Category Archives: personal development

Yay, summer is here and the kids are home!

homeschooling, parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

The summer is a busy time of year for our family!

This is a little roundup of what’s going on around here.

A couple of weeks ago one son turned 17, our first married couple celebrated their two year anniversary, a day later my husband and I celebrated our 27th anniversary, two days ago was my oldest granddaughter’s first birthday, yesterday was another son’s seventh birthday, and tomorrow my oldest son will turn 26! I’m so thankful for it all.

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It’s our first official week of vacation and it’s so nice to finally be free of most of the external schedules! I had a mini debate with myself about sending Yirmi (now 7!) to the school sponsored summer camp program – there was a ridiculously small fee and the bus there and back was available for no extra charge. Even though the program would finish at 12:45 daily and it would have been fun, I opted to keep him home for the entire summer.

It’s so nice not to have to get him ready first thing in the morning, sending him off when he’s fresh and getting him back after 4 pm when he’s exhausted and out of sort. He’s a great person to spend time with. And it feels like vacation to me not to have to get going so early in the morning!

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It seemed that I wouldn’t be allowed to take Rafael (2.5) out of his daycare program for the summer. Don’t ask. It has been one big headache and I continually just turn this over to G-d and ask for His help in gracefully navigating the system. However, this week a therapist gave me a heads up that independent of the administration’s threat not to allow him to come back next year, the therapists don’t think this is a  supportive environment for him and suggest finding a different place.

Now that I know he won’t be continuing at this daycare for the coming year, if I can cut down his summer attendance they can’t threaten me with kicking him out of the program.  It’s the silver lining of the whole daycare situation right now.

What I’d really like to do is keep him home for the coming year, and that would unquestionably be the best thing for him. I’m sure we would see dramatic improvements in every area. However, as a foster parent I don’t get to make that choice. The only option I’m left with is an intensive therapeutic program.

There are many lovely things about that program and if I’m forced to send him there I’ll focus on those things, but I have to tell you honestly that my heart is clutching at all of this. I’m being told he’s not progressing fast enough and the answer is more therapy. But he doesn’t need more therapy, what he needs is more attachment.

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Last week I attended a two day beach festival for women in Tiberias on the edge of the Sea of Galilee, and it was wonderful! So relaxing and maybe most important, I had extended quiet to reflect on some things that are important to me and discuss them with others. From there, I spent a lot of time considering how to integrate more of those things into my life.

The more I have the courage to ask myself what I really want my life to look and feel like, the more clarity I have and then I can take actions to move closer to that goal. It’s extremely empowering.

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On my bucket list for the summer are getting hearing aids for Yirmi. It’s taken a year to get to the point that he’s been approved for the hearing aids, and hopefully in the next month we can get all the necessary appointments for this taken care of. He’s done amazingly in his first year of school, and think how much more he’ll gain next year when he can clearly hear what is being said!

Another important item that I want to take care of during the relaxed summer months, is to begin the process of palate expansion. It can be uncomfortable and make speech less clear, so I opted not to do this during the school year. Yirmi works hard enough to keep up and do all that is asked of him without piling on another challenge during the school year!

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In other news, my 18 year old daughter applied to a seminary that seemed to be a perfect fit for her, and wasn’t accepted. When someone contacted the administration to find out why, they said that due to her homeschooling background, they are concerned she won’t be able to get to classes on time and manage the schedule.

That is so completely ludicrous for someone who has been managing her own schedule for a long time (no parents to wake her up and remind her to do homework); she has much more self-discipline than the average high school graduate. It was very frustrating  that they didn’t bring up this concern in the interview and give her a chance to respond. Instead, they made an assumption based on whatever their ideas about homeschooling are. (Clearly not very positive, as they said, “We aren’t like your family who does whatever they want – we act in accordance to rabbinical guidance.” This is an example of when I have to set my ego aside and focus on supporting what my kids need. )

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My seventeen year old son has decided he wants to leave high school early and go directly to a post high school yeshiva, where he will be able to pursue full-time Torah study. I’ve been somewhat on the fence about this, and despite his repeated comments to the effect that I’m not supporting him, I’m actually very open to the possibility. However, I want to know that he will be attending a yeshiva that will be a good match for him, and finding that match is still up in the air.

