Our oldest son turned 19 two days after Yirmiyahu was born, so there wasn’t much of a celebration for him at home.  We wished him a ‘happy birthday’ and joked that the shalom zachor celebration was a party for him, too, since it was the evening of his birthday.  🙂

Exactly a month later, dd16 had a birthday.  Again, no celebration, though it’s not uncommon for us to delay parties somewhat with the hope to surprise the birthday celebrant.  Yesterday dd17 and dd11 took her to the beach in Akko (Acre) as a girls’ day out in honor of her birthday, but it wasn’t a family get together.  But plans were in the works for both dd16 and ds19.

Dd16 was at the forefront of plans for this birthday party for her brother, not knowing that a couple of her siblings were conspiring to surprise her at the same time.  She baked him a lovely cake decorated with a gemara (Talmud).  Ds10 baked a cake for dd16 a few days ago but the freezer was full and so it stayed wrapped on a pantry shelf – it was still pretty fresh but dd17 wanted to serve something nicer.  So she tried to get dd16 out of the house while ds13 prepared a chocolate brownie cake with a vanilla pudding layer and a chocolate pudding layer.  Yum!

What they decided to do was to have a family cookout at a local forested area that is legally zoned for campfires, so we didn’t have to get permission to have it there.  It took a good bit of preparation to gather the wood, shlep all the food there, etc, but it was worth it.  Once the campfire was going, dd16 lit the candles on the cake for ds19 and we all started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him.  He was really surprised; at first he thought we were singing in honor of his sister’s birthday!

While he was admiring his cake and thanking everyone, dd17 was lighting the candles in the shape of a 16 on the second cake, and he had hardly finished thanking dd16 for the cake when we all started a second round of ‘Happy Birthday’, this time for dd16!  It was amazing that they were able to surprise dd16, but that’s why the cake was baked just an hour before the cookout; if they had done it further in advance she’d probably have gotten wind of it.

They both cut their cakes and served everyone a piece of each.  The other family in the campground area apparently heard us singing because a few minutes later, they brought over plates of bamba (a popular Israeli peanut corn puff snack) and popcorn.  A couple minutes later, they came with the next round, a plate of nuts and sunflower seeds and a plate of olives.  And a couple minutes after that, they brought us four containers of dips – eggplant, humous, techina, and red cabbage salad.  They were finishing their family party and hearing our party, wanted us to enjoy what they had rather than take it home – and they assured us that everything was store bought and had a badatz hechsher (kosher supervision).  Only in Israel!  It was really nice and their additions definitely added to the festive feeling.

While everyone was enjoying the cake, ds13 was grilling hot dogs and chicken wings, and checking the potatoes and onions that they had started roasting as soon as they had gotten there to set up.  We also brought a marinated kidney bean salad that dd11 prepared, so there was plenty to eat!

After we all ate, the kids built up the fire again.  As they were doing that, seven bicyclists with flashing red and blue lights headed straight for us.  Our backs were to them, so we didn’t realize until they spoke to us that they had come to check out what we were doing, and that they were policemen!  They were very pleasant and it seems they just wanted to check out what was happening.  After suggesting that we be careful and try not to set the forest on fire – we agreed that would be a good idea – we wished each other a good evening and off they rode.

After that, we sang together by the campfire.  When we’ve gone camping, one of the nicest parts is always the evening meal – building the fire, cooking the food over the grill, eating it, and then singing together.  I miss being able to go camping – without a car it’s not so simple to go to a campground.  The older kids were researching campgrounds last week because they wanted to have their own camping trip, but it was so costly and complicated because of travel that they opted not to pursue that.  Having this tonight was like having the best part of a camping trip, without having to go far from home.

Finally, what campfire would be complete without marshmallows to roast?  The little kids loved being able to do this by themselves, even ds3.  We brought along wafers and they sandwiched the roasted marshmallow between the wafers, our Israeli version of smores.

It was a wonderful evening that we all enjoyed, and it happened thanks to everyone getting involved and doing their part.  My family is growing up and I appreciate every opportunity that we have like this when all of us can be together.  I know it’s not going to stay like this forever, and I savor it while I have it.

