When children are in foster care, visits with their biological parents are supposed to occur on a regular basis. Sometimes the children visit the home where their parents live, and sometimes they have supervised visits at an alternate location.

In our case, the twins have supervised visits every other week. These visits take place in a center established for this purpose at the social services complex.

The first time I took the twins, it felt a bit like being in a spy movie. Since the parents aren’t supposed to see me (though I was told eventually the children will give them enough information that the parents will figure out who we are), I have to park down the street, call to confirm the parents were there, and only once the parents were inside could I park next to the building. Once I hear that they’re inside the center, I park in front of the building.

Then I take the kids inside the building where I meet the social worker who facilitates the meeting in the reception area, and she takes them to the center downstairs.

When it’s time to pick them up, it’s done in reverse. I go into the building, wait near the entrance and the social worker brings them to me. Then she waits until I’ve had time to pull away and only then the parents are told to leave the center.

These visits are important for the children and their parents, to maintain and build their relationships with one another. It’s just twice a month, an hour each time, and the children are so excited for each visit. I’m glad for them that it’s such a nice experience

Their parents bring snacks for the visit, and they also come home with snacks and presents. After one visit, ds6 had stomach pains for hours. He told me his stomach hurt because he ate so many treats. He was crying in pain all evening and woke up twice crying from stomach pains in the middle of the night; then he stayed home with a fever the next day. My social worker told me it was appropriate to let the social worker at the center know so the parents would have helpful feedback.

Each time they come out from a visit, each of the twins are holding family size bags of snacks instead of small individual bags. (That doesn’t include what they eat during the visit.) Knowing what amount is appropriate for young children isn’t intuitive or obvious to everyone. At the beginning of a visit, I told the visitation social worker how sick ds6 had been and requested that the parents give a smaller quantity of snacks; she shrugged and said she didn’t think they were eating too many snacks. Just an hour later dd6 came out of her visit and told me that her stomach was hurting.

I think it would be a kindness to let the parents to know things like their shoe size and what toys are appropriate for their age – they’re buying the gifts and shoes anyway – but the social worker doesn’t seem interested in sharing feedback with them. I don’t feel it’s fair to the parents or the children not to give them appropriate information. The parents give gifts that are minimally used and don’t garner much excitement, and the children get things that are of minimal value to them.

When dd6 received sandals that were too small, she was so excited that I let her wear them to school for a week, even though her toes were sticking out over the top. But after that, I put them away because they weren’t suitable. If they fit her, I would have had her wear them to each visit so her parents could have the pleasure of seeing her enjoy the shoes they bought.

Then two months later they were given flip flops – again, too small. If they had been told the childrens’ shoe size after the first pair of shoes were purchased, these flip flops would have been a gift the children could have enjoyed more. And the toys they are given … it’s a waste of their resources to give things that are hardly looked at after the first day.

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A couple of weeks ago it was their birthday, and on the drive there the children were excitedly detailing all the things their parents would bring them: bicycles and scooters and cake and balloons and treats and more. I cautioned them that it might be different than that and they’d have to wait to see what their parents brought.

Unfortunately, after arriving at the building we learned their parents wouldn’t be coming. When the social worker called to find out when they would be arriving, they told her they had called in advance to notify them that they wouldn’t be there that day, but if that was the case, no one got the message.

As you can imagine, this was particularly disappointing and painful for the children. There is always a lot of anticipation the day of the visit, and this time there was even more because of the birthday. While generally I don’t see any negative behaviors after the visits, that time it was really hard. Ds6 repeatedly cried for his father and for the entire afternoon and next day repeatedly insisted he had to see his parents.

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When I looked at the Facebook account of their parents, I saw a post in honor of their birthday: past pictures of the parents together with the children (all taken at the mediation center) and the mother’s beautiful declaration of love for her children. Following that were comments, one of which was, “The most perfect family ever!”

The father’s account had an equally beautiful declaration of love for them on their birthday, concluding with, “Dear children, all you have to do is keep growing and smiling. Leave all the rest to abba and imma, we’re taking care of everything for you.”

There’s no mention on either of their Facebook pages about the children being removed from their care, nor that they missed that important birthday visit. I found it so reflective of the artificial and manipulated world of social media that people can post a picture of their beautiful family and have gushing positive responses, while the well-cared for children they see are those I care for in my home, in the clothing I bought and dressed them in.

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While there are minor blips in the visitation experience, I’m appreciative that they have supervised visitations rather than in-home visits. Another foster mother told me of the difficulty in sending her foster children back to a violent home each Shabbos. They would come back agitated and stressed, and by the time they would calm down, it was time for the next visit. I’m so grateful we don’t have to deal with anything like that.

Avivah

It’s really interesting for me to be in the middle of the management meetings for two very different foster care placements.

The reasons that ds6 and the twins came into foster care were very different, and legally that has ramifications for how their cases are handled, as I’m seeing with the committee meetings for each of them taking place one day after another. The twins’ case is considered complex so there are extra voices involved in what happens with them.

The social worker called at the end of last week to review the details of the meeting and give me my new ‘to do’ list.

The meeting began with her report, in which she shared how the twins were when they came, and how they’re doing now. She gave a number of specific examples of improvements of what their behaviors were and what they are now. All markers of well-being are improved, some dramatically so.

If you expected the committee to be relieved or even pleased to hear the children have had a good transition and are thriving – they’re not.

Her report was challenged. Two people in attendance said it can’t be that so much change would be possible in this time period. Bad behaviors can’t just disappear. Their explanation? The behaviors must be happening and either I’m not seeing it, or I’m seeing it and not reporting it. The social worker told them that’s not likely being that we supervise them so closely around the clock, and told them to come and meet us and see the kids to see for themselves.

