When we bought our last home five years ago, it was critical to me that it had a garden, and in fact the home we bought had a small garden (28 meters) as well as a large porch. I was so grateful for that outdoor space! I had an extensive collection of succulents growing in pots on the porch, and a small border of plants and two fruit trees growing in the garden.
We are now in our new home and I am SO grateful to have a much larger yard so I can do more extensive gardening! I just love being outside and getting my hands in the dirt. I even enjoy weeding. 🙂 Which is good, because my yard is one huge mess of 4 – 5 foot high weeds.
Though I did some initial decorative planting, my priority was to get fruit trees into the ground before it’s too hot so that they can set better. I’ve spent a few weeks reading about different fruits that I’m interested in (many exotic and unfamiliar to me) but honestly got a little overwhelmed thinking about it all.
I decided to keep it simple and enjoy gradually expanding and learning new things, rather than trying to buy everything I might want at once.
Here’s what this space looked like before. I was hopeful that the tree there was a citrus, but when I asked the guy at the nursery, he said it absolutely wasn’t. He thought it was probably ficus, a large tree planted for shade with destructive roots that rip up concrete, and strongly recommended removing it. So I did and it’s now in a pot next to my front door.
You can see the corner where I started weeding. 🙂
As soon as the local nursery reopened for in-person customers last week, I was there first thing in the morning!
Citrus are easy fruits to grow in Israel and I bought a Valencia orange and clementine; I don’t see the other citrus options being something we would use much of. I strongly believe in planting things you will eat. It doesn’t matter how well it grows; if you won’t use it, why bother planting it?
Additionally in this 18 meter space I’ve planted loquat and persimmon. I did quite a bit of reading about spacing for fruit trees to determine how many I could plant; I was surprised that fruit trees in a home garden can be planted just 18 inches apart if they are well pruned! In addition to typical planting, there are also some cool things you can do like espalier (growing along a fence) or growing them over a garden arch.
I considered putting eight trees in this space. The choice was: more kinds of fruits but more pruning of each tree, and less yield on each tree, or more fruit on fewer trees and less pruning. I decided to go with the latter.
Back to front: orange, clementine, loquat, persimmon, each surrounded by companion plants.
I got one grape vine, the Isabella, which I read is the only grape vine in Israel that doesn’t require spraying with pesticides. It’s good for eating and making juice. I only got one because grape vines spread tremendously so I’ve left over ten feet in each direction unplanted. I intend to tie it up so it will cover this very strong but not too visually appealing fencing.
A few days later at a different nursery I got two pitango bushes, which will grow into a living fence along the fencing we put in to close off the back yard. Pitango (also known as pitanga or surinam cherries) make a great hedge and also have edible berries. My preference is to grow plants that have some kind of edible output.
I also planted an Ettinger avocado in a different part of the yard (a pic of that will follow in a post regarding a different project). I planted this separate from the others because it grows much taller and I wanted it to be in a space where the shade it provides will be appreciated (ie not next to the pergolas which will be our sukka!).
When I go back to Beit Shemesh in the next couple of weeks to get the last of our stuff out and clean up our apartment, I’m going to take out the plum, nectarine and jasmine and replant them here.
My family was discussing what aspects of this quarantine period they appreciate, and here is some of what they shared:
no rushing, being able to go at a more relaxed pace
enjoying being at home and participating instead of feeling there’s something else you’d rather be doing and resenting being asked to help out
family meals three times a day
working together on projects
being more patient and kind to your siblings
my husband working from home
no need to get the younger boys to school and from school and therapies
Having moved a month ago and having a bigger space has been a nice plus, but everyone felt we would have done just fine if we had stayed where we were, too. Some things would have been different, but we would have still enjoyed being together.
It takes time to learn to be together around the clock. Lots of families are feeling very challenged by this, and it’s okay to not love it and it’s okay to want it to be over.
But it’s also an opportunity many families are enjoying. One father told my son, “I realized I never knew who my kids were, and now I’m getting to know them.” There’s now a global opportunity to experience a deeper level of connection with our families.
If you’re struggling, realize you can make your thoughts work for you by shifting perspectives. There are plenty of negatives that we can all find and if you focus on that, it’s going to be hard! Being able to view this time as a positive opportunity is the first step to opening the door to a more positive and enjoyable experience.
For me, the togetherness and being able to make our own schedule has always been the best part of homeschooling, and I’m really loving having that again!
