It’s very poignant, the thought of taking in two needy children, showering them with love and helping them come to a place of security and love, isn’t it?

There’s a reality to balance with that emotionally evocative picture that translates into a tremendous amount of time and energy. Foster parenting is different than regular parenting. When you’re parenting children who have a completely empty love tank, you barely keep them above empty even when giving to them constantly in every way. If they perceive you as not filling that tank for even a short time, they don’t have emotional reserves to fall back on. As a result, they can switch to feeling empty in a moment and a lot of negative emotions come out.

——————————————

The first week, my husband and I were with the twins all the time. While we both really enjoyed the active presence of one another throughout the day, after a week we were exhausted and realized we needed to find a way to give each other breaks.

The second week, I would be on for a few hours, then he would take over so I could rest. Then I would spend time with them so he could do what he needed to do.

While this was very functional, emotionally it wasn’t working well for us. Our relationship is what energizes us to do whatever it is that we do, and for us to spend so little time together was draining and left both of us feeling depleted.

We’re trying to find the balance, to find time with each other as a couple, for both of us to simultaneously spend time with the children, and to still have self-time to do other things that need to be done.

Although the children are doing great and it’s clearly very beneficial for them to be home full-time with us, we have a lot of people and their needs to take into account. My husband and I have discussed that and decided that we’re not able to have them at home full-time for the coming months, as we originally desired (and still believe would be ideal).

This isn’t just because of the needs of our wider family, but because the additional involvement and extra demands being put on me by social services is becoming burdensome (they want their expert to meet with me, create a plan for their days, then for me to execute and report on that plan). While I understand why they want that, I’m not interested in being their unpaid worker following their directions. It’s due to my desire to provide them with the framework that I want them to have that they’re experiencing much more than what they would get in their special needs schools or any plan someone would put together for them. This is a perfect example of how external control decreases intrinsic motivation and desire.

As a result, we’ve decided that it would be good for them to go back to their kindergartens. I spoke to our social worker to let her know; she completely understood and supported our decision. However, there’s now an issue with not having someone available to accompany them on the ride to and from school, so for now we don’t know when they will resume attending school.

—————————–

Fortunately, it’s getting easier and more enjoyable to be with the twins as time goes on so it’s less urgent to me that they go back to school than when I spoke to the social worker about it a week ago, and as long as I’m not officially keeping them home with us, social services isn’t going to be on top of me about executing their desired daily schedule. I’m seeing lots of signs of positive shifts in their responses and behaviors.

In the beginning, they were very afraid of not being with me. If I went to the bathroom, they would anxiously try to open the door. If I lay down for a nap while my husband was with them, I would leave the door open and they would repeatedly come in and touch me and talk to me. If I closed the door, they would within a few minutes open it. If I locked the door, they would rattle it in a panic. (Again, all of these times were when my husband and often sons were with them; they weren’t alone.) Even if I closed my eyes for a moment in their presence, one would worriedly asking why I was closing my eyes.

When they woke up out early in the morning and came out to find me in our yard, they would ask me why I left them alone, by themselves. They also were afraid to play in the yard without me being there every moment. I explained to them that our yard is part of our house, and I’m not leaving them when I step from the house into the yard, or from the yard into the house. I’ve reassured them a number of times, Mommy doesn’t leave her children and I’m not going to leave them alone by themselves.

The constant proximity isn’t easy. It’s very intensive and it’s exhausting. While you may think that it’s easy for me because I’ve homeschooled for so many years and I’m used to having people around me all the time, it’s not true. I relish and treasure my personal time and space, and it’s a huge thing for me to give up my quiet mornings that I’ve only had for the last year and a half (after almost three decades of parenting). However, when I focus on being compassionate and cognizant of their needs, it helps me access my willingness to extend myself and be more patient.

——————————-

Yesterday when I lay down to rest, each of the twins came in to see me. They saw I was resting with my eyes closed and went out without speaking to me, and dd5 closed the door behind her when she went out. That was completely her initiative; no one suggested it to her. Then she did it today several times. Do you know how huge it is for a child who has a fear of closed and locked doors (for good reason), to feel safe enough to voluntarily close a door between her and her security person, and trust that I’m still here for her?

There have been a lot of emotional storms, and while I don’t expect them to disappear, they’re gradually decreasing in intensity, frequency and duration. Ds5 gets increasingly hyped up and emotionally depleted as the day goes on, and I’ve recognized that physical connection and the reassurance of being held help him regulate. When I see him start to get a little wound up, I put him on my lap and sit with him in a rocking chair or on the patio bench swing.

In the beginning he fought this – the first time he screamed and kicked for 45 minutes while telling me how miserable I was making him, until he fell asleep while I rocked him the entire time. Every day there has been resistance, but it’s been decreasing significantly. A few times in the last couple of days when I put him on my lap, he not only didn’t physically resist, but seemed to welcome it, and put his head on my chest and relaxed into me.

Ds5 has a lot of babyish behaviors: grunting in a high pitched way and pointing to things instead of talking, crawling on the floor and rubbing against my ankles mewing like a cat, and communicating throughout the day in very limited ways. It’s not enjoyable, but each of us has the reasons we act as we do. I could and might write a post on how I’m addressing this, where I think it’s coming from and why, but relevant to this post is that it’s improving. He’s speaking much more and expressing himself more appropriately. There’s a ways to go but I’m optimistic.