Avivah

In the past couple of months, I’ve been doing research on different school options – girls high schools, boys high schools, and even elementary schools.  This isn’t because I’m unhappy with the local choices as much as that I’m looking for schools that best reflect my personal values.  (I’m hoping to find time to write some posts in the next month on the American/Israeli charedi differences and share my thoughts on that with you.)

This Tuesday I called the principal of an elementary school that I’m interested in, and she told me that this Thursday is the last opportunity for interested students to apply for entry for the coming year and be interviewed.  I was glad that I made the call in time and that I didn’t have another appointment for the same day!

I was planning to take the baby with me along with ds6 for his interview, but about ten minutes before I left realized that since I pump and prepare a bottle of my milk for when I’m out with him (we’re in a transitory situation regarding nursing), I could really leave the baby at home and he’d probably be a lot more rested!  On the spur of the moment, I asked ds4 if he wanted to come along, so he rushed to get dressed and then out the three of us went to catch our bus.  From there we went to the central bus station, then onto another bus to another city where the school is located.

I was so happy that I took ds4 along – his eyes were literally shining with excitement as he was looking out the window at all the sights, and he and his brother were so cute sitting and chatting excitedly together on the bus.  I was glad to have a chance to spend with both of them, since recently I haven’t been giving them as much time and attention as I’d like, and this was a great opportunity to be with them without distraction or interruption by anyone or anything else.

We got to the yeshiva, and I was surprised by the big and beautiful campus.  We couldn’t figure how to get in at first, but once we did we found the office and went in.  Since we were early, ds6 was taken for his interview pretty quickly, which lasted for almost an hour.  This didn’t go so well, since he felt intimidated by the new situation and it being in Hebrew, and spoke very hesitantly and quietly – though usually he’s very outgoing and confident.  Though his spoken Hebrew is good and adequate to speak comfortably with his peers, he told me afterward that he didn’t know certain words in Hebrew – eg triangle, rectangle – and therefore couldn’t answer some questions even though he knew the answers.  It’s ironic that his kindergarten teacher joked with her assistant that he shouldn’t bother with first grade, he should just go directly into second because he’s so advanced and constantly was telling me how amazing he was, while the interviewer wasn’t sure if he had an understanding of some basic concepts that even my four year old knows easily!  Emotional context and comfort makes a huge difference in a child’s performance.

In the meantime, I let ds4 take some of the refreshments that had been put out (this kind of thing is a bit of a thrill for a young child who doesn’t get loads of treats at home!), while I scoped out the kids and parents who were arriving.  I was trying to get a sense of who the parent and student body of the school were; I already knew that the focus of the administration was in line with what we like.

I was favorably impressed by the school staff; the parent body seems to be a good match for us, the school values and direction seem to be a good match for us, the local boys who would be in his class are great kids from families who know and like very much, and though we had pretty much decided to transfer ds6 to this school before the interview, I had an increasingly conflicted feeling.

The conflict isn’t because of the school, which I think is a great choice, but because of the distance.  Transportation is provided to and from the school, so there isn’t a logistical issue, but for a young child to spend another two hours a day away from home in order to travel to school is something that I’m not comfortable with.  It means that he’d have to be waiting for his bus at 7 am and come home at 3 pm (with the additional stress to have him at the bus stop on time – it wouldn’t be outside of our house).  It means he would miss eating breakfast and lunch with the rest of us.  It means not walking to school with ds10 and dd11 and missing the relationship building opportunity with them.   (This past year ds13 picked him up from school for the last couple of months of the year, and it was really nice for ds6 to have time with his older brother, especially since ds13 usually gave him fruit to eat on the way home. :))  It means fifteen hours a week (transportation time plus the school day is 30 minutes longer than the local school) that he’d be spending with his peers in an unstructured situation instead of at home where parents and older siblings are keeping an eye on social interactions.

I know that most parents wouldn’t agree with me that any of these points justify not sending him to a better school, with secular and Torah studies on a higher level and a religiously stronger peer group.  But to me, all of the advantages don’t add up to fifteen extra hours away from home every single week – would he really gain so much socially, academically or spiritually to offset the gains of being at home?  I’m not at all confident that would be the case.

