Category Archives: aliyah

First prenatal appointment today

aliyah, pregnancy

When pregnant with my past three children, I called my midwife early on to let her know I was expecting.  When I was three months along, my monthly appointments with her began, with my midwife coming to my home each time.  (For the midwife I used the two births before this, I went to her office every month.)

And now I’m far from my fantastic midwife and I very much feel caught between the medical system and what I want to do.  What I want is regular prenatal care with the midwife who will be attending my birth.  However, that midwife lives too far away for that to be an option.  So that leaves two choices: go without any prenatal care, or go to the local heath clinic.

I had very mixed feelings about this; thank G-d I had healthy and uncomplicated pregnancies, but I don’t like the idea of having no prenatal care at all.  It doesn’t seem responsible to me.  I went into the local clinic to find out about making an appointment for prenatal care, which is taken care of by the nurses – you know, the basics like blood pressure, urine dipstick test, heartbeat, fundal measurement.  They told me they can’t provide that for me until I see an obstetrician first, so it will be officially confirmed that I’m pregnant.  (I was twenty weeks along by that point, and looked down at my midsection and was like, “Are you joking?”)

But I also wasn’t sure how to approach choosing a doctor here, since I need someone who will be willing to sign off on my homebirth paperwork (certifying that I’m pregnant and then after birth signing a form that I had a baby, which is needed to get a national identity number for the baby).  I was procrastinating about making an appointment with an ob because of my concern about how to deal with this paperwork issue, especially after I was told that the health insurance rules are that I have to stick with this doctor (whom I’ve never met) for the entire pregnancy.  I finally decided to go ahead and make an appointment with one of the obs on my health insurance plans, and hope for the best when it comes time to get the paperwork signed.

The doctor that I chose supposedly spoke English, which is why I chose her, but when I got there she told me she only reads English.  Okay, whatever.  I can communicate in Hebrew so it’s fine.  Having been used to the initial intake meeting with the midwife, in which I was asked specifics about every single birth, I was a little surprised to only be asked, “How many children?  Any miscarriages?  Are you healthy?  Date of last period?  Any immediate family members with health issues?”  Ehe noted my one word answers and that was the extent of the intake, except for clicking her tongue that I didn’t have prenatal care until now.

She asked if I want the detailed ultrasound that is usually done about twenty weeks and warned me that it’s almost too late in the pregnancy to have it done and get accurate feedback.  And I was like, “oh, too bad, Pesach is this coming week and it seems like it will be too late for me to get it done afterward”.   She agreed.  Not that I would have had it done anyway, but I don’t see any reason to make an issue of everything if I don’t need to!

My midwife used a fetoscope, which is my preference, but this is a lost art and I assumed the ob would check the heartbeat today with a doppler.  I was surprised that she actually had a mini ultrasound machine in the room to use.  It was pretty quick and since proof of a fetal heartbeat is something the nurses said I need to have before I can go on to get prenatal care, not something I was going to argue about.   Now I won’t have to have it done again until before birth, since my midwife said she needs confirmation that the baby is head down, and it seems doctors don’t know how to tell by externally palpation anymore (something else that is becoming a lost art).

I left with a few blood tests I’m supposed to get done; I told her I won’t do the gestational diabetes test that you have to drink a sugary drink for, but she said there’s a blood test for that, too.  I don’t really think any of these tests are necessary, but you know why I’m doing them?  It’s a proactive move to have it in my medical records, which will be helpful so I don’t look like a whacko woman who has refused everything when I need to get my homebirth paperwork signed.  A blood test won’t do anything questionable to the to baby, and I don’t see any reason to make a stand about something that really doesn’t matter.  You have to choose your battles!

Overall my visit today was a positive experience in that it wasn’t negative.  No, it was nothing like the personal care and concern that I had with a midwife, but that was okay.  I accept that I have to work within the constraints of the local medical system.  It means making compromises but that’s life; you can’t always have what you want the way you want it.  I consider myself fortunate for the prenatal care I’ve been able to have with fantastic midwives for my last five pregnancies.  ‘m really grateful that for my last five births I have had what I wanted.

The paperwork issue has been a source of tension for me, wondering how it will work out. There’s a very good chance that I’m the first person in this city who is having a homebirth with an unlicensed midwife, and that the doctors here have never seen this paper or know what it’s about.  I’m going to stay positive about this doctor being willing to sign my paperwork.  If she doesn’t agree to sign, the only option I’ll have to speak to the health insurance company,  insist on having my ob changed, travel to see a doctor who has signed this paperwork for others in Jerusalem (three hour bus ride away), and then go back to this same doctor in Jerusalem within a couple of days of giving birth.  I don’t mind traveling when pregnant, but traveling right after birth isn’t my idea of fun.  So thinking positively is what I need to do!

Avivah

Seven month aliyah update: emotional transitioning

aliyah, Parenting

Today marks seven months since we’ve moved to Israel!

I’ve been thinking alot about making a big lifestyle transition like this – I don’t know if you can overstate what is involved.  Some people are so flexible and fluid that they won’t be as aware of the transitions they have to make on a daily basis, while others will be aware of every bit of effort.  I’ve seen this with a number of people, including our own family.

Dh and I were recently discussing how each of our children has transitioned to living in Israel.  Two of our middle kids have been having the most difficulty, and I commented to him that we have to remember that seven months isn’t really that long a time.  I’ve heard people say that for adults it takes about three years of living here to really feel integrated, with constant and gradual adaptations that need to be made during that time.  I don’t think it takes children that long, but I do think that 1 – 2 years is very reasonable for children of this age.

Had we moved to a city with lots of English speakers, I think in some ways the transition would have been easier for the kids – at least in the short term.  The older kids (13, 15, 17) are all glad we came specifically to a place without many Anglos, and told me that they definitely have been forced to learn Hebrew much faster and better than they would have in an Anglo enclave.  It was important to me that my kids learned Hebrew, and it’s well-known that in Anglo enclaves the kids are delayed in this area, and often don’t learn to speak Hebrew well.