My favorite part of the day is bedtime, and theirs, too. Their favorite minute of the entire day is when I sing an additional stanza at the end of Hamalach. I’ve been singing this to my children for years: “Remember that you, are special, too, like Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov”. Since the twins are Hebrew speakers, I added two short lines of translation to the song it for them: Remember that you – tizkor she’ata; are special too – meyuchad gam (and then the feminine version for dd5).

A few days after they came, dd5 asked me when we were going to sing ‘presh two’. I didn’t know what she meant, and I was mentally filing though what she could be talking about, when I realized she meant the part of the song when I sing “remember that you are special, too” (presh two = special too). It was moving to see how much it meant to her.

When I began singing this to ds5 in the first days, he laid on his side and didn’t look at me. Slowly, each night he moved his body so he would be facing me more and more, until now he lays on his back looking directly into my face. As I sing Shema, his eyes begin shining and he smiles the entire time. Last night when I was in the middle of the first paragraph after saying shema, before even getting to Hamalach, he pulled my hand close to him and hugged it, then started kissing it. A moment later he sat up and began hugging and hugging me. He was so happy he couldn’t keep it inside.

People have asked me why I’m doing this at this stage of my life; don’t I want to take it easy and enjoy having the physical demands of raising children mostly behind me? It’s true that it’s a lot of work, and if the purpose of my life was to have more vacation time, this wouldn’t be something I would have stepped up for. I want to live a life that is meaningful, and for me, having these children in our family is meaningful and worthwhile.

Avivah

It’s been fascinating and touching to see changes in the children in the short time they’ve been here.

When we met them and played with them, they talked about monsters. When we talked about them coming to live with us, they asked us if we have monsters in our house. I reassured them that we have very strong big brothers (I put pictures of them in the album we gave them) and a dog, and the monsters are very scared of them so they don’t come to our house.

Anyway, I continued, our house is only for nice people and monsters don’t want to be with us because they’re not nice. Before we walked in the door of our house, they asked about this again, and I told them the same thing. The question about monsters came up a few times, and each time I reassured them that we have no monsters because the monsters are scared to come to our house.

The first full day they were here, the twins discovered the dress up box. They loved it! They are having a lot of new experiences here, and being able to freely choose their games is part of that new experience (and choose their food, and their clothes, and their books, and so on!).

Ds5 combined one of the costumes together with a mask and a helmet that he brought with him in an interesting way – as the Princess Monster.

Could this child have created a costume in which he would be more emotionally defended than this? His face can’t be seen at all, nothing can be revealed. He’s completely covered from head to toe. After this he curled up on his side and lay on the swing (in his costume) while I pushed him for a long time. Obviously this felt secure to him.

(When my husband saw this mask, he was surprised since it’s not the kind of thing I keep around. I don’t, but it was a gift from his bio parents. Though I dislike scary superhero masks like this one, it’s his and I’m not going to make it disappear.)

Noticing that we had a shortage of female costumes and now have a little girl who would appreciate more female selections, over the next day I sewed a cape and matching skirt from pink satin material with star cutouts that I had in my fabric box. I also put a couple of little girl dresses in that I wouldn’t find suitable for everyday but are cute for dress-up (these are now the favorites of dd5 and dgd4 – granddaughter).

They continued dressing up, though not every day and not for as long in the first couple of days.

Since that first morning, ds5 has never put together a costume that covers his face. I didn’t think anything about his choice of costumes at the time other than it was creative. Now that I look back, I see it was much more than that – it was a way for him to protect himself at a time of uncertainty and vulnerability.

I was thinking about the difference in the way they use the dress up costumes now, and then realized that not only are they not dressing up as monsters or policemen (they had a traumatic removal by policemen from their home), neither of them has asked about monsters since the second day. I hope they’ve put their fear of monsters to rest for now.

—————————————

From the first picture I saw of ds5, I noticed a kind of look he had about him. It was almost like his brow was furrowed with tension, regardless of what activity he was in the middle of; this look didn’t leave him even when sleeping.

My days with him from about noon and on have been intense, as he gets increasingly tired and regresses into more and more behaviors that need a lot of calm and understanding to navigate. Yesterday at 4 pm I looked at him – usually a time he’s emotionally wound tight – and I thought, ‘What happened to his face? He looks so sweet!’

Then I realized, the fear is leaving his face and his expression is starting to relax. There’s still tension in his brow, but the intensity on his face has shifted. This really took me aback. I would sometimes look at him and hope that one day he’ll be able to let go of whatever fear is inside him that’s creating that expression, but never dreamed we would see a physical change like this so quickly.

Avivah

The engine on our car suddenly went a couple of weeks ago, a week after spending 7000 shekels fixing everything and passing the test.

Unfortunately for us, a mechanic didn’t fix an oil leak or tell us it was still a problem so it ran dry, despite us being regular about maintenance. My teens think we should hold them responsible them for negligence but my husband said clearly G-d wanted to move this car out of our lives. It couldn’t die a natural death from old age since we had replaced everything and it ran well.

