All posts by Avivah

Yay, summer is here and the kids are home!

Homeschooling, Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

The summer is a busy time of year for our family!

This is a little roundup of what’s going on around here.

A couple of weeks ago one son turned 17, our first married couple celebrated their two year anniversary, a day later my husband and I celebrated our 27th anniversary, two days ago was my oldest granddaughter’s first birthday, yesterday was another son’s seventh birthday, and tomorrow my oldest son will turn 26! I’m so thankful for it all.

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It’s our first official week of vacation and it’s so nice to finally be free of most of the external schedules! I had a mini debate with myself about sending Yirmi (now 7!) to the school sponsored summer camp program – there was a ridiculously small fee and the bus there and back was available for no extra charge. Even though the program would finish at 12:45 daily and it would have been fun, I opted to keep him home for the entire summer.

It’s so nice not to have to get him ready first thing in the morning, sending him off when he’s fresh and getting him back after 4 pm when he’s exhausted and out of sort. He’s a great person to spend time with. And it feels like vacation to me not to have to get going so early in the morning!

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It seemed that I wouldn’t be allowed to take Rafael (2.5) out of his daycare program for the summer. Don’t ask. It has been one big headache and I continually just turn this over to G-d and ask for His help in gracefully navigating the system. However, this week a therapist gave me a heads up that independent of the administration’s threat not to allow him to come back next year, the therapists don’t think this is a  supportive environment for him and suggest finding a different place.

Now that I know he won’t be continuing at this daycare for the coming year, if I can cut down his summer attendance they can’t threaten me with kicking him out of the program.  It’s the silver lining of the whole daycare situation right now.

What I’d really like to do is keep him home for the coming year, and that would unquestionably be the best thing for him. I’m sure we would see dramatic improvements in every area. However, as a foster parent I don’t get to make that choice. The only option I’m left with is an intensive therapeutic program.

There are many lovely things about that program and if I’m forced to send him there I’ll focus on those things, but I have to tell you honestly that my heart is clutching at all of this. I’m being told he’s not progressing fast enough and the answer is more therapy. But he doesn’t need more therapy, what he needs is more attachment.

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Last week I attended a two day beach festival for women in Tiberias on the edge of the Sea of Galilee, and it was wonderful! So relaxing and maybe most important, I had extended quiet to reflect on some things that are important to me and discuss them with others. From there, I spent a lot of time considering how to integrate more of those things into my life.

The more I have the courage to ask myself what I really want my life to look and feel like, the more clarity I have and then I can take actions to move closer to that goal. It’s extremely empowering.

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On my bucket list for the summer are getting hearing aids for Yirmi. It’s taken a year to get to the point that he’s been approved for the hearing aids, and hopefully in the next month we can get all the necessary appointments for this taken care of. He’s done amazingly in his first year of school, and think how much more he’ll gain next year when he can clearly hear what is being said!

Another important item that I want to take care of during the relaxed summer months, is to begin the process of palate expansion. It can be uncomfortable and make speech less clear, so I opted not to do this during the school year. Yirmi works hard enough to keep up and do all that is asked of him without piling on another challenge during the school year!

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In other news, my 18 year old daughter applied to a seminary that seemed to be a perfect fit for her, and wasn’t accepted. When someone contacted the administration to find out why, they said that due to her homeschooling background, they are concerned she won’t be able to get to classes on time and manage the schedule.

That is so completely ludicrous for someone who has been managing her own schedule for a long time (no parents to wake her up and remind her to do homework); she has much more self-discipline than the average high school graduate. It was very frustrating  that they didn’t bring up this concern in the interview and give her a chance to respond. Instead, they made an assumption based on whatever their ideas about homeschooling are. (Clearly not very positive, as they said, “We aren’t like your family who does whatever they want – we act in accordance to rabbinical guidance.” This is an example of when I have to set my ego aside and focus on supporting what my kids need. )

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My seventeen year old son has decided he wants to leave high school early and go directly to a post high school yeshiva, where he will be able to pursue full-time Torah study. I’ve been somewhat on the fence about this, and despite his repeated comments to the effect that I’m not supporting him, I’m actually very open to the possibility. However, I want to know that he will be attending a yeshiva that will be a good match for him, and finding that match is still up in the air.

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Oh, have I told you that I’m going to continue homeschooling ds10 and ds11 for the coming year? I’ve been meaning to do a post on that for many weeks. After feeling very burnt out last summer, I decided this school year was going to be our last year of homeschooling. But as time went on and I regrouped, I found myself remembering what I love about homeschooling and how it continues to benefit them. Prior to that, I could only see all that I wasn’t doing and was focusing on that.

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Some little random odds and ends of summer stuff…

I took three of the boys to an archeological dig, where we uncovered the original mosaic floors from a 1500 year old church – educational and fun. It was a great experience, and I’d love to share pics but they don’t want the public to see the finds yet. (They’ll be officially introduced in the fall.)

We’ve been continuing exploring the closest national park and in addition to new playgrounds. Yesterday we had a great time at a birthday party for my granddaughter in Jerusalem.

The pool is getting lots of use. Even Rafael (2), who refuses to go in, is enjoying it – we hung the bucket swing over the pool so he can swing and and dangle his feet in the water while the older boys are playing – he loves it!

And that’s the update for now!

Avivah

Staying positive when dealing with frustrating bureaucracy and seeing good results happening!

Foster Care, Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

Yesterday I received the wonderful news that Yirmi (6) has been approved for an additional year of gan safa!

