This week there was a fire on the mountain opposite us. The kids excitedly ran around exclaiming over the airplanes that circled around repeatedly to put the fire out. It was interesting and fun…and it didn’t lead to meltdowns of any sort.

Eleven months ago, there was a fire on the mountain opposite us. You can read here to see the sensory overload I dealt with at that time in the same situation. SO much has changed.

The twins are doing remarkably well. Last week I began to write about the changes we’ve seen but detailing some of what we’ve done throughout this year to move the needle forward for them and thinking so much about how they were then left me so emotionally exhausted I had to stop writing for a few days.

Impulsivity – neither ds nor dd had any stop mechanism in them when they arrived. If something flashed through their mind, they did it. They didn’t have a concept of requesting to do or have something before grabbing it and using it. There was no thought of consequences. This is where the destructiveness that I’ve written about came from.

I’ve worked on this a lot with them, slowing them down and talking through what they’re about to do, and asking them to consider what will happen next. It’s amazing that often ds6 will now check with me before he does something – amazing that he knows there are things that are questionable and perhaps shouldn’t be done, and amazing that he thinks to check in with me first. They’re both dramatically less impulsive, though they’re still described by teachers and therapists as highly impulsive.

Thinking skills – ds had none. Literally, he didn’t have the ability to think at all. It was only impulse/reaction, all the time. He would ask repetitive questions again and again and again, not processing the answer. I believe that due to trauma his brain was shut down and this is why in the extensive educational evaluation done when he was living in his previous foster home assessed him as borderline mentally retarded. He needed to be taught to think.

Creating safety and security is critical for the brain to turn back on, and the underlying intention of everything I do and how I do it is to create a sense of security for them. In addition to that, I actively helped develop his cognitive skills. He now he asks questions and processes the information, and then will ask the next question, which takes into account information he previously received. I’m hoping to see a jump of thirty IQ points when he has his next educational evaluation at the end of the summer. (I don’t think an IQ test is the most valuable litmus test of intelligence but it will to some degree reflect his cognitive development.)

Emotional presence – in the beginning weeks, ds’s body was present but not his mind. I could talk to him and see his eyes looking at me, but he wasn’t there. Was he disassociating, was he used to shutting down inside to protect himself? I’m guessing he was. Many times I would talk to him, note the vacant look in his eyes and wonder what had to happen for him to be able to process what I said. It took time and it didn’t happen all at once; it was a slow waking up emotionally but he’s been present emotionally consistently for months.

About a month ago he suddenly shut down in kindergarten (there was no change in his behavior at home), and his teacher said, “I don’t know if you can understand what I’m talking about, he looks at me but he’s not present.” Oh, believe me, I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Socially distancing behaviors – the children didn’t have normative behaviors; they were always doing the best they knew how but they didn’t have any idea of what normal or appropriate behaviors were. It took me weeks to realize that ds was trying to be endearing and funny when he repeatedly said the same words in an irritating tone. Some behaviors like this one were only mildly annoying but others were very off-putting (to protect their privacy I won’t describe those) and caused people to sometimes look at them with distaste. Now people regularly describe them as cute and sweet.

They were both demanding, unappreciative, always wanting more and never satisfied with what they received. They’d use whatever they got for a few minutes before tossing it to the side, then demand something else. There was a lot of modeling and practice of appropriate ways to speak. They now generally request things politely – on the off time they say ‘Give me,’ I look at them with a quizzical expression and they immediately self-correct. They voluntarily express appreciation, even for small things ; we went to the store to get a loaf of bread, and on seeing it on the shelf, dd spontaneously said, “Thank You, Hashem, that we found bread!”

When they arrived they were extremely emotional and reactive; dd was given to outbursts of shrieking, crying and throwing herself on the floor multiple times a day. Now she’s much, much calmer. This kind of outburst is uncommon and if it happens it’s when she is overtired or overstimulated. She accepts not getting her way fairly graciously and is usually kind and patient with others.

Ds would get angry, yell and strike out, also multiple times a day; as with dd, I’ve spent a lot of time validating his feelings, given him a voice, giving him words to express himself, and giving him practice in using those words. I have low tolerance for hurting someone else. Now I usually only see these outbursts on days he goes to school and they are much less intense and short-lived. At school they tell me he’s the best behaved of all the boys.

Fear – Ds was extremely fearful and wary; even now after a year in our low conflict environment he jumps if we move too quickly near him. A couple of weeks ago I reached across him when they were getting into pajamas to get a clothing item for him, and he flinched as if I was about to hit him.

For the first time, I asked him, “Did you think I was going to hit you?” He laughed as if that was funny and confidently replied, “No”. While consciously he knows we won’t hurt him, his nervous system is operating at a subconscious level and is still calming down. I try to stroke his cheek or pat his back frequently when I walk by him, to get him used to small sudden movements in his vicinity that are positive and loving.

Ds’s biggest issue was a behavior I was told was due to anxiety; that disappeared when he came to our home. Before they came when I met with social workers who were detailing what was involved with the twins, they told me about this and asked how I would handle it. I responded that if a behavior is a way for a child to reduce anxiety, it seemed to me that relieving the child’s fear that drives the anxiety would be the most important thing to do rather than focus on the symptomatic behavior. That’s been how we’ve handled this issue as well; I surmise that initially he found more helpful outlets for his anxiety in our home and didn’t need to resort to less effective stress relief, and later, he didn’t experience the fear and anxiety that had previously triggered the behavior.

I’ve written before about ds’s infantile talk, body movement and self-identity as a baby. He still sometimes speaks in a baby voice but usually it’s when they’re playing family and he’s the baby. When he came he grunted and pointed a lot instead of speaking; he no longer does that and speaks in full sentences. His mincing exaggerated baby walk/ran have been replaced with beautiful full body movements. His spindly little legs have turned into muscle. And most importantly, his self-identity has completely changed from being a baby to being big.

The two biggest issues we dealt with for dd6 was her attachment disorder and a food compulsion.

