All posts by Avivah

Our son is engaged!

Parenting

We are so happy and grateful to share that our son (ds22) is engaged!

We are once again humbled and delighted to see how Hashem has sent the perfect match for our child!

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Isn’t this a nice thing to share about on my 29th wedding anniversary?

When my son began shidduchim, I was reminded of how the shidduch process forces you to clarify your values. My role as the parent is to facilitate my child meeting the person who is right for him, and in order to do this, I spent a lot of time speaking with him (and previously each of my children in turn), clarifying what he was looking for, what qualities were important to him and what life direction he wanted to move in.

What kind of qualities did he appreciate in his friends, and why? Who does he feel comfortable with and why? What qualities does he think are important and why? This wasn’t one long conversation, but an ongoing conversation over a period of several months.

Going out with people who weren’t a match was an important part of the clarification process, as it helped him to hone in on what he was – and wasn’t – looking for. I reminded him several times during that time of the value of contrast (the difference between what you have and what you want) – it’s contrast that helps you define more clearly what you want, and helps you to move toward what you desire.

The description of the person he wanted to marry changed substantially right before meeting his fiancee. When I first heard about her almost three months ago, I thought her combination of qualities sounded right for him, but he hadn’t yet clarified that certain qualities that I thought were very important (that she had) were of primary importance to him.

He wasn’t the only one who had to get clarity before they could meet – I did, too, on a point that was a significant question for me. I’m sure her family went through the same process. I think that’s how it always is – for the parents and child, constantly getting increasing clarity of what you’re looking for and what you want to give priority to.

Every shidduch happens at the time that it’s meant to happen. I don’t believe there are delays, but rather, heavenly directed timing, when everyone is aligned and on the same page.

And here we are, blessed to be welcoming another wonderful, amazing person into our family!

Avivah

Intrinsic motivation and my thirteen year old son, the shochet!

Homeschooling, Parenting, Self-Growth

Quite some time ago, ds13 decided he wanted to learn shechita, and made arrangements independently to study the related halachos (Biblical guidelines and laws) with a local shochet (ritual slaughterer). Once learned, they have to be reviewed thoroughly every thirty days.

Over the past months, he has assisted in processing a number of animals – chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, and even cows. But he had yet to perform the shechita himself.

A month ago, he came home and told me someone was selling a turkey for just 150 shekels, and asked if I was interested in buying it? No, I absolutely did not want a turkey walking around our yard and told him so. “No, not to raise – for me to shecht!” The shochet he learned with him determined that he was ready to do the shechita (kosher slaughtering) himself.

The process went very smoothly – the shochet told me it’s rare for a first shechita to go so well, and that it’s been a pleasure to learn with ds13, due to his diligence and how seriously he’s taken his studies.

It was very gratifying for all of us to see the tangible results of his months of study! Ds13 plucked it, cleaned it and kashered it himself, and we saved it to enjoy together with dd24 and her husband when they were here for the weekend.

A couple of days ago someone came by and said there were a couple of ducks he was having shechted, and my thirteen year old could watch if he wanted.

I went over just as they finished up, and found out that my son hadn’t watched but actually performed the shechita on both of them! (Under the supervision of the shochet that he studied with, obviously.) He learned firsthand why ducks are considered one of the more difficult animals to shecht. One of the two was kosher, one wasn’t, and the person who the ducks belonged to insisted ds13 take half of the meat.

It was a mallard duck and small to begin with, so half of it wasn’t a huge meal, but nonetheless, this week we had roast duck on the menu. 🙂

My husband and I have great satisfaction in observing the emergent developmental process – in this case, watching ds13 develop and pursue an interest. No degree of external manipulation or incentivization can get the results that come from intrinsic motivation. (Our foster care social worker, who visits monthly, is very appreciative of ds13 and his activities, though she said she finds it discouraging to see the contrast with her own son, who is lacking any visible signs of emergence. I’ve spoken to her about supporting the natural developmental process, too!)

Some people have said it’s good he has a skill that could potentially be a career – that’s true and it’s always good to have options, but I wouldn’t want him to do this for a living. I value it greatly as a life skill, however.

For me, the biggest value is a person learning to listen to his own inner guidance and move towards that. This is way of thinking that could dramatically enhance the life satisfaction of every one of us, but far too many of us adults, under the guise of being responsible, have lost the ability to recognize and respond to the inner promptings of their souls. And what are we here for, if not to live lives of meaning and satisfaction?

Avivah

Creating personal space for young children – our DIY clubhouse

Intentional Spending, Parenting

A few months ago my next door neighbors built a clubhouse, and it was hardly completed before ds8 began regularly disappearing into their yard. Usually when he would go to their house, it would be to play with their children, but when I would search for him, each time I would find him sitting or laying inside their clubhouse, happy to be in this private space on his own or with ds4.

It was clear to me that he really wanted some space of his own. Don’t we all sometimes want that freedom of just being, without oversight or needing to be accountable for our time?

