All posts by Avivah

Stopped overthinking and got a new car, finally!

Homemaking

Over two years ago, we bought a seven seater car, which has been very well used. It was a much older car than anything we bought in the past, since here in Israel, seven seaters are much more expensive than five seaters, and I was staying within a very tight purchasing budget.

I have never had the experience of constant repairs until owning this car. We have literally replaced every single part in the last two years, and every time we do, I’m sure that’s the last thing that will need to be replaced. Then a month (or less) goes by, and there’s something else!

The more money we put into it, the more it seemed we should keep it. After all, it’s all new under the hood! (If we had spent the sum up front that we spent on repairs to buy a car, we could have had a very nice car in excellent condition to start with! Not fun to think about but it’s been a good lesson.) When I bought that car, I was grateful to find a car that had so many things we were looking for, even though it was clear to me when I bought it that it wasn’t a vibrational fit for me. It was very functional but it felt like a step down to buy it.

After a particularly big repair a few months ago, I told my husband this car is trying to work its way out of our lives because it isn’t a match for us vibrationally. I’m positive that someone else who would be excited to have it could own it for years and would hardly need any repairs, but the car is doing its part to help us move towards something better for us.

I’ve been clear for over a year what our next vehicle would be when we were ready: a very good condition seven seater with four wheel drive. Seven seats so we can fit everyone at home if we go on a family trip, and four wheel drive since I live in an area with back roads where that would be useful. Cars like these are quite expensive – and not gas efficient at all.

When I finally began looking for a car a few months ago, I had a dilemma. I expected we would see a rise in gas prices, and couldn’t see spending more for the vehicle purchase, more for insurance – and then more to continually fuel up. Since the vast majority of our driving is just one of us, sometimes with one or two kids along for an errand, it was too much car for our true needs.

I had a really hard time letting go of the idea of a seven seater, though. (A seven seater is about twice the cost of a comparable five seater in terms of age and mileage, so the cost is a significant part of the decision.) Even when I let go of a seven seater, I couldn’t let go of the idea of four wheel drive. Those cars are also in a more expensive category (to buy/insure/fuel), and though it’s nice to bounce along a back road, it’s something we rarely do.

Finally I let go of that, too.

I’m the researcher and car buyer of the family, and when I asked my husband for his feedback as to what to buy, he replied, just buy a car in good condition that’s not old.

But what about this feature, and that feature? He really didn’t care. I did, though, and finally decided on a car that had the features and ‘look’ that I preferred. The challenge was that the cars that met my parameters weren’t being sold by private sellers locally, and my husband wasn’t available to go together with me to see these cars.

He travels to Tel Aviv once a week for work, so I found a car in that area, planning to drive in to work together with him. The intention was I’d drive the old car home, and after work he’d come home with the new car. I set up a meeting with the seller, agreed on the time we’d check in to confirm with each other first thing in the morning and made travel plans for the next day. Then my husband, wanting to save me the significant driving time, suggested he take the train to work, then take a bus from work to the seller and look at it himself. I was happy to save four hours of my time, and agreed.

However, there was some miscommunication between us about when he was supposed to contact the seller to confirm the meeting time. The meeting didn’t happen, and though they talked about meeting in the evening, that didn’t happen either. When he came home that night at 10 pm (obviously without the car I had assumed he would buy), I was frustrated that all the time and effort I had spent – researching and narrowing it down to this brand and then finally this car- had shown no concrete results. Though my husband said we could go there together the following day on his day off, I absolutely did not want both of us to drive two hours in each direction to go look at it. He has so little free time, and the point had been to go look at it when it wasn’t out of his way.

At 10:30 that night I spontaneously decided to look for a completely different car that had not been on my mental radar at all. I narrowed it down to the best three choices within an hour from us, then narrowed it down to the best car of the three – a seller twenty minutes away.

I called first thing in the morning, and an hour later was looking at the car with my husband (who had a day off since it was Yom Hazikaron (Memorial Day). We test drove the car, I made an offer, then a counteroffer. When the seller accepted, I nodded and left my husband to take care of the transfer details. It was fast and easy.

It was also a bit anti-climactic. It’s not the look I preferred, it doesn’t have the extra features I wanted (both of which are minor details and can be added) – but I honed in on what is most important for us and it has it all. It’s a car in excellent condition with lower mileage, is a brand known for reliability, gets good fuel mileage, has a generous sized trunk – and we got a good price on it.

My primary initial feeling was relief. I’m not a person who does well with indecision; I like to make a decision, take action and move on to the next thing on my list. To keep thinking and thinking and overthinking one topic was sucking up so much of my mental energy. This has been a big thing on my to-do list for a long time and it’s really nice to have it taken care of.

Now that I’ve let go of all those things I thought I wanted, I’m feeling the freedom of having a smaller car with a smaller fuel intake, and appreciating driving something that runs quietly and smoothly!