Yesterday my husband bought a new car, and to celebrate our mobility, we took the four youngest kids to a zoo close by. I bought a family membership there a few weeks ago. At that point I had to sign up all the children by name, and though I didn’t yet know if the twins would be coming, I added their names rather than deal with the future awkwardness of having to show foster care paperwork for guardianship.

When you have a membership, there’s no inner pull that you should go see this or that or the other, because you’ve just spent over 50 shekels a person admission fee. You can do whatever feels fun for the children right then, and as you go more often, the positive anticipation builds since they’re going somewhere familiar and they know what they have to look forward to.

We were fortunate that we got there towards the end of the day, so we were the only ones there.

Our little three kiddos are such a cute group. They mostly get along well and are just so sweet, individually and on their own. Ds10 overall seems happy to have them with us, too – his role is the big brother.

When you enter, each child is given a cup of feed to give to the various animals there. We started off with the parrots.

At the entrance they have a line-up of ride on cars for kids. Ds6’s favorite part is zooming around and around. It’s a really nice feeling of freedom for a young child; it’s completely enclosed and he never goes too far.

On one of his rounds, he met the woman who worked there and asked for a drink. She asked him if he was allowed to have a slurpee. He came back and asked me, and I said yes, thinking he was asking about something else. I was surprised when a few minutes later, all of the children were happily sipping their slurpees! It was a nice treat for them, and the woman working there was clearly happy to give it to them as a gift.

Ds5 was most interested in all the tractors and golf carts that were available to play on. He was very disappointed that they couldn’t be moved, though.

When I did my shopping for ds6 for the summer, I bought matching shirts for ds5, though I didn’t know yet if he’d be coming. The first morning when the two youngest boys got dressed in their matching shirts, dd5 was disappointed she didn’t have a matching shirt, too. Since I had purchased a few long sleeved polo shirts at the same time, today I was able to give her the red one to wear.

They were so excited they were all wearing matching shirts! They were exclaiming over it together and did a spontaneous group hug. “Right we’re all wearing the same thing because we’re friends?” “Yes, you’re friends and you’re brothers and sisters.”

I intend to take the children here regularly. Though it was 105 degrees outside, thanks to the shade trees and breeze, it felt cooler there. They have different attractions we’ll explore in different visits; I appreciate the opportunity to empower the children by giving them the choice of what they want to see and do.

Avivah

While routines for any child are beneficial, routines for kids from hard places are critical. Generally they’ve experienced a lot of instability from their early years in all aspects of their daily lives, and predictability is extremely reassuring for them.

I asked a lot about the specifics of their routines at their last placement, so I could continue as much as possible with what the twins were already familiar with. This included getting details of their morning schedule, what they eat, how they take a shower, and their bedtime routine.

I very much appreciate that their last foster mother was very good at creating structure. She’s been an emergency placement foster parent for 3.5 years, and the twins were her 8th and 9th placements.

Additionally she worked for many years as a house mother at a children’s village, where something like 11 or 12 children who can’t live at home live with a family in an apartment within the educational institution. Over the course of many years she was housemother for close to 200 children. Her walls are filled with collages of many of those children, now grown.

She told me the twins are the most difficult children she’s ever worked with. (I think the best translation for how she described them when they arrived would be ‘feral’.) I’m extremely grateful for the daily discipline she brought to their lives. Her investment in them has made it much easier for me to implement our own routines, adding to and tweaking what they were used to.

The most structured parts of our day are our morning routine on waking up, and after dinner routine. Together with three daily mealtimes and three daily snack times, these are the anchors for our day.

Everyone is appreciating the night time routine; the consistency is benefiting all of us. By the time our teen boys come home at night, the house is still and peaceful. As a bonus, my husband and I have some quiet time before the teens arrival.

Our evening is as follows. We eat dinner at 6 pm, followed by the four youngest children (ideally) brushing teeth at the same time. While the boys enjoy some outdoor time, I help dd5 shower (she likes to be first and with waist length hair, it takes her the longest). While she gets dressed and ready for bed, my husband showers our five year old son, then helps our six and ten year olds.

(I’d appreciate feedback on the terminology I’m using when referring to the twins. While my intention is to treat them as our children, I don’t want to seem as if I’m intending to preempt or replace their parents from whom they were removed. When abbreviating for the sake of brevity, do you think it’s more appropriate to use dfs and dfd – ‘dear foster son’ and ‘dear foster daughter’, in place of my usual dd and ds – ‘dear son’ and ‘dear daughter’? )

As soon as dd5 is ready, I begin the next phase of bedtime. I sit on her bed and read her the story of her choice. Then I sing Shema with her, followed by Hamalach HaGoel. Usually by then, ds5 has come into the room, freshly bathed and in pajamas.

Then I move to his bed, and sit on his bed to read the same story. She moves over to the bed to sit with me there, too, to listen a second time to the book. When the story is finished, she moves back to her bed, while I sing Shema and Hamalach with him. Then we have three hugs and three kisses for each of them – a big hug (deep hugs are good for sensory calming), a kiss, a big hug, a kiss, a big hug and a kiss. I tuck them each in with the stuffed animals that we gave them (they ask for that), give them a blanket if they request it, put water bottles next to the bed of each, and say goodnight.

