All posts by Avivah

17 years later – “You won!”

Homeschooling

As a homeschooling family, we’ve had plenty of positive feedback over the years, but we’ve also had our share of criticism and naysayers.

One of the critics was a rabbi of synagogue in a city we moved to when my oldest was 9. He was a sincerely good person who was concerned that we didn’t understand the dangers of the homeschooling path. He warned us that our children were likely to end up unhappy, dysfunctional and religiously ‘off’.

I strongly disagreed and told him so (respectfully, of course :)); though he periodically would try to convince my husband of the error of our ways, our children continued learning at home. I knew he said what he did from a desire to be of help to us, and didn’t take it personally.

Fast forward 17 years. My oldest son and his wife were visiting the US last week and my husband asked my son to give his warm regards to this rabbi when he saw him.

So he did.

After my son introduced himself and shared a brief update on our family, the rabbi exclaimed, “Your father won!!!”

winning

My son had no idea what he was talking about and asked him what he meant. The rabbi explained, “I tried to talk your father out of homeschooling and told him how you kids would be ruined as a result. But he was right, he won!”

I’ve been quite happy with my choices and how our family has developed, and I don’t expect those with a different perspective to validate my choices.

But let me tell you, it was soooo validating to hear that comment!

Avivah

 

Break free of your limiting beliefs – Step 2 towards your best life

Self-Growth

To recap from my last post: I got deep clarity about my need for nature during my two days away at the Sea of Galilee; then I came home and wanted to share my newly awakened awareness with my husband.

I prefaced my comments by telling him that I wasn’t suggesting in any way that we take action of any sort, but I just wanted to be heard regarding something important to me.

He listened to me attentively as I then shared all that I shared with you in my last post, but in more detail. When I finished, he looked at me and said, “I really hear what you’re saying and that’s a real concern. So what do we do now?”

That was completely not what I was expecting.

Let me explain. Over the last few months, I’ve been uncharacteristically restless and have conceived various ideas with the hope that we find somewhere else in RBS where we could have either: more garden space/more indoor space/quieter neighborhood/somewhere with a view.

Every time I shared one of these ideas with my husband, he would shake his head and say, “We’re not going to move just to have a view of some trees.” Or, “I think we have enough space and we don’t need any more.”

I assumed that hearing yet more about my restlessness wasn’t going to be something he’d be very receptive to, despite his willingness to listen to each of my schemes. And so I was very taken aback by his response.

I rushed to once again reassure him that we didn’t need to do anything. But he was already thinking aloud about what possibilities there were.

My response? Complete stonewalling. Because as far as I was concerned, there were no possibilities that existed for us.

“We can’t move. We can’t leave here. Our kids are happy, it’s convenient for our married kids to visit, we can’t start over again.”

We can’t, we can’t, we can’t.

This is a place that I got mentally stuck for quite some time. I wanted something more but simply couldn’t see how it was possible. It felt selfish of me to move our family for my preferences and I couldn’t get past that.

It wasn’t until I began to consider the potential benefits to our children that I was able to slowly change gears. I started to think, ‘If living somewhere more expansive was good for me, maybe for similar reasons it would also be good for my children.” Hmm.

Hmm.

I slowly released the story I was telling myself about how unhappy everyone would be if we moved and started considering something different:

  • my married kids (they would visit less often but perhaps they would stay longer if we had a more comfortable space to host them);
  • my middle kids, ages 20, 18 and 17 (they all have one foot out the door into the adult world so it would affect them less);
  • my next three boys (they would love the increased outdoor time),
  • and for my youngest two, I really didn’t have any significant concerns (other than legal ramifications of moving with Rafael to a different district regarding foster care).

Changing my ideas about what I can have, what I am worthy of, believing it’s possible…this was hard.

What was incredibly striking to me after I was able to move into possibility thinking was how much the limitations in my  life were created…by me. It was my belief that I couldn’t have more that shut the door on thinking about how to create something better.

Avivah

Get clear on what is most important to you – first step towards your best life

aliyah, Self-Growth

This week marks eight years from the time we arrived in Israel!

Living here is something I continue to be very grateful for.  Though it has become my normal I don’t take it for granted.

When we were considering making aliyah, my husband and I went through a lot of soul searching, clarifying our highest values and getting ready to act on that decision. We spent a month intensely hashing it out, and five months after making the decision, were on the plane with eight children ages 2 – 18 (one child preceded us).

It was a very intense period. There was so much internal work and external actions that needed to happen for it all to unfold as it did.

At that time I didn’t share much of our initial discussion about the idea of moving to Israel, because I didn’t know if we would actually decide to make the move. Then once we made that decision, I didn’t share much because I didn’t know how it was all going to work out. We experienced soooo much personal growth at that time; I later regretted not sharing any of it here because it was a powerful experience for us as individuals and as a couple.

