Last week we had a home visit with our social worker, the head of the foster care agency, and the guardian ad litem (court appointed legal representative for the twins – GAL).

It’s taken me until now to find a way to consistently feel neutral towards the GAL after this visit. I’ve repeatedly told myself she means well, but every time I think that to myself, the phrase ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ pops into my mind.

Prior to her visit, I took time with myself to think about how I wanted to interact with her. I guessed she would be very detail oriented and more interested in facts than feelings. That proved to be very accurate.

My own intention was to communicate without allowing myself to be put on the defensive and not worry about what she thought of me, and that was also very appropriate.

I’ve written and rewritten this post, trying to describe a little bit of what it was like as cautiously as possible. My husband has said that since my blog can be publicly accessed, he doesn’t think I should say anything. As such, I’ve deleted all descriptions of what happened.

Overall the meeting went extremely well. I presumed good intentions on her part and stayed calm and composed throughout the entire visit. Dd6, ds6 and ds7 were all home and they couldn’t not have been more well-behaved or responded to her questions better than they did.

It’s not easy to do so much for these children, to see so many positive changes, and have everything peremptorily dismissed as not even worthy of comment. Perhaps it’s common for lawyers to speak to people outside of the courtroom as if they are a defendant on the witness stand, asking leading questions and badgering the witness.

The thing that is hardest for me about foster care is seeing that our children are pawns in a system that doesn’t make their well-being the most important concern. I keep reminding myself that Hashem sent this person to us and she’s doing exactly what she’s meant to do.
I have no way to overcome prejudices that someone else holds that have nothing to do with me.

The reason I didn’t want to write about this until now is because I’ve been searching to put this interaction into a positive perspective, to find a way to give the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like thinking negatively about people and I’ve been trying to feel compassion for this individual, but wasn’t succeeding at all.

Yesterday I spoke with the man who founded the speech method that I’ve recently begun studying. He mentioned that one definition of apraxia of speech is that it can’t be treated. What happens when someone develops a method which has helped hundreds of children who supposedly can’t talk, learn to speak?

Do they rush to his door and ask to learn what he did? Do they tell him how amazing it is that he did something they didn’t think is possible?

No. They stick to their conviction that it can’t be done, even in the face of evidence that shows otherwise. He said this is the natural reaction of the established system in every area.

This comment was like a thunderbolt to me. I had been asking Hashem to help me find a way to think positively about this person, and then I heard this. I realized she’s just reacting the way people in an established system react to something outside of their experience.

There was a lot of focus on the negative behaviors that were part of the past file of one of the children. She said she’s never seen negative behaviors like this dissipate so quickly like they did when the children came to us, and that she can’t see how it’s possible.

If the baseline assumption is that this kind of change can’t be possible because she hasn’t seen it before, then there are only two options: 1) to consider that there’s something to learn from this new outcome and explore how it happened – but there was absolutely no interest in what we did and how that might have positively impacted the children.

Option 2: to insist that it’s not possible and solicit confirmation for her initial decision to oppose placement with us as not being in the best interest of the children.

Thinking about this being a normal reaction to something unfamiliar and unexpected makes this so much easier for me to accept. I don’t want to see her as an enemy who is trying to make my life miserable

It’s also helped release the tension I was feeling trying to anticipate what demands she’s going to impose on me when the committee meets for a follow-up. Now I’ve been able to return to my initial feeling that whatever will be, will be, and trust everything will work out as it’s meant to.

Avivah

When ds11 was younger, I noticed how often people wanted to hug him. You know, you see a cute little kid with Down syndrome, and strangers wanted to hug him after a brief interaction.

I didn’t like it but was sometimes caught off guard and didn’t respond as protectively as I should have. It’s uncomfortable to tell nice and well-meaning people to get their hands off your child. But the years have gone by and my backbone has grown stronger.

