Long ago I read a thought provoking article by Lt. Dave Grossman, In the article he defines three groups in society: sheep, sheepdogs, and wolves.

The sheep are the kind, good people who don’t want to think anything bad will happen, and take no actions to protect themselves from that possibility. (This term is not used as a pejorative.) The wolves are obviously the bad guys who prey on others. The focus of the article is on the sheepdogs – the good guys who have the capacity to confront and resist evil.

In the context this was written, I fall well into the sheep category – depending on the good guys to physically defend me in a bad situation. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this analogy lately, since it goes further than readiness to respond to physical threats.

When a physical crime is enacted, it’s clear that evil is taking place. But there are other dangers that aren’t visible even when they are happening in front of our eyes.

Sheepdogs have the ability to recognize the danger long before others, and their task is to protect the flock. They write articles, speak out, hold rallies, and warn others about the dangers with the intention to help others protect themselves.

We need the sheepdogs, the people who will stand in the uncomfortable space of recognizing threats (dangers that the ‘sheep’ prefer to think don’t exist) and taking steps to neutralize those dangers to the rest of the population.

Since last winter, our sheepdogs have increasingly have been censored, silenced and deplatformed. And who are left? The wolves and those who think everything the wolves do is for their benefit. ***

Many months ago the media adroitly took steps to promote a narrative that would divide and polarize the population, defining anyone who questions their narrative as selfish, paranoid, conspiracy theorists. Since the vast majority of us are good, kind people who care about our fellows and want to get along with them, we went along with that. We distanced ourselves from being defined as part of that undesirable population.

Rather than question the narrative ourselves, we turned on the those who are trying to alert us – for our own protection – that excessive government control was dangerous to our freedoms. It’s so much easier to live in denial than to confront evil, and it’s easier to turn on the sheepdogs than on the wolves. The great irony is that by turning against those who are protecting us, we leave ourselves wide open to harm by the wolves.

Truth and the defense of truth is very important to me. In this context, that makes me a sheepdog. For a sheepdog to act like a sheep is deeply distressing, and I’ve been living with an acute sense of conflict for months as I continually hold back. I want you to be aware of what is happening, so you consciously make choices that will best serve you, and so you can prepare for the challenges that are coming. Not because it gives me the jollies to alarm anyone, but to keep your family safe.

You may be asking yourself, is she talking about the jabberwocky? Yes, in part, but it’s much bigger than that.

My lifeblood is to educate and empower others, so you can live your best lives. I predicted the current censorship, which has been extraordinarily successful – and most of the population has no idea how extensive the censorship is, because you can’t hear those who are silenced – and I believe we’re going to see increasing censorship: of holistic health, nutrition, education, economics, etc. All the things I write about that are still acceptable to talk about now, which preemptively I am reluctant to continue to write about. Dissension and even independent thought are not going to be tolerated.

In my final expressive arts class, we were asked to decorate a slice of a circle that defined each of us, and then the slices were connected to make a whole.

When we were asked to share about my painting, I didn’t want to speak, since it was so emotional and conflicting for me. My core essence is to outflow in all directions, to share with and impact others, and it’s painful to me that sharing with others about anything that isn’t superficial feels unsafe.

None of us can or should repress our core selves. It’s not fair to me, but it’s also not fair to you. I don’t know how to navigate this new world that is going insane. I may change some of my wording or in some cases, you may have to read between the lines of what I write and extrapolate. Or I may choose not write. Sometimes it takes so much emotional energy to think about writing that I’m left too tired to actually write. But I’m going to try.

Avivah

***Edited to clarify: I am not referring to the average person or lay advocate who takes a different position than myself as ‘wolves’. I absolutely abhor the demonization of people on either side of the aisle. My reference is to much broader forces.

I’m not an art person – it’s just not something that I ever explored beyond coloring. No, I’m really not exaggerating when I say that. Crayons, markers and coloring pages are literally the point when my artistic efforts ended.

When I saw a notice about an expressive arts class forming earlier in the year, I thought it sounded interesting. I liked the idea of learning something new. I had no idea that it would become the powerful experience that it’s been.

We’re a small group of six women, with two arts therapists facilitating the group. The two hour session begins with a short relaxation exercise, and then we’re encouraged to seek out the materials that reflect how we’re feeling at that moment. After an hour of creating, each woman writes in her journal, answering the questions provided that are meant to stimulate awareness of the internal process. After that, each woman shares about her work and her answers to the questions with the group.