Since moving a week and a half ago, we’ve been super busy. The days are full, but as busy as we’ve been, it’s been enjoyable and we haven’t felt rushed.
In addition to rebuilding closets, unpacking and settling in, here’s some more that we’ve been up to.
Clearing junk – First of all, we needed to clear out the large amount of junk that was left behind. Though this shouldn’t have been left for us to deal with, we appreciated the seller let us move in before the sale was complete, and considered this the price for our early move. It was a lot of stuff and definitely a task of its own.
The bulk trash pickup system here is very different than what I was used to in a city! After piling it near the driveway, I had to call someone who works for the municipality to come and pick it up. It took a few days but at 8 am one morning, there was a knock on my door and there was the guy for the bulk pickup, telling me to send out someone to load the stuff onto his tractor.
I went out to see a trailer hooked up to his tractor, and a few of the boys ran out to load it up. It was great to get all that trash out and have a fresh slate to get working!
Pergolas – Even though there is plenty to do inside, we decided our first big project would be building a pergola. Right now the weather is so beautiful and working outside is a pleasure – that won’t be the case for much longer! We have a very sunny exposure and it gets incredibly hot here in the summer. Having a pergola will provide us with a shaded outdoor area for playing and hanging out, so we can enjoy the outdoors rather than escaping inside to the a/c.
I wanted to build a large pergola on the front of the house and a smaller pergola on the side, to create two different areas for relaxing and playing.
Ds21 is not only highly competent, he’s a really good team leader. He had all of the other kids (except ds3) involved in moving lumber from the end of our walkway where the delivery truck left it, and then painting all of it.
Painting boards – dd19, ds17, ds14; ds21 and ds7 the foreground
For the actual building, he instructed ds14, ds12 and ds17 so they were learning as they went along (dd19 and dd23 were very involved in building our last pergola in RBS). I really appreciate them having the opportunity to learn real life skills. Working on a project like this builds competence as well as confidence.
Ds12 using the jigsaw to cut the decorative designs on the ends of the boards Night activity at the Werners – ds12 and ds21 on ladder drilling in ledger boards to houseRaising the first beam – from left to right, ds21, ds17, ds12 and ds14 on ladder. Ds14 using circular saw to trim boards downThe large pergola on the front of the house, finished! The smaller pergola on the side of the house, finished except for attaching monkey bars.
Gate – The yard has a wall around most of it, with an opening in the front and back. I have two young children and a dog who I’d like to let run freely in our garden without worrying they’re going somewhere they shouldn’t. Ds21 and ds14 built a gate and a small fence next to it, to make our space safer for them.
The entrance to our yard, before. The gate and small fence next to it, where the wall is low enough for a child to easily climb over.
Chickens/duck research – the yard is a huge overgrown space, filled with tall weeds. I’ve been thinking a lot about getting chickens, since they are the ultimate composting/tilling machines They are super practical! However, I’m strongly drawn to ducks (they are so cute and entertaining!!), even though they aren’t as efficient when it comes to eating leftovers.
I found a seller of the breed of ducks I’m interested in, but due to the lockdown situation I’m not able to pick them up. So I’m deliberating about getting chickens locally in the meantime or waiting a while to add any livestock to our mini-homestead. 🙂
I’ve also been thinking about putting in fruit trees. I would love to get them into the ground before Pesach and prepared my order to call it into the nursery, which delivers. Realistically with all that we have to do in the house and getting ready for Pesach (haven’t even started getting the kitchen ready!), it’s too much to add a project like this in the next two days.
I was ready to push to get it done until I realized there is no external faucet for the garden. Not only no faucet, but no plumbing was laid to connect us to the main water source (there’s different water for gardens) from the municipality. How in the world do you build a house with a large garden and not build the infrastructure to connect to the water system?!? It seems we have to contact the water company to find out what’s involved in getting pipes laid and hooked up and since I haven’t yet done that (I’ve been plenty busy with other things!), I have no idea what that entails in terms of cost or time.
Planting the trees without having a watering system in place is going to be much more work than I’m ready for, so as much as I would love to get them in now while it’s still cool and wet, I’m reluctantly going to have to wait.
I’ve been doing lots of weed pulling, and started putting in landscaping plants along with some vegetable plants. I love waking up early and working in the garden while everyone else is still sleeping. I love it!! When I’m gardening I enjoy it so much that I don’t realize how much work it is, but now I’m stiff and sore from the unexpected workouts!
