All posts by Avivah

Why you shouldn’t try to homeschool now

Homeschooling, Self-Growth


“You may have to help some people out now that the whole country will have to homeschool.” This was the first message I got, minutes after the announcement that schools would be closed was made.

Since then, I’ve been seeing lots of social media postings and receiving queries. As a veteran homeschooling mom of 19 years, I knew that the first days would be a flurry of unrealistic schedules guaranteed to exhaust everyone. I also knew that after a day or two of the schedule, parents would be ready to throw in the towel.

Unless you find it a comforting and relaxing term, stop saying that you’re homeschooling. You aren’t automatically homeschooling when your kids are at home instead of in school. You don’t say you’re homeschooling when it’s spring break or summer vacation. This is the same thing – they are having an extended school vacation, albeit unplanned and unexpected.

You know why the term you use matter? Because it determines what you expect of yourselves, and at a time when you have much more stress and pressure than usual, please don’t add to it by thinking you should be homeschooling on top of everything else. Really. Let the homeschooling thing go.

If you are one of many trying to get your kids onto their online classes, trying to fit it all in and juggles screen time for more than one child is likely to add tremendously to your stress. Use the online classes or assignments that your children may have been sent from teachers only if it adds to everyone’s general calm and contentment. My eight grader loves getting onto his WhatsApp class but he also doesn’t feel he has to do every single one, and when he misses one it’s no big deal.

The online classes and assignments are intended to be supportive; consider them a suggestion, not a requirement. Hopefully the administration of your child’s school sees this the same way, but they are also trying to figure this out in a very short time and will need time to find their balance.

If you think it’s fun to play math games with your kids, go ahead. But your focus should be on helping everyone adjust to being at home together all day. Look for what sparks joy. If something doesn’t sound appealing for you or your kids, don’t do it. There are plenty of other things to do.

If you feel like it’s only been a few days and you’re already ready to rip out your hair, take a deep breath. No matter how inadequate you may be feeling in the moment, you’re doing fine. You’ve been thrown into the deep end of a pool and shouldn’t expect yourself to be an expert swimmer as soon as you hit the water.

After letting go of unrealistic expectations and being kind to yourself, my next suggestion is this:

  • Menu plan – you’re going to be cooking much more than you’re used to and you may be astonished how much kids who are home can eat! You and the kids will all be much more relaxed when mealtimes are regular and predictable. (I have dozens of weekly menu plans in my menu plan category.)

Seriously, this is really, really important. It doesn’t matter how simple or boring the meals are, just make it regular. Do this and it will feel like your home is functional. Don’t do this, and you’ll want to scream at the next person who tells you they’re hungry and asks you what there is to eat!

I’ll be sharing more thoughts in future posts, and am happy to respond to specific questions. I also have hundreds of posts in the homeschooling category of my archives that answer many, many specific questions about what/how/why of homeschooling and parenting. Feel free to browse that, looking at earlier posts first, to get some encouragement and practical suggestions.

Avivah

We are now a dog family!

Parenting, Trisomy 21

People tell me that things change quickly in our family, and I suppose that’s true. I seem like I make decisions fast and act on them quickly. And that’s true! However, what people can’t know if that I spend a lot of time thinking about things and researching prior to taking action.

Months ago when we talked to our kids about moving to northern Israel, one son was very unhappy about the idea. He asked if he could get a dog if we moved, and to ‘sweeten the deal’ for him, I said I would seriously consider it. Time went on and he realized that he’ll be too busy with school to be around much, so he retracted his request.

But I had already begun exploring the idea and saw the different ways that having a dog could be valuable for our family, particularly our youngest two. The more I thought about it, the better an idea it seemed to be. I’m a believer in integrating beneficial activities rather than turning them into stand alone therapy, and some positive benefits of pet therapy are a natural part of pet ownership. Responsibility is great, but my kids can learn that without a pet – but the calm and connection of a pet are wonderful!

For months I’ve been reading descriptions of dogs needing adoptive homes on various Facebook groups, but I didn’t speak to my husband until the week we ended up bringing our dog home. When I presented the idea, he agreed it sounded interesting – once we moved to our bigger house with a bigger yard.

One of the ideas I considered was fostering a dog for a few months as a trial for pet ownership. Another idea was buying a trained service dog that didn’t pass the test (available to those with special needs at a very, very reduced price). I liked that idea a lot, but the waiting list was six months long and closed when I called.