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Oh, have I told you that I’m going to continue homeschooling ds10 and ds11 for the coming year? I’ve been meaning to do a post on that for many weeks. After feeling very burnt out last summer, I decided this school year was going to be our last year of homeschooling. But as time went on and I regrouped, I found myself remembering what I love about homeschooling and how it continues to benefit them. Prior to that, I could only see all that I wasn’t doing and was focusing on that.

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Some little random odds and ends of summer stuff…

I took three of the boys to an archeological dig, where we uncovered the original mosaic floors from a 1500 year old church – educational and fun. It was a great experience, and I’d love to share pics but they don’t want the public to see the finds yet. (They’ll be officially introduced in the fall.)

We’ve been continuing exploring the closest national park and in addition to new playgrounds. Yesterday we had a great time at a birthday party for my granddaughter in Jerusalem.

The pool is getting lots of use. Even Rafael (2), who refuses to go in, is enjoying it – we hung the bucket swing over the pool so he can swing and and dangle his feet in the water while the older boys are playing – he loves it!

And that’s the update for now!

Avivah

Staying positive when dealing with frustrating bureaucracy and seeing good results happening!

parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

Yesterday I received the wonderful news that Yirmi (6) has been approved for an additional year of gan safa!

A month ago, after returning from a week at the beach with my family I wrote: I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

Now that there has been some resolution of some things that I was dealing with, I’m going to share with you a glimpse of the back story to the above statement.

For months Yirmi’s school placement for next year was been hanging in the air. Although he was accepted to a mainstream first grade for the coming year, neither I nor any of the professionals assessing him thought putting him in traditional first grade at this time was the best option. However, I was told the likelihood he would be approved for another year of gan safa was almost nonexistent (due to his age). 

Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan
Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan

I went back and forth for weeks, trying to determine what the best course of action would be if he wasn’t approved. Should I send him to first grade, should I officially homeschool him, should I refuse to send him to school and unofficially homeschool him, or should I legally fight for his placement? I spent so many hours of wresting with this and wasn’t getting much clarity on what decision to go in!

I finally decided a few weeks ago that if he was denied gan safa, I would unofficially homeschool him and simultaneously legally fight until he got the appropriate placement. I then felt confident that he was going to go to gan safa one way or another!

And now he’s been approved without any drama, without any fighting, and with plenty of time before the coming school year.

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While dealing with the above, I was simultaneously advocating to get Yirmi changed to a different school bus. The escort on the bus regularly yelled at the kids and threatened them. When I complained, my concerns were verified and she was called in and given a warning. I was told to come back if the problem continued.

Of course the issue continued and I pulled Yirmi off the bus, taking him back and forth daily for weeks. When I went back to the municipality to report that the issue was still a problem, the person at that office (who had been on vacation when I initially dealt with this) adamantly told me  there’s no issue, no one else has complained, and clearly I’m the problem – because I don’t know how to communicate and ds6 is too sensitive.

In spite of that that hostile initial response, my concerns were again very quickly verified but no action was taken. I began to feel that something supernatural had to happen because it seemed that looking out for the emotional safety of the children involved wasn’t anyone’s focus but mine.  While I waited to see this official three weeks later, I repeatedly asked G-d to give me the words to open her heart so she would want to help me.

He did. 

I asked her if she had checked into my concerns and she said she had. What had she found out? I asked, knowing the answer. “That you’re right.” After a bit of back and forth with me being very low key and not speaking with even a hint of blame or hostility for their position until that point, she looked me steadily in the eyes without speaking for a full minute. While continuing to look me in the eye, she picked up her phone and called another bus escort to notify her that Yirmi was being shifted to her route, effective immediately. I had been told for months that this was impossible. One 60 second phone call and it was done.