This partially buried piping was obstructing our walkway entrance. Once I got started digging the pipe out, I decided to plant some succulents that will fill in nicely with time and require minimal care.
Painting – Last year a leak from the porch upstairs had caused unsightly peeling paint on the ceiling below in several places. Immediately after signing on the home in the fall we had the core issue fixed so there is no new water damage despite the extensive rains this year, but we still had to deal with the remaining cosmetic damage.
We scraped down the ceiling, spackled it, resanded it, painted it and now it looks so good! We have lots more painting to do – the main floor is mostly okay but the upstairs is in serious need of painting in every single room. That’s going to be a big project since the people before us stuck up some adhesive fake brick stuff in the main area that we’re going to have to take down, then do lots of spackling and sanding before we get to the point we can paint it. That will definitely not happen before Pesach!
I wanted to have the colors of the ocean for the living room, so I chose pale sand and pale teal paint colors. Due to the lockdown I ordered the colors from my computer instead of going in person. Unfortunately, things look different on a screen, so I now have a light blue instead of teal! It looks nice, though quite different than what I was envisioning.
The boys painted one bedroom upstairs, and hopefully will do another couple of rooms today.
We still have lots of unpacking and organizing to do, which is impeded by not being able to buy the furniture we’re missing. If I would buy new, I could have it delivered but it still wouldn’t have been here before Pesach, and in any case that’s not what I budgeted for. So I’ll have to wait until the restrictions are lifted to buy from private sellers; for now, I’ve made a makeshift closet for my room by stacking several sturdy boxes on top of each other. It’s not beautiful but it’s better than unpacked boxes all over the floor!
Dog grooming – Our dog loves running through the grassy fields surrounding our home! This has created a new topic for us to learn about – ticks. 🙁 To make it easier to see if something attached to him, ds17 gave Sheleg a haircut – it doesn’t look professional but considering it was his first time, he did a great job! It’s much more functional. We’ve all gotten a quickie course in recognizing and removing ticks. Fun times.
There’s so much to do, and it’s so nice being able to do this together, with everyone is home.
And today, I’m going to get started on getting my kitchen ready for Pesach!
>>How do you keep going when it is so very painful to exist in this world? I rarely share my problems. I always feel like other people probably have it worse. What keeps you going? If you have any wisdom for me, I’m all ears.<<
This weekend I received this question, and though I’ve composed a private message with more specifics to the writer, I realize this is a question a lot of people may have now, so I’m sharing the general part of my response here.
Gratitude – The darker and more difficult times are, the more critical it is to look for the things to feel grateful for. I keep a notebook of things that I appreciate. This isn’t an academic exercise to get it down on paper and go on with my day! I use it as an anchor to focus and reflect on.
As I think about the positive things, I try to really feel how good each of those things are. I consciously fill my mind with all that is good and going right. When I start to go off track into negative thoughts, I pull my thoughts back to the good. The more I can do this, the happier and more content I feel.
This is really important because if you don’t consciously fill your mind with positive thoughts, fear and anxiety and negativity will flood you. That’s the natural default we are all societally set at. (You can see this very much right now in the news, on social media and just about every single place you visit online or in person.)
Activating your gratitude practice is definitely a mental exercise! The more you do it, the easier it gets and the more you do it, the better life feels. The better you feel about life, the more things in your life will shift for the good. The challenge is to feel good even before the external circumstances look good, because this is what brings more good into your life.
This might seem too simple, too pat – but gratitude is a powerful practice that will shift your perspective even while things are tough, and improve your life as time goes on. I can’t stress enough how powerful this can be.
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been preoccupied with the possibility of moving to our new home in the north. Our original intention was to wait until the end of the school year in order to give our children as much closure as possible before moving to a new place. However, a lot is changing….
The first school closures were announced less than three weeks ago and a few days later the school closures were complete. When I considered the big picture, it seemed unlikely schools would resume after the five week shutdown that was announced. But of course, no one knew what would happen.
Expecting we would soon be facing an extended period at home, I was strongly inclined to move to our new home for a number of reasons. It’s significantly larger and has much more outdoor space, which would make quarantine much more comfortable for the ten of us. The green fields surrounding the house would offer increased freedom at a time when movement is restricted, and it would be a physically and emotionally healthier place to be.
100 meters from our front yard – heaven for kids and a dog to run around in.
There would also be various tasks to get the house ready that would be enjoyable to do together while providing a constructive outlet for the energy of kids who are home all day.
