All posts by Avivah

Stop making meal time a battle ground!

April 23, 2018nutrition, ParentingAvivah

Some people think I’m really into nutrition, but that’s not true. Yes, I feed my family a diet that is considered healthy. But I’m not into it. Good nutrition is important in a number of ways, but it’s not something that is a central topic of discussion with my family much at all.

Recently someone who is very concerned about healthy eating asked me some questions about how I feed my kids, specifically wanting to know about snacks. Honestly, I don’t do much in the way of snacks.

Here are my basic guidelines for meals: Three meals a day, they can eat as much or as little as they want of whatever I serve. If they get hungry in between, they can have a vegetable or fruit, by itself or with something like chummus or peanut butter (eg carrot sticks with chummus, apple slices with peanut butter). Often one of the kids will pop up a pot of popcorn.

For Shabbos breakfast I usually buy cornflakes (plain, not frosted) or make granola; on a regular day breakfast is usually eggs, oatmeal or polenta.

She asked about other specifics: I use hardly any processed foods (the main exceptions are mayonnaise and hummus – yes, I know I can make them from scratch and often I have but right now I usually don’t). I don’t make lots of ‘junk’ foods (except on Shabbos and usually then I’ll use white or brown sugar), and I don’t try to make healthy copycat version of popular snack foods. Meals consist mostly of proteins, grains, legumes and vegetables.

“But how do they comply with that?” (Or more commonly phrased, “How do you get them to eat that?”) Food and compliance are two words that I don’t want associated with one another in my home. Compliance implies that I’m trying to force healthy foods on them against their will. I don’t see it as my job to force or manipulate my children to eat anything. When they’re hungry, they’ll eat.

If you want to encourage your children to eat more nutritiously, don’t talk so much about it! Don’t make such a big deal! Sure, you can talk a bit about the choices you make and why, but honestly, serving food that tastes good and enjoying your meal times together is much more important than your explanations about how healthy it is.

Know also that when you talk too much about something and how wonderful it is, it can actually create resistance in your children toward the very thing you’re trying to encourage! Ironic but true.

I’m not invested emotionally in what my children eat. I serve what I serve and I trust that they’ll listen to their bodies and eat the quantity that is appropriate to them. I choose what to serve, they choose if they want to eat it or not. That’s a fair division of meal time responsibility, I think!

This relaxed approach has served us well over the years. Our children aren’t picky eaters, are for the most part appreciative of what they get, and most importantly, the dinner table isn’t a battleground.

Avivah

Letting go of things that hold us back from who we’re meant to be..and what we’re changing in our home

March 30, 2018Homeschooling, Parenting, PesachAvivah

It’s so easy to get busy, busy, busy with all of the physical preparations for Pesach – the cooking and cleaning and cooking and cleaning and yet more cooking and cleaning…that we often don’t have time and energy left to consider the deeper messages of this holiday. The physical act of getting rid of the chametz (leavened foods) in our homes is intended to be a reflection of releasing the spiritual and emotional ‘chametz’ – those unwanted activities or attitudes in our lives that are holding us back from developing ourselves fully.

The Pesach seder is an incredibly powerful spiritual time when we create the space to acknowledge what holds us back, who we have the potential to be, and being willing to release whatever it is that we’re holding onto that is keeping us from being that person. I’ve told you already that part of my preparations for the seder are taking a long nap erev Pesach; another thing is to take the time to contemplate before the seder

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I recently finished reading Hatchet together with our boys, the fictional story of a teen who survives a plane crash and is left to alone in the Canadian wilderness. Slowly and with great effort Brian learns to survive- to make a shelter, create a fire and find food.

Almost two months after the crash, he is able to retrieve the survival pack from the plane. In it he finds lots of items that will make his survival much easier – including a gun and matches. Previously he had to learn to make a fire using natural materials and had to understand animal habits in order to hunt them. After taking out each of these two items, he immediately felt different, removed from the world he had worked so hard to understand in order to survive – and he wasn’t sure he liked how that difference made him feel.

I thought of Brian when I read this article, in which the advent of the smartphone is compared to the development of the phonetic alphabet or the newspaper in its momentousness. “I don’t think people realize how radically different it is to be a human being with a phone in your pocket,” Dugoni said.

Kind of like how Brian felt different with the tools of civilization in his hand, tools that served to separate him from the level of consciousness he had developed without them.

