Earlier this year, my ds11 (who was then 10) and his best friend initiated their own learning time together each morning after davening (morning prayer services).  They did this entirely on their own initiative, and decided to learn Seder Makkos (tractate of mishna), using the Artscroll English translation to help them understand the Hebrew wording.

This morning we made a private kiddush together with the family of his friend (our two families were over 20 people!) in honor of them completing the entire seder Makkos.   What was so nice wasn’t just that they did the learning, but that they wanted to do it.  Over the past months my ds hardly mentioned anything to me about it except in passing, but they kept it up, morning after morning.  His friend’s mother said she felt the push to do it was from my ds (because  every morning at 7:30 am his name showed up on her caller id to be sure his friend was awake on time :lol:), but my ds said it wasn’t true, that they encouraged one another equally.  It’s heartwarming to see our boys voluntarily wanting to spend their time increasing their Torah knowledge, not to get pats on the back from the adults around them, but for their own sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

You know, kids want to do the right thing.  They want to be knowledgeable, and grow in their competence.  They want to develop their character and become better people.  We adults tend to think we have to push things down their throats, that we have to make them be responsible and do what we want.  And it’s true that sometimes left to their own devices they’ll make different choices than what we’d choose (though different doesn’t mean bad).  But overall my parenting experience has been that kids do more, and do it better, when they’re listening to their own inner conscience.  When kids develop their own sense of internal motivation, it’s powerful, so much more than something imposed on the outside can be!

By the way, this morning ds16 mentioned to me that he and ds11 are almost finished with a different tractate of mishna(they learn together immediately after morning davening, and then ds11 learns with his friend while ds16 learns with his adult chavrusa/learning partner, then come home late in the morning for breakfast).  So it looks like the two of them will be making a siyum very soon – BH no shortage of occasions for festive meals around here!

Avivah

Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or shake my head at questions/comments like below.  They aren’t uncommon, so I’m going to answer it here.

>>The only concern I have is the culture shock she will experience from being homeschooled and around you every day, to going away for (a year? how long will it be) a long, long time away from her family, and having this as her first real social experience. Wont it be a huge transition and a huge jump? Instead of local school, which you eschew for personal reasons, she’s jumping all the way to going to another country, away from her family? I’m confused, there’s a dichotomy here.<<

I’m not sure what you mean by dichotomy in this context, but what I think you’re politely saying is that I’m not consistent, correct?  This sentiment reminds me of people who feel I’m hypocritical because I don’t send my kids to school but I allow them to go to summer camp.  Because 12 – 15 years spent daily at school regardless of the child’s interest, and short term experiences at camp when the child chooses to be there, are obviously exactly the same thing.  🙄

The trust people have in schools to build healthy social skills in children is beautiful.  And so well-earned, too, since schools do a magnificent job in developing children with self-acceptance, confidence, and emotional maturity.  That’s why all kids who go to school are so well-balanced and socially adept – it’s because the framework has been thoughtfully created with the deep and sensitive needs of a child in mind, and much study has been done about the most effective way to help each one blossom in his own individual way.  Institutions are known to be deeply concerned about the individual and accomodate them even when it’s inconvenient.

Unfortunately, being the overprotective and shortsighted mother that I am, I keep my child out of school and thereby from any and all social opportunities that would allow her to develop independence and maturity of any sort, preventing her from being able to appropriately function in society.  If only she had the support of the school system instead of actively involved parents, how much better prepared for life she would be.  😆

In all seriousness, the unquestioned assumption that I’m seeing here is that school is where kids develop good social skills.  What support do you have for that position?  I strongly disagree with school as a positive breeding ground for good social skills, and believe that when kids develop good social skills, it’s in spite of being with their equally immature and inexperienced peers all day, not because of it.  Healthy social skills are developed much more effectively by the constant role modeling of adults.  Interesting that gang behavior, teen pregnancies, bullying, etc – are all found in significant numbers in schools – but very few take this path who have close ties with a parent.  Are the schools really getting better results than involved parents?

The next assumption is that schools prepare children for life because they are offered more opportunities to have new experiences.  This is almost breathtaking in its inaccuracy.  The kids in school have an incredibly limited life – dd has sometimes commented that when her schooled friends get together, there’s only one topic of conversation – school, which means talking about the students and teachers.  That’s it. They literally don’t have enough other experiences to draw on to keep the conversation going more than ten minutes or so before it comes back to school.

