Category Archives: personal development

A return visit to the burn unit to say ‘thank you’

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately.  I’ve been super busy and on top of that my laptop has been out of commission and when I have access to my husband’s computer in the later hours of the evening, I’m too tired to think straight anymore!  But I miss you all when I don’t write.

A while ago I took Yirmiyahu for a standard hearing test.  It wasn’t clear at that time if he was hearing well or not.  Initially he responded to all the tones but after several times turning his head to the sound of someone calling his voice and seeing no one there, he began to look intently at the woman in the glass enclosed room when she spoke into her microphone (though her mouth was covered) instead of looking to the speakers that her voice emanated from.  I’m not concerned about his hearing but this is something that has to be checked out to be sure there’s no issue and the way to do it with a child this young is via the BERA test which tests the brains response to auditory stimulus while a child is asleep.

To make a long and exhausting story short, after traveling for the BERA test to a hospital in a different city that’s only a thirty minute drive away but an hour and a half trip on two different buses, he fell asleep after being given the medication.  The technician attached the electrodes to his head, and as she was almost finished, he stirred and sleepily opened his eyes.  If he hadn’t seen a strange woman looming over him and had black wires hanging down over his eyes, he probably would have fallen right back to sleep but he was very alarmed.  I waited 2.5 hours for him to fall asleep again, but the same thing happened then. So I had no choice but to reschedule for this week.

It was very frustrating to spend so long traveling and then waiting there for four hours and return home late in the afternoon not having been able to get the hearing test done, which takes maybe 15 minutes at the very most.  But one thing I was able to do while walking him around in the stroller trying to lull him to sleep was to visit the nurses in the burn unit where I was hospitalized in April so they could see how well I’m doing.

I had such a powerful emotion that came over me as I walked into the unit.  I had never walked in to the unit before – when I was admitted ten months ago, I was wheeled in with bandages covering my face.  Though my eyes weren’t burned, my sight was affected for the first few days and on that evening I could hardly see anything.

I didn’t expect the nurses to recognize me since I looked very different at that point than I do now, but both nurses I saw remembered me when I started to speak.  I started to say hello, and I hardly had a chance to say anything before I started crying.   It’s interesting that other than the exceptions that I wrote about, I didn’t cry much during my hospitalization but since then, I’ve had a  number of waves of emotion that come over me when thinking about my accident and God’s amazing kindness to me.  I told the nurse I don’t know why now I’m getting so emotional when everything is fine and then when things looked so bad I wasn’t crying.  She smiled and said, “They’re happy tears,”  and she’s totally right.

She told me how wonderful I look and told me that she would have to look with a magnifying glass to see the remaining signs of the burns. To me it’s noticeable but many people have said they can’t tell I was ever burned, and I’m not going to point out the signs of the accident!  That same evening I went to an event and saw many people who I hadn’t seen since before I was burned, and all of them were exclaiming that they couldn’t believe that I look ‘perfect’.  I’m telling you, you get so many compliments on how good you look after an accident like this!  In all the years before this put together I didn’t get as many compliments as I have in the last eight months.  🙂

Beginning three days after I was burned, I took a picture each morning while in the hospital.  Not because I wanted to see how bad I looked – I didn’t – but because I believed that one day I would be healed.  And I knew that I would look back and think it must not have been so bad, that in the intensity of the experience it felt worse to me than it really was.  The pictures are a tangible proof for me to remember that, yes, it really was that bad, but I don’t have to look at them to appreciate how incredibly fortunate I was.

Avivah

Win win for adults – setting aside your ego and being willing to hear the other person’s side

I’ve been absent from my blog for these last couple of weeks because I’ve been involved in a complicated situation that’s been taking a huge amount of emotional energy.

There have been two other parties involved, and it seemed like whatever we did, at least one of the three parties would be upset at the result.  And one particular party seemed determined to be sure if he didn’t get what he wanted, he would make sure the other two would be dragged through a lot of unpleasantness.  I couldn’t see any possibility that would end up being win-win for everyone involved.

I’ve been having a lot of negative thoughts about this party and as much as I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, it didn’t extend to being willing to stand in his shoes and validate to myself why he felt he should have things go his way.  In my own mind, I was dismissing him as selfish and manipulative.  When I would give a pretense to myself of looking at things from his view, I would think, “I see why he thinks this but…. he’s totally wrong and self-centered and irresponsible and why can’t he be reasonable.”  At first I didn’t think he was a bad person but if you saw the way things you were going, you would excuse me for mentally going down that road.