Attachment disorder – I wasn’t given a name for the the disorder but disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) is a very good match for the behaviors we saw. I wanted to calm the inner anxiety that manifested as a frantic search for connection with anyone and everyone she saw. (People would say, “Oh, she’s so friendly, how cute.” It was not cute, it was dangerous.)

My approach to addressing this was for dd to bond to me as her primary attachment figure, for her to know that someone was consistently there for her to take care of whatever her needs were. I gave her tremendous amounts of physical and verbal warmth, always trying to provide it before she solicited it. I limited connection to anyone outside of the family for quite a while because being with people she wasn’t yet attached to caused her to exert a lot of energy to make people like her. She’s still warm and friendly but now she’s very appropriate in her behaviors with strangers.

Food compulsion – Food scarcity is a common issue for foster children. Dd6 had classic behaviors of stuffing her mouth too full, eating too much, and constantly asking about when she would get food. I ordered the book Feed Me, Love Me by Katja Rowell, which details how to implement a responsive approach to eating specifically for foster and adoptive children. The book didn’t arrive until after the twins came and it was so extremely busy that I didn’t get very far in the book for a long time. Fortunately, the research I had done prior to reading the book, the bit of the book I did read and my instincts were enough to set us on a track for success. When after nine months I finally sat down to read the entire book, I was gratified to see that we had handled this well.

As I stated, my underlying effort is to create a foundational feeling of security for the twins. When the guardian ad litem came she asked me detailed questions about how I addressed the food obsession, which was no longer present by the time she visited. She asked me how I would handle a child who wants food right before a meal. I responded that now we’re no longer dealing with the food scarcity issue and clarified if she was asking how I would handle the request now that there’s no active challenge in that area. She said that’s what she wanted to know.

I explained that I make sure to offer food before the kids request it, have a lot of food on hand (I put a plate of snacks for them on the island for them to take whenever they want as soon as they get home from school), and am very relaxed about the kids eating between meals. If they want something else, they ask me if they can have it and generally I say yes, unless it’s ten to fifteen minutes before a meal. The GAL was furious with my response, and fumed, “What kind of people are you, that children have to ask for food?!” I was bemused that there was so much hostility expressed toward me about an issue that was no longer a problem. Regardless of her opinion, what we did was very effective in calming the anxiety that dd had around food.

Fear of being left alone – both dd and ds were terrified of being left alone. They needed me to be emotionally and physically present all of the time. Our doors were damaged to the point of requiring replacement because they kicked them repeatedly when I closed them to get dressed or go to the bathroom (which I tried not to do unless someone else was around to be with them for those few minutes). I’ve shared before that dd couldn’t bear the separation involved with me taking a nap or even not looking at her; she needed me to be awake and interacting with her all the time.

This little girl who frantically clutched me if she saw me begin to walk out of the yard (obviously being cared for by someone else at home when I needed to go out), now tells me she wants to walk from the car and into kindergarten all by herself. She skips ahead of me when we’re walking to shul, and I have to caution her not to go so far by herself! She waits patiently if a door is closed for it to be opened.

She used to seek constant contact and touch (it was labeled as obsessive but I don’t find it beneficial to negatively label behavior in that way), but she doesn’t do that anymore. Sometimes when I ask her if she wants a hug, she’ll say no. For a child who seemed insatiable in her search for physical and emotional connection, it’s just remarkable to see that she feels ‘full’ inside and can refuse loving contact.

Physical coordination – Dd was very clumsy; she would fall over herself a few times in an afternoon and was constantly crying about getting hurt. We spend a lot of time outdoors and all of the outdoor play gave her many opportunities to develop her physical abilities. It took her a long time to figure out how to coordinate herself on a swing, but now she does it effortlessly. She climbs, jumps, runs, swims – and rarely falls down and hurts herself.

Speaking English – Many people who hear the twins speaking to me in English assume they came from an English speaking home. No, not at all. The next assumption people make is they learned English via immersion in our English speaking home. That’s also not true. We switched our entire family to speaking only Hebrew when the twins arrived to increase their feeling of safety by understanding everything that was being said in their vicinity.

People have commented on how surprising it is that they’ve learned so much English in such a short time. My goal was that at the one year mark, I’d be speaking to them completely in English. I’m not quite there – when there’s something complex or corrective with ds, I speak to him in Hebrew to be sure he understands, and as I continue teaching new words every day I give the Hebrew translation. For the last couple of months I’ve reminded my husband, teens and married children that they can and should speak to the twins in English now. Our youngest four children got used speaking Hebrew to one another and still speak to each other almost only in Hebrew. But for the most part we’re back to being English speakers at home again.

That’s a summary of the last year! Despite the unexpected frustrations of dealing with the ‘system’ and the day to day challenges, it’s overall been a good experience for us all. Dd no longer asks me when they’re going to live with another family; they see themselves as family members and so do we.

Knowing that people may read what I write and consider doing foster care, I have to add a cautionary note that to see these results in this time is very unusual. (This is part of the issue the GAL is having with us – since she’s never seen this kind of result in thirty years, she doesn’t believe it’s possible.)

We’ve taken an unusual position of having the kids home as much as possible (home for three of the first four months, I don’t send them to camps, I regularly take them out of school for ‘vacation’ days when I feel they need more home time), combined with a trauma informed parenting approach. Also, just because we’ve gotten this far and the kids are doing well doesn’t mean the hardest behaviors are behind us. Trauma behaviors can show up out of the blue, even after years.

Avivah

Here we are, a year after dd6 and ds6 arrived at our home. In some ways this year has gone so quickly but at the same time, it’s been full of intensity and opportunities to stretch myself as a human.

Last week I had a meeting with the therapist who I’m mandated to meet with for parenting guidance. Since neither of us feel that would be a beneficial use of our time, what she’s instead helping me with is to navigate the logistics of dealing with a system that seems more adept at making life difficult for foster parents and foster children than supporting them. I need to build a paper trail to protect myself when the next committee meeting takes place, and these meetings are an important part of that.

I didn’t know when I first met this therapist that she was the expert involved from the first day the twins were removed from their biological home, who provided guidance and direction to the social worker in their first foster home. I assumed on meeting us it was her first experience with them.