But for those who are having a hard time picking up the language, friendships aren’t happening for them, and this is something that isn’t an issue for them when they interact with English speakers.  Dd11’s tutor was at our bar mitzva seven weeks ago, and saw her interacting very comfortably and animatedly with English speaking guests – the tutor told me later that when she saw this, she realized that this was who dd11 really was, not the shadow of personality they see in school.  It totally changed her picture of her.

I think we’re fortunate in that I’ve never placed a huge emphasis on friendships outside the family, and this experience of not having friends would be much more painful if they were used to their social orbit being filled by peers.  Our children still have each other, and this isn’t a small thing.  However, I think it’s difficult for them to spend hours in an environment every day in which they are basically social wallflowers.

I think a lot about how to support them in this, and take a two pronged attitude towards this.  One is that I try to support their Hebrew language learning at home.  The other isn’t concrete, but I feel is much more significant – I work to shore up the relationship with them, the goal being that their inner needs for emotional connection and being known are being met.  I want them to have a full enough sense of themselves that they can withstand the daily beating that their self-esteem is taking.  It still won’t be fun for them, but at least it won’t be too damaging.  That’s my goal, anyway.   Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains that a parent can protect a child without even being physically present, by having established a strong and deep emotional attachment with them – because what you think of them informs their self-image more than what those around them think of them.

A couple of quick points about what a transition to a new country entails.  The first thing that comes to mind is the language.  When you can’t express yourself, you can’t be seen for who you are, and it is very difficult to interact with others knowing that they really can’t see you for yourself.  Since one of the deepest desires of a human is to be truly known and valued, language struggles aren’t just a superficial issue.

Since moving means leaving behind your family and friends, you’re leaving behind your emotional base at a time when you are most challenged to replace it.  It’s a lonely feeling.  This can be alleviated by moving to a place with more Anglos and a wider support system, but that doesn’t yet exist here.  We were very much on our own, and I think our expectation that we’d have to be our own support network was what saved us from the frustrations and compounded difficulties that others experienced who came here expecting more outside support.

Another issue is that different cultures have different unspoken rules.  I’ve tried to teach my children to be polite and considerate, and the way these qualities are expressed here are different; I’m not sure that what in the US was constantly commented favorably upon serves them well now.  Ds13 told me he realized that when he spoke in a way to his peers that would have been understood as being nice in the US, boys didn’t respond well to it.  He has learned that here, being very direct is respected, and has changed his communication style with his peers as a result.

This is a reality among all cultures – there are inherent differences even when there’s a common language.  I had a British neighbor (who later became a good friend) who early on in our relationship told me how frustrating it was to speak with me – what to an American was considered friendly and open seemed intrusive and nosy to her.  So I learned to tone down my ‘Americanness’ when I spoke with her.    And here we’ll all need time to learn the culture and figure out how to effectively be part of it without losing who we are.

All in all, I think we’re in a good place.  Some of us are thriving, others are getting used to things more slowly.  No one says they are unhappy or wish we didn’t come.  However, time takes time, and I think it’s important to allow each of our family members their own time frame for adjustment.

If you have experience or insights with living in a culture different from one you were raised in, I’d love it if you shared!  How long did it take you to really feel like part of your new culture?  Did you ever really make the transition?  Whether you did or didn’t, what do you think were the critical factors for your experience?

Avivah

Preparing for our first Purim in Israel

aliyah, miscellaneous

Yesterday I really felt such a strong sense of Purim literally being in the air in the way that is unique to Israel!

The kids all had Purim fairs/parties at school, and dressed in costume before they left.  (I wasn’t sure how this was all going to come together, but the night before the three girls all figured out how to use what they had and came up with great costumes, and I found a way to make suitable headgear for ds9, Moshe (Moses) the shepherd.)

The middle kids and up all had to prepare individual mishloach manos for a classmate – I would have welcomed some advance notice on this because I don’t love having to take care of things like this at the last minute.  But we got a notice that afternoon that they needed to bring something the next day, so dd15 went to the mall with dd11 and ds9, and got stuff for them.  Very nice for me to have older kids and for the middles, very nice to have older siblings! They came home and said the place was hopping with all of their classmates, almost none of whom they ever see there; everyone else was out shopping for the same thing!

When the kids came home the next day from their parties, they were all holding  the mishloach manos they had received, party treats, etc and shared about all the fun Purim activities they had that day.  When I looked outside I saw the sidewalks filled with children of all ages in costume, music was blaring nearby as part of a pre-Purim carnival (dd15 went with a couple of younger siblings to check it out but unfortunately returned quickly when she saw it wasn’t exactly appropriate), the sun was shining and the sky was that gorgeous Mediteranean blue, the buses were backed up in traffic to let all of the kids celebrating go by….just beautiful!

I hoped to go shopping for supplies for our mishloach manos that afternoon (Tuesday), but by the time 4 pm arrived, decided I’d be facing the crowds and I’d be better off doing it the next morning when I had more energy.  Today all the kids except ds13 were off of school (though he stayed home because he wasn’t feeling well), so dd15 and dd11 accompanied me on my errands.  That’s something that used to happen all the time but this was the first time since we moved that they both came with me; it was actually dd11’s first time going shopping with me at all!

I was pleasantly surprised to see that none of the stores were packed – maybe it was just the last minute people like me who were shopping this morning?  Or maybe I got lucky and happened to hit a lull in the shopping?  Whatever it was, I was grateful since it made the experience much more pleasant.

I had a plan for what I wanted to send for mishloach manos (challah rolls and tomato dip), but then couldn’t find containers for the dip, so I had to readjust on the spot when all I found was bigger containers – so I’ll send a salad instead.  You can only work with what you have!

Dh took ds2 and ds4 to shul for the megillah (Book of Esther) reading tonight, while I stayed home with ds5 who was sick and listened to a Torah lecture online about Purim.  I listened to a different lecture last night, and yet another one a couple of weeks ago at our monthly women’s gathering.  I find listening to lectures a helpful tool to go into the holiday feeling spiritually prepared – I really encourage everyone to take time to get some insight on the deeper meaning of the day since it’s too easy to get caught up in the extreme busyness and physicality of Purim.  I toyed with the idea of posting some thoughts that I found inspiring but unfortunately I won’t have time to write it up in time for anyone to benefit on Purim itself!  Meanwhile, the other kids when to a different  reading.  Then while I went to a later megillah reading, dd15 made a big batch of challah dough and dd17 made yet another batch of hamantaschen.