Then there were a couple of things they’re unhappy about:

–I didn’t yet have a meeting with the parenting instructor, and they want that person to come and see the children in person. This is the first time I was hearing that she needs to see them; that was never part of the conversation before. I don’t mind, though. Whoever wants can come and see them.

I told them previously I was willing to set up a meeting and they said the therapist would be in touch with me. She called yesterday morning, and my husband and I had a meeting with her last night.

–The children are sleeping in the same room. When I originally was asked about taking the children, I asked if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. If I had been told they needed rooms of their own, that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t have been able to agree to have them. Right before they came, there was a sudden demand that they be split up and given different rooms. I told my social worker I couldn’t accommodate that, and she said we could put it to the side.

Well, someone on the committee is furious and my social worker has said they’re willing to pull the kids from us and send them to separate homes rather than leave them in the same room.

Whether I like or agree with it or not, I’m not going to play with the lives of the twins; that’s for the committee members to do. So at this point I have to find a way to accommodate them.

Since I don’t have extra bedrooms available, the only possible option is to put ds5 in the same room as ds11 and ds6, and give dd5 her own room. I couldn’t have done this before knowing the children, because I wouldn’t have put our boys at risk by having them share a room with a child with unknown behavior. Now that the twins have been here for eleven weeks, safety is no longer a concern.

I switched the sleeping arrangements that same day my social worker called even though it’s better for all of the children involved to leave the sleeping arrangements as they are. People who don’t know the children are making these decisions based on concerns that aren’t relevant and that’s frustrating for me.

Sharing a room has been very comforting for the twins. They came unable to get along with one another and the previous dynamic between them puzzled me, because it was so much the opposite of what I would have anticipated in a scenario like theirs.

Whatever their relationship was, we’re constantly guiding them in how to interact appropriately, and now they get along well, look out for each other, and enjoy spending time together. Dd5 does not want to sleep in a room by herself; she gets scared and lonely when she’s alone and when I told her she’s going to have her teddy bear with her, that was scant consolation. It’s been a few nights now and she keeps asking me why she has to sleep alone.

As far as moving ds5 into the boys’ room, I had a few reasons I preferred he not be there.

Until now the boys’ room was their sanctuary where they could go when they wanted to play together without the twins, without anyone touching their things. They could close the door and no one could come in without their permission. This personal space was important for them; I wanted them to know that their space, their toys, and their relationship with one another didn’t have to be shared.

Now that ds5 is in that room, it’s hard for everyone involved to have any privacy. Ds5 doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries or an internal sense of what appropriate usage of items is. He touches everything and needs very close guidance as to what can be used and how it can be used.

Previously he had a room that was his, he knew it was his stuff and he could touch whatever he wanted. Not only that, he could tell others to stay out if he wanted – they had to honor his boundaries, just like he had to honor their boundaries if they didn’t want him to come into their room. All of that was very good and healthy.

Now he’s in a room with things that are mostly off limits to him, that are special to ds11 and ds6. It’s already created so many conflicts…Ds6 is really struggling emotionally, whereas until this bedroom switch he was doing great. The social worker was amazed by his ability to sincerely welcome and include the twins, without feeling his place had been stolen.

We’ve focused from the time they’ve come on giving him tons of time and attention, and he’s felt secure with them being here. Until now. In the last few days he’s been crying often, getting hurt and insulted over very little things, getting upset at the twins for little things, constantly snatching his toys way and telling them not to touch them, and is generally unhappy. This is a child with a very sunny and easygoing nature. It hurts me to see him struggling. We’re doing our best to support everyone’s adjustment and hopefully soon they’ll all get used to it.

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A positive development that came up was that both twins will be placed in a new gan safa (kindergarten with extra supports) that will be opening in Yavneel. I’ve been trying and trying to find schools for them for the coming year and had no luck, so on one hand I’m relieved.

On the other hand, I don’t want them both in the same small class because it isn’t healthy for them – they need their time apart to develop their own relationships and this will push dd5 into a caregiving role for ds5 for the hours they are at school.

The concern of the two of them being in the same class was also discussed at the meeting. The brilliant committee minds found a perfect solution: since dd5 is on a higher level, they decided she can stay in this kindergarten for a few months, then be moved to a regular kindergarten without any supports.

I don’t want to say more than that’s not a plan that will be positive for her. But I’m continuing to trust that it will all work out for the best. Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.

(Update: Immediately after publishing this, I got an update from the social worker that there’s another change happening now – since dd5 is the only girl out of nine children registered for this kindergarten, they’re going to place her in a regular kindergarten instead. The twins won’t be together, which is really good, and she won’t have to make a switch in the middle of the year, which is also good, but she will be in a large class without the supports that she is supposed to have.)

In response to the question previously asked in the comment section: are the social workers pleased with how well the twins are doing?

At this meeting, it doesn’t seem any appreciation for or positivity about their progress was noted and instead they are skeptical that they could be doing so well because they ‘know’ these kids are difficult.

Time will do its work. Right now there’s a lot of oversight because it’s a new placement and the committee members have a lot of concerns based on the past. Hopefully as things fall into place and they see that we’re working with them, they’ll become more relaxed, and future committee meetings will be more positive.

Avivah

A couple of weeks ago I attended five end-of-the-year parties in a ten day period – four for our children, and one for a granddaughter. It was especially busy since all of the parties were in cities an hour drive away, except for our granddaughter, who is in Jerusalem. (I went to see our new granddaughter for the first time and then went to the party afterward).

Our first eleven children were born in ten different months; the exception is two birthdays in July. The summer is our busiest time for family birthdays, and with the twins’ birthday coming up in a month, it’s getting even busier.

I moved directly from being busy with end-of-year parties to being busy with birthday parties for the younger children. Ds11 celebrated his birthday in school a week ago and this Shabbos we’ll do his birthday circle. The twins will be on vacation when it’s their birthday, and since I think it’s important for them to celebrate with their current friends and teachers, I arranged with each of their teachers to have their class parties in the next few days.