A month ago, after returning from a week at the beach with my family I wrote: I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

Now that there has been some resolution of some things that I was dealing with, I’m going to share with you a glimpse of the back story to the above statement.

For months Yirmi’s school placement for next year was been hanging in the air. Although he was accepted to a mainstream first grade for the coming year, neither I nor any of the professionals assessing him thought putting him in traditional first grade at this time was the best option. However, I was told the likelihood he would be approved for another year of gan safa was almost nonexistent (due to his age). 

Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan
Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan

I went back and forth for weeks, trying to determine what the best course of action would be if he wasn’t approved. Should I send him to first grade, should I officially homeschool him, should I refuse to send him to school and unofficially homeschool him, or should I legally fight for his placement? I spent so many hours of wresting with this and wasn’t getting much clarity on what decision to go in!

I finally decided a few weeks ago that if he was denied gan safa, I would unofficially homeschool him and simultaneously legally fight until he got the appropriate placement. I then felt confident that he was going to go to gan safa one way or another!

And now he’s been approved without any drama, without any fighting, and with plenty of time before the coming school year.

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While dealing with the above, I was simultaneously advocating to get Yirmi changed to a different school bus. The escort on the bus regularly yelled at the kids and threatened them. When I complained, my concerns were verified and she was called in and given a warning. I was told to come back if the problem continued.

Of course the issue continued and I pulled Yirmi off the bus, taking him back and forth daily for weeks. When I went back to the municipality to report that the issue was still a problem, the person at that office (who had been on vacation when I initially dealt with this) adamantly told me  there’s no issue, no one else has complained, and clearly I’m the problem – because I don’t know how to communicate and ds6 is too sensitive.

In spite of that that hostile initial response, my concerns were again very quickly verified but no action was taken. I began to feel that something supernatural had to happen because it seemed that looking out for the emotional safety of the children involved wasn’t anyone’s focus but mine.  While I waited to see this official three weeks later, I repeatedly asked G-d to give me the words to open her heart so she would want to help me.

He did. 

I asked her if she had checked into my concerns and she said she had. What had she found out? I asked, knowing the answer. “That you’re right.” After a bit of back and forth with me being very low key and not speaking with even a hint of blame or hostility for their position until that point, she looked me steadily in the eyes without speaking for a full minute. While continuing to look me in the eye, she picked up her phone and called another bus escort to notify her that Yirmi was being shifted to her route, effective immediately. I had been told for months that this was impossible. One 60 second phone call and it was done.

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Then, also at the same time, I was informed that a report was sent to (or from? – no one will tell me who wrote it) social services that I bring Rafael to his daycare between 9:30  – 10 am, and when told he is missing his therapeutic interventions as a result of my tardiness, told them I don’t care. Since this was completely false (he’s always there between 8:30 – 9, in time for breakfast as per their guidelines), I assumed some obvious mistake had been made and it would quickly be corrected. Instead I was told there was no mistake, that everything that was written was true and I’m the problem. (Do you notice a pattern in official responses ?)

Since then they’ve admitted that they wrote incorrect information in the report (no one is saying it directly to me, of course, but they admitted it to my foster care social worker). However,  now that I’m on their radar it seems they want to create an issue, and I was told they will deny Rafael admission to their program next year unless I agree to leave him there for the full day program.

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Background to this discussion: After five months in daycare this year, his development had stalled so obviously that no one could deny it. At that point I began picking him up at 12:30 daily rather than letting him stay until 3:30/4 pm. Within a week he became happier, much more active, involved in activities at daycare, his development restarted and he’s now doing fabulously. Every single professional at the roundtable evaluation meeting in Feb. agreed that it was because of this decision of mine to pick him up early that he was doing so well.

Before I ever registered him for this program in Feb 2018, I asked them when the actual programming took place, and asked if there would be a problem if I picked him up when this programming was finished.  I was clearly told that the program takes place between breakfast and lunch, and as long as he’s there for that stretch of time and we pay the price for the full day, there’s no problem with me picking him up early.

Suddenly I’m being told that it’s a problem that I pick him up early because he is missing the benefits of inclusion. My social worker spoke to her supervisor and told me that they know how well Rafael is doing and understand my concerns, they know that I was told it was fine to pick him up early (they verified with the head of the daycare) but the foster care agency has to insist I comply and send him for the full day next year.

May 2019 at beach, age 2.5
May 2019 at beach, age 2.5

For a couple of days after I received the notice of the report I was very bothered. I was so upset, not that they made a mistake, but that they wouldn’t admit to their mistake. I was sorely tempted to pull him from the program for the coming year but due to foster care guidelines and demands I am left with no other viable options. Finally I took a mental step back and said to myself, I am not giving my power away. This feels real and intimidating but it’s really not. I have a choice how I choose to think about this.

It was good I had a chance to emotionally address this within myself since then I didn’t get upset and frustrated when being told about this new issue. I’m not going to feel stuck and powerless to make good choices for my child, I’m not going to tell myself how threatening and bad this is for Rafael . I’m completely sidestepping this power play.

I’m continuing to believe in the good will of all involved – truly, these are all nice people with good intentions – and trust that it will all work out for Rafael’s highest good next year. 

Avivah

Get out into nature – stop making excuses and just do it!

Homeschooling, Parenting, , ,

Exactly a year ago, we bought a car and one of my intended purposes was to get my kids to these spots that aren’t accessible without private transportation.

