Last week my phone service went out. This happens every six months or so, so we called the phone company and they told us a couple of days later the repair man would be there.
Two days later he came and fixed the problem (humidity inside the wall affecting the phone wires). The next time I used the phone I noticed there was still a lot of static on the line but for all of Friday and then Saturday night the phone was working.
Sunday morning I woke up and there was once again no phone line. This time the internet was also down. I can live without a phone but take away my internet and now there’s a problem! We called the repair man who said he would be there at the end of that day. He wasn’t. The next day we called the phone company and they said it would be another two days before they could send someone. So we waited.
This period reminded me of the time my computer was broken for a couple of months and I would travel every 2 – 3 days to the public library in the US to post on my blog. I was very focused on how I used my available online time since you get 30 – 45 minutes at the libraries I was at, so there wasn’t time to browse, look at interesting links, read about things that weren’t immediately relevant or important. Since I couldn’t do the things online I would have wanted to do, I was able to relax and fully focus on the real life things in front of me instead. Life felt simpler and more peaceful.
That’s how it was during our few days of no phone or internet service. There was no pull to do online stuff since I knew I couldn’t. I was more present for my kids and husband, I was more present for myself, my house was cleaner, I was more mentally focused and went to sleep earlier.
During this time I started thinking about nice it would be if I didn’t need the internet. Our entire generation is involved in a huge social engineering project that I feel bodes poorly for all of humanity – we’re all so plugged in. The internet is endless and there’s always more and more to pull you in.
The internet feels real. So we ignore the people around us on line in the stores, sitting next to us in waiting rooms or buses, or even at our own dinner tables while we endlessly seek more stimulation and connection online.
I don’t have a smartphone. I try very hard not to be plugged in throughout the day on my home laptop. I’ve made clear boundaries for myself regarding the sites I visit since I can get lost in time and have nothing to show for my time afterward. But it’s not enough. As much as I didn’t want to see it (because you recognize something isn’t serving you, you have to be willing to make a change), when I was offline for a few days it was patently clear to me that my time online is excessive and it’s lowering my quality of life.
As obvious as it was to me that I was benefiting by not having access, within ten minutes of my internet connection being restored and I suddenly felt a pull to go check my messages. Even though I knew I didn’t need to and even though I didn’t do it, that inner push and pull was back.
I’m thinking about how I can live without internet. Okay, that sounds ridiculous because of course you can live without it! For me it doesn’t feel easy at all. It’s a real dilemma because I do need it but I’m thinking seriously about the feasibility of getting rid of my home internet connection. In order to take concrete actions to move toward being less tied to my online connections, I unsubscribed to listserves that send me daily digests that are no longer relevant to my life, changed my settings to web-only to all other listsevers, deleted myself from a number of Facebook groups and changed the settings for all other groups so I won’t be notified of any activity unless I go onto Facebook. I’ve unsubscribed from every kind of advertisement that comes into my inbox. I got the unread messages in my inbox down from over 200 to under 20!
In the process of going through all of these inbox messages, it was striking to me how few of them actually mattered significantly to me; most were of casual interest. And that horrible thing is that the emails that mattered most tend to not get responded to in a timely way since I’m so busy trying to manage all the incoming messages and then they get buried. I responded to a number of people who had sent personal messages. Several people wanted to know about meeting or speaking with me about different topics and this kind of thing is honestly challenging for me – my phone time is very limited and I reserve it for consultations and close friends. Now with the time I’m freeing by cutting down online I was able to accommodate for these requests.
While my internet was down, I visited a friend who recently had a baby – I was able to do this without any guilt about leaving my family midday because I had been fully present for the kids and knew they felt satiated by my presence. (In contrast to when your mind is wandering and your kids sense that you aren’t really with them even when you’re physically with them.) Someone who I’m not close to called and I was able to provide a listening ear without feeling conflicted about everything I needed to do. I had time to share memories of a friend who passed away with another friend, respond to a friend’s annual New Year’s letter. I called a long time acquaintance to congratulate her on the wedding she just made (often I think of doing something like this and then push it off an embarrassingly long time and then say to myself there’s no longer any point in calling) and spent another hour catching up. I was spending my time and emotional energy on real life connections that filled me up rather than left me feeling depleted.
I was able to for a short time not think about but actually be a person who does acts of kindness for others without reservation. Often I feel like I’d like to but I’m maxxed out and I just can’t do more than I am. And it’s true, if I continue to use my time the way I’ve been using it I won’t be able to be more than I am right now.
“The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you don’t.”
So where does all of this clarity leave me? Frustrated. Frustrated because I know that getting rid of internet in my house will dramatically improve the quality of my life in every area. Frustrated because the internet is addictive and if I keep it I’m always going to be spending too much head space managing it. Frustrated because I do need it to some degree and I don’t have local places (that I’m aware of) that are the equivalent of the US libraries, where I could log in and do what I need to do in a minimal way.
How do you manage the internet in your life?
Avivah