In light of all that, two weeks ago I asked my kids what they thought of moving sooner rather than waiting until July. None of them liked that idea – they wanted to stay in RBS for when things got back to normal.
However, every few days the guidelines were tightening, and I was concerned that we were going to go to a dramatically more limited level of movement nationally very soon. I also thought that given another week of not being able to see friends, their perspective on moving would shift.
Meanwhile the sale of our home in the north still wasn’t completed, and I couldn’t make any plans to move until we owned the home. I was feeling very unsettled, wanting to plan a move and feeling the choice would soon not be mine to make.
It was only a week after we first started talking about moving (but it felt like a lifetime) that I told my husband we needed to set a clear intention about what we wanted. It was last week on a Sunday night that we agreed we would move on Monday, March 30. Hopefully that would give the bank time to get their act together (lots of delays due to the current situation) and complete the paperwork, and it would give us a week to pack up.
The next morning announced to our kids that we would be making the move a week later. We didn’t know if it would be possible but we went with the assumption that it would work out. I went to get some boxes from the store first thing in the morning and when I brought them home, the kids started packing their things. I called the mover and booked the date.
Our home by Wednesday afternoon.
Later Monday afternoon, after my husband spoke to the lawyer and real estate agent, the seller agreed that we could move in even if the paperwork wasn’t completed.
That got my gears spinning: although we set the following Monday as the target date to be realistic about the bank’s timeline, I was sure by Thursday night we would have new restrictions in place and wanted to go before our move would be forbidden. If the seller was already willing to let us move in before the sale was completed, maybe we could move on Thursday morning?
First thing Tuesday morning I called the mover to ask if he could do the move on Thursday morning. He wasn’t able to give me an answer until Tuesday afternoon, but I told the kids to assume it would happen. At 2 pm his response was that he could send us a truck and driver, but no other staff were available. A number of people who had planned to move the following week had frantically moved their moving dates up in light of the situation, and he had no workers left.
He suggested we do the move ourselves, and being very motivated to move as soon as we could, I agreed.
Ds14 unloading boxes from the truck We completely packed this 7 meter truck from top to bottom!
While my husband continued working (from home) and the kids packed and dissembled furniture, I was busy completing all the errands.
One big item was buying a new fridge – a week before the repairman had said it wouldn’t last much longer and I doubted it would be functional if we moved it. It would be very difficult to be in a new home without a working refrigerator. I was able to buy a fridge that was a floor model, which allowed us to haul it home that same evening (rather than wait a week for delivery), and load it onto the moving truck the first thing in the morning.
It was a very, very full two days!
Our mover verified legally that he was still allowed to do the move on Thursday morning.
My kids were amazing; they all jumped in and worked together without stopping and without complaining. It was actually an energizing and bonding experience for us all.
Moving in this way might sound like a nightmare, but it really wasn’t. The amazing thing wasn’t that we packed up and moved in this very short time frame, but that it didn’t feel pressured. That was a result of all of us thinking and speaking in a positive way.
Sheleg chilling in our new yard, watching the truck get unloaded.
And we made it! We are here in our new home in Yavneel!
Welcome signs on our front door made by neighboring children. Isn’t that sweet? Amazing that somehow people in Yavneel knew we were arriving! They even made signs for the side entrance!
Though in the earlier stage of discussion there was resistance to the idea of moving now, at this point everyone agrees it was a really good plan! We all feel grateful to be here, with a sense of having squeaked through at the very last minute.
That’s not theoretical – at 4:30 pm on Thursday afternoon, as we were unpacking in our new home, I received a message from our foster social worker, who I was in daily contact with about the move and knew all of our plans. Her message stated that her supervisor had just told her that we were no longer authorized to move. I had such a sense of deep relief to already be here!
“You may have to help some people out now that the whole country will have to homeschool.” This was the first message I got, minutes after the announcement that schools would be closed was made.
Since then, I’ve been seeing lots of social media postings and receiving queries. As a veteran homeschooling mom of 19 years, I knew that the first days would be a flurry of unrealistic schedules guaranteed to exhaust everyone. I also knew that after a day or two of the schedule, parents would be ready to throw in the towel.
Unless you find it a comforting and relaxing term, stop saying that you’re homeschooling. You aren’t automatically homeschooling when your kids are at home instead of in school. You don’t say you’re homeschooling when it’s spring break or summer vacation. This is the same thing – they are having an extended school vacation, albeit unplanned and unexpected.