I had been thinking for a while of building a clubhouse for ds8 and ds4, but seeing this galvanized me to take action.

A business in the industrial zone of a neighboring city advertised that they were giving away large wood crates. They listed their address and asked not to be called, to just come. So one night when my husband was on his way home from Jerusalem with ds22, I asked them to stop before coming home and see if any of the crates were still left. There were three left, so they chose the one that looked best. Using the rachet straps stored in the car, together the two of them got in on top of the car and fastened down – it was an unwieldy load!

The packing crate, before – you can see the outdoor couch next to it for size reference.

Several times I had asked a couple of our teens to build some kind of clubhouse using some of the scrap wood left from their projects, but they weren’t very interested. I didn’t see any reason to insist on it, and it didn’t happen. But once I had this basic crate to work with, it was much easier to get them involved.

I asked ds13 to cut a door and window into it. The wood isn’t strong at all – it’s a basic cheap packing box that isn’t intended to hold up to long term use – so he reinforced both the door and window. After that, he put a waterproof roof on it, using material from a cage we were given but hadn’t ended up using.

Dd15 painted it blue, using leftover paint, and then ds12 painted the trim white – his idea, not mine. It made it look much nicer. Then one of the boys cut some artificial grass to fit on the floor, and voila, a clubhouse!

Ds8 and ds4 were delighted when they came outside and saw this mini house, all for them to play in. They’ve spent hours playing inside together; our granddaughters and visiting young children have also enjoyed it. And once we built this, they never went into the neighbor’s playhouse again.

(As an aside, this is not an uncommon dynamic when a child seems to be misbehaving – in this case leaving our home without permission and going into someone else’s yard without permission. If we can identify the need they are expressing and address that need, then the behavior will often fall away completely, since there’s no longer a need for the behavior.)

When I told a friend about this project, she sent me a paragraph from a Betsy-Tacy book, when the author of the fictional series writes about the young girls finding a piano box and making it into a play space. There’s something about having a space of one’s own that is significant for people of all ages. It might be going too far to call it a primal need, but it’s not too much to say that it’s deeply appreciated.

Ds12 has been asking for a space of his own for a while, and we haven’t yet figured out how to make that happen – he shares a room with ds4 and ds8. There’s a staircase on one side of our kitchen that leads to the second floor, and back in the fall when we were putting in the new kitchen, he asked me if he could put a narrow mattress in that space under the stairs and it would be his room. Yes, ala Harry Potter, but in this case he felt it would be very desirable. He wasn’t happy when I told him I planned to use that space for kitchen storage.

t’s a simple playhouse and due to the quality of the wood, I don’t know how it will hold up once the rainy season comes. But we literally spent no money and not more than a couple of hours putting this together, using recycled materials we had at home. As long as it lasts, I appreciate the enjoyment they’ve been having in this space of their own.

Avivah

Dehydrating mushrooms in the sun

dehydrating

Yesterday someone dropped by and brought along a couple of small baskets of mushrooms. He said they were being given away, and because the location they were given out was outdoors, they were going to spoil quickly.

I headed over and got lots of mushrooms in perfect condition, and decided to maximize the bounty by dehydrating them to use at a later time. However, a piece on my dehydrator burnt out a few months ago, so it’s now a bulky plastic box that isn’t of much use. I had been thinking of building a screen covered kind of box about the size of the dehydrator, that I could slide the dehydrator trays into and use outside. But that hasn’t happened so I had to improvise if I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity!

In any case, I live in a hot, dry climate, so doesn’t it seem like a waste to use a machine to mimic what nature is doing all day long for free?

I sliced up several of the baskets of mushrooms, then put them back in the baskets and set them out in the sun. Meanwhile, I thought about how to dry the rest of them. Maybe, I mused, I could thread the whole mushrooms with fine fishing line and string them up in the sun.

This morning I thought of an obvious solution. I set up a folding table in the sun, then put the cartons the baskets of mushrooms came in, upside down on top of the table. Then I put the mushrooms on top of the cartons (so there would be air flow underneath) in the original baskets they came in.

Dehydrating mushrooms

You can see the sliced mushrooms in the front are dehydrating very nicely (they had a head start over the whole mushrooms). I went out after a few hours to check on them, and realized if I put the cartons right side up and put all the whole mushrooms inside, they would dry even more quickly and it would eliminate the need to rotate them. This was a good option once they were dry to the touch.

I’m very optimistic about this! If this works well, it was quick and easy to set up and because it’s so hot, there’s not a single fly or insect anywhere near them! (I will cover them with a screen if I see any flies.) I’m hoping they’ll all being completely dried by the time the sun goes down tonight, and also hoping to experiment further with solar dehydration over the summer.

Edited to add: the sliced mushrooms were finished in a day; the whole mushrooms were almost finished in two days but I put them out for one more day to make sure there wasn’t any moisture that could lead to molding once I stored them. Here’s what it all looked like once it was done:

The sliced mushrooms are in the container on the front right; the other two containers are filled with whole dried mushrooms, which can be used whole or cut up when cooking. As you can see, they shrink down quite a bit and don’t take much space to store.