There’s no question it made my life easier in a number of ways, but getting into nature?

It only took me a year to do that.

Sometimes I mentally make too big a deal of something and then as a result I procrastinate. Sometimes for a very, very long time!

In this case, I told tell myself I needed a big block of time. I needed the weather to be perfect. I needed to be well-rested, the kids needed to be well-rested. They needed to have finished their reading and math and for the house to be left perfectly clean. And the laundry had to be hung before I went out.

No surprise that all the stars in my sky never lined up, right?

And I didn’t go anywhere.

Finally last week I realized I was making it way too complicated and hard. Getting out with the kids into nature was important to me, so I asked myself what would make it easy to do. I realized that going out first thing in the morning would be the best option for me. Otherwise, my day gets filled up very fast with other things that need doing. The urgent things very quickly crowd out the deeply important things, because the important things don’t claim the limelight.

Earlier in the day is also when I have the most energy; by the time the afternoons roll around I’m tired and just want to do as little as possible!

I told my ten and eleven year olds to quickly grab water bottles and anything else they want to taken if they wanted to come with me on an outing. At 8:30 in the morning we were out of the house (along with my husband, who happened to be home sick – I convinced him he would feel better if he went with us :)).

Fifteen minutes later we were driving up the mountain of a national park. I pulled into the second play area that I saw, and I really didn’t have any agenda of how we would use our time. My only limitation was that we would stay just two hours since it was a very spontaneous outing (I thought of it about 7:15 that morning) and I had other things scheduled that I needed to be back for.

In any case, in the spirit of keeping it simple and easy to do again, having a two hour window was a good thing.

The boys brought their readaloud and interestingly, the first thing they did was ask my husband to read to them. (They’re reading Watership Down by Richard Adams. As we drove past a farm on our way, one son commented, it’s like ‘The King’s Lettuce!’ and we all knew what he meant. I love how reading together gives us common references! )

My husband reading out loud with the boys
My husband reading out loud with the boys

Ds11 is definitely a child who enjoys movement. Can you spot him listening to the book in the picture below?

british park reading 2

Other than the swing that was there, they didn’t use any of the play equipment. It was nice to see that they were equally happy to hike around and to sit together, reading comics and doing brain benders.

(By the way, do you know how wonderful it is to have a child who has struggled with reading say, ‘Reading is fun! Can we get a membership to the library?” And then go the library on his own, get a membership and check out the books that he took with us. I heard his younger brother, who is also a late reader, reading with him and asking him what sounds a couple of the letters make. Learning happens all the time, especially when we aren’t looking or trying to make it happen. Every child on his own timeline.)

british park 4

My husband thanked me for encouraging him to come, and several times commented how much better he was feeling. Of course! Fresh air and sunshine are natural healers – how can you not feel better outside?!?

To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed! Doesn't he look like he's feeling better here?
To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed!

I wonder sometimes if when we get sick, if our bodies are forcing us to slow down since we don’t proactively make opportunities for relaxation?

My husband went off on a mini hike with ds11, who particularly enjoyed the challenge of walking over a fallen, partially suspended log.  While he was off in the woods, I took the opportunity to sit under a tree and read. That was after I had gone off on my own for a while for some time to breathe.

Yes, I know we all breathe all the time but it’s different when I can consciously allow myself to slow down inside and just be in the moment. That’s something that I find very, very centering. Since living in alignment with my values is so important to me on a daily basis, it’s critical to have that quiet space to stay in touch with my inner compass.

british park a

It’s a wonderful feeling when you do something that is deeply resonant with your personal priorities. We all enjoyed every minute, and I am very much want to schedule more of these opportunities into our days! It’s not easy for me to do, but it’s not as hard as I’ve made it seem to myself, either. Mostly it’s a matter of scheduling it in as a priority and working the smaller things in around it.

It’s amazing how relaxing just two hours can be for everyone when we’re in the beautiful outdoors!

So my message to you – keep it simple and just do it! Don’t get into the mental trap that I slipped into.

Whenever you can, however you can, get outdoors. It doesn’t have to be for a long time, you don’t have to have tons of food packed, you don’t have to leave your house neat, you don’t have to find the perfect location.

Really, keep it simple or you’ll find a zillion excuses to keep you from getting outdoors!

Avivah

(PS -since I know someone will ask 🙂 –  this was at British Park.)

Getting the kids outside this summer!

Homeschooling, Parenting,

I was caught by surprise when I realized that school will be ending really soon and somehow the summer is already upon us!

What am I planning for the summer?

Right now I have no plans for camp for anyone. As positive an experience as I think camp can be, I want our kids to enjoy the freedom of waking up when their bodies are ready (my six year old leaves the house at 7:10 and my 13 year old leaves just ten minutes after that) and having lots of unstructured time for them to fill, in as relaxed and leisurely a way that they want to.

You know the old fashioned way that kids used to play? Outside for hours and hours? That’s what I want to encourage. I’m so appreciative that in Israel there’s more of an outdoor culture than in the US, but nonetheless, getting your kid outside for extended periods of time isn’t a given even here.

Here’s some of what I’m planning for:

Bike riding – We’ve gotten ds10’s bike tires pumped up and filled with a material that makes the tires resistant to being popped by thorns. Last week we bought ds11 a new bike (well, to be accurate, we bought it with him since he paid for almost half of the cost himself).  We did a check to be sure everyone’s helmet was in good condition, and replaced the one that wasn’t.