She’s made a couple of comments that indicated she knew much more about their background than I do. At our last meeting she said something more specific about the harm they experienced than what my statements to her would reflect. I told her I specifically asked about details regarding their background before they came, and was told they didn’t experience what she seemed to be referencing.

She replied that she understands why I was told that, because it’s not written in their paperwork outright. She explained that she’s seen every report and evaluation on the twins from the time they were removed, and combined with her expertise with the foster care system and knowledge of who the parents are, she is able to fill in the blanks of some aspects of their previous home life. She told me the reason I was given for their removal is only a contributing factor to a child being removed, never the exclusive reason.

She is working on writing a detailed narrative that will accompany their file to fill in these blanks so all the professionals involved better understand what their history is. Right now the official story is much more mild than the reality and that is important to correct because there is currently active discussion taking place about letting the twins visit their parents outside of the supervised environment that they now meet in.

A number of times I’ve wondered what was the cause of their significantly delayed emotional and intellectual development. The background described to me didn’t seem to account for what I was seeing. The therapist’s statements confirmed my suspicions that the home environment was much more damaging than I was told.

I’ve been told by several people involved that the twins’ situation is considered unusually complex, and this therapist told me the only thing that gives her any hope about them is that they came to our home. She is matter of fact and even understated when she speaks, not given to hyperbole. She stated it was “a literal miracle that that they were placed with you, because you have the capacity to hold all of their complexities and there are very few people who could do that.” I understood she wasn’t using the word ‘miracle’ casually or lightly.

She went on to explain that eighty percent of children in Israel who are removed from their families are placed into institutions. (In most countries the statistics are reversed; eighty percent go into foster homes and only twenty percent go into institutional care.) This would have been the expected placement for the twins. She said that absent the emotional care that they need to heal, many children from hard places become sociopathic and end up in closed institutions/mental wards; this is what she described as the predictable trajectory for the twins if they hadn’t come to us. She soberly concluded, “When you agreed to take them, you saved their lives”.

Obviously there was a lot I didn’t know when I was approached about taking the twins, but what I felt then and continue to feel is that this is the mission that G-d sent us. At times it’s asked more of me than I wanted to give and at times it’s been more gratifying and enjoyable than I anticipated, but from the very beginning and every day since I’ve felt we’re partnering with G-d.

Avivah

Sometimes I wonder how foster parents can work outside of the home. I have so many meetings that I simply wouldn’t be able to do all that is necessary if I weren’t home full-time. When I exclaimed over last week’s five meetings and this week’s four meetings to my husband, he asked me if it was more than I bargained for when we took the twins.

I thought as a foster parent for over six years when they came that I knew what was involved, but their situation is much more demanding than I anticipated. He asked me if I ever regretted agreeing for them to come to us. I told him that the hard parts are balanced out by the children’s progress being much better and faster than I expected. While I believe in the amazing power of connection in healing, I didn’t dream that we would see the gains we’ve seen in the time frame they’ve been with us. No, I don’t regret having them come even though their situation makes demands of me in ways I didn’t expect.

Two of last week’s meetings were with therapists for each of the twins.

Dd6 has weekly play therapy sessions; two weeks just her with her therapist, the next week I join her, the following week my husband joins her, then we both meet with the therapist the week after.

Her therapist doesn’t usually write reports but is making an exception for us due to the need for documentation that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. Before going over the report, she told us that while she doesn’t in any way condone the skepticism and hostility of the guardian ad litem, she understands the challenge the GAL is having in processing who we are and what we’ve done for the kids.

She said that in over twenty years she’s never met parents like us in her professional or social spheres. She detailed many things she’s seen us do and how we do them, and said she keeps asking herself how we can be real, how is it possible for parents to do all that we do.

Her feedback for my husband was that he does well with dd and while she can give him some tips, it’s not necessary. He’s glad for the opportunity to get some guidance because there are behaviors that are typical for foster children that are hard to navigate that make it unpleasant to be around them. The therapist said he doesn’t need lessons from her, that I understand how to interact with them, but there’s something nice about a neutral person being the presenter of information. (Prior to this meeting, when my husband came home from his first session with dd he commented it was striking to him that the therapist sounds just like me when she speaks to dd. Since this meeting, he’s consciously paying attention to the way I communicate with them.)

I found it fascinating to hear the interpretation of dd’s play as it relates to her inner world. She explained that children don’t talk about their feelings; what they do is transfer their feelings onto the items or toys they interact with and it’s by observing what they say and how they play that their inner feelings are revealed.

For example, for several weeks dd took paintbrushes from one container and transferred some of them to another container, each time explaining that the brushes are moving to a new house and are happy in their new house because it’s good for them there. The therapist explained this is an expression of dd’s feelings of being happy about moving to our home.

She also noted that when dd played with a mother hamster and her baby, she put them each in different containers, stating that it’s good for the parent and children to be in different houses (alluding to her bio parents).

I didn’t have this awareness before of what play can reveal and am now listening with a more attuned ear to the things that the children say when they play.

In her report she stated that overall dd’s emotional health is good. She is impressed with how far dd has come in such a short time (she said she wants to learn from me what I did), and attributes it to her having received therapeutic parenting around the clock from the beginning.

She also commented that dd6 feels very secure and trusting of me, and this is remarkable after such a short time (eleven months feels like a long time to me but the therapist said this is a very short time to see these results).

Something else she talked about is how highly effective an emotional regulator I am for dd. Sometimes I feel self-conscious that to a casual onlooker I might seem controlling or nitpicky with dd (and ds6 as well), when in fact she needs a lot of external help regulating herself. It’s a reassurance to know someone is seeing what I’m doing and recognizing how powerful and important it is, rather than thinking I’m too strict. I’m very consistent and clear with dd about boundaries of all sorts, all the time.

It’s nice to hear expert feedback like this. Someone recently asked me about foster care and I stressed that while your average child can tolerate sloppy parenting, foster children can’t. They need skilled and specific parenting that takes into account their trauma background. It’s not enough to be a nice and well-intended person. That person kind of dismissed my comments and I realize that what I do to untrained eyes doesn’t look much different than being a nice parent. This therapist was able to recognize many purposeful things that I do with dd that are helping to facilitate her emotional healing, and it was validating to have that recognized.