Right now I’m going through another deep exploration of goals and ideals, and this time I’ve decided to include you in my process while I’m walking through it. Even though I prefer to share afterward when it’s all clean and neat and wrapped with a bow. 🙂

Although I don’t yet know how it will work out – and that makes me feel vulnerable when talking publicly about it – I hope you’ll find value in this.

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About seven weeks ago, I attended a beach festival for women on the shores of the Sea of Galilee.

As I sat there by the water, gazing out at the beautiful view, my entire being simultaneously expanded – and contracted.

I was filled with a deep peace and gratitude to be there; I literally felt as if I was filling up my parched soul with the beauty and stillness of nature.

But I was also filled with a deep pain of longing and sadness, craving more of this experience of nature in my day to day life yet knowing that I couldn’t have it. Yes, I go on regular nature hikes with other women, I take my children on outings to national parks, I love gardening and have plants all over my yard and my porch.

And as I sat there, it became so clear to me that…it’s not enough.

It’s not enough.

It’s not enough.

Over those two days away, I had a lot of time to think. I spent much of the time reflecting, gazing at the sea, the sky and the mountains in the distance. I had several great conversations with like-minded women, listening to how others navigated this wantingness and not- havingness.

Over these two days, something became crystal clear to me. Something that I’ve pushed down and pushed away and denied and minimized for years.

I don’t just love being in nature. I NEED to be in nature. And there is a voice crying out inside that I don’t have that in my life to the degree that is optimal for me.

Never have I even considered making this preference for a more pastoral setting to be a primary criteria for any decisions about where to live. In fact, I’ve always made choices to be in larger urban centers, based on the belief this will provide my children with the most opportunities, socially and academically.

This small voice was like an inner child, trying for years to be heard but continually ignored or thrown a small bone – an outing, a new plant, an early morning walk in the park. And finally, with everything in my life thank G-d going smoothly, this little voice seemed to be saying, ‘There are no other big issues to be focused on or distracted by. So NOW can you listen to me?!?’

When I moved to my home four years ago, I was blessed to be living on the outskirts of the neighborhood, with a large open valley opposite my home. I commented a number of times to my family that G-d found us the perfect home because even in a larger bustling community like this, I had the beautiful calming sense of nature being close by.

I loved just standing on my porch, hanging laundry and seeing that view. I didn’t need to physically explore the valley – seeing it was enough.

I was told there were no plans to develop the area opposite our home. However, it wasn’t long after we moved in before down to the right and over to the left, the valley began to be cleared for different building projects.

Then the large earth moving tractors and dump trucks began to make their daily appearances, all day long – right across from me. Then nonstop hammer drilling began, continuing for many hours a day, for months. Noise that left me feeling jangled and out of sync.

And then across from me higher up just a little in the distance, yet another building project began. I felt like everything was closing in on me – from the top and bottom, from right and left, yet I told myself repeatedly, ‘How wonderful, more Jews living in the Holy Land!’ I meant, it, too, and continued to be grateful for the home that I have.

But.

Four years later, the somewhat quiet bypass road on the edge of the community that I live on has been expanded to a four lane boulevard that has constant foot traffic and vehicle traffic. Lots of people wouldn’t mind this, but I am me and I do mind it.

It’s in so many ways a fabulous location, central to buses, synagogues, and a beautiful huge park that people visit from all over (even outside the city) is less than a five minute walk away. I have great neighbors, and our apartment itself has many features that are hard to find all in one package. Not to mention all the work we did to expand the space that makes it a great home for us.

But as I gaze at the landscape that has been so dramatically transformed I often wonder, ‘What am I doing here???’ This busy, energetic bustling pace is great for many but just not in sync with the person I am.

So where does that leave me? This is the question that kept pounding at me for those two days and I felt anguished that I couldn’t think of a solution – I couldn’t pretend anymore that it was fine for me and I couldn’t think of how to change the situation. Such a difficult experience for a person like me, who really believes you can have the life you want if you’re willing to be honest with yourself and take appropriate actions.

Finally, I came to some inner peace as I realized that I don’t have to have an answer. All I have to do is sit with my increased clarity and let myself accept that yes, nature really is very, very important to me. For me, it’s much more than just a nice view to look at.

I gave myself permission to sit with this awareness, and to accept that it doesn’t have to lead to any actions at this time.

Just honoring my own wants and desires and recognizing how deeply important they are to me is a huge step, an act of respect and honoring of myself, and I felt a sense of inner quiet returning by the time I returned home.

I tend to be a person who is quick to act, so it’s also very healthy for me to not take action, not need to do something, and just feel the feelings.

I considered sharing about this inner conflict earlier (I actually wrote this post a month ago), but thought that the lack of being able to resolve this neatly and quickly would be unappealing to my readers. But you know what? This is the reality of life.

Clarity isn’t easy.

It takes courage to feel your feelings, it takes courage to know that you want more than what you have, and it’s uncomfortable to sit with that feeling and do nothing.

Some of my most significant life decisions were preceded the discomfort of not feeling in sync between what I wanted and what I had.

