Category Archives: personal development

Aliza Bloch and the power of a vision

personal development

Here in Israel we’ve just wrapped up the voting across the country for various local positions.

I’m not going to go into the politics of the elections – that’s not relevant to most of you. But what is of interest is to see an inspiring model of a person who actualized a vision that seemed like a fantasy, something that could never happen.

Dr. Aliza Bloch wanted to become the mayor of Beit Shemesh and change how things were being run.

When she announced her candidacy five months ago, the announcement was met with great skepticism and disinterest. No one wanted to challenge the incumbent since after the last election, it was accepted as fact that a non-charedi candidate couldn’t win. By sheer number of votes, the charedi voters of the city would determine the outcome and obviously they would vote.

Aliza Bloch wasn’t charedi. Not only that, she was a woman – and there’s never been a female mayor of this city in all of its decades. She didn’t have a chance. And that was why there was so much skepticism and apathy regarding her candidacy.

But Dr. Bloch believed differently. She spent hours almost every day for five months knocking door to door, meeting people one at a time, meeting with small groups in neighborhood after neighborhood, listening to concerns, formulating a plan and sharing her vision.

Not only that, she began the work of planning for the actions she would take once she was elected, reaching out to businesses, planning initiatives to bring income into the city – preparing to implement her vision when she was elected.

Laughable, isn’t it? To prepare for the impossible that everyone else can clearly see can’t happen?

Except that as people got to know her, they began to believe her vision. Her personal vision became a vision shared by thousands of people.

Two days ago, our city held elections. It was a race that was neck and neck, and when all the votes were counted that evening, the votes were in: the incumbent mayor won by 101 votes (out of over 40,000).

So it was over. She lost. So much for her vision.

Except then  it was announced that the votes of several groups hadn’t yet been counted – and when those were all accounted for a day and a half later, Aliza Bloch was 533 votes ahead.

At 3 am this morning it was finally official – Dr. Aliza Bloch was announced as the new mayor of Beit Shemesh.

For me, watching this campaign has been a living example of what it looks like have a mental picture of what you want to achieve, and then consistently work towards that goal, stick toward your goal and never stop believing in your vision.

Avivah

When G-d wants something to happen….it does

personal development

Yesterday morning I was crossing the parking lot at the hardware store when a pickup truck suddenly began rapidly backing up. I was looking in the other direction to check if any cars were coming from the anticipated direction when the the worker right behind me who was carrying part of my order to my car yelled out in alarm. I stopped just in time to avoid being hit – the item in my left hand that was swinging forward hit the truck and the rest of me was less than a step away.

I’m very, very careful about pedestrian safety, especially after several years ago being hit by a car that had stopped to let me and my son cross at the crosswalk, then drove into us when we were halfway across. But being careful wasn’t enough. Not at that crosswalk and not at the parking lot yesterday. My efforts and caution couldn’t keep me safe. It was clearly only because Hashem didn’t want me to be hit by a car that I wasn’t.

Later that day when I heard the horrible, tragic news of the murder of Ari Fuld in Efrat, I had a similar jolt. Ari was an extremely passionate and well-known advocate for Israel, a paramedic, army reservist, karate instructor, a person filled with kindness and concern for others who was constantly finding ways to support those in need. A person almost larger than life in his accomplishments and his efforts to protect the Jewish people. The last person who ‘should’ have been killed by an attack like this. (He was stabbed in the back when shopping and unbelievably chased his attacker and shot him before collapsing, preventing him from attacking anyone else.)

It’s only because Hashem decreed this would happen – on Rosh Hashana just a week ago -that it could happen.

This year I’ve felt somewhat removed from the Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur spirit; a time of reflection, prayer and humility. Until yesterday. Yesterday was a very sobering day.

It’s a gift to leave our homes in the morning and for all of our family members to return safely and unharmed later in the day. Yesterday, I returned to my family just as I had left. Ari Fuld didn’t.

As Yom Kippur approaches, may we all merit to be signed and sealed for the good for the coming year.