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Then, also at the same time, I was informed that a report was sent to (or from? – no one will tell me who wrote it) social services that I bring Rafael to his daycare between 9:30  – 10 am, and when told he is missing his therapeutic interventions as a result of my tardiness, told them I don’t care. Since this was completely false (he’s always there between 8:30 – 9, in time for breakfast as per their guidelines), I assumed some obvious mistake had been made and it would quickly be corrected. Instead I was told there was no mistake, that everything that was written was true and I’m the problem. (Do you notice a pattern in official responses ?)

Since then they’ve admitted that they wrote incorrect information in the report (no one is saying it directly to me, of course, but they admitted it to my foster care social worker). However,  now that I’m on their radar it seems they want to create an issue, and I was told they will deny Rafael admission to their program next year unless I agree to leave him there for the full day program.

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Background to this discussion: After five months in daycare this year, his development had stalled so obviously that no one could deny it. At that point I began picking him up at 12:30 daily rather than letting him stay until 3:30/4 pm. Within a week he became happier, much more active, involved in activities at daycare, his development restarted and he’s now doing fabulously. Every single professional at the roundtable evaluation meeting in Feb. agreed that it was because of this decision of mine to pick him up early that he was doing so well.

Before I ever registered him for this program in Feb 2018, I asked them when the actual programming took place, and asked if there would be a problem if I picked him up when this programming was finished.  I was clearly told that the program takes place between breakfast and lunch, and as long as he’s there for that stretch of time and we pay the price for the full day, there’s no problem with me picking him up early.

Suddenly I’m being told that it’s a problem that I pick him up early because he is missing the benefits of inclusion. My social worker spoke to her supervisor and told me that they know how well Rafael is doing and understand my concerns, they know that I was told it was fine to pick him up early (they verified with the head of the daycare) but the foster care agency has to insist I comply and send him for the full day next year.

May 2019 at beach, age 2.5
May 2019 at beach, age 2.5

For a couple of days after I received the notice of the report I was very bothered. I was so upset, not that they made a mistake, but that they wouldn’t admit to their mistake. I was sorely tempted to pull him from the program for the coming year but due to foster care guidelines and demands I am left with no other viable options. Finally I took a mental step back and said to myself, I am not giving my power away. This feels real and intimidating but it’s really not. I have a choice how I choose to think about this.

It was good I had a chance to emotionally address this within myself since then I didn’t get upset and frustrated when being told about this new issue. I’m not going to feel stuck and powerless to make good choices for my child, I’m not going to tell myself how threatening and bad this is for Rafael . I’m completely sidestepping this power play.

I’m continuing to believe in the good will of all involved – truly, these are all nice people with good intentions – and trust that it will all work out for Rafael’s highest good next year. 

Avivah

3 beliefs that bring me comfort in hard times

personal development

Though I periodically ask G-d to please help me appreciate what I have and to grow closer to Him from a place of abundance and gratitude rather than pain and scarcity, I know I’m asking for the impossible. Because honestly, there’s nothing like experiencing pain, either big or small, to force you to grow in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.

Believe me, I’m not idealizing pain. I’ve gone through situations that were so gut wrenchingly agonizing that I shudder at the mere thought of having to experience anything like that again. Yes, I grew a lot from those challenges that were more difficult than I thought I had the capacity to deal with.

Looking back I can appreciate that. But I can’t and won’t idealize pain.

Various people have shared their overwhelming feelings of challenge with me recently, and feeling alone and unsupported has made each situation many times worse. I can only share several beliefs that have been helpful for me to lean on in tough times:

  • Everything comes from G-d.
  • G-d loves me more than I can imagine.
  • Everything G-d does is for my ultimate good and it is good right now even though I can’t see it.

Knowing that G-d is behind it all and is there for me keeps me from feeling alone even in situations where people aren’t showing up in the way I would like, whether in my personal life or in the wider global community.

Someone told me that it’s a struggle for her to hear any mention of G-d, and I understand that. Don’t think I was smilingly thanking G-d for my big challenges! I actually had a tremendous amount of anger that I suppressed and it wasn’t until several years later that I realized that I had pushed this under the metaphorical carpet rather than confront my feelings of abandonment by G-d.