It’s almost midnight now but we’re waiting for the challah rolls to finish baking before going to sleep.  Ds13, dd11, and dd15 are all staying up as well, so I have lots of good company!

Avivah

Tzfat vacation activities

aliyah

We arrived in the ancient and holy city of Tzfat (Safed) on Friday afternoon, and were hosted for dinner and lunch for Shabbos by two different families.  On Saturday night, we had a melave malka with friends who I originally ‘met’ online via an international listserve for Orthodox Jewish homeschoolers.  They visited the US about five years ago and we met at that time, when we had the chance to host them for Shabbos.

Late that evening when we returned, dh drove home with dd11 and dd17, and everyone else stayed with me.  On Sunday morning, we went to the Old City of Tzfat and visited the English Speaker’s Library, where we were able to check out a number of books.  We are a family to whom a library is very important, and though we’ve made do with the resources we have available locally, it’s SO nice to be able to get the physical books in our hands!  I now have several choices for readalouds with the kids – it’s a good position to be in.  🙂

We headed from there to a second hand shop, but were stopped numerous times by animated groups of girls who wanted to take their pictures with us, while holding a sign that said something about Purim.  It seems they had a school activity which was something like a treasure hunt – some of the explanations we were given were: they needed a picture of them with a girl wearing a long skirt, someone with blond hair, someone with blue eyes, someone wearing a red shirt – there were other criteria and it seemed that our family met the different criteria needed by every single group we passed! For each of these pictures, the person/people in our family posed with the girls who needed it, but by the third time a group exclaimed excitedly over ds4, he hid behind me – he was a good sport but it was a little overwhelming for a little kid.  I was laughing to the kids that when these different groups of girls later look at the pictures they gathered, they’re going to see the same family in all of them!  We definitely felt part of the pre-Purim spirit.

After that we went to a couple of second hand shops, which are only open in the earlier part of the day.  We didn’t find much, but I did find two pairs of shoes for dd11, which was great. And it sounds funny that I think it was good that I didn’t find much, but now I can put the second hand clothes possibilities in Tzfat out of my mind – I had heard there might be good shopping there, but it  wouldn’t be worth a trip of its own.  By the time we finished at the library and stores, we had already been out for a while and the littles were tired – there’s a lot of walking in Tzfat – so we decided to head for home and come back to the Old City later in the day.

Did I mention there’s a lot of walking in Tzfat?  It bears mentioning again.  Since moving to Israel, I do a lot of walking and my stamina is pretty good, but my calf muscles were screaming in pain by the time I got back to Karmiel.  The last time I remember anything like this was on my trip to Israel last year when I was walking six or seven hours a day (and being used to being pretty sedentary thanks to usually driving everywhere in a car in the US), while wearing my new negative incline Earth shoes (which work the leg muscles just by walking) that I hadn’t broken in while still in the US.  This time, it took me three days after getting home for my legs to feel normal again.   The entire city is on a mountain and it’s up and down and up and down – nothing is close to where you want to go.  I took a stroller down a mountain path that was so steep that it was better suited to mountain goats than  people (it was a big shortcut that saved us a lot of time and the option was walking down the mountain via lots of wind-y roads).  I learned that you can’t believe anyone who lives in Tzfat when they tell you how long it takes to walk somewhere – they are totally skewed since their endurance is well beyond the rest of us mortals and you have to at least double the time and effort they tell you is involved.

Anyway.  Just to tell you that walking a lot is part of the Tzfat experience so doing anything takes a lot of physical effort.  🙂  After we got home and everyone had lunch, rested, and played, we went back into town late that afternoon.  We stopped first at Safed Candles, which has some amazing wax sculptures that the kids and I were all impressed by.  Dh knows the artist who is responsible for the bulk of the incredibly creative candles they have, who a while back told dh he’d be happy to give us a personal tour if we came to Tzfat.  But he wasn’t available on Friday afternoon which was the only time dh was available so we contented ourselves with browsing through the displays in the stores, which was well worth our time.  Safed Candles has a lot of fun sculptures, like a huge Noah’s Ark filled with familiar cartoon animals from various movies (eg Winnie the Pooh, The Lion King), as well as religious depictions and some sculptures that combine the religious and contemporary.

After that, we went to the Ari Ashkenazi shul.  Tzfat is filled with ancient synagogues, but that’s not really interesting to little children, so this was the only one I took them to.  When we got there, it was it was between the afternoon and evening services, when they don’t want tourists around, but I really wanted my kids to see this very holy place.  I had read a little bit about the shul at the above link, and was able to point out the wood carvings with the lion and it’s human-looking face on the Holy Ark to all of the kids. This may not have been interesting for them, but it was important for me personally and I would have felt a loss if I had only focused on doing what the kids were interested in.

After that, ds13 was asked to help make a minyan in a synagogue right next to the Ari shul, so I walked around with ds4 through some courtyards while we waited.  I wanted to go the Artist Colony, but again, that wouldn’t be interesting for the kids.  So we instead went for a stroll down the midrachov (which translates to something like big sidewalk, but basically means the popular shopping area).

We very soon came upon a store that was hopping with customers – it was a store selling Purim costumes and miscellaneous related supplies.  It was such an nice feeling to see everyone preparing for Purim, which like all Jewish holidays, is celebrated nationally in Israel.  So nice to be part of the religious majority after living our lives as the minority!  After pushing through the crowded aisles, we found a section with Purim masks and more costume stuff that even the older kids found very fun.