You know why the term you use matter? Because it determines what you expect of yourselves, and at a time when you have much more stress and pressure than usual, please don’t add to it by thinking you should be homeschooling on top of everything else. Really. Let the homeschooling thing go.
If you are one of many trying to get your kids onto their online classes, trying to fit it all in and juggles screen time for more than one child is likely to add tremendously to your stress. Use the online classes or assignments that your children may have been sent from teachers only if it adds to everyone’s general calm and contentment. My eight grader loves getting onto his WhatsApp class but he also doesn’t feel he has to do every single one, and when he misses one it’s no big deal.
The online classes and assignments are intended to be supportive; consider them a suggestion, not a requirement. Hopefully the administration of your child’s school sees this the same way, but they are also trying to figure this out in a very short time and will need time to find their balance.
If you think it’s fun to play math games with your kids, go ahead. But your focus should be on helping everyone adjust to being at home together all day. Look for what sparks joy. If something doesn’t sound appealing for you or your kids, don’t do it. There are plenty of other things to do.
If you feel like it’s only been a few days and you’re already ready to rip out your hair, take a deep breath. No matter how inadequate you may be feeling in the moment, you’re doing fine. You’ve been thrown into the deep end of a pool and shouldn’t expect yourself to be an expert swimmer as soon as you hit the water.
After letting go of unrealistic expectations and being kind to yourself, my next suggestion is this:
Menu plan – you’re going to be cooking much more than you’re used to and you may be astonished how much kids who are home can eat! You and the kids will all be much more relaxed when mealtimes are regular and predictable. (I have dozens of weekly menu plans in my menu plan category.)
Seriously, this is really, really important. It doesn’t matter how simple or boring the meals are, just make it regular. Do this and it will feel like your home is functional. Don’t do this, and you’ll want to scream at the next person who tells you they’re hungry and asks you what there is to eat!
I’ll be sharing more thoughts in future posts, and am happy to respond to specific questions. I also have hundreds of posts in the homeschooling category of my archives that answer many, many specific questions about what/how/why of homeschooling and parenting. Feel free to browse that, looking at earlier posts first, to get some encouragement and practical suggestions.
People tell me that things change quickly in our family, and I suppose that’s true. I seem like I make decisions fast and act on them quickly. And that’s true! However, what people can’t know if that I spend a lot of time thinking about things and researching prior to taking action.
Months ago when we talked to our kids about moving to northern Israel, one son was very unhappy about the idea. He asked if he could get a dog if we moved, and to ‘sweeten the deal’ for him, I said I would seriously consider it. Time went on and he realized that he’ll be too busy with school to be around much, so he retracted his request.
But I had already begun exploring the idea and saw the different ways that having a dog could be valuable for our family, particularly our youngest two. The more I thought about it, the better an idea it seemed to be. I’m a believer in integrating beneficial activities rather than turning them into stand alone therapy, and some positive benefits of pet therapy are a natural part of pet ownership. Responsibility is great, but my kids can learn that without a pet – but the calm and connection of a pet are wonderful!
For months I’ve been reading descriptions of dogs needing adoptive homes on various Facebook groups, but I didn’t speak to my husband until the week we ended up bringing our dog home. When I presented the idea, he agreed it sounded interesting – once we moved to our bigger house with a bigger yard.
One of the ideas I considered was fostering a dog for a few months as a trial for pet ownership. Another idea was buying a trained service dog that didn’t pass the test (available to those with special needs at a very, very reduced price). I liked that idea a lot, but the waiting list was six months long and closed when I called.
Then I thought about our needs, and realized that I really didn’t need a service dog. What I wanted was a friendly, calm, quiet and intelligent dog that could be trained to track our younger two children if necessary. (I haven’t really shared here about the challenges involved when a child loves to explore on his own and escapes every chance he has…this is a very common issue for kids with T21 and I am SO grateful that when Yirmi turned 7 this finally stopped being the serious ongoing concern it was for years.)
Though I think puppies are incredibly adorable, I had no interest in training a puppy (toilet training my kids is my least favorite parenting activity), which is a significant time investment. I wanted an adult dog that was already housebroken and whose basic personality was already known.
I had just left for a two day women’s trip away when I saw a particular dog listed whose description caught my eye. However, I didn’t contact them because I had no time to take the kids to meet a dog. And anyway, I had just brought up the idea with my husband a couple of days before.
