”

The situation must end with a sincere apology from me and/or my child. It’s not fair for someone to be left to bear the consequences of your actions with no recognition that they have been negatively impacted.

There is an additional step I favor taking when appropriate. I tell Mrs. Ploni I’m sorry this happened and want to make restitution for my child’s actions. I ask her to give me the other bead so that I can buy a matching set of two similar beads. I then take my child with me to the store to buy the replacements, talking about what we were doing and why. (If the child were older, they would use their own money to pay for this.)

“Oh, come on, Avivah, I don’t believe you would do this!” Yes, I would, and yes, I have. I feel very strongly about teaching children to take responsibility for their actions. If they aren’t taught, how will they learn?

This scenario may seem time consuming, but it actually takes just a few minutes. As your child learns that you mean what you say, and is clear about what expectations are, it gets easier and less time consuming.

Avivah

More about fostering and being generous

Foster Care, Parenting, Self-Growth

In my last post, I shared an update about the foster care placement we were approached about. I mentioned it here when I did because after a month of being involved in this situation, the placement seemed highly likely and I wanted to share about the process we were going through. It was a question of ‘when’ more than ‘if’.

Today the social worker called to update me that they’re in a situation they’ve never been in before: they’re unable so late in the school year to find any school within an hour’s travel time from our home able to accept him, even with legal pressure brought to bear on the schools. (After telling me he can’t travel, they went back to looking at schools further away.) While it seems obvious that the easiest and best thing would be to leave him in school where he is, which is less than an hour away, there’s a funding issue that precludes that possibility.

Since they can’t find a school until the coming school year, they’ve cancelled the home visit that was supposed to take place a couple of days from now. Instead, they are going back to court to overturn the injunction that the child needed to be removed from this foster home, and request he be allowed to stay there. If that fails, they are talking about beginning a country-wide search to find a different foster home (close enough to a suitable school, presumably), since their search in the northern part of the country only found us.

To my mind, this is all upside down and doesn’t put the child and what is good for him at the center at all. It doesn’t seem efficient, logical, economical or prudent. But my opinions have no bearing on anything.

What this means is that now, the placement with our family is being placed very far on the back burner and as far as I’m concerned, it’s off the table. While I continue to be in touch with our social worker discussing potential solutions, there’s too much that can change between now and September for me to assume it will happen.

My take on this is, if something is supposed to happen, Hashem will make it happen. And if it’s not meant to happen, it doesn’t matter how much it looks like it should happen – it’s not going to happen.

I learned this lesson very clearly when we were involved with Baby M, when it seemed obvious to everyone involved we were the perfect family for her. Then that didn’t happen. When we got the call about ds6, it seemed highly unlikely it could work out; time and time again, rules were bent and changes to official procedure that had never been made were made to faciliate his joining our family.

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There were some very nice comments to my last post about me being a very generous person, and I want to respond with a bit of perspective.

A few months ago, I commented to my kids that I’m not a generous person. My children didn’t agree with me, and thought I was being overly critical of myself. What I meant, and explained to them, is that there are areas that I’m more easily able to give, and there are ways that are difficult for me. I’m very generous in some ways. And in others I’m not.

Some people can have people in and out of their houses all the time. I can’t. Some people have no expectations of guests, and willingly host regardless of if they like the person. I won’t. Some people don’t care if people show appreciation for what they do. I do. Some people generously share all of their possessions and time with others. I don’t. I could go on an on with examples.

I have a soft spot for children whose homes aren’t nurturing places. Part of the motivation for my work as a parenting educator comes from that. It hasn’t found expression in mentoring troubled teens or starting a halfway house, but mostly by trying to make my home a positive place where I hope our children feel loved, and helping others to do the same.

When I was asked about this foster placement, I was quick to say no.
My two youngest sons are moving out of the very intensive stage of supervision that I’ve been at for a very long time. After almost thirty years of being there for my children around the clock, I’m now able to enjoy some quiet, kid-free time in the mornings, time I can use as I want. That’s very precious to me.

The idea of adding another child who needs constant supervision really didn’t appeal to me. I didn’t have readiness to give up that long awaited quiet and space in my life. I certainly had no interest in becoming more involved with social services.

Having made it clear I wasn’t interested, I began to think about it without any outside expectation or pressure. I thought very much about what would be necessary to parent this child, what it would require of me physically and emotionally.

Here’s a very important detail that I haven’t shared. I mentioned he has a sibling for whom a possible placement was found in Yavneel and that’s how we were originally contacted, as a potential home in the same area. The sibling is actually a twin. It deeply, deeply pained me to think of two siblings who had so much taken away from them, now being separated from one another.

Though the social worker didn’t ask us to consider taking them both – they don’t expect to find any family willing to do that – the question I asked myself was if we could bring them both into our home. Though you might think that would have been so overwhelming that it would make it even less likely a possibility, somehow the sense of mission it created in me was significant enough for me to be willing to give up my long awaited quiet.

When I looked at what would be involved, I could see that our lives had prepared my husband and I for this. That’s not to say it wouldn’t be very challenging. We were both very realistic about this. But we felt it was something that we were being called to do. So the placement that we have actually been discussing has been for both of the children, though I’ve referred in my writing here to only the child we were initially asked about.

There are lots of other things we could have been asked to do that wouldn’t have felt like a fit for our strengths, and we wouldn’t have been willing to extend ourselves to do it. As I said, there are ways I’m able to give and ways I’m not.

That’s the back story about what motivates me and activated my generosity in this situation.

Avivah