Then I thought about our needs, and realized that I really didn’t need a service dog. What I wanted was a friendly, calm, quiet and intelligent dog that could be trained to track our younger two children if necessary. (I haven’t really shared here about the challenges involved when a child loves to explore on his own and escapes every chance he has…this is a very common issue for kids with T21 and I am SO grateful that when Yirmi turned 7 this finally stopped being the serious ongoing concern it was for years.)

Though I think puppies are incredibly adorable, I had no interest in training a puppy (toilet training my kids is my least favorite parenting activity), which is a significant time investment. I wanted an adult dog that was already housebroken and whose basic personality was already known.

I had just left for a two day women’s trip away when I saw a particular dog listed whose description caught my eye. However, I didn’t contact them because I had no time to take the kids to meet a dog. And anyway, I had just brought up the idea with my husband a couple of days before.

However, when I saw the same dog posted on the morning after I returned, I noticed there was a good bit of interest in this particular dog, and thought I should at least call. So I did. At 1 pm Friday afternoon she called back.

After our conversation, I strongly felt he was potentially a great match for us, so at 1:30 on Friday afternoon, I spontaneously announced a family trip to Tel Aviv! This was a bit of a surprise to them all since I had only a few days earlier in the week casually mentioned the idea of getting a dog. By going at this time, I was able to take my husband and the five youngest boys (who are rarely all available at once), and off we went.

Within less than a minute of meeting the dog, everyone was clear – this was the right dog for our family! Even the kids who were lukewarm to begin were enthusiastic after meeting him. Shabbos began that week at 4:15, Tel Aviv was an hour drive away and it was a very rainy day, leading to a longer trip than usual. We got back home just 15 minutes before Shabbos but all agreed the spontaneous trip was very valuable. It’s one thing to theoretically discuss something; it’s completely a different discussion when everyone knows the specifics.

The morning of the first walk.

Shabbos was filled with lots of talk about how excited they were to get Sheleg (translation: Snowy, because it was snowing when he was born). We bypassed the time constraints of my busy week to come by returning to Tel Aviv on Saturday night to pick him up.

Don’t you love that blissful smile as Yirmi snuggles with Sheleg?

Just like that, we are now a dog family! It’s funny how things can happen so quickly but just feel right. Everyone agrees, he fits our family perfectly.

Enjoying a warm spring day together.

After seeing so many dogs listed, what appealed to me particularly about this dog? First of all, the breed. I was specifically looking for a labrador or golden retriever, because of their friendly, calm temperament and intelligence. Sheleg is a golden retriever (according to his paperwork from the vet, but I think he must be a mix because he’s smaller than the typical golden retriever). A huge plus for me was that he had been raised with a family who had previously run a home daycare. They were wonderfully responsible and loving owners, and he is a very calm dog who is used to being around kids.

I was open to adopting a dog from a shelter, but preferred a dog from a private home. Often dogs have experienced abandonment, abuse and trauma, and it takes time and patience to help them feel safe and secure. A stable dog from a loving home was a definite advantage.

I came home from shopping to this sight. 🙂

People keep asking why anyone would have given away such a great dog! The answer is, the couple who had him had gotten older and as their physical abilities became more limited, were unable to give him the life they felt he deserved. Neighborhood kids came by to take him out for walks (since the owners couldn’t do it); as much as they wanted to keep him, they felt it wasn’t fair to him to stay in a home with no porch or yard and very limited access to the outdoors.

However, they were very, very attached to him and despite a lot of calls expressing interest, didn’t feel good about any of the people who contacted them. They didn’t want money for him; their priority was that he go to a very good home.

When they met us, they had that same instantaneous feeling of us being a perfect match for what they were looking for, that we felt when we met them. She said a few times, she never dreamed she would find a family like us that was so exactly what they wanted for him, and as hard as it is for them, it gives them a lot of comfort that he will have a wonderful life. Every couple of weeks I send them photos. 🙂

Sheleg accompanies us on outings as well as to our weekly homeschool meetup at the park.

So Sheleg is now a member of the family and has slid into our lives seamlessly. He loves being with us and we’re all enjoying him, too. There’s something very comforting about having such a nice dog around.

Typical – he curls up to us as close as he can get, inside or outside.
One thing I wanted was to encourage physical activity for our younger two boys and walking a dog provides that, though at this point it’s more for Yirmi (7) than Rafael (3).