However, when I saw the same dog posted on the morning after I returned, I noticed there was a good bit of interest in this particular dog, and thought I should at least call. So I did. At 1 pm Friday afternoon she called back.
After our conversation, I strongly felt he was potentially a great match for us, so at 1:30 on Friday afternoon, I spontaneously announced a family trip to Tel Aviv! This was a bit of a surprise to them all since I had only a few days earlier in the week casually mentioned the idea of getting a dog. By going at this time, I was able to take my husband and the five youngest boys (who are rarely all available at once), and off we went.
Within less than a minute of meeting the dog, everyone was clear – this was the right dog for our family! Even the kids who were lukewarm to begin were enthusiastic after meeting him. Shabbos began that week at 4:15, Tel Aviv was an hour drive away and it was a very rainy day, leading to a longer trip than usual. We got back home just 15 minutes before Shabbos but all agreed the spontaneous trip was very valuable. It’s one thing to theoretically discuss something; it’s completely a different discussion when everyone knows the specifics.
The morning of the first walk.
Shabbos was filled with lots of talk about how excited they were to get Sheleg (translation: Snowy, because it was snowing when he was born). We bypassed the time constraints of my busy week to come by returning to Tel Aviv on Saturday night to pick him up.
Don’t you love that blissful smile as Yirmi snuggles with Sheleg?
Just like that, we are now a dog family! It’s funny how things can happen so quickly but just feel right. Everyone agrees, he fits our family perfectly.
Enjoying a warm spring day together.
After seeing so many dogs listed, what appealed to me particularly about this dog? First of all, the breed. I was specifically looking for a labrador or golden retriever, because of their friendly, calm temperament and intelligence. Sheleg is a golden retriever (according to his paperwork from the vet, but I think he must be a mix because he’s smaller than the typical golden retriever). A huge plus for me was that he had been raised with a family who had previously run a home daycare. They were wonderfully responsible and loving owners, and he is a very calm dog who is used to being around kids.
I was open to adopting a dog from a shelter, but preferred a dog from a private home. Often dogs have experienced abandonment, abuse and trauma, and it takes time and patience to help them feel safe and secure. A stable dog from a loving home was a definite advantage.
I came home from shopping to this sight. 🙂
People keep asking why anyone would have given away such a great dog! The answer is, the couple who had him had gotten older and as their physical abilities became more limited, were unable to give him the life they felt he deserved. Neighborhood kids came by to take him out for walks (since the owners couldn’t do it); as much as they wanted to keep him, they felt it wasn’t fair to him to stay in a home with no porch or yard and very limited access to the outdoors.
However, they were very, very attached to him and despite a lot of calls expressing interest, didn’t feel good about any of the people who contacted them. They didn’t want money for him; their priority was that he go to a very good home.
When they met us, they had that same instantaneous feeling of us being a perfect match for what they were looking for, that we felt when we met them. She said a few times, she never dreamed she would find a family like us that was so exactly what they wanted for him, and as hard as it is for them, it gives them a lot of comfort that he will have a wonderful life. Every couple of weeks I send them photos. 🙂
Sheleg accompanies us on outings as well as to our weekly homeschool meetup at the park.
So Sheleg is now a member of the family and has slid into our lives seamlessly. He loves being with us and we’re all enjoying him, too. There’s something very comforting about having such a nice dog around.
Typical – he curls up to us as close as he can get, inside or outside. One thing I wanted was to encourage physical activity for our younger two boys and walking a dog provides that, though at this point it’s more for Yirmi (7) than Rafael (3).
As far as additional training to track runaway kiddos, Yirmi is thankfully finally at the stage that it’s no longer a concern, and Rafael isn’t yet at that stage. So right now training isn’t something we’re actively pursuing. Especially since we’ll be moving somewhere with a lot more outdoor freedom, we like knowing we potentially have additional help keeping the littlest one from straying too far should we need it. 🙂
In the last year and a half since getting a car, I’ve given many people rides. I know what it’s like using public transportation, and when I’m driving, I keep my eyes open for those who look like they’d appreciate a lift.
That means noticing if someone is looking rushed, if they are carrying heavy bags, paying attention to the weather (is it very hot/cold/rainy? – on days like this people appreciate even very short rides).
I often stop at bus stops if I see a woman there (I only take women, unless my husband or an older son is with me) and tell her where I’m going, and ask if a ride in that direction will be helpful. Sometimes people shrug or ignore me, but most of the time people are happy for the help.
