>>How do you keep going when it is so very painful to exist in this world? I rarely share my problems. I always feel like other people probably have it worse. What keeps you going? If you have any wisdom for me, I’m all ears.<<

This weekend I received this question, and though I’ve composed a private message with more specifics to the writer, I realize this is a question a lot of people may have now, so I’m sharing the general part of my response here.

In the past I’ve shared the beliefs that have helped me get through hard times, and today I’ll expand on that with a practical tool that has been transformative for me.

Gratitude – The darker and more difficult times are, the more critical it is to look for the things to feel grateful for. I keep a notebook of things that I appreciate. This isn’t an academic exercise to get it down on paper and go on with my day! I use it as an anchor to focus and reflect on.

As I think about the positive things, I try to really feel how good each of those things are. I consciously fill my mind with all that is good and going right. When I start to go off track into negative thoughts, I pull my thoughts back to the good. The more I can do this, the happier and more content I feel.

This is really important because if you don’t consciously fill your mind with positive thoughts, fear and anxiety and negativity will flood you. That’s the natural default we are all societally set at. (You can see this very much right now in the news, on social media and just about every single place you visit online or in person.)

Activating your gratitude practice is definitely a mental exercise! The more you do it, the easier it gets and the more you do it, the better life feels. The better you feel about life, the more things in your life will shift for the good. The challenge is to feel good even before the external circumstances look good, because this is what brings more good into your life.

This might seem too simple, too pat – but gratitude is a powerful practice that will shift your perspective even while things are tough, and improve your life as time goes on. I can’t stress enough how powerful this can be.

Avivah

When I first thought of having to sell our home, I dreaded the idea. It felt like so much pressure to have strangers in my personal space; I pictured the tension of scurrying around to get it spic and span for the people who would be walking through and noticing every corner. I felt stressed just thinking about it.

I recognized I was creating a negative picture and I was going to have to reframe this experience for myself if I wanted it to be any better than what I was imagining! I reminded myself that no one was judging me if the house didn’t sparkle, and if they did, it still had nothing to do with me. My job was to let my home be seen and to stay calm and relaxed during the time our home was on the market.

One day I thought about the connection and happiness that has been part of our life in this home, all the love and good energy that the walls have absorbed. I pictured a family moving in and enjoying the space as much as we have. Instead of worrying about when our home would sell, what amount we would get for it, what kind of terms, etc, I kept this image of a loving family enjoying our home at the forefront of my mind.

Our home was on the market for four months before we accepted an offer (a very low offer was made early on that we didn’t consider). Logistically, you could say that we didn’t have good timing, since we started the month before the fall holidays (when no one is buying), then there were three weeks of holidays (when no one is buying) and only after the holidays, the season officially opens.

Since our home was available when the market opened, we had lots of people interested in viewing it. However, though we got a lot of positive feedback, generally people want to view a lot of homes before feeling ready to make an offer and that was what we kept hearing – that people liked it but wanted to look at more homes.

I never allowed myself to think that our timing was bad. Instead, I focused on the thought that everything was working out perfectly for us and would continue to work out for us, and pictured it all coming together with perfect timing.

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This entire selling experience has been surprisingly positive (particularly for someone who dreaded it to the degree that I did). For the most part I didn’t feel pressured about people coming except for one time when I was told people were already waiting in front of our building. I was sick, and felt overwhelmed trying to do anything in those few minutes. However, this helped me clarify my boundaries and from then on I requested that we be given notice the day before. If I was asked on very short notice, I would only agree if I felt I could do it without stress for me and my family members.

So I was feeling good about well we were doing with this process.

Then one day, people were supposed to come to see the house, something that happened 2 – 3 times a week. One son cleaned up his part of the room before going out. He came home to find his brother hadn’t cleaned up his part of the room. He got upset at his brother and saying how messy it would be when people came, and then started crying from the pressure he was feeling. He told me he can’t take having people coming in to look at our house anymore.

I thought if a child would feel like this it would be as a reflection of my own tension. But I was actually pretty consistently calm and positive during these months; I tried not to put pressure on anyone to clean up to a high standard or in a rush or anything like that.