Avivah

Oil prices zooming up, and where to find palm oil?

Intentional Spending

Due to health concerns, I choose not to use vegetable oils such as canola, sunflower or soy. Though generally cheap and widely available, I stick with coconut oil (for cooking and baking) and olive oil (for salads).

There’s one oil that I’m only able to get Passover time, and that’s palm oil. I look for it as soon as the stores switch over to Passover foods, and until a couple of years ago, would get about twenty bottles when they were at half price for 5 shekels each. It’s a shelf stable option and very convenient to have on hand to supplement my coconut oil use.

Last year I didn’t see any on sale, so I got my twenty bottles for the full price, ten shekels. This year I was disappointed not to see any palm oil for sale, not for a reduced price and not for a full price. None at all. Not only that, I hardly saw any oils being sold. I had noticed before Purim that the oils were scantily stocked, but thought it might be due to stores wanting to use up stock before switching to Passover foods.

Fortunately, my husband found two bottles of walnut oil for Pesach. That wasn’t enough for us for the amount of people we were cooking for! So I sent my husband back to the store to get some more walnut oil for the last couple of days of Pesach.

He called and told me he found ten bottles of palm oil, and did I want it? ‘Yes, all of them, please!’ But they’re 18 shekels each, you want me to spend 180 shekels on oil right now? Understandably, it didn’t seem like a priority to buy seemingly overpriced oil in quantity. With no hesitation, I told him, absolutely! I was so glad to get some.

I usually buy a carton of coconut oil (bulk size) twice a year. About six months ago, I realized prices were about to climb significantly for that specific product, so I bought more than usual. I also bought some for a couple of others who I told about the expected price increase.

This week I looked at the website of the bulk baking store I bought it from, to see if they carried palm oil. While I was browsing, I saw that the hydrogenated coconut oil (I buy unhydrogenated but didn’t see it in stock, the price is usually similar) is now 526 shekels for a carton. I paid 202 shekels for the same size carton a year ago, and 235 shekels at the end of the summer.

You know what oil is now 323 shekels for a sixteen kilo carton? Canola. Seriously. One of the cheapest and most nutritionally worthless oils is now more than I paid six months ago for the most expensive oil.

For us, good quality fats are an important part of our diet, and I consider it a priority to have some on hand. Believe me, I’m really glad that I bought a second carton in the summer; I just finished the carton I bought then and am now at the point that I would be needing to buy more. Coconut oil is shelf stable for a long time and I saved over 300 shekels on that one carton. I don’t know if I’ll continue to buy coconut oil if I have to pay so much for it; I’m going to be looking for a less expensive option.

On Sukkos (five months ago) my daughter-in-law told me she wanted to buy coconut oil in bulk but the price was up to 350 shekels; that looks like a screaming bargain right now. The question is, does a shopper buy some extra at this price, which seems exorbitant now but may be a bargain in another six months? I don’t expect the price of coconut oil to go down anytime soon; realistically probably not for a couple of years. But this price is a bit rich for my budget.

Oils are currently being rationed in the UK and other parts of Europe; they’ve been out of stock for weeks in Germany. The managing director of Iceland supermarkets confirmed they are rationing oil to a bottle a person, and explained, “If you look at commodity prices, sunflower oil has gone up 1,000 percent in terms of the commodity cost in the market, palm oil (up) 400 percent, and then there is things like wheat, 50 percent, fertilizer 350 percent”.

What’s causing these prices to shoot up? In short, supply chain issues and the Russia-Ukraine conflict is the latest factor. Does what happens in the UK or Europe have anything to do with those of us in the US or Israel? Based on these price increases, it certainly seems so.

As I’ve said before, one of my primary grocery budgetary strategies is to stock up on what I need when the items are on sale. Today I’ll be going to a meeting with ds9’s teacher; his school isn’t far from an Osher Ad supermarket. I’m planning to stop in and see if I can find some good deals, and though I know the chances are slim, hoping to find palm oil! (Please let me know in the comments if you know where to buy palm oil in normal kitchen sized quantities.)

Avivah

Thank you all so much for your feedback!

Uncategorized

Though I’ve written responses to all who commented here and privately, I feel I need to tell you how much I appreciate every single one of you taking the time to share your feedback.

It means a lot to me.

Sometimes I’ve wondered if I’m writing into a void, if the time for a blog has long since passed as video channels have become a more popular means of transmitting information, if what I’m writing is helpful, relevant, or of interest. Your responses were reassuring and encouraging for me to continue writing.

Thank you all so much; I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Avivah

Ds12 putting on tefillin

Parenting

Guess who put on tefillin for the first time today?!

After my husband and the boys came home from shul, my husband and I took a walk, and I said, “Remember when we had the bigs, the middles and the littles?” (Our nickname for the groupings of our first nine children – we had three children born in three years (the bigs), then a 2.5 year break, then three children born in 3.5 years (the middles), then a 3.75 year break, then three children born in three years (the littles.)