As far as additional training to track runaway kiddos, Yirmi is thankfully finally at the stage that it’s no longer a concern, and Rafael isn’t yet at that stage. So right now training isn’t something we’re actively pursuing. Especially since we’ll be moving somewhere with a lot more outdoor freedom, we like knowing we potentially have additional help keeping the littlest one from straying too far should we need it. 🙂

Avivah

Spreading goodwill though small acts of kindness – giving rides

Self-Growth

In the last year and a half since getting a car, I’ve given many people rides. I know what it’s like using public transportation, and when I’m driving, I keep my eyes open for those who look like they’d appreciate a lift.

That means noticing if someone is looking rushed, if they are carrying heavy bags, paying attention to the weather (is it very hot/cold/rainy? – on days like this people appreciate even very short rides).

I often stop at bus stops if I see a woman there (I only take women, unless my husband or an older son is with me) and tell her where I’m going, and ask if a ride in that direction will be helpful. Sometimes people shrug or ignore me, but most of the time people are happy for the help.

I’ve helped elderly women who are having trouble walking, people running late for appointments or to work, a bunch of people caught in the cold and rain, and a number of people who told me they had been waiting a long time for a bus that just wasn’t coming!

One night I gave a ride to someone who lost her bus card and didn’t know how she’d get home, then later to a couple of women who were neighbors; just a couple of days later when I stopped at a bus stop to ask a woman if she wanted a ride, she exclaimed, “You took me home two days ago when it was raining!” (I don’t generally recognize people I’ve given rides to since I see them so briefly and then am looking at the road when driving.)

My general boundaries for myself are that I will drop someone off at the bus stop closest to where they need to go that is on my way, but I’ve departed from my own rules at times to take someone to their destination. Sometimes that has been very much out of my way, sometimes less so, but I always check in with myself before doing it to be sure that I’m respecting my boundaries and doing it with a full heart.

Last week I gave someone a ride to a different city (to take a stranger over an hour out of my way at midnight was a departure from my guidelines for myself) and she was protesting that I shouldn’t do it. I told her, if I’m offering, you can trust that it’s really okay.

I love spreading goodwill through these little acts of kindness! Women are generally surprised but appreciative to be offered a ride; it’s so little extra time and effort for me but makes a difference to them. Even if it doesn’t help or they don’t need to go in the direction I’m going, it leaves them with a good feeling that someone noticed them and wanted to be of help.

It’s been an important lesson for my children as well – I tell them that it doesn’t take much to help others, just paying attention and noticing people around you will provide you with many opportunities. When they drive with me, they get to see that regularly.

Lest you think this is selfless of me, know that I’ve been the recipient of many heartfelt blessings that have been much more than adequate payment for my efforts!

Avivah

The day that Rafael was placed in my arms – 3 year anniversary

Foster Care, Parenting, Trisomy 21,

Today marks the third anniversary of the day that Rafael joined our family.

The foster care protocol was adjusted and bent and changed repeatedly to facilitate his arrival to our family. I shared about when we went to meet him at the hospital, accompanied only by his birth parents.

I didn’t write about the process of actually getting him, though. I shared pictures of his homecoming with all the kids holding him (go back and look again – weren’t they all so sweet?!?), but there were no pictures of me. All I referenced in the post was that it had been very draining. Very.

On the day we got Rafael we had another bending of protocol that added a huge emotional load to the experience for all of us. Instead of us picking him up from the hospital, he was checked out by his birth parents, who then took him to the offices of the foster care organization. It was in that office, accompanied by their social worker, our social worker, the head social worker, that both families finalized the agreement.

Finally the technicalities were completed. All that remained was to physically transfer the baby from them to us.

All that remained. As if that was a minor technicality.

No, it was all the reams of paperwork were the technicalities. The transfer of the baby was the most sensitive and heartwrenching experience.

His birth mother placed him in my arms, her eyes filled with tears. I don’t remember saying anything. What I do clearly remember is that they immediately left the office, and I turned toward the window overlooking the street, unable to speak for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart.

It was a moment of incredibly heightened emotion. We had so much anticipation of this little baby joining our family, but for me there was no happiness in that moment. In that moment, I saw only the heartbreak of another mother.

Through all the talking and paperwork, the baby slept.

We were told the baby needed to be awake for an extended period before he could be taken home. The ideas was to minimize trauma, so that he didn’t go to sleep on in one place and wake up in another, that there was some kind of preparatory transition for him.