Since every other woman there has an art background, this was initially an intimidating experience for me. I felt so inadequate – like a preschooler in a college classroom. I had no experience with any of the artistic mediums, and didn’t know how to use the various materials.

When I was seventeen, I learned about perfectionism, realized it was a trait that I had, and recognized that it wasn’t something I wanted to hold onto. For the last thirty years, I’ve consciously been releasing that tendency to want things to be the way that I want them, to let things be enough as they are, and not to compete or compare with others.

This has been a huge part of my personal development and a significant, defining feature of my parenting and what I teach others about parenting. And this tendency was hugely challenged by my participation in this group.

It wasn’t easy for me to sit with myself and quiet the peanut gallery in my own head as I worked – I had such intense feelings of frustration and inadequacy in the beginning. To create and and then have to display my work to others who are much, much more advanced, when I hardly knew how to use the paints or brushes… it was very hard for me to be so bad at something they were all so good at.

But each week something shifted as I painted or drew, as I focused on how I was feeling and my only goal was to capture that. It stopped mattering to me if anyone else thought it looked good or not, and it stopped mattering to me if it looked good or not. Instead, I found that I was enjoying the process of putting my feelings onto the paper in art form as it helped me get in touch with subtle emotions.

For example, when my son was dating, almost all of the suggestions were of young women from very mainstream homes, which in many ways was perfect for him. A quality that our family has, and that I’ve seen in every one of my children’s spouses, is an interest in others, an openmindedness and ability to think for oneself. In the case of the suggestions being made, I had hesitations about agreeing to most of them because I didn’t see this quality. I wasn’t sure if I was imposing my preferences or if it was something important for him, albeit something he wasn’t consciously looking for. In this painting, I explored my feelings about that – every color, every stroke, every shape has meaning and is representative of something significant.

Several times in the early weeks of the group I shared my feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness with the group leader, and she told me that I had an advantage over the other women, precisely because I had no art background. I couldn’t understand what she meant, and thought she was trying to make me feel good.

Several months in, I head another woman expressing frustration that the limited time allotted didn’t allow her to create something satisfactory. I shared with her my experience of creating just for the pleasure of it, for the expression of it – and her response showed me the challenge for someone who knows so much being able to let go and enjoy the expressive process.

She couldn’t release her expectation of herself and what her art should look like. And I realized that not only could I do that in the art class, but it extended into a different area when faced with something similarly new and intimidating – I just did it, didn’t worry what anyone else was thinking, and enjoyed it.

It’s been really interesting to ask myself, how do I feel today and what medium do I want to use to express that? What colors, what textures, what movement reflects that?

It’s been surprising for me as someone with a high level of self-awareness, that using art as a medium deepened my connection with my own emotions. I can really see how powerful it can be to use art as a therapeutic tool, having experienced some benefits even in a non-therapeutic setting.

Avivah

My regular readers have probably noticed that my posting has dropped off dramatically in the last year and particularly the last few months. For the year that ds8 was home, time and energy became a real challenge. Two months ago he began attending school – it’s been great for him and all the rest of us, too! but the increased time flexibility hasn’t translated into writing more here since I’ve had extended computer challenges.

My husband bought me a new computer when he visited the US over a year ago, and from the start, I wasn’t happy with it. There was a significant lag in response time, and then the power cord input receptor got looser and looser, until when the cord was plugged in it didn’t connect anymore.

Well. There I was with a computer that wasn’t working but that wasn’t worth fixing (so I was told). I thought to make do and use one of the other two computers that my kids use – but there’s a reason they use them. They are older computers that are fine for their needs (mainly looking up information and listening to audiobooks) but for my needs, they’re really not helpful.

To use the better one that had a nonfunctional keyboard meant hooking up my husband’s work keyboard and mouse during the hours my husband wasn’t working and the kids weren’t around – late at night and very early in the morning. Late at night I’m usually too tired to think, and though I’m up early, Rafael wakes up early and climbs into my bed before falling back asleep for a couple more hours, so typing away at the computer in the same room would wake him up.

I was getting increasingly frustrated at how difficult it was to get online with a laptop. When I could finally clear the time, I couldn’t find the kids’ computer, or I found the computer but it had no power and I couldn’t find the power cord. Or I could find the power cord but not the converter for the American plug that would allow me to plug it into the 220 Israeli system. When someone offered to bring something back for me from the US, I jumped at the opportunity to order a computer.