So at this point, dh and I have  decided to leave ds6 enrolled at the local school (just a seven minute walk from our home!), because we feel that having more time with our family is a higher value than being in a school that is technically the best fit.  We’re still discussing the possibility of a transfer to this school in the upper elementary grades, but for now, it’s one more decision made and out of the way!

Avivah

A couple of weeks ago I posted about my conversation with the principal of the girls’ high school that we were most interested in for our dd15.  At that time, the principal closed the conversation by telling me that although she felt it was forbidden to allow a girl into their school from a family that used the internet, she would send us their ‘takanon’ (school rules) and if we felt we could abide by them, she’d ask a rabbi a personalized question about our family.

We got the takanon, seven typed pages of mostly rules about modesty in dress. I personally found this very off-putting – our approach to modesty is to model it and talk very little about the technical ‘rules’ with our girls.  Last year when I was visiting Israel, a friend who was a seminary teacher mentioned at a get together in honor of me visiting that ‘you can’t pay girls to look like this nowadays’ (referring to our oldest two girls who were with me).  While I was uncomfortable with this being drawn attention to publicly, modesty is something that isn’t a struggle for dd15.  (Not implying anything about our other girls but this high school situation is about her.)   She has a very strong intrinsic sense of modesty and there’s nothing in her clothing choices that has ever given me pause.

However, despite every single item she owns being in accordance with Jewish law, nothing in her closet was suitable for the takanon.  Her skirts are too long (skirts can only be between the knee and mid calf and hers are a couple of inches above the ankle), her shirts are made of the wrong material (no cotton knits/tricot allowed), her legs aren’t covered with thick enough material (stockings must be 40 denier thick), her hair isn’t modest enough (no bangs allowed or hair partially pulled up), and the list continues.

Why, why, why do schools think that imposing increasingly strict rules on girls makes them more sensitive to modesty?  Modesty isn’t something I struggle with, but I still felt like screaming and running in the other direction when I read this long and burdensome list of rules, which are binding on the student  both in and outside of school, in every social situation.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld has coined the term ‘counterwill’ to explain the pyschological phenomenon that comes into play when a person feels coerced or controlled beyond the limits of the relationship.  That means that if you feel very close to someone and they make a suggestion to pull your hair out of your face, you’re likely to do it.  But without that connection, having someone make the same suggestion causes  you want to dig your heels in and do the exact opposite.  I believe that a lot of the resistance to modesty that we see today that the schools are trying to counter with escalating rules, are ironically actually caused by those rules.

Years ago I was in a small shiur with Rebbetzin Heller when she spoke about modesty.  She stressed the importance of an inside/outside approach – you teach the meaning and beauty of it, and trust women to make external choices that match their inner sensitivity.  At that point, I asked her why it is that virtually all charedi schools teach from an outside/inside approach – stressing the rules and obsessing over minor details, while glossing over the deeper meanings and inspiration about this.  She told me, ‘it’s a problem’.

No kidding it’s a problem.  I actually wonder how many girls with strict school rules regarding modesty would be inspired to dress in the dictated manner if left to their own discretion.  A day after receiving the takanon and going through it together, dd was babysitting for someone and took their children to the park that is frequented by the local kollel wives.  When she came home, she asked me at what point the Bais Yaakov modesty standards that are expected of charedi girls stops being binding – because she noticed that almost all of the kollel wives were dressed very similarly to her (ie fine halachically and in the spirit of modesty, but not meeting these specific rules).  I recently spoke with a couple of Israeli charedi teachers about this takanon, and they both told me that their clothing would also be considered inappropriate by that school.

During another conversation, dd15 also told me that in her current school (which has a very reasonable takanon), they regularly have inspirational speakers come in to talk to the girls.  And she told me she’s so sick of hearing the conclusion to almost all of these talks  – ‘so the next time you’re in the store and buying a skirt, be sure to make sure it’s long enough’.  It’s pretty bad when someone who is naturally so sensitive to this topic is fed up of hearing about it after just nine months in school!  She asked me, isn’t there anything else in the practice of Judaism that they care about?  Don’t they care if someone is trying to be a good person and grow closer to Hashem (G-d)?