This took quite some time. I don’t remember how long we were there, while the social workers observed us with him – more than two hours, but I don’t remember how much longer.

Not waking up, even after removing his snuggly warm clothing and repeated stimulation of all kinds (social workers in the background).


Moving his legs but still not opening his eyes.
Rafael looking tortured as I persisted in trying to get him to wake up.
“Ooh, look at you gorgeous boy, your eyes are open!” Hardly open, but open.

Once he was finally awake, my husband and I both held and interacted with him for a while.

We were at last allowed to give him a bottle, the final activity before taking him home. We couldn’t feed him sooner because it was likely he would have fallen right back asleep and he needed to be awake for an hour.

When we got home, all his siblings got a very brief chance to hold him. For the following week, he was hardly held by anyone but me. After having multiple caretakers for two months in the hospital, it was critical for him to bond with me and know me as his primary caretaker.

————–

Last week I had a meeting with staff at his school, and they commented that they never would have guessed that he wasn’t really my child.

He really is my child. While I didn’t give birth to him and he doesn’t (yet) legally share my last name, I couldn’t love him a drop more.

Rafael and his mommy, age 3.

I am so deeply, deeply grateful for the opportunity to parent this adorable ball of sunshine. It just keeps getting better.

Avivah

Our home in RBS is sold!

Self-Growth

When I first thought of having to sell our home, I dreaded the idea. It felt like so much pressure to have strangers in my personal space; I pictured the tension of scurrying around to get it spic and span for the people who would be walking through and noticing every corner. I felt stressed just thinking about it.

I recognized I was creating a negative picture and I was going to have to reframe this experience for myself if I wanted it to be any better than what I was imagining! I reminded myself that no one was judging me if the house didn’t sparkle, and if they did, it still had nothing to do with me. My job was to let my home be seen and to stay calm and relaxed during the time our home was on the market.

One day I thought about the connection and happiness that has been part of our life in this home, all the love and good energy that the walls have absorbed. I pictured a family moving in and enjoying the space as much as we have. Instead of worrying about when our home would sell, what amount we would get for it, what kind of terms, etc, I kept this image of a loving family enjoying our home at the forefront of my mind.

Our home was on the market for four months before we accepted an offer (a very low offer was made early on that we didn’t consider). Logistically, you could say that we didn’t have good timing, since we started the month before the fall holidays (when no one is buying), then there were three weeks of holidays (when no one is buying) and only after the holidays, the season officially opens.

Since our home was available when the market opened, we had lots of people interested in viewing it. However, though we got a lot of positive feedback, generally people want to view a lot of homes before feeling ready to make an offer and that was what we kept hearing – that people liked it but wanted to look at more homes.

I never allowed myself to think that our timing was bad. Instead, I focused on the thought that everything was working out perfectly for us and would continue to work out for us, and pictured it all coming together with perfect timing.

____________________________

This entire selling experience has been surprisingly positive (particularly for someone who dreaded it to the degree that I did). For the most part I didn’t feel pressured about people coming except for one time when I was told people were already waiting in front of our building. I was sick, and felt overwhelmed trying to do anything in those few minutes. However, this helped me clarify my boundaries and from then on I requested that we be given notice the day before. If I was asked on very short notice, I would only agree if I felt I could do it without stress for me and my family members.

So I was feeling good about well we were doing with this process.

Then one day, people were supposed to come to see the house, something that happened 2 – 3 times a week. One son cleaned up his part of the room before going out. He came home to find his brother hadn’t cleaned up his part of the room. He got upset at his brother and saying how messy it would be when people came, and then started crying from the pressure he was feeling. He told me he can’t take having people coming in to look at our house anymore.

I thought if a child would feel like this it would be as a reflection of my own tension. But I was actually pretty consistently calm and positive during these months; I tried not to put pressure on anyone to clean up to a high standard or in a rush or anything like that.

I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure, there was plenty of time for his brother to put his things away, and sent him outside to ride his bike until after the potential buyers left. But seeing his deep distress, I thought, “Hashem (G-d), it’s been fine until now but now it’s too much. It’s too much for my son. We need to sell now. “

That week some people came to look at our home. They came back a second time, then a third time. When they officially made an offer on the house, I told this same son about it before anyone else. He was so excited! He went out to a friend and walked in two hours later, still smiling broadly. I asked him why he was so happy, and he said, “Because now we don’t have to have people coming through our house anymore!”

