All posts by Avivah

Blog status update and loving the outdoor life

Uncategorized

It was a blog reader from South America who first contacted me to let me know my site had become inaccessible last week. From there, it quickly became apparent that my site was being blocked worldwide due to the content of my previous post.

The thought of losing thousands of posts written over the last fifteen years was very painful. And yet when my husband commented, “You’re taking this very well,” he was right. For many months I have repeatedly asked myself if I was demonstrating a lack of integrity by keeping silent on an issue that was so opposed to my value system (widespread media censorship and government coercion). There was a relief in finally saying my truth, and when I paid the price by having my site shut down – and it looked as if I might not be able to get it back – having acted in integrity with my values was a real comfort. Having said that, I’m so relieved to have been able to retrieve it.

Last night I left my computer open and while I was sleeping my 22 year old son read my blog for the first time (with the exception of my oldest daughter, my kids don’t read my blog). He spent hours reading through through years of posts, and first thing this morning told me how deeply touching it was to read about so many of our family experiences. This blog is a part of our family history and it would have been a huge loss to have not been able to retrieve it. (We intend to hire someone to back it up so even if I’m blocked again, I’ll still have my content.)

To the person who reported my post (and it seems clear to everyone I spoke to about this that my post wouldn’t have triggered censorship if it hadn’t been tagged specifically), while I’m saddened at what happened, I understand that what I wrote felt threatening to you, and I send you much compassion along with my blessing for you to feel safe in the world. It’s unfortunate when people think that by turning in others for ‘violations’ or simply differences of opinion that they are making the world a better place.

Additionally, I’m grateful to you. You gave me the opportunity to face something that I was afraid of and to see that I don’t have to be afraid and stay in the shadows, and as a result I feel calmer and more secure. I believe that everything that happens is for our best and in this case, you’ve helped me in a way that active supporters couldn’t.

I’m glad to be back and now on to other things.

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A week ago the spring break for yeshivos began and my home suddenly filled with lots of male energy! It’s just me, my hubs and my seven boys. I love it!

It’s been a year since moving to Yavneel, and it’s been so great living in a place with a strong outdoor culture.

We had so many hesitations about making this move, particularly regarding our children. When we bought our home in September 2019, we had no idea that covid would happen or that we would move here on the first day of the most intense lockdown that Israel has experienced. Now hardly two days go by without my husband or me saying aloud how amazing it is that we moved when we did, and our children often tell me how happy they are here.

It’s not that we moved to a perfect place where everything is just as we want it, but we are living in a way that feels more aligned with the life we want. More quiet, more space, more outdoor time. Much more outdoor time. When the weather is pleasant, we spend most of the day outside!

View from my front yard

I really appreciate the quieter, slower pace of life, and the increased access to nature. To have experienced such a huge quality of life upgrade at a time of so much worldwide external stress was an incredible gift. Being here has been incredibly beneficial for us maintaining a positive and centered core at a time of challenge. We recently had some young men for a Shabbos meal, and one said he’s been hosted by many families over recent months and we’re the only ones who aren’t stressed about all that is going on.

There’s something centering and calming about being surrounded by the sights of nature. A friend who moved here a little after we did commented that she thinks everyone would benefit from the healing that happens when living in a place like this.

I also deeply appreciate the opportunities living here has created for our boys. Friends of my fifteen year old wanted to plan a group trip last week and he told them he’s not interested in joining: “I live in a vacation spot and I do hikes and trips whenever I want.” This, from a boy who prior to moving here always wanted to get out and be with friends.

There’s the daily outdoor time, lots of biking and hiking and just being. As I’m sitting here writing this on Thursday night, my 11, 13 and 15 year olds just asked me if they could take a nighttime hike to a local spring. I agreed, after cautioning them to wear their headlamps since one Friday night ds15 went with a friend – they obviously had no lights since it was Shabbos – and were chased by a pack of hyenas. So I’d like to avoid that kind of adrenaline rush this time. 🙂

Ds15 and ds13, triumphant after removing the tusks from the carcass of a wild boar that they found when hiking. Making memories with brotherly bonding.

The older boys (13, 15, 18, 22) did a long bike trip to the Jordan River during the last vacation, and this week ds13 and ds15 went with friends on a strenuous hike around the Sea of Galilee. They hiked 40 kilometers the first day, carrying all their water for the day with them. Later that evening my husband drove 45 minutes to meet them with a water refill and more food – they got really hungry with all that exercise! – and camped out with them for the night. They cut the trip from the intended three days to two since the fatigue was pretty intense, but it was still a good trip.


After working on getting my agreement for quite some time, my thirteen year old just purchased a bunch of two week old chicks and finished building a large coop for them. (He no longer has quail.) He really wanted me to agree to a cow so we could have our own milk and then negotiated down to sheep (he was hoping a neighbor with a large plot of land would agree to lease to us), but I’m not ready for the investment of fencing and animal housing on someone else’s property.

He also initiated learning with a local shochet, and is almost finished learning shechita. He’s considering doing an advanced course that is quite expensive that would qualify him to do nikur (removing the gid hanashe/ sciatic nerve), something that no one locally is trained in and pays well, even for someone his age. We’re continuing to discuss that. I’m not sure how I feel about him working in the field at this point, as competent and responsible as he is. Ds11, ds13 and ds15 have all had several opportunities to participate in skinning and kashering poultry and goat meat; there’s been a lot of hands-on learning.

Ds15 and ds13 both have been learning safrus; ds15 wasn’t able to complete the course since he went back to school (he’s had eight weeks of in-person classes this year), but ds13 is getting close to the end. He’s learned that it’s not something he enjoys very much (no surprise to me) but I value learning of all sorts and this has been a great opportunity. (That’s not an outdoor activity so it doesn’t really belong here but it’s part of the learning they’re doing since moving.)

Locally there’s a strong agricultural leaning so they see others raising animals and have had hands on experience with the animals of others, and it’s understandable why they want to have some, too! Ds11 really wants a milk goat but I put my foot down on that despite repeated importuning, and he got two rabbits instead. I keep reminding them we just don’t have space! I suggested he choose something small that has some practical benefit (the used bedding goes on the garden beds); though he takes good care of them, I can see that it’s not very satisfying for him.