There is an increasing awareness of the ways that the internet and more specifically, smartphones are changing our lives as a society. I’m not referencing this from a religious perspective, but a place of concern about what these changes mean for the emotional and social development of individuals, families and our entire culture. (Here’s a worthwhile read sharing a number of thought-provoking points: Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?)

I don’t have a smartphone – but my internet usage has often been something I’ve felt uncomfortable with. It’s convenient and there are definitely pluses – a huge one for me has been the ability to connect with many people irrespective of distance. However, ironically, though I joined Facebook since it was suggested as a way to reach more people – and yet as a direct result of being on social media, my time spent writing dropped significantly! There are a few reasons for that – one is that it’s much easier to be a passive consumer of someone else’s sound bites than to take the time and effort to compose my own thoughts.

But despite my awareness that my online use isn’t always beneficial to me, it’s so compelling that often- very often – I continue browsing longer than serves a productive purpose. It’s not surprising and I’m not unusual in that regard – it’s a medium that was developed to be addictive, to create the desire for just a little more and a little more, to just keep scrolling down just one more time….

I’m not talking about viewing things that are inappropriate or offensive – even with wholesome internet use like mine, one’s time can easily slip away without being fully aware of it. And I have to admit that my online activity displaces time that could be spent on other things, things that would be of more benefit to me and those around me.

So I’ve had to ask myself some hard questions, about who I want to be, what I want my family to look like, and is my online time aligned with that? My husband and I have been discussing this in recent weeks, and here are some changes we’re in the process of implementing.

First of all, my husband (who was given a smartphone by his employer over a year ago) decided to buy a simple cell phone and stopped using his smartphone. (It’s relevant to note that he was judicious in his use of his phone, consistently turning it off for hours every day. ) It took only one day for him to feel to express how freeing it has been to not have the smartphone in his pocket – it has a real presence.

Our family screen time policy is conservative by most accounts – our kids don’t independently use the internet, and when they do they do use the internet, the main thing that they do is listen to classical or frum music or audiobooks (borrowed from the US library we are still members of). Sometimes I will show them short clips that I think will be of interest to them – sometimes something cute or touching, sometimes something educational. Is that so bad? No, it’s not.

But when I asked myself, ‘do I want my children to associate computer use with being the central source of entertainment?’, I felt uncomfortable.

I want my children to have time and space to connect with themselves, with others, to kick around a ball, get lots of fresh air and outdoor time. I don’t want them inside holed up around a screen, even if they’re listening to something of educational value that is enriching in some ways.

While I’d love to eliminate the internet from my home and have seriously considered it a number of times (I would have it in my office, which is outside my home), since I use an online program that is an important language support for ds5, I can’t get rid of it entirely. However, we’ve made a move toward dramatically reducing screen time for our kids. Their computer time increased in recent months when I was busy planning two weddings back to back, and they weren’t excited about our decision to cut their online time.

However, we didn’t just say no and take it away without any replacement of some sort. Ds12 and ds10 both got mp3s, which have been loaded with lots of Torah stories and music. It’s been especially nice to listen to these stories together – I love how they are filling their minds with valuable concepts and information at the same time they’re having fun!

And now for me. Sigh. I’m the most challenged in this regard. I try to keep the computer turned off during the day, because once it’s on, it’s easy for me to browse online. Then when I go online – usually once every day or two, I try to have an idea of what I want to accomplish and to have a time limit. Like I said, I’m trying! I can’t say that I just stopped cold turkey and it was easy. It’s not easy at all, but recognizing this is a habit that isn’t serving me in living my life as fully as I’d like makes it easier to move toward something better.

So far, I’m getting more sleep (well, usually – I have to admit that I’m writing this at 3 am after being up late cooking for the seder!), I’ve read more books, my kitchen is cleaner and when my kids speak to me, I am much less likely to ask them to repeat themselves after not hearing them fully the first time because my mind was somewhere else. 🙂

It’s a process. It’s not about perfection. I’m doing what I can to move in the direction I’d like to go, and there will be missteps and sometimes steps backward, but hopefully we can continue moving forward overall!

So that’s a bit about some of my spiritual chametz, something that has been constricting and limiting, and now we’re trying to root it out and release it!

Avivah

Getting into the Pesach spirit

March 27, 2018Homemaking, PesachAvivah

A neighbor knocked at my door a few days ago to offer us a food that isn’t kosher for Pesach, explaining that they had turned over their kitchen for Pesach (over a full week before the holiday begins). Hearing this, my younger kids were alarmed – “What?! Already?” And I knew they were wondering, ‘how can they be finished when we’ve hardly gotten started?’