On the other side is the homeschooled child, who is much less limited in the experiences they can have.  Their learning can be more creative, they can have more trips and outings to interesting places, they can interact with those outside of their immediate peer group.  When dd gets together with friends, she always has plenty to talk about – her first year in camp (I think she was ten), it was a bit unsettling to her when girls would suddenly stop talking to their friends to listen in on her conversations because what she had to say was so much more interesting than the conversations they were having.  I realize this is hard for those who went through the school system to conceptualize, since our lives revolved around school – so it’s very hard to picture anything but a lonely child sitting at a dining room table when thinking of a homeschooled child’s social opportunities.  The inability of adults to picture the possibilities outside of school is a reflection of how stunted our imagination in this area is.

I believe that homeschooled children tend to be much more prepared to effectively interact with others in the real world, because they’ve had so many more chances throughout the years.  The opportunities will be different for different people, but there is always much more than the home itself to draw on if that’s what the family desires.  Outside of school, children learn to value others based on who they are, not how exactly they fit the ‘ideal peer profile’ (ie who’s cool).  They can become friendly with those of all ages – on Weds. when I wrote this, dd13 spent an hour shopping with a 20 year old for a family who needed the help, then babysat for several hours for a 9 year old who was home sick from school, and still had plenty of time to interact with her siblings when she returned.  Our recent Shabbos guest was someone dd introduced herself to in shul and invited over – she is in her mid thirties- and dd was able to have relaxed and friendly conversations with her week after week without either of them ever discussing age.  How many hours in school are spent having meaningful conversations or really getting to know someone?  How many 13 year olds are comfortable socially with a 35 year old – or a 9 year old?  Or their siblings and parents?  Do you think that someone who has more breadth of experience socially will be more prepared for new social situations?  I do.

By the way, I don’t ‘eschew’ schools.  I choose to focus on the positives homeschooling has offered our children rather than to make negative judgments about the educational alternatives.

Avivah

Last night this question was sent to a homeschooling list that I’m on, and since I was told my response was helpful am sharing it here.

>>I was hoping to find out some more information about how some of the veteran homeschooling parents have done things in the past, and if there is an umbrella program? My mother homeschooled my siter for a year using the Calvert School system. Is this a good route to take or is there something better? Just looking for some pointers and maybe some Dos and Don’ts. Also, are there any good resources / curriculums that are available for 1st grade and on?<<
There are loads of great curriculums out there – the question is which one is a good fit for you and your child. Something can work great for one family and be a disaster for another. Calvert is highly structured and school-like; if that’s the kind of thing you’re looking for, it might be a good fit for you. Programs like this tend to have a high burnout rate.

However, I’d encourage you to consider why you want to homeschool and what you want to achieve. It’s easy to fall into the automatic mode of doing things at home in a school-like manner, which tends to not work with the goals most parents have in homeschooling.

Do and don’ts:

Don’t: spend a lot of money on curriculum when you’re starting out – you’ll probably end up regretting most of them.
Don’t: use whatever program someone else you know is doing without taking time to evaluate it on its own merit.
Don’t: kill the joy of learning by pushing too hard, too soon.
Don’t: take yourself or homeschooling too seriously.

Do: take lots of time to read and reflect on what your goals are
Do: remember the joy is in the journey, and if you and your child are enjoying yourselves, you’re on the right track.
Do: realize that it doesn’t matter what everyone else does and what works for them – it only matters what is right for you and your child/ren.
Do: follow your child’s lead; support them in their interests.
Do: attend the fabulous homeschooling conference in June that will be a way to get all of these questions and lots more answered in person by veteran homeschool parents.

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When I shared this it was off the top of my head, literally written in five minutes.  So it’s far from a comprehensive list.  Please share other do’s and don’ts that you’ve found valuable in your homeschooling journey!

Avivah

I received the following two questions within a few days of each other – since they deal with very similar concerns, I’ll respond to them both here.  (I apologize that I wasn’t able to answer these before Pesach, as I intended.)

a) >>I’m writing to ask what the general Orthodox Jewish opinion is on homeschooling. You see, since starting to read your blog, and meeting a homeschooling family in person last year, I’m really interested in the possibility of homeschooling my future children. However, I’m in the process of converting to Judaism, and most people with whom I’ve talked about it tell me that at the time of conversion I’ll have to commit to sending my children to day school and homeschooling will thus not be an option. I was wondering if you knew anything about converts and homeschooling or if you had any any advice or reading material or knew anyone I could talk to about this.<<

b)  I am curious about home schooling as a frum (my translation:Orthodox) family. We are frum and I am actually in the process of conversion. We used to homeschool before we started the conversion process and we miss it terribly. My daughter is doing well academically but she just wasn’t designed for “school.” I guess I am wondering how you deal with the people who think that you MUST send your children to a religious day school. Also are you part of a frum community, are there others that homeschool as well?<<