I’m hesitant to write the above since it might seem that I’m tooting my own horn, and for that reason didn’t share the full report as it regards to me. I’m extremely grateful and gratified that dd is doing so well and it’s wonderful to be able to to be part of the process. But what I’m doing isn’t magic that only the lucky few have access to. There are ways of effectively interacting with children that can be learned.

Avivah

I’ve been struggling lately with some things going on after the last committee meeting for the twins. I can jokingly say that parenting by committee is not for wimps but honestly it’s so defeating that last week I felt like quitting – not because of the kids and the complexity of their issues, which I feel capable of dealing with, but because of the system.

Recap: the kids are doing amazingly in every area by everyone’s (sometimes grudging) opinion, far better than anyone expected, and certainly not in nine months. Their emotional and psychological health was given token attention at the committee because they needed to focus on what’s really important.

Dd’s bedroom – it must be pink, have two pictures on the wall and a rug between the beds. I already bought the sheets (with unicorns and rainbows), curtains and rug and am still looking for suitable wall hangings. While it looks cute, as I was hanging the curtains and changing the sheets there was resentment instead of pleasure to have been dictated to in this way. I was warned by someone who knows the person involved, who said she can and will pull the kids if we don’t do exactly what she said.

The other complaint was that dd’s clothing drawer needs to be better organized. I don’t think I previously mentioned that our visitor had all the kids open their closets and drawers for inspection when she came. Even though she had asked specific questions about how dd gets dressed and knew that dd chooses her clothing herself (with my guidance to make sure things match) and therefore jumbles her clothing in the process, this is something I’ve been told needs to be corrected. It’s frustrating because I already organize her drawer every day or two when I put clean clothes in, and the focus on this drawer when the entire house was neat and the boys’ drawers were organized is ridiculous to me.

Those were the official complaints. Sounds good? Let’s continue.

Onto the bio parents feedback. They see the children once or twice a month for an hour during supervised visitation. I was surprised that they acknowledged that the kids seem to be doing very well; I didn’t think they would have that level of awareness even though the change in the kids is visible.

When they spoke to the committee they claimed the children have dirty fingernails, ds smells like urine, they wear clothes that don’t fit properly, they don’t bathe regularly and I don’t tend to their appearance. I was taken aback when I heard this but more shocked that what they said was being considered as evidence.

Ironically, all of these claims were what was said about them and documented for months before the kids were removed from their care. My husband and I both believe they’re trying to make a case against us because they want to get the kids back, and these are things they know are a problem.

We not only have a thirty year history of parenting visibly well-cared for children, we’ve been foster parents for seven years and had monthly social worker visits and school checks all that time. Not only have we never received a complaint, but I get regular compliments on how cute dd always looks (people don’t usually comment on boys’ attire). The teachers have all told the social worker the kids are always clean and dressed appropriately, and dd’s teacher filed a report in which she stated that dd’s hygiene and clothing was at the highest level – which the social worker has seen herself every time she’s done a school or home visit.

None of the facts matter, and I was perplexed why the statements of the parents were being taken as evidence of my neglectful care, particularly in light of their own history. It’s typical of bio parents whose children are in foster care to be very critical of small details; that’s a known phenomenon. But why is the positive testimony that contradicts these false claims being ignored?

It also seems irrelevant how amazing the progress of the children has been.

We are now mandated to have twice monthly meetings with the social worker with a walkthrough of our home each time. Previously she came once a month. We had a walkthrough once before ds7 came as part of the approval process, then never again. For the twins, we had a walkthrough/inspection prior to them coming, and then again when the guardian ad litem came. So having inspections twice a month is out of the norm, particularly when there was nothing wrong except the two points above (lack of pink and the jumbled clothing drawer).

Our social worker is embarrassed to have to do this and has told me though it’s completely unnecessary she has no choice.

Additionally, the guardian ad litem is planning a surprise visit. She will come unannounced when the kids are home and expect a walkthrough of our home on the spur of the moment. We have no idea when this will be.

This has been very stressful to think about, as she has a very critical eye and no tolerance for a mess, regardless of the circumstances. You can imagine if she was upset about the lack of pink sheets and the clothing in the drawer when the house was very neat, what she’ll say when she comes into an actively lived-in home during the most hectic hours of the day.

I don’t understand how this is legal – in the US, police can’t enter the home of suspected criminals without a search warrant. But I haven’t done anything wrong …and still have to have this imposed on me? Having this person in my home feels unsafe to me.

I told my social worker I can’t understand why I’m being treated with suspicion despite all the evidence to the contrary. It just doesn’t make sense.

Since we’re also now being mandated to have parenting classes every other week, I set up a meeting with dd’s therapist. She called our social worker to find out what is going on and thanks to her, learned something that made the puzzle pieces fall into place.

I knew that my social worker was holding back on things this person said about us (before she ever met us ) from a couple of comments about hoping this person could let go of her prejudices once she met us. At the end of our meeting, our therapist explained that the legal rep won’t believe any of the feedback of teachers who see the kids daily because they are all religious, and “It’s known that charedim have a low standard of hygiene.”

This seems to be why what the parents said is taken as factual – because it supports her bigoted beliefs about religious Jews. It’s clear to me that the truth is irrelevant and nothing I do will change her perspective. In fact, I think she’s looking for something that will validate her strong opposition to us before the kids came, to prove to everyone that she was right to not want them here. She thinks we’re lying and so is anyone else who says something in support of us.

I’ve been feeling angry and frustrated and distressed about this for over a week. I’ve tried very, very hard to see everyone involved in a favorable light but at this point there’s not a bone in my body that believes that what is good for the children is the priority.

I’m being treated like an employee who has to do what she’s told, but social services is the last ’employer’ I’d want anything to do with if not for my desire to help the children. I don’t have a voice at all, I can’t say anything to defend myself or explain during the committee meeting – everything is decided on and then handed down to me without my input or clarification.