In the first days, dd would come out after we finished our bedtime ritual. She would say: she wants more hugs, she’s thirsty, she loves me, she thinks I’m beautiful, her stomach hurts, she’s scared to be there without me, she needs water, she needs the bathroom, she’s hungry…you get the idea.

I realized after a couple of nights that more hugs and reassurance weren’t the answer. She needed to have very clear boundaries about what the parameters of bedtime were in our home. So I began talking with them at the beginning of bedtime about what would happen.

First I verbally detailed everything I wrote above.

Then I added, “After hugs and kisses, I’m going to tell you, ‘Good night, sweet dreams’. After that we’re not going to hug each other until the morning, but tomorrow there will be lots of hugs all day long. You’re going to stay in your bed. I’m not going to talk anymore after we say ‘good night’ but I’m going to be very close by in the kitchen or dining room. You’re going to see me in the morning and I’m going to be so happy to see you!”

Then right after we finished our bedtime routine, I would say ‘Good night’ and dd would start telling me not to leave. I would remind her, “Remember what we’re going to do? We’re going to have hugs in the morning but no more talking now.”

Now after nine days, they stay in their beds and fall asleep quickly. Bedtime is a nice way for all of us to close the day together, and while I was hesitant that by putting these boundaries into place it would seem overly strict, I’ve seen in this situation and in others that they welcome the clarity.

Avivah

Since the twins have arrived almost a week ago, I’ve been musing about perceptions, judgments and the conclusions we come to about people.

Our social worker has checked in a few times to check how things have been going. Honestly, it’s been really good and going much more smoothly than we expected; she’s been surprised at our positive feedback based on what her understanding of the children was.

In the different meetings I had with the social workers and the short term foster mother, I gleaned as many details about the twins as I could. It was a daunting description.

Now that we’re having our own experience with them, my husband and I both are surprised at the many discrepancies between what we were told and what we are seeing in our home. Here’s a list of some things that so far haven’t been accurate to what we were told:

• They’re picky eaters, won’t touch a long list of foods – but – they’ve eaten everything I’ve served at every meal and snack, with no pressure. Several times I’ve served a food they tell me they don’t like, and I tell them that’s fine, they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to eat. So far, almost every single time within a few minutes they ask for a small serving. And then they keep eating more! (I’ve also told them they can have as much or as little as they want.)

• They’re destructive, you can’t leave anything around them because they’ll destroy it in a moment – they’ve broken and ruined the best quality toys and games, every single one, every water bottle – nothing is safe in their presence. But – while I’ve sometimes had to redirect their use of different items, they haven’t broken anything. They can be quick to get into things and I can see how with less supervision they might use things in a way that you wouldn’t want them to. Since we stay close by and interact with them all day long, that probably has been a big factor in them not getting bored and resorting to breaking things.
• It’s going to be really difficult for them without television and they don’t like to play outdoors – they asked where our tv was when they saw the picture of our living room, one time when they got here and once since then. But – since arriving, they’ve filled their days productively, much of the time playing outside.
• I asked if they liked books – I got a snort and was warned they’ll rip them all to pieces and again, about the need for tv. But – I read to them before bed every night and they love it; they ask appropriate questions and sit quietly while listening. At their request, I read the book once sitting on one’s bed, then read it another time sitting on the other’s bed.
• We were warned dfs5 is terrified of dogs and he’ll freak out when he gets to our home and sees our dog. But – within an hour of arriving he was stroking our dog. By the next day he was kissing and hugging him. He is constantly looking for our dog, stroking him, telling him how much he loves him – it’s a good thing our dog is very tolerant because it’s a bit suffocating. It’s clearly very therapeutic for dfs5, though.
• They fight constantly; they were put in separate bedrooms in their first foster home because they bothered each other so much they wouldn’t go to sleep. They were seated at different tables not facing one another when they ate so they wouldn’t see each other and not allowed to talk during meals. The court liason determined that it would be better for them to be separated and put up for adoption individually than fostered by one family. But – our approach isn’t to use separation as the sole tool for children who aren’t interacting well with each other, but to teach them to interact with each other respectfully. We try to give each of them a lot of attention so that they don’t perceive the other as competition for what they want to have. While they sometimes get upset at one another (usually because one takes the item the other wants), overall they’re getting along well.
• One of them is ‘obsessed with food’. Recognizing the need to be reassured of food security, I plan three meals and three snacks for each day and I let them know what we’ll have and what time we’ll be having it. If I were staying somewhere, I’d appreciate knowing what was planned for meals, wouldn’t you? I don’t consider asking about what will be served, when, as obsessive.
• One has an ‘obsessive need for closeness and touch’. We give a lot of hugs and physical touch throughout the day before they ask for it. I believe this preempts what may have been constant requests for what wasn’t offered and was infrequently given (I know they each got a hug before bed, I don’t know about during the day). I don’t interpret it as obsessive for a five year old to want to sit on your lap or snuggle next to you when you read a bedtime story.
• One has an extremely low IQ (borderline mental retardation). I wasn’t overly concerned about that when told about it, knowing about neuroplasticity and how the brain grows with use. I was confident we would be able to bring this up substantially, but after meeting and living with the children, I am questioning the diagnosis. There’s unquestionably compromised emotional development, and a lack of thinking ability, but I believe the intellectual deficits are emotionally based.If a person doesn’t feel safe, the brain isn’t going to be online.