The Jewish Orthodox community has more to gain potentially than any other community in this country by embracing home education, in my opinion.  I believe that the single biggest stressor on the community is paying tuition for children to attend religious schools, schools which are viewed as an absolute necessity to raising children with Torah values.  However, despite the potential gains in many, many ways, there generally is a negative view of homeschooling in the Orthodox community.  This isn’t reflective of the results homeschooling families have had – the mindset comes from ignorance for the most part – but it does reflect how important the schools are in our communities.

Someone who is converting to Judaism will be asked to commit to living a Torah life and educating their children according to Torah guidelines.  When potential converts are asked to commit to sending their children to yeshivas, I believe it’s important to understand the intent and spirit of the request.  They can ask about other ways that they can honor that intent, such as by home educating.  The rabbis involved in conversion recognize the huge changes the convert is willing to make in his life, and also recognize that a parent who hasn’t grown up with certain knowledge will have a hard time conveying that to a child without outside support, regardless of his level of commitment or desire.  Sending a child to a yeshiva is widely considered the way all children in our community can best be educated in the Torah way.

Now, I obviously don’t agree that it’s the only or best way, and I also believe that educating one’s child/ren at home is fully in accord with a Torah world view.  There are rabbis spoke at last year’s Torah Home Education Conference, and others who will speak at this year’s conference.  I’d strongly encourage you to attend if it’s at all feasible – all of the speakers are Orthodox and you’ll be able to hear rabbis strongly promoting home education.  You can also approach those speaking or in attendance and get feedback about your personal situation.  It will be hugely encouraging to you to meet families who have made this choice and hear how they deal with the concerns of making a non-mainstream choice that tends to be frowned upon.

It is very, very important to have a solid relationship with a rabbinical advisor, someone who knows you well.  This is because if your rabbi understands who you are, what your motivations are, your level of commitment to a Torah life, and knows you are sincere in all of this, he is more likely to be open to dialogue with you about home education.   The rabbis simply want to ensure that your children will be learning what they need in order to feel like members of the community and later give that over to their own children.

I know personally an instance in which a family had been homeschooling their  children for a number of years and one parent wanted to convert (the other was Jewish and had become more observant).  They were philosophically committed to homeschooling and didn’t want to send their children to school as a proof of their commitment to live a Torah life.  This was somewhat a deterrent to the conversion, but the rabbis took lots of time to ascertain the intentions and sincerity of the parents and eventually agreed.  They had the support of their rabbi, which was critical. (To the person who asked question A – email me at avivahwerner AT yahoo DOT com and I can send you the name and number of the rabbi who guided them.)

As far as my personal experience: yes, I do live in a large religious community.  There are other home educating families here, which is part of why I chose this community when we moved here eight years ago.  However, we are very much in the minority and homeschooling still is widely misunderstood.

How do I deal with people who believe you have to send your children to school?  Pretty easily :lol:.  It’s helpful to learn to be an advocate for yourself and that means being able to effectively communicate your position – or choose not to engage in conversation when it will be unproductive.  Though I generally get a lot of positive feedback regarding our choice to educate our children at home, not all homeschoolers share my experience.  It depends a lot on your confidence, and honestly, how you and your kids present.

Just tonight someone called me who I haven’t spoken to for a couple of years.  She told me she recently saw my oldest son (age 16) and he made such a good impression – she “can’t believe a homeschooler looks like that”, and went on to detail some positives about him.  🙄  Yes, this kind of comment reveals the perspective towards home education of the person speaking.  This particular woman is a teacher in a local high school and as she was speaking recognized how close-minded she sounded, and told me that people like her are very skeptical about homeschooling.  But when people see home educated kids who are friendly, well-behaved, and well-educated, it starts to change their perspective.  (This particular person even said she wants to get parenting lessons from me, lol!)

So to sum up, if you really feel that home education is a path you’d like to explore for your family now or in the future, I don’t think that conversion necessitates giving that up.  It will be challenging – very challenging – to pursue homeschooling in the context of conversion, but it’s possible.