My long term readers will remember me referencing our children as such.

Well, this is the youngest of the littles. He’s been growing up for a long time :), but now officially that era has ended.

He was the second child born after I started this blog, the only one to have a picture of him posted right after he was born – the first picture of a family member on this blog. He’s grown up to be an amazing, mature, kind, social, connecting person with tremendous natural empathy and understanding of others.

—————————————

We had a lovely Pesach with almost all of our married children here for the seder – the only exception was our newest couple, who instead spent the last days of the holiday with us. We are extremely blessed that although we have a lot of people here together at once, they all get along well and it’s harmonious and comfortable.

It’s a lot of work hosting, but it brings me such joy. Watching our three granddaughters (between the ages of 3 – 3 3/4) play together, along with my five year old, is so wonderful. Hopefully the four grandsons (born within a year) will also have that friend-relationship with their cousins.

When we talked about moving here, one big concern was that it would create more distance between us and our married children and grandchildren. My husband said that they would come less frequently but when they did, it would be a different kind of experience for them to visit us. He was so right.

It makes a huge difference having a larger home and a comfortable space to host when family comes. It means a lot to me when my oldest son told me that his wife is the one who initiates their visits, who really enjoys her stays here, that they chose to come for Pesach even though officially this was her parents turn to have them for the seder. My second daughter told me that they never could have stayed with us for a week and a half if we were still in RBS. Our space, though adequate for short visits, wouldn’t have been comfortable for an extended visit.

Now, they can feel like they’re on vacation when they come, since it’s a more country like atmosphere than where they live.

When our grandchildren run through the grass and jump on the trampoline together, when they see the newly hatched chicks and hold a rabbit, when they splash around in the pool together, when the babies swing in the bucket swing that I bought several years ago picturing them using it….I feel so content.

Sometimes I marvel to my husband at how miraculous it seems, how G-d has blessed us with so many special people in our lives, and he agrees and then reminds me how much effort we invested into creating this outcome.

When almost everyone went back home to Jerusalem (we still have two teen boys home from yeshiva break for just two more days), there was a slight bit of wistfulness. I do love having all my chicks in the nest.

It’s nice to know that we’ll have everyone back here in another month for the bar mitzva. I’m hoping to get an updated family photo. The last one was taken three years ago at my sixteen year old’s bar mitzva, and there are five new family members since that picture was taken. I thought we’d get an updated photo at the wedding eight months ago, but due to logistics, we have no family picture that includes our newest daughter-in-law. The photographer said he would photoshop her in, but when the albums came, she was still missing from the picture. The photographer did a beautiful job on all the pictures, and it’s really for the best. The colors and background color of the wedding photos wouldn’t have been a good match for our living room, and two babies were born since then so it’s all good.

Having my oldest daughter living close by is so nice, and then there’s the added bonus that for the bar mitzva she’ll be able to host one couple or family at her house. Last week new bunkbeds arrived for one boys’ room, to make it possible for all the boys at home to double up and free up a bedroom if necessary, thereby making room for another couple. Even though it’s doable, it’s more comfortable to share the hosting with my daughter and son-in-law.

Someone asked me about what our plans for the bar mitzva are. When I told her: a kiddush on Shabbos morning, meals for the family all together for Shabbos, and then on Saturday night a party at our home for men and boys, she told me how fortunate we are to be able to keep things simple. It’s true. I’m appreciative of living in a place where there isn’t a high material standard to be pressured by.

Avivah

Has my tone been fearful in recent posts?

Self-Growth

Some time ago, a long time reader sent a private message to me and commented that she felt that my posts have recently have a tone of fear that she didn’t see in the past.

I was bothered by this comment, very bothered. I especially value the feedback of those reading here for a long time and take it seriously, and have taken a long break from blogging while I contemplated the various aspects of this comment, the possible intentions, my intentions, etc.

Blogging is a challenging thing. A blogger chooses to open up and share about his thoughts, his life, his interpretations of events….and obviously it’s not possible for everyone reading to accurately sense the emotion that is behind the writing. And even if they could, everyone isn’t going to agree with all that they read.

That’s fine. As nice as it is to get positive feedback and to know that I’m writing in a way that resonates with others, it’s unrealistic to expect that others will always like and agree with everything I say.

I’ve mentioned in the past that it’s become emotionally constraining for me to communicate in the technologically censored world we have shifted to in the last two years. So many things can no longer be said, or no longer feel safe to say, that I tend to close up and don’t write about many, many things on my mind.

I was fortunate to encounter the internet in its earlier days, when it was a much more open place than it is now, and in hindsight I can see how unique a time it was. For me, the loss of that space and the freedom to connect with others in a deeply authentic way is something I mourn. Mainstream media has always been censored to some degree, and perhaps it’s to be expected that the censorship has caught up on the internet. Whether I should be bothered by it or not, the reality is it’s a very, very different climate than what existed when I began blogging almost 16 years ago. I can say with absolute certainty that I would never have begun blogging at this time in history.