To make a very good thing much better, six weeks ago my oldest daughter moved here with her family! I never dared hope that one of our children would choose to live close by. Having so much more time to spend with them has been wonderful! Covid has blessed me; if not for the changes in lifestyle that regulations have created, they would still be living in the previously very desirable Jerusalem neighborhood they were in. They moved from a city apartment with no balcony or outdoor space to a house with a garden, and now she finds that most of their time is spent outside, too.

Ds11 and ds13, helping their niece bottle-feed a two day old lamb

Notice that there’s been no mention of Pesach preparations, but I did do some shopping this week. They’ve had lots of trip time this week; next week we’re going to all work together intensely and do a Pesach cleaning marathon!

Avivah

We’re from the government and we’re here to help!

Self-Growth

Edited to add: As some readers noticed, three days after posting this, my site was disabled due to exactly the kind of censorship that I referenced as a concern. For the first time in almost fifteen years, my ‘content’ was deemed problematic on my own paid site and access to it was blocked, even to me. For several days it wasn’t clear if it would be possible to get my website back. You can imagine that it was a relief when I was able to get it restored!

How I’ve missed sharing with you these last weeks! As a departure from my usual range of topics over almost fifteen years of blogging, I’m sharing some personal reflections on current events.

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I watch current events unfold and histories of the past are my guide to what is happening and what we can expect to happen. Privately I predicted almost everything that has happened in the last year (though I anticipated it would be ebola that would suddenly be the big scare and create a push for worldwide adult vaccination, which was the published goal for 2020 of the World Health Organization).

I’m not a psychic, just someone who watches the pattern of the news and carefully reads between the lines of the mainstream news. You can see what the next step will be if you read carefully. Most articles sound more like they are written by a public relations firm pushing an agenda than objective and balanced reporting, but this is the news I read and this is where you can best see what is really unfolding, because these articles are intended to prime you for what to expect. They haven’t failed me yet.

I watch democracy in Israel eroding, as the media continually churns fear and uncertainty, with the only possible solution given being an injection that on the FDA website is described as unapproved (see the bottom of page one in the fact sheet). It was surely just a mistake, or a translation error, that caused every medical organization and news outlet in Israel to claim that it was FDA approved. And surely just an oversight that the widely translated fact sheet that is supposed to accompany the injections wasn’t translated into Hebrew. Oops.

But what difference does that make, because obviously no one has had any negative side effects and the dangers of covid are so much higher than anything else. Frightening, indeed, how the yearly death rate has remained stable before and during covid. A raging pandemic that we should thank our lucky stars to have survived. What? A survival rate of almost 100 percent for the average person? Nonsense! Where do you get your statistics?!? You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’re a murderer.

The Green Passport has been rolled out, and when introduced we were told it would be an advantage for those who take it, but not a punishment for those who don’t. After all, that would be a violation of human rights and we wouldn’t do that. Well, the next steps to ‘open the economy’ were introduced Sunday, and allow only those with proof of the injection or proof of antibodies to participate in normative life. I hope those with natural antibodies will be allowed their status for a long time to come. Sometimes I wonder where the line is between staying positive and being delusional.

Fortunately, no one is being forced to participate in Israel’s noble country-wide experimentation that is selflessly being undertaken for the sake of humanity worldwide. There is absolutely no motive at all other than the good of the people. After all, that’s what governments always worry about – the good of the people. And because they are so worried about your well-being, they have released your personal injection status to the local government authorities, so you can be inspired to comply by your local officials. I think that warrants the elimination of medical confidentiality.

And if you feel like you’d like to wait and see what the long term results will be, since there are no long term studies of safety, or if you have the ridiculous and naive idea that you can boost your personal immunity by taking zinc/vitamin d/vitamin c/hydroxicloriquine/quercetin/ivermectin, know that there is no proof that any of those things ever helped anyone. The doctors who had impressive results with their hundreds of patients are frauds – they are manipulating you so that they can sell you vitamins! All they care about is money. Unlike the makers of the injections, for whom the financial gains are completely irrelevant.

We are so blessed to have no government coercion whatsoever. Oh, you may find it hard to live when you can’t attend school/ training programs, work/stores/social events/public places or even your own child’s wedding in a hall. But that’s really your choice. You can still buy food and medicine, and honestly, what else matters? Lockdowns that have limited the movement and lifestyle of millions of people for extended periods have shown there is no danger of any sort of imposing that continued lifestyle on anyone who won’t comply with government directives. While all legal/medical/ethical issues are ignored and steamrolled, the government simply continues passing more guidelines – all to keep us safe.

Ah, to breathe freely and happily (well, we don’t really need to breathe that much, fortunately, since we’ve all enthusiastically donned our masks), knowing that the caring politicians only have our best interests at heart! What comfort it brings me, so much so that it’s irrelevant that we are looking more like an totalitarian country than a democracy. We even now have ‘freedom’ ankle bracelets previously used for prisoners on parole that are now tracking the movements of those entering the country. Yes, a progressive and encouraging replacement of the military guard placed around the corona hotels! Freedom, indeed.

But we all know that only whacked-out conspiracy theorists have any doubts or hesitation about any aspects of the decisions that are being made. No, it doesn’t bother us that the government discussions regarding the laws rapidly being passed that have stripped us of our rights and dramatically increased the surveillance of every individual that was previously only used with the most dangerous terrorists, have been done in absolute secrecy, with the transcripts sealed from the Israeli public for thirty years. Surely that must increase your trust in your elected officials. It certainly relieves any concerns I might have had. And surely in thirty years when we see what was said and done and why, none of us will question even in the slightest the integrity and altruistic intentions of those noble politicians. Funny that they don’t trust us with that information right now. I guess they’re worried we might misunderstand what we read.

No, don’t worry about the noose growing tighter around the neck of the Israeli population who has been reluctant to participate in the country-wide medical experiment. I certainly don’t worry about it. And I feel no sadness for those who will never again be allowed to travel out of the country to see their loved ones without complying with the new directives. They deserve it, for being so selfish and spreading disease without compunction. Oh, you say people who aren’t sick can’t spread disease? We’ll take away your social media platforms, break your zoom links to your conferences, disable your videos and recordings for endangering people with your fake news.