Along with parties comes baking birthday cakes. I made ds11 a double layer cake with frosting and intended to do something similar for the twins. My oldest daughter lives locally and invited ds11 over yesterday for special time to bake a birthday cake together with her. I asked her if she could triple the recipe and make three cakes, and she agreed.

However, instead she made three completely different cakes. This morning when I showed ds5 his bulldozer cake, he was so excited! His face was shining.

Dd5 is asking about her cake (it’s still at my daughter’s house for finishing touches); she asked repeatedly for Hello Kitty which I have no idea how to make and wouldn’t have done, but my daughter did. I want it to be a surprise when she sees it so I’m not mentioning anything.

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Two months have passed since the twins joined our family, and it’s remarkable how much more normal it feels to have them with us.

In every new situation, beginnings are difficult, and our first weeks were challenging and exhausting, as I’ve shared. As time has gone by, my husband and I agreed that it no longer feels as hard having them.

The twins are SO much more relaxed and calm.

A few days ago, ds5 was overtired and when I took him to a room for some quiet time, he spent over an hour and a half screaming, flailing his entire body, kicking the bed he was on and punching the wall repeatedly before falling asleep in exhaustion (I stayed next to him the entire time). It was a good reminder of how far he’s come – in the beginning this happened at least once a day, but it’s been weeks since this has happened. When he’s tired, it’s usually very manageable with some hugs and extra attention.

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Dd5 slipped and hit her head hard a couple of days ago. She was just calming down when the social worker arrived. At that point, she switched to fake crying (it was obvious to the social worker, too) and continued for the next hour and forty five minute visit, sitting on my lap the entire time. Just as the social worker left, she began vomiting from crying so long and fell asleep.

She’s never cried this long before, though she used to fake cry a lot about a lot of things. When she first arrived, I noticed that she got hurt often and every little scratch was a topic of conversation for days. I inferred that something about getting hurt brought her the attention she sought in the past.

Her response to getting hurt has shifted a lot. She no longer talks all the time about all the things that hurt her and how it happened. She comes to me if she falls or gets hurt in some other way, and after some empathy, generally moves on to the next thing.

Dd5 used to seek contact non-stop and now that’s also dramatically improved. She used to need to touch me and talk to me all day long; even if I was napping, she would insistently wake me up to get that contact. I give a lot of hugs and squeezes throughout the day, and especially before bed. Now when I’m resting, she looks into my room and seeing me is enough for her to run off and continue her activities, even if my eyes are closed and I don’t look at her.

It wasn’t only me that she sought so much contact with, but everyone in her radius. Her indiscriminate seeking of connection was my biggest concern for her, as it would make her a target for predators.

This behavior was a significant factor in my consideration to bring the twins into our family – we were originally approached because they had a potential family for dd5 in our area and wanted to know if we would take ds5 so the twins could stay in the same area. When I heard the family willing to take her had an older foster son with challenging behaviors, I felt alarmed thinking of of a young girl with disordered attachment in that scenario.

A family member was here weeks ago and expressed concern about the seeking behavior she witnessed. I reassured her we understood it and were addressing it. She came to visit last week and commented how big a change there’s been and that she no longer sees anything out of the norm.

As things have settled down, as we’ve all gotten used to one another and established a daily and weekly flow, we’ve seen so many positive shifts in so many ways, much more than what I’ve shared about here. I no longer feel we’re constantly dealing with trauma responses but rather have shifted into mostly typical kid behavior.

Parenting the twins (and all of our children) isn’t effortless by any means. But emotionally it no longer feels like constant work. Attachment is the glue that smooths the hard places in relationships; with attachment comes good intentions, the desire to please and the willingness to overlook missteps (on both the side of the parent and child), all of which go very far in creating a positive environment. We love them and they love us, and that attachment is working well for all of us.

Avivah

>> I don’t know much about foster care but it seems like you need to be qualified for such work.  Is there training or it’s just people who really care about the children? <<

While there’s a process to qualify to become a foster parent, it’s more about them investigating you than teaching you about what’s involved and how to deal with the issues that will arise.

While in the US there are trainings for foster parents, here in Israel it’s very unfortunate for the children and for foster parents that there is almost no training nor support groups in my part of the country at this time. I don’t know if it’s different in other areas.

I did a two day mandatory training about nine months after ds6 came to us, but that was a one time event. I found it helpful for understanding a bit of the perspective of a child coming into foster care, but it came up short for how to deal with issues that arise.

Basically you learn in the training that you can’t punish, yell, get upset, threaten, hit, etc. So what do you do? Our past social worker was the trainer for the two day event, and when we had our final meeting before we moved, told me how much she learned from me. I think that’s because the majority of social workers may be able to talk about how to parent kids without punishments and threats, but they don’t have hands-on experience doing it – even those who train foster parents. But I’ve been parenting like this for a long time.

People are hopefully well-intended when they become foster parents, but without understanding the needs of the children and how to address them, they may be operating under a romantic vision of rescuing a child and that rainbow colored picture often doesn’t give enough stamina to cope day to day. I don’t believe in the white knight savior fantasy; if you build yourself up with thoughts of how amazing you are, you’re going to fall down that much faster and become very disillusioned.

I hope I’m not sounding negative because that’s really not my intention. It’s just so critical that people understand and be prepared for the reality, or it can have tragic results.

When I spoke with the twins’ temporary foster mother last week, she shared that she had two foster children who were placed with what was intended to be a long term family. Several months later, not being able to deal with the kids, they returned them. Children aren’t parcels to be sent here and there; this can and does cause lasting emotional damage to them.