Avivah

Embracing transitions- renovations, slowing down, starting school

homeschooling, personal development, Trisomy 21

Have you been wondering where I’ve disappeared to?? This has been my longest absence from blogging in twelve years!

It’s been a busy summer and while there were lots of good things, it was unusually challenging. Our DIY renovation added a huge amount of work and upheaval – every single item from every single room in our home except one was moved and the new spaces for some of those things still aren’t ready for them.

It’s been a big transition for us all.

I enjoy doing hands on activities, but while doing the actual renovation work I still needed to cook, clean, do laundry (without a sink for two weeks, without a washer for two separate weeks), buy groceries, etc – while also needing to oversee the project, constantly buy more supplies (the workers in several building supply stores all know me by now!) and teach the younger boys how to do the various renovations tasks…

I also still have these lovely children to be a mother to and that doesn’t mean constantly asking them to do yet another task or trying to meet their needs as fast as I can so I can get on to a job that is waiting to be done. My biggest effort in the midst of everything going on and all the emotions being expressed,was to still be a decent person to live with. That’s a big job when there is so much stress being experienced by so many people!

As far as how things are progressing – the bulk of the main work is finished and the new kitchen is fully functional. Yay! (When the sinks were finally in I felt like I was living in luxury!) Yes, I owe you all a picture!

There are still a number of small details before it will be completely finished. As much as I really, really want it all done, I made the decision to set further work aside until after Rosh Hashana. It was frustrating trying to get any work done with our youngest two boys around and when I tried I often had the feeling of two steps forward, one (and sometimes two!) steps back!

In addition to working with young children around (have you ever tiled a floor while living in a home and keeping your children off those tiles for 48 hours while the glue and then the grout sets?), things kept happening that diverted my energy or physically made it impossible to move forward with the intended renovation work, day after day: several of the boys were knocked out by a stomach virus, a very sick baby for three weeks, falling on a nail and not being able to move one hand for a week, badly smashing a finger in sliding door, spending thirteen hours in Jerusalem at the emergency room with a child who got plaster in his eye (and having the car overheat on the way there and then got a flat tire on the way home)….

There were so many unusual things happening one on top of another, that it became clear to me that Hashem (or maybe my unconscious) was giving me a message: slow down or I’d be forced to slow down.

Though I wanted everything DONE – what I really, really needed was to put my endless list of things to do aside and give myself a mental break by not thinking about all that still needed to be done.

Even with all of the challenges, I’m so happy to have tackled this project! By taking some time off from the work I’m able to breathe and look at what a huge accomplishment this has been instead of getting caught up in all the little details remaining.

I’m really pleased with how the new kitchen is shaping up and how much more spacious our main area is. One huge benefit that I didn’t anticipate is that I can now be working in the kitchen and still be involved in whatever the kids are doing.

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Last week Rafael (20 months) started at day care; it’s a wonderful program with full inclusion and he will have his own assistant for two hours each morning to help him participate fully in the activities. He will also be getting therapies there and the therapists will give instructions to his personal assistant, who will integrate their suggestions into her time with him as he does the group activities.

This week Yirmi started school! I’m not one for taking first day of school pictures but fortunately for me, the mother of another little boy in his class took this one for us!

Ds6 feeling shy and proud!
Ds6 feeling shy and proud

His teachers have all told me how impressed they are by him and what a pleasure he is to have in the class. And he loves it! It took a lot of persistence and advocacy to get him into this program (gan safa) which was sometimes emotionally wearing, but after the first ten minutes of being there with him, I felt so grateful that I stuck with the process. I think he’s going to gain tremendously!

I sent Yirmi to a Hebrew speaking camp for a month this summer to help prepare him for school. His English comprehension is excellent but his Hebrew is minimal. I told his teacher that he doesn’t understand Hebrew yet, but yesterday she told me he seems to understand a lot of what is being said to him and responds accordingly.  I attribute this to him paying attention to tone and body language – but maybe his camp experience helped prepare him more than I thought!