I did keep one case of mushrooms to use fresh for Shabbos! The last time I made marinated mushrooms they were a big hit.

Avivah

How a spontaneous offer can build the emotional bank account

Parenting

Yesterday morning I took ds15 for a quick shopping trip in Tiberias for some much needed pants – in his first time using a dryer himself at school, he shrunk all of his – before zipping him off to the bus station.

On the way home, I drove past the Kineret (Sea of Galilee), which is the typical route for when I’m doing errands in Tiberias, and thought what a beautiful day it would be for a trip there.

When I got home, I spontaneously asked ds13 and ds12 if they wanted to go swimming in the Kineret. (Remember the ‘littles’ on my blog, the three youngest children of nine, who were born within three years of each other? Both ds15 and ds13 have passed me in height – I’m 5’9″ – and the youngest of them turned 12 last week!) They were delighted at the offer – it’s the first time I’ve taken them this season – and we had a wonderful time together, along with ds4.

Here’s a valuable thing to understand that I want to share: when you offer something unsolicited to your child (or anyone else), regardless of what it is, it’s appreciated much more than when you give them the same thing after they’ve asked you for it.

If the boys had asked me to take them to the Kineret and I had agreed, they would have been appreciative and we all would have had a nice time. But because I initiated the offer, it became a significantly bigger deposit in my relationship with them.

When someone does an unsolicited act of kindness for you, you feel your needs are understood and considered by them, that they care about you. Think about this yourself. If I ask my kids to clean up the kitchen or take out the garbage and they do it, I appreciate it. But when they do it with no request from me, it’s so, so much more appreciated! It shows me they thought of me, they noticed my needs or preferences, and wanted to be of service to me.

This is true of the smallest things. If you offer your child something to eat when he comes in, it’s more meaningful than if he asks you what there is to eat, and then you give it to him. If you tell a small child you’re watching him go down the slide, rather than him having to ask you to look at him and then you watch, it’s a much more satisfying interaction for him.

This is a helpful thing to understand, because we’re so often giving to those around us, but they aren’t perceiving our actions as deposits. You’re not doing anything more than you would have done otherwise; the shift is in the timing and that is what transforms a regular action into something perceived as an act of love or nurturing.

Avivah

My new computer – the gift of contrast

Self-Growth

My regular readers have probably noticed that my posting has dropped off dramatically in the last year and particularly the last few months. For the year that ds8 was home, time and energy became a real challenge. Two months ago he began attending school – it’s been great for him and all the rest of us, too! but the increased time flexibility hasn’t translated into writing more here since I’ve had extended computer challenges.

My husband bought me a new computer when he visited the US over a year ago, and from the start, I wasn’t happy with it. There was a significant lag in response time, and then the power cord input receptor got looser and looser, until when the cord was plugged in it didn’t connect anymore.

Well. There I was with a computer that wasn’t working but that wasn’t worth fixing (so I was told). I thought to make do and use one of the other two computers that my kids use – but there’s a reason they use them. They are older computers that are fine for their needs (mainly looking up information and listening to audiobooks) but for my needs, they’re really not helpful.

To use the better one that had a nonfunctional keyboard meant hooking up my husband’s work keyboard and mouse during the hours my husband wasn’t working and the kids weren’t around – late at night and very early in the morning. Late at night I’m usually too tired to think, and though I’m up early, Rafael wakes up early and climbs into my bed before falling back asleep for a couple more hours, so typing away at the computer in the same room would wake him up.

I was getting increasingly frustrated at how difficult it was to get online with a laptop. When I could finally clear the time, I couldn’t find the kids’ computer, or I found the computer but it had no power and I couldn’t find the power cord. Or I could find the power cord but not the converter for the American plug that would allow me to plug it into the 220 Israeli system. When someone offered to bring something back for me from the US, I jumped at the opportunity to order a computer.

My husband researched a bunch of computers and finally told me he didn’t see one in the price range I set that had the features I wanted. But, after speaking to a computer guy he offered to get our two older computers overhauled, and order the necessary replacement part for my computer. I was hesitant about having my computer repaired because it was unsatisfactory from the beginning, but it didn’t make sense to buy something new when we had something that could be made usable for a much lower sum.

My exasperation was rising every time I tried to get online, and I would periodically express how limiting and disturbing it was for me to feel so constrained. But I had determined that my computer needs didn’t justify the expense of something new so this was only an expression of feeling continually stymied, not a suggestion to pursue a different solution.

My husband assured me the part was on its way, and while waiting for its arrival I tried using the overhauled computers. That had its own frustrations.

We waited and waited and waited for the part, and were relieved when it finally arrived. Until it became clear that it was the wrong part.

My husband told me he would order a different part. This is when I reached my limit for tolerating the situation and trying to work with what was. I had complete clarity that this situation wasn’t tolerable for me any more and I needed to have a well-functioning computer. Right away.