Next up…the discussion with my husband about this newfound awareness when I got back home.

Avivah

Live your life with intention – dare to follow your own path

Homeschooling, Self-Growth

Years ago, I took my children to Northwest Trek wildlife park in Washington state. We loved it so much we went back the very next day.

The second day was drizzly and cold, and as the rain started to fall, the number of visitors grew sparser and sparser. Our kids had coats with hoods and the rain wasn’t too heavy, so we decided to stay in line for the tram that would take us through the areas where the animals were living in the wild.

This ride turned into a rare treat! Thanks to the rain, we saw an abundance of animals that were usually sleeping or resting out of sight. The docent accompanying the few of us on the tram told us it was very unusual to see the number of animals that we saw, and to see them being so active. It was a special opportunity, and we only had it because we were willing to do something different than most of the people around us that day.

We humans have a tendency to scan to see what others are doing, and then we act accordingly. We want to do what others are doing. It gives us security and provides a feeling of comfort.

But so many of the best opportunities aren’t found when you line up in the same place, at the same time, in the same way as everyone else.

A friend of my husband’s who is a business consultant advises entrepeneurs to zag where others are zigging, to look for the opportunities to do something different than what others in the field are doing, because that’s where the opportunities are.

It’s true in every area, definitely on the home front. If you want to live a life like everyone else, do what everyone else does. If you want to live a life of higher satisfaction and alignment with what you care about most, be willing to zag when everyone else is zigging.

In the summer of 2000, we made the choice to homeschool our children. I jumped off the well-trodden path that everyone around me was following, and it was downright terrifying. I was so worried about doing something so different from everyone else. What would people think of me, what would they say about me?

And most of all, how could I be seeing an opportunity that others didn’t see? If they weren’t acting on it, it must be because there were major potholes in my path. After all, if there was something good to be gained, wouldn’t everyone want it?

That fear lasted until I made the jump into the pond of my own making. Once I was out of the rushing mainstream currents, I was able to see how refreshing the water in my pond was. How calm and relaxing it was, how easily connections happened within our family.

As the years passed, I continued to notice how many people were living lives that were very limiting for them (their assessment, not mine), and how poorly served they were by continuing to do the same thing as everyone around them. I came to the deep conviction that in any venture or endeavor, following the crowd is usually not where deep fulfillment lies.

Recently a young family shared their plan to move out of the city they live in despite their comfortable lives. When I asked them why, they said they want a different pace of life, a different kind of life for themselves and their children. They’ve sold all their belongings and are getting ready to explore the possibilities, taking action to move toward what they value most.

Another woman told me they’re moving from Ramat Beit Shemesh (where I live) to a much more affordable area in the south, because currently they are ‘house poor’ and want to restructure financially in a more healthy way. When I told her it was a courageous thing to leave a place she has lived for so many years and start again, she responded that it just made sense. True, I told her, maybe it makes sense but most people would be afraid to take the dramatic step she is taking.

There’s something about living in integrity with yourself that is very powerful. We have only one life to live, and at the end of my life (which I hope will be very, very long!), I want to look back with satisfaction and gratitude for the choices that I’ve made.

It’s painful to be filled with regrets, to wish you had done something different but didn’t act out of fear – of leaving your comfort zone, of doing something different than those around you or even doing something different than yourself in years past.

Over the years, many people have shared with me how their children have struggled in school, but they’re afraid to homeschool because they don’t want to be different or because they’re scared of the unfamiliar.

Totally understandable – but sadly, the child and parents are still left with the struggle.

When we stuck to our budget, living within our means and refusing to use credit cards to artificially extend our spending power, people told us how smart that was. But they couldn’t do that, they said, because their children would feel deprived or they would look poor compared to their peers.

If spending to impress others and going into debt is zigging, I’m happy to have zagged.

My quality of life has been immeasurably higher when I’ve been willing to do what was right for me, no matter what when everyone else was doing. Those choices weren’t made with the intent to be different from others – in fact, being different has been uncomfortable for me –  but I was willing to experience that discomfort in order to experience my highest good.

Have you zagged in some area of your life, and if so, how did you benefit? Is there some area that you want to experience something different but don’t know how to go about it? If you’d like support with that, feel free to set up a session with me and I’d be glad to support you!

Avivah

My new car purchase – even good transitions can be sad

Self-Growth

Three weeks ago, I stopped at a crosswalk for a pedestrian waiting to cross and was rear ended at high force by the car behind me. Fortunately, the pedestrian wasn’t in the middle of the crossing, as my car was knocked forward into the crosswalk.

Also fortunate was that I was the only one in the car at the time. I got whiplash, which passed pretty quickly, and since then have had a nonstop headache, which obviously hasn’t passed at all. I need to make an appointment to deal with that.

