Category Archives: marriage

“My husband is so weird! What can I do?”

marriage

>>My husband is a wonderful person. The challenge that I have in our marriage however is a big one. When we have deep and meaningful conversations he is all there and responds beautifully. He has helped me tremendously with personal challenges that I have had. However, on a day to day basis I am not able to communicate with him. Almost every conversation/encounter that we have during the day leaves me frustrated. The main source of frustration is his weirdness. He is SOOOO weird. For example, if I share with him that my supervisor came to observe me at work, he would reply, “Your supervisor? Supe supe supe go have some soup”. At that moment I feel like a deflated balloon with no interest to share any further. (I would simply like him to say, “Oh how did it go?”).

We have been married for about seven years. By now, I have no desire to share or discuss most things with him. So when he asks me about my day I just say, “Good” and in general I became very quiet around him, unenthusiastic and even a bit withdrawn. This has been a process. It started seven years ago but over the years I think has gotten worse.
After about two years of marriage I gathered the courage and spoke to him about it. When we spoke I was crying. He saw how much it meant to me and he said he will try to work on it. I know he loves me, and I know he is a great guy. I can’t understand it, but he cannot change this habit! I brought it up a few other times but although he listened and cared at the time we spoke about it, he couldn’t change. At a certain point I realized that I need to accept him the way he is and be grateful for what I do have. I stopped nagging him about it and just accepted that this is what he is like.
Last year I listened to a series of classes on marital happinesss. I learned about the importance of becoming close to our husbands, speaking in a way that will bring upon closeness, and doing acts that will create closeness I realized that I am greatly lacking in this area. I took a close look at myself when I am around him and I found that I am emotionally removed when speaking to him, unenthusiastic and withdrawn. For a while I wondered what was wrong with me. Why can’t I act lovingly towards him? I thought it was due to the way I was brought up. I kept on trying to change but it was difficult, I felt like I was facing a brick wall.I was even considering therapy to help me figure out how to open up and be more loving and enthusiastic.
 
I don’t think I can change him, but how can I change the way I feel about him and act towards him if he doesn’t stop acting weird? Can a woman come to behave in an emotionally open and enthusiastic way with a husband who is constantly acting weird around her? If yes, how? I am really desperate for guidance! (and so is my husband, he is so hungry for my love but I am just not feeling emotionally there to be able to give it)<<

First of all, big hugs to you.  This sounds like such a difficult situation!  It’s natural to want the person you’re married to to be emotionally supportive and healthy.  And as kind and well-intended as your husband is, his responses aren’t typical.  How do you love someone who isn’t what you want them to be?

These are big issues and there are ways to address that but before going down that road, the road you asked me about, I have a different direction I’m going to ask you to explore.  I’m assuming if your husband was like this when you were dating, you wouldn’t have been able to overlook it, so this behavior must not have been so prevalent then.  You mentioned that it’s gotten worse over time.  This leads me to wonder if there’s a biological component here that needs to be assessed.  A clear diagnosis can be worth gold if it helps your husband get the help he needs.

Perhaps there’s medication that will be helpful.  Perhaps there are other ways for him to address these issues with trained professionals.  Is it possible your husband has Aspberger’s or something along those lines?  If so, there will be specific ideas that you’ll be given at that time if you raise these questions about how to deal with your husband’s unusual way of communicating.

I hear in your letter that you’re a person who is willing to work on herself, who wants to have a good marriage and wants her husband to feel loved.   And I think that it may be easier to love and accept him as he is, if you realize his quirkiness is coming from somewhere.  Often when we are able to put our expectations aside, it gives us room to see the person for who they are, with their strengths and without excessive focus on their weaknesses.

Avivah

When to stay with something and when to move on

homemaking, homeschooling, marriage, miscellaneous, personal development

It’s interesting how comments and questions on certain issues seem to often come as groups.  This has happened recently with the topic of making a change – I was asked the same question by three different people in close succession: when is moving toward change positive and when is it running away from a problem.  Interestingly, all three were in situations in which a change would be beneficial, which made me wonder if it’s the people who have a tendency to stay in difficult situations who phrase the question in this way.