This is when the shift happened – it was only when it was I had clarity that I was unwilling to continue to try to make it work that that we could find the best solution.

As soon as I said that, my husband told me he could buy me an excellent computer locally and have it that day. It was double the sum I had mentally set previously, but after months of frustration, that amount now seemed perfectly reasonable! He dropped me off at a two day women’s retreat right after this conversation, and from there drove straight to the computer store.

When I got home the next night, I was greeted with my new computer, fully set up and ready to be used.

I can’t even express how nice it is to finally be able to do things that were so hard and daunting for such a long time (for those whose comments here weren’t responded to, now you know why).

The seemingly obvious solution to my challenging situation – buying a new computer locally – was available to me from the very first day that I had a computer issue. But since I wasn’t willing to consider buying a new computer at Israeli prices, all the frustrating situations continued to unfold.

So often something feels hard – and it is – but part of what makes it so hard is that we mentally limit what the solutions can be or where they can come from. And if we aren’t open to a solution, we’re not going to get that solution, even if that’s the easiest and best outcome!

What struck me in my situation was the benefit of contrast. Contrast is what we experience when there’s a discrepancy between what we want and what we have. Usually we perceive this as being bad.

The gift of contrast is it helps you clarify what you don’t want, and what you do want. I had tons of contrast for over a year with my computer issues that created ongoing frustration and feelings of limitation, and it was the increasing contrast that made it obvious that my previous attempts at solutions were completely inadequate for my needs.

This is something that we all do in every area of our lives – you can substitute ‘relationship/job/experience’ for ‘computer’ and you’ll see the same thing I described. Trying to make something work that doesn’t work, trying to convince yourself you don’t need more than what you have, that what you have is really enough, that you shouldn’t want more, that you don’t deserve more….it goes deep!

I’ve found it really helpful when I recognize and embrace contrast, to see it as a tool that can help me live my best life by clarifying what I want more or less of, and then taking action accordingly.

Avivah

A harrowing ride home

aliyah, miscellaneous, Self-Growth

It’s been an eventful few days!

On Monday I went to Beit Shemesh with ds13 and ds12 to take care of a bunch of errands. On our final errand, at about 6 pm, the missile warning siren went off. The boys looked at me and one asked, “Could it be a siren for Yom Yerushalayim?” As I heard the pitch begin to go up and down, I realized it was a real alert and we quickly made our way to the underground parking lot and got in our car.

Only a few others made a move to find a safe place – almost everyone around us continued with their shopping. Ds13 afterwards told me how surprising he found it that everyone kept acting normally; I explained that they probably had no idea what to do. What we do in situations like this is look around to assess how others are responding, and then act accordingly. And this is a challenge, when those around you don’t know how to respond.

As soon as we verified that the coast was clear, we zipped out to get home. The traffic was clear and I was relieved to be going north, to safety. We passed several tanks being transported, something we had never seen before, but otherwise everything looked normal.

The north is filled with Arab neighborhoods, and unlike other parts of the country, the main roads travel directly through these neighborhoods, all considered safe. I didn’t know that riots were breaking out in Arab neighborhoods across the country. Once I got an hour from home, traffic suddenly became extraordinarily heavy and I had no idea why. My boys noted the heavy police presence, the horses they told me were used for riots – when we drove around burnt, still smoking items in the road, I wondered if somehow a rocket had hit this area and was relieved to see the infrastructure looked undamaged. My bias was to see the areas I was in as safe and I was looking outside for the threat, and wasn’t putting the pieces together yet.

I was less than twenty minutes from home when I drove into a crowd of about 100 young Arab men blocking the four lanes of the main road (near Shibli), yelling and waving flags twenty minutes from home, sitting on cars in the middle of the street. For the first couple of minutes I was only puzzled- there was a huge truck blocking my view, a police cruiser two cars behind me, and I saw that ahead in the distance cars were slowly driving up the hill. The police had gotten out, said something to the crowd and then walked back to their cruiser to watch, so I assumed things were safe (that’s what I told my kids to reassure them). It was when the truck was allowed to pass that I could see what was just ahead of me – men running back and forth across the road, jumping on the car ahead of me, others beginning to push some large burning object into the road – that I made a quick decision to make a u-turn and get out of there. No other cars followed me. (I was told that rocks were thrown at the drivers soon after.)

It was at this point I realized that the first traffic jam had been due to a riot that had been cleared by the time we drove past. The benefit of hindsight.

I thought I would take the long way around, and followed the alternate route suggested by Waze. This route went directly through two Arab towns, and I again ran into heavy traffic. As we slowed to a stop (this time near Nazareth), we heard firecrackers going off up ahead, and ds13 said, “I don’t feel safe to drive forward.” I was thinking the same thing, and began to make another u-turn, and for the first time saw other drivers doing the same thing.

This was part of our exhausting drive to try to get home, as every possible route became blocked with traffic jams caused by rioting. I felt trapped, like everything around me was closing in on all sides. I was confused about where I was – I have a good sense of direction but I was in areas that were completely unfamiliar to me – and was afraid to follow another Waze route and drive into a riot that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I wanted to get off the smaller roads I had been diverted to and get onto a main highway, and after looking at the options, made the decision that we would stay on the route that I finally chose no matter what.