As the result of the accident, my car was declared totaled since the insurance company said they would rather give me the value of the vehicle than pay for repairs that would amount to more than half the value of the car.  The car still runs and the damage is mostly cosmetic, but it made sense for us to accept their settlement and look at the accident as a way that G-d is upgrading us to something better for us.

Today we bought our new (to us) car – it’s  four years newer, 120,000 km fewer, more storage space, more features than our old car. The seller was a pleasure to deal with and it was a good experience all around.

But…right after we bought the new car, I got into it car and I was surprised to feel sadness wash over me. My old car wasn’t perfect; it was almost 14 years old and had high mileage, it had a non-working passenger window and cosmetic imperfections but I was so happy with it. Everything about it felt just right for me.

Sitting in that new car, I didn’t feel happy. I felt like it didn’t fit me. The front seating felt wrong, there was too little headspace… and I just felt sad.

There’s nothing wrong with the new car – truly, it’s a step up in every way and later on I was really able to appreciate how much nicer it is and really enjoy driving it. My sadness in that moment (it actually lasted for a few hours) was because my old car was familiar to me, so it felt perfect for me. It was the newness of the new car that felt uncomfortable, though my mind was trying to make up excuses (seating, head room) to explain that discomfort.

I was thinking about how true this is of life – there can be better and more expansive opportunities available to us, but we so often don’t reach out for them because they are unfamiliar and don’t feel good right away. We think that uncomfortable means bad.

It doesn’t.

Sometimes this desire for the familiar results in staying in emotional patterns that aren’t productive, in relationships that are unhealthy, or even keeping belongings that no longer serve us well.

My daughter-in-law commented yesterday that she thinks it’s unusual to make changes rather than settle for the status quo, and she sees that’s something I consistently do. It’s true that I am willing to do new things and make different decisions regardless of decisions in the past, but it’s not because I like change – I like stability and familiarity as much as the next person, maybe more!

However, I’m willing to allow myself to have a more expansive life and to do that, it means expanding my comfort zone. Sometimes it’s just a matter of giving myself time to process the change, to feel whatever emotions come up and to sit with them, and then I’m ready to move on.

By the way, I planned to buy a car from someone else, who called yesterday to say they changed their mind about selling. He said it was part of the family so long they can’t let it go.

And then when I drove with the seller of the car that I actually bought to take care of the transfer of ownership, she commented that she felt very emotional. She was selling because a family member was giving her a car that was more upgraded than hers. So why was she sad?

Because even good transitions are hard.

Avivah

Give your child the gift of boredom!

Parenting,

This week I had a very frustrating meeting with the staff at my two year old son’s daycare. For thirty minutes, we all discussed his poor outcome for this past year and all agreed  he needs something very different for the coming year.

What upset me was a concluding statement.

Even though he hasn’t done well in this framework, I was strongly urged to send him for the rest of the summer because ‘it’s better than nothing’.

Putting aside the implication that being at home is the same as doing nothing, and also putting aside the clearly demonstrated fact that he did much better when exclusively at home – why is there so much resistance to allowing a two year old a summer break to do nothing?

Our society is losing its way. We are moving towards non-stop movement, faster and harder and do more, at younger and younger ages. As we adults do this to ourselves, we’re doing the same to our kids and the biggest problem is that we think it’s not only okay but desirable.

A couple of weeks ago, I spent two days at the Sea of Galilee. It takes time when getting to a quiet spot to let the stillness seep inside, but if you give it enough time you’ll gradually feel your inner wrinkles unfolding and smoothing out. I cherish these long blocks of unscheduled time to recenter, to get in touch with what matters most to me, in order to build my best, most meaningful life.

When I came back from the two day retreat, I shared some of the thoughts that gelled during my time away with my husband. That led to a really long, thoughtful conversation. My husband commented, “I’m always amazed when we have enough quiet time to talk at the things we can get clarity on!”

That’s the power of inner quiet for one’s self. Followed by quiet space for a couple.

But what about our kids?

It’s getting progressively more difficult to find quiet in our world of non-stop stimulation. Especially for kids, whose lives are becoming packed with school and extracurricular activities.

Maybe it’s because we can’t see all that is happening inside when a child is bored that we don’t appreciate it. We want to see and quantify the benefits our children experience, but the benefits of boredom aren’t immediately apparent.

When we take away the space for our children to be unscheduled, we also take away the opportunity for them to find the quiet inside themselves.

Boredom is where intrinsic motivation begins.

Boredom is first base for discovering interests that may – or may not – turn into passion.

Boredom is the seed that creativity sprouts from.

Daydreaming, staring into space, lying in bed gazing at the ceiling – something is happening inside even if we don’t see it.

beach 2019 - r sitting

They start thinking more deeply. They start feeling more deeply. They start getting in touch with themselves, with their likes and dislikes, with their internal worlds.  They develop their imaginations. They build confidence as they are allowed agency over important parts of their lives.

The more you entertain your kids to keep them from feeling bored, the less able they become to manage themselves. They will need more and more outside support to keep themselves busy as they get older, not less.