It wasn’t until I was able to be honest with myself about later on and express that anger, that I could move on to the next stage of resolution. (Guess what? G-d is big enough to handle your anger.) When I let the feelings of betrayal out, I made room for the positive feelings of trust to come in.

Now it’s much easier for me to feel in my heart, not just think in my head, that G-d loves me and wants me to have an awesome life. (This isn’t a static awareness – I constantly come back to these above points and remind myself of them!)

For me, to feel that life is randomly throwing curve balls at me seems senseless and cruel. Knowing there’s a purpose in whatever happens and that everything comes from a place of love is reassuring and something I come back to again and again when I feel troubled.

Avivah

 

 

What to do when feeling victimized

personal development

I’m back from our week long vacation at the beach!

And honestly, I’m ready to go back.

beach

I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

I’m feeling frustrated and resentful and threatened in a similar way by some situations happening simultaneously. Some are bigger political concerns (like the dramatically escalating anti-semitism worldwide and widespread media distortions of truth) and some are closer to home (school related issues interacting with those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and don’t seem to care at all about the children they are making decisions for).

When I take some quiet time to look at what is underneath all of those emotions of mine, there’s a feeling of being disempowered and victimized, a fear of not being heard and not being valued. Fear really is the core emotion that it always come down to for everyone if you keep unpeeling the metaphorical onion.

Now for me,  feeling victimized is a huge red flag  and is a place I need to be very conscious to move away from. It feels very real and it feels overwhelming and it feels TRUE.

All of that has to be replaced with something else for me to have inner peace and serenity. Because no matter what is happening around me, no matter who is doing what they are doing and saying what they are saying, I am not a victim. I am not powerless. I have choices.

I might not like my choices. I may wish that things looked different. But there is always some element that I have the possibility of impacting positively. 

Picture a toddler having a major tantrum on the floor and that’s how I sometimes feel inside, wishing things were the way I want them to be. It’s not fair! Waah, waah, waah!

Wouldn’t it be nice if kicking and screaming and being got me the results I wanted? So much easier than having to take responsibility for my part! Ugh, being an adult sometimes is so not fun.

When the resentment or negativity starts to creep in, I try to remind myself to focus on what my proactive part can be. The more I focus on what I can do, the more empowered I feel and the victim feelings fade.

I also feel strongly that contributing negative energy to a situation not only isn’t helpful, but perpetuates and intensifies the situation. I certainly don’t want to add more fuel to the fire when I’m trying to put my part of the fire out!

In my next post, I’ll share some of the spiritual beliefs I hold onto when feeling disillusioned, overwhelmed or really disturbed about something, whether that something is in the outer world or closer to home.

Avivah

The truth about what makes parenting so hard

parenting, personal development

I love sharing the principles of healthy relationships, and understanding these ideas and integrating them in your family life will dramatically cut down on conflicts and difficulties with your children. Parenting can become much easier than you have previously experienced. No question.

BUT.

To say that if you do it right, parenting will never be hard is a lie.

That is because no matter how much you know, there’s one big potential issue in every challenging interaction between you and your child.

YOU.

Right. You, the person who gives significant amounts of life energy to raise tiny self-centered beings into productive and contributing members of society. You, a person with feelings and opinions and a desire to be loved, respected and appreciated.

If you have even one child of any age, you’ve probably already learned that your child’s focus isn’t on letting you know how much they appreciate all your hard work and love.

They may even – gasp! – act in ways that indicate they feel otherwise.

And that is hard. Feeling rejected, unloved or unappreciated by these children you have poured yourself into is hard. Very hard.

But because you’re a parent, you’re supposed to act like an adult. That means finding a way to honor your needs and boundaries at the same time that your child still needs your love and acceptance.

This is hard, hard inner work.

The challenging situations I’ve faced as a parent have always forced me into this work.

The external situation: “How dare you roll your eyes at me, disrespect me, talk to me/about me like that?”

Is it okay for them to say these things, to do these things?