At this point I put on a relaxing meditation to listen to, and this was the best possible thing I could had done. It totally shifted our energies, and helped us feel safe and protected in an alarming situation. As we were in yet another traffic jam, fireworks began going off a short distance to our right (fireworks are shot off at celebrations and riots). This time, ds13 smiled and said, “Nice, we can enjoy the show while we wait!” He felt so much more relaxed that he began giving friendly waves to other drivers sitting in traffic with us. (If you’re wondering, ds12 had fallen asleep in the back seat; I needed ds13 to help navigate – even though we had Waze I wanted him to confirm that I was turning on the right place – I didn’t want to make a mistake that could take us into a dangerous situation – so he didn’t close his eyes until were were finally on a bigger highway.) We only talked about how everything was working out for us.

We got home at 11:30 pm, five and a half hours after leaving Beit Shemesh (usually a two hour drive). When I lay down, my entire body was buzzing with tension and exhaustion.

The next morning I didn’t see anything about rioting in the north being reported, and was uncomfortable sending Yirmi to school. (He began the week before Pesach and loves it!). I was debating until literally made the decision a minute before his bus arrived, and decided since they travel on main highways and anyway, no one would be rioting in the morning that it would be fine. I then took Rafael for his interview at the school, and he did great. I was able to see Yirmi in his classroom and meet his teachers, which was really nice. (Due to covid, we were limited when we visited the school back in November for his intake interview.) Yirmi only stays until 1 pm every day, due to the availability of the van that takes him home, and that day we took him home with us, which was really nice. He’s asked me a number of times to pick him up from school but it’s a one hour drive in each direction so it’s not something I’m usually able to do.

Meanwhile, ds15 was at his high school in Kiryat Ono and was woken at 3 am to a missile alert. They all filed to the protected area, and classes continued for the next day and a half as usual. They heard a number of alerts that they were in the protected area for, and at other times saw missiles high above headed for locations farther away. They were all sent home on Wednesday, around 1:45, and I’m happy to have him back at home. He’s hoping that things will clear up in time for him to return to yeshiva for Shavuos (Sunday), but I think the likelihood of that happening isn’t high.

Avivah

Our close-up experience at Meron this year

Parenting

Our plans for this past Shabbos were all worked out by Thursday morning. Six yeshiva friends of my twenty two year old son were going to attend Lag B’Omer festivities at Mt. Meron Thursday night, and would come to us early Friday morning and stay for Shabbos.

On Thursday evening, a private bus took a group of local young men to Meron, and on it were ds22, ds15 and ds13, who were anticipating an enjoyable ‘brothers trip together.

Since ds22 had been to Meron in the past, he knew what to expect. They agreed on a meeting place and time in case they were separated, and decided to daven maariv (evening services) and get a bite to eat before heading to the Toldos Aharon hadlaka (bonfire). It was this decision that saved them from being right in the middle of what turned into Israel’s biggest civilian catastrophe. A simple decision, a fifteen minute delay….

They davened, and while they ate something quick, an announcement was made that something had just happened. (It would be an hour before the extent of what had just happened would be made public.) They said some tehillim, and them continued with their plans, on to the Toldos Aharon bonfire.

They got there to the sights and sounds of dozens of ambulances and police cars, a helicopter overhead – and bodies being pulled out. It was exactly here that 45 people died and 150 others were injured. They saw numerous people on stretchers being rushed to the ambulances; on one stretcher the paramedic was performing cpr while other paramedics were running the stretcher to the ambulance. My sons later told me it was a scene out of a horror movie, with fear, confusion and screaming all around.

I later found out (from the parent of a young man who was there) that my twenty two year old took charge of the crowd, and led them in reciting tehillim. Every time a body was brought out, he called out blessings for a refuah sheleima, joined by others.

When the announcement was made that people had died, the atmosphere at Meron changed in an instant. All music and dancing ceased immediately, replaced by tehillim, crying, screaming. Everyone was ordered to leave – at least 100,000 people. But there was no plan, no clear evacuation directions. People were told to go in one direction and ran there, to be told they had to go in the other direction and then ran in that direction. No cars were allowed in, no buses were allowed in. There was almost no cell coverage, people couldn’t call for help, look up directions, or contact family members whom they were separated from.

My boys had come on a privately chartered bus that was waiting in the parking lot some distance away to take them back. Shuttles usually run people back and forth to the parking lots. When a shuttle came by, they asked the driver if he was going to that parking lot. Yes, yes, he assured them, and told everyone else who got on he would take them to where they needed to go.

But he didn’t. He drove in an entirely different direction and insisted they all get off at a highway intersection six kilometers from the parking lot. My sons couldn’t get back to the bus in time, and couldn’t call to ask their driver to wait due to the lack of phone coverage. And so they waited on the side of the highway for hours. While they waited, the fifty+ people stranded flagged down private cars (no one was going in our direction so our boys couldn’t get a ride), but the empty buses that went by were waved on by the police.