It’s been said that the most frightening words in the world are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” For me, this issue isn’t about whether someone gets an injection or not. My concern is whether it’s healthy for the government to be so heavily involved and controlling of the details of the lives of citizens.

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BH, all is well in my world. Truly. After so many months of silencing myself, I’m sharing some of my conflicted feelings regarding living in challenging times. I realize that the majority of the population believes the heavy governmental involvement to be appropriate in the circumstances as they’ve been presented to us.

I send each and every one of you blessings for health, stability, and security in every area of your lives. My constant effort is to remember that that G-d is running the show and my task is to stay connected and spiritually aligned.

Avivah

The critical importance of opportunity for expansion

Gardening, Parenting

As you know, I enjoy gardening and I often notice how the natural principles of growth and development express in the garden just as in parenting.

Part of my evolving garden landscape – so many lessons in this small space!

Recently, I planted a number of flower bulbs, some in the ground, and others layered lasagna style in two pots. In each pot I planted the same bulbs in the same pattern. Once I finished, I placed the two pots three feet from one another, one on each side of our patio bench swing. It became quickly apparent that one was getting more sun than the other, as one grouping of bulbs was sprouting much more quickly. When I noticed this, I placed the lagging bulbs in the sun to help them catch up. I took this picture after it had been catching up in full sun over a week.

Every child is born with potential. Some get the sunlight and water they need in the ideal proportions, and their beautiful growth is visible. Others who may have the same potential don’t have their needs met in the same way, and as a result they appear more limited. However, the limitation wasn’t inherent in who they are, but in what resources were available to them.

Here’s another illustration. These two plants were identical when I purchased them. One was planted right away, the other was transferred to a pot while I decided where its long-term location would be. The one in the ground not only had more light, even more significantly it had room to spread its roots and grew dramatically bigger in a short time.

Right – bush planted in the ground with room to spread its roots; left – bush whose growth was limited by the pot size

Roots need to reach and seek new footholds to become stronger and more established. I’ve noticed that many parents and educators have a lot of fear about giving children room to grow. While hopefully everyone will agree that children need love and warmth, many will argue that it’s dangerous to allow children unsupervised time.

My twenty year old daughter is a dorm counselor in a seminary, and the girls were complaining that they came to Israel for the experience, and instead are spending much of their free time doing the mounds of homework they are assigned. She went to the dorm mother to ask about why the girls are given so much homework. Before she told me the answer, I interrupted and said, “Let me guess! Because if they aren’t kept busy they’ll get into trouble.”

Yep, that’s exactly what my daughter confirmed she was told.

For years I’ve said that kids need to learn to manage their time, and they can only do that by being allowed to have unstructured time. Sometimes that will be filled productively and sometimes the person will be bored. Boredom isn’t dangerous. Boredom is a learning opportunity.

What’s dangerous is not allowing people room for personal expansion. If the potted plant above was left in a pot long term, it would never look much bigger or better than it does right now – let alone become the very big and lush bush it’s genetically intended to be.

Learning to manage one’s own time is a skill that develops over time. You can’t expect anyone to suddenly have lots of time on their hands and to make good use of it, if he hasn’t had opportunities to take responsibility for his time prior to that.

When I plant something in my garden, I don’t know how big it’s going to get or how well it’s going to grow. Sometimes it gets too big for the space I allotted it, and I move it to where it will have more space. Some may later need to be carefully pruned.

But I can’t plant something in the garden and not give it room to put down its roots. That will compromise the inherent potential of the plant. The roots are what provide support for the visible strength and growth of the plant, and strong roots are what support our children for their entire lives.

Avivah

How I created and resolved my biggest issue

Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

For months I’ve felt increasingly pressured about having my eight year old home. In November I finally shared some of that here, and a month later I posted about finding a school for him.

I turned to the local municipality to arrange transportation for him, and feeling the intense need for him to be at school, was initially very frustrated at their laissez faire approach to getting this done. It’s been over two months and no progress has been made, so he is still home.

Now here is the very interesting thing. About two weeks after we found a school for him, I suddenly noticed that it didn’t feel hard to have him at home anymore. Not only that, but I’ve been really enjoying him!

This initially mystified me. I had been working on my mindset with regards to this issue; I wrote lists of things I appreciated about him, I did meditation and visualizations to keep my focus on all the wonderful things about him – and suddenly, with no conscious effort, I appreciate him being at home!

So what changed?? I did a lot of thinking about this, to figure out how and why this shift happened, and I think my experience will be helpful for others.

When I posted in November, I shared about one issue that was challenging for me. But there were others that I told myself I needed to deal with, but felt overwhelmed and alone to deal with them all.

Here’s an incomplete list of some of the things I told myself I should be doing:

  • Digestive issues – These began when we moved here and began letting him have gluten on Shabbos. Even after we removed the gluten again, the issues remained. What to do? a) Figure out how to heal his digestive system while dealing with ongoing digestive issues. b) Do daily or at least weekly laser therapy sessions. What do you mean, you don’t have energy to do this? Okay, it’s true there’s a lot of laundry and cleanup that the issues entail throughout the day, but what kind of mother can’t get herself to do something this important for her child? You need to solve the problem at the root.
  • Speech – Yirmi’s speech content is really good, his articulation is not so good. What do do? a) put him on Gemiini daily for online speech therapy (which means customizing videos to match what he needs); b) set up speech therapy in our new location, entailing lots of paperwork and logistics, then weekly travel to a city nearby. Oh, that feels overwhelming? You feel maxxed out and can’t do it? So now your child has to suffer because you feel tired. You know that the window for doing this is closing and he’s going to suffer for the rest of his life because you didn’t invest in helping him speak clearly when he was young.
  • Reading – He loves to be read to but I haven’t taught him to read in either language. Yes, he knows the alphabet in Hebrew and English but he could be reading in both languages if he had a mother who was more competent.
  • Hearing aids – after many months of a process that was protracted and expensive, we got hearing aids for him. But he pulls them out as soon as I turn my back. Since we have an issue of him leaving the home without telling us, I knew within an hour they would be lost somewhere outside, never to be found again. Solution: sit down with him daily first thing in the morning, keeping him entertained so he wouldn’t pull them out. Why is it so hard to spend two hours nonstop keeping him distracted? Just do it first thing in the day. Make it a priority. Then he’ll get used to them and you can increase the time gradually. You know how important hearing is to speech; of course he isn’t speaking clearly if he can’t hear clearly.
  • Thyroid issues – He gained a lot of weight after we moved here. Figure out why, get his thyroid tested again. Find an alternative doctor who understands the thyroid. Change his diet.
  • And of course, the eloping issue. Watch him every single minute of the day because he needs to be safe.