How to continue to communicate amidst this shift has been an internal struggle; it’s a hard thing for someone who perceives transparency and truth as paramount values, to stay silent about important issues.

When so little is being said in the mainstream media about a topic, I’m aware that I may be seen as creating an issue that doesn’t exist by mentioning it. I’m not a gloom and doomer; I don’t enjoy talking about negative things and that’s not where I want to focus my energies. I prefer to focus on the good things in the world, which is part of my decades long gratitude practice.

However, I also don’t want to practice toxic positivity. There’s a spiritual principle that by putting our attention on something, we can cause it to increase or be drawn to us, and naturally one doesn’t want to draw negativity to one’s self. To many that means not acknowledging when negative things are happening, instead trying to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist.

For me, that doesn’t work. What does work is to acknowledge the situation that is triggering fear, recognizing what aspect makes me fearful, then taking steps so that I don’t feel fearful. The steps can be spiritual or physical, and for me usually are both.

If I write about those topics here, it’s usually after doing this work inside myself. For example, I didn’t write about food shortages until I felt inner calm about it. When I did bring up that topic, it was with the intention to encourage others to take a concrete and positive action and thereby create a buffer for themselves.

Am I creating fear by mentioning a topic of concern? Possibly. Who wants to hear someone say that the world isn’t rainbows and unicorns? Honestly, I shy away from bad news and prefer not to hear it, so I understand anyone else who does the same. However, it was because I felt so concerned over a year ago that I began to look more deeply into economics and other related topics. I choose to look current world events in the eyes because I prefer not to cower under my emotional covers by pretending the bogeyman isn’t there. And talking about the reality that I see doesn’t mean that I’m fearful.

If I’m sharing something that feels alarming to you, please share in the comments what it is and why. I’ll be glad to share how I found my own inner quiet if I also felt those concerns (chances are high that I did!). And if you’d rather not read that topic, that’s also fine.

Although for the most part I don’t feel fearful and actually am quite positive overall, I can see that my efforts to write in a more roundabout way than in the past on potentially sensitive topics could come across as fearful, because it’s not my usual tone. I think what may have come across wasn’t fear of the topic itself, but hesitancy about how to share about it in this climate that is coming through.

Please continue to share your sincere feedback with me. It’s not always comfortable but that’s how we all grow.

Avivah

Odds and ends and Purim menu plan

Homemaking, menu plans

I have some fun things I’ve been doing recently – hosting a soap making workshop, attending a foraging workshop to learn about edible plants growing in the wild, learning rudimentary basket weaving – I wanted to share with you about each of these things but didn’t, and here we are almost at Purim!

Ds9 and ds5 returned to school today after ten weeks at home, just in time for the class Purim parties. I’m glad they went back in time to enjoy some of the Purim activities.

I’ve only dressed up twice in the last thirty years, and even then, it was pretty lowkey – once a blue wig with my regular clothes, once a brocade robe with my regular headgear. This year I decided I want to more actively contribute to the fun Purim environment so I’ll be dressing up a bit more. I whipped up a couple of Mexican-style ponchos for my husband and me – I used a bright yellow chenille bedcover that matches the sombrero I bought – I got the bedcover at a second hand shop, and for a half hour of time and a few shekels, we have something fun to wear.

We’ll be attending a large communal meal tonight at a private home after the megilla reading at shul, and I’ll be contributing rolls and green beans for that. I’m also going to be sending challah rolls for our shalach manos, and making some kind of flatbreads for our Purim seuda, so I’ll be doing a lot of bread baking today!

For the Purim meal tomorrow, we’ll be hosting our married daughter and her family, and another young family. I thought of doing a Mexican theme for mishloach manos and the Purim meal, but then decided to stay with something more simple.

Last year Purim was on Friday and there just wasn’t time to deliver to all the people who I had prepared mishloach manos for. This year I hope to make it to everyone on my list. Because I live in a small community, I feel like I should give everyone or give just one or two people. I think of Purim as an opportunity to reach out and connect with others, some of whom I already have a very nice relationship with, and others I’m less frequently in touch with, to let them know they are thought of and cared about. So I try to make a generous number of mishloach manos.

For the Purim seuda, I wanted to serve something that would be special but different than our typical Shabbos fare. I decided to go with a casual theme of Israeli-ish foods:

  • zaatar flatbreads
  • techina
  • chumus
  • chopped avocado
  • seasoned olives
  • pickles
  • grilled beef skewers
  • cranberry meatballs
  • grilled honey mustard chicken cutlets
  • french fries
  • Israeli salad

Usually for dessert I put out any baked goods we’re given for mishloach manos, so I won’t be preparing anything extra on that front.