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So who does that leave homeschooling? As I enter my nineteenth year of homeschooling, we now have just three boys homeschooling (9, 11, 12).  I’ve had very little kids at home for throughout all these years and suddenly I don’t.

I expected to feel some ambivalence and sadness at this transition point, but that’s not the case at all. I have so many things I’m constantly dealing with and I’m grateful to be able to slow down and move away from the very intensive schedule that I’ve had for so long. I’m ready to embrace and enjoy this new stage and give myself a pat on the back for all my efforts with each of them until now. Though I’ve often wished I could do much, much more than I do, I’m willing to let that go and instead focus on what I have done!

My intention for the coming year is to be able to focus my time and attention on the boys at home in a way I haven’t been able to do when constantly stopping and starting to take care of younger children.

But my even bigger priority is to arve out some renewal time for myself!

Avivah

 

My significant life changing purchase – a car!

frugal strategies, homemaking, homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Thank you all for your good wishes on our new granddaughter! She was named yesterday and I’m looking forward to taking the younger boys to meet her later this week.

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In other significant for us news, we have become car owners!

When we moved to Israel almost seven years ago, we decided not to buy a vehicle because buying, maintaining and fueling a car here is so much more expensive than in the US. Public transportation is very good and a car seemed like an unnecessary luxury, particularly when we came here without a job and wanted to stretch our savings as long as possible.

It was a good decision then that really made sense,  and for the ensuing six years it continued to be a good choice. We felt comfortable not having a car, there was no sense of deprivation or doing without – in fact, it was a relief to me not to have to deal with a car.

However, this last year and particularly the last few months (since both of my older daughters got married) have become increasingly challenging for me. Since my five year old doesn’t consistently walk moderate distances when he’s tired and as of last July I refused to put him in a stroller, traveling by bus with him is something that I try to minimize. Without older children who can keep an eye on the younger ones when I go out, just getting the weekly grocery shopping done has become a pressure and that’s where my ‘free’ time goes.

I was increasingly feeling maxxed out with the little time for myself needing to be almost painfully carved out, and the time strain that was being created was significant. A couple of months ago, someone asked why this was an issue for me, since after all, I’ve been homeschooling for 18 years and was used to my kids being around. I told her, “I used to have a car and I could take the kids with me if I needed to go out; I wasn’t stuck and unable to go anywhere.” However, I didn’t consider the significance of my answer to her until last week.

That was when I recalled our brief conversation and it suddenly became obvious to me that this major issue that has significantly impacted the quality of my life would be shifted if I had a car.  Previously, I kept thinking that the issue would be resolved as my son became more mobile; car ownership was so off my mental map that it simply didn’t occur to me to revisit the initial decision we made when we moved here.

Well.

That conversation was suddenly catapulted to the front of my consciousness when I saw a car listed for sale on my local neighborhood list that seemed like it would be a good fit for us. I spent a couple of hours considering if it was ridiculously self-indulgent of me to have a car before calling my husband to let him know I thought we should seriously consider purchasing a car. My husband readily agreed since he had already mentioned several times in the past that at some point he wanted to get a car but I was the naysayer. (When we ran the numbers to check the anticipated expenses, his only question was, “Why didn’t we do this a long time ago?”)

Once I allowed myself to recognize how much having a car would shift this major energy block in my life, things moved very quickly. We bought a car the very next day.

I can say without exaggeration that after using it for just a few hours this afternoon and evening (and knowing this is something I can regularly do) my life has changed. No hyperbole.

This afternoon I was able to pop my tired five year old into the car and take him with me and ds9 on an errand. This errand is something I’ve wanted to do for almost three months but logistically it was too hard to do without a car.

So we zipped over to get it taken care of – in ten minutes it was done. The boys enjoyed watching the workmen cut down the mirror and reframe it, an experience they wouldn’t have had before since I would have left them at home. I’ve always loved having the kids be part of those daily experiences – each on its own is nothing major but they add up to enriching and expansive experiences.