The most recent person to ask me about this was my dd17 when she was home for Chanukah vacation.  She’s living with an elderly woman which provides her with a place to live and a salary and she’s studying in an Israeli seminary – where she lives and where she studies are both difficult situations.  She’s not happy but told me she’s not sure if she needs to stick this out.  I told her, “If you’re a member of this family, your issue isn’t going to be running away from problems but staying in a non-suitable situation too long and trying to see the positives.”

Being positive and looking for the good in life is important, but you can’t let that keep you from acknowledging when a situation needs to be changed.   I suggested that first step is for her to be honest about how she’s feeling, not to rationalize or justify staying where she is because she doesn’t know how it can work out financially to do something different – just to acknowledge to herself how she’s really feeling and be willing to say, ‘I’m not happy’.  Then after getting in touch with that feeling – which doesn’t take too long once you clear away the mental clutter – to ask herself: “Is this situation supporting me and the life I want to have?  If not, why not?  What would be more supportive of my needs?”

So she did that and we talked quite a bit about what this means for her.  This week she gave notice to the family of the woman she works for that she’ll be leaving in a month, is interviewing with another family as a possible place to stay, and contacted the principal of an American seminary here in Israel to see if a mid-year transfer is possible.  I asked her how she felt and she said it all feels good.

It seems to me that most people get stuck on one side or another of this question when they have to ask themselves the question about if their current life situation serves them or not.  Many people stay with situations that aren’t supportive for too long, not believing that anything better is out there, thinking that they don’t deserve for things to be good or blaming themselves for the way the situation is.

Others go to the other extreme, moving from place to place, job to job, relationship to relationship, always blaming others for their situations and searching for that elusive happiness in the next place.  When a person is having a hard time in life because of who they are, they carry that with them wherever they go.  Someone who hosts a lot of people checking out her community told me she can tell right away who is a good candidate and who isn’t by asking why they want to move.  She said when people start complaining about everything that is wrong with where they’re currently living, she knows they’re going to miserable in her community, too.

So how can you tell when you objectively would be better off in a different life situation?  When are you running away from something instead of putting in the effort and time to make things work, and when are you moving forward towards a better and more fulfilling life?

This is a really individual situation and sometimes for the same person, it can look very different in different situations.  If you’re in an abusive situation, generally the faster you get out, the better.  Aside from that, we have to remember that all beginnings are difficult and time takes time.  Don’t give up on your current situation too soon – think about what specifically is missing for you, and what you can do to make it work for you.  If you’ve put in time and effort and after a reasonable amount of time things aren’t improving, you probably are seeing the reality of the situation and it’s time to think about making a change.  Don’t blame yourself for being where you are right now; it is what it is, you learned something from where you were and now you can move on.

Since we can’t be objective about ourselves, it’s very valuable to get feedback from someone outside of the situation who is willing to listen to you without projecting themselves onto the scenario.  At times when I’ve grappled with choices of this sort and spoken to friends, it’s been interesting how obvious the answer to my question was to them!  People outside the situation can often see things more clearly since they aren’t fixated on all the tiny details that our minds can get tangled up with.

If you’ve determined that change would be beneficial for you, have courage.  Trust that life is meant to be good, that you are worthy of good and that you will overcome the initial challenges the new situation is going to present you with.  Making a change like this is an act of self-value and self-love; we can’t have better things in our lives until we recognize that we deserve better in our lives.

If you’ve grappled with decisions of this sort, please share how you recognized when it was time to make a change or stick things out!

Avivah

Shabbos away with just dh and I

marriage

My husband and I went away for Shabbos – just the two of us!  This is the first time since before ds7 was born that we’ve gone away without any kids and it was wonderful!