At 5 am I woke up to a a call asking if I could pick them up (they didn’t want to wake me up so waited until they thought I’d be getting up), that Meron had been evacuated due to an emergency situation. I had no idea yet about what had happened, but I got in the car as fast I could and at 7 am was there.

We knew that ds22 had friends somewhere there and I wanted to take them as well, but they were in a different area and again, there was no cell reception to reach them. We found out a few friends were on a bus to a different city, and we drove to that city to pick them up.

One of the boys that I picked up had been present in the crush, and wanted to spend Shabbos at home (after coming to our home to sleep for a few hours). Two others were on a bus that was turned back right after the event, and never got into Meron. We ended up with two friends for Shabbos instead of six, one of whom was thirty feet away and saw everything unfold outside the structure where the people had been trapped.

When I checked the news Sunday morning, it was like reading about a completely different event than the eyewitness reports I heard.

What those attending all said – that I didn’t see discussed at all in the English news – was that the sole exit from the Toldos Aharon hadlaka was blocked by a gate put up by the police. At the same time that more and more people were allowed in at the entrance, no one could get out, leading to a deadly crush and numerous people dying of suffocation.

**Edited to add: I obviously wasn’t there, I’m not claiming this the only truth about what happened. But it was interesting that this was completely missing from the news, when this is what everyone we talked to who was there firsthand talked about. Maybe those people were confused, maybe they all made the same error about what happened – though we spoke to people directly after the event, when they had no access to phones, news, social media or to one another. I heard from only a few directly but from my son’s yeshiva alone, there are approximately 100 boys who were closer up and more directly involved, several of whom where in the very front of the crush where the bodies piled up. One managed to pull himself over the barrier and then pulled people/bodies out for the next half hour from a small exit that couldn’t be directly accessed by those inside (he was then hospitalized for shock and emotional trauma). He saved the lives of three people. Another was at the very front and saw the person next to him suffocating, and pulled him up so he could get air – and the person died in his hands five minutes later. These people saw the blocked exit right in front of them, they saw the bodies piling up all around them. This isn’t hard information to verify; many, many people were there and all say they were trapped.

Someone my boys met on Shabbos told them that someone near him fainted and the barrier was put into place in order to evacuate him, and as they put the barrier into place, this man asked to be let out and they put the barrier back right behind him – he was the last one out. Many people from the outside, including the police, tried to remove this gate when they saw people were trapped but it was a riot gate and it’s activated by pressure (if I understood correctly). They did succeed in pulling down some aluminum siding that allowed some people to file out. Please be clear that I have absolutely no desire to point fingers at anyone, and I’m not playing reporter. I’m noting the huge discrepancy between what I heard about and what I read about. If this is even partially true – and I put my trust much more in people who were there sharing their first hand experiences – it’s obvious why it’s not being written about, since the outage and anger about this catastrophic human error would be overwhelming. **

I was deeply disturbed that regardless of what really did or didn’t happen – at a time that one’s natural instincts call out for unity and compassion – the media instead chose to create a narrative that would place the blame on the victims themselves, on the charedi community, sowing dissension and hatred.

Many people were there and unharmed – but not unaffected. My ds22 saw some younger guys from his yeshiva crying when he got there, and went over to talk to them. One told him, sobbing,’I just saw ten people die in front of my eyes.’ There were so many aspects of this that have created a psychological toll that will need to be addressed.

For our family, it helped that my boys were all there together, and for the younger ones, that they had an older brother who they trusted to take care of them in the midst of complete chaos. I think this is a huge part of why they’re processing everything as well as they are.

My fifteen year old is very angry – angry that this happened, angry that the police he encountered afterward seemed to have no concern for those there and didn’t do anything to assist them, when they had the power to do so. This didn’t come out of nowhere – he shared with me things he saw and heard that were upsetting.

It was hard for me to hear the intensity of his feelings, but I’m relieved he was able to express some of his pent-up emotion. It would be unhealthy if he kept it in and didn’t talk about it at all, and anger is a normal response for what he saw. We’ll continue to discuss this as time goes on. There’s a time to talk about giving the benefit of the doubt and this is a constant topic in my home, but this wasn’t the time to talk about that.

Everyone processes in his own way. With my thirteen year old, I shared the list of those who died, each one a tragedy of its own, and discussed the role that G-d plays in a disaster like this.

With family members who weren’t there, we discussed the guilt of feeling relieved when we heard that our family members were safe, knowing that others didn’t share that experience.

I don’t know how to close this post – because in the face of so much anguish, anything I can say is trite and inadequate. Our hearts and prayers are with all of those who experienced loss of loved ones, who were injured, or who were traumatized by the events they experienced.

Avivah

Pesach menu 2021

menu plans, Pesach

What a lovely Pesach holiday it’s been so far! We’ve been blessed to have my mom and all of our married children with us this year – a far cry from last year, when we had the strictest quarantine of the year in place.