Well, I took a huge step back and mentally went back to the beginning to start over.  This was really hard for me because at this point, him not getting what he wanted was just as important to  me as me getting what I wanted.  I wanted to do whatever I had to do to get out of this situation and never hear his name again.  But it was clear he was going to be sure that if he couldn’t win, no one could win.

Mentally starting over helped me feel compassion and understanding for him, and I was able to see he was lashing out because of his fear of losing something important to him.  From that position, I approached the other person and said, “Let’s start over.  It seems to me you feel like you want to have this outcome, and I’m happy for you to have that if you can make sure that I also have what I need from this situation” (which initially he said wasn’t possible).  The third party had agreed that they wouldn’t mind if I reopened the conversation with the other party, and they would be fine with whatever we worked out between us.

Amazingly, it looks as if it’s going to be possible for all three of us to come out ahead in this interaction.  Right now we’re at the discussion stage and it will take another week to hammer out all the specifics, but it’s incredibly encouraging and rejuvenating to be able to even consider an ending like this.

While dealing with this, I’ve continually been thinking about win-win, and really debating if given the cultural and personality differences we were facing if in this situation it might be impossible to use these principles.  I’m amazed what can happen when you put aside your ego and are willing to honestly step into someone else’s shoes and really understand them.

It’s been a huge energy shift and finally I feel the head space to write again!

Avivah

 

Dealing with bullying neighbors

Last night I was walking home from a lovely dinner with my mom (her birthday treat to me) when I encountered one of my neighbors.  He’s usually quite taciturn but he walked directly toward me with his dogs, making it impossible for me to easily sidestep him as his two dogs went to each side of me.  He angrily told me that he heard I had changed a lock in the building a couple of hours before (I’m the building representative – vaad bayit – and take care of repairs and maintenance for the apartment building – it’s a volunteer position, no perks :)) and that it was illegal to lock that room.

I told him while I had no desire nor plans to lock the door, if the door would be locked at any point it would only be with the legal guidance of the office for building committees.  He responded, “Don’t you dare lock that door; if you do a day won’t go by before I’ll break the lock.”  He accusingly told me he knows why I’m doing this.  I asked him why and he said I’m in cahoots with another neighbor.  I asked him why I would be in cahoots with anyone and what that has to do with getting a new lock put in.  He changed the topic and began yelling at me about other things.  It was so irrational.

I changed the lock because there was no key for it and the building representative is supposed to have a key.  Why should someone care so much about changing a lock on a door that is going to stay unlocked when it has absolutely no effect on their lives?

Maybe you care when it’s the door to the water meter room and you use the water meter as a way to harass your neighbors by turning off their water repeatedly.  Maybe they assumed their actions were a factor in the new lock and felt angry that there was any potential for them to be restrained in bothering others.

Early this morning morning, his wife wrote a nasty note about me and posted it in the building entrance about how I’m using my position to further the interests of my religious friends (yes, because I changed the lock) and I shouldn’t be allowed to continue in this position any longer.  Another neighbor saw it and took it down.  The woman who wrote it saw him remove it, followed him upstairs while yelling and carrying the garbage can from the entryway, threw the garbage on him in front of my door.

By 8:30 am the police had arrived and I spent an hour talking to them together with the other neighbor.  It was initially frustrating because the officer was unwilling to listen to the full situation due to false presumptions but eventually I think he understood we’re dealing with someone irrational.

The police said they’ll talk to the screaming neighbor, which I doubt will do anything because you can’t use legal means to mandate good character.  The other family (whose husband had the garbage thrown at him) has filed for a restraining order and put their home up for sale.  They’re really nice people and I hope they sell their home quickly and find a place to live with other nice people; they don’t deserve to be treated like this.

The unpleasant couple has made being the building representative here extremely difficult – I get yelled at and gossiped about for everything I do and what I don’t do.  They refuse to pay the monthly fees and at the same time, complain about how the building is cleaned, who cleans it, get angry about repairs I’ve made to the building that were agreed on by all the tenants – really anything and everything…it’s a difficult situation.

When I took my kids to the park in the afternoon there was another note taped up in the building railing against me.  (This time she dropped accusations about helping religious friends and wrote that I’m acting for my own personal interests.)  I took it down, went to the park, then decided to make a copy and put the original back up.  But by the time I returned to my home ten minutes later, there was already another note up, this time a pithy version: “Mrs. Avivah is unworthy of being the building representative.”  I left it there.  It shows more about her than me.