No, it’s not okay. Sometimes it’s extremely not okay. But you can’t make it about them. This isn’t about finding someone to pin the blame for your bad feelings onto.

You know, feelings like, “It’s not me that’s a bad parent, it’s this spoiled, entitled (you pick your personal preferred adjective) kid. I’m fine, he’s the problem.”

To appropriately respond to your child and guide him means that you have to reach deep into yourself, and take responsibility for your own sense of being valuable. And only then, you can give them the guidance and direction that they need.

Avivah

My little act of gratitude and the touching response I received

personal development

A couple of weeks ago, Yirmi had an evaluation for school placement purposes.

A few days later, I had a three hour meeting with staff at his school, who were shocked to hear that we had already not only scheduled the evaluation, but completed it.

Literally, their mouths dropped open. One of them clarified, “I was here 7 or 8 weeks ago and it wasn’t even scheduled yet.”

“Right”, I told her, “I tried to contact the social worker the next week and after two weeks reached her. She scheduled me for an intake appointment right away, and then the evaluation was scheduled within 5 weeks of then.”

They all shook their heads disbelievingly, telling me it usually takes many months to complete this process, and credited the social worker for her assistance in moving this process along.

After I went home, I thought about their reaction and felt it would be appropriate to express my appreciation to the social worker for her help. Just because it’s her job doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t let her know her efforts were appreciated!

I would call her and warmly thank you. No, I would send her an email. No, I could give her a little token of appreciation, like a chocolate bar with a note.

But I didn’t do anything. Because any idea I had felt too insignificant and any idea that was bigger felt too hard. What would I send, and how would I wrap it and I wouldn’t want it to be too fancy but I didn’t want to send something embarrassingly small. And then I’d have  to make a trip to the store for a nice bar of chocolate and a thank you card and cellophane and ribbon to wrap it all up.

Finally, I told myself that it would be better to do something than completely lose the opportunity, since I was clearly on the path to doing nothing.

So I took a plastic plate, put an apple, pear, clementine and a small bag of dates on it (that’s what I had in the house). I wrote a little note: “Dear Social Worker – Thank you for your dedicated help to us, we really appreciated it. Signed, Avivah, mother of Yirmi”.

I put a plastic bag over it, tied the top in a knot and popped in to her office. She was with a client, so I just handed it to her with a smile and said,”Thanks for your help, this is a little something for you.” She gave me a big surprised smile and I left right away, not wanting to interrupt her any more than I had.

A few days later, I got the following email:

Subject line: תודה על הכרת הטוב  (Translation – Thank you for your appreciation)

הי אביבה.

רציתי להגיד לך תודה על הפירות. לא הספקתי להתרגש ביום חמישי, אבל אתמול כאשר אכלתי את התמרים והם היו כל כך רכים, קטנים ומתוקים חשבתי שהם באמת כמו הילדים המיוחדים שלנו.
אז תודה, ריגשת אותי.
Translation: “Hi, Avivah – I wanted to thank you for the fruit. I wasn’t able to respond on Thursday but yesterday when I ate the dates, and they were so soft, small and sweet, I thought that they are truly like our special children.
So thank you, you really touched me.”

gratitude heart

Her note left me with a warm feeling  and gratitude that rather than getting stuck in my head and wanting to express my appreciation perfectly, I did what I could.

As the saying goes, “Done is better than perfect.”

Avivah

PS – Several hours after posting this, I had a meeting with seven different professionals regarding Rafael’s current placement in his daycare inclusion program. Imagine my surprise to see this same social worker sitting in the room when I arrived!  It’s a small world and one never knows when the effects of your positive or negative interactions with others will come back to you.

Isn’t it a pity? The real problem with special needs – video

parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

I saw this TED talk quite some time ago, and after recently watching it again, felt it was worth sharing with you.

This brief talk sums up some of my thoughts on the realities of being labeled as ‘special’, too often resulting in being pitied, marginalized and excluded.

The environment we raise children in is an extremely powerful influencer of our children’s futures. We are individually and collectively constantly broadcasting meta messages to our children of their inherent worth and potential. This is true of all children, and especially those who are viewed as different (generally assumed to mean ‘less than’).