I’m guessing the family was expecting the rose colored vision and were unprepared for the reality. If they had appropriate guidance, they might have recognized before committing to give the children a home, that it was too much for them. Or they may have gotten the help they needed to effectively address the challenges that came up, and been able to build a healthy family together.

Please don’t think I’m implying that children in foster care aren’t awesome human beings! They are kids whose families have failed them. There are different ways that can manifest, but for healing to occur, they need specific ways of parenting. Even if healing isn’t a goal, sloppy parenting will show its limitations very quickly and get in the way of a functional family life. Even worse, it can cause more damage to the children.

Some people have an intuitive understanding of what kids from hard places may be feeling, and can easily find compassion to address their needs appropriately. Most of us, though, get frustrated and confused about how to deal with issues without our own egos getting in the way, and we benefit from guidance and direction.

I’ve just been notified that due to the complexity of the twins’ situation, I’m going to be the recipient of parenting sessions. I suggested that it would have been appropriate for them to offer these sessions before and right after the twins arrived for us to be prepared, rather than wait three months after their arrival. They responded that they didn’t know what the children were like so sessions wouldn’t have helped, which made no sense to me, since they still haven’t met met the children, they’re not going to meet the children, and will continue to have no idea what they’re like beyond what I tell them. You don’t have to know the children to teach principles of trauma informed parenting. Fortunately I did my own research and study.

Though I’m always interested in learning more, these sessions involve weekly appointments over 45 minutes away in each direction, beginning during summer vacation when I have no one to watch the kids when I’m gone. We may be able to do the first one in person and continue on Zoom if traveling is too difficult, but right now these feel more like a burden than a help, and I can’t commit to even a first time meeting once the kids are home. I’ve requested a deferral of the parenting sessions until the school year begins and the kids are all back in school, and now have an appointment for the middle of September.

Another foster mother told me these sessions were helpful for her to deal with her biological children’s difficulties that came up when her foster son came to live with them, but did nothing to help her with his behaviors. I feel pretty comfortable dealing with our biological children as well as the twins, and right now my cost – benefit analysis of the offer comes out to it being more of a stress than a help.

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>>I’m curious if the social workers have commented on the tremendous growth you’re seeing.<<

Our social worker took the twins onto her caseload when they moved here, so she had no previous experience with them until then. All she knows about them is what is written into their paperwork and what was discussed in the group meetings I had with social workers, which wasn’t encouraging. Once they moved, their previous social worker no longer has contact with them – she’s the one who would really notice the changes.

However, our social worker is the one who needs to document their behaviors and she’s been very positive. The most problematic behavior that used to be seen daily has never happened since they came here, and there have been noticeable improvements in every area. She is convinced the changes are because of how we interact with them.

Today I gave the mother of one of ds11’s classmates a ride. We originally met in Beit Shemesh, when she gave birth to a child with T21, then fostered another a short time later – our younger boys were in classes adjacent to one another. Fast forward to now, we’re both living in northern Israel and our older boys are classmates.

She switched to the same foster care agency as me, and we now have the same social worker. She told me our social worker can’t say enough good about our family, that she’s so impressed. She told her she almost cries when she visits us and sees how the twins are doing. (Our social worker originally didn’t mention us by name, but this woman figured out who she was referring to, based on knowing us and me having mentioned to her right after we got the initial call that we were considering taking two children.) What you hear second hand isn’t always positive, so this was very nice feedback to hear!

While it’s good that the social workers are impressed or happy or relieved about how well the twins are doing, what I care about much more is how the twins feel about being here. Tonight I was doing bedtime when ds5 put his arms around my neck, looked me in the eyes, said, “I love you,” and kissed me on the cheek. While dd5 rattles off ‘I love yous’ more casually, he keeps his feelings to himself much more and when he said this, I could sense how deeply he felt it.

The successes can be subtle- my daughter from Jerusalem was visiting for a few hours today. She came for Shabbos a couple of weeks after the twins arrived, and found it overstimulating and overwhelming. Today she commented on how much calmer they are. It’s a very nice difference. While that may seem like a small thing, it’s only when a child feels safe that they can release some of the endless seeking and need for constant reassurance.

Avivah

One morning last week I was helping dd5 with something, when she exclaimed, “I’m happy!” “That’s nice,” I responded. “Why are you happy?”

And she answered, “I’m happy because I came to your family!”

Sometimes she’s bouncing from one thing to another and in the midst of it, heart-warming statements like this come out.

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I do a nightly read aloud with the twins using a flashlight to shine on the book since the night light isn’t bright enough. On Friday nights, I can’t use a flashlight so instead, I began telling them a story I made up – a story of how the twins arrived to our family. I describe how Hashem was looking for the best family for them, and the best children for us, and how he made the match. Then they arrived, one wrapped in silver paper and the other wrapped in gold paper, and I describe how happy we were as we unwrapped each of them and saw who they were. I end the story by telling them they are ‘matanot mishamayim – gifts from heaven’.

Yesterday I was in the pool with dd5 when she asked me, “Right I was sent to you from heaven?” “That’s right,” I responded, “You’re our present from heaven.” And she told me, “You’re also from heaven, for me.”

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This morning as I was helping ds5 get dressed, he told me he doesn’t want to go to kindergarten (which he loves so much that his past foster mother told him the biggest threat was telling him he wouldn’t be allowed to go). I asked him why he doesn’t want to go, and he told me he only wants to be at home, he likes that the best.

They’re doing really great, thank G-d.

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Since the twins are native Hebrew speakers and we are native English speakers, we’ve been asked how we’re dealing with that.

While I intend for them to eventually become fluent English speakers, the immediate priority has been to make them feel welcome and secure in our home. This meant only speaking to them in Hebrew, and dramatically limiting the Hebrew we spoke in their presence.