Dd15 and I took ds2 and ds4 with us to a store down the block to find her some tops, and left the other kids together enjoying the Purim costumes and other goodies.  We didn’t have much luck in the clothing department, and when we came out, it was starting to sprinkle.  By this time the littles were ready for dinner and bed, so dd15 and I headed for home, and left the middles to enjoy wandering around by themselves.  I love that this is something that as a responsible parent you can do here!  In the US I literally took them everywhere and constantly had my eyes on them; I had difficulty agreeing to let my ds12 bike with some friends a few blocks away to buy a Slurpy.  I felt it was borderline risky, and I definitely wouldn’t have let him go himself.  But here, I was fine letting ds13, the twelve year old son of our host and ds9 (I can’t remember if I let ds5 stay with them or not- I know he wanted to!) walk around a city our kids had no familiarity with after dark.  I know, Israel is such a dangerous country, isn’t it?  😛

The next morning, our host drove by the local petting zoo and checked the opening times for me, and also told me that the entrance fee was ten shekels a person (she had thought it was less, but the prices had gone up).  Regardless of the increase, I still wanted the kids to be able to go, so we loaded up the stroller and all began our hike up the mountain that is Tzfat, accompanied by an eight year old homeschooler who my boys had become friendly with.

The weather had been really nice all weekend, but was especially warm and beautiful that day.  We took a shortcut (up a steep path behind a store, then up a bunch of steps- it’s amazing my stroller is still in one piece!), and so the walk was only thirty minutes.  Or maybe a little less?  It didn’t seem too short, with even my older kids asking when we were going to get there.  When we got there, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that the entrance was free that day!

The petting zoo was pretty small, but still very nice.  There were rabbits, guinea pigs, lots of different kinds of pheasants and other birds, and lemurs.  Then the duck pond had a number of ducks as well as swans.  In another area, were chickens, peacocks, emus, and deer.  I’m guessing that the entrance was free because there weren’t so many animals available for viewing/petting.  But I didn’t mind.  Because we were there during school hours, for most of our visit we were the only ones there, and I was able to let the kids run around and keep an eye on them all while sitting in one central place.  It was so relaxing!

I was there for quite a while – we had packed a light picnic lunch to enjoy there- but dd15 and ds13 stayed for a short while before asking if they could walk around the Old City together.  I was happy to let them have time exploring without having to take into account the littles, who go much more slowly, and walking with a stroller is limiting because the entire city is connected via steep flights of stairs.  They were out for a few hours and had a really nice time together.

There was a pony there, but though they usually offered rides for an additional fee, that day weren’t offering the rides at all.  Too bad, since I would have gladly paid for all the kids to have a ride.  However, the kids were having a good time and didn’t mind.  There was also a playground, and while we were there, one of the workers took out a hedgehog to show a visiting adult friend.  Since our kids were there, they got to hear the details about it as well as to pet it and watch it close up.  It’s nice to be able to enjoy simple pleasures, and this zoo was one of them.  Nothing fancy, but the kids had a really nice time and I found it very relaxing.

We went back to where we were staying, knowing it was time to pack up and head home.  Ds2 fell asleep, so I put him in bed while I made lunch and the rest of the boys enjoyed playing outside with their new friends.  Ds13 and dd15 got home just as lunch was ready, so we all ate outside on the covered porch in the warm sunlight, looking out at the beautiful views.

Finally, it was time to leave, and we took a couple of taxis to the central bus station and headed home.  The ride home was relatively uneventful – only one child threw up on the bus (fortunately I had foreseen this possibility since the winding roads lend themselves to nausea and was prepared with empty sandwich bags and extra tissues).  By the time we got home, it was after 6 pm, and we were all pretty tired.

Even though they are just a 45 minute drive from each other, Tzfat is the opposite of Karmiel in every way – physically, historically, socially  – and it really was a change of pace to spend a few days there.  We enjoyed ourselves so much and I feel very fortunate that we were able to go!

Avivah

Our Tzfat vacation accommodations

aliyah, Parenting

We initially thought to go to Tzfat last week, but dd15 had a school commitment that she didn’t want to back out of, so we pushed our trip off for a week.  This worked out to be a fortuitous arrangement, since that weekend was extremely cold and wet, and it would have literally put a real ‘damper’ on our trip!

We rescheduled for this week, but not having been here long, didn’t think to consider the consequences of planning for something around the beginning of the Hebrew month of Adar.  All of a sudden, all the kids had parties and trips planned for exactly these few days!  I was a little dismayed, since I really was looking forward to a few days of togetherness with our family.  We had planned to leave on Thursday, but pushed this off until early afternoon on Friday, to accomodate the Thursday activities, and then resigned myself to the fact that some of us would have to leave early.  I miss the days of everyone being on the same schedule….

After some research and deliberation, we realized it would be less expensive to rent a van for a couple of days than pay for bus fares for everyone on the way there (some of us later took the bus home).  In between the week we had been invited for originally and this weekend, dh had gotten a job and wouldn’t be able to be with us for more than Shabbos.  Dd11 had a two day trip to Mt. Hermon (the location for snow activities in Israel) Sun/Mon and dd17 had a three day school trip Mon/Tues/Wed.  Ds13 missed a lot of school when his best friend was here and didn’t want to miss anymore (though he decided in the end to stay on with me in Tzfat).   So those kids planned to travel back home with dh on Saturday night.

It was nice being able to drive there, since we had sleeping bags and a box of food supplies that we wouldn’t have been able to take on the bus (I would have shopped at the local grocery if I couldn’t have done this).  It just made everything so much easier!  It took just 45 minutes to get from Karmiel to Tzfat.  When we got there, our hostess served everyone homemade pizza (I told her before coming that since I know what a hectic time this can be, I was coming prepared to take care of providing this meal for us), and this was a nice treat for the kids.

After that, we unpacked our stuff.  First I have to share about our accommodations, which were the first big step to our wonderful visit, and something that continued to enhance every single day there.  The vacation until we had is in the first straw bale home ever built in Israel.   There was a large bedroom for the children with four beds and two additional mattresses that our hosts put in for us.  We brought sheets but they provided blankets and pillows, which was a huge help since those things would have been so bulky to bring along.  There was a smaller bedroom with two single beds.  Dh and I took the smaller room, and ds2 slept with me.  For Shabbos, a couple of the kids doubled up on one bed; after that, everyone had their own bed (except me, since ds2 was happy to keep me as his familiar bed partner while we were there).

There was a small kitchenette and eating area, a bathroom, and a large covered outdoor porch, where the kids played with games and toys that we borrowed from our hosts, and where we also gathered to eat together on our last day when it was really warm outside.