When dd6 entered the family, she had an attachment disorder. She didn’t feel an attachment to any one person, and as a result, would try to attach to any adult in her perimeter. She needed to develop trust in her primary attachment figures (now that’s us), and simultaneously, to learn that we don’t hug people outside of the family. It’s obviously important to feel protected and loved, but also important for her safety to minimize her risk of victimization.

It’s amazing how much questioning and even pushback there is when I tell an adult that they can’t hug her. We had an older woman at our outdoor menorah lighting the first night of Chanukah. I gave her a hug to welcome her, and on seeing the kids, she held out her arms for them to hug her. Now, the twins have never met her, and ds7 and ds11 have hardly ever seen her. I told her with a smile (also a cue to the kids how to respond), “Hugs are just for family.”

“But why?” Let’s put aside that my daughter has an attachment disorder that would put her at risk if we didn’t help her develop a very clear sense of boundaries. Why is it okay for you to hug children who don’t know you? Why do people take it so personally when parents, who determine what is appropriate for their children and presumably have their best interests in mind, tell them that they can’t hug their children? Why do adults think it is their right to hug a child?

I took ds7 to the feed store a couple of days ago. The woman there remembered him from a past trip when my husband took him. She gave him a treat, then said, “Give me a hug.” Nope, I told her, hugs are for family.

“But why?” People don’t ask with a tone of casual interest, but irritation and annoyance, as if I’ve taken away something they deserve. Why? Because children are not objects and they have the right to bodily integrity. I as an adult can choose to hug another adult who I am not related to, and that is based on mutual feelings of connection and consent between us. But that balance isn’t present between an adult and child; no one has the right to impose himself on someone who is small and powerless.

When I see my grandchildren who live far away, I recognize that not all of them are ready for a hug as soon as they see me. I won’t hug my grandchild if I see she feels uncomfortable, and I certainly wouldn’t hug a child I hardly know at all to show what a friendly and kind person I am.

As a parent of children with special needs, our children are often asked to hug people they hardly know on demand. While presumably this comes usually comes from a desire to be friendly, it’s important for adults to be respectful of the personal space of a child. Don’t assume it’s okay to touch someone who hardly knows you.

Yesterday the guardian ad litem came to visit, together with our social worker and the head supervisor of the foster care agency. Many months ago, she had once visited each of the twins in their preschools. After a long visit (grilling? interrogation?), the last thing she did was ask the kids to see their rooms. After ascertaining where they each sleep, she held out her arms first to ds6 and said, “Ten li chibuki” (give me a huggie). Since he named the stuffed dog he sleeps with Chibuki, he was confused and thought that she was telling him to give her his doll. But he saw her holding out her arms to him and started to move toward her.

I told her, “Hugs are only for family.” (I know there’s the potential for a person to feel slighted so to mitigate that I always say this in a light tone and in a way that’s clear this is our family guideline, that it’s not personal.)

Without missing a beat, she replied, “But it’s okay for special people to hug them.” This obviously means the rules don’t apply to her. “No,” I told her firmly, “just family”. She wasn’t happy with that, and demanded to know why. I told her we have safeguards in place for dd6 and these now apply to all of our children equally. She knows dd’s history and should have been much more receptive and understanding to, if not appreciative of, the importance of these guidelines.

I’ve talked to dd6’s teachers and tutor about the hugging issue. (I don’t have to talk to ds’s teachers because he isn’t soliciting contact and they aren’t hugging him.) When I first met the tutor and saw her hold out her arms to dd for a hug, I told her, “Hugs are just for family” (chibukim rak l’mishpacha – as you can see, it’s practically a mantra). Of course she was a bit affronted until I explained why; she was then very respectful and understanding, and continues to be very warm but without the hugs.

Dd was starved for affection and touch when she came to us, and solicited contact from anyone whom she came into contact with. When a new adult came into her orbit, she couldn’t relax or stay connected emotionally to me, because she needed to connect to that person. After weeks in our home and wanting to be with me nonstop, she would instantly and completely emotionally detach from me when someone else came in to the room – it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. She went into survival mode and her survival, to her, entailed a laser focus on connecting to the newest person in the vicinity.