Since we had plenty of time before swimming lessons began, we went to go the local community center to get ds5 a bus card with his photo on it. This errand has been on my list for months. He’s almost six and I wanted to get him one since he turned five. Now he has one!

We then noticed some activities taking place in the community center, which I learned were for families who have children with special needs. Maybe I never knew about this, maybe I was told about this and mentally dismissed it as completely irrelevant for us because getting out was just too hard.

In any case, today we joined them. It was so nice to watch ds5 play (he knew another child there from his Pesach camp), to chat with another mom, and to feel so relaxed. Relaxing and going out with my five year old haven’t been synonymous for me for quite some time.

From there we went to swimming lessons, and the biggest, most significant thing happened when the lessons were over.

We were home in five minutes.

Five minutes.

Instead of 45 minutes.

Instead of coaxing him to walk a little more. Instead of tugging at his hand and picking him up and then insisting that I can’t carry him and he’s going to have to walk, yada, yada, yada while he sits down and from sheer exhaustion refuses to move. Then finally getting to the bus stop, getting on the bus, and after getting off coaxing him again to walk the distance from the bus stop to our home. All over again.

We were home and I was still smiling and ds5 was still smiling and ds9 (who has lessons at the same time and is part of this weekly round trip experience) was still smiling. I had energy to give everyone dinner.  My husband probably did a double take when he walked in and wondered if it was really Sunday since I smiled and had a conversation with him with no mention of being so tired that I was about to collapse. Instead I enthusiastically told him how amazingly enjoyable ds5 is to spend time with when I don’t have to marshal all my resources to physically get him where he needs to go.

At 8:30 in the evening, rather than being comatose on the couch, I took ds12 to his swimming lessons (for the first time this season), and enjoyed watching him for 45 minutes before driving home together. (Today I learned that my two sons in group lessons are the best swimmers in their groups. They wouldn’t have told me because they don’t know that when they’re swimming and can’t hear what’s being said, the instructor tells the other students to watch what they’re doing. I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t been there in person to see it.) It was really nice having this opportunity to spend time with ds12 and make a deposit in my relationship with him.

And here I am writing this now. It is almost 11:30 at night and I’m still able to think and reflect. The clarity of how deeply exhausting this aspect of my life has become after just one afternoon of not having to go through it is almost stunning to me.

Today I got things done quickly and easily. And that was nice. But what was even nicer was feeling doors swinging open. Doors of increased outings with my kids, increased time freedom and flexibility, increased community involvement and social connection, increased being present for others and myself.  And none of it feels hard. 

Letting go of hard required me to first be really honest about how constraining things had become. When things shift gradually over time, there’s not a sudden negative situation to deal with – and that makes it harder to recognize because one gets used to it bit by bit.  I started to recognize how many ‘nos’ I was saying to myself – and was willing to be open to a solution from a different angle.

It’s interesting that when ds19 called and I told him we had just bought a car a few hours before, he wasn’t surprised. Since I had never entertained the idea myself until a day prior, obviously I hadn’t discussed the possibility with our children and I asked him why he told me the purchase was predictable. He said that in the last year when I’ve periodically rented a car, it was obvious to him how much more relaxed and happy I was.

What was obvious to him took a lot of soul searching for me!

Avivah

Making Shavuos flower arrangements

frugal strategies, homemaking, personal development

I love greenery and flowers, and so yesterday I popped into the florist to buy a couple of bouquets in honor of Shavuos.

For my daughter’s wedding, I put together the flower arrangements (something I had never done before and I give my daughter a lot of credit for having faith in me). I ordered specific flowers that I wanted to use, then made two large arrangements for next to the kallah’s chair, a bridal bouquet and centerpieces for thirty tables. It was beautiful, it was very affordable, and I really enjoyed doing it!

Here’s the main arrangements below – you can see all the flowers to the side waiting to be turned into something! (I wrapped the top of each large white vase with a large bow of gauzy white material; this was still in process when the picture was taken.)Tehila's wedding flowers

I thought it would be fun to do a little flower arranging for Shavuos!