_________________________

When we first considered the idea of moving to a different part of the country, it was kind of overwhelming. We would have to buy a new home in an unfamiliar neighborhood, sell our current home, my husband would have to find a new job, our kids would need to find different educational options…it was a lot to think about.

As we discussed more and more what we wanted, it seemed even more unrealistic. Specifically regarding the house, the two biggest points were wanting to stay until the end of the school year, and not wanting to pay a mortgage/rent on two homes. I could picture the sellers agreeing to us staying longer, but couldn’t think of a scenario in which we wouldn’t have to pay two house payments, since we’ll be completing the sale of our home in Yavne’el in March and staying here until the end of June.

I love when life reminds me that I don’t have to find the way to make what I want happen; I just have to know what I want and then turn it over for G-d to work it all out!

We signed a contract to sell our current home a week ago and the payment terms will make it possible for us to pay off our current mortgage around the same time that we will begin paying a mortgage on our new house. My husband and I marveled at how easily and perfectly things fell into place.

It’s now official: we will be staying in Ramat Beit Shemesh until the school year ends and moving to Yavne’el the beginning of July!

Avivah

Rafael is 3 – his first haircut

Parenting

Rafael is now 3! Where has the time gone?!? (If you’re thinking it doesn’t seem like three years to you, it may be because he joined the family when he was two months old. )

We had a family celebration and everyone got a snip at his first haircut. He is a very good-natured and fun little boy; the significant exception was every morning’s screaming session when I brushed his hair, so we are all very happy for him to have short hair now!

Rafael holding his ponytail the day after

My husband put together a repeating video slide show of Rafael that was playing throughout the evening on the computer; it was nice to see all the different stages and memories from the time he came home.

As always, it was SO nice to have all our our children together! After everyone left, my husband and I once again marveled at what a very wonderful group of people they are.

Our daughter in law, oldest daughter and second daughter.

The older boys enjoy singing together (they sung at the chupa of one of their sisters); ds21 playing the guitar while ds17 accompanied him on the harmonica, our oldest son is standing, holding his sister’s baby. Our two sons-in-law were shmoozing together to the left.

It took me two days to look at Rafael with his new haircut and not feel sad that my little baby is gone. He seems so much older all of a sudden! After that I got used to it and now I don’t even notice it anymore!

Avivah

Crafting my goal for the New Year and letting go of my need to be productive

Self-Growth

On Facebook I see many people showcasing their talents, work and testimonials in casual, chatty posts about loving the work they do and sharing the value they add.

Sometimes I look at that and think, “I should be doing that.”

However, even though it might bring me more clients, even though it would expand my impact and visibility, I just don’t want to do it. Not right now.

Even though it’s really nice to be out there, to be speaking and teaching and earning and contributing and recognized. Really nice.

A year and a half ago I made a decision to consciously step back professionally. My days were full – with the kids all day, then right from the dinner table I would leave to meet clients or go out to teach. I loved the work I was doing, I loved the connections I was making and the differences I was able to help people create in their lives.

I recognized, though, that with all that was happening in my life, I needed to increase my quiet space for myself. When I talk about how critical self-care is, I really mean it; it’s not a theoretical concept for me. What previously had been sufficient margin no longer was enough.

I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to take this extended step back from doing things that I loved and valued, and to be okay with not doing anything special in lieu of that work. Creating more margin for myself to be was something I knew was valuable but I still grappled with not having a commeasurate sense of accomplishment.

However, I stuck with this despite the ongoing discomfort I felt because I knew it was an opportunity for me to practice a higher level of self-acceptance, independent of my contributions to others. Without qualification, without needing to prove.

This has been so valuable. Yet there are still periodically those ‘I should do the things that other people are doing’ thoughts that pop into my mind.

To counter that, I recognized it would be helpful for me to clarify my goal for the year as a reminder not just what I didn’t want to be doing, but what I did want to do!

I picked up a book at a library sale last week called Simple Abundance. At the end of the foreword the author states: “I don’t have a million dollars in the bank, but I now realize that abundance and lack are parallel realities; every day I make the choice of which one to inhabit. Now I understand that all my hours aren’t billable; finding a quiet center in which to create and sustain an authentic life has become as essential as breathing.”

I so identified with this that I went back and re-read it several times. This sums up in a small way my inner process of the last few years!

And so, I’ve adapted and written on my vision page the following as my goal for the coming year:

“To maintain a quiet center, and continue to create and sustain an authentic life.”