She doesn’t do that anymore. She gets tons of hugs and kisses from us, and sometimes when I’ll ask her if she wants a hug, she’ll decline. It’s incredible for someone who was so empty for so long to now feel full enough to not need more contact in that moment. As she’s become more secure that we love her and will consistently be there for her, together with the reminders about who we hug and who we don’t, she’s become very appropriate in her interactions.

The majority of people I know wouldn’t see it as appropriate to hug children who aren’t their own , whom they have a minimal relationship with. It’s interesting to see how many people who hardly know my children think it’s not only okay, but appropriate and positive to hug them. What are your thoughts on this?

Avivah

I’m getting a lot of opportunities in a one week period to discuss how the twins were when they first arrived at our home 7.5 months ago, and it’s providing me with a lot of reflection.

First I had an hour long conversation with our social worker, who is preparing a report for the follow-up from the first committee meeting that took place the month after they were placed with us.

Last week I had a meeting with dd6’s kindergarten teacher, private teacher, and the head of special ed in the area. Though there are a couple of areas that they brought up that could use improvement, overall she is doing really well.

I’ll be meeting in the morning with my husband for the intake for the therapist for ds6, who will be starting movement therapy with him at his kindergarten once a week.

In a couple of days, our social worker will be coming for a visit with the guardian ad litem (kids’ court representative), who has been a proverbial thorn from before the placement took place. (I know she’s operating from what she feels to be in the best interest of the children, which she has until now has been convinced is not with us, because we’re charedi and because of where we live. This is why she opposed their placement here and advocated for them to instead be placed in separate adoptive homes.)

My social worker has been pushing her very much to meet us, because she thinks if she would know who we actually are, she would be able to move past the stigmas she’s operating under. I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. Since she’s a lawyer, I have a feeling we’ll be talking more about more nuts and bolts like wanting to see the beds the kids sleep in than their emotional state, but we’ll also be talking with her about how they were when they came and how they are now.

Yesterday my husband and I had an intake meeting with the child therapist for dd6. I got a really good feeling from her the moment we stepped into her therapy room – it was cozy, super child friendly, homey and authentic. A very good vibe, and I really enjoyed meeting her. (I have a lot of meetings for the twins because I have to, but my husband also said this was one that he also enjoyed.) She’s been doing this therapeutic work with children for 20 something years, is a parent of six, one of whom was adopted from foster care and one who is currently a foster child but in the process of being adopted. It’s a very nice and unexpected bonus that she has personal experience and perspective as a foster parent. Not only that, her foster child has the same guardian ad litem as the twins, so she understands the personality we’re dealing with.

I’m glad for dd6 that she’ll have a weekly opportunity to meet with this therapist. She seems fantastic! We spent the full hour going over dd’s history, and a little bit about our overall approach (there wasn’t enough time to go into detail about all the things we did and why). Usually she told me she has the session for the child together with the parent so she can give the parent guidance about how to support the child, but said in my case it won’t be necessary. She said we’ve done an amazing job and she doesn’t see why dd6 needs to come for therapy after all the work I’ve done with her. I explained that the court has determined it’s a prerequisite, and though I don’t think dd6 needs it, it can only benefit her.

She found it remarkable that in less than eight months dd and ds now have a good relationship, based on their history. When I corrected her and shared that four months after they came when they started school, I remember their teachers commenting on their beautiful relationship (“Oh, you can tell they’re twins by how close they are!” If only they knew…), she was shocked.

We’ve seen so many positive changes in the time that they’re with us, that describing them as they were and as they are now is describing very different behavior. I understand why it’s hard for someone with a legal background (guardian ad litem) to believe. Those with a psychology background understand why and how they could have grown so much but the speed is pretty remarkable to everyone, including me.