I want my children to take responsibility for filling their own time – I’m around and available to talk and interact with, but I’m not the activity director. My child’s boredom isn’t my problem to solve – it’s his.

In my house, if you tell me you’re bored chances are I will very quickly offer you something to do – sweeping the floor or washing dishes is usually my first offer. I don’t usually make many other suggestions. Amazing how quickly they decide they can find something that will interest them more!

Now is when I’m supposed to wow you with the impressive list of accomplishments of my kids thanks to their boredom. You know, the businesses they built, the money they earned, the prodigies they became. Um, no.

Because even if they did all that (they didn’t), that’s not the point. The reason to let your kids be bored isn’t because they’ll do lots of awesome things once they start to direct their own time. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.

The reason to let your kids be bored is to give them a chance to just be, without any pressure or obligation. Lots of good things flow from ‘nothing’!

spring hike 3 boys resized

Give your child the gift of boredom. He deserves it.

Avivah

Yay, summer is here and the kids are home!

Homeschooling, Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

The summer is a busy time of year for our family!

This is a little roundup of what’s going on around here.

A couple of weeks ago one son turned 17, our first married couple celebrated their two year anniversary, a day later my husband and I celebrated our 27th anniversary, two days ago was my oldest granddaughter’s first birthday, yesterday was another son’s seventh birthday, and tomorrow my oldest son will turn 26! I’m so thankful for it all.

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It’s our first official week of vacation and it’s so nice to finally be free of most of the external schedules! I had a mini debate with myself about sending Yirmi (now 7!) to the school sponsored summer camp program – there was a ridiculously small fee and the bus there and back was available for no extra charge. Even though the program would finish at 12:45 daily and it would have been fun, I opted to keep him home for the entire summer.

It’s so nice not to have to get him ready first thing in the morning, sending him off when he’s fresh and getting him back after 4 pm when he’s exhausted and out of sort. He’s a great person to spend time with. And it feels like vacation to me not to have to get going so early in the morning!

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It seemed that I wouldn’t be allowed to take Rafael (2.5) out of his daycare program for the summer. Don’t ask. It has been one big headache and I continually just turn this over to G-d and ask for His help in gracefully navigating the system. However, this week a therapist gave me a heads up that independent of the administration’s threat not to allow him to come back next year, the therapists don’t think this is a  supportive environment for him and suggest finding a different place.

Now that I know he won’t be continuing at this daycare for the coming year, if I can cut down his summer attendance they can’t threaten me with kicking him out of the program.  It’s the silver lining of the whole daycare situation right now.

What I’d really like to do is keep him home for the coming year, and that would unquestionably be the best thing for him. I’m sure we would see dramatic improvements in every area. However, as a foster parent I don’t get to make that choice. The only option I’m left with is an intensive therapeutic program.

There are many lovely things about that program and if I’m forced to send him there I’ll focus on those things, but I have to tell you honestly that my heart is clutching at all of this. I’m being told he’s not progressing fast enough and the answer is more therapy. But he doesn’t need more therapy, what he needs is more attachment.

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Last week I attended a two day beach festival for women in Tiberias on the edge of the Sea of Galilee, and it was wonderful! So relaxing and maybe most important, I had extended quiet to reflect on some things that are important to me and discuss them with others. From there, I spent a lot of time considering how to integrate more of those things into my life.

The more I have the courage to ask myself what I really want my life to look and feel like, the more clarity I have and then I can take actions to move closer to that goal. It’s extremely empowering.

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On my bucket list for the summer are getting hearing aids for Yirmi. It’s taken a year to get to the point that he’s been approved for the hearing aids, and hopefully in the next month we can get all the necessary appointments for this taken care of. He’s done amazingly in his first year of school, and think how much more he’ll gain next year when he can clearly hear what is being said!

Another important item that I want to take care of during the relaxed summer months, is to begin the process of palate expansion. It can be uncomfortable and make speech less clear, so I opted not to do this during the school year. Yirmi works hard enough to keep up and do all that is asked of him without piling on another challenge during the school year!

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In other news, my 18 year old daughter applied to a seminary that seemed to be a perfect fit for her, and wasn’t accepted. When someone contacted the administration to find out why, they said that due to her homeschooling background, they are concerned she won’t be able to get to classes on time and manage the schedule.

That is so completely ludicrous for someone who has been managing her own schedule for a long time (no parents to wake her up and remind her to do homework); she has much more self-discipline than the average high school graduate. It was very frustrating  that they didn’t bring up this concern in the interview and give her a chance to respond. Instead, they made an assumption based on whatever their ideas about homeschooling are. (Clearly not very positive, as they said, “We aren’t like your family who does whatever they want – we act in accordance to rabbinical guidance.” This is an example of when I have to set my ego aside and focus on supporting what my kids need. )

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My seventeen year old son has decided he wants to leave high school early and go directly to a post high school yeshiva, where he will be able to pursue full-time Torah study. I’ve been somewhat on the fence about this, and despite his repeated comments to the effect that I’m not supporting him, I’m actually very open to the possibility. However, I want to know that he will be attending a yeshiva that will be a good match for him, and finding that match is still up in the air.