Each of the times the social worker called to check in, she asked me about a specific behaviour that is of particular concern to the officials. I told her I haven’t seen it even once since they’ve been here and asked how often it usually occurs. She didn’t know. They had made it sound like it was constant when they talked to me about it. I suggested since they said it’s a stress related behaviour, maybe he’s not displaying it because he has a lot of ways here to self-soothe and release stress?

I was given a description of two very difficult children that no one was willing to take on. The way they were described now seems to both my husband and me as harsh and inaccurate. We think they’re both sweet children.

To be fair to those who described them, they detailed how they acted where they were and maybe if they went to a family who parented differently than us, the descriptions would still be accurate. However, I ask myself, what was the worldview and expectation of children of the person who described them?

Avivah

Today was the twins first full day home with us, and by midday I was already speaking to the representative responsible for their school registration for next year.

He told me what the charedi options are; since there’s nothing local, they have to go other places. However, in those other cities they give priority to their citizens and often the classes fill up before there’s room for children from outlying areas. He’s going to put them on a list tomorrow and I trust we’ll find a place for them for the coming school year.

I also spoke with our social worker (yes, again!). Yesterday I broached a topic I’ve been thinking about quite a lot, which is what to do regarding kindergarten for the end of the year.

In the lectures of Dr. Karyn Purvis, founder of Trust Based Relationship Intervention (TBRI), she says that she’s never seen a child, no matter how damaging their background and how traumatized they were, that can’t experience significant healing. She recommends that when they come home, parents do an intensive home intervention (intensive relationship building) with a foster or adopted child; this is the most critical and important thing you can do to facilitate healing.

For every year a child has been in a hard place, she says they need a month of intensive home intervention.

That would put us at six months in our situation. I feel very strongly that this would be the right thing to do for them, but have been afraid to make that commitment before meeting them. The description of what we were facing was intimidating; we were warned repeatedly by the social workers we would be taking on something very big to bring them home, and that was assuming they would be in school most of the day. There’s a full staff helping each of them at school, and I’m going to do it all without any assistance? I knew I couldn’t take it on alone; I need to have some time to myself without constantly being ‘on’.

Enter my husband getting paternity leave! We’ve been discussing this, and agreed we can commit to keeping them home with us for six weeks. At that point, it should bring us close to the end of the school year.

In special ed the schools continue with summer camp programs almost through the entire summer, with just a two week vacation. I’ve never sent ds10 and ds6 in the summer, and I would want to keep the twins home as well. That adds another two months.

Two weeks into the school year, the fall holidays begin and continue for a month. If we could keep them home until after Sukkos, that means we would have five months to work with them. I am confident they would be much more available for learning and healthy relationships by then.

Though I was thinking about this for a good while, I didn’t want to suggest it to the social worker, because I was afraid social services would be happy to throw all the responsibility on my shoulders without offering support services, in light of the difficulties they were having working out the school situation.

My social worker thinks this would be the best possible thing, but today warned me she has to get approval from higher ups for that. She said that since they get therapies (weekly speech, OT and whatever else is the norm in special ed kindergartens), they might object on terms of it delaying their development by them not getting those therapies for six weeks. (The question is just about them missing school until the end of the year; I’m going to assume I don’t have to get approval for the summer vacation.) I’m waiting to hear about that.

If we get the approval to keep them home, I’m going to create a home program for them. I’ve emailed a TBRI practitioner in the US to ask about working with us to design an intensive home program and am waiting to hear back from her. I can probably put something pretty effective together myself – and that might be what ends up happening – but welcome the input from those with more experience than me.

If we don’t get the approval, we’ll begin sending them to school probably at the beginning of next week. In that case, they’ll have two months over summer vacation and almost a month of holidays to keep them home. It’s not the same as a five month stretch of uninterrupted time, but will nonetheless be valuable.

Avivah

On the way to see the children for the second time and then take them home, my husband and I finally had a chance to discuss our experience meeting them the first day.

Neither of us enjoyed it. We didn’t like being their playmates, running around after them and playing tag and hide and go seek. I also felt concerned we were setting up an expectation of how we would interact with them that wasn’t accurate. We did this because this is how the social worker prepared them for our visit and as soon as we got there told us that was what was going to happen.

We both agreed that this didn’t feel good to us nor appropriate. These children need parents, not playmates, and it was draining for us to interact with them in a way that wasn’t natural for us.

In my opinion, it was overly stimulating for them and caused an avalanche of excitatory neurotransmitters to flood their brains. I saw them getting increasingly hyped up and excited, and even though they were happy and laughing, it would have been better to have done something more calming with them.