I attribute their tremendous emotional (and for ds – cognitive) growth in large part to them having spent three of the first four months of their placement with us at home full-time. Then after only a couple of week of school, there were over a month of holidays and then vacation due to the war, so it’s just in the last couple of months that they’ve been in kindergarten regularly. That has provided me with a lot of time with them, and them with me. (Obviously I’m not the only one in the house with them, but I’m the main caretaker.) It’s built a foundation of emotional security and trust for them that we couldn’t have built if they had been out of the house most of the day, for most of these months.

I’ve written before regarding my caution about parents depending on a weekly therapy to create a meaningful difference in a child. I was then writing about therapies like PT, OT, and speech. But I think the same thing is true with emotional therapy – once a week is great, but what happens the rest of the week? If you’re not actively following through on whatever the therapist is working on, the benefit is going to be much less than it could be.

While we aren’t officially labeled as a therapeutic foster home, in practice the kids have benefited from all day long ‘therapy’. Cognitive, sensory, language, constantly talking about emotions, how to deal with them, demonstrating, practicing – again and again and again.

We also have a number of physical aspects of our home – particularly our animals and outdoor space – that have been beneficial for them. When ds came, he spent long periods of time daily hugging and stroking our dog (suffocatingly so; our dog is very tolerant though I could tell he didn’t enjoy it). At least a few times a day he would say, “Right, Sheleg loves me and I love him?” I don’t know at what point I noticed that he didn’t do that anymore, but it was a very long time ago. Ds found a way to soothe himself in a healthy way and calm his anxieties that he could control from the very first day he was here, and gradually let go of that focus on our dog when he didn’t need it anymore.

As far as the outdoor space, it’s impossible for me to summarize the many benefits of hours of daily outdoor play for a child’s development. Books have been written about it.

Please don’t read this as me being self-congratulatory, because that’s not my intention. When we were told about the twins, it was a pretty intimidating description. My husband and I looked at each other and both of us wondered if this was going to be too much for us.

It has been a lot of work. While adding two young children clearly adds more physical work, the significant work was needing to stretch my patience and actively practice a higher level of self-awareness when interacting with them. Sometimes I felt very annoyed by things they did. I’ve worked hard to be kind and compassionate even when that wasn’t my natural reaction to what was happening in front of me. Prior to them coming I had a pretty high level of patience with my children and took most things in stride without being too bothered. I found myself tested in new ways when the twins came.

I struggled to find the balance between establishing and maintaining the super clear boundaries they needed, and feeling like a corrections officer. Different languages bring out different qualities in people, and when I speak Hebrew I feel like a tougher version of myself. Here I was speaking Hebrew with these children while needing to be extremely black and white about boundaries, and I often didn’t feel like my more relaxed self.

Changes happen slowly when you’re in the middle of things, and it was only recently that I realized it had been a long time since I felt very bothered by something they had done.

It’s very moving to see how well the twins have adjusted and are developing. It’s especially nice when people outside of our family validate that. While it hasn’t always been easy, I’m really glad they’re part of our family.

Avivah

Can you believe seven months have passed since the twins joined our family?

Overall they are doing well. I’ve seen a lot of positive changes, and I also continue to see areas that will take more time and input to shift. Overall they are sweet children who need a lot – a lot – of time, connection and supervision. Sometimes I feel like they take up all the emotional air in the home and am specifically concerned about ds7 getting his needs met, since he is so easygoing and non-demanding. I try to pay extra attention to him and do things with him that they don’t get to do.

It was very positive and important for them and for us that they were home with us for three of the first four months. We saw a lot of emotional development; dd6 was about a three year old level and is now close to her actual age. Ds6 was at the level of a very young toddler when he came; possibly an eighteen month old but not more than a two year old. Now he’s more like a four year old. (These are just my own personal assessments, not anything official.) During that time we were able to learn their typical behaviors and see who they really were without the external stressors of school.

As soon as they began going to school, I saw both of them showing significant negative changes in their behavior. Dd6 would scream within minutes of picking her up from kindergarten and continued throughout the afternoon until she went to sleep. She was hitting her siblings constantly, jumping up and down while screaming and screeching about everything that wasn’t the way she wanted it (which was almost everything).