We asked the older kids to come home for Shabbos to stand in for us, so ds20, dd17 and ds14 all were here. They had a really nice bonding Shabbos.  The little kids were all happy and the older kids were happy and dh and I were happy so it worked for everyone!  I did miss being able to be be here when they were all home since it doesn’t happen that often, and ds20 and dd17 were gone before we got home but fortunately this coming week is Shabbos Chanukah so we’ll get to enjoy having almost everyone here then.

When we got to the home of our hostess, she offered us a healthy treat and then asked if we wanted something to eat.  I had something, and she asked me if I wanted some homemade sauerkraut on the side:, “I made it myself, it’s fermented and that means that..”  Having written about this years ago, I knew what this meant!  I commented that I’ve never been at someone’s home and been offered fermented vegetables, and asked her how she learned about it.  She said someone in her community taught her about it, and you know what the funny thing was?  That person learned about it a long time ago on my blog!

We had an amazing Shabbos with so many wonderful people to spend time with.  We didn’t have much time for just the two of us or for resting once we got to our destination but our goal wasn’t to have a getaway but to enjoy spending time with friends and it was so enjoyable!  Have you ever thought about how amazing it is, the amount of nice people there are in this world?  We still had hours to spend alone while we were in transit – a benefit of having a loooong bus ride in each direction!

Avivah

Finally…together again!

marriage, parenting

Some people I’ve met upon hearing my husband has been gone for four months assume that he has some lucrative work opportunities that are keeping him away so long.

No, not at all.  But we do have a priceless investment in the US, our dd18, and dh went to the US to be with her for medical reasons.  Four months is a long, long time but he and I both felt this was important and necessary, and neither of us have regretted this decision at all.

A lot of people have asked me about how I managed and the answer is, you do what you have to do.  It hasn’t been easy and dealing with all the consequences of the situation on this side of the ocean by myself has sometimes been very difficult and unpleasant.  But you do what you have to do.

Finally, finally – dh is home again!

I went to the airport alone to pick him up last night, so that we’d have time to talk ourselves before he saw everyone.  I also didn’t tell the littles that dh would be home until the next day, because I knew they would get hyper and wild due to the excitement and being overtired.  I wanted them to be asleep when he got home so he could spend time with the older five kids, and then he would be able to focus on the younger kids first thing the next day.

It worked out beautifully.  We enjoyed the quiet trip home together, the older kids enjoyed time with him – then ds4 woke up from a deep sleep and had such a sweet smile on his face when he saw who was home!  Dh scooped him up and held him for a long time, and the smile didn’t leave ds4’s face the entire time.

This morning ds5 and ds7 woke up and were discussing between themselves that ‘Today Daddy is coming home!”  Ds4 woke up and sleepily said, “Nu uh, Daddy already came home.”  They told him he was still sleeping and he was having a dream, and then knocked on my bedroom door to verify that they were right.  I was asleep and when ds5 called out, “Is Daddy here?” I thought they had heard from someone that dh was home and just wanted to know if dh was sleeping, so I answered, “No, he went to shul.”  They were shocked and excited – that wasn’t what they were expecting to hear! – and ds20 took them to shul to meet my husband, who was very pleasantly surprised to be greeted by his happy and cute sons!

Yirmiyahu is very easygoing but doesn’t like being held by someone he doesn’t know, and after dh not being here for four months, he has no idea who he is.  So he smiles at dh from the safety of the arms of someone familiar.  As soon as dh comes close enough to for Yimiyahu to think dh might hold him, he tightly clutches the person holding him.  I keep seeing him scoping dh out, watching him intently like he’s trying to figure out what he’s doing here!  This is how it was until he got used to ds20 when he came home a couple of weeks ago, and I think within two or three days he’ll be as happy to be with dh as with everyone else in the family.

Though I know there will probably be some sort of resettling process for everyone, it feels normal to have dh home again.  Normal but very wonderful at the same time!

Avivah

Twenty years today!

marriage

Today my husband and I celebrated our twentieth anniversary!