I assume the social worker did this because she wanted to empower the children by letting them choose the activity, which is a good thing. And there was definitely a positive aspect to that, in that it broke the ice physically and opened the door for us to gradually give them hugs (they are very hungry for love and physical connection). I think this is an example of something well-intended that seems like a good idea on paper but for a parent with experience, this was clearly not the best plan.

We were glad that when we got there for the second visit, the social worker couldn’t be there, because we were able to spend time with them in the way that felt right for us. That was much more natural and enjoyable for us, and it felt more meaningful. She did show up
to facilitate their separation from their previous home after we brought the children back from an outing.

We spent our entire time with them talking about the transition, that they would be coming to live with us and leaving the family they were with, answering their nonstop questions. As a result, when we got there and she began the conversation all over again, it seemed like drawing it out a bit too much. The first foster mother told her the same thing, that they were ready to leave, that they wanted to leave and that we should be allowed to take them home already.

About the foster mother – I was very impressed with her and appreciative of all the amazing work she’s done with them. She’s a typical Israeli sabra – she seems tough as nails, but with a heart of gold. She doesn’t give the warm and fuzzy vibe, but it’s clear how much she cared for the children, and the ‘boot camp’ approach she took was very valuable for them to learn basic daily skills.

When we got home, they met our thirteen and fifteen year olds. About an hour later, our six and ten year olds came home, and they met. No, I don’t think our boys understand this is forever at all. I told them these children will be coming to stay with us for a while, and as soon as ds10 saw them, he asked me where their parents were. Because usually children come to visit with their parents, right?

About an hour after that, our social worker came to introduce herself to them, as she will be their social worker now. (Their previous social worker works in the area where they were living, so she unfortunately can’t continue. There is so much transition of important attachments for them.) I would have preferred for this to take place on another day, to minimize all the interactions as not to overwhelm them, but the first day of the placement is considered the best time.

I was told they don’t like to play outside, and the foster mother told me she doesn’t know how they’re going to manage without a television. In fact, as soon as the children saw the picture of our living room on our first visit, they asked where the television was. They asked about it a couple more times, but we have an engaging outdoor space and they were busy all day.

(I’m going to begin to refer to them as we refer to all of our children here on the blog: as our five year old son and daughter. In August they’ll be six, so at that point I’ll have to figure out then how to distinguish for you between them and our six year old, since they’ll all be six for five months. )

Our five year daughter very much wanted to help me with everything I did, so when I went inside to prepare food for lunch and later dinner, she went with me and was my assistant. She is very sweet and so far easy for me to connect with.

As expected, they are both younger than their biological age, much more so for our five year old son. That’s something we need to remain conscious of, in terms of expectations and how to interact with them. Right now I’m assessing him at the toddler stage emotionally, though he’s physically and verbally much more advanced than a toddler.

We had a very nice day together, mostly me with them since as soon as we got home, my husband needed to get to work, to tie things up and prepare for taking off for a while, and figure out the National Insurance for paternity leave. (Isn’t it amazing to live in a country where this is valued?)

It was busy but pleasant, and it was gratifying to see them enjoying being outside. When the social worker came and saw everyone outside at once, she told me that it looks like a kindergarten with our three younger children all being around the same size and age. She also commented how valuable for the children it is that we have the kind of outdoor space that we have, with the animals and a lot of opportunities for physical play.

From the time we took them for an outing in the morning and then throughout the day, the children kept asking about their beds in our house, where and when they could go to sleep. As the day went on, they kept saying how tired they were. They are on a very regular schedule and go to sleep at 7; the foster mother told me they fall asleep instantly and this isn’t something they have difficulty with.

I moved dinner up by an hour since they both were so tired. Also, dd5 kept telling me how hungry she was, despite having had lunch and a snack not long before, and I really wanted her to have something filling (ie not a snack) to eat. (Food insecurity and emotional hunger is a common issue for foster children, based on not having enough food in early years.)

When I put them to bed, I started with one and then the other, but there wasn’t enough time for the first to fall asleep before the second one came in. Meanwhile, my husband was keeping our six and ten year olds quiet in order not to disturb the twins’ bedtime. He then took them to shul and stayed out for the Lag B’omer bonfire, which meant he was gone for hours.

This was very nice for our six and ten year olds, but not so much for me. I really needed another pair of hands. It quickly became apparent that the twins needed to be separated to fall asleep, but they both needed my physical presence to feel secure. Obviously I couldn’t be two places at once.

They were suddenly very awake as soon as they got in bed. Maybe hyper alert would be more accurate. They are sensitive to sounds and fearful of noises. The house was very still and quiet but they kept complaining to me about the crickets chirping outside. I stayed with both of them for over two hours in the room. After that, I thought it might be more helpful for them if I stayed close to their room so they would know I was close by, but not stimulate them with my presence. By the time three and a half hours had gone by, I really needed to lay down since I had slept only 4.5 hours the night before and my back was beginning to hurt.

In and out of bed for every excuse, again and again and again. Even when they couldn’t see me, I kept responding to them and reassuring them that I was there. They called out every two minutes or less. I had planned to make a call to find out about a particular school once they fell asleep but that clearly couldn’t happen. It was a bit over four hours later that they finally fell asleep. When my husband got home, I was too exhausted to talk and fell asleep immediately.