Every year we have this issue of someone in our family wondering why we’re not getting stressed out. After all, everywhere you turn are people rushing to and fro, with a sense of purposeful energy gushing as they turn their homes upside down and then right side out again!

I don’t do that. I used to think something was wrong with me, and wondered what everyone else was doing that I wasn’t doing. Finally I realized that I wasn’t neglecting any important preparations; while there are plenty of people who do much more spring cleaning than I do, I actually do a good bit of that as well. It’s just that I don’t get too worked up about it.

I try to be relaxed when preparing for Pesach, as I don’t want the preparations to overshadow the spirit of the holiday for me or for my family members.

After the two weddings back to back this year, I’ve been really tired. And as a result I thought I wasn’t very effective in getting the kids at home to get involved in Pesach preparations. It takes head space to assign tasks, and I just didn’t want to think about it. Finally I sat down to make a list of what needed to be done so that the boys can choose jobs they want to do, and I realized there really isn’t that much left to do! (The boys have even found time for some nice extras, like painting the living room/dining room area, in addition to doing their bedrooms and helping with the various tasks I’ve asked them about.)

So why am I feeling like I haven’t done anything for Pesach yet?? I realized that for me, it doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything for Pesach until I turn over the kitchen.

Pesach begins Friday night, so we’ll do the kitchen on Weds. That will give me time to shop and get all the laundry done without pressure, and on Thursday and Friday I can do the cooking. Plenty of time to get ready, and most importantly, to take a nap on Friday so that everyone (including me!) is awake and able to enjoy the seder.

The moms in my current parenting workshop asked me for my tips for the seder night, and my most important one is: be rested. You can make a simpler menu, you can do less spring cleaning, but the most important part of Pesach is the seder and everyone should be able to enjoy it!

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This year I wanted to reach out to single women who might appreciate an invitation for seder night and posted on our community Facebook group to let them know they could be in touch with me. So far I got rainchecks for next year though none for this year, but as I told a friend, even if the only thing posting my offer accomplished was that someone might feel cared about even if she didn’t join us, that’s also worthwhile.

She responded that she felt my offer did more than that – she said that it made her consider who might she know that could be in need of a place and reach out to them, and she thinks others had the same response. If that’s true, I’m happy to be part of the cycle of making our community a more connected place!

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Last night someone knocked on our door in need of financial assistance. After giving her some money, I invited her in for a drink and something to eat. I asked her if she had children, and when she responded that she did, I asked if I could send some cake for them. (I thought it might be burdensome for her to have to carry it the rest of the evening until she got home.)

Lest you think I always happen to have fresh cakes available to give away on the spur of the moment, the answer is not at all! We baked a cake to send to someone I thought would appreciate it, but then my kids were sick and no one was able to deliver it….

I thought it was a shame for it to go to waste, but Hashem clearly had a different plan than mine for who would benefit- and sent that person right to my door!

I packed up the cake and chatted with this woman a bit. I shared with her that we’ve also been through very difficult financial periods and I know how hard it can be.

She was so appreciative- yes, for the money and cake – but it seemed that the bit of conversation and warm wishes and hug on her way out meant even more. It is so difficult to maintain a positive sense of yourself when you’re struggling financially and need to ask for help, and it means a lot to know that you’re still viewed as a valuable human being.

I read recently that it’s been documented that doing mitzvos shifts your aura, and I felt that last night. I had such a warm feeling when she left. We think we’re doing those in need a favor by helping them, but I really felt that I had been the one who was helped by being able to give to someone else.

And that was a very nice way to get into the holiday spirit.

Avivah

50 Moms – A Thousand Years video

March 23, 2018Trisomy 21Avivah

I’m a day late in posting for World Down Syndrome Day, but I loved this video so much that I just had to share it with you!

This was made by fifty mothers of four year olds with Down syndrome in the UK who were on a Facebook Down syndrome group together. Each one signed the song together with their child while sitting in the front seat of their cars, and a couple of dads edited the clips and put it together.

What’s the message?To me it shows the joy and love in having a child with Down syndrome, and I think the hashtag that accompanies it is powerful in its simplicity – #wouldn’tchangeathing.

I know, Down syndrome is supposed to be a bad thing, right? But that just hasn’t been my experience at all. And I love seeing so many other moms expressing the same thing.