When I look back at the last two decades (I feel waaay too young to be able to say something like that!), my primary feeling is one of gratitude.  Like every married couple, we’ve had our share of tough times.  This year in particular with having made aliyah and the last six weeks even more specifically have been especially challenging.  And yet somehow all of these recent challenges seem so much easier to deal with than the difficult periods I remember from years ago.  I think a huge part of that is both of us having worked on ourselves as individuals and also as partners, so that we’re able to be there for each other and support each other as we are given the chance to expand ourselves with these newest growth opportunities.

I don’t like to talk about this on my blog or in real life because I know how fortunate I am and that not everyone has what I’ve been given in life, but for this particular post, I’m going to say it.  I’ve been unbelievably blessed by being married to a very special person.  I thought my husband was wonderful when we got married – and he was! – but sometimes I’m awed at his development over the last twenty years.  It’s very inspiring.  (In case you’re wondering, he doesn’t read my blog and I’m not going to tell him I wrote this. :))

My overwhelming feeling at this stage is one of happiness to be right where I am in life at this moment.  No, life isn’t always easy and sometimes it’s downright painful, but having someone to walk through life with is a huge, huge blessing that I don’t take for granted at all!

Avivah

A perspective on life’s challenges

aliyah, marriage, parenting

Yesterday I was talking with my ds18 about the potential of life’s challenges to help a person grow.  Just a couple of hours later, I got the following message in my inbox:

“Life does not accommodate you; it shatters you. Every seed destroys its container, or else there would be no fruition.”   Florida Scott-Maxwell

It was a timely message for me!  This quote sounds somewhat negative until you realize that it’s by having our perception of our limitations of what we can be and who we are broken, that we can grow beyond that.  Every difficult and painful situation is a chance to become more of who we are meant to be, to grow into the person we are capable of becoming.

Don’t think I’m idealizing challenges – actually, I ask to be shown how I need to grow in a gentle way without pain – but at least intellectually, I know that everything in life is a gift and that even the tough stuff is a kindness because it gives me a chance to be more than I think I can be.  And like all of you, every day I have opportunities to stretch that intellectual understanding and internalize it emotionally a tiny bit more!

Avivah


Reflecting on my birthday

aliyah, homemaking, marriage

Did you know that every nineteen years, the lunar and Gregorian calendars line up?  Not a well-known piece of information, but one of interest to me today.  Today is my birthday, and the third time in my life my lunar and Gregorian birthdays fall out on exactly the same day – and the first time since I learned about this factoid several years ago.

So yep, that means I’m now 38 years old!  I don’t have any plans to celebrate today in any special way – I feel very content and grateful for my amazingly normal and wonderful life, surrounded by people I love.  Here’s an excerpt from the lovely message my husband wrote for my birthday (I asked if he minded if I shared it here first), who I feel so blessed to be married to for almost two decades:

“Thank you for being such an understanding, accepting and loving wife.  Thank you for running our home with dedication, positive energy and joy.  Thank you for being a loving mother to our children.”

I feel almost overwhelmed at how quickly what seemed like an impossibly unreachable dream of moving with our entire family to Israel happened, when just a year ago, I was feeling so grateful that I would be able to make a short trip to visit my daughter who was studying here, something I didn’t think would be financially or logistically in our reach.  It wasn’t until March 2011 that we decided we’d like to make the move, and a few months later, here we were!  Sometimes I feel like pinching myself that we actually live here, and it’s just normal for us to be here.

This morning I was looking at an affirmation that I copied down a while back, and thinking how nice it is that it’s not just something I want to have in my life, but something I feel is my life right now (here’s part of it):

“Life is wonderful and I have lots of time to experience it fully….I love looking out of my windows at the beautiful environment.  I have a spectacular view, which continually inspires me.  I am so grateful for all of the beautiful riches that are continually overflowing my life!”