Avivah

>>i have always been a a poor student myself and am scared therefore to homeschool. would you say that being “smart” is a requisite to homeschooling?<<

Does being a poor student mean that you’re not smart?  Absolutely not – I reject that!  Similarly, I reject the idea that the kind of intelligence needed to do well in school is more valuable than other kinds of intelligence.  There are many kinds of intelligence and every single person is uniquely gifted in some way. Many people did fantastically well in school but weren’t successful in life, career, relationships….  School based success is very limited.

Having said that, I understand that the question is being asked because of the insecurity that as a poor student, you might not be able to meet your child’s academic needs.  Parents who haven’t completed their high school education (sometimes only up to 8th grade education) have successfully homeschooled their children past the point that their education was completed.  If they needed to know what their children needed to learn, there’s no way they could have been successful.   I can say with confidence that you can go beyond your school experience and support your child/ren effectively and watch them thrive while homeschooling.

How so?  There are a number of options.  First of all, there are other resources out there except for you – you don’t have to know everything!  There are books, dvd programs, classes, mentors, and paid resource people.  I love the library; it’s free and has a huge variety of materials for you and your children to access. Many who did do well in high school still don’t remember the information well enough to effectively teach it to their children.  I have two children homeschooling high school now, and their interests and my strengths don’t always line up. But they aren’t limited by me and my knowledge base – I’ve encouraged them to develop  independent learning skills, and they’ve been able to explore their interests and gain skills beyond me.  (They already know not to bother asking me for help with math at this point! :))

Second of all, a fun aspect of homeschooling is that you can learn along with your children!  There’s so much to know out there and it’s ridiculous to think that anyone covered it all in four years as a teenager, no matter how high their report card grades were.  My kids are constantly sharing new things they learn with me, and as I learn new information, I share it with them.  It’s invigorating and exciting to expand your knowledge base, and being a parent doesn’t mean it’s too late to learn more.  It’s never too late!

What’s more important than your academic success in school is your willingness to tune into your child’s needs and find ways to support him.  It’s not really any different than what a parent who was ‘school smart’ needs to do.  Don’t be afraid, and don’t think you’re unusual – we all have areas we feel inadequate about.  You can homeschool and you can do a great job!

(This post is part of the Carnival of Homeschooling.)

Avivah

Today I finally got myself down to the community college to speak to an advisor regarding my kids.   I didn’t have a huge number of questions, but the questions I had were significant enough that it was keeping me from being able to firm up a plan.  You know, when your kids are at school, the need for parental involvement (and knowledge) can be less important since there are guidance counselors and teachers your children can turn to for college guidance.  That’s not to say that it doesn’t matter if parents are involved – of course it does! – but if your child is homeschooled and you don’t get involved, they’re really on their own. So I needed to get some clarity so I could better guide them.

Of course, since the winter semester begins really, really soon (as in tomorrow or the next day), the place was packed.  After I signed in to see an advisor, I went to wait in a room with at least thirty others.  Whew!  I used the time to read through all those handouts that I had picked up, which helped me focus my questions.   They will allow students in 8 – 10th grades in for up to two classes a semester, but they have to be labeled gifted and talented, and I’m not interested in trying to jump through the hoops to get dd labeled for that (besides the fact that I don’t really care for labels like gifted).  They allow early admittance for 11th and 12th graders, but they still would be limited to taking 2 classes a semester and as high school students, we wouldn’t be able to apply for any financial aid. At about $600 a class, paying the full costs out of pocket for two children would add up very quickly!

My initial thought was to enroll each of them for the winter semester for a couple of classes to ease them into college, but that’s not worth the effort involved at this time.   So after considering all of the options, I asked the advisor if they officially graduated at the end of this year, if they could be admitted as full time students in the fall.  She said that it was fine, that once a child has a high school diploma, they aren’t concerned about his/her age anymore.

This doesn’t make a huge difference to their homeschooling schedules, which will pretty much stay the same except that I’ll increase the science and history for them so that they have the full amount of required credits for high school graduation.  It does mean I need to get myself in gear to start organizing the paperwork – I don’t enjoy officially documenting all that we do!  But I’ll need to put all my notes together for their official transcripts.  I’m also thinking that they can both look into earning credit by examination between now and the fall if they are so inclined, and then when they enter, they’ll have some credits under their belts. That will help them maximize their time and energy.

Though this isn’t written in stone and things can (and probably will) change somewhat, it’s nice to have a direction to move in.  Now dd13 is asking me to help her get started on college preparatory work – yikes!

Avivah