Actually, I’m happy to pass the job on to someone more ‘worthy’.  But there’s no one else who is willing to take on this job because no one wants to deal with the difficult people here; the building had no maintenance/cleaning/electricity paid for eight months until I took over, and had years of neglected repairs that no one could agree to take care of because of constant arguing about every detail.  It’s been grueling but I’ve been able to take care of some important things.

It’s nice to think that if you are pleasant and respectful of others, they’ll respond in kind but it’s not always true.  I’ve spent almost 3.5 years being very careful to keep a positive relationship with this woman and her husband despite the many challenges they have presented me with.

We’ve all spent years making choices based on our paradigm of the world and our coping skills.  When someone is abusive or unbalanced, their years have been spent making unhealthy choices; they’ve literally grooved-in patterns to their brains and are no longer wired for responding differently.  Just like anyone else who has a pattern that they want to break, it would take a huge amount of awareness and conscious effort for them to respond differently than they have been for their entire lives.

So where does this all leave me?  I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to respond to these provocations because in the heat of the moment when I’m being insulted or attacked I’m not likely to be able to summon up my higher self.  I’ve decided to ignore the notes and anything she says about me.  I felt very threatened when her husband was so hostile last night but I’ve had time to work down those feelings and am trying to keep these people and their actions in perspective.

I’m actively working on courage, not letting myself feel defensive and scared in response to their bullying.  I have to stay very conscious so I hold my ground and don’t slip into backing down.  I’m not good at shrugging off attacks; I’m sensitive to criticism and take insults personally but this is something I have a chance to practice doing differently now.

Avivah

Update on dd18, finding perspective amidst terror

First, to update you on dd18’s condition.  Thank G-d she is doing well; yesterday for the first time we didn’t hear the sound of shock and trauma in her voice when she spoke.  She has a cast on her right arm which makes doing the things we do in daily life difficult and draining, but she’s in a dorm where she has friends who have been wonderful.  She’s still in pain all over her body but she’s taking painkillers and with time this should pass.  Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes.

I haven’t been writing much in the last couple of weeks because the situation in Israel has been very hard.  It seems inappropriate to write about day to day things when the lives of so many have been turned upside down and destroyed, and I don’t have the words to write about the events that are happening here.  Last week I wanted to write about 26 year old Dalya Lemkos, purposely run over with a car and then stabbed to death by a terrorist; as soon as I saw her photo I knew she was a giving person with a heart of gold.  This week the horrors continued with the synagogue massacre in Jerusalem the day after dd18 was hit by a car.  Jews wrapped in prayer shawls were attacked in the midst of prayer with meat cleavers, an axe and guns.

There are so many more events than this taking place every single day; only the worst of the attacks are reported.  Even here in Karmiel there was an attempt by an Arab to run down a soldier last week (we have a lot of Arabs in our area and have peaceful relations with them; they are doctors, store owners, security guards; they live in our neighborhoods and shop in our stores).  I have written and rewritten and rewritten again thoughts on what is happening, and posted none of it.

Rebbetzin Tzipora Heller is a world-renowned Torah educator who lives in Har Nof, the Jerusalem neighborhood where the massacre took place.  Her son-in-law and twelve year old grandson were present when the attack took place; her grandson escaped to safety but his father was critically injured when attacked with an axe.  He miraculously regained consciousness yesterday.  I am grappling with trying to keep a G-d oriented focus on the tragedies the Jewish people are suffering now, and Rebbetzin Heller shared the following today, which was helpful to me and I believe will be helpful to all of you.   (My added clarifications are  in parentheses.)

**********************************

>>Dear friends,

So many of you have showed concern and written, and even more of you have davened. I have no words to tell you how much this means not only to me, but to every one of us. Thank G-d, Shmuli (her son in law)  is much better. He is aware, able to communicate and reminded a friend that he is only giving him his seat on the morning bus to Mir (his yeshiva) temporarily. That doesn’t mean that the story is over. If we closed the book here it would be a cruel denial of our having lived through a pogrom that left Har Nof with four new widows, and 24 new orphans.

The four men who were killed were buried, and their death caused many of us to rethink our ideas about what death is really about. Is dying a brutal death at the hands of people you never met and certainly don’t threaten in any way a senseless desecration of life? Is dying for no reason other than the fact that you are a Jew a meaningless tragedy? Death is never sweet for those who are left behind, but there is some comfort in knowing that the death of these four men was a reflection of the way that they chose to live.