It’s not easy starting all over in a new country, new language, new everything at any stage, and with nine kids who have to make the adjustment, too, it’s really not simple.  I feel very grateful that we are are getting to know people and starting to feel like part of the community.  On Thursday afternoon, I passed a few mothers chatting, and one of them called after me (I didn’t turn around because I didn’t think anyone would be calling me!) and then followed after me to let me know that she and several other parents were having a kiddush in shul (synagogue) this week and wanted to be sure I knew about it and was invited to come.  I was so appreciative – a little thing like that makes a big difference when you’re new, that someone thinks of you enough to do that.

And when I actually was there on Shabbos morning at the kiddush, my kids had what used to be a familiar experience – being ready to leave, and having to wait for me repeatedly since I kept stopping to talk with someone else.  Do you know how nice it is, to be here less than three months, and already have so many people I can talk to, and not feel like a wallflower standing to the side?

No, my life isn’t perfect – I have challenges and frustrations that I deal with on a daily basis, like everyone.  But seeing how fast the years go by, I really try to fully enjoy and appreciate all that I have on a daily basis, and not take it for granted.

Since on his/her birthday, a person has a special power to bless others, and it’s well-known that words do have power to influence things, I’d like to use this opportunity to wish for every single one of you peace, health, love, meaning, and an abundance of everything good.  And also to bless you that you are able to see and appreciate all the wonderful things that are already in your life, and to bring joy to those around you by sharing some of what is beautiful in our amazing world with them.

Avivah

 

Loving difficult people

homemaking, marriage, parenting

>>I am really struggling in my life with my relationship with a few people. I will have to say my nature finds it much easier to write them off and be done with them, but I don’t think that’s the right thing.  I know that I don’t have to be best friends with these people or even spend a lot of time with them, but I really struggle with my anger and frustration with them. <<

I’ve held off on responding to this for a while, since it’s been an issue I personally had to deal with pretty intensely fairly recently.  I was told by someone that I’m an abusive, cruel, unfeeling person, and that every single interaction we’ve had in the many years we’ve known one another is proof of this – it was shocking to me to see even the nicest things I’ve done for this person (and there were a lot) twisted into proof for her criticisms.

I had to work hard to find peace of mind about this situation – I don’t think this is something a person can resolve at a core level without the willingness to go beyond one’s emotional comfort zone, and though I’ve made a lot of progress, I think I’ll continue to be faced with challenges in this arena that will push me to grow to a higher level of acceptance for her.  What I’m sharing is what I’ve found helpful, but very much isn’t coming from someone who has ‘arrived’; I have to consciously work to detach when thoughts about what’s been said come into my mind.  With the Jewish month of Elul just begun, a unique time in which introspection and self-improvement is a focus, it seems like an especially good time to share some thoughts on this issue.  Additionally, I received two calls on this same issue in the last few weeks, and I think this is something that most of us have to grapple with at some time in our lives.

– I’ve found it helpful to realize that it’s really not about me and what I do or don’t do, even if that’s what is being expressed.  It’s about the person and their pain.  I have a tendency to think that if I just try hard enough, it can be worked out.  Sometimes you really have done something to hurt someone and an amends is in order, but sometimes, nothing you do will make the situation better.  In this case, I tried to empathize with her pain, then move on.

– It’s important to have healthy boundaries with people like this, who can be energy vampires; they suck positive energy from those around them.  Be respectful, be kind – but respect and protect your emotional boundaries.

– Don’t make the mistake of thinking that better communication is the answer.  Often in these circumstances, communication becomes a power struggle rather than an honest way for two people to clarify their thoughts and feelings.

– ‘What kind of person do I want to be?’  This is something I repeatedly asked myself when deciding how to respond to hurtful comments.  I sometimes felt a strong desire to respond in kind to what was done/said to me, but that would have been moving away from the person I hope to one day be.

– Don’t let others keep you from seeing the beauty in yourself.  When people are critical and judgmental of you, it can cause you to doubt yourself, to start to think that you really are the cause of the problems or difficulties that they claim are your fault.  They are entitled to their opinions, but they don’t have the right to keep you from shining your light out.