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Oh, have I told you that I’m going to continue homeschooling ds10 and ds11 for the coming year? I’ve been meaning to do a post on that for many weeks. After feeling very burnt out last summer, I decided this school year was going to be our last year of homeschooling. But as time went on and I regrouped, I found myself remembering what I love about homeschooling and how it continues to benefit them. Prior to that, I could only see all that I wasn’t doing and was focusing on that.

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Some little random odds and ends of summer stuff…

I took three of the boys to an archeological dig, where we uncovered the original mosaic floors from a 1500 year old church – educational and fun. It was a great experience, and I’d love to share pics but they don’t want the public to see the finds yet. (They’ll be officially introduced in the fall.)

We’ve been continuing exploring the closest national park and in addition to new playgrounds. Yesterday we had a great time at a birthday party for my granddaughter in Jerusalem.

The pool is getting lots of use. Even Rafael (2), who refuses to go in, is enjoying it – we hung the bucket swing over the pool so he can swing and and dangle his feet in the water while the older boys are playing – he loves it!

And that’s the update for now!

Avivah

Staying positive when dealing with frustrating bureaucracy and seeing good results happening!

Foster Care, Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

Yesterday I received the wonderful news that Yirmi (6) has been approved for an additional year of gan safa!

A month ago, after returning from a week at the beach with my family I wrote: I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

Now that there has been some resolution of some things that I was dealing with, I’m going to share with you a glimpse of the back story to the above statement.

For months Yirmi’s school placement for next year was been hanging in the air. Although he was accepted to a mainstream first grade for the coming year, neither I nor any of the professionals assessing him thought putting him in traditional first grade at this time was the best option. However, I was told the likelihood he would be approved for another year of gan safa was almost nonexistent (due to his age). 

Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan
Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan

I went back and forth for weeks, trying to determine what the best course of action would be if he wasn’t approved. Should I send him to first grade, should I officially homeschool him, should I refuse to send him to school and unofficially homeschool him, or should I legally fight for his placement? I spent so many hours of wresting with this and wasn’t getting much clarity on what decision to go in!

I finally decided a few weeks ago that if he was denied gan safa, I would unofficially homeschool him and simultaneously legally fight until he got the appropriate placement. I then felt confident that he was going to go to gan safa one way or another!

And now he’s been approved without any drama, without any fighting, and with plenty of time before the coming school year.

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While dealing with the above, I was simultaneously advocating to get Yirmi changed to a different school bus. The escort on the bus regularly yelled at the kids and threatened them. When I complained, my concerns were verified and she was called in and given a warning. I was told to come back if the problem continued.

Of course the issue continued and I pulled Yirmi off the bus, taking him back and forth daily for weeks. When I went back to the municipality to report that the issue was still a problem, the person at that office (who had been on vacation when I initially dealt with this) adamantly told me  there’s no issue, no one else has complained, and clearly I’m the problem – because I don’t know how to communicate and ds6 is too sensitive.

In spite of that that hostile initial response, my concerns were again very quickly verified but no action was taken. I began to feel that something supernatural had to happen because it seemed that looking out for the emotional safety of the children involved wasn’t anyone’s focus but mine.  While I waited to see this official three weeks later, I repeatedly asked G-d to give me the words to open her heart so she would want to help me.

He did. 

I asked her if she had checked into my concerns and she said she had. What had she found out? I asked, knowing the answer. “That you’re right.” After a bit of back and forth with me being very low key and not speaking with even a hint of blame or hostility for their position until that point, she looked me steadily in the eyes without speaking for a full minute. While continuing to look me in the eye, she picked up her phone and called another bus escort to notify her that Yirmi was being shifted to her route, effective immediately. I had been told for months that this was impossible. One 60 second phone call and it was done.

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Then, also at the same time, I was informed that a report was sent to (or from? – no one will tell me who wrote it) social services that I bring Rafael to his daycare between 9:30  – 10 am, and when told he is missing his therapeutic interventions as a result of my tardiness, told them I don’t care. Since this was completely false (he’s always there between 8:30 – 9, in time for breakfast as per their guidelines), I assumed some obvious mistake had been made and it would quickly be corrected. Instead I was told there was no mistake, that everything that was written was true and I’m the problem. (Do you notice a pattern in official responses ?)

Since then they’ve admitted that they wrote incorrect information in the report (no one is saying it directly to me, of course, but they admitted it to my foster care social worker). However,  now that I’m on their radar it seems they want to create an issue, and I was told they will deny Rafael admission to their program next year unless I agree to leave him there for the full day program.