While we were unpacking, the littles quickly made themselves at home.  The property is at the end of a street, backing up to a mountain, and there was so much space and freedom for them to wander around the property.  The view is simply amazing – they are at the edge of a cliff and all buildings are below their home, so the view is unobstructed and you can see the mountains all around you.  (You can get a tiny peek of the view here – imagine that one mountain you see multiplied by them all around.)   I see beautiful views often in Israel, but this one was incredible.  Ds4 was walking with me on the lower level of the property, stopped and looked out at the view, and said, “It’s so boo-tiful here, Mommy!”

They usually have dairy goats, which I would have loved for the kids to see and interact with, but they were temporarily away and wouldn’t be back until the following week.  I also had hopes of buying some raw goats’ milk while staying there, which obviously wasn’t possible!  There was a chicken running around the front yard, which ds5 began chasing (our hostess told him he’s welcome to chase her, that the reason she’s the only one of their chickens that wasn’t killed by stray dogs or mongooses is because she’s so fast); the chicken never seemed to mind and the littles who chased her during our days there had fun, too.  They enjoyed their dog, were fascinated by their parakeets and cockatiel, and when one of the littles saw the guinea pig, told me that ‘they have a rat’ in a cage.

Mostly there was plenty of time and space for them to run around, and they enjoyed meeting the children of our hosts, who they spent hours playing outside with.  I knew that living in an apartment and constantly being aware of noise levels was a bit wearing on me, and while we were in Tzfat,  I really recognized how much tension this has caused me – because all of that was totally gone.  I appreciated this literally every time one of us moved a chair or dropped something, that I wasn’t feeling the need to monitor all of our daily life sounds.

The boys played lots of ball, climbed the mountainous cliff behind the house, and ds5 brought me ‘sour stuff’ to eat’ – he learned to identify wild growing sorrel.  Yes, we did other things and I’ll share more about that in my next post, but they were pretty much outside all day long, and when it was time for bed, they were asleep within a few minutes.

Avivah

Perfect timing for a family vacation!

aliyah, Homemaking

I’ve just spent a few days away with my family, and had the most relaxing time since moving to Israel!

Exactly a year ago, our family spent five days in Colonial Williamsburg.  As we were walking through the historic village, dh and I were discussing the possibility of moving to Israel.  We were coming to the conclusion that we’d make the move.  And I remember expressing to dh a bit of sadness that our trip to Colonial Williamsburg, which was fantastic, was the last one we were likely to take.  I knew that if we moved to Israel, our reality (at least initially) would preclude funds and a vehicle to make outings and trip as frequent as they were for us in the US, and that thought made me sad.

When we moved here in August, it was just a week and a half before the school year started, and we jumped immediately into real life – no time (or money) for enjoying trips in our new country.  I’ve always appreciated and enjoyed going places with our children, and as grateful as I am for the reality of waking up every day in Israel, I do have a bit of wistfulness about not currently being in a position to actively explore the country.  Public transportation is expensive and complicated for a family our size, and finding a place to stay overnight on a budget with a big family isn’t easy.  And on the savings we’ve tried hard to stretch until we have income coming in, there really wasn’t room for the luxury of a big trip.

All of this background is just to go and show you that G-d cares about and provides for even our small wants!  Just a couple of weeks ago, someone from Tzfat (Safed) called to invite our family for Shabbos!   This was someone I met 3.5 years ago, when the wife was visiting the US and stayed at our home for Shabbos, and we touched base again after moving here when I called her to ask about school options in her area.  They have a two bedroom vacation unit attached to their home that we’d be able to use, and were fine with us coming for a couple days longer than just Shabbos.   Wasn’t that wonderful?

I’ll write in another post about our trip!

Avivah

 

Six month aliyah update: finding employment

aliyah

It hasn’t been even a year yet since we decided to move to Israel, but one of the things that was a very big concern about considering making this move was the issue of employment.  We know people who had lost their jobs in the US and were doing so badly there, that they figured they might as well live in Israel and struggle here.  And we know of others who saved for many years, sold homes that had dramatically increased in value, came with very significant financial resources behind them, had some kind of US based income (pension, the ability to continue working for their US employers from a distance)…but that wasn’t our situation.

My husband was employed at a position where he was making a decent income, but since aliyah was a sudden possibility, we didn’t have years of financial planning behind us in making the move.  Nor did we have the financial perks that come with being a new immigrant (free flight, absorption stipends – this would have amounted to over $60,000 for a family our size moving to the north).   Leaving the security of a regular salary and moving to another country to start over with a large family support was an intimidating proposition.  Especially since I’m a financially conservative person who avoids debt to the best of my ability.

I knew with certainty that G-d provided for us in the US, and He would provide for us in Israel- He’s not limited by our geographical location.  This intellectual belief is what made me comfortable with the idea of moving here, even though it would mean using all of our financial resources without knowing how long we’d be without an income.  But emotionally, I literally every single day for at least the first two months after deciding to move, felt almost overwhelmed with fears about what we were doing.  To overcome this, I worked very intensively on feeling (rather than knowing) trust in G-d.  (And I blogged very little at that time because it was such a sensitive process, though now I wish I had because it was very powerful.)

We hoped that dh would find work within three months  (based on the feedback of a gifted intuitive who I had spoken with about issues that she had great insight on), so we planned financially for four months without an income.  Three months came and went, four months, five months – and the Friday of ds13’s bar mitzva, dh had an interview and came home with the exciting news that he was hired!

This was very exciting, although it was in the extreme busyness of the bar mitzva preparations that he told us, so our responses were somewhat mitigated by all that we were doing right then to get everything organized.  Dh was told he was being hired in a outsourcing capacity for the first year (I don’t know what the actual term is – they would send him work and he’d be paid hourly for it by them) and then brought on as a salaried employee after a year.  He was very impressed by the company hiring him for a number of reasons, and the starting salary was decent, enough for us to live on.

But days went by and they didn’t contact him with work, and they weren’t following up with other things.  So as impressed as he was with them initially, he couldn’t continue to consider himself hired without getting work and a salary!  He interviewed a week ago with a smaller company, and came home rather negative about it for various reasons.  He said he was offered a job, but the starting salary was half of what he was offered before (the first offer was the industry standard for starting rates).  After a year, it would gradually go up to the starting salary offered at the first company, and he needed to commit to stay with them for a year (or two? can’t remember now).