– Pray for them. If you don’t feel like doing this (I didn’t), pray for the desire to pray for them.  Prayer is very powerful and whether it consciously affects them or not, it changes your feelings inside of being a victim of their actions to being a person who rises above that.  A simple but powerful prayer that I first read in a book by Kay Sheppard is, “Bless them, change me”.  Ask for help in responding appropriately, for using this as a positive growth experience.

– Look for the good in them.  Everyone has positive qualities.  Find them, and focus on them.  It doesn’t take away the pain of dealing with difficult people, but it keeps you from being consumed by bitterness.  The more we focus on finding light, the more darkness we can push away.

Are there things you’ve found to be helpful when dealing with difficult people?  Please share them!

Avivah

Growing in acceptance

marriage

When my husband told his coworkers last week that we had been married 19 years, people were taken aback.  Maybe because it doesn’t seem people in the secular world stay married that long?  Dh said that people seemed to almost look at it as a negative – as if we must have a stale and dull relationship after being together so long.

Movies and contemporary music glorify the very exciting but short stage of the initial stage of a relationship as the ideal – when everything is exciting and new, when a person is ‘walking on air’.  Hearts are aflutter, a person feels like the luckiest person in the world, and a rosy glow seems to permeates everything.  That’s a special time – but it’s also a very short lasting period that reality soon encroaches upon.  And what happens next?  Music and movies don’t really give any clues – at least not any positive ones!

Several years ago I was at the gym, and was chatting with the young lady on the treadmill next to me – she told me she had been married 2 months, and when I made a comment regarding the challenge of that stage, she began to confide in me me how hard it was.  She was one of the first of her friends to get married, and her friends looked at her as the lucky one, she had it made!  So she didn’t have anyone to talk about the reality of learning to live with a very different person, and was so relieved to hear that she was normal.  It’s tough learning to live with someone else, someone who isn’t nearly as perfect and wonderful as we initially thought, and who does things that frustrate and irritate us.

As time goes on, every couple is faced with bigger challenges that go beyond learning to manage basic personality conflicts.  These provide opportunities to grow as a couple, but these opportunities just as easily can pull a couple apart.  My husband and I have faced our share of difficulties – no one is promised a free ride in this world – but I feel that going through all the good and tough times together,  sticking it out and committing to making it work (even when it really hasn’t been fun), has strengthened our marital glue.  Though most years I look back and think how good the year was (with a couple of notably difficult years, that I was just happy to be finished with), this year feels like a big jump forward.  My husband and I have always tried to be respectful of one another, even when we disagree, but that’s not the same as being truly accepting of a person.  Don’t we often wish our spouses would just be the way we want them to be?!  And this year, we both feel we’ve moved to a new level of deeper acceptance and therefore appreciation of one another.  And far from being dull and hum drum, it’s a deep and satisfying feeling to have a relationship based on really knowing and valuing one another.

When I’ve been asked about what I attribute the strength of my marriage to (particularly since my parents were divorced and there was a lot of conflict, so I didn’t grow up with an in-house model) , I always say that I picked a great guy.  And I really, really did.  But I was reflecting on this, and thinking that I really do a disservice to leave it at this – it could leave someone concluding that marital happiness is almost like the luck of the draw. 

Marrying a good person definitely the most important first step.  I made a very conscious decision at the age of 17 that I would have a good marriage and my children would grow up with the stability of a loving home, and when I began dating, my criteria for a spouse was based on this – not just on what looked appealing.  Many people in the short term look good, but as husbands and fathers they are lousy.