I love getting this onto paper and unapologetically giving myself permission to keep this my focus!

Have you ever struggled between what you expect of yourself and what you really want to do? Do you have a goal for the coming year that is meaningful for you?

Avivah

The vitamin D hammer for the flu- boom!

Healthy Living, Intentional Spending

When my twenty year old son called from his dorm and said he was feeling so sick and achy that he was coming home, I knew he had the flu.

Just a few days before my son called, I happened to read a Pubmed abstract referencing the ‘vitamin D hammer’, a term and dosage that were unfamiliar to me. In it, the doctor writes, “A colleague of mine and I have introduced vitamin D at doses that have achieved greater than 100 nmol/L in most of our patients for the past number of years, and we now see very few patients in our clinics with the flu or influenzalike illness. In those patients who do have influenza, we have treated them with the vitamin D hammer, as coined by my colleague. This is a 1-time 50 000 IU dose of vitamin D3 or 10 000 IU 3 times daily for 2 to 3 days. The results are dramatic, with complete resolution of symptoms in 48 to 72 hours. One-time doses of vitamin D at this level have been used safely and have never been shown to be toxic.8 .”

(I’m including a link in case you’d like to see where this came from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4463890/?fbclid=IwAR1-aVcZEeMysIWUgOy0v1cMzb91L0-K74K5P12rtWRmitxM9wpZ-aIK3vs )

Of course I knew about the importance of vitamin D for the flu since years ago when there was the swine flu panic I did some research on that. And I’m very, very comfortable and experienced with megadoses of vitamin C. But megadoses of vitamin D? Not something I had done.

I went straight to the pharmacy to pick up some vitamin D so I could have some ready for my son as soon as he got home. I was told the only options in Israel were for 400 iu or 1000 iu; I usually buy 5000 and 10,000 iu per capsule online. So I got more than one bottle.

Five minutes after he got home, I gave my son 25,000 iu and gave my other kids 5000 iu for prevention.Three hours later he took another 25,000 iu before going to sleep.

He was really sick and I expected he would be in for a rough night, and sure enough, he was. But by the morning, he was feeling much better; within 24 hours, the achiness and fever were completely gone (though he felt tired). Within 48 hours he was completely back to himself.

BOOM! The hammer was a winner for us!

It’s not coincidental that the flu comes around seasonally when it’s cold and dark, and most of us aren’t getting much sunlight (sunlight being the natural source of vitamin D). I read somewhere that the flu could be called a vitamin D deficiency; if you aren’t deficient in vitamin D, you aren’t going to catch the flu.

The day before this I was in the doctor’s waiting room with someone whose two children were just over the flu, and she told me how hard it had been for her to have nothing to do but let them suffer and wait for them to get better. That’s such a hard feeling for a parent. It’s so empowering when you know how to speed up a child’s recovery from an illness!

The amount I gave my son was for an adult, and I was wondering what a child’s dose would be. The formula I found to work out a weight based dosage is this: multiply a person’s weight (in kilograms) and then multiply that by 1000 to get each person’s dose. This dose would be the amount to take daily for only three days, then stop.

(Vitamin D is a fat soluble vitamin, unlike vitamin C, so megadoses are only for when sick. This isn’t an amount to take daily for an ongoing period!)

I love finding easy and effective ways to deal with seasonal illness! My son was certainly grateful.

Avivah

Loving your child in the hard moments

Parenting, Self-Growth

I first discovered the song I Love Myself The Way I Am by Jai Joseph when I was hospitalized with burns to my entire face over five years ago. I listened to it a lot when I was in the hospital; I needed to hear these messages of loving myself as I was, at a time that I didn’t know if I would ever look normal again. (I shared the lyrics of the two stanzas that were especially powerful for me at the end of the post I wrote when I left the hospital.)

However, I didn’t continue to listen to it regularly, and when I recently rediscovered it, it was like finding a familiar wise friend.

The messages in these simple lyrics are so powerful and affirming. In the second stanza he succinctly sums up a concept I speak about a lot with clients and in my workshops.