While seeing the positive possibilities available in special ed frameworks, I nonetheless have very strong reservations about these typically exclusionary environments and the nonverbal messages they convey to the neurotypical as well as differently-abled about the role that each plays vis a vis one another.

As a result, I have chosen to place Yirmi (6) and Rafael (2) in inclusive frameworks that are more supportive of the attitudes I’d like them to be surrounded with.

To share some questions of this speaker:

What if we looked at the disability as neutral and just saw the child and not the label?

What if we built a community where everyone belongs?

What do we gain when we separate kids and what do we lose when we separate them?

How would you want to be treated if you had a disability?

Would you want people to feel sorry for you, to stare at you, to talk down to you?

These are very important questions, ones that I started asking myself only after Yirmi was born and I was slowly internalizing a paradigm that resonated with me.

I want my children – all of them – to feel a sense of community, to feel a sense of belonging and contribution to the society in which they live. For kids with ‘special needs’, this can be hard, because there is so much effort put into segregating them from others ‘for their own good’. Because, you know, they’re ‘special‘.

Special stinks.

I don’t want my kids with T21 to be special.

I want them to be treated like other children.

Yesterday, I mentioned that Yirmi (6) has another evaluation coming up soon and my eleven year old asked me, “Why does Yirmi have so many tests and I never had any?”

Why, indeed???

Yirmi gets a label that says Trisomy 21, and is presumed to be so ‘special’ that he has to prove his worthiness before being given a chance to join a mainstream classroom. Not like other kids, who are presumed to be capable until proven otherwise.

I mean, would Yirmi or Rafael even develop and progress in any area of their lives if they weren’t being assessed every year? Amazing that non-special kids learn to sit up and walk and feed themselves without ongoing evaluations.

I don’t want my boys with T21 shunted to the side because they’re ‘special’, with a focus on how they are different rather than how they are the same. I don’t want them marginalized in the community and placed with those who are assumed to be like them just because they have the same label.

Truly, the differences are so, so small. Kids with disabilities want what we all want, they need what they all want – to be appreciated, to be included, to be valued.

This isn’t exclusively about those with disabilities – it’s really about us. It’s about how we value others, and the kind of world we want to live in.

Do we want to live in a world of kindness and acceptance, a world in which we are willing to make the effort for others to belong? Or do we want to wall ourselves off to be with those we presume to be like ourselves?

We don’t need echo chambers. We all benefit when we broaden our experiences to include those who bring something different to the table.

We need the willingness to live fully, and to love fully. And to include others so they can experience those things as well.

Avivah

Writing less when online communication feel less safe

personal development

I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and I had to finally get up and write here.

I was thinking about an irony I’ve noticed : the more I have to say, the less I write about it. Why is that?   What changed from when I shared so freely on so many topics? Why now, when I have just as much to share, and much more life experience and confidence, do I so often feel reticent and even avoidant?

There are a few factors – but a big one is, it doesn’t always feel like a friendly or safe space anymore.

Several years ago, I began noticing that when I wrote on certain topics, people who had never commented or even visited my blog before would speak up in very strong terms disagreeing with me. They were atypical of my blog readers, and I didn’t understand why they bothered reading my blog or commenting. If you don’t like it, just move along – there are plenty of other places to read things you agree with. If you’re here, you’re going to get my perspective.

I would later learn that what I was experiencing was happening all over the natural health blogosphere and was known as ‘astroturfing’. This is when people are paid to surf the internet looking for certain keywords and ‘seed’ the comment section of a blog with hostile comments in an attempt to discredit the person writing.

Then about three years ago, my kids started shidduchim. I always knew that day would come and wasn’t afraid of anyone reading anything I wrote. After all, I’ve been true to myself and figured anyone who read would know who I am and what I’m about – I’ve never tried to create an image or portray myself or my family differently than we are.

I had assumed that what I wrote would be read in context, but soon experienced how hurtful it could be when strangers would look through years worth of posts and pick out details out of context. It didn’t happen that often but it was enough for me to feel very wary.