Swimming – Last year due to renovations we didn’t set up our pool, but this year the boys have already got it set up! I’m waiting on the arrival of one replacement pole and then we’ll move full steam ahead to getting it filled up and in use. There’s nothing like getting in the pool on a regular basis to improve swimming skills – and most importantly – it’s fun! Fun is when all kinds of learning happens.

These pools aren’t expensive – the one we bought used in the US was something like $50. I got a new one in Israel on sale for 700 shekels (4.5 meters long x 2.2 meters wide), and then bought the upgraded filter since the one that came with it was pretty much useless. Cheaper than even a few weeks of day camp for the boys (here the cost runs about 900 shekels for three weeks per child), and it makes our home a more inviting place to spend time in and to have friends over.

I haven’t discovered the secret to making my home the preferred hangout of my kids and their friends, which I think is a good thing. But having fun stuff to do is definitely helpful.

Playgrounds – There are so many playgrounds in our city that I haven’t ever set foot in! A couple of weeks ago we visited one my kids had been asking about for months, and had a great time. We usually stick to the parks closest to home, so I’m planning to venture out and get to know other parks and playgrounds this summer.

Nature exploration – Our area is a short drive from some very beautiful natural areas. What I want is to get the kids out in the sum, in the forests, in the shade, climbing over rocks and tree branches, balancing on logs and getting filled up with the quiet of being in nature.

The book Last Child in the Woods, by Richard Louv, is a wonderful reminder of how important it is for children (and all of us!) to be outside. As childhood moves increasingly in the direction of being sedentary, solitary and dominated by screens, it becomes a conscious effort for a parent to get the kids moving, outdoors and connecting with others.

It’s worth it, though. Play outside is so healthy and so beneficial in so many ways. Developmentally, socially, emotionally…there are so many ways kids stand to gain by putting aside all the structured activities and giving them a chance to be bored, to find new interests and explore the world around them.

Play is how children learn best and the more we can encourage that play, the more they will learn! From a homeschooling perspective, I’ve believed this for many years. When my son with Trisomy 21 was born and I jumped into research about the developmental needs of kids with special needs, I was delighted to found that play continues to be the way to go.

So there you have it, my very simple and basic summer plans! Low key, low cost, low pressure.

While this will be supplemented by indoor activities, maybe a few trips, stuff like that – this is really where my focused intent for the summer will be.

Avivah

3 beliefs that bring me comfort in hard times

Self-Growth

Though I periodically ask G-d to please help me appreciate what I have and to grow closer to Him from a place of abundance and gratitude rather than pain and scarcity, I know I’m asking for the impossible. Because honestly, there’s nothing like experiencing pain, either big or small, to force you to grow in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.

Believe me, I’m not idealizing pain. I’ve gone through situations that were so gut wrenchingly agonizing that I shudder at the mere thought of having to experience anything like that again. Yes, I grew a lot from those challenges that were more difficult than I thought I had the capacity to deal with.

Looking back I can appreciate that. But I can’t and won’t idealize pain.

Various people have shared their overwhelming feelings of challenge with me recently, and feeling alone and unsupported has made each situation many times worse. I can only share several beliefs that have been helpful for me to lean on in tough times:

  • Everything comes from G-d.
  • G-d loves me more than I can imagine.
  • Everything G-d does is for my ultimate good and it is good right now even though I can’t see it.

Knowing that G-d is behind it all and is there for me keeps me from feeling alone even in situations where people aren’t showing up in the way I would like, whether in my personal life or in the wider global community.

Someone told me that it’s a struggle for her to hear any mention of G-d, and I understand that. Don’t think I was smilingly thanking G-d for my big challenges! I actually had a tremendous amount of anger that I suppressed and it wasn’t until several years later that I realized that I had pushed this under the metaphorical carpet rather than confront my feelings of abandonment by G-d.

It wasn’t until I was able to be honest with myself about later on and express that anger, that I could move on to the next stage of resolution. (Guess what? G-d is big enough to handle your anger.) When I let the feelings of betrayal out, I made room for the positive feelings of trust to come in.

Now it’s much easier for me to feel in my heart, not just think in my head, that G-d loves me and wants me to have an awesome life. (This isn’t a static awareness – I constantly come back to these above points and remind myself of them!)

For me, to feel that life is randomly throwing curve balls at me seems senseless and cruel. Knowing there’s a purpose in whatever happens and that everything comes from a place of love is reassuring and something I come back to again and again when I feel troubled.

Avivah

 

 

What to do when feeling victimized

Self-Growth

I’m back from our week long vacation at the beach!

And honestly, I’m ready to go back.

beach

I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

I’m feeling frustrated and resentful and threatened in a similar way by some situations happening simultaneously. Some are bigger political concerns (like the dramatically escalating anti-semitism worldwide and widespread media distortions of truth) and some are closer to home (school related issues interacting with those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and don’t seem to care at all about the children they are making decisions for).

When I take some quiet time to look at what is underneath all of those emotions of mine, there’s a feeling of being disempowered and victimized, a fear of not being heard and not being valued. Fear really is the core emotion that it always come down to for everyone if you keep unpeeling the metaphorical onion.

Now for me,  feeling victimized is a huge red flag  and is a place I need to be very conscious to move away from. It feels very real and it feels overwhelming and it feels TRUE.