Although we love the look of large bouquets, they end up being so large when placed on the table that they block people from seeing one another. So I decided to make several table arrangements using the flowers that I bought.

This is what I started with – a bunch of white lysianthus and a mixed bouquet of lysianthus (each was 20 shekels):

shavuos flowers

I bought a couple of blocks of floral foam, called an oasis, and turned to my garden for additional clippingst.

So far I’ve only used one of the bouquets; I bought two because I didn’t want to be short of flowers but I really could have sufficed with just one. I haven’t decided what to do with the bouquet of white lysianthus; at this point I’m leaning toward mixing it with dusty miller (I have a lovely huge plant of it in my yard) in one big arrangement, using the large white flower urn that I used for the wedding arrangements.

Here’s what I made using the bouquet of mixed lysianthus:

shavuos flowers 2

I decided to mix the fresh flowers with some succulents as well as a few leaves and flowers from our passionfruit vine.  Total cost: 30 shekels for all three (the foam block was ten shekels, then I cut it into thirds).

I chose to put the cooking and baking to the side to spend some time doing this first, because it was something relaxing and enjoyable for me. I tend to push off the ‘fun’ things for last – honestly, flower arrangements are a total extra and who except me would care if I just stuck the original two bouquets in vases?

But when I push off the ‘want tos’ in favor of the ‘have tos’ I end up not doing the things that make me feel happy and cared for.

Whose job is it to make me happy? Mine!

So it’s important that I make time to do things that I enjoy, not just the things that everyone expects me to do. I consider taking the time to make these floral arrangements a form of self-care for me.

Avivah

When my son gave up his seat and was ignored instead of thanked

personal development

Yesterday I took some of my boys to the local homeschooling park meet. I don’t usually go because it is so exhausting for me to get a very tired five year old home on the bus afterward. And the tiredness isn’t just in my head – I went to bed before 9 and didn’t wake up until 6 am!

Anyway, when we got on the bus on the way home, my twelve year sat with the five year old in the back, and my nine year old sat next to me in the seat close to where there’s a space for strollers. I appreciated this one on one time with him, as he leaned against me and shared with me the storyline in the book he had just started reading. It was a really nice time of connection with him.

After a while, a woman with a stroller got on, and though we both would have enjoyed continuing to sit together, I told my son it would be a nice thing to get up and offer his seat to her. Though this wasn’t expected, it’s important to me that my children learn to be considerate and aware of others.

He willingly got up and before he had even moved away, the woman was already sliding into his spot, oblivious to his presence.

Have you ever regretted doing something nice for someone because of their unpleasant response? That was my feeling at that moment, and my first thought was to be critical of how self-centered and entitled she seemed.

I have no idea why she was so abrupt and dismissive in her body language. Maybe she was distracted, maybe she was thinking about something else, maybe she expected to have the seat and didn’t feel thanks were in order. I don’t know about what she was or wasn’t thinking.

But I know when I feel any negativity toward someone else, I benefit when I first check in with myself. Have I been responsible for my part of this interaction? And the answer in this case was, no. I recognized that my choice was to stew in silence or I could respectfully communicate, and if I were to say nothing, I would be making the choice to be resentful.

So I smiled at her and said, “You know, my son was happy to give you his seat, and though it’s not necessary, I’m sure he’d appreciate if you acknowledged him.”

She looked startled, as if just that second she realized that she was sitting in a seat vacated for her, said, ‘Oh, of course!’ and then got out her cell phone and made a call.

About five minutes later she finished her phone conversation, looked around and asked, “Where is that cute kid?” I pointed out my son, and she thanked him for giving her his seat. That was a nice bonus. He wasn’t expecting it and I wasn’t expecting it.

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For most of my life, when people would do things that would bother me I would feel my only role was to feel insulted, offended, wounded, or to ignore them. It wasn’t my problem, right? After all, I wasn’t the person being rude or obnoxious or irritable.