Their deaths had meaning.

The men who died in Kehillas Benei Torah died as they lived; they were dedicated to living with emunah and beginning their days with dedication. They were killed for not being Muslim.  When Miri (her daughter) received the call from the hospital social worker telling her to get to Hadassah (hospital) as soon as possible and not to come alone was one of the worst moments that anyone could have.  All four people in the car spent the twenty minute ride saying all of the variations of  “I can’t believe that this can be happening. It sounds terrible” than you can possibly imagine.

When we were allowed into the recovery room to see Shmuli after his initial surgery there were no tears, we were too shell-shocked.  It takes only seconds to assume a new sort of normal.  When I asked the nurse what the trickle of blood that I saw flowing out of Shmuli’s ear, she told me that they were able to control the majority of the flow, and that this isn’t really significant.  When they do the second surgery they’ll take care of it. The answer sounded reasonable and left me feeling relieved. I had accepted that blood coming out of a man’s head was normal, and that a second surgery was something to look forward to.  I don’t know what Miri was thinking, but the one thing that I know never crossed her mind or mine was regret.

Regret

Neither of us wished that he would have stayed home from the synagogue Tuesday any more than Sunday or Monday.  Neither of us wished that Mordechai would be the kind of kid who doesn’t like to go to shul with his dad.  We both know that the villain of the story isn’t the co-incidences of time and place that led them to be in Kehillas Bnei Torah Tuesday morning.  The villain is the man with the cleaver and the man with the gun. They are the stars of the tragedy but you can’t let yourself be blind to the fact that they are supported by a cast of thousands.  The countless kids who are taught hatred from their earliest youth for anyone who isn’t them. The kadi in the mosque who spews out Itbach al Yahud (kill the Jews) in his Friday sermon after duly praising Al-lah the Compassionate. There are bit players in the ongoing drama.

They have made the media the message, and the subtle and not so subtle anti-Semitism disguised pathological hatred for Israel all deserve billing.  Neither Miri nor I thought about them at the moment.  We were both aware of something much bigger, more real than the ongoing soap opera called Them against Us.  It’s called faith in G-d, who can turn things around in a moment, and whose will isn’t known to us, but His chessed (loving kindness) is.  It was the only thing that mattered in the recovery room.

Emunah (Faith)

Emunah means knowing that everything has one source, knowing that there is purpose and meaning.  It means that you will one day account for your life to the One who gave it to you.  It means that you are living on one page of an endless book, and the only thing that really matters is what kind of person you choose to become.

Choose Light

You can choose light.  You can choose learning.  You can choose acts of kindness.  You can choose closeness to the wounded by continuing to daven for Shmuel Yerucham ben Baila, Chaim Yechiel ben Malka and Eitan ben Sara.  The rabbanim have strongly recommended lighting Shabbos candles earlier.  Maharal (Torah sage who lived hundreds of years ago) tells us that the light of these candles is the same light that Torah sheds.  You can transcend your limitations and your attachment to materialism by giving charity.

A fund has been started for the widows and orphans left behind.  Donations can be sent to Kupat Ha’Ir, Victims of Har Nof Massacre Fund №: 20159, which is earmarked for the victims of Har Nof’s tragedy.  Various funds have been started, but the Rabbanim of the neighborhood have recommended this one because they are able to provide you with an American tax-deductible receipt to those who wish them. Choose to be part of their lives at this time. After all, you are part of the family.  (Edited to add – here is an online link where you can donate – https://www.kupat.org/contribute/?source=0&fund=66.)

Post this to your friends who want to look beyond the surface.

Love always,

Tziporah<<

**************************

Please click here to see the message from the four widows from the Har Nof attack of what they request our response be. 

With that I wish you all a peaceful Shabbos, as well a wish for perspective, hope and growth from all that the Jewish people are suffering not only in Israel but worldwide at this time.

Avivah

Trust the timing of your life

Trust-the-timeing[1]When I was burned in the spring, I told myself I was going to make nurturing myself my top priority and that a weekly massage would be part of that.  Well, I’m not so good at self-nurturing even when I’m trying and it took me seven months until I had my first massage last week!

After last week’s session my naturopath strongly recommended that I come back soon for another session since she noticed that I seemed restless even after the massage.

I scheduled the second session for today as a birthday gift to myself.  Massage is such an amazing way to release tensions stored up in the body.   I initiated these appointments because I’ve been feeling kind of flat lately.  It’s like each trauma that I went through in the last three years took a piece out of me and now parts of me that made me who I am aren’t active in me anymore.  I’ve been feeling like I should be actively and consciously moving towards a goal that I don’t have, and even if I did, I don’t have the energy or desire to take action on it.