Israelis have chastised me for this, “No, you should speak to them in English, kids are fast learners!” Their comments are well-intended and reflect the value they have for fluent English. Practically speaking, doing as they suggest would increase the trauma for children moving to a new home, putting them in a situation where they have no idea what is going on around them or what people are saying to them. I’ve reassured the concerned Israelis that they’ll end up speaking English very well without adding to the trauma.

If the twins are nearby when I need to say something to ds6 or ds10, I’ll speak to the boys in Hebrew so the twins know what’s being said and don’t feel excluded. If we’re all at the dinner table, it’s mostly Hebrew. (In the beginning it was only Hebrew if they were around, but we’re slowly backing into more English with the older family members.)

If I’m speaking with my husband or one of the teens, I’ll speak in English as usual. They regularly ask us to translate different words and phrases they pick out.

A few days after they arrived, I began to slip in English words when referring to things that were obvious to them, like ‘grape juice’ when giving them kiddush, ‘chicken’ when serving dinner, ‘water’ when they ask for a drink, etc. They routinely use these words in the middle of Hebrew sentences now. I was amused when dd5, enjoying refreshments at her end of the year kindergarten party, asked the boy next to her in Hebrew, “Can you please pass me the ‘water’? (‘Water’ was said in English.) He looked at her quizzically and asked, “What’s ‘water’?

They’ve accumulated a good number of words like this, and the longer they’re here, the faster they increase their vocabulary.

They’re also picking up words and phrases on their own: ‘Come on, let’s go home, excuse me, you’re excused, please, no, stop, good morning, good night, I love you.’ They regularly ask me what something I’ve said in English means, and then I’ll try to include the words they’ve asked about into conversation to reinforce their learning.

When saying something simple to them in Hebrew, I recently started to repeat the sentence in English. They don’t have to ask what I meant, because it’s obvious to them I’ve saying the same thing.

I’ve made a couple of individualized videos using Gemiini, the language program I use for ds10 and ds6, to facilitate their language absorption; the first two videos were fruits and foods we commonly have. However, I’ve only played them a few times, since as much as possible I’d like to keep them away from screens, so while the videos were helpful, I can’t credit that for the bulk of their learning.

Avivah

My oldest son and his wife had their third child (a girl) yesterday, the same week they celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary and the fifth birthday of our oldest granddaughter!

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We are so grateful that transportation arrangements for the twins to attend kindergarten for the rest of the school year have finally been made this week!!! I was really worried that this wouldn’t happen before my husband needed to go back to work (he has two more days at home before he goes back), and that I’d be alone all day with them. They spent a bit over five weeks at home with us, and in that time it felt like every interaction with them was therapeutic work. 

Last night I spoke with a friend with whom I had fallen out of regular touch, who I learned had begun fostering several years ago. She told me in the three years she’s been fostering, this is the first time she’s talked with anyone about what it’s actually like. It’s so hard to explain how complex and difficult it can be; either it seems like you’re complaining or exaggerating, or they wonder why in the world you would have taken something like this on.

When writing, I grapple with the balance between honesty and negativity.  I constantly try to find a positive interpretation and understanding of people and their behavior, and that’s what I share here. When I share my process as I deal with challenges, I’m sometimes concerned that readers will think things are easier or simpler than they are, that there are pat answers to complex issues.

I feel this very much currently as I write about foster care. It can be a very difficult and challenging experience; we’ve taken in two children with complex issues and a lot of trauma, and that isn’t easily nor quickly addressed with warmth, smiles and good intentions. The first five weeks when they were home around the clock were really tough, and we all felt maxed out within ten days. “Overwhelming” was the word that everyone expressed, each one in private conversation.

It is draining to give and give and give; as my friend last night said, it’s like a vortex that sucks the energy out of everyone around them and still wants more. I highly doubt we will ever be able to give enough to fill that gaping hole completely, but my hope is to lessen that desperate drive for connection by giving them a consistent base of security and love.

We’re parenting children who are much, much younger than they look (it’s common for foster children to emotionally be 40 – 50% of their biological ages); a lack of nurturing leads to a lag in brain development.

I am intentional about just about everything I say and do with the twins, and am constantly working on the balance of different issues that are constantly in flux. For example, the balance between very clear boundaries, and giving them room for expression and independence. I have to be much more clear and consistent about boundaries with them than with my biological children, because they don’t yet show the ability to understand nuances or ambiguity.

Before they came I was concerned about not connecting emotionally with the twins, but fortunately that hasn’t been an issue. Along with the challenges, I look for their sweetness and good intentions, and I try to keep that in front of me all the time. That doesn’t mean the sweetness is just sitting there looking obvious. Sometimes it can be hard.

At the beginning of this week I met with their temporary foster mother, who I am increasingly impressed with the more I speak with her. It was nice to sit with someone who understands exactly what we’re dealing with. She  told me it was very hard for them and their adult children to emotionally connect with the twins because their behaviors caused people to distance themselves.

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I needed to say all of the above before I share some good things we’re seeing, because I don’t want to seem like it’s all unicorns and rainbows, or that there’s some magic happening. Actually, maybe it is somewhat magical to see how feeling safe and accepted positively affects children.

We all have strategies we choose as young children to get our needs met, and we tend to hold on to those strategies into adulthood, unless we do deep inner work to recognize we might want to consciously choose different strategies. For one it might be to be helpful, another will choose the role of a comic, someone else might focus on being physically attractive, and another to be dependent.

It was clear to me that being little was the security for ds5. He had an affected walk of a toddler, he communicated in large part with grunts, pointing and single words, he spoke in a squeaky baby voice and his overall emotional age was about an eighteen month old. He referred to himself as small and little, and acted like a very young child. 

I recognized his identity as ‘little’ gave him emotional security, but the survival strategy he adopted that at some time gave him the positive attention he sought was now backfiring and causing people to distance themselves and become irritated with him. To develop emotionally, physically and intellectually, he was going to need to release that baby identity, and learn that it was safe to be big.