Generally I move away from dysfunctional people and unhealthy situations and minimize engagement; I don’t try to defend or justify myself. Now I’m forced to deal with an unhealthy system that I’d rather stay far away from, and I find it upsetting that I have to detail how often I bathe the kids and wash their hair, how often I cut their nails, explain that I dress the children in clothing that fits appropriately, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been tempted to take a picture of the coats I put them in and contrast that with a picture of the oversized coats the parents gave them that will fit them in a year or two (They claimed they had to buy them coats because what I gave them was much too big.) Or to ask the supervisory social worker to note in her report that she has yet to send in, that ds never smelled like urine except for when he wet himself during a visit with his parents because they didn’t take him to the bathroom.

Being told what to do and how to do something will always negatively impact someone’s intrinsic motivation. There was more conversation regarding expanding visitation with their parents and educational choices that may be mandated that may be very different than what we would choose for them, that even further created a question for me as how to stay lovingly engaged with the children when it feels safer for me to detach.

It’s been challenging as I’ve been working through all of these emotions that were stirred up. It’s only today that I found inner calm about it all, and was able to put it all emotionally to the side. It is what it is, and I don’t want to give away my peace of mind to anyone involved.

Avivah

After two weeks of waiting, I finally got feedback on the foster care home visit that recently took place.

The tone of the entire meeting was one of negativity and even hostility towards me. Major positive changes in the children were dismissed with an exclusive focus on external details. I didn’t react to provocatively phrased questions, or to the insinuations that I was lying.

My social worker later told me it was upsetting to be present at the meeting and see how I was treated, but I didn’t take it personally. I trust this person is concerned about the welfare of the children; it’s critical that there to be oversight and supervision for foster children, even if the way it comes across to me is uncomfortable.

Since the meeting took place, I’ve tried not to guess what the reaction or resulting demands on me would be. But I did have some guesses about what kind of things I would hear, based on what elicited the most negativity.

I was so, so wrong.

Nothing that I guessed about was mentioned. Nothing.

During the visit I was asked many detailed questions about different aspects of raising the twins. Here are the criticisms of our foster care arrangements:

-The decor of dd’s room doesn’t feel enough like a girl’s bedroom. Dd’s linen is a floral set with lace edged pillowcases (pale yellow and light blue). When the war began we moved a second bunk bed in since her room is the safe room (in case of missile attacks we would need to have more children sleeping there), and I put matching light blue fitted sheets on each of the other bunks to protect the mattresses. It matches her set and looks nice. But it’s a fact that other than her sheet set the room is gender neutral.

I was told there should be more girls toys displayed. I don’t know if she didn’t notice the two dolls on dd’s bed and admittedly the doll strollers were outside, not in the room. She didn’t like that at the beginning of the meeting that all three children were playing with Duplo (a ‘boy’ toy). I would never have dreamed someone would have looked at that scene of three children playing nicely together in creative ways, and seen the color of the blocks as an issue.

-There isn’t a separate area in dd’s room for her to do projects, or a place on the wall for her projects to be displayed. She doesn’t have a ‘pina shekeita’, a quiet corner of her own.

In our home, bedrooms are mostly for sleeping, and sometimes for playing. But never for crafts. When I take out art supplies for the kids, I put them on the dining room table or outdoor table, and whoever is interested draws or creates there. We display projects on the fridge or sometimes the front door; no one has their own display area. Ironically, dd6 is the only child in the house who has her own room, and while she has a quiet place to play alone, she adamantly doesn’t want to be alone.

The social worker said that if I had a picture of a unicorn and rainbow on the wall the person who complained would have been happier. I laughed and told her dd’s backpack and lunch box are both pink and have unicorns and rainbows on them, she has plenty of pink clothes and feels very happy as the only girl in the family at this time. I don’t think she’s beleaguered by the lack of lavender sheets or pink magnet tiles, but I don’t have a problem with making her room more feminine.

I was concerned that the committee was once again going to impose something on my that would compromise my family, and this focus is a relief to me. While to me this feels like minutia I understand others have a different perspective on what is important. In any case, it’s all very easily remedied – I’ll spend a couple of hundred shekels on pink curtains and pink sheets, and maybe find a girly looking wall decoration. Voila. A suitable foster home for a little girl.

For someone who has an critical eye to find so little to complain about feels like a major accomplishment, and I’m pleased with the outcome.

Avivah

Last week we had a home visit with our social worker, the head of the foster care agency, and the guardian ad litem (court appointed legal representative for the twins – GAL).

It’s taken me until now to find a way to consistently feel neutral towards the GAL after this visit. I’ve repeatedly told myself she means well, but every time I think that to myself, the phrase ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ pops into my mind.

Prior to her visit, I took time with myself to think about how I wanted to interact with her. I guessed she would be very detail oriented and more interested in facts than feelings. That proved to be very accurate.

My own intention was to communicate without allowing myself to be put on the defensive and not worry about what she thought of me, and that was also very appropriate.

I’ve written and rewritten this post, trying to describe a little bit of what it was like as cautiously as possible. My husband has said that since my blog can be publicly accessed, he doesn’t think I should say anything. As such, I’ve deleted all descriptions of what happened.

Overall the meeting went extremely well. I presumed good intentions on her part and stayed calm and composed throughout the entire visit. Dd6, ds6 and ds7 were all home and they couldn’t not have been more well-behaved or responded to her questions better than they did.

It’s not easy to do so much for these children, to see so many positive changes, and have everything peremptorily dismissed as not even worthy of comment. Perhaps it’s common for lawyers to speak to people outside of the courtroom as if they are a defendant on the witness stand, asking leading questions and badgering the witness.

The thing that is hardest for me about foster care is seeing that our children are pawns in a system that doesn’t make their well-being the most important concern. I keep reminding myself that Hashem sent this person to us and she’s doing exactly what she’s meant to do.
I have no way to overcome prejudices that someone else holds that have nothing to do with me.

The reason I didn’t want to write about this until now is because I’ve been searching to put this interaction into a positive perspective, to find a way to give the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like thinking negatively about people and I’ve been trying to feel compassion for this individual, but wasn’t succeeding at all.