The massage was once again wonderful but what was equally helpful was the conversation that preceded it.  My naturopath listened to me describing how unsettled I’ve been feeling and then said, what strikes her is that I need a lot of quiet at this time in my life.  I told her my life is very quiet now, only six kids are at home, everyone is healthy and doing well, my husband is working.  She said I don’t seem to realize that my quiet life would be very busy to most people!

She said, “Think of yourself as having been on a three year journey. What does a person look and feel like at the end of a journey?  They’re exhausted, their body aches all over and they need to rest.  You don’t recover from a three year journey in two days.  Well, you’ve just gone through three years of serious challenges and you have to give yourself time to regroup.”

Her encouragement was to make self-care my top priority and let go of the feeling that there are other things I should be doing now other than taking care of myself and my family.  It was incredibly validating, because my feeling has been that I just can’t take on anything else right now even though I think I should.  It was so validating to hear someone tell me that it’s appropriate and healthy to slow down at this point.  This is what I needed – not encouragement to believe in myself, to go for my dreams, to make something happen – but permission to take life slow, for someone to tell me that I’m not being lazy or unmotivated but that this is what I should be doing right now.

She reassured me that when the time is right, I’ll once again have the focus and direction to do the things I want to do, I’ll know what they are and move directly towards them but now isn’t the time for it.

You know, I tell others things like this regularly but somehow it’s hard to tell yourself these things even when you know they’re true.  It was much more powerful and helpful coming from her, trusting not only her life experience but someone outside of you can often see things about you much more clearly than you can.

Sometimes I look around and it seems so many people are accomplishing wonderful things – it looks like I’m staying in place while they’re moving forward.  Today I was reminded to trust life’s timing; when something is meant to happen, it will happen without having to be forced.  The perfect birthday message!

Avivah

Learning to play native American flute

grandcanyon1[1]I’ve begun learning to play the flute!  The native American flute, to be specific.  Are you wondering how I chose that?

Honestly, it’s not the first instrument that came to mind when I mentally went through a list of instruments I might be interested in.   In fact, it wasn’t anywhere on my list!

I wanted an instrument that wouldn’t be too loud, that would sound reasonably good from the beginning, something that would be relaxing and enjoyable to learn to play. That eliminated most instruments. (When I was in fourth and part of fifth grade, I played the clarinet – I still remember the well-justified jokes in my family about it sounding like a lovesick moose. :))

I love the mellow music of a saxophone but felt it would be a long, long time until I could play the kind of music I’d want to listen to.  Plus it’s loud and sounds horrible until you get decent.  I live in an apartment building and the thinking of my very sound-sensitive neighbors made this a stressful thought.

I then learned about the harp.  Just the solution I was looking for!  Soothing, relaxing, and not too loud. Yes, the harp would be just right!  I even found a used midsized harp for a reasonable sum of money – in the US.  Here in Israel, I found one used full-sized harp for 5500 shekels (over $1500). Not what I want or need to start off before I know if I’ll enjoy it or not.  Someone told me she knew someone who gives lessons and would bring a harp for the lesson, but I don’t want to be limited to playing an instrument only during lessons.

I mentioned my dilemma to dh, and he suggested I learn the native American flute.  It certainly wasn’t what I had in mind, but I didn’t want to wait months or longer until a harp at the right price came into my life to begin to play an instrument.  My mother has a couple of flutes so I called to ask her if I could borrow one.  Not only did she agree to let me borrow one, she gifted it to me!

I went online to search for tips for beginners.  I started practicing fingering right away, and within a few minutes, I loved it!  I love the resonant, meditative, soulful sound.

Something that has struck me is that this is an organic instrument and the approach to playing this is similarly organic (ie not linear/Western).  Online video instructors have said things like, “Let the music play through you, let your soul speak”.  “It’s about expressing who you are, what you do and how you do it, you’re not performing, you’re just enjoying it.  It’s just fun.  Allow it to flow.”  Of course you can use this flute to play standard music but they encourage you to find the voice of your soul before starting sheet music.

I’m just starting out and I’m finding this advice helpful.  When I close my eyes and drop any expectations of what it should sound like, I really enjoy playing.  When I don’t, I feel impatient with myself, that I need some sheet music, something to follow by the book so that there’s some guarantee that what I’m playing will sound ‘right’.  (I’m also beginning with sheet music which is a different way of playing and also nice.)