What do you think?

Avivah

Sheva brachos reflections, my boys the waiters and the menus

March 9, 2018menu plans, Parentingsheva brachos menuAvivah

It has been a wonderfully busy and full and happy season of wedding preparations, of hosting and shopping and planning and preparing – and this week the sheva brachos for our second daughter has ended.

I was reflecting on how nice it is to have this time to see the new couple each evening, and how valuable it is to have this week to ease the transition for both the new couple and their families. It’s been so nice to have the opportunity to get to know the family members of each of our sons-in-law. And of course, it’s extremely nice to hear wonderful things being said about the new couple (and their families :)).

From the first sheva brachos after the second wedding- my husband and I with our three couples and ds19 in the center

One person told me after attending the first sheva brachos that we hosted that he never was at a sheva brachos where he was repeatedly close to tears. I asked him why, and he told me that he was touched by how much love was expressed by our children for one another when each of them spoke. I was very touched by his appreciation – it helps me to not take their connection with one another for granted.

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People have been asking me in the last couple of days if now that the weddings are over I’m resting and taking it easy.

Well, not exactly. I do still have a number of other people in our family who have needs to tend to! It’s actually quite a list right now of things that very much need my attention – I’ll spare you the list – and that’s before taking into account any Pesach preparations!

In any case, it will take a while to process the changes but I think everyone is transitioning well to our new normal. I’m keeping my eye on ds5; we spent time every day for three months preparing him for this because he’s very close to his big sisters and I was concerned them moving out would be a significant trauma for him. He’s been very out of sorts since the second wedding and it’s hard to know how much is being overtired and out of his usual routine. I’m positive that missing his sisters is a big part of it.

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This past Shabbos we hosted sheva brachos in our home for Friday night dinner and shalosh seudos; friends hosted the lunch meal. I’ll share the menu for those of you who may find that helpful!

I did something very wise and hired my younger boys (11, 10 and 8) to be the waiters. About noon on Friday I told them I had limited people I would hire and was offering each of them the possibility of waitering. To have the option of being a waiter, they needed to be dressed for Shabbos and have their room clean by 3 pm, in addition to the other tasks I had asked them to do earlier in the day. Obviously they needed to do what they were asked before and during the meals promptly and with a good attitude.

I made a master list so ds11 would know what to do when (I made him head waiter and later gave him a tip for taking more responsibility) and took a few minutes to go over the basic run down of what to expect. My goal was to sit and enjoy the meal, and though I definitely was needed to facilitate the courses, for the most part the boys did the bulk of the work – they did a great job with smiling faces the whole night long! Afterwards they told me it was fun being a waiter. 🙂 And they were all very happy with their payment, which came out to less than 100 shekels

Here is the menu plan!

Friday night:

rolls
dips – chumus, techina, spicy Moroccan carrot salad
olives, pickles

First course:

baked carp with pesto topping
mayonnaise

(I was very nervous about this since I never make fish for Friday nights, and was worried about keeping it warm until it was served without it drying out. I baked it only 10 – 15 minutes, leaving it half baked. Then I put it in the oven to warm up and left it there until it was time to serve it. I was worried it would be undercooked or dried out and was so relieved when I opened the pan that it was just right!)

Soup course:

chicken soup

Main course:

roasted sweet potatoes with cinnamon and ginger
sesame broccoli
green beans with honey-tahini glaze
roasted eggplant, zucchini and onion
rice
roast chicken
chicken breast in coconut tomato sauce
salad – lettuce/cherry tomatoes/peppers/cukes

Dessert:

trifle cups – whipped cream and chocolate mousse topping brownies and white cake
baked sliced apples
peanut butter coconut flour cake
coconut flour bundt cake topped with coconut cream and blueberries

Shalosh seudos/third meal:

rolls
dips – chummus, fresh tomato dip, Turkish salad, eggplant dip
baked carp
salads – pineapple coleslaw, sushi salad, Moroccan carrot salad, eggplant halves drizzled with techina, purple cabbage salad with almonds and red pepper, lettuce tomato salad, tomato salad
cakes – assortment of bakery cakes

I probably am forgetting something since there was a lot of food!

We hosted dinner in our living room, which was cozy, and then had shalosh seudos on our large porch, which had more space. My husband preferred to have people sitting closer together in the beginning to give more of a feeling of togetherness and getting to know one another. It worked out really nicely!