My husband researched a bunch of computers and finally told me he didn’t see one in the price range I set that had the features I wanted. But, after speaking to a computer guy he offered to get our two older computers overhauled, and order the necessary replacement part for my computer. I was hesitant about having my computer repaired because it was unsatisfactory from the beginning, but it didn’t make sense to buy something new when we had something that could be made usable for a much lower sum.

My exasperation was rising every time I tried to get online, and I would periodically express how limiting and disturbing it was for me to feel so constrained. But I had determined that my computer needs didn’t justify the expense of something new so this was only an expression of feeling continually stymied, not a suggestion to pursue a different solution.

My husband assured me the part was on its way, and while waiting for its arrival I tried using the overhauled computers. That had its own frustrations.

We waited and waited and waited for the part, and were relieved when it finally arrived. Until it became clear that it was the wrong part.

My husband told me he would order a different part. This is when I reached my limit for tolerating the situation and trying to work with what was. I had complete clarity that this situation wasn’t tolerable for me any more and I needed to have a well-functioning computer. Right away.

This is when the shift happened – it was only when it was I had clarity that I was unwilling to continue to try to make it work that that we could find the best solution.

As soon as I said that, my husband told me he could buy me an excellent computer locally and have it that day. It was double the sum I had mentally set previously, but after months of frustration, that amount now seemed perfectly reasonable! He dropped me off at a two day women’s retreat right after this conversation, and from there drove straight to the computer store.

When I got home the next night, I was greeted with my new computer, fully set up and ready to be used.

I can’t even express how nice it is to finally be able to do things that were so hard and daunting for such a long time (for those whose comments here weren’t responded to, now you know why).

The seemingly obvious solution to my challenging situation – buying a new computer locally – was available to me from the very first day that I had a computer issue. But since I wasn’t willing to consider buying a new computer at Israeli prices, all the frustrating situations continued to unfold.

So often something feels hard – and it is – but part of what makes it so hard is that we mentally limit what the solutions can be or where they can come from. And if we aren’t open to a solution, we’re not going to get that solution, even if that’s the easiest and best outcome!

What struck me in my situation was the benefit of contrast. Contrast is what we experience when there’s a discrepancy between what we want and what we have. Usually we perceive this as being bad.

The gift of contrast is it helps you clarify what you don’t want, and what you do want. I had tons of contrast for over a year with my computer issues that created ongoing frustration and feelings of limitation, and it was the increasing contrast that made it obvious that my previous attempts at solutions were completely inadequate for my needs.

This is something that we all do in every area of our lives – you can substitute ‘relationship/job/experience’ for ‘computer’ and you’ll see the same thing I described. Trying to make something work that doesn’t work, trying to convince yourself you don’t need more than what you have, that what you have is really enough, that you shouldn’t want more, that you don’t deserve more….it goes deep!

I’ve found it really helpful when I recognize and embrace contrast, to see it as a tool that can help me live my best life by clarifying what I want more or less of, and then taking action accordingly.

Avivah

Edited to add: As some readers noticed, three days after posting this, my site was disabled due to exactly the kind of censorship that I referenced as a concern. For the first time in almost fifteen years, my ‘content’ was deemed problematic on my own paid site and access to it was blocked, even to me. For several days it wasn’t clear if it would be possible to get my website back. You can imagine that it was a relief when I was able to get it restored!

How I’ve missed sharing with you these last weeks! As a departure from my usual range of topics over almost fifteen years of blogging, I’m sharing some personal reflections on current events.

*******************************

I watch current events unfold and histories of the past are my guide to what is happening and what we can expect to happen. Privately I predicted almost everything that has happened in the last year (though I anticipated it would be ebola that would suddenly be the big scare and create a push for worldwide adult vaccination, which was the published goal for 2020 of the World Health Organization).

I’m not a psychic, just someone who watches the pattern of the news and carefully reads between the lines of the mainstream news. You can see what the next step will be if you read carefully. Most articles sound more like they are written by a public relations firm pushing an agenda than objective and balanced reporting, but this is the news I read and this is where you can best see what is really unfolding, because these articles are intended to prime you for what to expect. They haven’t failed me yet.

I watch democracy in Israel eroding, as the media continually churns fear and uncertainty, with the only possible solution given being an injection that on the FDA website is described as unapproved (see the bottom of page one in the fact sheet). It was surely just a mistake, or a translation error, that caused every medical organization and news outlet in Israel to claim that it was FDA approved. And surely just an oversight that the widely translated fact sheet that is supposed to accompany the injections wasn’t translated into Hebrew. Oops.