But once you marry the wonderful person you’ve met, it doesn’t end there – a lot of conscious effort goes into overcoming your unproductive tendencies, into learning to see things from someone else’s viewpoint, into looking for the strengths of someone else and being willing to forgive mistakes and frustrations.   It’s not like you’ve got it made once you choose wisely.  Dr. Laura Schlessinger in one of her books wrote her formula for a successful marriage that was brilliant in it’s simplicity and accuracy: Choose wisely, treat kindly.   Once you’re married, you have to treat your spouse nicely.  This is one of those things that is so obvious before you get married that you can’t imagine what kind of people would need that advice, and then after marriage becomes something you have to work to remember and internalize.

My husband and I have worked a lot on ourselves as individuals, as well as on our marriage – every way that we’ve grown as individuals has been positive for our marriage (though it’s sometimes required adjusting).   Though it might seem that personal growth is always positive,  good changes can also be hard on a marriage, when it means one spouse is seeking a different level of interaction than the other is comfortable with, and both people have to be willing to grow in the same direction to accomodate that.

My husband and I have had to expand our comfort zones a number of times in the last 19 years.  And it’s been worth it.  It’s in large part thanks to our relationship that we feel we can tackle a huge move to Israel at this stage of our life, doing something that very few people do.  (I don’t just mean moving to Israel with a large family that includes older teen children, but with constraints and lack of support that new olim aren’t faced with.  As time allows I hope to share more about our plans and my feelings about the process.)  We’ve both felt our share of fear regarding this move, giving up our familiar life to start over in another country.  It requires a lot of trust, not just in Hashem (G-d), but in each other, and with Hashem’s help, I very much hope that this will be another stepping stone to growth in our relationship.

Avivah

Celebrating 19 years!

marriage

Yesterday was my nineteen wedding anniversary!  You know, when I say a number that big, it makes me feel like I should be older than I am.   But being that my oldest will be 18 in a couple of weeks, I’m definitely old enough to have been married that long.  🙂

My husband and I went out together for a while in the evening.  I didn’t really want to do anything ‘special’.  As we got home, I told him that spending time just being together is what I love most, even if it doesn’t sound celebratory.  Then we opened the door, and were greeted by a very unexpected sight.  I had gotten a call just a few minutes before from dd14 telling me that no one was going to bed or listening to her, and I told her we were just a few minutes away.  It was obvious as soon as we stepped in the door that it was a ploy.

The entire house was spotlessly clean and dark, with the exception of the dining room table.  On it was a sign of silver oaktag with large black lettering, “Happy 19th Anniversary!”  Then on the side it said, ‘You are the best parents EVER!’ and was signed by all of the kids.  On each side was a candlelabra with long white tapered candles in it, in the center was a beautiful centerpiece with three wide white candles of staggered heights, then a couple of other candles around.  In the front were two tea cups on saucers, with a matching ceramic tea pot filled with steaming water in the center.  On the front right and left was an assortment of herbal teas, and in the background was beautiful instrumental music.

My husband and I stood there for a minute, taking it all in – it was just beautiful!  We were kind of waiting for the kids to jump out and yell ‘suprise!’, but that didn’t happen.  After a few very peaceful moments, I went upstairs to find the kids and thank them – dd12 and dd17 (who got home just a few hours before that) told me I wasn’t supposed to be talking to them, I was supposed to be downstairs relaxing with my husband!  Then I peeked in on dd14, who was very unsuccessfully trying to look as if she was asleep in bed – though she had run upstairs just thirty seconds before we walked in.

We thanked them all for the beautiful surprise – it was so special, really tasteful and so thoughtful – and dd14 told us that they had left the camera running on the video setting; it was on top of a cabinet where we didn’t notice it.  We then sat down and enjoyed some tea together while we looked at the video.  Since dh had to go out to maariv and then prepare for the shiur (Torah lecture) he’s giving on Shabbos, I invited the kids to sit down with me.  (It was after 11 pm by this time, and dd11, ds9, ds12 had all joined us to see how we liked the surprise – ds17 went with dh.)  They told me that they weren’t supposed to be there, that we were supposed to be alone, but when I told them dh was going out, they very happily sat down and enjoyed tea with candlelight with me.

A lovely way to commemorate 19 wonderful years!

Avivah