IMG-9294

Background to this discussion: After five months in daycare this year, his development had stalled so obviously that no one could deny it. At that point I began picking him up at 12:30 daily rather than letting him stay until 3:30/4 pm. Within a week he became happier, much more active, involved in activities at daycare, his development restarted and he’s now doing fabulously. Every single professional at the roundtable evaluation meeting in Feb. agreed that it was because of this decision of mine to pick him up early that he was doing so well.

Before I ever registered him for this program in Feb 2018, I asked them when the actual programming took place, and asked if there would be a problem if I picked him up when this programming was finished.  I was clearly told that the program takes place between breakfast and lunch, and as long as he’s there for that stretch of time and we pay the price for the full day, there’s no problem with me picking him up early.

Suddenly I’m being told that it’s a problem that I pick him up early because he is missing the benefits of inclusion. My social worker spoke to her supervisor and told me that they know how well Rafael is doing and understand my concerns, they know that I was told it was fine to pick him up early (they verified with the head of the daycare) but the foster care agency has to insist I comply and send him for the full day next year.

May 2019 at beach, age 2.5
May 2019 at beach, age 2.5

For a couple of days after I received the notice of the report I was very bothered. I was so upset, not that they made a mistake, but that they wouldn’t admit to their mistake. I was sorely tempted to pull him from the program for the coming year but due to foster care guidelines and demands I am left with no other viable options. Finally I took a mental step back and said to myself, I am not giving my power away. This feels real and intimidating but it’s really not. I have a choice how I choose to think about this.

It was good I had a chance to emotionally address this within myself since then I didn’t get upset and frustrated when being told about this new issue. I’m not going to feel stuck and powerless to make good choices for my child, I’m not going to tell myself how threatening and bad this is for Rafael . I’m completely sidestepping this power play.

I’m continuing to believe in the good will of all involved – truly, these are all nice people with good intentions – and trust that it will all work out for Rafael’s highest good next year. 

Avivah

Get out into nature – stop making excuses and just do it!

Homeschooling, Parenting, , ,

Exactly a year ago, we bought a car and one of my intended purposes was to get my kids to these spots that aren’t accessible without private transportation.

There’s no question it made my life easier in a number of ways, but getting into nature?

It only took me a year to do that.

Sometimes I mentally make too big a deal of something and then as a result I procrastinate. Sometimes for a very, very long time!

In this case, I told tell myself I needed a big block of time. I needed the weather to be perfect. I needed to be well-rested, the kids needed to be well-rested. They needed to have finished their reading and math and for the house to be left perfectly clean. And the laundry had to be hung before I went out.

No surprise that all the stars in my sky never lined up, right?

And I didn’t go anywhere.

Finally last week I realized I was making it way too complicated and hard. Getting out with the kids into nature was important to me, so I asked myself what would make it easy to do. I realized that going out first thing in the morning would be the best option for me. Otherwise, my day gets filled up very fast with other things that need doing. The urgent things very quickly crowd out the deeply important things, because the important things don’t claim the limelight.

Earlier in the day is also when I have the most energy; by the time the afternoons roll around I’m tired and just want to do as little as possible!

I told my ten and eleven year olds to quickly grab water bottles and anything else they want to taken if they wanted to come with me on an outing. At 8:30 in the morning we were out of the house (along with my husband, who happened to be home sick – I convinced him he would feel better if he went with us :)).

Fifteen minutes later we were driving up the mountain of a national park. I pulled into the second play area that I saw, and I really didn’t have any agenda of how we would use our time. My only limitation was that we would stay just two hours since it was a very spontaneous outing (I thought of it about 7:15 that morning) and I had other things scheduled that I needed to be back for.

In any case, in the spirit of keeping it simple and easy to do again, having a two hour window was a good thing.

The boys brought their readaloud and interestingly, the first thing they did was ask my husband to read to them. (They’re reading Watership Down by Richard Adams. As we drove past a farm on our way, one son commented, it’s like ‘The King’s Lettuce!’ and we all knew what he meant. I love how reading together gives us common references! )

My husband reading out loud with the boys
My husband reading out loud with the boys

Ds11 is definitely a child who enjoys movement. Can you spot him listening to the book in the picture below?

british park reading 2

Other than the swing that was there, they didn’t use any of the play equipment. It was nice to see that they were equally happy to hike around and to sit together, reading comics and doing brain benders.

(By the way, do you know how wonderful it is to have a child who has struggled with reading say, ‘Reading is fun! Can we get a membership to the library?” And then go the library on his own, get a membership and check out the books that he took with us. I heard his younger brother, who is also a late reader, reading with him and asking him what sounds a couple of the letters make. Learning happens all the time, especially when we aren’t looking or trying to make it happen. Every child on his own timeline.)

british park 4

My husband thanked me for encouraging him to come, and several times commented how much better he was feeling. Of course! Fresh air and sunshine are natural healers – how can you not feel better outside?!?

To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed! Doesn't he look like he's feeling better here?
To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed!