All of that has to be replaced with something else for me to have inner peace and serenity. Because no matter what is happening around me, no matter who is doing what they are doing and saying what they are saying, I am not a victim. I am not powerless. I have choices.

I might not like my choices. I may wish that things looked different. But there is always some element that I have the possibility of impacting positively. 

Picture a toddler having a major tantrum on the floor and that’s how I sometimes feel inside, wishing things were the way I want them to be. It’s not fair! Waah, waah, waah!

Wouldn’t it be nice if kicking and screaming and being got me the results I wanted? So much easier than having to take responsibility for my part! Ugh, being an adult sometimes is so not fun.

When the resentment or negativity starts to creep in, I try to remind myself to focus on what my proactive part can be. The more I focus on what I can do, the more empowered I feel and the victim feelings fade.

I also feel strongly that contributing negative energy to a situation not only isn’t helpful, but perpetuates and intensifies the situation. I certainly don’t want to add more fuel to the fire when I’m trying to put my part of the fire out!

In my next post, I’ll share some of the spiritual beliefs I hold onto when feeling disillusioned, overwhelmed or really disturbed about something, whether that something is in the outer world or closer to home.

Avivah

The power of a good question and our beach vacation

Uncategorized

I’m writing this as I sit on the balcony overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, the sound of waves filling the air, the palm trees along the promenade swaying in the breeze and the new moon shining down on the water.

I’m here because of a question I asked myself several months ago.

I periodically ask myself life direction/mission statement kind of questions, to help me clarify the path I want to go on and the person I want to be. Life is busy and there’s always someone who needs something or something that needs to be done, and it can be hard to keep a long term perspective in the short term living.

My family has been a huge part of my mission statement work over the years, and I ask myself questions about the mother I want to be, the family I want to raise, the qualities that are important to me to nurture in our children, and other stuff along those lines.

Asking (and answering!) these questions really matters. It’s not just an intellectual exercise. When I get clarity about what’s important to me, those things then take priority and I can put energy towards them. Sometimes that energy is physical, sometimes it remains at the level of thought.

Back in January, I asked myself the following question: what would make me feel abundant? One answer that immediately came zooming out of my pen was, a week long vacation with my family. This thought about an extended vacation had been percolating since the summer, and putting it on paper pushed it up to a higher level of consciousness.

We were really busy in March and April  with holiday preparations, a new grandchild, bar mitzva preparations and home renovations. This was the perfect time to get away to decompress and recharge together as a family.

That's us down below! We had the beach mostly to ourselves. The benefit of doing things when others aren't doing it!
That’s us down below! We had the beach mostly to ourselves – the benefit of taking a trip to the beach when others aren’t .

 

And so here we are at the beach for a week!  All of our kids weren’t here – ds16 decided not to come, dd18 came for the first two days, ds13 came for the first four days – and our oldest daughter came the first full day we were here with her five week old baby to enjoy some time together.

Digging a massive moat - no wimpy plastic shovels for us - we packed a full size metal garden spade to take along!
Digging a massive moat – no wimpy plastic shovels for us – we packed a full size metal garden spade to take along!
Ds2, happy to be away from the water. After four days, I count it as a huge success that he agreed to be held as I walked in the very edge of the water.
Ds2, happy to be at the beach as long as he was far from the water. After four days, it was a huge success when he agreed to be held by me as I walked along the water’s edge.

Ds6 and ds9 hugging each other against the surf seconds before being knocked down by a massive wave.

Ds6 and ds9 hugging each other against the surf seconds before unexpectedly being knocked down by a powerful wave.

You know what kids want from us? Our time and presence. Me with the boys waiting for the waves to wash over us.
You know what kids want from us? Our time and presence. Me with the boys waiting for the waves to wash over us.

My husband was able to join us after a couple of days, so it’s mostly been the two of us with the five younger boys. For Shabbos it will be just us with the youngest four boys.

It has been so, so wonderful! My oldest son asked me if as a mother it’s still a vacation for me. I hesitated before responding. It’s a lot of work going away with children, but I’m enjoying our time together, especially in a place that is so beautiful.

It’s true that I would spend my time differently if I were here on my own. I would spend almost all day at the beach if it were just me, watching the waves, breathing deeply, thinking, reading, writing, walking…..

But being busy with the kids doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself. I absolutely am, and am so glad to have this opportunity.

Knowing that I start to feel resentful when I put a lot of energy towards meeting the needs of others and ignoring my own desires, I’ve been very conscious of making time to spend in a way that feels ideal for me. So far, that has meant going out to the beach in the early morning, shoes in hand, walking along the water of the shoreline.

That’s honestly blissful for me. I just love it. There’s something that happens inside, a quietness and calm that fills me without any effort on my part – it’s something I love, that deep and powerful energy of being in nature.

It’s amazing what we can create in our lives when we ask ourselves good questions!

Avivah

Keeping bar mitzva costs down – you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing!

Intentional Spending, Parenting

When I have some time away from my blog and then come back, I always have a sense of “Where do I start with and what should I talk about first?” Today I’ll answer this question that’s been sitting in the queue for a while!

My son’s bar mitzva was beautiful. He had a long and difficult Torah portion to read, and he did beautifully. He also read the Haftorah. The rest of our male family members dominated the prayer service. 🙂 One son got hagba (raising the Torah scroll), another was honored with p’sicha (opening the ark), my husband and sons-in-law received aliyahs, and and my oldest son davened the musaf service. It was very special for me.

bm brothers

And all of our little granddaughters were there, even the newest one who was less than two weeks old. And of course their mothers. 🙂

Pesach 2019 sisters 1

I’m telling you, it was serious nachas. I kept thanking Hashem for the privilege of raising these children and His kindness and partnership with us throughout the years.

family pic 2019

I have a question for you, if you have time, I’d love to get your thoughts on bar mitzvahs and not spending 10k like most of my son’s friends are doing..!