So now you’ve gotten a peek into my mind, some of the thoughts that were running through my head within a few minutes of waking up and continued throughout the day. Sometimes I just didn’t want to get up and face the day. It felt so hard and heavy, and no matter how much I would do, I had a constant knowing that there was so much that was important for him that needed to be done and I wasn’t doing it.

I would tell myself that I was doing what I could and it had to be enough, I would try to reduce the urgency. But thinking about all of this (and more) was always very close.

I thought it was dealing with the daily issues that was the pressure, that was hard (and it would have looked like it from the outside, too). But I was wrong.

It was my thoughts about how inadequate I was that was draining me and made everything feel overwhelming.

Why did those thoughts suddenly stop being an issue? Firstly, the feedback from the school staff. All I saw was what I wasn’t doing. But they didn’t see all that. They don’t expect parents to do the things that I expect of myself, and they were very understanding about why he isn’t wearing hearing aids, for example. No shaming at all. It was obvious to them that it was a very challenging issue, without me having to explain with more than two sentences.

Not only weren’t they shaming me, they were impressed with Yirmi’s focus, thinking skills, desire to learn, and intelligence. They told me more than once how it was obvious I had invested so much in both boys (since ds4 was there for the interview, too).

A friend who has an older child with T21 told me, ‘No one does what you do for your kids, no one I know expects of their child what you expect of yours.’ I’ve always shrugged off comments like this, because I’m sure people think that I do more than I do. It was really helpful to look at myself through someone else’s eyes and say, maybe they’re right. That replaced the voice saying ‘everyone can see you’re failing’. Not doing enough wasn’t wasn’t reality (though there remain many things that it would be nice if I did); it was my own made up story.

The second thing that changed was I stopped feeling pressured to take care of these issues, knowing that very soon I’d have people to work together with on them, or even a staff that would completely address them (eg speech therapy, supervision wearing the hearing aids). The weight of having to be everything, to know everything, to do everything was so, so heavy. It was a weight that I couldn’t lift and didn’t want to lift. But when I didn’t do it all, there was all that intense guilt and inadequacy.

Three – I dramatically cut my Facebook time around the end of November, and then deleted my account in the middle of January. And now I’m not seeing messages in my T21 groups from all those amazing mothers who are doing the things I’m not doing.

Without the negative messages replaying on a loop constantly, it’s not hard having Yirmi home anymore. In fact, I’m deeply enjoying him, knowing he is completely okay just as he is right now, that I don’t have to do any more than I am, and he doesn’t have to do any more than he is. And that feels amazing. (And I’m sure it feels good to him, too.)

It’s fortunate that I feel no urgency about sending him to school, since the pace the municipality is working – or not working – I don’t know when transportation to his school will be provided. Instead of feeling like I just can’t cope another day, I must have some help…it’s dramatically shifted for me and is all really okay.

It’s in the mind that most of our problems are created and solved.

Avivah

Being productive during the lockdown – replacing interior doors

Homemaking, Homeschooling, Parenting

So here we are, in the middle of yet another lockdown in Israel but this time no end date has been established.

As soon as the lockdown was announced, I told my husband I really wanted to make some progress on my project list while we’re all home for this extended period (right now ‘we’ means ds14, ds13, ds11, ds8, ds4). The top two items on my list are to replace several damaged interior doors, and to replace the upstairs kitchen. (Our house was a two family home that we converted to one; hence, two kitchens.) Our intention is to convert the second floor apartment into a vacation rental since we don’t use that space other than when the older kids are home (usually a couple of days a month).

This was the worst of the damaged doors – it didn’t look like this when we bought the house, but it did by the time we got the keys. 🙁

I considered paying someone to put in new doors, but at 900 shekels for a basic door and wanting to replace ten doors, it was getting expensive quickly! And I’ve found that paying a lot of money to people who are supposedly experts doesn’t necessarily result in getting the quality work that I want. (I’ve had some extremely expensive and frustrating experiences with workmen since moving here.) Avoiding more workmen was pretty motivating for me, just as much as the financial savings.

Rather than replace all the doors, I decided to just replace the three that are damaged, and then to paint all the interior doors on the second floor white (since the new doors were a different wood shade from the old ones, and anyway I preferred for the doors to be white). The total for the paint, some assorted supplies and the doors was under 600 shekels.

Replacing doors isn’t something we’ve ever done before, but all of the renovations we’ve done have at some point been something that we’ve never done before. Most new projects intimidate me when I first think of them. I start off thinking of hiring someone, then I go online and watch how to videos. When I get a sense of what the work involved entails, I share my conviction that this is something we can do with my family. My announcements about my latest DIY ideas aren’t always (um, ever, to be honest) greeted with shrieks of delight, but I appreciate the willingness they’ve shown to work together in spite of their preference to spend their time doing something else.

Replacing doors here isn’t so simple since unlike in the US, there isn’t one standardized interior door size. Therefore it took me a while to find the matching size doors that were hinged in the direction I wanted, that were the quality that I wanted at a price that was reasonable. But I found them! As of last night all of doors have been hung and we’re really pleased with them. Now we need to finish installing the molding around the door frames, then put on another coat of paint. No one likes painting so I agreed that would be my job. 🙂 I hope to finish the doors by the end of this week.

If you’re wondering when I can do that kind of work, it’s a good question and one that I wasn’t finding an answer to for a long time. Sometimes I’ve felt frustrated about the things I want to do but don’t, because long involved projects with messy components/power tools don’t mesh well with children who need more than minimal supervision.