We were called by the daughter of a long term friend of my husband, who is in seminary this year and asked about coming this week for Shabbos with a couple of friends. I really didn’t want to say no, but my husband I agreed that we all need a quiet Shabbos this week. It will definitely be much quieter than it’s been lately, with only the youngest six boys at home; we’ll have a simple menu and hopefully some time to rest!

Avivah

Wedding of Michal and Amitai – pics

March 2, 2018ParentingAvivah

I can hardly believe that our two oldest daughters are now married!

Last night we celebrated the first sheva brachos for Michal and Amitai. Today we had the Purim seuda in our home, and tomorrow night will begin the Shabbos sheva brachos that we are hosting! Does that hint at how extremely busy I am??

Honestly, I should be cooking for sheva brachos right now since very little has been prepared and there’s quite a lot to do, but I’ve decided to take a break of sorts and share some of the unofficial wedding pictures with you instead. Decadent of me, isn’t it? 🙂

It was another beautiful wedding!

T. helping Michal get ready — It’s nice having an older sister to help get you get ready for your wedding!

Our lovely bride!

Amitai placing veil over Michal at bedecken

(For those who read my post a while back about remaking my gown for one of the weddings, this was the gown. Not that you can really see it well in the pictures, but it turned out nicely.)

We had really wanted to have the ceremony outdoors, and fortunately the heavy rain and very cold temperatures of the day before abated.

Leading bride around the groom seven times — Mothers escorting bride around the groom seven times

The couple together at the end of seventh circle

Right at this point is where I got a surprise – the rosh yeshiva who was going to be officiating had gotten sick and been replaced by a Taimani (Yemenite) rav. I would have been able to appreciate the ceremony more fully if I had known to expect some differences but even so enjoyed it. A number of people came over to me afterward and told me how beautiful it was, that it was the first time they had attended a Yemenite wedding ceremony. It was my first time, too!

While waiting to take family pictures after the ceremony, Yirmi makes friends with the photographers — While waiting to take family pictures after the ceremony, Yirmi spends time with the photographers – this is the second wedding of ours that they’ve photographed so they’ve gotten to know each other!

At our last wedding, the musicians told us it was unusually high energy group. And it was – there was a lot of love being expressed by a lot of people.

This wedding was just a night before Purim, and with 100 plus guys from Amitai’s yeshiva, many of whom were dressed in costume, it was super pumped. Though I’ve been told weddings of guys from this yeshiva are energetic, the musician (who is also from the yeshiva) told me this was on a different scale completely. It was very, very high energy. It didn’t pause for a second.

Our male family members had to really work to get into the center of the circle to dance with Amitai and later when Michal came to the mens’ side, to dance for them both. It was actually kind of intimidating for my younger boys, who really wanted to dance for their sister and with their new brother-in-law but didn’t feel able to force their way in. I appreciated one man who noticed ds10 and pulled him in, giving him the chance to rollerblade for the couple.

A human pyramid - ds19 is on the top in the green wig — Ds19 on top of the human pyramid (in the green wig)

Michal throwing candies to Amitai over the divider

After this picture, Michal’s friends put her down and continued dancing with her.

Dancing on women's side — Dancing on women’s side

Amitai’s friends, who were also holding him on a tabletop, threw him up in the air repeatedly, so high that several times he hit the ceiling (which led to another interesting and memorable situation later on when his key and phone flew out of his pocket and were temporarily lost).

Dh and I at the end of the wedding with ds11 and ds 14mo

I’ll share official pictures when we have them, which will of course include pictures of the couple together! I realize it’s disappointing not to see those. Sorry, for now I can only share the pictures I was sent. 🙁

So that they’re represented as a couple in this post :), I’ll share a picture of them 24 hours later at their first sheva brachos.

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It’s hard to believe that we have three married couples now!

It will take some time to process all the changes happening in our family – this third wedding took place exactly a year and a week from the time Rafael entered the family (the three weddings took place within 8.5 months), so there have been four new family members in the last year! It’s been very special and emotional to see our family expand to include these beautiful people.

Avivah

Choosing wedding music for the chupa

February 20, 2018ParentingAvivah

So many little details go into preparing for a wedding!

Right now I can’t describe the different things that I’m doing all at one time. It’s overwhelming if I try to describe it or think of all the different details that I’m arranging, and then I start to feel stressed. Dealing with one piece at a time is how this entire period of preparing for two weddings so close together has been manageable and relaxed for me.