Two ingredients for a wonderful holiday are a very nice group of compatible people combined with lots of yummy food! Watching and being part of the interactions of all these people is extremely heartwarming.

As far as the food – it’s always a big project! It seemed like the food shopping before Pesach would never end. Though I bought a lot, I know it will get used up remarkably fast.

I bought a case of onions, seventy+ pounds of potatoes, thirty pounds of carrots, a case of fennel, a case of sweet potatoes, a case of napa cabbage, 1/2 case of kohlrabi, some butternut squash, 25 pounds fresh garlic, loads of cucumber and tomatoes, and lots of clementines and pears for snacking. There were also cases of chicken and meat, and lots of dairy (mostly cheese and cottage cheese), as well as eight trays (30 each) of eggs.

Initially when I wrote out my menu before Pesach, I listed various cakes and kugels that looked appealing. Then I looked at what I had written and considered how much more appreciated a more basic menu would be. That means going heavier on the vegetables and light on the cakes and kugels.

Friday night dinner: soup, roast chicken, carrot fries, potato saute’, fennel-orange salad, kohlrabi tomato salad, chocolate chip cake

Shabbos lunch: salmon, cholent with yaptzug (basically a potato kugel mixture poured on top of boiling cholent and left to cook on the blech), kishke, beet salad (with fresh parsley and garlic), marinated carrot salad, macaroons

Saturday night- Seder night: naturally lots of matza! Charoses. Soup, meat, chicken, potato kugel, marinated kohlrabi carrot salad,

Sunday lunch: roasted garlic, onion dip, tomato cucumber salad, mint napa salad (with fennel, zucchini, kohlrabi and oranges) – I made a huge amount of these two fresh that morning and it was almost all eaten – beet salad, marinated carrot salad, potato kugel, kishke, chicken, marble cake

I noticed something interesting about the salads – the size and shape of the pieces of the vegetables seem to determine how much is eaten. The one salad that really didn’t go over well was the marinated carrots, which I thought was pretty. The carrots were thinly crinkle cut, with a blended olive oil/lemon juice/parsley dressing. It was hardly touched. My daughter said she thought if the pieces were smaller, it would have gone fast. I like to have a variety of shapes and sizes so every salad doesn’t look like a repeat of the next, but in any case I don’t serve all the salads at one meal so that really isn’t an issue.

For chol hamoed I’m loosely planning for two big meals each day – we’ll see if that actually works out! I find that keeping a huge pot of cooked potatoes and a pan of baked sweet potatoes on hand is very helpful.

brunch: fresh fruit, eggs, matza brei, fritatatas, matza lasagna, dairy, fresh salad

main meal: shepherd’s pie, hot dogs with sauteed napa, peppers and onion, vegetable meat loaf, chicken and potatoes, baked fish

I won’t be planning the meals for the end of the holiday until we’re closer to that point. Somehow it feels like too much for me to plan all of that at this point. I’ll see what we’ve eaten in the course of this week and from there, determine what kind of dishes will be most appreciated.

Avivah

Blog status update and loving the outdoor life

Uncategorized

It was a blog reader from South America who first contacted me to let me know my site had become inaccessible last week. From there, it quickly became apparent that my site was being blocked worldwide due to the content of my previous post.

The thought of losing thousands of posts written over the last fifteen years was very painful. And yet when my husband commented, “You’re taking this very well,” he was right. For many months I have repeatedly asked myself if I was demonstrating a lack of integrity by keeping silent on an issue that was so opposed to my value system (widespread media censorship and government coercion). There was a relief in finally saying my truth, and when I paid the price by having my site shut down – and it looked as if I might not be able to get it back – having acted in integrity with my values was a real comfort. Having said that, I’m so relieved to have been able to retrieve it.

Last night I left my computer open and while I was sleeping my 22 year old son read my blog for the first time (with the exception of my oldest daughter, my kids don’t read my blog). He spent hours reading through through years of posts, and first thing this morning told me how deeply touching it was to read about so many of our family experiences. This blog is a part of our family history and it would have been a huge loss to have not been able to retrieve it. (We intend to hire someone to back it up so even if I’m blocked again, I’ll still have my content.)

To the person who reported my post (and it seems clear to everyone I spoke to about this that my post wouldn’t have triggered censorship if it hadn’t been tagged specifically), while I’m saddened at what happened, I understand that what I wrote felt threatening to you, and I send you much compassion along with my blessing for you to feel safe in the world. It’s unfortunate when people think that by turning in others for ‘violations’ or simply differences of opinion that they are making the world a better place.

Additionally, I’m grateful to you. You gave me the opportunity to face something that I was afraid of and to see that I don’t have to be afraid and stay in the shadows, and as a result I feel calmer and more secure. I believe that everything that happens is for our best and in this case, you’ve helped me in a way that active supporters couldn’t.

I’m glad to be back and now on to other things.

**********************

A week ago the spring break for yeshivos began and my home suddenly filled with lots of male energy! It’s just me, my hubs and my seven boys. I love it!