But now I’ve realized that I need to be honest with myself and with others, and if I haven’t done that, then I have no right to be annoyed by them. It’s unfair of me to be resentful with someone else for what goes on in my own head.

It’s nice that this woman ended up thanking my son, but it didn’t look like that was what was going to happen.  How would I have felt if she hadn’t thanked him? Once I had respectfully stated my truth, I was okay with whatever she did or didn’t do.

It’s a small choice in the moment but it’s amazing how taking that small action and speaking up made a huge difference in my feeling about her and myself!

Avivah

Having two brides in the family at the same time

parenting, personal development

It’s been busy with our two upcoming weddings to prepare for and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to share more here, especially with so much going on!

As we’re just hours away from the last Shabbos spent together before our oldest daughter’s wedding, I thought I’d share about a comment/question that I’ve been constantly hearing:

What is it like to have two daughters engaged and getting married around the same time?

The short answer? Amazing. Wonderful. Unbelievable blessing coming through the spiritual and emotional pipelines.

But I realized that with this question being raised so often, maybe that’s not really saying enough.

My daughters have also gotten comments about how hard it must be. One of them shared with me a question she was asked: “Isn’t it hard being engaged at the same time as your sister? Don’t you compare who has more and who gets more, whose chassan (fiance’) is better, etc?”

When my daughter shared this with me, I was taken aback. I thought this revealed a lot about the questioner, but after sharing this comment with many others who agree it’s a legitimate concern, apparently what was unusual was my surprise about the sentiment expressed rather than the concern raised.

Here’s our experience.

Each of my daughters is marrying a wonderful guy, each who is perfect for her. Each young man is very different, with different strengths and abilities. What in the world is there to compare? Who is happier? Who got a bigger diamond? Whose fiance is more thoughtful?

That would be ridiculous. Comparison is the last thing any of us are thinking about, especially our daughters. I think it’s amazing it is that our daughters can share this special stage of life with each other as they go through similar experiences, and they’ve said the same thing. For our family, it’s only heightened our happiness for them to be engaged at the same time. They’ve always been good friends and now this is brings an added dimension to their relationship.

Dd23 at her engagement party with dd21

A friend told me yesterday, “Only you could have that attitude.”

What in the world????? Did I get pushed up onto a pedestal because I recognize and welcome the abundance of having so much positive energy in our home at one time???

I can’t deny that there’s a lot of time and energy that is necessary. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and doing it times two so close together is a LOT of work. That’s no contradiction to it being a wonderful experience! In fact, most of the things in life that bring us the most happiness are the things we’ve invested the most in.

For us, the experience of having two daughters getting engaged two weeks apart, and soon to be married twelve days apart, has been about seeing how perfect Divine timing is.

We humans can find a way to ruin anything good – no matter how good! – by finding something to complain about! I was very conscious from the beginning of the first engagement that my focus would be on my gratitude. It was important to me to be conscious of that since I knew it could very easy to get into overwhelm or complaining about how much there was to do, if that’s the direction I chose to go in.

Yes, it’s a choice.

The thoughts we think are a choice. What we focus on is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Gratitude is a choice. It’s not all about what is sent to us in this world, but the attitude we choose to take when various life circumstances come our way.

Fortunately for us, in this case enjoying this period and enjoying our two brides has been an easy choice for us all!

Avivah

Why perfectionism will make you believe you’re never a good enough mother

parenting, personal development

Recently I spoke with a young mother who wanted to address some concerns she was having with her young children. As I listened to her detail all the issues she was having, I thought about how demanding her expectations were.

When she paused, I told her, “It seems to me that you hold yourself to a very high standard that will make it impossible to ever feel good about your parenting.”  She admitted that she’s a perfectionist.

Sometimes it’s not your children and their behavior that is the issue; it’s your unrealistic expectations of yourself.  Those high expectations can masquerade as something positive – for example, in the case of this mother, it sounded like wanting to be the very best mother possible. That sounds admirable, doesn’t it?