Not only was she emotionally extremely reactive, but she was screaming at me – something she had never done. I saw she had no inner brakes, no emotionally capacity to hold the attachment when she was away so many hours. Once she was dysregulated to this degree, there was no way to calm her down; she rejected any kind of touch or loving gesture. I was so glad that we knew how sweet and loving she could be because she really became intolerable for everyone to be around.

Ds6 also had behavior changes, but it showed up differently. Though they both have ADD/ADHD diagnoses (almost all foster/adoptees have this at this age), as soon as he went back to school I saw it very clearly. He literally was vibrating when I picked him up from school. He made lots of sounds with his mouth and his body was wired; he had so much pent up energy. He was unfocused and seemingly didn’t hear instructions or respond to it. He kicked and hit even his teenage siblings over no provocation.

Since all of this behavior change happened as soon as they went to school, it was clear to me that the school day was too long for them. When I kept them home, I didn’t see any of this. There could be tiredness or unhappiness, but that was easily addressed. Our social worker said they would get used to the school day and it would get better, but I didn’t agree. I thought that the demands of the school day were overwhelming their capacity to cope.

I spoke to our parenting counselor about my hesitation about sending them for the extended afternoon program (school ends at 2 but the extended program continues until 3:45). I had agreed to take the twins with the understanding they would be home from school around 5 pm and that I would have time to spend with ds11 and ds7 every day when the twins weren’t here – that was a critical consideration.

My dilemma was that if I didn’t send them for the extended program, I had no time with just the two boys. Even with twins in the extended program, I hardly had time with the boys because they would eat lunch when they got home, and then I had to leave for pickup soon after that. If I did send them for the extended program, they became increasingly unpleasant and difficult to be with, and that’s harder for everyone in the house.

The parenting counselor said there’s no right answer about that, and that her concern is that I’m supporting their needs in so many ways (she called me ‘a full therapeutic staff’) that she doesn’t want to see me burn out.

I experimented with taking them to school later and picking them up earlier to see what their inner set points for being away from home were. At the end of October I decided I would do the earlier pickup from school. However, I then learned that lunch is served only for the children who stay for the afternoon program. Having to cook lunch for them was an additional demand at a time that I had a lot of demands on me (by this time my mom was staying with us).

Additionally, when I picked up dd6 early, she threw herself crying and screaming on the floor of her kindergarten and became almost hysterical because she didn’t get to eat there. Food or perceived lack of it is very emotional for her and that was the point that made me decide to leave her at the afternoon program – so she could eat the food with her peers. I couldn’t go out for two different pickup times, so ds stayed longer as well.

Right now we’re still in process. It’s almost easier for me to have them at home than to send them to school because the after school behaviors take so much emotional energy to manage, and it’s never ideal to guide or direct children when you don’t have a working positive attachment with them. They love staying home with me and almost every day ask to stay home, which is interesting because in their past foster home, going to school was their highlight and what they never wanted to miss. (Threatening them that they wouldn’t be able to go to school was the best behavioral incentive she had.)

What has been very helpful for them is keeping them home one day a week (usually not on the same day but together with ds11 or ds7). The positive effects last beyond the day that they stay home. I’ve experimented with different pickup and drop off times to find the point that they can tolerate without disintegrating, and have been taking them to school later in the morning to shorten the time they’re away.

Dd6 has begun telling her teachers she doesn’t want to stay in the afternoon, that she wants to go home. This is a shift for her, because in the beginning she wanted to do what all the other girls were doing and stay for the full time. After Chanuka I intend to begin picking them up as soon as they finish eating, so they’ll only be staying a half hour or so longer. Every way that we can shorten the day for them makes a difference.

It’s also critical to brace myself emotionally before they come home so that I’m prepared for their behavior. When I’m expecting them to act in a pleasant manner, it’s never helpful because then I feel frustrated by the discrepancy between my expectations and the reality.

As Chanuka begins, I’ve already told their teachers they won’t be coming for the Chanuka camp next week, and they won’t be coming today even though officially school is still in session. Ds11 and ds7 will also be home. It’s a different kind of busy on the days they stay home; it takes much more time but everyone’s emotions are on a much more even keel.