At 3:30 am, I heard the door to my bedroom open. I’m used to our dog opening it in the middle of the night, but this was opened in a different way. I knew it must be one of the twins, so I got up to see what was happening. Ds5 was awake so I guided him back to bed and covered him up. I put my hand on his back so he would feel reassured by my presence, and felt him shaking in fear. It’s really scary to be in a new house with all these new people.

I sat next to him with my hand on his back until he fell asleep. As soon as I stood up, his eyes flew open, so I stroked his cheek, whispered to him that everything was okay and stood there (if I would have sat back down the movement to get up would have woken him up again) until he fell back asleep.

Here I am at 4:30 in the morning. I appreciate the opportunity for some quiet time, though I could definitely use some more sleep. My husband and I will need to work out how to support one another as a tag team so we can give one another the opportunity to take a break. As we see what our schedules look like and what is needed, how to do that will become more clear.

Avivah

Yesterday evening I went to pick up my husband and ten year old son, who were returning from a week long trip to the US.

A few minutes before getting there, the social worker called; I couldn’t answer since I was driving. I pulled up to the train station and waved hello to them, and as they put their suitcases in, she called again. I didn’t answer since I wanted to be present for our family members after not seeing them for a week.

She called a few minutes later – it was 7:30 pm and calling after work hours isn’t typical for her. Neither is calling three times in a row within ten minutes. By then, I was driving again, so my husband answered.

(As we’re going through all of this, I’m reminded of the situation with ds6 when we were waiting for his placement with us. I didn’t write about that in detail as the timeline unfolded, but it was constant up and down. I don’t think it’s like this every time there’s a placement to be made, though. Ds6 had a complicated legal status that still hasn’t been resolved and continues to create difficulties to this day, and that was the reason then for all the changes. )

Now, my husband didn’t yet know anything about what you know from reading my last post, since he was already traveling when I got that call saying the foster placement at our home was denied by the court, in favor of pursuing an adoptive home.

As a result, he was less surprised than I was by the brief conversation he had with the social worker. After he got off the phone, I had to quickly catch him up on what had been happening so he understood why I was taken aback.

Less than twenty four hours after the call relaying the court’s negative decision regarding placement with us, we got a completely different message. They now want the children placed with us very quickly, and time no longer allows for the transition plan that had been worked out, discussed and agreed upon. The intention was to allow us and the children to get to know one another over the course of five visits, and then the placement would take place. I thought that it seemed a healthy way to help them transition.

As soon as we got home, I called the social worker back to get a clearer idea of what was going on. Why the sudden change? I’m not being told details and it doesn’t really matter.

This morning she told me they could come as soon as tomorrow or Sunday, depending on whatever they’re deciding about later today. ‘Or maybe much longer?’ I asked her. ‘No, it won’t be much longer than that,’ she said. We’ll continue to wait and see – you can see just from what I’ve been sharing in the last few days (and there was a lot more in the last ten weeks) that there’s no promise of anything happening until it happens.

Even though the transition plan officially has been cancelled, I requested to visit them once before they move here. I’d like to minimize the trauma of them moving to a completely new place where they know no one, so they have at least a cursory acquaintance and some mental preparation. The social worker said that if they’re coming tomorrow there’s no time for that. I told her that even if they come tomorrow, I think it’s very, very important for them to meet me first. I’ll go anytime today or tonight to their city (about an hour’s drive away), whenever they say that I can. I’m waiting to hear if that will be allowed.

(I don’t think there’s technically any reason there would be a problem with me doing this, and they’d probably agree it’s a good idea. But there’s now so much urgency in this situation that I don’t think they have the time to take care of a little detail like this when there’s a lot going on behind the scenes legally.)

********************

My husband came home from his trip with a bunch of clothes I ordered for the twins, and today another local order arrived with more clothes I bought them. I knew I was taking a chance to buy clothes for children who weren’t yet placed here, but I don’t like to leave things until the last minute. Especially at a time when all of our emotional and physical energy would be needed to facilitate their entry into our family, I didn’t want to be worrying about clothing shopping. After the call regarding the negative placement decision it looked like there would be a lot of unused clothing around.

With this sudden change in plans, it’s nice to know that I have wardrobes ready for them (as well as other things I prepared, I’ll try to share about that if time allows) without having to rush out and go shopping. I appreciate not feeling stressed or pressured about the possibility of them coming tomorrow.

******************

We have three bedrooms on the main floor of our home, and three on the second floor. We’re going to move our teens to a room upstairs, then ds10 and ds6 will move into the room they vacate. That will free up a room for the twins on the main floor – I won’t put young children upstairs, far from us.

I haven’t yet spoken to the younger boys about the possibility of these children coming (I wouldn’t tell them something that I didn’t know was going to happen), but several weeks ago I did place the seed about moving to the big boys room, telling them it’s because they’re getting big. They were excited about that.

I’d like to have as much time for our younger boys to get used to being in a new room before someone else comes along and sleeps in their old room – I don’t want them to feel dispossessed – if I knew this was definitely happening, I would have switched them sooner. We’ll be moving everything around today, and last night I told ds10 he’ll be sleeping in his new room tonight, so I’m not springing that as a last minute surprise.