Right. It sounds good, but if there’s so much tension and inner pressure about it, clearly it’s not healthy.  Saying she wanted to be a good mother was just prettying up a huge sledgehammer in her mind that she was constantly using to beat herself up since she never lived up to her perfect ideal.

While some people think perfectionism is a positive quality, I couldn’t disagree more. Perfectionism is deeply damaging and it guarantees that a person will never feel enough, no matter how hard they try.

perfectionism scale

Not only does perfectionism affect you negatively, it harms your children as well, because they need to look perfect in order for you prove to yourself and the world that you’re a good enough parent. They’ll never feel good enough, either – not for you and not for them. And then they’ll internalize that perpetual inadequacy within themselves.

Parents, step back and reevaluate your expectations of yourself and your children, to have a realistic idea of what to strive for. You will probably benefit from checking in with someone from the outside who has an objective perspective.  This isn’t about lowering the bar and saying that anything goes. Not at all. It’s being nurturing and compassionate of yourself and your children to let go of unrealistic ideas that only bring feelings of pain and inadequacy to you all.

We all need to have space to just be, to move at a pace that is appropriate for us. That’s a critical component that allows the natural developmental process to unfold. We can’t move forward in a healthy way when the inner voice is a driving taskmaster, saying, “More, more, better, better, don’t stop because if you do you’ll never be good enough!”

Can you let what you've already done be enough? Or do you have to do' just one more thing' to feel you've done enough?
Can you let what you’ve already done be enough?

I’ve said it before but it bears repeating – again and again and again.

You are enough as you are right now. Really.

And when you can let yourself feel that, ironically you’ll then free up some emotional energy that can applied to being more of who you want to be – from a place of self-love, not self-shaming.

Avivah

 

 

Really busy but not stressed – well, mostly not!

parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

We have just under a month before Tehila’s wedding and then twelve days later Michal will be getting married!

A number of their friends have commented that I must be stressed out planning for two weddings so close together. No, I’m not. 🙂

Having said that, I’ve been conscious about creating space inside myself to keep centered. That means recognizing what is necessary and what isn’t. So even though I technically have time to write here, there’s been a longer lag than usual since I’ve been choosing to leave myself some time that isn’t filled with activity in the evenings.

It’s not just planning for the two weddings but also the time of year that it falls out that adds to the intensity of what needs to be done. Of course there’s the week of sheva brachos celebrations nightly following each wedding – I didn’t know until my son got married that it’s the sheva brachos that really wipe you out!

The second wedding will be the night before Purim; we’ll celebrate Purim, and the next day we’ll go right into the Shabbos sheva brachos we’re hosting. When people hear the specifics of the dates they look at me and ask with great intensity, “But HOW are you going to do that???”

I tell myself (and them) I’ll just keep it simple and it will all get done. That works to keep me from getting stressed about it all.

A couple of days ago, someone said to me, “All the work you’ve done on yourself for years is going to come into play right now.” She’s a life coach – can you tell? 🙂 She’s right, though. Years ago I could have done everything that needed to be done, but not without stressing myself and everyone around me.  I wouldn’t even have had the goal that I have now, let alone the internal tools to meet that goal – to enjoy this very special season of life and to be emotionally present and relaxed.

So much to do!
So much to do!

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Here’s an update on some of the non-wedding stuff I’m busy with this week:

Right now we’re working on making different school arrangements for ds15. The new program he was in hasn’t actualized in the manner it was originally described. Good people and good intentions, but different than what we signed him up for and not a match for him.

I’m starting the process of registering Rafael for a specific day care for the coming year – this day care has a special inclusion program and there’s a lot of demand for the very limited spots. I met director yesterday, got the registration form, and toured the facility. In a couple of days the evaluations and letters of recommendation I requested last week from different professionals should be ready.

If you’re wondering why I’m putting Rafael in day care since I’m home with the other kids… there are things I need to do because he’s a foster child. I was initially told he needed to start day care this past September when he was nine months but I pushed for him to be able to stay home with me for another year. My goal is to find the best option for him; I have a good feeling about this particular program and think it will be a good match for us.