Just being a blogger was enough to end one shidduch suggestion! The other side was very interested in my son, until they did research and learned that I have a blog. Don’t you know the Agudah came out against bloggers as anti-religion and mockers of all that is good and holy? When the shadchan told me they said no because ‘you’re a blogger‘, it was like she was saying a bad word.

Even little things could be seen as a big deal. I once mentioned to a shadchan (who has no internet access and has never read my blog ) that I had just been baking bagels with my kids for an activity and she did a double take – ‘Oh, wait, you eat whole wheat? So you’re, like really into health food?’ I heard the mental gears spinning in her head as she reevaluated our past conversation and reassigned me to a different ‘box’.

I thought I would share openly again once my oldest three were out of shidduchim, but that hasn’t happened.  Because once you shut yourself down, it’s not so easy to open up again.

I’ve watched through the lens of social media as people have become more disrespectful, hostile, and even hateful towards those who don’t share their opinions. People seem more and more to be looking for echo chambers rather than to dialogue with others of different perspectives from a place of mutual respect.

It takes courage to share one’s thoughts honestly.  I was unable to sleep as I asked myself, have I written less from a place of fear/ lack of courage(bad), or from a place of honoring my own changing needs (good)?

‘To thine own self be true’ – that always resonates for me. How does that play out day to day?

As with so many things, the answers are subtle. Writing should serve the writer just as much as the readers. My personal feeling is that I need to listen to what feels right for me at that moment. What is one day motivated by one thing can be motivated by something else entirely on a different day.

No answers to share tonight, just some of my swirling thoughts. 🙂

Avivah

How I shut off the inner voice that tells me I’m not enough

parenting, personal development

Last night a short video came across my Facebook feed of an amazing single mother of 12.

She had her first at 15 – her oldest is about 25, her youngest is 4 – she’s now 42. She’s in great shape, she’s so positive and she EXUDES energy. She has a super popular FB page, she speaks all over Israel inspiring others and she even has time to help others in unfortunate situations.

Her kids rave about how wonderful she is, how loved each one is, she’s so dedicated and so loving and so much fun. ‘After school today, we’ll go have a bonfire!’ Dance party in the living room with everyone! She loves to clean.

And she’s so nice and so honest and really inspiring.

Oh, my gosh, it was so discouraging.

Because after a few minutes of watching, a little voice inside asked, “Why can’t you be a fun mother? Why can’t you be more positive? Why can’t you be more organized? LIKE HER.”

Once that voice gets started, forget it. It just keeps going: ‘All my kids wouldn’t gush about me and say how I’m this incredible being who is just beyond amazing. And how there’s so much love that they never feel shortchanged by anyone else. No, my kids say things like, I’m not paying attention to them and the kitchen is a mess and why can’t I do more than I’m already doing in one area or another?

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There were several people who commented on my last post about how inspiring it was.

Then, a blog reader who I recently had the opportunity to meet in person emailed and commented regarding that same post, “Also I loved your post on schools. I see why I was so intimidated to meet you in person. On your blog you have all the answers. (or that is how I read it). Probably because you post stuff that you have processed.”

My partial response was:

“I find it so interesting that you read my blog as coming across as having all the answers. That’s so much not the place that I write from. I try to share my process and my doubts, as well as the resolution when there is one….

The nature of online reading is people tend to put others on pedestals and assume that everything is always organized, always happy, always confident, or whatever. But life isn’t always any one way, it’s shades of grays. “

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When I was younger and would do the ‘compare and despair’ thing, I would get lost in my feelings of inadequacy and sometimes wallow in that negativity. But with maturity and a lot of conscious work in this area, I’ve become able to reel myself in a lot faster.

Yes, I have triggers – like seeing this video late at night when I was really tired. That’s when I’m most susceptible to negative thinking. But I’m grateful I was able to pretty quickly reset from, “she does this = so should I”, to ‘that’s great if she’s always happy and organized and fun. It doesn’t make me less in any way.’ Only I can make myself less.