To do that, I didn’t address anything directly – I didn’t tell him to stop talking like a baby, act like a big boy or anything like that. In fact, I did some things that might seem counterintuitive. Knowing that he missed critical steps of nurturing from the time he was born and that healing requires going back in time to give those missing experiences, I held and hugged him a lot, rocked him, carried him when he was capable of walking on his own, fed him (I did this for dd5 as well) – a tremendous amount of nurture like what you would give a little baby. I encouraged dependency. 

I simultaneously wanted to let him know it was safe to be big, that he didn’t have to be a baby to get love. At the same time I was giving all this nurturing,  I looked for ways to stretch his picture of himself, and after he did something would comment, ‘Wow, just like a big boy!” This week he’s begun to refer to himself as ‘big’.

Ds5 has made noticeable strides in the way he speaks, walks and runs. He still has a young voice and is a little squeaky but doesn’t usually use the falsetto that was his old normal. His little fanny wiggle and minced steps don’t make an appearance unless he’s tired or about to do something he knows he shouldn’t do. His restricted body movements have become more relaxed and he walks and runs much more normally.

He was diagnosed with very low cognition, and I’m continuing to work to develop his thinking skills. He repeatedly asks the same questions, over and over again, just like a toddler. After answering once or twice, when he asks another time, I’ll pause and ask him what he thinks the answer is. Then he’ll tell me the answer, to which I’ll enthusiastically reflect, “Exactly, you remember what we talked about!” or something like that.

Our five year old son’s teacher told me after his first day back that she saw noticeable differences since he was there six weeks ago: he’s calmer, more focused and able to learn better. She said it was obvious we were doing a lot of work with him. It was very affirming to hear that others can see clear differences in the time they’ve been with us. 

About dd5 – she’s a very different person, with very different needs that aren’t as visible but emotionally are more significant. Again, our focus is on helping her feel secure, loved and appreciated for who she is. If time allows, I’d like to talk about what an attachment disorder is in a different post, where it comes from and how we’re working on that.

Another thing I’d like to share about is ADD/ADHD and it’s prevalence for kids from hard places, why this is and what we can do about it. No promises, because time is really tight now.

For now, I’ll say that my primary focus for her is to build attachment and a feeling of security as the foundation, with the expectation that as this builds, her behaviors will shift along with it.

Her teacher told me they’re wondering what happened to her, because she’s so much more quiet. Now, I took her to school the first day and she was far from quiet; she’s never quiet or still unless she’s asleep. I asked for clarification from the teacher, and she said it’s not a bad thing, but she used to be jumpy and have non-stop energy, and that’s different now. My explanation is that as the children feel more safe, they experience some inner quiet that counters the nonstop inner agitation and restlessness. So to my mind, being more quiet is a good thing in her case and I hope we see this continue.

While it was a tough period being home with them for so long, to see them emotionally gain so much is a big deal. There’s a long way to go; there are no quick fixes. We’re not trying to change them. We appreciate them as they are, and trust that the safer and calmer they feel, the more healthy development they’ll experience.

Avivah

My husband left to the US again, this time for a family wedding and taking ds14 with him. Several weeks ago, I stressed to the foster care agency that they must have schooling arrangements in place before he leaves, because I. cannot. do. this. myself.

Well, the arrangements for school transportation still haven’t been made. Clearly G-d knows this is the best situation for all involved despite my preferences, and since the external situation hadn’t changed, I needed to consciously shift the way I was thinking. I focused on gratitude and appreciation for the opportunity to raise all of these children, and told myself, “I get to be with them” rather than “I have to be with them”.

For the first two days, ds5 and ds6 had a fever and were out of sorts. Waking up on day 4, I told myself, just one more day to get through.

I planned a trip to my daughter’s pool for the afternoon, after insisting everyone had to rest first because they were so irritable. Miracle of miracles, for the first time ever, ds5, dd5 and ds6 (who stayed home from school because he didn’t feel well) all fell asleep. It was clearly very needed, and though I didn’t sleep for long at all, the ten or fifteen minutes I slept was very helpful.

When I got up, a fire had broken out on the mountain across from us. Within ten minutes, all of the children had woken up. It was dramatic and interesting to watch local citizens rushing to help, beating back flames as huge black clouds of smoke rose into the sky. As time passed, fire planes came to douse the mountain with water from above. This was fascinating and exciting. It also became an opportunity to learn about ds5’s capacity to tolerate noise.

Seeing he was becoming distressed from the sound of the airplanes, I went inside with the twins, then shut the doors and windows to block the sound. It wasn’t enough. The drone of the planes over the next hour drove him to crying and tantruming with almost no breaks for the next three hours. He was irritated and annoyed by everything, unable to be soothed or comforted, but insisting he needed to me to hold him.

As I held him, he twisted and turned restlessly, whining and crying. After an hour or so of holding him, I told him I was going to stand up and would put him on the couch next to me; he collapsed even further, lying on the ground screaming before shifting to jumping up and down screaming about whatever it was he wanted in that moment.

I gave him some lunch, which he turned around and fed to the dog. (I allow them to give appropriate leftovers at the end of a meal, but not before that.) Then he began crying he had no food; when I gave him more, he cried it was too hot. When it cooled off he screamed he didn’t like it. And so it went.

It was clear he was in a state of sensory overload, and while holding him was able to tone down his distress a notch, I was feeling stretched very, very thin. I was also now experiencing sensory overload.

At some point, I realized if I was going to be able to continue to be compassionate and helpful, I needed to have a few quiet minutes to myself without someone yelling and rubbing snot all over me. After giving food, drinks and hugs, I went into my bedroom, letting them know I’d be out in a few minutes.