Last week, I decided to paint while my husband put the younger boys to bed. Though that meant starting after 8:30 pm and usually I’m really wiped out by then, I had an afternoon nap, and it was so gratifying to be able to do something concrete and make progress on something I wanted to get done, rather than delegate and do the oversight. (I’m actually a pretty good contractor.) I had a couple of quiet hours to work by myself and it was really relaxing.

I think with a couple more nights of work this week , I should be able to have them all finished up soon!

Avivah

Why I’m leaving Facebook

Self-Growth

About six weeks ago, I took Facebook off my phone, inspired by a documentary I didn’t yet watch – The Social Dilemma – and a couple of others that I did watch when I was searching for the first. I looked at my online usage and asked myself how much value it was adding to my life.

Very little.

In fact, I can definitively point to when I joined Facebook several years ago as the time that I ‘lost my voice’. I’ve always been a strong proponent of standing up for your beliefs and being willing to say what needs to be said, with your name attached.

And then I joined Facebook, with the intention of increase the outreach of my blog and my services as a parenting consultant.

Almost immediately I felt different. Everyone was sharing their opinions, almost always in a very short and superficial way. And there was so much criticism and harshness and judgment. Despite years of blogging publicly, my desire to communicate online shrank dramatically.

Whenever I had a technical issue that limited my computer usage, I noticed within a day or two that I felt significantly more relaxed and present. And each time the issue would be resolved, I felt almost disappointed to go back to my regular online use. I’ve shared about that experience here.

Back to six weeks ago. I use my laptop very irregularly these days, and knew that when I had time on the laptop, it would be very limited and it would be much easier to moderate the time spent on Facebook than on my phone. So it was off my phone and that translated to very minimal social media usage.

It has been so good. I periodically jump on, check in on my gardening group, say congratulations to a person or two, and get off. It’s great.

I’ve watched Facebook becoming increasingly regulatory of the content allowed. My own personal development path has led me to work very, very much on releasing control and shifting to building relationship and trusting the good intention of others. I strongly disagree with attempting to control others on every level: as a parent, in marriage, in communities, and on a national and international political level. The social media attempts to control conversations is inherently disrespectful and dysfunctional.

Image by Hermann Traub from Pixabay

Additionally, I’ve read a lot of history, particularly about Soviet Russia and World War II/ Nazi Germany. Censorship of this sort hasn’t been part of the good side of history (to put it mildly) and is deeply concerning.

When I made the decision to dramatically shift away from Facebook (and again now when making the decision to completely jump ship) it initially felt intimidating to step away from because when you’re online, it feels like a part of your real world.

But you know what?

It’s really not. Your online world is very much not real life, and when you get away from it a bit, that becomes so clear.

There are undoubtedly some helpful aspects – several of my groups have been a wonderful source of information. But it’s been very freeing to be so independent of the views and emotions of others, not to see the latest news or the attacks on our fellow humans…the world feels so much more hopeful and beautiful.

Each of us has the same twenty four hours in a day. How do you want to spend them? What makes your life feel meaningful and productive? What makes you feel most content inside yourself?

I want to live consciously and that means choosing what comes into my life consciously. I want to live in alignment with my beliefs, not to short-sell myself for the paltry conveniences offered in exchange for my time and life energy. So I’m choosing to delete my social media accounts – since Facebook has purchased WhatsApp, I’ll be closing my account on both platforms.

Of course, I’ll still be here!

Avivah

Resolving my inner conflict about special ed and inclusion

Parenting, Trisomy 21

In recent months, it seems my only opportunity to write is when I’m up in the middle of the night which thankfully doesn’t happen often, so I’m taking advantage of a pounding headache to catch up here with you!

After I shared about some difficulties in having my eight year old out of his school framework for the last nine months, someone asked me if I considered sending him to school. The answer is yes, I have considered it. I don’t see homeschooling as ideal for him at this point, because so much of my energies are used in management rather than actually doing the things I’d like to be doing with the boys.

However, I’ve felt stuck when considering the school options available locally, and also stuck because my two youngest boys with T21 are doing so well at home. Ironic that them doing so well is part of the challenge that makes it hard to send them to school, isn’t it? If they weren’t doing well, anything would be better, but I’d like to build on their success.

I’m going to try to consolidate years of thinking about this topic into one post and will undoubtably end up sounding simplistic. I have SO much to say about every aspect of this but I’m going to just stick to the briefest of bullet points.

It’s important for a person with a disability to be included as much as possible in normative life – we all learn from interacting with others, how to interact with others. My expectations for my children with T21 are the same as for all my kids, and I want them to be in an environment that would best prepare them for life. To me, that has meant pursuing an inclusive school environment rather than special ed.

However…they have needs that are different that need to be understood and honored in order for inclusion to be meaningful. If there isn’t an understanding or desire for inclusion to happen, then it’s effectiveness will be limited. This is the huge challenge in the world of inclusion.

I don’t believe that competitive environments serve children well, generally speaking. What is most important is a safe and supportive learning environment, where a child’s natural pace and internal desire is honored and appreciated. As a result when faced with a choice of various school options, I’ve generally chosen the less demanding educational framework for all of my children. (That’s a surprise for many who have asked me why my kids are such strong motivated learners!) Motivation comes from the inside and can’t be externally demanded, and a person must feel inner ‘rest’ (to use a Neufeldian term) before he will naturally seek more challenge.

So what does this mean regarding inclusion? The child with a disability in an inclusionary school setting is being expected to participate in a normative setting socially and academically. Ideally, this can be very stimulating and healthy.

It can also be a tremendous pressure. Pressure for the child, to constantly feel different and inadequate, to be working his hardest to barely keep up. To feel like his best is hardly cutting it. And I continually ask myself, is this the environment that will be most supportive of him emotionally, that will allow him to feel he is enough as he is, that he doesn’t have to prove himself? Can his many strengths be appreciated, or even noticed in that environment? Will his successes and hard work be recognized, or will he constantly be expected to do more and work harder?

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Let’s look at something entirely different: people making aliyah.