I have to note that she never said she’s always happy and organized and fun. Yes, that’s what they showed in this ten minute clip, but it was me who went ahead and kept building assumption on top of assumption! Actually, I’m pretty positive she’s be the first to laugh and say my presumptions aren’t true at all.

Can you relate to this at all? Have you ever read or watched something, and then imagined that person was always as wonderful as they came across in the article or video or blog post? Even though you KNOW that people are human??

So what’s the answer?

For me to say, ‘That’s her and it has nothing to do with me,’ is just the first step to slowing down the negative thinking. I also have to remind myself of my own accomplishments.

Not to compare, but to remember that I’m doing fine, working with my own strengths and challenges and limitations.

Avivah

How to be a good mother-in-law – be positive or don’t say anything at all

parenting, personal development

On Friday morning, I had a long and satisfying talk with a good friend who I get to speak with far too rarely.

We’re in a similar stage of life – she also has three married children – and she shared how hard it is for her to see her married children making choices that are different from those she would make. These weren’t superficial choices, but things that were very close to her heart and her values. She stated very honestly that it makes her feel like she failed as a parent.

That night, we had all of our three of our married couples over. It was especially nice since it was my birthday weekend. True to our family tradition, each person shared something they appreciated about me.

All three in-law children mentioned that they appreciate that I don’t impose my opinions on them and give them space as a couple.  There’s a famous saying: “To be a good mother-in-law, keep your mouth shut and your purse open.”  While I’d replace the second part with ‘give without strings attached’, there’s definitely truth to this saying.

Establish healthy boundaries over the years. Learning to have healthy boundaries isn’t something that begins the day your child get married. As my children grow and mature, bit by bit I give them more independence and less active direction. It’s a gradual process. So it’s not as if I suddenly had to cut the ties and clamp my mouth shut after the wedding ceremony!

Remember how you felt when you were criticized. I’ve had the experience of being criticized for choices I’ve made as a wife/parent. While I now have no doubt it was well-intended, it was very hard for me to hear. It certainly didn’t enhance my positive feelings towards the person expressing his or her dissatisfaction with me.  However, I’m glad I had that experience because it gave me a perspective that is now helpful to me.

Recognize your child is an adult.  I’m very blessed in that we really hit the jackpot with wonderful people marrying into our family. I have tremendous respect for each of my married children and their spouses. Every single one of them are mature and responsible adults and I trust them to make good decisions.

Good choices aren’t about what you would do.  Good decisions aren’t those that are the same as what I would make, but those that are right for them.

My daughter-in-law asked me about a birthing option when she was expecting and knowing my natural-oriented approach said, “I know you think I should xyz.” I told her honestly, “No, I don’t think that. You have to do what’s right for you and no one else can know what that is. The ‘right’ choice is the one that is right for you.”

I shared this with someone who then objected, but don’t you have an objective position on one option being better than the other? Yes, I do, when it’s a theoretical discussion. When it comes to making a personal choice, it’s up to each person to do his research and then make his decision. And my role is to honor that.

(There is a limit to honoring the differences. When we discussed this at the table, I said that while I wouldn’t want to interfere with their parenting, I would definitely speak up if I saw something really concerned me. The question then would be how and when to share those concerns.)

Detach your sense of worth from your child’s choices – It’s important to not derive your sense of success as a parent from the choices your children make – ie, they do what I do, so I did a good job; they make different choices so I failed. This is where developing an independent sense of self-worth is critical – I can’t be dependent for how I feel about myself today based on what my children do or don’t do. 

(Or even if my children like me or not. That’s the subject for another post!)

Don’t volunteer your opinion. If someone wants my opinion, they can ask me. But the older I get, the less quick I am to offer my opinion even when asked.  I feel very, very strongly that what I do is right for me, based on my needs, my assessment of the situation, my goals. And therefore when asked I tend to stress that this is what I do.

When it comes to older children (not just those who are married), the less you give your opinion, the better. Believe me, they already know what your position is on just about everything by then without you saying it again!

 

Avivah