Avivah

When children come into foster care, there’s often a need for neglected doctor visits and dental care to be tended to.

One of the first things I was told by the social worker after the twins’ placement was to get dd6 a hearing test. I took her to the doctor, got the referral for the hearing test, and then submitted it for an appointment. Soon after I was told it was denied because she had a hearing test just a few months before, and that I needed to be in touch with her past foster mother for the results.

Since the results of the hearing test weren’t submitted to the doctor, it wasn’t on her record. I don’t know if their social worker wasn’t notified that it was done or she didn’t notify the committee, but that’s the kind of thing that can happen with foster care. Happily, otherwise all is well with her.

Next, I took ds6 to the doctor to get a baseline checkup for him. It turned out to be very very fortuitous that the local pediatrician on their health plan is actually a pediatric endocrinologist. She requested labwork for him, and when it came back normal, told me she wants to run more tests. Most doctors would have left it at that – his numbers are ideal so there’s seemingly nothing to do.

Since this is her area of expertise, the perfect bloodwork creates another questions and she wants to determine if daily medication is actually necessary – is his blood work perfect because he has the ideal medication amount or does he not need medication at all? There’s nothing in his medical record that indicates why he was given this medication or diagnosis; when there’s an issue like this there’s supposed to be blood work done every three months. His last blood work was in 2019, over four years ago.

She gave me a list of tests he needs; none of which could be performed in either of the two cities a half hour drive away for several months. Since I didn’t want any further delays in having this taken care of, I took the earliest appointments available, regardless of distance. That resulted in an hour and a half drive for the first appointment, only to be told that I needed an additional doctor to do this test with the technician, and that doctor wasn’t available at that location. Not only that, the receptionist didn’t know when or where or how I could schedule an appointment with both of these people simultaneously if I called the scheduling hotline.

The receptionist was very apologetic and so helpful. Early the next morning she took the initiative to directly contact the only technician in the health clinic staff who has the expertise to perform this testing without a physician. She told me that if I got to a different city (also over an hour away) within the next few hours, he would take us without an appointment. I had plans for the morning and all the kids were home, but off we went, hoping to make it before it was too late. Thankfully we made it.

I took those results back to the pediatrician. That test brought up another concern that necessitated a visit to a different specialist in – yes – a city over an hour away. I was able to get an appointment a couple of days before Rosh Hashana. She was an older Russian physician, who harshly asked me why I waited until he was six to take care of something that should have been done when he was two. I covered the ears of ds6 and told her I’m his foster parent and am trying to get all of this taken care of as quickly as I can. As soon as she heard that her judgmental attitude and icy demeanor dissolved.

The next morning I took him to the dentist to get his teeth checked out. Amazingly, he had no cavities. I don’t even understand how that’s possible but I was so relieved. Afterwards we did some shopping together to make it a special Mommy outing for him, before taking him back to school. It’s always nice to have one on one time with children, and he loved it.

The most recent specialist visit resulted in a referral to a hospital procedure that ds6 will need. The last time I called this hospital I spent twenty five minutes waiting for a person but did get someone, and hopefully by the end of this week I’ll have that appointment made.

As far as hospital appointments, I’m still waiting to have a different test scheduled at a different hospital. (The hospital closest to me doesn’t perform this testing for children under ten.) It took a month of calling until I got a live person to tell me that I needed to submit the referral by fax or email. To do that, I had to return to the doctor and request that the referral be printed out since the hospital can’t access the computer records, then have it sent it. It’s been several weeks and I haven’t yet heard back from them.

Once I have all of this testing completed, I can go back to the pediatrician to evaluate what is going on with him. It’s been really busy taking care of all of this on top of the other things going on, but I’m so appreciative of her thoroughness and expertise, and hope that soon we’ll have resolved the issues that need to be addressed and have clarity about if there’s anything else he needs to stay healthy.

Avivah