Yesterday I spoke with the man who founded the speech method that I’ve recently begun studying. He mentioned that one definition of apraxia of speech is that it can’t be treated. What happens when someone develops a method which has helped hundreds of children who supposedly can’t talk, learn to speak?

Do they rush to his door and ask to learn what he did? Do they tell him how amazing it is that he did something they didn’t think is possible?

No. They stick to their conviction that it can’t be done, even in the face of evidence that shows otherwise. He said this is the natural reaction of the established system in every area.

This comment was like a thunderbolt to me. I had been asking Hashem to help me find a way to think positively about this person, and then I heard this. I realized she’s just reacting the way people in an established system react to something outside of their experience.

There was a lot of focus on the negative behaviors that were part of the past file of one of the children. She said she’s never seen negative behaviors like this dissipate so quickly like they did when the children came to us, and that she can’t see how it’s possible.

If the baseline assumption is that this kind of change can’t be possible because she hasn’t seen it before, then there are only two options: 1) to consider that there’s something to learn from this new outcome and explore how it happened – but there was absolutely no interest in what we did and how that might have positively impacted the children.

Option 2: to insist that it’s not possible and solicit confirmation for her initial decision to oppose placement with us as not being in the best interest of the children.

Thinking about this being a normal reaction to something unfamiliar and unexpected makes this so much easier for me to accept. I don’t want to see her as an enemy who is trying to make my life miserable

It’s also helped release the tension I was feeling trying to anticipate what demands she’s going to impose on me when the committee meets for a follow-up. Now I’ve been able to return to my initial feeling that whatever will be, will be, and trust everything will work out as it’s meant to.

Avivah

When ds11 was younger, I noticed how often people wanted to hug him. You know, you see a cute little kid with Down syndrome, and strangers wanted to hug him after a brief interaction.

I didn’t like it but was sometimes caught off guard and didn’t respond as protectively as I should have. It’s uncomfortable to tell nice and well-meaning people to get their hands off your child. But the years have gone by and my backbone has grown stronger.

When dd6 entered the family, she had an attachment disorder. She didn’t feel an attachment to any one person, and as a result, would try to attach to any adult in her perimeter. She needed to develop trust in her primary attachment figures (now that’s us), and simultaneously, to learn that we don’t hug people outside of the family. It’s obviously important to feel protected and loved, but also important for her safety to minimize her risk of victimization.

It’s amazing how much questioning and even pushback there is when I tell an adult that they can’t hug her. We had an older woman at our outdoor menorah lighting the first night of Chanukah. I gave her a hug to welcome her, and on seeing the kids, she held out her arms for them to hug her. Now, the twins have never met her, and ds7 and ds11 have hardly ever seen her. I told her with a smile (also a cue to the kids how to respond), “Hugs are just for family.”

“But why?” Let’s put aside that my daughter has an attachment disorder that would put her at risk if we didn’t help her develop a very clear sense of boundaries. Why is it okay for you to hug children who don’t know you? Why do people take it so personally when parents, who determine what is appropriate for their children and presumably have their best interests in mind, tell them that they can’t hug their children? Why do adults think it is their right to hug a child?

I took ds7 to the feed store a couple of days ago. The woman there remembered him from a past trip when my husband took him. She gave him a treat, then said, “Give me a hug.” Nope, I told her, hugs are for family.

“But why?” People don’t ask with a tone of casual interest, but irritation and annoyance, as if I’ve taken away something they deserve. Why? Because children are not objects and they have the right to bodily integrity. I as an adult can choose to hug another adult who I am not related to, and that is based on mutual feelings of connection and consent between us. But that balance isn’t present between an adult and child; no one has the right to impose himself on someone who is small and powerless.

When I see my grandchildren who live far away, I recognize that not all of them are ready for a hug as soon as they see me. I won’t hug my grandchild if I see she feels uncomfortable, and I certainly wouldn’t hug a child I hardly know at all to show what a friendly and kind person I am.

As a parent of children with special needs, our children are often asked to hug people they hardly know on demand. While presumably this comes usually comes from a desire to be friendly, it’s important for adults to be respectful of the personal space of a child. Don’t assume it’s okay to touch someone who hardly knows you.

Yesterday the guardian ad litem came to visit, together with our social worker and the head supervisor of the foster care agency. Many months ago, she had once visited each of the twins in their preschools. After a long visit (grilling? interrogation?), the last thing she did was ask the kids to see their rooms. After ascertaining where they each sleep, she held out her arms first to ds6 and said, “Ten li chibuki” (give me a huggie). Since he named the stuffed dog he sleeps with Chibuki, he was confused and thought that she was telling him to give her his doll. But he saw her holding out her arms to him and started to move toward her.

I told her, “Hugs are only for family.” (I know there’s the potential for a person to feel slighted so to mitigate that I always say this in a light tone and in a way that’s clear this is our family guideline, that it’s not personal.)

Without missing a beat, she replied, “But it’s okay for special people to hug them.” This obviously means the rules don’t apply to her. “No,” I told her firmly, “just family”. She wasn’t happy with that, and demanded to know why. I told her we have safeguards in place for dd6 and these now apply to all of our children equally. She knows dd’s history and should have been much more receptive and understanding to, if not appreciative of, the importance of these guidelines.

I’ve talked to dd6’s teachers and tutor about the hugging issue. (I don’t have to talk to ds’s teachers because he isn’t soliciting contact and they aren’t hugging him.) When I first met the tutor and saw her hold out her arms to dd for a hug, I told her, “Hugs are just for family” (chibukim rak l’mishpacha – as you can see, it’s practically a mantra). Of course she was a bit affronted until I explained why; she was then very respectful and understanding, and continues to be very warm but without the hugs.

Dd was starved for affection and touch when she came to us, and solicited contact from anyone whom she came into contact with. When a new adult came into her orbit, she couldn’t relax or stay connected emotionally to me, because she needed to connect to that person. After weeks in our home and wanting to be with me nonstop, she would instantly and completely emotionally detach from me when someone else came in to the room – it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. She went into survival mode and her survival, to her, entailed a laser focus on connecting to the newest person in the vicinity.