We both know that you have to start somewhere, and getting your foot in the door for the first time is the hardest part.  We weren’t approaching this as Americans who don’t understand the salary differences between here and the US, and he wasn’t insistent that he start at the top of the totem pole by any means.  But this seemed like a really low place to have to start.  (In case you missed the implications of this salary, it would be half of what we needed for our very frugal standard.)

We talked about it and agreed he’d turn it down, but then he spoke with a couple people who have been in the business for a long time who he has developed a good relationship since moving here (he plays tennis with one of them twice a week :)).  They told him to research the head of the company, and when he did, he got very good feedback – honest, hardworking, etc.  So they told him to take the job, that he’d learn a lot and get good experience of working here in Israel, but not to commit to continue working with him for a year.  And that’s what he did.

Dh started working this week, exactly six months after arriving.  (If you’re wondering how our finances held up, well, you know already that I’m very frugal, right? 🙂 It’s a good thing I didn’t know from the outset that we’d be in that situation for so long because I couldn’t have visualized managing so long without income.)  And I am so, so happy to say that he’s already loving it! He’s working from home, something he’s dreamed of doing for years, and this is work that he’s so well suited for.  (Not sharing personal details on this field, other to say that it’s something he had experience with in the past – though not in an official capacity – and did additional training here when he arrived.)

To find work after six months is actually considered pretty fast!  Dh has really applied himself from day 1 to staying focused and every single day, putting in hours learning new skills, networking, and learning more skills.  Right after moving in, we made our walk-in closet into an office for him so he’d be able to focus on his work, and he treated his preparing for a job as a job – he didn’t get discouraged when it was taking time, and he continued to believe that he’d find something suitable within a decent time frame.  And he was right.   (I personally consider his ability to master his fears and stay positive in spite of everything, including feedback from everyone about how hard it is to find work here, the discrimination for people above age 40, to be a very impressive accomplishment – it took constant conscious effort.)

As far as the income, am I worried?  Well, to be very honest, right after he accepted the job I was having a hard time getting too excited about this precisely because of the pay scale.  That’s why I didn’t post about it in the beginning of the week.  But now that I’ve seen how my dh is taking to this work like a duck takes to water, and I really believe that when a person has positive energy, good things will be drawn to them.  Seeing his feedback has made me 100% positive about him accepting this job, and I’m confident that it will lead to continued good things for our family!

Avivah

Dealing with Israeli army

aliyah

In Israel, there is a mandatory draft into the army of males and females over the age of 18.  There are exemptions, or more commonly, deferments, but one has to quality for these.

Before we moved here to Israel, I made some calls to clarify what would happen to my oldest two children with regards to the army: my oldest daughter would turn 17 soon after moving here, and the initial enlistment notices arrive at that age.  My oldest son would turn 18 six weeks before arriving, and I wanted to be prepared in advance so we wouldn’t stumble into a situation that would force him into army service immediately after arriving.  (My husband is exempt due to his age and family size.)

(Those of you reading who are already getting upset by the mention of an 18 year old who isn’t interested in immediately serving in the IDF, realize that my children were raised in the US with no expectation or even concept of serving in the army and this is a foreign idea to them.)

Here’s what I was told.  Religious girls are given the choice of exemption or national service, but they need to bring proof from an Israeli rabbinate that they are in fact Orthodox.   Regarding ds18, I was told that as a returning minor, he had an automatic deferment for a year before he would be called up.

When dd turned 17, she got her pre-draft notice, and traveled to Haifa to the rabbinate to get authorization of her religious status.  Along with the notice was a note stating that the authorization needed to be mailed to the army.  But there was no address given!  She was given a date that she needed to show up for her pre-draft appointment, but dh called the office to postpone the appointment date to give the letter she sent time to arrive.   He was called a little later by an army representative, wanting to know why she missed her appointment date, and dh explained that it had been postponed to allow time for her paperwork to get there.

I didn’t know anything about this until the next day.  I got a call from someone who demanded, “Where is (name of dd)?”  I consider this very rude telephone protocol, and told them she wasn’t home that moment and that I’d like to know who he was.  He said they were calling from the army, and told me she missed her appointment with them.  I explained that her appointment date had been changed, and she had mailed her religious authorization in the meantime.  Suddenly he said to me, “Is your husband also an American?  Does he speak like you, with an accent?”  This same person had spoken to my husband just the day before,  and knew that we had taken care of anything, but continued on to tell me that if we don’t get the paperwork to them, they’ll (fill in the blank with some stuff that was supposed to intimidate me but I didn’t understand all the army terms except for ‘medical physical’).  Then he told me he’ll grant an extension until Mar. 1 (we already had an official extension and hadn’t missed the appointment but whatever).   When I got off the phone, I learned that he had told dh the exact same thing the day before, including making his ‘generous’ offer of giving us until Mar. 1 to have the paperwork in.  So much for efficiency – he didn’t even have the grace to be embarrassed to be threatening us for something we had taken care of already.  Anyway, hopefully she’ll soon receive her exemption.

Now as for ds18, whose situation is much more complicated and frustrating. Based on what I was told by NBN (and I think also the Israeli embassy in DC), I thought we had a year until he’d get a draft notice.  When we were getting Israeli passports for everyone else, ds17’s was delayed because due to his age, he had to get a temporary three month army deferment before he’d be allowed into the country.  So between the 3 month deferment and the one year exemption, I thought we were set.

Very soon after getting here (maybe six weeks?), ds18 received his enlistment notice.  This wasn’t what we were expecting, but were sure it would be quickly straightened out, since he is not only a returning minor, but a full-time yeshiva student (both of which would qualify him for a deferment).  This proved to be very positive thinking on our part.

Since my dh took care of all of this, I’m sure I’ll mix up the technical terms and the order of things.  So I’m going to fast forward from all that they’ve done to where we’re at today, except to say that what we were told about him getting an automatic deferment for a year was totally false.   Dh and ds18 have spent numerous hours on the phone and in person for the last few months trying to get things straightened out.  Really, you wouldn’t think this would be so complicated since thousands of yeshiva students have gotten deferments and it’s a common process.  Maybe as Americans there’s something we don’t know about how to work the system.  Ds18 finally got the necessary paperwork from the ‘committee for yeshivas’, went to a lawyer to take care of some other aspect, and traveled to Tiverya (Tiberias) from Jerusalem this morning for his appointment with the army to officially present proof of his being a yeshiva student to them.  (This appointment was postponed twice, since he was having trouble getting this paperwork from them.)