Well, how much you spend depends on where you live, what the standards are and how comfortable you are establishing your own standards!

A friend recently made a bar mitzva and told me I was her inspiration for thinking outside of the box and doing what was right for her family – which included keeping costs proportionate to their income. I love hearing about people finding their own path; it’s not always easy but there’s a lot of freedom in acknowledging your personal preferences and limitations, and making choices accordingly.

I remember speaking to an Ethiopian woman in Karmiel who worked cleaning homes for a living. She told me she spent thirty thousand shekels on her son’s bar mitzva party. When I expressed surprise (shock, actually), she told me this was the norm for all of his friends. A friend here in RBS told me the same figure.

There’s no question that it’s a lot of pressure when all of your child’s have a given standard and you feel you have to live up to it. After all, you don’t want to embarrass your child. So hopefully you’ve chosen a community that has compatible values in terms of how a simcha is celebrated with your own.

When it comes to bar mitzva plans, we take into account the preferences of the bar mitzva boy. I originally had one thing in mind, and my son had a different idea.

I thought since his actual birthday was on Shabbos, we’d have a large lunch meal with all our family and his friends in attendance. When ds20 had this same scenario, we had 90 people for Shabbos lunch and it was really lovely. But when I broached the idea with my son, he told me that he has friends and teachers who don’t live locally, and it was very important to him that he have an event that all of his classmates and teachers could attend. So that was the end of my idea!

The Shabbos of the bar mitzva we had immediate family members for the entire Shabbos. On Shabbos morning we hosted a kiddush (dessert buffet) at shul following his Torah reading.

Most of his friends have their bar mitzva celebrations in a hall. I didn’t want to do that, because then we have to fill the hall and I wasn’t planning to invite my friends. The purpose of this evening was for my son to celebrate with the people he wanted to have there. He made the invitation list, he delivered them all personally to everyone on his list – I gave no suggestions or input to this. (Some of our friends did come, because he wanted them there and invited them!)

We are blessed with a large porch, and thanks to the renovations we did this summer, we have a large open plan dining room/kitchen. While certainly not comparable in size to a hall, I was sure we could fit the 60 – 70 people he wanted to invite for a sit down meal.

Our plans changed just a week before the party. Due to the unseasonable and unpredictable cold and rainy weather we were having. I wasn’t at all confident that the weather would cooperate with our plans. So at the last minute we scrambled to find a new location and had his party at a shul.

This ended up being really nice for a number of reasons and I think it was nicer than it would have been at our home.

I feel a sense of communal responsibility every time we have an event, because community expectations are based on what everyone does. I think it’s a kindness to the community to unapologetically hold the costs and standards down, which are continually ratcheting up. My goal has never been to have the cheapest possible event, but to have a celebration that honors the person being celebrated, and to do it in a tasteful and financially responsible way.

My experience is that people appreciate it, and I don’t think anyone has ever considered any of our celebrations cheap. The principal of my son’s school was there and told us how much he liked how we did it: “Hakol she’tzarich k’mo she’tzarich” – loosely translated to, “Everything that there should be, in the spirit it should have. ”

 

I saved every receipt so I could share with you exactly what I spent for everything, but if I wait until I sift through and add up every shekel, this post isn’t going to get finished for a very long time! I have all the exact figures except for the bar mitzva meal food expenses written down so I’m going to overestimate on that rather than give numbers that are too low.

Since I think the question that was asked was inquiring about the costs generally associated with the party itself, I’m not including the costs of bar mitzva lessons for nine months (about 3000 shekels), or tefillin (also 3000 – we got a very good price on them). However, I’m mentioning them since they are spiritually and financially significant. They aren’t usually talked about but these are the most important costs, the costs of preparing a young man for a life of mitzvos.

Kiddush – our shul has a very simple standard, which I appreciate, and there are two different options. The simpler kiddush is 2200 shekels and includes brownies, cookies, chocolate rugelach, cinnamon rugelach, potato kugel, pekalach and drinks. The one that is slightly nicer is 2600 shekels, and includes herring and crackers in addition to the other items.

This really isn’t a lot, considering the shul I used to go to has an average cost of 6000 shekels for the kiddush (it’s a completely different standard), and that this is for 200 people. But it was more than I wanted to spend for a simple kiddush. I asked the person who takes care of this to share a list of what items are bought and quantities of each, and told him I’d like to try doing some of my own shopping. Since this isn’t something the shul makes a profit on, he was doubtful that I could do any better price-wise but agreed.

I decided not to get the potato kugel. Yes, that’s standard for the shul but I can do what I want to do, right? (That’s what I reminded myself because I was feeling I had to get exactly what he usually got!) I didn’t feel it added value for me personally. I got about eight kinds of bakery cookies, two kinds of crackers and three kinds of rugelach (miniature rolled yeast cakes), and drinks.

Then I added on some items: herring, chumus, olives, halva, banana chips, and two kinds of gummy candies. I also got 100 bags of bisli snacks for the kids. (I was told they usually get pekalach for the kids so that they don’t grab all the more expensive things. I don’t like to skimp on quantities and I bought plenty of everything so kids could also have as much as they wanted, but I still got the bags of bisli.)  I got a ton of stuff.