Personally, if I were teaching high school girls, the last topic I would broach is modesty.  I think it gets shoved down their throats for years and made into an unnecessary power struggle.  When I give my weekly classes on the parsha (weekly Torah portion), I share messages that I find inspiring about how to live our lives in a meaningful way using the Torah as our guidebook.  That’s what I like hearing now and that’s what I would have wanted to hear more about when I was a high school student, not about long lists of rules and the punishments awaiting me in the next world if I put a finger out of line.  (I recently had a burst of desire to give a weekly class to the high school girls in the local school along these lines – if the principal asks me again to give a class there, instead of refusing her like the last three times she asked, I’m going to suggest this.)

In case you’re wondering about what happened with dd’s school acceptance, we called the school to let them know we were willing to go along with the takanon.  We gave them number of five teachers as well as the city rabbi who were ready to give very warm references about dd and our family, and two other teachers in the community offered to call personal contacts in that school to recommend dd.  However, this clearly wasn’t enough since I got a call from the secretary yesterday telling me they won’t take dd since she comes from a home where there is internet.  (I don’t believe that they called any of the references or asked the personalized rabbinic shaila as I was told they would but it’s their loss.)  It left me wondering why we wasted two weeks following through with this school after our last conversation if it was going to come back to the internet issue anyway!

Though this was frustrating, it’s obvious Hashem doesn’t want dd to be attending this school and He has a better plan and place for her.  We’ll see where that will be and how things will play out for her in the short and long term.  One positive thing is that now I don’t have the internal struggle with going along with an approach to modesty that I find inherently problematic and demotivating.

Avivah

This week, ds6 and I attended the orientation hosted by the school he’ll be attending next year for incoming first graders.  Since I’ve been asked very often about how we made the choice of where to send him, I’ll share about that now.

Earlier this year I felt a lot of pressure about where to register ds6 for first grade.  We strongly favored the educational framework that was provided by Amichai, but in the charedi community, every single family sends their boys to the local Talmud Torah (known as ‘the cheder’).   So this made the decision more complicated – do you send your child where all of your peers are sending (socially better), or do you send your child where you feel they’ll be best served emotionally and educationally?

I was very concerned about the social ramifications of sending our boys to a different school than the boys who locally make up their peer group.   I also thought about how would we as parents be viewed, and how would it skew the way people looked at our family overall.   It’s an unfortunate reality in most societies that people who make choices different than the norm aren’t exactly embraced warmly.

I’ve spent many, many hours over the years thinking of endless angles regarding education and have logged many more hours this year continuing to think about the way new educational situations are manifesting.  I’ve had a number of conversations with people in the community – including Israelis and Americans who grew up here /made aliyah at a young age/made aliyah as parents with school age children – to benefit from their perspectives and experience.  The conversations have included discussion about the elementary school options, where they lead to as far as high school options, where high school choices lead to, and how that works for them as adults.  When we make decisions like this, we try to be aware of the short and long term ramifications rather than the immediate present, so having all of this feedback was important for us because we didn’t want to make a decision without a well-rounded view of the issues involved.

After all of this thinking, the school we’ll be sending ds6 to is Amichai, and this is where we had the first grade orientation yesterday.  Here are some that were a factor in making our decision:

At Amicha, secular subjects taught in addition to Judaic studies, including enrichment classes like music, art, and computers.  The school day is shorter, leaving more time for us to spend together as a family.  This also means there’s more space for the kids to have down time or the opportunity to pursue other interests, which is critical to healthy emotional development.  A shorter day is a huge, huge, huge plus to me.

Something that many find a weakness is that due to the shorter school day and having more secular classes, there’s less time for Torah study.  We feel that with the increased time available to us, in addition to the increased emotional head space of our children due to the shorter hours, we can supplement this at home if at any point we feel it would be necessary.  In general I feel less is often more when it comes to school, so I prefer the enrichment approach to academics rather than overloading kids and burning them out.  (Our approach to teaching Torah and instilling a positive value for a Torah lifestyle is really its own topic.)