What I haven’t yet completely decided on is what to give the teen girls who attended my weekly class for the last year. I’ve recently stopped giving the class and want to send something small to each of them. I’m thinking about some homemade chocolates with a muffin – I have heart shaped chocolate molds and a heart shaped muffin pan, so that could work nicely together. I want something simple and small but nice – it all needs to be done today and I hope that I’ll manage timewise to get all that I want to do, done!

Avivah

Doing all the right things as a parent…so why did my kids turn out like this?

Parenting

I recently had the pleasure of hosting a long-time blog reader in our vacation apartment here in Yavneel, and enjoyed the opportunity to get to know her. She shared that she had resentment towards the parenting approach promoted in a particular forum, since it seemed to offer a tantalizing promise of results that didn’t actualize in her life, despite doing all the right things.

Years ago, someone asked me why anyone should listen to anything I had to say about parenting, since at that time I had written about a child who was going through a rough period.

And one more encounter. Last week I was interviewed by an Israeli charedi writer about homeschooling. One thing she expressed surprise about was that a parent who is homeschooling would still feel frustration, impatience or a need to have personal space.

All of these reflect the simplistic (and false and dangerous!) belief that there is some kind of perfectionism possible in the world of parenting. If you do everything right, the thinking goes, your children will be poster children. (Or if you have poster children, it’s because you’re the perfect parent.) The flip side of that assumption is, if your children are challenging or challenged in some visible way, you did something wrong.

Sorry. Parenting isn’t a perfect equation like that.

I deeply appreciate something I heard Dr. Gordon Neufeld say on one of his video trainings. He said, sometimes people think if you are parenting from a place of understanding and using the principles of healthy attachment, that you’re never going to have any issues. Not so.

What understanding and using these principles does do, he continued, is give you a way to ride out the storm, to not make a bad situation worse, to get to safe harbor.

This is so important to understand and internalize. Your child is going to have his own journey through life, and all of the factors in his life can’t be controlled by you, nor can they be blamed on you.

While there are families that have less than ideal parenting practices who would greatly benefit from being more accepting and compassionate of their children, many, many solid families have faced significant challenges with their children. If you’ve had a smooth and unchallenged parenting path, chances are very high that your children are still relatively young – or that G-d chose to challenge you in a different area of your life.

I’ve been blessed with wonderful children, and people look at our family from the outside and make comments that presume it was easy, that we’ve never faced challenges, that our children always like us and want to be around us. Let me pause while I hold back a strangled snort.

I didn’t write about parenting or do parenting consultations for a year and a half while two teenagers were simultaneously going through a period in which they were convinced I was the worst parent in the world. I won’t describe that period, other than to say it took all my emotional energy to keep thinking good thoughts about them, not to descend into hostility, and not to feel discouraged. I kept holding on to the principles that I write about, trusting that we would get through the storm. And we did.

I don’t believe in simplistic answers, I don’t believe in making false promises, and I certainly don’t believe in advocating perfectionism. While it sounds nice and neat to package parenting into a set of practices and then guarantee results, who can do that in a process as complex as parenting? There are so, so many factors, personalities and abilities, traumas that some children experience, and all of these factors will affect their development.

However, I do deeply believe in the power of love and acceptance of our children, especially at times when that feels hard. I was asked if someone who has children who didn’t stay religious should be teaching about parenting. (Black and white thinking – your kids turned out perfectly, you have the right to teach. They don’t, you don’t.) I told her if the person has a good relationship with her children despite the religious differences, there’s a lot to learn from her.

It’s the people who have had to work for what they have that you can learn the most from, not those for whom it fell into their laps.

My interviewer fell into the trap of making black and white equations – ‘if you do this, then you won’t feel that’ – idealizing and putting a homeschooling parent so far up on a pedestal that she was closer to an angel than a human being. I had to strongly stress repeatedly that a parent is going to sometimes have negative emotions regardless of how and where his child is educated, and we all have to work on that.

We parents put so much pressure on ourselves. Take a step back from the harsh judgments of yourself and other parents. We’re all doing the best we can. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s hard to see your child struggle and I don’t want to minimize how hard that can feel. But what I’m saying is to drop that black and white programming that is still running on your mental computer, thinking that you were the defect in the system, that it happened because you were inadequate and failed. There is no guarantee of results because it’s not possible. We all do the best we can and the results are up to G-d.

Avivah



Thanking teachers from childhood

Self-Growth

A week and a half ago, I was listening to an interview with Rebbetzin Slovie Wolff, daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. For years I’ve been fascinated and inspired by Rebbetzin Jungreis, and I was especially interested in the interview with her daughter, herself a teacher of Torah with a focus on parenting.

In the interview, one thing mentioned was the importance of seeing the beauty and potential in each child. The interviewer commented that it made him think about teachers, and asked if this is something they should be doing since children spend so much time in school. They talked about how challenging this is to do, and Mrs. Wolff suggested that if he had a positive memory of a teacher, that he reach out to his teacher and let him know about it.