The shul has  policy that everything has to be store bought, or I would have made some fruit and veggie platters and some other things. It was good that I couldn’t do that because it kept me from adding any extra activities to my list at an already very busy time.

Total for kiddush: 1004 shekels. This included everything and I had lots of leftover cookies, rugelach and drinks, that I put out at the bar mitzva the next night. I had leftovers of everything else, too, even the herring, which usually gets totally finished!

As far as the bar mitzva seuda/party, I also had some last minute changes. I planned a very casual menu that included hot dogs, roast, french fries – things I thought this group of guests would enjoy more than the standard chicken/rice/green beans. But alas! When I bought the hot dogs, it was before I knew that the widely accepted kosher certification on this product (Kehillot, for those who are wondering) wasn’t used by the school.

It was the night before the party when I realized my error. I went to a number of stores, but none of them had hot dogs with the kosher supervision I needed. That’s because it was the week before Pesach and only kosher for Passover products were being sold, and this organization that gives the kosher certification (Eida Chareidis) doesn’t authorize things like hot dogs for the holiday.

Okay, so time to change the menu! Then one of my older boys objected when he heard my menu, telling me I wasn’t making enough food. I knew he was wrong but rather than argue, I just made more food. 🙂 It really wasn’t a big deal.

The menu ended up as follows:

  • homemade rolls
  • chummus
  • olives, pickles
  • Israeli salad
  • brisket
  • sliced chicken breast
  • rice
  • french fries
  • green beans with red peppers and onions
  • ice cream
  • cupcakes, cookies
  • (additional cookies and rugelach from kiddush)

Here’s the breakdown of costs for the seuda/party:

  • Food and paper goods for the seuda: 1000 – 1200 shekels
  • Wait staff –  630 shekels – I wasn’t sure if this was a good use of money but in the end was glad I hired this out since I was able to sit and let them make sure things got served with minimal involvement on my part.
  • Music – 250 – my son had a friend he knew from when they were in high school who was very experienced but not yet officially ‘in the business’. He played the keyboard and was excellent; the music added tremendously to the atmosphere and the fun.
  • Music equipment rental – 200 – there was someone who had a gemach for this; the price included delivery, set up in the beginning and break down at the end
  • Photography – 0 – we hired someone to do a family photo right before the bar mitzva Shabbos but decided not to do photography for the party. We figured friends and family would probably take pictures and didn’t feel we needed more than that.
  • Shul rental – this is one of the shuls we pay a monthly membership to; they don’t officially have a hall and getting the space ready for the bar mitzva was a lot of work. They didn’t ask us to pay anything. 200 shekels

Total for meal for 70 people (using higher food estimate): 2480 shekels.

I once again had lots of leftovers but no one minded since it was a few days before Pesach and it’s helpful to have food to eat when you’re scurrying around cleaning and turning your kitchen over.

So there you have it, 3484 shekels for a kiddush for 200 and meal for 70. Again, my focus isn’t on cutting costs to a minimum but I do try to be a good steward of what we have. I was pleased to that our son was very, very happy with his bar mitzva weekend, and I wasn’t stressed by the costs even though it was taking place at what is easily the most expensive week of the Jewish calendar.

So my suggestions are when making a celebration: think about what it means to you, what will feel good for you, what resources do you have to work with? And then, ask yourself what kind of things match that vision? Then execute accordingly.

Avivah

 

Kids need less supervision and more independence

Parenting,

At dinner one night, my almost 13 year old said that a friend of his was using a knife, and the father got angry at him and told him he’d punish him if he caught him using it again.

(I suspect this friend probably wasn’t docilely slicing cucumbers for dinner. Whatever the case was, my son was surprised.)

He then indignantly continued, “My little brother turned on the fire and cooked his own food when he was four (he was five, actually) and saws away on boxes with knives and you don’t say anything, and my friend isn’t even allowed to use a knife?!?”

I laughed and said if people heard him they might accuse me of being irresponsible.

He responded, “No, it’s good you let us do things.”

Then another son commented about an instance I once referenced from The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff. I read this book many years ago and don’t remember most of what I read, but one thing was so powerful and thought-provoking that it stayed with me all this time.

Jean visited a native village, and noticed that machetes were left laying around and little babies were allowed to play with them. Astonishingly (to our Westernized eyes, anyway) no one ever got hurt, other than an infant of Westernized (anxious) parents.

There were also pits that the babies crawled around, sometimes seeming oblivious to them and sitting with their backs right next to the edge. But she recognized that they had the awareness of themselves in space and these infants never fell in.

How could that be? How could parents be so extremely relaxed and oblivious to serious dangers their children were facing? Why didn’t they put away the machetes until the kids were old enough to be taught to use them safely, and fill in or cover up the pits?

Were those situations inherently dangerous, or was it the parents attitude toward them that created the danger? It gave me a lot to think about.

Kids need space to try new things, to stretch their wings, to learn new skills and to make mistakes. And there’s precious little space for kids to do that nowadays. Even if parents want to give their kids more freedom and independence, they have to be concerned that strangers will call the police or social services for letting their children walk somewhere alone, play in the park alone or the like.