He spent six hours there, and in short, was told that they refuse to consider him a yeshiva student since the law changed yesterday – yes, yesterday! – and if he can’t document having been a yeshiva student since when he’s 15, it doesn’t matter if he’s a yeshiva student now.  As a homeschooler he’s had a yeshiva education at home for years, so you’d think there’s no problem, right?  Wrong.  The representatives at the army don’t understand the concept of homeschooling, and said that since ds wasn’t attending a yeshiva, he’s lost his right to be considered a yeshiva student for all of these years.  (By the way, he attended a recognized yeshiva when he was 14 and when he was 17, so the only issue is the years he was homeschooled as a tenth and eleventh grader.)

Ironically, part of the problem is that his official records are from a recognized homeschooling oversight program – this would readily be recognized at colleges across the US – but despite having transcripts for a full Judaic program, they won’t consider him as a yeshiva student.  He  graduated over a year before we moved to Israel, and at that point I thought I had researched all the possible complications and taken care that there was official documentation of everything.

The potential complications of homeschooling that no one ever talks about!

So ds18 had to go through the entire pre-induction process, including his army physical. They’ve notified him that he’ll be inducted in one month, which means that now I’m working against the clock to find a way to document his religious studies that will be recognized by the Israeli army.

I have to say that ds is taking this entire situation very well.  When I told him we were moving to Israel, he was very apprehensive about the army situation. I reassured him repeatedly by telling him as a yeshiva student, he’d be eligible for a deferment until he was ready to serve.  And then I did more research and was told that he would automatically receive a one year deferment.

I feel kind of like I’m leaving him holding the bag for a situation he was worried about getting into before we ever got here, despite having done all the right things; dh and I kept reassuring him (before we got here and since then) that it was a routine situation that would easily be taken care of.  When I told him today how sorry I was he was in this situation, he told me that he doesn’t blame me or hold me responsible in any way for it – he sees that it’s a beauracratic mess here.

So despite all our efforts, don’t have the situation with dd17 or ds18 resolved yet.  I’ll keep you posted when this is straightened out!

Avivah

What is the role of a parent vis a vis the school?

aliyah, Homeschooling

The following comment was posted in response to my last post, in which I shared about the limited amount of help that has been available to our children in the school system.

>>I’m sure that you are aware that you have taken a big risk moving your children here at this stage of their lives. I also hope that you acknowledge that no one is responsible for their integration here other than you.

Please forgive me for being so harsh about this. There are resources to help you but the ultimate responsibility rests with you, and not the school or the system.

As a fellow olah, I can only suggest that you shed any romantic idea that the “system” is going to take care of you and your children. You need a lot of support and most likely it will come through the networks that you build up yourself.<<

After seeing this comment, I realized that it might be helpful for me to clarify two points.  Firstly, what is the purpose of me sharing about my experience?  Secondly, to explain what I see as my role as a parent who is sending her children to school.  How much of their education is my responsibility, and how much is the school’s responsibility?

Though I share about many different topics here, I’ve been sharing about my aliyah experiences with the increasing awareness that a number of people considering making aliyah have begun to read my blog.  There are lots of places you can find inspiration about why to do make aliyah – I’m so glad we made the move and love being here! – but my experience has been that many olim (new immigrants) don’t have a realistic idea of what to expect.  (I spoke to two people in this situation just yesterday, and this is a painful place to be.)

Many people are emotionally sold on the dream of living in Israel, but there’s very much a reality every person moving here needs to be aware of.  Exactly what the reality is will differ from person to person and place to place, but not sharing about this and letting people think that a move to another country isn’t the hugely major thing it is would be misleading.  Though I prefer to be positive and look for the good in things – and this is what I try do when faced with challenges here – I don’t think I’m doing anyone a favor to pretend that difficulties don’t exist.

To address the main point of this post, what do I think a parent’s role is vis a vis the schools?  Overall, I  think you have to always remember that you’re  the parent and you can’t expect the schools to give your children what they need.  This isn’t as easily said as done – over the years schools have increasingly moved to a position of disempowering parents, and minimizing the importance of parental influence, while continuing to blame parents when anything in school goes wrong!  Educators (at least those I’ve spoken with, and I’ve read this same thing in a number of places) will claim that this is because parents today are increasingly apathetic and uninvolved, they aren’t stepping into their responsibility as parents, so the schools are forced to take up the slack.

Regardless of  if that’s the best way to handle it or not (two parties can’t take responsibility at the same time for the same thing – one will have to let go), the school administrations are doing what they feel is best for the child.  And sometimes as parents we back down when told by a teacher or principal how foundational different aspects of school are to a child.  I think we have to be willing to be confident in our role as parents to look out for our children and make sure their basic needs are being met.

That doesn’t mean looking for problems – I view the teachers and administrators as my partners, and assume they have my child’s best interests at heart – but if I see something isn’t working and it’s  not being attended to or  addressed, I’ll step in and talk with those involved about what’s happening.  I think it’s important to have a positive attitude towards the teachers in our child’s life, and not to make mountains out of molehills – but we also shouldn’t make the mistake of making molehills out of mountains.

My personal expectation of the schools is first, ‘do no harm’ – I don’t expect them to raise them, instill them with good character or positive spiritual outlook/values, and my academic expectations are that basic skills are taught.  That’s it.  I don’t mean this in a disparaging way, but I think that unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointment.  If you get more than the basics, count yourself as fortunate.

Practically speaking, in terms of our aliyah here, this has meant that I’ve been continually in touch with the teachers of every child (except ds13, who dh speaks to).  I’ve explained their needs, advocated for their needs, and this has created a school environment in which they aren’t constantly faced with unrealistic expectations.  I’ve repeatedly told teachers and principals that my only goal for the kids for this year is that they learn Hebrew, and I understand that this means missing a year of academics.  (That’s what the reality is anyway, but it’s good to clarify from the outset since otherwise teachers feel pressured that you’ll be upset your kids aren’t learning anything.)  I’ve also gotten permission for all of the middles (ds9, dd11, ds13) to be allowed to leave school midday, which gives them time to decompress from the intensity of being in a Hebrew language environment for so many hours.