I’ve just recently moved from the most popular destination for people making aliyah – RBSA. Why is it so popular? Because English speakers can feel comfortable with lots of others who speak their language and understand their cultural mentality. Why does that matter? After all, if you’re an capable adult, then learn the language, get familiar with a different culture and integrate. That’s the ideal, right?

Right. And also, not right. Because we seek the comfort of being known and understood by those who ‘get’ us. Most of us don’t want to live in a state of unremitting challenge.

Recently a neighbor invited me to a small gathering of women; four of us were English speakers and one was an Israeli who understood English. At one point, the Israeli expressed her frustration that even though she understood what we were saying, she wasn’t getting the nuances and understanding the jokes. It was a lot of work and tiring for her to try to follow all that was going on, and she felt out of place despite our welcoming her completely.

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Back to inclusion. I want my children – all of them – to have meaningful relationships with others. To have people who get them, who speak their language. I want them to be appreciated, as they are right now. Sometimes we stretch them with stimulating opportunities, but I don’t want them to live in a constantly stretched state.

So my belief in inclusion, the reality of inclusion (at least where I live), and my deep conviction as to how children best develop have been somewhat in conflict.

Yirmi really needs interaction with people outside of our family and neighborhood, and the local school options weren’t a good fit. Several weeks ago, I went to visit a special ed school that is an hour away. I had heard very good things about it, but you can imagine that after years of being pro-inclusion that it was quite a mental adjustment for me to consider this. And I really didn’t want to send him so far away (though for perspective, he spent forty minutes on his bus to the school that was just a fourteen minute drive from our home).

The school was wonderful. Surprisingly, it was a better fit for what I was looking for than anything I considered in the center of the country, where there are supposedly so many options. (A friend in the north told me it’s a state of the art school that is considered one of the best.)

The facilities are amazing; the staff members were so warm and genuine in their interactions with Yirmi. We had a tour of the facilities, and at each room we went into (computer room, ceramic studio, gym, commercial kitchen, vegetable garden, petting zoo), Yirmi was the first one introduced to each teacher and Yirmi was the first one every staff member addressed. Their respect for and understanding of how to speak to a child with T21 (no talking down or overly simplifying) came through with every interaction.

I love the special three wheeled bikes they provide so older kids can ride independently even before they transition to two wheelers; the area where they ride bikes has been built as a model of a street corner, with a traffic light, traffic circle, bus stop and crosswalks, so that children are practicing road safety every time they are biking. I also appreciate that they have a Snoezelen sensory room, animal therapy, music therapy and hydrotherapy (in addition to the typical therapy options).

Yirmi was so happy to be there. It was very emotional for me to see how filled up he was by doing the assessment, visiting the different areas and interacting with the staff. I know that it’s been really hard for him to be so socially limited since we moved and his excitement was palpable.

They couldn’t tell me if they had room for him before meeting him, since there are multiple classes and placement is based on ability. They were impressed with both Yirmi and Rafael (who came along with us, naturally), and the principal said a couple of times it’s obvious how much we’ve invested in them, that they both have ‘high abilities’ (I prefer this terminology to ‘high functioning’).

Yirmi was able to visit the class he would be in, and was introduced to the other six other boys between the ages of seven and eight; at a quick glance it looks like five have T21. They teach reading using the McGuinness method, which I think is wonderful, and I’m glad he’ll be continuing to progress academically.

When he was asked if he wanted to go to school there, he enthusiastically said he did, and Rafael emphatically pointed to himself and insisted, “Me, me!” He also wants to go! (The group for his age is full, though, and as soon as Yirmi is settled, I’m going to find something close to home for him – his registration from September for a local preschool fell through the bureaucratic cracks when his file was lost, and it’s unclear if they still have room for him in the preschool that I originally signed him up for.)

Students can attend until the age of 21, and I appreciated seeing the older students as I passed them in the corridors. They didn’t present as the limited special ed ‘outcome’ that I had been concerned about. It was the opposite, actually.

So what does this mean for us? We completed enrollment and Yirmi was set to begin three weeks ago, but the local municipality has yet to arrange transportation for him to get there. That could have been done very quickly (since there are students from our area who already travel there) but hopefully at some point next week it will be in place.

Going back to school has been long overdue, and Yirmi is going to love it! I’m so relieved and grateful to have found a really good option that will provide a warm and stimulating learning environment for him.

Avivah

Why remote learning is hard and how to make it easier

Parenting

When my fourteen year old son went to high school at the beginning of the year, it was a great fit for him. He really loved it.

For five days.

Then a student had a positive corona test and all the boys were sent home. Zoom classes replaced in-person classes for the next week and a half. Then he returned for one more week of school before the break before the fall holidays. And that was it.

Since then, it’s been zoom, zoom, zoom.

Sitting in his room for hours every day across from a screen, alone. I didn’t like it at all. At one point I instructed him to sit at a table outside, facing the orchard next to our house. He said that it was much better – I knew being outdoors with fresh air, sunshine and the sight of nature would be a much better learning environment – but the internet connection wasn’t reliable and back to his room he went.

But he was learning and continued to feel motivated and connected to his teachers.

Then the school reopened for local ninth graders, but the dorm remained closed. So my son and three others who are too far for a daily commute were left alone on Zoom. As non-ideal as it is when the teacher is teaching directly on the screen to all the students, it becomes much less ideal when he is teaching in person to most of the students and just a few are left on the screen, ignored in the proverbial corner.

My son has amazed me with his consistent ability to show up on zoom classes with a good attitude, day after day. But when the announcement was made about the regular classes resuming (though not for him) he got discouraged and upset. How, he asked me, is he supposed to ask a question or have any personal interaction with his teacher in this situation? Hope that his teacher remembers to look at the screen to see if he has a question once an hour?

After hearing this news, the next day he didn’t attend online classes – he had lost his incentive to participate.

That day was followed by Shabbos, which allowed him to decompress. He took a long run with a friend on Saturday night to a local spring to burn off the frustration he was feeling – he was still wound up pretty tight – and came back feeling much calmer and more accepting of the situation. Not happy about it, but able to deal with it. And he went back to his online classes.