I paused the interview right there to think about my school experience. Other than one teacher, I didn’t have negative memories of any of them. They were generally all good, well-intended people.

On the other hand, I had few specific positive memories of any teacher in interactions with me. I didn’t have a personal relationship of depth with any one teacher. (I wonder how many people do!) However, two teachers that I have a warm feeling about came to mind.

Right that moment, I emailed the school office to request contact information for these two teachers. Being that both of them stopped teaching there thirty five years ago, they had to do some research (which I am so appreciative for their willingness to do!) and a few days later, I received contact information for one of them.

I sent an email to this teacher, expressing my appreciation for her. I received a beautiful email in return, letting me know that this is why she’s continued to teach, with the hope of making some small difference in the life of her students.

The second teacher I have gratitude to, wasn’t for anything he ever said to me. It was for one comment he made to my mother at parent teacher conferences, that showed he recognized my ability even though I wasn’t showing it as a student. Hearing that meant so much to me and still does, so many years later. Isn’t it amazing how something so small can be so significant to someone else? I hope that I’ll be able to get his contact information.

I had an an elementary teacher who I’ve thought about contacting a number of times over the years. I think she would get great nachas from knowing how I turned out, as would have my high school principal. He died with my good intentions still inside my head, but she is still alive. I did an online search and was surprised to find her phone number and address very quickly. She must be in her eighties by now, and I’ve been thinking about how to contact her.

I mentioned it to one son, who called when I was in the middle of researching this, and he suggested that I send a family photo from our most recent wedding along with my letter. While think she would appreciate the photo, I don’t want to delay my letter to get around to that. I hope to send the letter in the next week or so, and feel so grateful to still have this opportunity.

Expressing gratitude to those who have done something for us is so important. While I try to thank others in my day to day life, I’ve never reached out to my teachers from the past until now, and I’m so glad that I did.

Avivah

Is preparing for hard times a lack of faith?

Parenting, Self-Growth

I received a thoughtful response to my post yesterday about food shortages and my suggestion to US readers to buy some extra food.

>> The attitude you are approaching is the American prepping attitude. I am familiar with it as I spend a lot of time on online homesteading communities. It is a worldview born in the backwoods of America where this idea of each-man-for-himself independence makes sense (sort of).<<

I have been using the frugal strategies that I have shared for many years, long before there was a term calling ‘prepping’ or ‘preppers’. I don’t identify as such, nor do I identify as a homesteader, though for many years I’ve noticed many homesteaders have similar attitudes to myself in some areas.

>>It is questionable whether it belongs in a tiny urbanized country like Israel and, more specifically, in Jewish communities.<<

I question the assertion that a worldview of being responsible for one’s self rather than relying on others to take care of you is specifically American. I would say that historically this was the norm across all societies when people had the ability to do so. Food was preserved during the autumn (during times of abundance) to put away for the winter (a time of scarcity). Often people tried to put food up for two years, knowing that a crop could fail and they would be left without food if they only prepared for one.

This is the same thinking as having a savings account. When you have a good income, you put some aside, knowing that at a later time there could be extra expenses that come along, sickness, or job loss. It’s about being prudent with your resources at times of plenty, knowing that life shifts and unexpected things happen. Do people in urbanized areas not believe in financial investments or savings, do they not buy car or life insurance?

>>In the Jewish community, we are all one. It’s not every man for himself. If my fellow Jew is suffering, I am suffering. I am not interested in grabbing for myself or making sure that me and mine are OK, while my neighbors and wider society go up in flames.<<

It’s not only in the Jewish community that we are all one. All of humanity is one. What is good for one can’t be at the expense of what is good for others. This is inherent to my worldview.

There are three levels of functioning: dependence, independence, and interdependence, with interdependence being the highest level. A person can’t developmentally skip from one level to another. We all start off life dependent, and as we grow, hopefully become more responsible for ourselves. From that position of being independent, we can move into family and community relationships of interdependence.

I find the assumption that those who are being responsible for themselves are being selfish or lacking in faith to be a false and unfair construct. Yes, there are people who are selfish in this world. How that develops is the topic for another post. But generally, when we have more, when we feel internally abundant, we are more willing to share with others. We don’t teach a toddler to share by insisting he share before he feels a sense of ownership of an item. He has to be given the space to own it, to feel the fullness of having it, and from that place will naturally want to share with others.

As parents and as members of society, we give from a place of overflow. We don’t serve anyone by continuing to give when we are depleted. A mother who doesn’t take time for herself will become burnt out and resentful. A community member who has hardly any resources for himself will be preoccupied with meeting his own needs, and not only unable to help others, but the communal resources available will be directed to him.