Within ten seconds, our dog was at the closed door wanting to be let in. When I go to my bedroom, if the dog is in the house he always follow within a few minutes. If the door is closed, he jumps on the door handle repeatedly until he gets the door open or until I let him in. I quickly let him in.

Less than a half a minute after entering my room, ds5 had moved from jumping up and down screaming next to the couch to doing so next to my bedroom door. Dd5 helpfully banged on the door, telling me ds5 wanted me, than kicked it to try to get the door open. At the same time, someone called to let me know ds10 and ds6, who had been outside watching the fire with some neighbors, had migrated to her house and didn’t want to leave. That was my five minute break.

Sometimes you just have to find humor in a situation!

I spoke to ds10 on the phone, told him we were going swimming soon and asked him to bring ds6 back with him. I couldn’t leave the house to get them myself, since I couldn’t leave the twins alone even for a few minutes, and taking them out with me at that point was an impossibility. When he got home, I had him give ice pops to everyone. While ds10 doled them out and they all slurped away, this created ten minutes of blessed quiet.

It was now the time I usually began winding down to lead into dinner and the evening routine. It so late that I really didn’t want to take them swimming, but I had told them if they took a nap that’s what we’d do, and I really try to keep my word.

Within five minutes I got everyone dressed in swim clothes and off we went. We were out for a short time, which three of the children enjoyed – one little boy was having a hard time relaxing. But I was still glad to have done it.

We came home, had dinner, and before putting the children to bed, I needed to milk the three goats (since ds14 went to the US and ds15 went to a wedding that evening, I didn’t have their help). This wasn’t something that was optional to do, since it would cause suffering to the animals to leave them unmilked, and I couldn’t wait until after the children were all asleep, since I was already late for the usual time.

When one goat began pushing at me with her head and a second began lifting her leg and repeatedly kicking my arm in the same place I had gotten cut a day before, my tolerance was gone. I pushed each roughly against the wall they were standing by and told them to stop it and stand there. When one stood very still and gave me a hairy side eyeball, I realized I was being unreasonable and I better calm down before interacting with anyone or anything.

I took two minutes to sit there quietly, then apologized to them, patted each for a minute, and continued milking them. Though the children were running in and out of the house arguing and complaining, this time gave me the opportunity to emotionally detach from all the overtired behavior and the stresses of the day before putting all of the children to sleep.

Bedtime was delayed, but it went smoothly and peacefully for everyone. Soon after I finished, I hosted our weekly parenting discussion group, which is always a nice opportunity to connect with adults.

I’ll be going away for the next day and a half to a retreat for mothers of children with special needs. The hotel where it is being held is twenty five minutes from here, so I’ll be going directly there rather than joining the chartered bus leaving from Jerusalem. I was disappointed last night to learn that I’ll miss a half a day of the planned activities since additional trips are planned on the way to the hotel, so they won’t get there until late in the afternoon. But I’m looking forward to the opportunity to connect with other mothers, and recharge with some quiet and fun.

Avivah

Since the twins arrived four weeks ago, I’ve consistently told them that they’re now part of our family, and in any way that I could, tried to help them feel a sense of being welcome and belonging.

One night last week after our bedtime routine – when the kids are relaxed they become very open – dd5 asked, “Right, now we’re Mishpachat Werner?” (Translation: Now we’re the Werner family?) Yes, I assured her, you are.

She was quiet for a moment and then asked, “When are we going to move to another family?”

I can’t tell her something I don’t know to be true, like that she’ll be here forever and never leave, even though I’d love to be able to say that. It’s in the hands of the court, not mine. I was disturbed when their social worker told them she’s always going to be there for them. I understand her wanting to reassure them, but she knows she’s going to see them one more time and probably never again – please, please don’t lie to them! That will lead them to distrust people even more.

I told her, “You’re our family and I hope you’re going to stay with us for a very, very, very long time.”

Ds17 told me today that ds5 asked him about when they’re going to live in another house. Also today, he was pushing dd5 in the swing when she asked, “Right you’re never going to leave us?”

The heavy weights and worries these young children have inside them, bottled up and chewing away at them…They are seeking the confirmation that they belong here and won’t have to leave, but their life history has programmed them to expect loved ones to suddenly disappear from their lives.

To me ‘family’ means being accepted and part of, no matter what. They don’t hold that same definition of family in their hearts. While my intention for telling them they’re now part of our family was to cement their feeling of security and belonging, I realized it means very little to them and offers only momentary reassurance. When they’re feeling really peaceful and loved, the fear comes up that it could be taken away any minute and they have to check in about when they’re going to leave.

They’re almost six; their programming has been going on for years and reprogramming them to believe that they are wanted, safe, loved and that the world is a good place that they can trust will take years. I knew that going into this.

But it struck me forcefully when dd5 asked that question of me, how even in a home with so much love and security surrounding them, they remain uncertain and fearful about what will happen to them.

Avivah

It’s very poignant, the thought of taking in two needy children, showering them with love and helping them come to a place of security and love, isn’t it?

There’s a reality to balance with that emotionally evocative picture that translates into a tremendous amount of time and energy. Foster parenting is different than regular parenting. When you’re parenting children who have a completely empty love tank, you barely keep them above empty even when giving to them constantly in every way. If they perceive you as not filling that tank for even a short time, they don’t have emotional reserves to fall back on. As a result, they can switch to feeling empty in a moment and a lot of negative emotions come out.

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The first week, my husband and I were with the twins all the time. While we both really enjoyed the active presence of one another throughout the day, after a week we were exhausted and realized we needed to find a way to give each other breaks.

The second week, I would be on for a few hours, then he would take over so I could rest. Then I would spend time with them so he could do what he needed to do.

While this was very functional, emotionally it wasn’t working well for us. Our relationship is what energizes us to do whatever it is that we do, and for us to spend so little time together was draining and left both of us feeling depleted.