But what difference does that make, because obviously no one has had any negative side effects and the dangers of covid are so much higher than anything else. Frightening, indeed, how the yearly death rate has remained stable before and during covid. A raging pandemic that we should thank our lucky stars to have survived. What? A survival rate of almost 100 percent for the average person? Nonsense! Where do you get your statistics?!? You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’re a murderer.

The Green Passport has been rolled out, and when introduced we were told it would be an advantage for those who take it, but not a punishment for those who don’t. After all, that would be a violation of human rights and we wouldn’t do that. Well, the next steps to ‘open the economy’ were introduced Sunday, and allow only those with proof of the injection or proof of antibodies to participate in normative life. I hope those with natural antibodies will be allowed their status for a long time to come. Sometimes I wonder where the line is between staying positive and being delusional.

Fortunately, no one is being forced to participate in Israel’s noble country-wide experimentation that is selflessly being undertaken for the sake of humanity worldwide. There is absolutely no motive at all other than the good of the people. After all, that’s what governments always worry about – the good of the people. And because they are so worried about your well-being, they have released your personal injection status to the local government authorities, so you can be inspired to comply by your local officials. I think that warrants the elimination of medical confidentiality.

And if you feel like you’d like to wait and see what the long term results will be, since there are no long term studies of safety, or if you have the ridiculous and naive idea that you can boost your personal immunity by taking zinc/vitamin d/vitamin c/hydroxicloriquine/quercetin/ivermectin, know that there is no proof that any of those things ever helped anyone. The doctors who had impressive results with their hundreds of patients are frauds – they are manipulating you so that they can sell you vitamins! All they care about is money. Unlike the makers of the injections, for whom the financial gains are completely irrelevant.

We are so blessed to have no government coercion whatsoever. Oh, you may find it hard to live when you can’t attend school/ training programs, work/stores/social events/public places or even your own child’s wedding in a hall. But that’s really your choice. You can still buy food and medicine, and honestly, what else matters? Lockdowns that have limited the movement and lifestyle of millions of people for extended periods have shown there is no danger of any sort of imposing that continued lifestyle on anyone who won’t comply with government directives. While all legal/medical/ethical issues are ignored and steamrolled, the government simply continues passing more guidelines – all to keep us safe.

Ah, to breathe freely and happily (well, we don’t really need to breathe that much, fortunately, since we’ve all enthusiastically donned our masks), knowing that the caring politicians only have our best interests at heart! What comfort it brings me, so much so that it’s irrelevant that we are looking more like an totalitarian country than a democracy. We even now have ‘freedom’ ankle bracelets previously used for prisoners on parole that are now tracking the movements of those entering the country. Yes, a progressive and encouraging replacement of the military guard placed around the corona hotels! Freedom, indeed.

But we all know that only whacked-out conspiracy theorists have any doubts or hesitation about any aspects of the decisions that are being made. No, it doesn’t bother us that the government discussions regarding the laws rapidly being passed that have stripped us of our rights and dramatically increased the surveillance of every individual that was previously only used with the most dangerous terrorists, have been done in absolute secrecy, with the transcripts sealed from the Israeli public for thirty years. Surely that must increase your trust in your elected officials. It certainly relieves any concerns I might have had. And surely in thirty years when we see what was said and done and why, none of us will question even in the slightest the integrity and altruistic intentions of those noble politicians. Funny that they don’t trust us with that information right now. I guess they’re worried we might misunderstand what we read.

No, don’t worry about the noose growing tighter around the neck of the Israeli population who has been reluctant to participate in the country-wide medical experiment. I certainly don’t worry about it. And I feel no sadness for those who will never again be allowed to travel out of the country to see their loved ones without complying with the new directives. They deserve it, for being so selfish and spreading disease without compunction. Oh, you say people who aren’t sick can’t spread disease? We’ll take away your social media platforms, break your zoom links to your conferences, disable your videos and recordings for endangering people with your fake news.

It’s been said that the most frightening words in the world are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” For me, this issue isn’t about whether someone gets an injection or not. My concern is whether it’s healthy for the government to be so heavily involved and controlling of the details of the lives of citizens.

*****************************

BH, all is well in my world. Truly. After so many months of silencing myself, I’m sharing some of my conflicted feelings regarding living in challenging times. I realize that the majority of the population believes the heavy governmental involvement to be appropriate in the circumstances as they’ve been presented to us.

I send each and every one of you blessings for health, stability, and security in every area of your lives. My constant effort is to remember that that G-d is running the show and my task is to stay connected and spiritually aligned.

Avivah