“I love you the way you are
there’s nothing you need to do
When I feel the love inside myself
it’s easy to love you
Behind your fears, your rage and tears
I see your shining star
And I love you just the way you are.” (Jai Josephs)

In the last five years, I’ve done a lot of inner work focusing on self-love, and have experienced that when we can accept ourselves with all of our imperfections, this naturally filters into our relationships with our children (and everyone else in our lives). In every interaction we are always reflecting to others who we are, and the more forgiving you are to yourself, the more natural it is to be forgiving of your child. Since managing our own emotions are the hardest part of parenting, the more work of this sort a parent does, the easier parenting becomes.

While it’s valuable to do this kind of work, it doesn’t negate the need for something more in the most challenging moments! Often parents ask me how they can possibly be loving to a child who is acting in unloveable ways. How can you get past the frustration of the moment in order to feel your love for him, to communicate from a place of acceptance for who your child is?

The answer is to look beyond the behavior (remember, this is just communication) of the moment and reconnect with your love for him by appreciating the beautiful person he is at his core, to ‘see his shining star‘.

Yes, he has his challenges and unquestionably those are challenging for you to navigate, too. But if you can do this, you will begin to realize that this is the deepest, most powerful and effective thing you can do to positively impact your child’s behavior – even though on the outside it may not look like you’re addressing the behavior at all in the moment.

(It’s hard to shift to this approach because we want to feel like we’re activelydoing something to change the situation. But trying to control or manipulate the child’s behavior is counterproductive.)

We live in a world that is constantly projecting messages that focus on consumerism and competition; this song is a helpful reminder for me of the responses I strive for.

Avivah

Manifesting our newest car – combination of unusual features at an amazing price!

Intentional Spending, Self-Growth

Sometimes it seems there’s no way to get what you want within the parameters you’re working with. And then something like today happens and reminds me that I don’t have to try so hard, I have to allow things to unfold. It’s quite marvelous how what seems impossible can happen with so easily with so little effort.

A few months ago I bought a new car after my previous car being totaled in an accident. So why was I once again looking for a new vehicle?

Here in Israel there’s an interesting phenomenon: families with several children will often choose to buy a smaller vehicle that doesn’t seat all their family members when traveling at one time, rather than getting a minivan. When living in the US, I never heard of anyone making a choice like this, but it’s very, very common in Israel.

The reason this is done here is because the costs of buying and fueling a larger vehicle are significantly higher. Often, families will rent a second car to travel together during vacation but keep their daily mode of transportation a smaller and more affordable car.

We made a similar decision when we bought our first car over a year and a half ago. Though we’re a large family and in the US I drove a full size 12 passenger van, I mostly needed something to get around locally for errands, and for that a small car was fine. We have great bus transportation and sending older kids on buses if we don’t have room for everyone is an option, as strange as that might sound to those who don’t live in Israel!

However, with our decision to move to northern Israel came a realization that we would need a larger vehicle. (We didn’t know we’d be moving to the north when we bought the replacement car or we would have made a different choice.) Public transportation where we’ll be living is weak and having a couple more seats will make a big difference.

I didn’t want to leave the selling and buying of a car for when we’re moving since there will be plenty of other things to do, so I decided to do this now. Almost three weeks ago, I sold our five seater.

Prior to selling and since then, I’ve spent waaaaay too long reading every bit of data I could get on various makes and models. The more I read, the fewer choices I seemed to have. I wanted a number of features and when considering my very conservative budget, even a basic functional car of that size looked completely unrealistic. It as also complicated by the fact that every time I found something suitable, my husband would raise concerns.

I would have been totally discouraged and overwhelmed if I didn’t continually remind myself that somehow we would find something that would work for us no matter how unlikely it seemed. (And I also reminded my husband he could trust me to buy the car as I’ve always done it and it’s always been fine.)

The choices that were the most affordable, spacious and gas efficient were all made by French manufacturers. None of these companies have a reputation for long lasting/hard wearing vehicles, and I was concerned that my lower acquisition costs would be more than offset by ongoing repair costs. When a mechanic for one of these companies dealerships told me to stay away from them, that finalized my decision to look at other options.

I thought and thought and thought some more about what was most important to me, and finally edited my original list to the following priorities:

  • Japanese manufactured
  • well-maintained
  • decent fuel efficiency
  • non-diesel engine (because I want to convert the engine to run on propane fuel and diesel vehicles can’t be converted)
  • price below xxx shekels (this is so low that I don’t feel comfortable writing it :))

Last night I decided to look at a car model I hadn’t previously considered due to a concern that the very back two seats wouldn’t be be comfortable for my hulking sons. 🙂 When I checked out the listings online for sale by private owner (I don’t buy from dealers), one stood out to me among a number of listings for the same model, year, mileage and price.