Fortunately, the school asked for parental feedback and enough of us voted for a capsule that they finally opened the ninth grade dorm yesterday. (A capsule means, they keep the kids isolated as a group for an extended period; they each have to have a negative corona test to be allowed in, no entrances or exits are allowed once the capsule ‘closes’; no connection with other students not in the same capsule.) I was so happy to take my son to school yesterday. And he is SO happy to be back!

I believe globally we’re going to be paying the emotional and developmental price for this online learning ‘solution’ for years to come. Kids aren’t meant to learn like this.

>> BH my son just became a bar mitzvah. Thank G-d he has matured a lot in the past few years and all the skills I learned from you have been very helpful. Recently with the whole remote learning we see that he is unmotivated and takes very little initiative in completing his work. I wouldn’t say he was ever super motivated but he learned in school and did ok grades wise. Now it’s a disaster. I was hoping you could give me some guidance about how to build in my son an innate desire for learning and motivation to help him be more successful. Thank you! <<

For years, the main question people have asked of me as a homeschooler has been, “What about socialization?” It wasn’t hard for people to picture kids doing well academically in the home environment, but it became clear to me after hearing this question for so many years, that the most important part of school was social.

And now, students have had the most important component of school taken away, and parents are left focusing on the academics as if it’s an independent issue from the learning environment.

It’s not.

We really can’t directly create intrinsic motivation and desire for anything. This is an organic process that happens on its own, that is part of an emotional maturing process that comes from within the child. What we can do is create external conditions that support the child’s maturation process.

This consists of a lot of emotional connection, emotional safety and emotional space. Developing interests actually comes in the quiet spaces in our lives, not when we’re scheduled and kept busy from the outside. We have to find the emptiness to want to fill it. We can help our kids make room for an interest to develop by backing off and giving them room to find their interests. (This suggestion generally makes parents very anxious and the process of waiting for the interest to emerge requires a lot of trust in the inherent maturational process; it often looks like they are lazing around and zoning out for a while).

The ideal learning situation is when a student has an interest in the material and a connection with the teacher. In this situation, you’ll see students do super well – they stay engaged, the enjoy learning, they want to be there.

When one of those is missing, learning can still happen.

When both interest and connection are missing, learning will come to a standstill. And then you have the unmotivated student.

When all my son’s ninth grade class was on Zoom, he told me that hardly anyone was paying attention. Honestly, this is predictable – the question we should really ask is why are some students able to learn effectively on Zoom? (The answer is above – a combination of interest and connection with the teacher.)

How can you get a child who feels no connection to the material or teacher to care about it? You can’t.

You really can’t.

This is why people then try to use the carrot/stick approach. To promise incentives, and when that doesn’t work, to use penalties or punishments. That includes the withdrawal of our positive feelings about them.

My suggestion would be to pull back as much as possible regarding your expectations of his participation on Zoom. I know parents feel like they have to make sure their kids are showing up for their online classes, but understand it’s asking something unreasonable and unnatural of our kids to learn in this way. Perhaps you can look at his schedule with him, and ask him to pick the most important classes for him to show up at – like two or three a day.

(Honestly, I don’t think any of us adults would be able to sit through hours of classes on topics that we don’t care about, day after day. If we continued to show up at the screen daily, we would zone out and open another window on our screen, to read or watch videos of things that interest us more.)

Encourage him to find outlets or hobbies for all of that pent up energy. Teenage boys are meant to be moving around a LOT! If he wants to talk about why he doesn’t like online learning, be willing to hear him out without telling him why it’s important for him to do it anyway.

Let him know how awesome you think he is, independent of his school success. Honestly, it matters so little in the course of one’s life how he does in school. What is much, much more important is that he feels loved and appreciated, and has some feeling of success in an area that matters to him.

My thirteen year old was feeling kind of blah – hardly any kids his age around, no extracurricular activities available, politics in the shul that made it an unpleasant environment…Then of his own volition he began learning in the evenings hilchos shechita with a local shochet. He found a different shul to attend where people are warm and welcoming (he gets up for neitz – the sunrise service – and enjoys having breakfast there before coming home). Then he had a couple of extended jobs come his way working for people he likes, and making money. He feels purposeful and positive about his days now.

I don’t see the blah period as a bad thing; it’s actually an inherent part of his life getting better. There has to be awareness of having a space to fill, and a desire to fill it, before someone can make choices that feel better to them.

Avivah

When I don’t want to write about Down syndrome because it’s hard.

Parenting, Trisomy 21

Tonight Yirmi (8) was almost run over by a car.

You know how I said in October that I was going to share thoughts about Down syndrome, and then didn’t?

It’s because it’s so hard sometimes. So, so hard.

I’ve asked myself, what’s the point in writing about the difficulties, in telling you how overwhelmed and discouraged and exhausted I sometimes feel? What is the gain, who benefits? Do I need to write to get it out for myself? So you empathize with me? No. So I don’t write anything.

To add to that, I don’t want to negatively impact the perspective towards people with Down syndrome. Because there are so many societal stereotypes to overcome that are hurdles for the person with Down syndrome. So I don’t write anything.

And yet, what about my reality? To ignore all the challenges and not write about any of it seems dishonest. By not acknowledging the challenges, all my positive posts would be taken on their own without any counterbalance to accurately reflect my daily experience.

Yirmi is an awesome kid. Truly. He’s smart and kind and enjoyable to spend time with. 

And he’s been an ‘eloper’ (I’m choosing the more positive term rather than ‘runner’ or ‘escaper’) since before he turned three.

This is common with kids with T21, and it was my biggest concern (other than government involvement) when I thought about fostering a baby with T21. Because I didn’t know if I could deal with it with another child. (I reassured myself that it wasn’t a sure thing that he would become a runner, and maybe without Yirmi’s tutelage, he wouldn’t have been…..).

Generally this is an issue parents face with very young children for a short time that is pretty easily managed by just keeping the door locked. But when kids get older, they become very capable of unlocking doors, climbing through windows, over gates and fences, out of cars….