So I’ll just share about one piece. 🙂

For the chupa (wedding ceremony), three songs are chosen – one for the chasan to walk down to, one for the kallah to walk down to, and one for when the cup is broken at the end. Michal asked Amitai for his feedback on what song he thought would be a good choice for her to walk down to.

He chose a song that I love, love, love. Bo’i Kallah, by Yaakov Shwekey. I thought it was perfect.

And then Michal told me that she is choosing a different song. Something that better reflects her thoughts and feelings. I didn’t think I could love a song any more than the first one, but when I heard this one, I got choked up because it is so …. her. The song is Tefilat Kallah – Prayer of the Bride, by Yaakov Shwekey, and has had special meaning for her even prior to getting engaged.

I’ve been practicing listening to it and not crying – so far it hasn’t worked. 🙂 I get teary at the same point every single time. But since I didn’t cry at either of the last two wedding ceremonies (even though I had to take a few deep breaths and close my eyes to keep the tears back), I’m hopeful I’ll make it through this next chupa without flooding the ceremony as well.

The only problem with this song is that the vocal range ranges from very low and very high. Not a problem for a singer with an unusual ability to hit very high notes. But Michal has asked her oldest two brothers to sing this for her as she walks down, and they’re concerned about the necessary vocal range. We’ll see what happens!

Avivah

Wedding of Tehila and Meir – pics

February 19, 2018ParentingAvivah

On Thursday evening we celebrated the wedding of Tehila and Meir! Appropriately for a wedding on Rosh Chodesh Adar, it was an especially joyful wedding!

Tehila started the day of her wedding by praying at the Kotel. Since a bride and groom have a special spiritual power to give blessings on the day of their wedding, she then went to a Jerusalem hospital to bless sick children and their families. In October 2015, ds5 had a serious surgery and Tehila was there when a bride came to his room to give him a blessing. She was so impressed by this that at that time, she told me when it was her wedding day, she planned to do the same. And so she did.

The director of the ward where she visited was so touched and impressed by her that she came to the wedding to let my husband and I know what a special daughter we have. She told me that parents were crying at the beautiful blessings she gave them.

The photos I’m able to share are dependent on what was sent to me by friends and family who took pictures from the sidelines. I don’t yet have pictures taken by Meir’s family members, and most of the pictures I have are from before the wedding when the couple couldn’t yet see each other, so he’s underrepresented only for that reason.

Here are some pictures for now!

Tehila - reading prayer for the bride Tehila – reading prayer for the bride

t wedding - t bouquet

Tehila with her brothers – note Rafael grabbing kippa off of ds8’s head

Rafael - almost a year since this cutie joined the family! — Rafael – just five days short of a year since this cutie joined the family!

Getting a blessing from her father at bedeken

Giving a blessing to her sister after bedeken

The chupa was so beautiful- one of the most beautiful I’ve ever been to. Actually, it was the most beautiful I’ve been to. 🙂 I was able to be very present and really appreciate each moment; it was definitely easier since this isn’t my first child to get married and I knew what to expect.

While I managed to keep the tears at bay, I was told by a friend that there were many people crying during the chupa from deep emotion and happiness.

t wedding - chupa 2

Kallah circling the chasan under the chupa

Married!! Being introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Samberg for the first time — Married!! About to enter the hall as they are being introduced as husband and wife for the first time

It was a very special evening for a very special couple!

This is what I’ve been writing and teaching about parenting for all these years – this is what it leads to. To amazing young adults that I feel proud and humbled and grateful to call my children, watching them go onto their independent lives with the necessary skills to be successful in relationships and in life.

Avivah

Having two brides in the family at the same time

February 10, 2018Parenting, Self-GrowthAvivah

It’s been busy with our two upcoming weddings to prepare for and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to share more here, especially with so much going on!

As we’re just hours away from the last Shabbos spent together before our oldest daughter’s wedding, I thought I’d share about a comment/question that I’ve been constantly hearing:

What is it like to have two daughters engaged and getting married around the same time?

The short answer? Amazing. Wonderful. Unbelievable blessing coming through the spiritual and emotional pipelines.

But I realized that with this question being raised so often, maybe that’s not really saying enough.

My daughters have also gotten comments about how hard it must be. One of them shared with me a question she was asked: “Isn’t it hard being engaged at the same time as your sister? Don’t you compare who has more and who gets more, whose chassan (fiance’) is better, etc?”