To suggest someone do without because it’s not fair that others don’t have as much as him, isn’t helping others. We benefit as a society when as many people as possible become abundant (externally and internally), and use their personal resources wisely. To expect others to replenish us when we have the possibility of helping ourselves is choosing to be dependent. You help no one by teetering on the edge of barely taking care of your personal needs.

(Sometimes we can’t be independent; self-reliance in all areas is an impossibility. When we need it, it’s important to be willing to ask for the help we need and graciously accept it when offered. That’s where interdependence comes in.)

Back to the importance of being in a place of overflow. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket and due to a policy issue, an older couple’s check wasn’t accepted. I was at the customer service desk when this was happened, and because I had enough money in my account, was able to offer to pay for their groceries. Without the personal reserve, I could have given them a warm and sympathetic smile but the generosity in my heart wouldn’t have physical expression.

My fourteen year old son just asked me about joining a first aid course. I asked why, and he said he’s not interested in working on an ambulance, but he does want to have the ability to help others if someone gets hurt when he’s there. I didn’t tell him, no, that would be selfish for you to learn something that everyone else doesn’t know. I am delighted for him to have knowledge that can be shared with others at a time of need.

I want to be generous, and so do many others. I’ve read of so many people who are planting much bigger gardens than they need – so they can share; of stocking up on food – so they can share; people making plans to look out for more vulnerable neighbors who won’t have enough – because they care. Not because they are trying to grab all the available resources for themselves before anyone else does.

There are different ways to give, and different ways to be generous. Not just with your physical resources, but with your skills and knowledge. I have awareness of some things that are happening that many others don’t. I wrote my post from a place in my heart of giving, wanting to share what I know with the intention to help as many others as I can. For me, it would be selfish to stay silent when I can say something that could help others.

If people take steps to buffer themselves bit by bit, they will be much less anxious and afraid when encountering escalating food prices or empty shelves. Everyone who is independent is then in a position to be interdependent with others, and strengthens society.

>>If Hashem has social and economic upheaval in store for us,  I accept HIs plan and remind myself it is good. He has put us through tough times before and we have stood strong through our faith and through helping others and remembering always that He is One and we, His Children, are one.<<

I completely agree. And I also believe that we if we see a storm coming, we can go to the hardware store and buy sheets of plywood to cover our glass windows so they don’t break when the hurricane hits. We don’t stand outside unprotected saying, G-d will help me. We take whatever action we can, knowing that in the end, it is G-d who will protect us.

So this comes down to a personal question of where is the line for hishtadlus/personal effort, and faith. That line is different for every person, and the higher your level of faith is, the less preparation you need to do. A person needs to be very honest about what their spiritual level is; many people give lip service to faith when they just don’t want to be bothered to take any steps to help themselves.

Looking ahead and taking steps to mitigate a problematic issue isn’t having a lack of faith. Eizehu chacham? Haroeh es hanolad. (Who is the wise man? He who anticipates what is to come.)

I’ll go so far as to suggest that the person who chooses to take no action to shield his family from challenges, saying instead ‘It will work out,’ and leaves it to the efforts of others to make sure his needs are met, is the one who is being selfish. Community leaders work selflessly to find solutions for those struggling in their communities. I’ve occasionally behind the scenes seen the weight of the burdens these people are carrying. With so many people who have no way to create any buffer needing assistance, why voluntarily add to the communal burden?

>>When you read stories of those hard times and their luminous heroes, they are always the people who gave selflessly to others, not the ones who saved their own necks.<<

Survival and selflessness aren’t mutually exclusive. I just finished a biography of a Jewish family who believed the warnings that most others found impossible to believe in 1940s Hungary. They took action by obtaining false identity papers that enabled them to hide as Aryans, and survived when many others didn’t. When the war ended, they immediately became known as people that others turned to for assistance.

Our heroes show us much to admire and strive for. But who said everyone has to be a hero? We don’t have to be heroes, and we don’t have to feel guilty or inadequate that our goals aren’t those of heroic individuals.

>>If tough times are ahead, let’s “prep” by strengthening our emunah and our middos of chessed and ahavas yisroel. Rather than stockpiling more than ever, let’s GIVE away more than ever, showing Hashem that we know that only He can protect us. <<

There’s so much more to say on this topic; it’s something I’ve thought about quite a lot. I’m the first to admit that I have a long way to go in my spiritual evolution. But I think we can agree that strengthening one’s faith and connection to G-d is the most important action anyone can take, at any time.

Avivah

Starting to see food shortages in US, what to do now

Intentional Spending

I wrote the following on November 8, 2021, but finally decided not to post it because I felt it was too soon to talk about this. Instead, I chose to share information about how to budget for food, buy in bulk, find pantry space and repurpose leftovers, knowing this would be helpful information to anyone wanting to stretch their food budget for whatever reason.


>>You can’t imagine how many times I’ve written and rewritten this post, deleting and deleting and rewriting again! My dilemma is I don’t want to cause anyone anxiety or alarm, but at the same time, I want your family to have what it needs.