I like that there’s a message of joy in living a Torah life rather than a primary focus on obligation and textual skill, that there’s acceptance and tolerance for people of different backgrounds; this meshes well with our value system.  I like the understanding approach of the administration, the way they consider feedback from parents and integrate it.  The principal is a really special man.  I appreciate that my child can be seen for who he is (as much as possible in a school framework) rather than a cog who needs to fit into the institutional wheel.

I think it’s unusual to have an orientation for first graders several months in advance, don’t you?  (If this is standard practice for charedi schools in Israel, please correct me!)  They wanted to give each boy a chance to meet the other boys who will be in their class in a relaxed and unpressured framework.  They had two craft activities for Shavuos followed by snacks.  It was nice that the boys were able to come to the school when no one was there but their parents and a few teachers, go into their future classroom, and be with their future classmates without all the anxiety that comes with the first day of school.

While the boys were doing crafts together, the principal and school psychologist spoke with the parents about the school’s approach to education.  The principal spoke about how much they see parents as active partners in the education of their children, after sharing what the overall philosophy of the school is, as well as their academic focus on Torah and secular subjects.  They have a unique program that is foundational to their approach to Torah – by the end of eighth grade, a student will have familiarity and understanding of all the Rashis  (a primary Torah commentary).  As far as secular studies, they strive to provide a strong secular foundation, though they openly shared that their weakness is in science, as they don’t yet have an independent laboratory.

Part of the admissions procedure for first grade at this school is a meeting of the child with the school psychologist.  Though when I took ds several months ago for his meeting I felt that his evaluation wasn’t reflective of him because he didn’t understand fully what he was being asked to do since his Hebrew was still very rudimentary (his current teacher was very upset when she heard the conclusions since she knew how inaccurate they were) and I wasn’t able to stay with him for the interview to translate, I appreciated the reason they have these interviews.  Their perspective is that they want to have a sense of who each child is before he comes into the school, and they want to know that each child is emotionally ready for first grade.   If a child isn’t ready in some way, they’ll work with a parent to deal with whatever the issue is.  They don’t look at reading and writing skills, though they do assess fine and gross motor coordination.  (They teach reading in first grade rather than expecting incoming first graders to already read, which is what is expected at the other school.  This is also something I appreciate that works with our educational philosophy.)

Something that many parents have expressed concern to me about is that the children in this school come from a range of religious backgrounds rather than the homogeneous backgrounds of the cheder families.  This isn’t something that scares me, since part of my approach to education is to teach children to navigate the outside world – and that includes dealing with people who are different than them – rather than build increasingly higher walls to keep the outside world out.  I don’t like the increased possibility of exposure to the outside world, but I’m prepared to deal with it as a parent and in fact feel it’s my obligation as a parent to make sure my kids have tools to deal with this.  Also, I know very well that it’s an illusion that your child will only have positive influences in his life if all the children are coming from religiously similar homes.  In any case, at the orientation I was  very pleased to see what a nice group the parents were, much more similar to us than I had been led to expect by the comments of others.

The classes at this school are also smaller than at the second school – it looks like ds6’s class right now will be between 12 – 15 boys, versus about 22 (these numbers may shift with enrollment that takes place between now and then but for now are accurate).  This school is certainly closer to American values than the cheder, and I’ve been told that the chief Ashkenazi rabbi of the city would very much like to see American families sending to this school since he thinks that it will be a win-win – it will strengthen the school at the same time that it will provide parents with an education that most closely matches their expectations.

I’m writing this to share my own experience, not to tell anyone else why they made a mistake to send their children somewhere else or to tell anyone moving here to send to this school.  Unfortunately there’s inaccurate information about this school that is being passed around to people visiting, and it’s inaccurate by virtue of all the people talking about it having no personal experience with the school – it’s what the parents at the second school all tell each other about it!  My decisions are based very solidly in my parenting philosophy, and what is right for each family will be different depending on the needs of their children as well as what their long term goals are.  As of now, I’m the only person in the charedi community of Karmiel to have children in both of the schools I’ve mentioned, and so I think that I do have a balanced perspective as someone who has an insider’s perspective to each.

Avivah