Rabbi Lazer Brody writes that the native American flute seems to be the same as the flute played in the Holy Temple.  It was described in the Talmud as a simple five or six hole flute made of bamboo, bone or wood – strikingly similar to the native American flute.

I don’t have ambitious goals – I’m picking it up when the mood strikes me and playing for as long or as little as I like.  Of course I love the idea of being able to play anything and sound amazing but I don’t need to put that kind of pressure on myself for an activity that is intended to be relaxing and enjoyable!

Avivah

Letting go of what others think of you

Over a week ago I had the opportunity to travel with a group of women to the graves of several Jewish sages in northern Israel.  (This is an amazing blessing about living in Israel, where you can have ‘field trips’ like these!)

I went to Amuka, where many pray to merit to meet their spouses – I was at Amuka only once, when I was seventeen and praying for my own shidduch!  The drive there isn’t easy, with hairpin turns and a steep descent.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to return (or when I’ll be ready to repeat that drive!), so I took the opportunity to pray for the future spouses for all of my children (all the way down to two year old Yirmiyahu :)) and for continued marital harmony for me and my husband.

Afterwards we traveled to Tzfat to the grave of the Ari HaKadosh, and from there to Meron, to the grave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai.  At Meron, there were several people collecting for charity but I didn’t know they’d be there and didn’t have money ready to give.  After I finished my prayers inside, I took out money to give each of the collectors on the way out.

The last woman I gave to looked at the coins I placed in her hand and as I walked away, began yelling after me: “What am I supposed to buy with this money?  I can’t even buy flowers for the holiday with this!”  As she was yelling about my stinginess, I was thinking how much easier it is to deal with someone’s displeasure when they aren’t close to you.  I didn’t like that she was annoyed at me when I was trying to be helpful but I was able to accept that was her feeling and let of it.

This remains a lesson for myself at this particular time – to maintain an appropriate emotional distance from those who return acts of good will with hostility, to feel compassion for their troubled state rather than blaming myself for not having done enough or been enough.

Gmar chasima tova to you all – may you have a meaningful, cleansing, powerful Yom Kippur as you let go of the limitations that keep you from forgiveness of yourself and others.  May you see yourself accurately, with all of the flaws that need work and teshuva, and appreciate all the beauty and strength that you mistakenly tell yourself isn’t enough.

Avivah

The sudden inflow of old friends into my life

friendship-heart[1]I have been having the most amazing experience in the last two weeks.  Suddenly several good friends from the past who I lost touch with are popping up again into my life!  It’s uncanny.  One person would be really nice but this sudden inpouring of people who remained close to my heart even after losing touch is just incredible.

Two of these reconnections came through my ds21.  He called a couple of weeks ago and told me to guess who his new roommate is.  I guessed the son of a friend who lives in Israel who I used to be close with.  ‘No’, he said, adding in an offhanded way, ‘though he also just started at the yeshiva’!  It turns out his new roommate is the son of a good friend in Canada who he was together in gan with – in Israel – when they were both three!  His yeshiva has only 37 guys, mostly Americans, and yet the son of two friends from Israel (who used to be our immediate neighbors in a building of only four families) and another young man from Canada – and of course my son, who came from the US – all ended up together!

The next friend I lost touch with when I moved from Israel to the US about 15 years ago.  Initially we sent one another letters (remember what communication was like before cheap/free international calling and email?) but over time that petered out.  She somehow found my contact information and we enjoyed our first talk in 15 years.  She said to me, “Avivah, it doesn’t feel as if any time at all has gone by when I’m talking to you!”  It really didn’t.

Lastly is the reconnnection of a dear friend from high school/seminary.  She was with me at my stepfather’s funeral when we were both 16, she was there when my mom flew to Israel for my wedding and her luggage got left behind – she accompanied my mom to the airport to pick it up an hour before my wedding was scheduled to begin.  (In case you’re wondering, we held off the reception until they got back – it was a mad rush.)  We last saw each other when my oldest was three months old.  And now after 21 years, thanks to a picture posted by a classmate of hers on Facebook, we reconnected.  (Please daven for Chaya Raizelle bas Chana Shaina that the medical diagnosis she receives today is clear.)

When I had considered trying to get back in touch with friends, I thought maybe they wouldn’t be interested, they’d be busy – life moves on and maybe I still felt a connection but they didn’t.  But it wasn’t like that at all.  They were all as delighted to speak with me as I was to speak to them.  The connections you make when you’re younger and have more time for friendships are very difficult to duplicate as you get older and busier.