It’s been a year since moving to Yavneel, and it’s been so great living in a place with a strong outdoor culture.

We had so many hesitations about making this move, particularly regarding our children. When we bought our home in September 2019, we had no idea that covid would happen or that we would move here on the first day of the most intense lockdown that Israel has experienced. Now hardly two days go by without my husband or me saying aloud how amazing it is that we moved when we did, and our children often tell me how happy they are here.

It’s not that we moved to a perfect place where everything is just as we want it, but we are living in a way that feels more aligned with the life we want. More quiet, more space, more outdoor time. Much more outdoor time. When the weather is pleasant, we spend most of the day outside!

View from my front yard

I really appreciate the quieter, slower pace of life, and the increased access to nature. To have experienced such a huge quality of life upgrade at a time of so much worldwide external stress was an incredible gift. Being here has been incredibly beneficial for us maintaining a positive and centered core at a time of challenge. We recently had some young men for a Shabbos meal, and one said he’s been hosted by many families over recent months and we’re the only ones who aren’t stressed about all that is going on.

There’s something centering and calming about being surrounded by the sights of nature. A friend who moved here a little after we did commented that she thinks everyone would benefit from the healing that happens when living in a place like this.

I also deeply appreciate the opportunities living here has created for our boys. Friends of my fifteen year old wanted to plan a group trip last week and he told them he’s not interested in joining: “I live in a vacation spot and I do hikes and trips whenever I want.” This, from a boy who prior to moving here always wanted to get out and be with friends.

There’s the daily outdoor time, lots of biking and hiking and just being. As I’m sitting here writing this on Thursday night, my 11, 13 and 15 year olds just asked me if they could take a nighttime hike to a local spring. I agreed, after cautioning them to wear their headlamps since one Friday night ds15 went with a friend – they obviously had no lights since it was Shabbos – and were chased by a pack of hyenas. So I’d like to avoid that kind of adrenaline rush this time. 🙂

Ds15 and ds13, triumphant after removing the tusks from the carcass of a wild boar that they found when hiking. Making memories with brotherly bonding.

The older boys (13, 15, 18, 22) did a long bike trip to the Jordan River during the last vacation, and this week ds13 and ds15 went with friends on a strenuous hike around the Sea of Galilee. They hiked 40 kilometers the first day, carrying all their water for the day with them. Later that evening my husband drove 45 minutes to meet them with a water refill and more food – they got really hungry with all that exercise! – and camped out with them for the night. They cut the trip from the intended three days to two since the fatigue was pretty intense, but it was still a good trip.


After working on getting my agreement for quite some time, my thirteen year old just purchased a bunch of two week old chicks and finished building a large coop for them. (He no longer has quail.) He really wanted me to agree to a cow so we could have our own milk and then negotiated down to sheep (he was hoping a neighbor with a large plot of land would agree to lease to us), but I’m not ready for the investment of fencing and animal housing on someone else’s property.

He also initiated learning with a local shochet, and is almost finished learning shechita. He’s considering doing an advanced course that is quite expensive that would qualify him to do nikur (removing the gid hanashe/ sciatic nerve), something that no one locally is trained in and pays well, even for someone his age. We’re continuing to discuss that. I’m not sure how I feel about him working in the field at this point, as competent and responsible as he is. Ds11, ds13 and ds15 have all had several opportunities to participate in skinning and kashering poultry and goat meat; there’s been a lot of hands-on learning.

Ds15 and ds13 both have been learning safrus; ds15 wasn’t able to complete the course since he went back to school (he’s had eight weeks of in-person classes this year), but ds13 is getting close to the end. He’s learned that it’s not something he enjoys very much (no surprise to me) but I value learning of all sorts and this has been a great opportunity. (That’s not an outdoor activity so it doesn’t really belong here but it’s part of the learning they’re doing since moving.)

Locally there’s a strong agricultural leaning so they see others raising animals and have had hands on experience with the animals of others, and it’s understandable why they want to have some, too! Ds11 really wants a milk goat but I put my foot down on that despite repeated importuning, and he got two rabbits instead. I keep reminding them we just don’t have space! I suggested he choose something small that has some practical benefit (the used bedding goes on the garden beds); though he takes good care of them, I can see that it’s not very satisfying for him.

To make a very good thing much better, six weeks ago my oldest daughter moved here with her family! I never dared hope that one of our children would choose to live close by. Having so much more time to spend with them has been wonderful! Covid has blessed me; if not for the changes in lifestyle that regulations have created, they would still be living in the previously very desirable Jerusalem neighborhood they were in. They moved from a city apartment with no balcony or outdoor space to a house with a garden, and now she finds that most of their time is spent outside, too.

Ds11 and ds13, helping their niece bottle-feed a two day old lamb

Notice that there’s been no mention of Pesach preparations, but I did do some shopping this week. They’ve had lots of trip time this week; next week we’re going to all work together intensely and do a Pesach cleaning marathon!

Avivah