I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure, there was plenty of time for his brother to put his things away, and sent him outside to ride his bike until after the potential buyers left. But seeing his deep distress, I thought, “Hashem (G-d), it’s been fine until now but now it’s too much. It’s too much for my son. We need to sell now. “

That week some people came to look at our home. They came back a second time, then a third time. When they officially made an offer on the house, I told this same son about it before anyone else. He was so excited! He went out to a friend and walked in two hours later, still smiling broadly. I asked him why he was so happy, and he said, “Because now we don’t have to have people coming through our house anymore!”

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When we first considered the idea of moving to a different part of the country, it was kind of overwhelming. We would have to buy a new home in an unfamiliar neighborhood, sell our current home, my husband would have to find a new job, our kids would need to find different educational options…it was a lot to think about.

As we discussed more and more what we wanted, it seemed even more unrealistic. Specifically regarding the house, the two biggest points were wanting to stay until the end of the school year, and not wanting to pay a mortgage/rent on two homes. I could picture the sellers agreeing to us staying longer, but couldn’t think of a scenario in which we wouldn’t have to pay two house payments, since we’ll be completing the sale of our home in Yavne’el in March and staying here until the end of June.

I love when life reminds me that I don’t have to find the way to make what I want happen; I just have to know what I want and then turn it over for G-d to work it all out!

We signed a contract to sell our current home a week ago and the payment terms will make it possible for us to pay off our current mortgage around the same time that we will begin paying a mortgage on our new house. My husband and I marveled at how easily and perfectly things fell into place.

It’s now official: we will be staying in Ramat Beit Shemesh until the school year ends and moving to Yavne’el the beginning of July!

Avivah

On Facebook I see many people showcasing their talents, work and testimonials in casual, chatty posts about loving the work they do and sharing the value they add.

Sometimes I look at that and think, “I should be doing that.”

However, even though it might bring me more clients, even though it would expand my impact and visibility, I just don’t want to do it. Not right now.

Even though it’s really nice to be out there, to be speaking and teaching and earning and contributing and recognized. Really nice.

A year and a half ago I made a decision to consciously step back professionally. My days were full – with the kids all day, then right from the dinner table I would leave to meet clients or go out to teach. I loved the work I was doing, I loved the connections I was making and the differences I was able to help people create in their lives.

I recognized, though, that with all that was happening in my life, I needed to increase my quiet space for myself. When I talk about how critical self-care is, I really mean it; it’s not a theoretical concept for me. What previously had been sufficient margin no longer was enough.

I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to take this extended step back from doing things that I loved and valued, and to be okay with not doing anything special in lieu of that work. Creating more margin for myself to be was something I knew was valuable but I still grappled with not having a commeasurate sense of accomplishment.

However, I stuck with this despite the ongoing discomfort I felt because I knew it was an opportunity for me to practice a higher level of self-acceptance, independent of my contributions to others. Without qualification, without needing to prove.

This has been so valuable. Yet there are still periodically those ‘I should do the things that other people are doing’ thoughts that pop into my mind.

To counter that, I recognized it would be helpful for me to clarify my goal for the year as a reminder not just what I didn’t want to be doing, but what I did want to do!

I picked up a book at a library sale last week called Simple Abundance. At the end of the foreword the author states: “I don’t have a million dollars in the bank, but I now realize that abundance and lack are parallel realities; every day I make the choice of which one to inhabit. Now I understand that all my hours aren’t billable; finding a quiet center in which to create and sustain an authentic life has become as essential as breathing.”

I so identified with this that I went back and re-read it several times. This sums up in a small way my inner process of the last few years!

And so, I’ve adapted and written on my vision page the following as my goal for the coming year:

“To maintain a quiet center, and continue to create and sustain an authentic life.”

I love getting this onto paper and unapologetically giving myself permission to keep this my focus!

Have you ever struggled between what you expect of yourself and what you really want to do? Do you have a goal for the coming year that is meaningful for you?

Avivah