******************

As I was about to finish writing this, I got another call from the social worker. The case has gone back to court and is under discussion this very minute. She said the likelihood they will be brought directly to our home today from kindergarten is high; at the very latest they’ll be here on Sunday. She apologized that she won’t be here for the drop off since she has other plans for the next two days that can’t be changed. That means the social worker who comes will be someone who hardly knows us or our family.

It’s 1:40 pm as I write; they finish school at 3 pm (or is it 4pm?, the social worker isn’t sure), and it’s an hour drive from there. That’s not a lot of notice.

I just told my husband and he started laughing. My thirteen year old exclaimed on the suddenness, remarking how yesterday we didn’t even think they were coming at all!

I’m looking around my living room at the luggage from my husband’s trip waiting to be put away, thinking of the bedroom that has only begun to be switched around in preparation for their arrival, picturing social workers suddenly descending on us in three hours with two children who had no warning this would happen, my jetlagged husband and son…

It’s good we’re a flexible family.

Time to take a deep breath to restore my nice relaxed feeling of a few minutes ago. And I’m going to put some the luggage away right now; I find taking action is a good counter to being busy in my thoughts.

We’ll see when they actually get here. Now the idea of them coming on Sunday seems like loads of time to prepare!

Avivah

The long awaited court date to approve placement for the twins with our family has finally taken place.

And we weren’t approved.

To say that everyone was surprised would be putting it mildly. It seemed like this was a open and shut situation, that the court case would be rubber stamping what everyone had agreed would be in the best interests of the children. The supervisory social worker, who has been involved in many cases, was shocked at this turn of events.

There is someone involved pulling strings behind the scenes who doesn’t have a social work background, and has a different focus on what the needs of children are than all of those trained in this work. She has now determined that she wants the parental rights terminated, and the children placed for adoption instead of fostering.

When I first asked about the length of the expected foster stay, I did hear mention that this legal representative did not want the children going back to their parents, but it was said in passing, not as a definitive determining statement. To me it seems very quick to terminate their rights and put their children up for adoption, but obviously I’m not familiar with the inside details as she is so perhaps this is the right decision.

We aren’t looking to adopt, though if this placement was working well for everyone, we would be glad for them to stay with us until they age out, and I’ve expressed that. However, I can’t and won’t commit to adoption.

Why the push for adoption?

Logistics. I was told that if the children are adopted out, then social services can say they’ve done their part to ensure a good family for the children, and there’s no longer any responsibility on their part for the children or the rehabilitation of the parents.

While it’s obviously in the best interests of children to be adopted by a loving family, the there are even fewer adoptive parents available than foster parents. (Remember, I told you that a country-wide search was done for other foster parents and we are the only family available.)

The social workers are frustrated that the children have an opportunity for a long term home with an excellent (foster) family. There is no one else waiting in the wings to step up; there are no other options. They need to be removed from an emergency foster care placement that they’ve overstayed by months. And now someone comes along with a different plan at the last minute, after ten weeks of them putting all the pieces together for them to come to us.

You can see how frustrating it must be to be a social worker in this situation. (Every social worker involved from all the different angles supported their placement with us.)

It’s unsettling for us to be in limbo for so long, too. There are decisions we’re waiting to make based on if they’ll be coming, and it’s becoming somewhat stressful to deal with all of this back and forth for so long.

We decided if the twins come to us, we’ll close down our vacation rental to make space physically and emotionally for them. Meanwhile, I have people calling to make reservations for the summer (I didn’t do any advertising since we’re in limbo, but people are calling based on referrals from friends who stayed here). Until now I’ve been telling them we won’t be open, but last night right after the social worker called, I got another request and I don’t know what to tell them. We’ll forfeit a significant sum of money if we close to accommodate the children, and then they don’t come, or they come in a few months.

Also, the engine on my car just went a few days ago and we need to replace it. If we have two more young children who will regularly need to be transported on family outings, we’ll need a larger vehicle than what I would get otherwise. I don’t want to buy a larger (more expensive) vehicle if I don’t need it. I’d like to get the car situation resolved but it’s one more thing dependent on the placement decision.

That’s in addition to the general emotional roller coaster for my husband and myself, as well as our older children, waiting and wondering if it will happen and when it will happen. One day it looks unlikely and the next day it’s all systems go. I’m getting lots of practice in letting go and letting things happen as they will. Last night I did have a strong impulse to call them and tell them if they don’t make a decision within a week or two, I’m going to pull out, that I can’t stay indefinitely available – I’m still pondering if that’s the right thing to do or not.

They will be going back to court to appeal the decision. I don’t know when that will happen, and I really can’t predict what the outcome will be. This move from the legal representative was unexpected, so we’re no longer in a situation that we can assume that what usually happens is what will happen.

When the social worker called me last night to update me, a phrase went through my mind: “Man’s rejection is G-d’s protection.” I don’t assume this court decision is a bad thing; throughout this period I have been very conscious of not hoping for a particular outcome. Regardless of the odds one way or another, these children will end up where they’re meant to be, and that’s not necessarily going to be with us.

Avivah