I actively work with the middles (mostly dd11 and ds9) at home on their Hebrew language skills several times a week – this includes speaking, reading, and translation.  Although I intended this to be supplemental, it’s actually more than they’re getting from school.  If a parent can’t do this, then I think they’ll benefit by getting tutors for their children after school.

To sum up, for any parent, but especially if you’re making aliyah, you can’t rely on the schools to give your child the support he needs.  The schools are hopefully staffed with kind and caring people, but in the end, your child is one of  many.  This can be a huge and daunting challenge for parents who move to a new country, who are themselves struggling with the transition to a new culture and language.  But it’s really important that your child knows that you’ll continue to be there for them, to support them and not get lost in the emotions of your own transition experience.  (By the way, this is why I think it’s preferable for the first year after making aliyah, if one parent stays home with the kids – so someone is there for them to give them the support and help they need.)

Avivah

Six month aliyah update: school responsiveness

aliyah

Wow, as of today we’re officially here for six months! Really amazing how time has flown by, and especially amazing when I think that a year ago, we had just started tossing out the idea of making the move.

Today I’m going to share about my experiences with the local schools in responding to the needs of our children as new immigrants. I’m going to warn you in advance, it’s going to sound kind of negative and I don’t like being negative, but people who are considering aliyah should know the reality they may face.  So here is my experience to date.

I’ll skip over the littlest kids since they don’t really get or need special help in adapting to the schools. Thank G-d, ds4 and ds5 are doing well, even though ds4 asks to stay home every single day.

The government has mandated hours that new immigrant children are supposed to receive to facilitate their absorption into Israeli culture. This mean every child is entitled to a certain amount of ulpan (Hebrew language) hours. Here’s the current guidelines: if there are 1 – 2 students in the school who are new olim, there is funding for six hours; 3 – 5 students, funding for ten hours; 6 – 7 students, funding for twelve hours. It seems that because our children are in the chinuch atzmai/independent religious school system, that they don’t get the government hours that all the other schools in the country get.

Notwithstanding the lovely sounding hours that children are supposed to get, not one of our kids has ever received more than two periods a week – at best. Ds9 -his school has been most responsive, and immediately began giving him tutoring assistance when he arrived.  However, his tutor is also assigned to tutor anyone else in the school who needs help, and to fill in for teachers who don’t show up, which cuts into his availability.  Ds9’s participation in the program that he was supposed to begin immediately after the meeting with the principal a couple of weeks ago, which I agreed to because it would give him more one on one support (that my attendance at the parenting classes is mandated for), has yet to begin.

Dd11 – gets two periods a week when the tutor is available; if she doesn’t come for whatever reason, there are no substitutes.  She didn’t begin getting tutored until about two months into the school year – that meant sitting for hours in a class with absolutely no comprehension, and no assistance in building a rudimentary language base.  When she was willing and open to learning the language, no one was there to help her, and when she finally got tutoring, her tutor was teaching her at well above her ability.  (I wrote about this a while ago.)  Now she has a good tutor to work with her, who I’ve spoken with at length and who understands where dd is coming from.

Ds13 – his school said it’s too much work to file the paperwork to apply for the funding available for him, and that it’s up to us to hire a private tutor. Their help to him has been being gracious enough to let him sit in their classes and take our tuition money.  🙂

Dd15 and dd17 – they began getting tutoring two months after the school year began. This took some time and advocating on my part, but once they got a tutor, she was fabulous. Dd15 is really getting a lot out of this. The only concern I had was it seemed that dd17 wasn’t getting much tutoring. At first I thought they were giving dd15 more help because dd17 started with stronger spoken Hebrew. Then we thought her absences were coinciding with her tutoring sessions (it’s not at a regular time), or that there were other reasons she rarely seemed to be getting tutoring.  It’s just come to light that they have totally dropped dd17 from the tutoring roster – I’m giving the benefit of the doubt that it’s because they know she won’t be taking the matriculation exams, though the reason she’s supposed to have the help is for language acquisition, not because of these tests.  I have another meeting scheduled with her principal to talk about these concerns on Tuesday morning.

In the last ten days, I’ve had a number of meetings with principals, teachers, and tutors. It takes so much energy to explain the reality of kids having to start over with a new language, culture, friends, home.  They really don’t have a realistic understanding of what’s involved, which obviously limits them in how much practical or emotional help they give.  The administrative knee jerk reaction when faced with a child who isn’t performing at a typical level, is to label a child as being emotionally closed, perfectionist, learning disabled or whatever else rather than really be in tune with the level of changes immigrant children have to make, and look at how little support these kids are getting within the school system in making the transition.  (I had a fascinating and telling experience with this last week when I took ds5 for his evaluation prior to registering for first grade.)

I’m not an unreasonable and pushy parent, and I’ve been pretty positive about the school system until now; I’m not actually feeling negatively now.  What I’m doing is sharing the reality that I’m consistently seeing regarding academic assistance for our kids – it’s been pretty pathetic.  It makes me wonder how other people who are new to the country are dealing with the schools.  I speak Hebrew well and have consistently been able to advocate for my kids – for those who don’t speak Hebrew well (which is most new olim/immigrants) and aren’t able to supplement their children’s education at home (I’ll share about what I’ve been doing in another post), how are they handling this?

I wonder how much different this would be if we lived in the center of the country, where there are loads of Anglos, rather than in the periphery, where our kids are among the very first that these teachers and administrators have had to deal with.  I think it’s likely it’s hard for everyone everywhere, because making such a big move is really a big deal, with a lot of potential for trauma.

To sum up about the  issue of school responsiveness.  I don’t know if my experience is typical or not.  I would expect it would be, since our kids are emotionally healthy, they have a great attitude, and overall their adjustment has been good.   Our experience is probably better than many for those reasons.  But I wouldn’t say their school experiences have been an incredibly helpful or positive factor in their acclimatizing well.

Avivah