Speaking of educational plans for next year, I’m also beginning the application process for Yirmi to attend a gan safa (kindergarten with a language focus) in the coming September.  Though it seems incredibly early to be thinking about next year,  it’s not! This is exactly when all the applications start to go in for the next school year. This week I’ve been working on getting his paperwork together and hope to open a file for him with the municipality this week.  I’ve been told that I’ll need to advocate strongly to get him in to a gan safa since they prefer to place children with T21 in lower functioning frameworks rather than with ‘typical’ children with language delays. But there are enough parents who have already done this that it’s not blazing a new trail to get this accommodation.

It might seem ironic or confusing that I’ve just spent all this time and energy to procure an authorization to homeschool him for the current school year and here I go turning around to get him into the school system for next year! It’s actually because of the positive experience dealing with the bureaucracy that I feel ready to deal with this gan process. Prior to this, I was concerned that if Yirmi was in gan safa (which I think he would LOVE!), I would be refused an authorization to homeschool him the following year. Now I’ve decided to take the advocacy for him one year at a time and not worry about what will happen too far down the road.

Oh – and yes, Rafael is still waking up in the middle of the night! Not loving that very much. 2 am looks much better to me when my head is undisturbed on my pillow. 🙂 Actually, 7 am looks much better to me when my head has been undisturbed from my pillow at 2 am. 🙂 So goes life!

Avivah

 

The joy of watching dreams manifest in my life

aliyah, parenting, personal development

Two nights ago we had the official engagement party for Tehila and Meir. The only thing missing was that we didn’t get a family picture with our new couple. 🙁  It wasn’t for lack of wanting one! Fortunately, the wedding is in just seven weeks so we’ll make up for that soon. 🙂

I’m happy to have a picture of our lovely new couple, though!

Tehila and Meir at their engagement party

We are so deeply grateful and happy to welcome Meir to our family. It’s a very special thing to watch your child find the person she wants to spend her life with, and we all like him almost as much as she does!

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Several months ago, I was contacted by a writer for Mishpacha magazine. They were planning a new column that would come out monthly over the course of a year, interviews with women who had fulfilled a dream. She wanted to know if I would be willing to be interviewed.

At that time, I shared with her about my most recent vision that had come true, of Rafael joining our family.  They held off on printing my interview since they said I was too well- known and didn’t want me to be featured in the beginning of the series.

My interview for the Dreamscapes column came out last week in Mishpacha’s Family First, right in the middle of this very special season of celebration for our family.  And as this issue came to print, I’ve been thinking a lot about the manifestation of a different vision that has been very close to my heart for years that is unfolding right now.

In February 2011, I spoke to my husband about the possibility of making aliya that summer, with nine children ranging in age from 2 – 18. To say he was lukewarm to the idea would be putting it mildly! One of the things I told him then was the following:

“In another five years, our kids will be dating and getting married. We already know that the older two girls want to live in Israel when they’re married. It’s not likely that Baltimore will be very compelling for any of them.

We’ve invested so much in our family and that connection is very important to us, but over time our kids will end up living in completely different parts of the US and even the world.  The older our family gets, logistically it’s going to be very hard to continue to physically be there for one another.  But if we move to Israel now while all the kids can make the move with us, hopefully by the time they’re ready to get married, they’ll want to stay in Israel. And hopefully being in the same small country, we’ll be more able to be physically present for one another even after they’re married.”

It’s a huge credit to my husband that he agreed to make the move, despite his hesitations. We shared the vision of continued physical proximity and connection as our family expanded, and it continued to be an important factor in our decision making process when we moved from Karmiel in the periphery of Israel to much more centrally located RBS less than three years ago.

I don’t take it for granted for a second that we’re been able to be present for these moments in the lives of our adult children. And I don’t take it for granted that each of our three couples is starting their lives here in Israel. What I feel is a very deep sense of humility and gratitude for Hashem’s kindness to us.

Avivah