I’ve spent over five years, every single day, wherever I am, monitoring Yirmi’s whereabouts. Early in the morning before I’ve even fully woken up and opened my eyes, my ears are already listening to hear if he’s awake and trying to leave the house. 

When he was five, we had double sided coded locks installed on our entry door. Overnight, the stress level of every single person in the house went way down. It wasn’t perfect and there were still many instances to deal with, but it dramatically cut down on the management aspect.

And then we moved here 7.5 months ago, which has been so wonderful in so many ways.  Where there are many more possible ways to get out than one, and with a child who is bright, curious, persistent and determined – all our efforts to keep him in fail. Fences, gates, locks…it takes him just a couple of minutes to figure out a way out.

So it comes down to constant surveillance, and that fails, too. Because it’s actually impossible to not take your eyes off of a child in the course of a day.

Since Yirmi turned eight this summer, I’ve realized that he isn’t generally doing something inherently dangerous, he’s not running away – he’s running toward friendship, connection and stimulation. 

It’s normal for an eight year old to want to get out, to see people, to have experiences. It’s appropriate and understandable. I don’t want to turn my home into a jailed fortress (though believe me, I’ve seriously considered it many, many times). It’s been really important for me to remember that this isn’t a behavior issue but a processing issue.

What that means is the natural desire for independence isn’t tempered with an awareness of danger. Additionally, it’s as if he has no memory of anything we’ve repeatedly talked about on this topic – our constant reminders and discussions about needing to ask us before he goes somewhere – even if it was two minutes before. It literally makes no impact.

So things happen.

Tonight I brought him home from playing at the neighbors, and started to prepare the foods he requested. I turned around…and he was gone, again.

I assumed he went to play with the neighboring children in the area near our garden gate (that’s usually where he is), and a few minutes later, I asked my older son to see where he had gotten to.

Before my son left to get him, someone came to our house asking if I was his mother. She informed me that as he sped down the hill from our home on his ride-on car straight into the traffic of the main street that our street dead ends into, he had almost been hit by a car.

She described how he flew in front of a car whose driver slammed on his brakes, missing him by a hairsbreadth. She and another person who saw what happened both told me that he went between the wheels – presumably she meant he flew between the wheels of the car that stopped and the one right ahead of him – but it was clear that it was a very dramatic, very close miss.

It had been five minutes that he had been out of sight.

I went to retrieve him from the store on the other side of the street where he was waiting, not wanting to look at any of the other customers. I didn’t want to hear any comments about why can’t you watch your child, and don’t you know he almost got killed and where were you???

No one has any suggestions about how to keep track of him that I haven’t already tried. All I hear is, “You need to be more careful.”

How? How can I be more careful than I already am? He’s bright and capable – and his processing ability isn’t like a typical kid. So his impulsivity has nothing to balance it.

I know one day this isn’t going to be an issue. But right now, that feels far away and it takes a lot of emotional energy to get through the day. I try to begin my day with quiet meditative time in which I fill my mind with positive thoughts about Yirmi; this makes a huge difference as the day unfolds. When I don’t do it, by the end of a day I feel like I simply can’t live like this. Not one more day.

This ongoing, years-long challenge has been significant not just for me, but all of our family members living at home. It’s draining for everyone; it’s definitely not all unicorns and rainbows, that’s for sure. There are blessings and challenges with every child, and for me raising a child with Down syndrome has meant more of everything. I feel the blessing more and I feel the challenge more.

Avivah

The Biggest Little Farm – permaculture as a parallel for healthy parenting

Gardening, Parenting

Today I watched a movie that my husband saw on his flight from the US over 18 months ago. He told me then that he thought I’d love it; I finally enjoyed it with the boys today.

The Biggest Little Farm is a beautifully filmed true story of a couple that decides to leave the city, buys dried up farmland and uses biodynamic principles to turn the land into a lush, healthy biosphere where crops and animals live in harmony and support one another in a cycle that becomes increasingly more powerful as time goes on.

Ducks are used to remedy the massive snail infestation, nesting boxes are installed to encourage predatory birds to make their homes in the orchard where gophers are damaging the tree roots and birds are eating the fruits, and animal waste products are a critical part of the process of strengthening the soil. (When the person was enthusing about the waste cycle supporting soil health, one of my boys laughingly said, “Just like you, Mommy!” Yep, me and my appreciation of duck doo. 🙂 )

Afterwards I was musing about how an approach that trusts the effectiveness of natural principles always means keeping your vision on the long term and investing more upfront. No quick fix to get the results you want and sometimes it looks like those using mainstream approaches are getting ahead, but by working together with nature, your efforts end up supported rather than thwarted and your job becomes easier and easier over time.

Exactly like parenting.

It feels harder when your child is throwing a tantrum to listen and guide their emotions, rather than firmly tell them to stop crying. It seems easier to punish a child who isn’t acting the way you want (an example from the film would be to shoot the coyote), but those problems then only temporarily go away. And new problems are created with that approach.

When you build your child up with your belief in them and your belief what they can be (ie trust the natural principles and be willing to give them time to mature, just as true of plants as children) instead of breaking them down with your criticisms and frustrations (film parallel – douse the crops with heavy doses of pesticides), they become stronger and stronger, and need less and less management and feedback the older they become.

This film is a heartening vision of what is possible, and seeing what is possible rather than being told how the world is on self-destruct mode is certainly a much more appealing approach for me. And it’s possible on a very small scale – these are principles that I try to integrate into my gardening.

Another very enjoyable and educational documentary that we watched three weeks ago was Kiss The Ground – I found it free on youtube but when I just now did a quick search to link it for you, I don’t see it there now. It might have been pulled or you might need to search a little longer than thirty seconds. 🙂 It’s worth the watch; if I had to choose between the above two films, I personally preferred Kiss The Ground because it was so much more informative though the cinematography of The Biggest Little Farm was fantastic.

There is also a TED talk (this was the first thing that I watched on the topic, after lots of casual online reading) on the transformative power of regenerative agriculture, the approach detailed in Kiss The Ground, ‘How regenerative farming can help heal the planet and human health’ by Charlie Massy. Understanding carbon sounds like a bore but it’s really interesting and actually has the power to reverse decades of damage to our planet.

Avivah