I’ve been blessed with friends who are such incredible people – they were then and they’ve only become more amazing women throughout the years.  As I listened to each of them, I kept thinking what special people they are.  I’m really, really fortunate to have people in my life who have inspired and encouraged me and during our recent conversations, they continued to do so.

I have such a deep sense of love for these friends and I’m so grateful that it was possible to for us to be in one another’s lives again after so long.   True friendships are a special gift.  Now we have to make the effort to keep the rekindled friendship going!

Avivah

The Chinese bamboo tree and our three year aliyah anniversary

Chinese-Bamboo-Tree[1]Today marks three years since we arrived home in Israel!

It’s been a very full three years.  And as I sit here thinking about the blessing of living in Israel, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that we are able to live here.  So many people for so many generations wanted to live in Israel, and I not only get to live here myself, I’m also able to raise my children here.

I can point to many things about this incredible country that are wonderful, and I can point to plenty of things that are irritating.  But I have a deep soul level feeling that this is where I belong.  It was this feeling that propelled me to tell my husband I thought we should move to Israel along with our nine children that included four teens and one almost teen.  And we did, just five months later.  It was crazy or inspired, depending who you ask!

Many people have told me of having the same feeling of deep belonging when they visit, and that’s how it is – the Jewish soul and the land of Israel have a deep connection and the Jewish soul can never be complete outside of Israel.  You can have a great life – I certainly did! – but there was an empty space inside me that wasn’t filled until I moved here.

Now, our ancient sages have declared that Israel is acquired with suffering and this is as true in modern times as it was thousands of years ago.  It’s pretty much inevitable that no matter how well you plan, how well set up you are financially, with housing, friends, family, community….you’re going to have some curve balls thrown your way.  And some of them are going to be major.  I’ve shared about our experiences with that!  It’s as if you need to be tested in some way as a preparation since living here requires a higher level of spiritual connection.

But life does settle down and – though I know I’ve felt life was settling and then I was hit by a car, and the next time I was feeling settled I had a boiling can explode in my face –  I write without trepidation that things have settled.  Our kids have friends, my husband and I have friends, we are blessed to own a home that we love, we live in a beautiful city with lots of green space and beautiful views and we feel at home here in a way we never did in the US despite both my husband and I coming from families that were in the US for generations.

It’s hard for me to explain why our quality of life seems so much higher here, despite having much less materially than we had in the US.  Part of it is the soul connection to the land, part of it is the feeling that life is simpler here, of relationships mattering more than stuff.  My husband has been unemployed for over seven months and that’s not fun though it has precipitated a lot of growth for both of us (and I look forward to sharing with you when this changes!) – but our kids don’t feel poor.  Life is just simpler.  It’s more about living and less about having.  Kids here grow up with more freedom and less fear than kids in the US, and this simple, wholesome life is what I want for my children.

You know about the Chinese bamboo tree?  The Chinese bamboo tree has a very unusual growth pattern.  For the first four years after being planted, it doesn’t break through ground.  It looks like nothing is happening, it’s not growing and the person who planted it wonders if the seeds were a dud.  But he keeps watering it, trusting that something is happening underground even where he can’t see it.  And then suddenly in the fifth year, in five weeks it shoots up to over 80 feet!  An ‘overnight’ success built on years of setting down an incredibly strong, extensive and unseen root system.

I often think of the Chinese bamboo tree and take encouragement from that concept.  We’ve been sent many challenges since we moved to Israel that have forced us to look deeper inside and work through things we didn’t even know were there.  This growth and development isn’t visible and often it’s discouraging to work so hard and see no results.  But one day I trust there will be a shift when suddenly things are going to become so visibly amazing that it will be hard to believe how quickly it all happens.  When that occurs, we’ll finally see the results of building a strong foundation by working through lots of hard times and continuing to move forward.

As we mark our three year aliyah anniversary, I’m happy to be where I am right now.  My life isn’t perfect though I sometimes feel that it is.  I have my family, my health, an amazing husband and I live in Israel.  All of those took lots of effort.  I’m so grateful to be living here, so very, very grateful for my life that is overflowing with blessings.  And while I obviously have no way of knowing what the coming year will bring, I have a sense that we’re getting close to the bamboo shoots breaking ground.

Avivah

Preparations for Tisha B’Av

tishaBav[1]This year has been such an intense period of sadness for the Jewish people that it’s been all too easy to be in the spirit of the Three Weeks.