We’re trying to find the balance, to find time with each other as a couple, for both of us to simultaneously spend time with the children, and to still have self-time to do other things that need to be done.

Although the children are doing great and it’s clearly very beneficial for them to be home full-time with us, we have a lot of people and their needs to take into account. My husband and I have discussed that and decided that we’re not able to have them at home full-time for the coming months, as we originally desired (and still believe would be ideal).

This isn’t just because of the needs of our wider family, but because the additional involvement and extra demands being put on me by social services is becoming burdensome (they want their expert to meet with me, create a plan for their days, then for me to execute and report on that plan). While I understand why they want that, I’m not interested in being their unpaid worker following their directions. It’s due to my desire to provide them with the framework that I want them to have that they’re experiencing much more than what they would get in their special needs schools or any plan someone would put together for them. This is a perfect example of how external control decreases intrinsic motivation and desire.

As a result, we’ve decided that it would be good for them to go back to their kindergartens. I spoke to our social worker to let her know; she completely understood and supported our decision. However, there’s now an issue with not having someone available to accompany them on the ride to and from school, so for now we don’t know when they will resume attending school.

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Fortunately, it’s getting easier and more enjoyable to be with the twins as time goes on so it’s less urgent to me that they go back to school than when I spoke to the social worker about it a week ago, and as long as I’m not officially keeping them home with us, social services isn’t going to be on top of me about executing their desired daily schedule. I’m seeing lots of signs of positive shifts in their responses and behaviors.

In the beginning, they were very afraid of not being with me. If I went to the bathroom, they would anxiously try to open the door. If I lay down for a nap while my husband was with them, I would leave the door open and they would repeatedly come in and touch me and talk to me. If I closed the door, they would within a few minutes open it. If I locked the door, they would rattle it in a panic. (Again, all of these times were when my husband and often sons were with them; they weren’t alone.) Even if I closed my eyes for a moment in their presence, one would worriedly asking why I was closing my eyes.

When they woke up out early in the morning and came out to find me in our yard, they would ask me why I left them alone, by themselves. They also were afraid to play in the yard without me being there every moment. I explained to them that our yard is part of our house, and I’m not leaving them when I step from the house into the yard, or from the yard into the house. I’ve reassured them a number of times, Mommy doesn’t leave her children and I’m not going to leave them alone by themselves.

The constant proximity isn’t easy. It’s very intensive and it’s exhausting. While you may think that it’s easy for me because I’ve homeschooled for so many years and I’m used to having people around me all the time, it’s not true. I relish and treasure my personal time and space, and it’s a huge thing for me to give up my quiet mornings that I’ve only had for the last year and a half (after almost three decades of parenting). However, when I focus on being compassionate and cognizant of their needs, it helps me access my willingness to extend myself and be more patient.

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Yesterday when I lay down to rest, each of the twins came in to see me. They saw I was resting with my eyes closed and went out without speaking to me, and dd5 closed the door behind her when she went out. That was completely her initiative; no one suggested it to her. Then she did it today several times. Do you know how huge it is for a child who has a fear of closed and locked doors (for good reason), to feel safe enough to voluntarily close a door between her and her security person, and trust that I’m still here for her?

There have been a lot of emotional storms, and while I don’t expect them to disappear, they’re gradually decreasing in intensity, frequency and duration. Ds5 gets increasingly hyped up and emotionally depleted as the day goes on, and I’ve recognized that physical connection and the reassurance of being held help him regulate. When I see him start to get a little wound up, I put him on my lap and sit with him in a rocking chair or on the patio bench swing.

In the beginning he fought this – the first time he screamed and kicked for 45 minutes while telling me how miserable I was making him, until he fell asleep while I rocked him the entire time. Every day there has been resistance, but it’s been decreasing significantly. A few times in the last couple of days when I put him on my lap, he not only didn’t physically resist, but seemed to welcome it, and put his head on my chest and relaxed into me.

Ds5 has a lot of babyish behaviors: grunting in a high pitched way and pointing to things instead of talking, crawling on the floor and rubbing against my ankles mewing like a cat, and communicating throughout the day in very limited ways. It’s not enjoyable, but each of us has the reasons we act as we do. I could and might write a post on how I’m addressing this, where I think it’s coming from and why, but relevant to this post is that it’s improving. He’s speaking much more and expressing himself more appropriately. There’s a ways to go but I’m optimistic.

My favorite part of the day is bedtime, and theirs, too. Their favorite minute of the entire day is when I sing an additional stanza at the end of Hamalach. I’ve been singing this to my children for years: “Remember that you, are special, too, like Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov”. Since the twins are Hebrew speakers, I added two short lines of translation to the song it for them: Remember that you – tizkor she’ata; are special too – meyuchad gam (and then the feminine version for dd5).

A few days after they came, dd5 asked me when we were going to sing ‘presh two’. I didn’t know what she meant, and I was mentally filing though what she could be talking about, when I realized she meant the part of the song when I sing “remember that you are special, too” (presh two = special too). It was moving to see how much it meant to her.

When I began singing this to ds5 in the first days, he laid on his side and didn’t look at me. Slowly, each night he moved his body so he would be facing me more and more, until now he lays on his back looking directly into my face. As I sing Shema, his eyes begin shining and he smiles the entire time. Last night when I was in the middle of the first paragraph after saying shema, before even getting to Hamalach, he pulled my hand close to him and hugged it, then started kissing it. A moment later he sat up and began hugging and hugging me. He was so happy he couldn’t keep it inside.

People have asked me why I’m doing this at this stage of my life; don’t I want to take it easy and enjoy having the physical demands of raising children mostly behind me? It’s true that it’s a lot of work, and if the purpose of my life was to have more vacation time, this wouldn’t be something I would have stepped up for. I want to live a life that is meaningful, and for me, having these children in our family is meaningful and worthwhile.

Avivah