She doesn’t do that anymore. She gets tons of hugs and kisses from us, and sometimes when I’ll ask her if she wants a hug, she’ll decline. It’s incredible for someone who was so empty for so long to now feel full enough to not need more contact in that moment. As she’s become more secure that we love her and will consistently be there for her, together with the reminders about who we hug and who we don’t, she’s become very appropriate in her interactions.

The majority of people I know wouldn’t see it as appropriate to hug children who aren’t their own , whom they have a minimal relationship with. It’s interesting to see how many people who hardly know my children think it’s not only okay, but appropriate and positive to hug them. What are your thoughts on this?

Avivah

I’m getting a lot of opportunities in a one week period to discuss how the twins were when they first arrived at our home 7.5 months ago, and it’s providing me with a lot of reflection.

First I had an hour long conversation with our social worker, who is preparing a report for the follow-up from the first committee meeting that took place the month after they were placed with us.

Last week I had a meeting with dd6’s kindergarten teacher, private teacher, and the head of special ed in the area. Though there are a couple of areas that they brought up that could use improvement, overall she is doing really well.

I’ll be meeting in the morning with my husband for the intake for the therapist for ds6, who will be starting movement therapy with him at his kindergarten once a week.

In a couple of days, our social worker will be coming for a visit with the guardian ad litem (kids’ court representative), who has been a proverbial thorn from before the placement took place. (I know she’s operating from what she feels to be in the best interest of the children, which she has until now has been convinced is not with us, because we’re charedi and because of where we live. This is why she opposed their placement here and advocated for them to instead be placed in separate adoptive homes.)

My social worker has been pushing her very much to meet us, because she thinks if she would know who we actually are, she would be able to move past the stigmas she’s operating under. I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. Since she’s a lawyer, I have a feeling we’ll be talking more about more nuts and bolts like wanting to see the beds the kids sleep in than their emotional state, but we’ll also be talking with her about how they were when they came and how they are now.

Yesterday my husband and I had an intake meeting with the child therapist for dd6. I got a really good feeling from her the moment we stepped into her therapy room – it was cozy, super child friendly, homey and authentic. A very good vibe, and I really enjoyed meeting her. (I have a lot of meetings for the twins because I have to, but my husband also said this was one that he also enjoyed.) She’s been doing this therapeutic work with children for 20 something years, is a parent of six, one of whom was adopted from foster care and one who is currently a foster child but in the process of being adopted. It’s a very nice and unexpected bonus that she has personal experience and perspective as a foster parent. Not only that, her foster child has the same guardian ad litem as the twins, so she understands the personality we’re dealing with.

I’m glad for dd6 that she’ll have a weekly opportunity to meet with this therapist. She seems fantastic! We spent the full hour going over dd’s history, and a little bit about our overall approach (there wasn’t enough time to go into detail about all the things we did and why). Usually she told me she has the session for the child together with the parent so she can give the parent guidance about how to support the child, but said in my case it won’t be necessary. She said we’ve done an amazing job and she doesn’t see why dd6 needs to come for therapy after all the work I’ve done with her. I explained that the court has determined it’s a prerequisite, and though I don’t think dd6 needs it, it can only benefit her.

She found it remarkable that in less than eight months dd and ds now have a good relationship, based on their history. When I corrected her and shared that four months after they came when they started school, I remember their teachers commenting on their beautiful relationship (“Oh, you can tell they’re twins by how close they are!” If only they knew…), she was shocked.

We’ve seen so many positive changes in the time that they’re with us, that describing them as they were and as they are now is describing very different behavior. I understand why it’s hard for someone with a legal background (guardian ad litem) to believe. Those with a psychology background understand why and how they could have grown so much but the speed is pretty remarkable to everyone, including me.

I attribute their tremendous emotional (and for ds – cognitive) growth in large part to them having spent three of the first four months of their placement with us at home full-time. Then after only a couple of week of school, there were over a month of holidays and then vacation due to the war, so it’s just in the last couple of months that they’ve been in kindergarten regularly. That has provided me with a lot of time with them, and them with me. (Obviously I’m not the only one in the house with them, but I’m the main caretaker.) It’s built a foundation of emotional security and trust for them that we couldn’t have built if they had been out of the house most of the day, for most of these months.

I’ve written before regarding my caution about parents depending on a weekly therapy to create a meaningful difference in a child. I was then writing about therapies like PT, OT, and speech. But I think the same thing is true with emotional therapy – once a week is great, but what happens the rest of the week? If you’re not actively following through on whatever the therapist is working on, the benefit is going to be much less than it could be.

While we aren’t officially labeled as a therapeutic foster home, in practice the kids have benefited from all day long ‘therapy’. Cognitive, sensory, language, constantly talking about emotions, how to deal with them, demonstrating, practicing – again and again and again.

We also have a number of physical aspects of our home – particularly our animals and outdoor space – that have been beneficial for them. When ds came, he spent long periods of time daily hugging and stroking our dog (suffocatingly so; our dog is very tolerant though I could tell he didn’t enjoy it). At least a few times a day he would say, “Right, Sheleg loves me and I love him?” I don’t know at what point I noticed that he didn’t do that anymore, but it was a very long time ago. Ds found a way to soothe himself in a healthy way and calm his anxieties that he could control from the very first day he was here, and gradually let go of that focus on our dog when he didn’t need it anymore.

As far as the outdoor space, it’s impossible for me to summarize the many benefits of hours of daily outdoor play for a child’s development. Books have been written about it.

Please don’t read this as me being self-congratulatory, because that’s not my intention. When we were told about the twins, it was a pretty intimidating description. My husband and I looked at each other and both of us wondered if this was going to be too much for us.

It has been a lot of work. While adding two young children clearly adds more physical work, the significant work was needing to stretch my patience and actively practice a higher level of self-awareness when interacting with them. Sometimes I felt very annoyed by things they did. I’ve worked hard to be kind and compassionate even when that wasn’t my natural reaction to what was happening in front of me. Prior to them coming I had a pretty high level of patience with my children and took most things in stride without being too bothered. I found myself tested in new ways when the twins came.