I went to a talk given by someone who grew up in Gush Katif (Gaza Strip) and was living there when the expulsion of all Jews took place in 2007.  It was more of a dramatic presentation than a speech, actually.  I came a few minutes late and when I entered, saw her standing in the center of the room with a balloon in her hands, with a number of other balloons on the floor.  She moved to Gush Katif as a five year old in 1978, married and had five children there.  Each balloon represented a memory in her twenty five years of living in Gush Katif (specifically Kfar Darom).

After she finished sharing the last vignette, someone rose from the audience and began to viciously pop every balloon, until all that were left was her sobbing, prostrate on the floor, with the shreds of the balloons scattered around her.

As a haunting song played the words from Tehillim, “G-d, why have you abandoned me?” and then went on to sing about the dawning of light, she slowly got up and began to gather the shreds of the balloons – the shreds of her life.  She bit by bit fastened them to a shape of a house made of tape on the wall behind her, as it became clear without words that her home now has been built upon the shreds of broken memories and dreams of the expulsion.

As the song came to a close, she sat down with a tehillim in her hand, the ribbon of a single balloon that said LOVE (representing G-d) wrapped around her hand, the balloon floating above her head.

It was amazingly powerful.

Then she shared with us about the background to this presentation.  She said after the expulsion she spoke many times before audiences until she reached a point she couldn’t listen to herself talk anymore.  Then for years she didn’t talk about it, until a couple of months ago she went to a therapeutic drama workshop.  She was asked, “Where are your memories of Gush Katif?” and she responded, “They’re locked up tightly in a box inside me.”

The presentation she gave was a direct result of her therapeutic process, as she began to open up and deal with the emotional trauma she experienced.  She told us how much she regretted having agreed to speak, and procrastinated about her preparations for this talk until the day before.  I was shocked to learn that this was the first time she’s ever presented in this way; she said it was very difficult for her emotionally.  Her emotion had been apparent but I thought perhaps it was done theatrically.  Our feedback to her had been that her message was incredibly powerful and touching, a testament to the suffering and loss of all those expelled as well as a the power of faith in G-d.

When I was younger, I wondered how the Holocaust could have happened – now in front of our eyes we see people calling for the death and destruction of Jews in countries around the world and it’s clear not only how it happened, but that it could easily happen again.  I see news headlines that are so bizarre that I think they must be parodies – yet they aren’t.  I see a worldwide justification of pure evil and the victimization of those who advocate for truth and justice.

In the middle of this incredibly disheartening and discouraging time, in the middle of the fear and frustration – we’re seeing miracles here in Israel (read an example of one miracle here).  Miracles every day that remind us that G-d is truly looking out for us.

The massive terror tunnels that crisscross underneath all of Gaza and leading into Israel civilian centers have been discovered, the mindboggling terror plot that has been in the planning stages for years and was set to take place on Rosh Hashana this year that would have resulted in the death of thousands – it was revealed and thwarted at the very last moment, just in time for us to take actions to save ourselves.  It came about through circumstances that were incredibly painful, but it allows us to directly see and feel G-d’s love and kindness in the midst of our difficulties.

Herehere and here are some of my past Tisha B’Av posts that include links to different videos and lectures for children and adults.  This year Ohr Nava has a lineup of speakers available online, as does the Chofetz Chaim Foundation (and many others – please share in the comments section if you have a favorite!).  Learning Torah is forbidden on Tisha B’Av; unfortunately, Jewish history is filled with suffering,  and reading/ learning about any of that is appropriate on this day.

Wake the Dawn: The Story of Jerusalem’s Holy Temple is a video that I plan to watch with our children on Tisha B’Av.

I usually read Book of our Heritage and learn the laws relating to the three weeks.  Another book that I love for Tisha B’Av is ‘And Rachel was His Wife’ – this is a novel set in the times of the Temple that is engaging and well-done, suitable for approximately ages 12 and up.

Tisha B’Av is not only the saddest day of the year, but the hardest fast of the year.  I can’t quickly find my past post about how to physically prepare for a fast but for those of you who see this in time, I’ll briefly suggest: lots of fluids (3 – 4 liters daily) ideally for the two days before the fast; the meal before the fast should be a mixture of proteins, good fats and some carbohydrates.  Watermelon is a wonderful food in the day or two before the fast to get you hydrated and keep you hydrated!

May this year our sorrow be turned to gladness!

Avivah