When my daughter shared this with me, I was taken aback. I thought this revealed a lot about the questioner, but after sharing this comment with many others who agree it’s a legitimate concern, apparently what was unusual was my surprise about the sentiment expressed rather than the concern raised.

Here’s our experience.

Each of my daughters is marrying a wonderful guy, each who is perfect for her. Each young man is very different, with different strengths and abilities. What in the world is there to compare? Who is happier? Who got a bigger diamond? Whose fiance is more thoughtful?

That would be ridiculous. Comparison is the last thing any of us are thinking about, especially our daughters. I think it’s amazing it is that our daughters can share this special stage of life with each other as they go through similar experiences, and they’ve said the same thing. For our family, it’s only heightened our happiness for them to be engaged at the same time. They’ve always been good friends and now this is brings an added dimension to their relationship.

A friend told me yesterday, “Only you could have that attitude.”

What in the world????? Did I get pushed up onto a pedestal because I recognize and welcome the abundance of having so much positive energy in our home at one time???

I can’t deny that there’s a lot of time and energy that is necessary. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and doing it times two so close together is a LOT of work. That’s no contradiction to it being a wonderful experience! In fact, most of the things in life that bring us the most happiness are the things we’ve invested the most in.

For us, the experience of having two daughters getting engaged two weeks apart, and soon to be married twelve days apart, has been about seeing how perfect Divine timing is.

We humans can find a way to ruin anything good – no matter how good! – by finding something to complain about! I was very conscious from the beginning of the first engagement that my focus would be on my gratitude. It was important to me to be conscious of that since I knew it could very easy to get into overwhelm or complaining about how much there was to do, if that’s the direction I chose to go in.

Yes, it’s a choice.

The thoughts we think are a choice. What we focus on is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Gratitude is a choice. It’s not all about what is sent to us in this world, but the attitude we choose to take when various life circumstances come our way.

Fortunately for us, in this case enjoying this period and enjoying our two brides has been an easy choice for us all!

Avivah

Why perfectionism will make you believe you’re never a good enough mother

January 25, 2018Parenting, Self-GrowthAvivah

Recently I spoke with a young mother who wanted to address some concerns she was having with her young children. As I listened to her detail all the issues she was having, I thought about how demanding her expectations were.

When she paused, I told her, “It seems to me that you hold yourself to a very high standard that will make it impossible to ever feel good about your parenting.” She admitted that she’s a perfectionist.

Sometimes it’s not your children and their behavior that is the issue; it’s your unrealistic expectations of yourself. Those high expectations can masquerade as something positive – for example, in the case of this mother, it sounded like wanting to be the very best mother possible. That sounds admirable, doesn’t it?

Right. It sounds good, but if there’s so much tension and inner pressure about it, clearly it’s not healthy. Saying she wanted to be a good mother was just prettying up a huge sledgehammer in her mind that she was constantly using to beat herself up since she never lived up to her perfect ideal.

While some people think perfectionism is a positive quality, I couldn’t disagree more. Perfectionism is deeply damaging and it guarantees that a person will never feel enough, no matter how hard they try.

perfectionism scale

Not only does perfectionism affect you negatively, it harms your children as well, because they need to look perfect in order for you prove to yourself and the world that you’re a good enough parent. They’ll never feel good enough, either – not for you and not for them. And then they’ll internalize that perpetual inadequacy within themselves.

Parents, step back and reevaluate your expectations of yourself and your children, to have a realistic idea of what to strive for. You will probably benefit from checking in with someone from the outside who has an objective perspective. This isn’t about lowering the bar and saying that anything goes. Not at all. It’s being nurturing and compassionate of yourself and your children to let go of unrealistic ideas that only bring feelings of pain and inadequacy to you all.

We all need to have space to just be, to move at a pace that is appropriate for us. That’s a critical component that allows the natural developmental process to unfold. We can’t move forward in a healthy way when the inner voice is a driving taskmaster, saying, “More, more, better, better, don’t stop because if you do you’ll never be good enough!”

Can you let what you've already done be enough? Or do you have to do' just one more thing' to feel you've done enough? — Can you let what you’ve already done be enough?

I’ve said it before but it bears repeating – again and again and again.

You are enough as you are right now. Really.

And when you can let yourself feel that, ironically you’ll then free up some emotional energy that can applied to being more of who you want to be – from a place of self-love, not self-shaming.

Avivah

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