I struggled to find the balance between establishing and maintaining the super clear boundaries they needed, and feeling like a corrections officer. Different languages bring out different qualities in people, and when I speak Hebrew I feel like a tougher version of myself. Here I was speaking Hebrew with these children while needing to be extremely black and white about boundaries, and I often didn’t feel like my more relaxed self.

Changes happen slowly when you’re in the middle of things, and it was only recently that I realized it had been a long time since I felt very bothered by something they had done.

It’s very moving to see how well the twins have adjusted and are developing. It’s especially nice when people outside of our family validate that. While it hasn’t always been easy, I’m really glad they’re part of our family.

Avivah

Can you believe seven months have passed since the twins joined our family?

Overall they are doing well. I’ve seen a lot of positive changes, and I also continue to see areas that will take more time and input to shift. Overall they are sweet children who need a lot – a lot – of time, connection and supervision. Sometimes I feel like they take up all the emotional air in the home and am specifically concerned about ds7 getting his needs met, since he is so easygoing and non-demanding. I try to pay extra attention to him and do things with him that they don’t get to do.

It was very positive and important for them and for us that they were home with us for three of the first four months. We saw a lot of emotional development; dd6 was about a three year old level and is now close to her actual age. Ds6 was at the level of a very young toddler when he came; possibly an eighteen month old but not more than a two year old. Now he’s more like a four year old. (These are just my own personal assessments, not anything official.) During that time we were able to learn their typical behaviors and see who they really were without the external stressors of school.

As soon as they began going to school, I saw both of them showing significant negative changes in their behavior. Dd6 would scream within minutes of picking her up from kindergarten and continued throughout the afternoon until she went to sleep. She was hitting her siblings constantly, jumping up and down while screaming and screeching about everything that wasn’t the way she wanted it (which was almost everything).

Not only was she emotionally extremely reactive, but she was screaming at me – something she had never done. I saw she had no inner brakes, no emotionally capacity to hold the attachment when she was away so many hours. Once she was dysregulated to this degree, there was no way to calm her down; she rejected any kind of touch or loving gesture. I was so glad that we knew how sweet and loving she could be because she really became intolerable for everyone to be around.

Ds6 also had behavior changes, but it showed up differently. Though they both have ADD/ADHD diagnoses (almost all foster/adoptees have this at this age), as soon as he went back to school I saw it very clearly. He literally was vibrating when I picked him up from school. He made lots of sounds with his mouth and his body was wired; he had so much pent up energy. He was unfocused and seemingly didn’t hear instructions or respond to it. He kicked and hit even his teenage siblings over no provocation.

Since all of this behavior change happened as soon as they went to school, it was clear to me that the school day was too long for them. When I kept them home, I didn’t see any of this. There could be tiredness or unhappiness, but that was easily addressed. Our social worker said they would get used to the school day and it would get better, but I didn’t agree. I thought that the demands of the school day were overwhelming their capacity to cope.

I spoke to our parenting counselor about my hesitation about sending them for the extended afternoon program (school ends at 2 but the extended program continues until 3:45). I had agreed to take the twins with the understanding they would be home from school around 5 pm and that I would have time to spend with ds11 and ds7 every day when the twins weren’t here – that was a critical consideration.

My dilemma was that if I didn’t send them for the extended program, I had no time with just the two boys. Even with twins in the extended program, I hardly had time with the boys because they would eat lunch when they got home, and then I had to leave for pickup soon after that. If I did send them for the extended program, they became increasingly unpleasant and difficult to be with, and that’s harder for everyone in the house.

The parenting counselor said there’s no right answer about that, and that her concern is that I’m supporting their needs in so many ways (she called me ‘a full therapeutic staff’) that she doesn’t want to see me burn out.

I experimented with taking them to school later and picking them up earlier to see what their inner set points for being away from home were. At the end of October I decided I would do the earlier pickup from school. However, I then learned that lunch is served only for the children who stay for the afternoon program. Having to cook lunch for them was an additional demand at a time that I had a lot of demands on me (by this time my mom was staying with us).

Additionally, when I picked up dd6 early, she threw herself crying and screaming on the floor of her kindergarten and became almost hysterical because she didn’t get to eat there. Food or perceived lack of it is very emotional for her and that was the point that made me decide to leave her at the afternoon program – so she could eat the food with her peers. I couldn’t go out for two different pickup times, so ds stayed longer as well.

Right now we’re still in process. It’s almost easier for me to have them at home than to send them to school because the after school behaviors take so much emotional energy to manage, and it’s never ideal to guide or direct children when you don’t have a working positive attachment with them. They love staying home with me and almost every day ask to stay home, which is interesting because in their past foster home, going to school was their highlight and what they never wanted to miss. (Threatening them that they wouldn’t be able to go to school was the best behavioral incentive she had.)

What has been very helpful for them is keeping them home one day a week (usually not on the same day but together with ds11 or ds7). The positive effects last beyond the day that they stay home. I’ve experimented with different pickup and drop off times to find the point that they can tolerate without disintegrating, and have been taking them to school later in the morning to shorten the time they’re away.

Dd6 has begun telling her teachers she doesn’t want to stay in the afternoon, that she wants to go home. This is a shift for her, because in the beginning she wanted to do what all the other girls were doing and stay for the full time. After Chanuka I intend to begin picking them up as soon as they finish eating, so they’ll only be staying a half hour or so longer. Every way that we can shorten the day for them makes a difference.

It’s also critical to brace myself emotionally before they come home so that I’m prepared for their behavior. When I’m expecting them to act in a pleasant manner, it’s never helpful because then I feel frustrated by the discrepancy between my expectations and the reality.

As Chanuka begins, I’ve already told their teachers they won’t be coming for the Chanuka camp next week, and they won’t be coming today even though officially school is still in session. Ds11 and ds7 will also be home. It’s a different kind of busy on the days they stay home; it takes much more time but everyone’s emotions are on a much more even keel.

Avivah