Sometimes I get a feeling about things; from just the wording of the ad I’d be hard pressed to explain why one listing calls to me and similar one doesn’t. I do think there’s an element of logic mixed in with it; it’s not all based on my gut feeling.

This car had slightly higher mileage than most of them, but there was nothing in my price range that wasn’t high mileage. My biggest concerns about buying vehicles that were older and high mileage was that it we might have to replace the engine or transmission in the near future, both very big expenses.

One of the things I debated with myself is if it would be more financially prudent to spend more on a newer car upfront to minimize the possible repair costs. However, we would have to dramatically jump up in price and of course there’s never any guarantee that even a newer car with lower mileage won’t need expensive repairs – in my reading in different forums I read a number of worrying stories like that. So I stayed with my original low price point.

When I called about the car I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the engine had been replaced three months ago – there was no mention of this in the ad.

Both the wife who took my initial phone call and the husband who showed me the car were very honest and forthcoming with information. Before I went to check out the car, I was pretty sure that unless something was really wrong when I saw it that I would be driving it back home with me. 🙂

(When I buy a car, I’m buying in large part based on my feeling about the seller. Buying a used car is unpredictable and I need to trust the person who is selling it and what they are telling me. Yesterday I looked at a car and within one minute of meeting the seller knew I wouldn’t buy the car. Not because of the car, but because of the seller. )

It was only because of a specific question while test driving the car today that I asked that I learned that the transmission was replaced six weeks ago! In two conversations with the sellers, neither of them thought of mentioning that to me, even though that was a very positive factor in favor of the car.

After the sale was completed, I looked at my long list of things I wanted that I had put aside so I could focus on the basics, and I got every single thing. Every single one.

Here’s the longer list:

  • Seller location – since I was traveling by bus to check out the potential options, I was hoping to find something not too far from home even though I was looking online at cars across the country. These sellers listed their location as the city where the wife works, which would have been very time consuming and difficult for me to access by public transportation. Another reason I shouldn’t have called them. They live just a a 25 minute bus ride from here and that’s where I saw the car.
  • Roof rack – knowing we’d have a small trunk, I wanted to have a space to load up for trips
  • Trailer hitch – this seemed an unlikely feature to find in the class of vehicles I was looking at but a previous owner had it installed
  • Tinted windows – this cuts down on the heat quite a bit in the summer and one of my kids requested it
  • Driver seating position – I prefer sitting higher up to have a better view, with my legs more vertical than horizontal
  • Head space – my last car didn’t have much and I missed having that
  • Feel of driving a car rather than a minivan
  • Propane system – this was complicated because I didn’t want to spend the money to put in the system on an old engine, and I didn’t want to buy a car already converted since a poorly done conversion can shorten the engine life. In any case, only a very small percentage of cars are converted to run on propane. This car had a propane system installed by a reputable installer, then it was reinstalled on the new engine.

This last point was the one that made the entire buying effort seem impossible. I wanted a newish engine already converted to run on propane by a reputable installer that I recognized (which totals three names in the entire country) at a ridiculously low price, or as a very much less appealing distant second option that I almost don’t want to mention because I really didn’t want to do this, a car so cheap I could afford to replace the engine and put in the propane system (adding lots of aggravation and at least 11,000 shekels to my purchase cost).

Was that situation with the propane alone extremely unlikely? Yes. Combined with all these other things, it was very, very, very unlikely.

And yet, that’s exactly what I got!

How could I have gotten all of this for the very low price I had budgeted?

Here’s an amazing bit of synchronicity regarding the price! (This is when in my house I burst into song, G-d Loves Me!!! Yes, I really do that.No, my children don’t always deeply appreciate my constant singing about everything but that’s the mother they have. :))

After having their vehicle on the market at fair market value for a month and not seeing movement, the sellers decided to get it sold and dramatically cut the price yesterday. It was last night when I decided to consider this model and saw the listing.

They listed it for 100 shekels less than my budgeted amount (remember, with none of the information about the very recent and expensive work they had done – they just wrote ‘excellent condition’).

I heard a statement somewhere (I wish I remember where so I could credit it): “Whatever you are looking for is looking for you.” I felt that so much with this purchase.

No, the car isn’t perfect. I didn’t have that on either of my lists! But it’s a really good fit for me and it’s been really wonderful to see this manifest in this way.

Avivah