I’ve deleted all my commentary and explanation about the reasons this will happen, and I’m going to get right into it.

Food prices are anticipated to rise sharply in coming months. There is a lot of talk behind the scenes about food shortages.

Most of you live in countries where this seems preposterous, but some of you are beginning to see shortages. There is a complex web of factors leading to this situation worldwide and as fascinating a topic as this is, I’m not going to talk about why and how this is happening. I’m going to focus on what to do about it.

First of all, now is the time to be as conservative as possible in your spending. Please think about what foods you use, and buy a bit more of them each time you shop. Don’t panic, don’t go into hoarding mode, don’t get afraid.<<

Today I’m going to talk more directly about this issue. Thankfully, here in Israel our prices are remaining steady and I’m not seeing unusual shortages. That’s not to say that caution isn’t in order, because worldwide inflation and supply chain forces will eventually affect us all.

For my US readers: please take this seriously! US groceries have shot up significantly and will continue to rise. Many, many areas are seeing serious supply issues, with significant sections of the supermarkets empty. They are being explained as being caused by a shortage of workers due to the O variant, and some areas having winter storms and people panic buying as a result. That is definitely a factor but if you think that’s all that is happening, you’re going to be lulled by a false sense that this is a short term issue that will be resolved in a week or two. It’s not.

Some news outlets are beginning to talk about this being a long term issue. Finally!!

I’ve looked at lots of pictures and descriptions of what is in short supply or missing. It varies from store to store, obviously, but here are the things that are pretty consistent:

  • dairy products
  • eggs
  • meat and chicken, sliced sandwich meat
  • frozen processed foods, ready to eat meals
  • bottled juice, some sodas
  • fresh produce
  • bread
  • pastas
  • pet food (specifically for cats and dogs)

If something isn’t on this list, it doesn’t mean some places aren’t experiencing shortages of that. But this list seems to be accurate for the majority of places. It seems red states were the first affected, but the blue states are also being affected now. The bigger cities and wealthier areas are the last to be affected.

People in the affected areas are getting increasingly alarmed to see the combination of price increases and empty shelves when they go to their stores. In American there has always been an abundance of food at low prices, and people assume it will always be like that, so this is understandably disorienting for shoppers.

What if you’re in an area that doesn’t have any gaps at all (and there are still many places like that)? Should you ignore this and think that this doesn’t apply to you?

NO!!!!

You’re the best positioned right now to heed this warning. What is happening in other states will affect you eventually. You are so fortunate to be able to buy some food insurance for yourself, to easily stock your pantry before there are any shortages. A relaxed guideline at this point is to get at least a month’s worth of staples.

To make the empty shelves less noticeable, supermarkets are reorganizing their spaces, taking out shelving and moving it around, fronting the empty shelves with one or two of the items (nothing behind them), filling empty spaces with foods that there is a lot of. For example, one baking aisle pictured had many shelves of white sugar. I’m seeing some people reporting that the expiration dates on canned goods is much shorter than usual. And now there are beginning to be limits on how many of each item you can buy.

What I don’t see in short supply yet are the things that make up the bulk of my meals. Good, old fashioned staples. Ingredients that you need to know how to cook to turn into a meal. 🙂 It’s not a coincidence that these are the last things to be sold! For many people, cooking doesn’t go much beyond heating up ready-made food, and they have no idea what to do with these ingredients.

If you’ve ever read pioneer stories, their big shopping trips would be something like: a barrel of flour, a barrel of beans, a sack of cornmeal, some molasses and a little salt. They’d supplement with their gardens and hunting, and those would be their groceries for months.

Well, that’s not a bad way to think with what’s going on. Personally, I wouldn’t tell anyone to buy extra frozen pizzas or pop tarts, though if you want to get additional meat/chicken and frozen vegetables, it’s a good idea. Think about the most basic foods, ingredients that can be bought inexpensively, stored in a small amount of space, and have a long shelf life. White rice, legumes, flour, sugar, canned goods, peanut butter.

Fortunately, these are also the foods that are most frugal! Many, many people shop for just the week, or even just a couple of days at a time. That’s not a prudent approach right now. I’m suggesting that when you do your shopping, you get additional staple foods.

When you’re doing your shopping, please be kind to the staff. They are the brunt of the frustrations for many shoppers, which besides being wrong, is unfair since they bear absolutely no responsibility for this situation. People are so stressed and this is adding to the ramped up anxiety, so bring your own positive, calm energy with you, so you can spread some good vibes.

One more suggestion – buying local is always a good thing! If you can buy directly from a farmer, that’s a great option. (When I was in the US, I made a trip to Pennsylvania every month or two, and bought my milk and eggs directly from the farmer.) You can get good prices and directly support those who are producing foods you enjoy.

As always, if you have a question, or comment about what you’re seeing in your area, please share in the comment section!

Avivah