I’ve helped elderly women who are having trouble walking, people running late for appointments or to work, a bunch of people caught in the cold and rain, and a number of people who told me they had been waiting a long time for a bus that just wasn’t coming!
One night I gave a ride to someone who lost her bus card and didn’t know how she’d get home, then later to a couple of women who were neighbors; just a couple of days later when I stopped at a bus stop to ask a woman if she wanted a ride, she exclaimed, “You took me home two days ago when it was raining!” (I don’t generally recognize people I’ve given rides to since I see them so briefly and then am looking at the road when driving.)
My general boundaries for myself are that I will drop someone off at the bus stop closest to where they need to go that is on my way, but I’ve departed from my own rules at times to take someone to their destination. Sometimes that has been very much out of my way, sometimes less so, but I always check in with myself before doing it to be sure that I’m respecting my boundaries and doing it with a full heart.
Last week I gave someone a ride to a different city (to take a stranger over an hour out of my way at midnight was a departure from my guidelines for myself) and she was protesting that I shouldn’t do it. I told her, if I’m offering, you can trust that it’s really okay.
I love spreading goodwill through these little acts of kindness! Women are generally surprised but appreciative to be offered a ride; it’s so little extra time and effort for me but makes a difference to them. Even if it doesn’t help or they don’t need to go in the direction I’m going, it leaves them with a good feeling that someone noticed them and wanted to be of help.
It’s been an important lesson for my children as well – I tell them that it doesn’t take much to help others, just paying attention and noticing people around you will provide you with many opportunities. When they drive with me, they get to see that regularly.
Lest you think this is selfless of me, know that I’ve been the recipient of many heartfelt blessings that have been much more than adequate payment for my efforts!
Today marks the third anniversary of the day that Rafael joined our family.
The foster care protocol was adjusted and bent and changed repeatedly to facilitate his arrival to our family. I shared about when we went to meet him at the hospital, accompanied only by his birth parents.
I didn’t write about the process of actually getting him, though. I shared pictures of his homecoming with all the kids holding him (go back and look again – weren’t they all so sweet?!?), but there were no pictures of me. All I referenced in the post was that it had been very draining. Very.
On the day we got Rafael we had another bending of protocol that added a huge emotional load to the experience for all of us. Instead of us picking him up from the hospital, he was checked out by his birth parents, who then took him to the offices of the foster care organization. It was in that office, accompanied by their social worker, our social worker, the head social worker, that both families finalized the agreement.
Finally the technicalities were completed. All that remained was to physically transfer the baby from them to us.
All that remained. As if that was a minor technicality.
No, it was all the reams of paperwork were the technicalities. The transfer of the baby was the most sensitive and heartwrenching experience.
His birth mother placed him in my arms, her eyes filled with tears. I don’t remember saying anything. What I do clearly remember is that they immediately left the office, and I turned toward the window overlooking the street, unable to speak for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart.
It was a moment of incredibly heightened emotion. We had so much anticipation of this little baby joining our family, but for me there was no happiness in that moment. In that moment, I saw only the heartbreak of another mother.
Through all the talking and paperwork, the baby slept.
We were told the baby needed to be awake for an extended period before he could be taken home. The ideas was to minimize trauma, so that he didn’t go to sleep on in one place and wake up in another, that there was some kind of preparatory transition for him.
This took quite some time. I don’t remember how long we were there, while the social workers observed us with him – more than two hours, but I don’t remember how much longer.
Not waking up, even after removing his snuggly warm clothing and repeated stimulation of all kinds (social workers in the background).
Moving his legs but still not opening his eyes. Rafael looking tortured as I persisted in trying to get him to wake up. “Ooh, look at you gorgeous boy, your eyes are open!” Hardly open, but open.
Once he was finally awake, my husband and I both held and interacted with him for a while.
We were at last allowed to give him a bottle, the final activity before taking him home. We couldn’t feed him sooner because it was likely he would have fallen right back asleep and he needed to be awake for an hour.
When we got home, all his siblings got a very brief chance to hold him. For the following week, he was hardly held by anyone but me. After having multiple caretakers for two months in the hospital, it was critical for him to bond with me and know me as his primary caretaker.
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Last week I had a meeting with staff at his school, and they commented that they never would have guessed that he wasn’t really my child.