So even those parents who theoretically are willing to let their children explore and expand their limits are often too fearful of the consequences to allow it.

kids exploring

A couple of weeks ago I took a couple of my sons with me on a womens’ hike. (Once a year there’s a family hike, and last year my boys accompanied me. The leader then generously told me my boys were welcome to come anytime!)

So there we were, hiking away, when we came across an interesting ancient structure and well. Naturally, the boys wanted to get closer and check them out.

Several adults kept telling my boys to be careful, not to climb there, not to go there, because it’s dangerous. “Stand back, don’t get so close, go down, you could fall, you could get hurt!” I assured more than one woman that not only was I watching them but that they were safety conscious and wouldn’t do anything risky.

It seems that we adults can’t resist projecting our own fears onto kids. We think of every single possibility of something that could go wrong (and we’ve all seen enough articles and news reports of pretty much every horrible possibility), and then we think we have to warn our kids as if it’s all a likelihood for them that moment.

Can you see how adult fear diminishes the opportunities for a child to develop faith in his own ability?

As problematic as screen time is, it has created a solution for how to keep the children ‘safely’ occupied, while at the same time it’s created a generation of physically inactive, socially uncomfortable and emotionally insecure children.

At the end of the hike, we came upon a large  well.

The water was probably about ten feet across, our boys know how to swim, and there was a welded iron ladder leading down into the water by which a person could climb in and out. There were no currents, no waves, no sharks, and I was standing close by – it was actually kind of similar to a small swimming pool. When they asked me if they could go in, what do you think I said?

I told them absolutely not. Not because it was dangerous, because it wasn’t. But because others would think it was and would be horrified if I allowed that.

As we walked away from that well, I thought regretfully about the many generations of children across the ages who were allowed to do so much more than our kids can. The idea that kids at the ages of my boys (almost ten and 11.5) needed constant monitoring and admonitions to stay safe would have been ludicrous.

I would like to think that if I hadn’t been concerned about the reactions of others that I would have allowed our boys to go in the water.

Even if I had, it wouldn’t be because I’m so chilled. I’m not. People think I’m more relaxed than I am by the things I allow, but like most of us, I’m a product of our environment.

What helps me set aside my own worries is reminding myself how important it is for kids to have opportunities for expansion, exploration and development, and remembering those little babies who grew up being trusted and responding accordingly.

Avivah

Bar mitzva preps, Pesach preps, and doing renovation stuff

Uncategorized

You know back in the summer, when I told you our family had undertaken a big renovation project that involved knocking down two walls and switching the locations of a bedroom and kitchen?

There’s a reason I never showed you the final pictures. Because I never completely finished this project.

It was a very ambitious project and it became incredibly draining and overwhelming when I ended up with much less help than I anticipated. My backup plan had been to hire a handyman who was doing other work for us to finish whatever wasn’t done within three weeks, which I told him from the start and he agreed to. I knew starting out that I absolutely did not want a project that dragged on and on.

So starting off, I thought I had all the bases covered – a good schedule for work to be done and a good exit plan.

However, that didn’t work out either – we just couldn’t get the guy to come more than once every week or two for a very short period, even with repeated reminders and advance scheduling. He’s busy, and honestly, it’s not any more fun for him than for me to do all the smaller finishing stuff.

So it became obvious that the project would need to be completed by me. The details of what needed to be done seemed never ending, and it was mentally wearing to always have more to do.

Most of it was done. But not the final touches that make a project look done.

I was so utterly maxxed out by this project that I took a huge break from giving workshops, dramatically cut down on private sessions with clients, and from anything extra, actually. I was the definition of overextended and burnt out.

I went waaaay past my limitations for an extended period in a way that I hadn’t done for years.

As a result, I needed to consciously fill myself up after that extreme period of depletion. In large part that meant has been leaving a lot of margin in my schedule so that every moment wasn’t filled with potential activities and tasks. In trying to do this, I recognized how very full my regular life is without any extra projects!

After a very long break, I finally have some mental head space to get this finished now! It’s also vacation for my twenty year old son, who is always willing to help out as much as he can when he’s home. So things are starting to get done.

Last week I had new counters and sinks installed. This week I the faucets installed and last night I began tiling the backslash in the kitchen. A glass cabinet door cracked and I hope this morning they’ll be ready to be picked up from the glass repair place and then reinstalled. (I took them there three weeks ago!)

(Maybe one day I’ll write a post about the countertops we built and installed that ended up not being frugal at all. That’s what we had until now.)

Someone came by last night and I apologized for the mess in the kitchen. He said that’s what everyone’s kitchen looks like now! I think mine is more than usual, with the wall in the process of being tiled, dishes that couldn’t be washed (since the tile glue has to set and can’t be gotten wet) piled in the sink, the counter covered with pieces of newspaper for protection, a container of contact cement on the floor, pieces of cut laminate on another counter, tiles and the tile cutter piled on the floor…

Not to mention the mess of cleaning for Pesach – we’re at that stage when each room is getting cleaner but all the stuff people don’t want or need is getting moved out and some of that is in the living room. I don’t like visual clutter and there’s  lot of it right now.

BUT——–

It’s getting done! And for the first time in a long, long time, I have some energy for this project and am enjoying doing it.

 

In response to a reader question about bar mitzva costs, I’ll be sharing that with you in the coming week after we wrap up the celebrations here.

For now, we’re looking forward to hosting our entire immediate family for this Shabbos. My son will be reading the Torah on Shabbos morning at KSY, followd by a kiddush – for those in the area, please consider yourself invited – I would love to see you there!

Avivah