I wonder sometimes if when we get sick, if our bodies are forcing us to slow down since we don’t proactively make opportunities for relaxation?

My husband went off on a mini hike with ds11, who particularly enjoyed the challenge of walking over a fallen, partially suspended log.  While he was off in the woods, I took the opportunity to sit under a tree and read. That was after I had gone off on my own for a while for some time to breathe.

Yes, I know we all breathe all the time but it’s different when I can consciously allow myself to slow down inside and just be in the moment. That’s something that I find very, very centering. Since living in alignment with my values is so important to me on a daily basis, it’s critical to have that quiet space to stay in touch with my inner compass.

british park a

It’s a wonderful feeling when you do something that is deeply resonant with your personal priorities. We all enjoyed every minute, and I am very much want to schedule more of these opportunities into our days! It’s not easy for me to do, but it’s not as hard as I’ve made it seem to myself, either. Mostly it’s a matter of scheduling it in as a priority and working the smaller things in around it.

It’s amazing how relaxing just two hours can be for everyone when we’re in the beautiful outdoors!

So my message to you – keep it simple and just do it! Don’t get into the mental trap that I slipped into.

Whenever you can, however you can, get outdoors. It doesn’t have to be for a long time, you don’t have to have tons of food packed, you don’t have to leave your house neat, you don’t have to find the perfect location.

Really, keep it simple or you’ll find a zillion excuses to keep you from getting outdoors!

Avivah

(PS -since I know someone will ask 🙂 –  this was at British Park.)

Getting the kids outside this summer!

Homeschooling, Parenting,

I was caught by surprise when I realized that school will be ending really soon and somehow the summer is already upon us!

What am I planning for the summer?

Right now I have no plans for camp for anyone. As positive an experience as I think camp can be, I want our kids to enjoy the freedom of waking up when their bodies are ready (my six year old leaves the house at 7:10 and my 13 year old leaves just ten minutes after that) and having lots of unstructured time for them to fill, in as relaxed and leisurely a way that they want to.

You know the old fashioned way that kids used to play? Outside for hours and hours? That’s what I want to encourage. I’m so appreciative that in Israel there’s more of an outdoor culture than in the US, but nonetheless, getting your kid outside for extended periods of time isn’t a given even here.

Here’s some of what I’m planning for:

Bike riding – We’ve gotten ds10’s bike tires pumped up and filled with a material that makes the tires resistant to being popped by thorns. Last week we bought ds11 a new bike (well, to be accurate, we bought it with him since he paid for almost half of the cost himself).  We did a check to be sure everyone’s helmet was in good condition, and replaced the one that wasn’t.

Swimming – Last year due to renovations we didn’t set up our pool, but this year the boys have already got it set up! I’m waiting on the arrival of one replacement pole and then we’ll move full steam ahead to getting it filled up and in use. There’s nothing like getting in the pool on a regular basis to improve swimming skills – and most importantly – it’s fun! Fun is when all kinds of learning happens.

These pools aren’t expensive – the one we bought used in the US was something like $50. I got a new one in Israel on sale for 700 shekels (4.5 meters long x 2.2 meters wide), and then bought the upgraded filter since the one that came with it was pretty much useless. Cheaper than even a few weeks of day camp for the boys (here the cost runs about 900 shekels for three weeks per child), and it makes our home a more inviting place to spend time in and to have friends over.

I haven’t discovered the secret to making my home the preferred hangout of my kids and their friends, which I think is a good thing. But having fun stuff to do is definitely helpful.

Playgrounds – There are so many playgrounds in our city that I haven’t ever set foot in! A couple of weeks ago we visited one my kids had been asking about for months, and had a great time. We usually stick to the parks closest to home, so I’m planning to venture out and get to know other parks and playgrounds this summer.

Nature exploration – Our area is a short drive from some very beautiful natural areas. What I want is to get the kids out in the sum, in the forests, in the shade, climbing over rocks and tree branches, balancing on logs and getting filled up with the quiet of being in nature.

The book Last Child in the Woods, by Richard Louv, is a wonderful reminder of how important it is for children (and all of us!) to be outside. As childhood moves increasingly in the direction of being sedentary, solitary and dominated by screens, it becomes a conscious effort for a parent to get the kids moving, outdoors and connecting with others.

It’s worth it, though. Play outside is so healthy and so beneficial in so many ways. Developmentally, socially, emotionally…there are so many ways kids stand to gain by putting aside all the structured activities and giving them a chance to be bored, to find new interests and explore the world around them.

Play is how children learn best and the more we can encourage that play, the more they will learn! From a homeschooling perspective, I’ve believed this for many years. When my son with Trisomy 21 was born and I jumped into research about the developmental needs of kids with special needs, I was delighted to found that play continues to be the way to go.

So there you have it, my very simple and basic summer plans! Low key, low cost, low pressure.

While this will be supplemented by indoor activities, maybe a few trips, stuff like that – this is really where my focused intent for the summer will be.

Avivah