He really is my child. While I didn’t give birth to him and he doesn’t (yet) legally share my last name, I couldn’t love him a drop more.
Rafael and his mommy, age 3.
I am so deeply, deeply grateful for the opportunity to parent this adorable ball of sunshine. It just keeps getting better.
When I first thought of having to sell our home, I dreaded the idea. It felt like so much pressure to have strangers in my personal space; I pictured the tension of scurrying around to get it spic and span for the people who would be walking through and noticing every corner. I felt stressed just thinking about it.
I recognized I was creating a negative picture and I was going to have to reframe this experience for myself if I wanted it to be any better than what I was imagining! I reminded myself that no one was judging me if the house didn’t sparkle, and if they did, it still had nothing to do with me. My job was to let my home be seen and to stay calm and relaxed during the time our home was on the market.
One day I thought about the connection and happiness that has been part of our life in this home, all the love and good energy that the walls have absorbed. I pictured a family moving in and enjoying the space as much as we have. Instead of worrying about when our home would sell, what amount we would get for it, what kind of terms, etc, I kept this image of a loving family enjoying our home at the forefront of my mind.
Our home was on the market for four months before we accepted an offer (a very low offer was made early on that we didn’t consider). Logistically, you could say that we didn’t have good timing, since we started the month before the fall holidays (when no one is buying), then there were three weeks of holidays (when no one is buying) and only after the holidays, the season officially opens.
Since our home was available when the market opened, we had lots of people interested in viewing it. However, though we got a lot of positive feedback, generally people want to view a lot of homes before feeling ready to make an offer and that was what we kept hearing – that people liked it but wanted to look at more homes.
I never allowed myself to think that our timing was bad. Instead, I focused on the thought that everything was working out perfectly for us and would continue to work out for us, and pictured it all coming together with perfect timing.
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This entire selling experience has been surprisingly positive (particularly for someone who dreaded it to the degree that I did). For the most part I didn’t feel pressured about people coming except for one time when I was told people were already waiting in front of our building. I was sick, and felt overwhelmed trying to do anything in those few minutes. However, this helped me clarify my boundaries and from then on I requested that we be given notice the day before. If I was asked on very short notice, I would only agree if I felt I could do it without stress for me and my family members.
So I was feeling good about well we were doing with this process.
Then one day, people were supposed to come to see the house, something that happened 2 – 3 times a week. One son cleaned up his part of the room before going out. He came home to find his brother hadn’t cleaned up his part of the room. He got upset at his brother and saying how messy it would be when people came, and then started crying from the pressure he was feeling. He told me he can’t take having people coming in to look at our house anymore.
I thought if a child would feel like this it would be as a reflection of my own tension. But I was actually pretty consistently calm and positive during these months; I tried not to put pressure on anyone to clean up to a high standard or in a rush or anything like that.
I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure, there was plenty of time for his brother to put his things away, and sent him outside to ride his bike until after the potential buyers left. But seeing his deep distress, I thought, “Hashem (G-d), it’s been fine until now but now it’s too much. It’s too much for my son. We need to sell now. “
That week some people came to look at our home. They came back a second time, then a third time. When they officially made an offer on the house, I told this same son about it before anyone else. He was so excited! He went out to a friend and walked in two hours later, still smiling broadly. I asked him why he was so happy, and he said, “Because now we don’t have to have people coming through our house anymore!”
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When we first considered the idea of moving to a different part of the country, it was kind of overwhelming. We would have to buy a new home in an unfamiliar neighborhood, sell our current home, my husband would have to find a new job, our kids would need to find different educational options…it was a lot to think about.
As we discussed more and more what we wanted, it seemed even more unrealistic. Specifically regarding the house, the two biggest points were wanting to stay until the end of the school year, and not wanting to pay a mortgage/rent on two homes. I could picture the sellers agreeing to us staying longer, but couldn’t think of a scenario in which we wouldn’t have to pay two house payments, since we’ll be completing the sale of our home in Yavne’el in March and staying here until the end of June.
I love when life reminds me that I don’t have to find the way to make what I want happen; I just have to know what I want and then turn it over for G-d to work it all out!
We signed a contract to sell our current home a week ago and the payment terms will make it possible for us to pay off our current mortgage around the same time that we will begin paying a mortgage on our new house. My husband and I marveled at how easily and perfectly things fell into place.
It’s now official: we will be staying in Ramat Beit Shemesh until the school year ends and moving to Yavne’el the beginning of July!
