Category Archives: personal development

My father-in-law’s passing and musings about memories we leave behind

parenting, personal development

Thirty years ago, my husband and I dated and then got engaged while we were both studying in Israel. Afterwards we flew back to the US to meet each other’s parents.

It was erev Pesach when he picked me up to take me to meet his parents. I was going to be spending the seder and the subsequent meals of the first two days of the holiday with them. It was a rainy day, and he admits he was a little distracted and didn’t notice the exit we were meant to take until it was almost too late; he exited the highway too quickly, the car spun out of control on the slick road and we crashed into the side of the road. It was at the service station we had been towed to that I first met my father-in-law, when he came to pick us up.

He was kind and gracious, notable since it was his car my husband had been driving, and it was a few hours before Pesach began, a time that is generally very busy. This gentle, kind quality is something that has been consistent throughout the years.

At the beginning of this week my husband got a call that his father was suddenly given a very short time to live, and to get there as soon as possible. He was able to get a flight that night, and was there for three days, waiting for what we all knew was inevitable. He passed this morning.

My husband was the only one of my immediate family to be present at the funeral in person, but the rest of us were present via webcast for the funeral services. It was a gift to be able to participate in that way, to hear what was shared about my father-in-law. All of what was said was consistent with my own experience.

Afterward I spoke with my oldest son, and we talked about how a person’s life is summed up in just a few minutes. What are you remembered for when you’re no longer here? It really comes down to character and relationships. I would hazard a guess that even someone who was professionally very successful would not have this directly referenced as his greatest legacy unless he had no relationships that were of significance.

It’s not comfortable to think about what people will say about you at your funeral (at least for me it’s not), but I think it’s worth asking one’s self what you want them to say.

I’ve been thinking lately about acts of kindness. A couple of weeks ago, the weekly Torah portion included the concept of loving another person as yourself. We shared several stories at our Shabbos table of how people extended themselves for others, and I felt very aware that I have plenty of room to grow in this area.

Also in the last couple of weeks, the indoor mask mandates in Israel have been dropped, and I feel differently when I’m out and about. Warmer, more open, more friendly, more kind. More like the person I used to be. That means that my normative behavior has become more closed and self-focused in the last couple of years when I’m in public.

My newest daughter-in-law has an aunt and uncle in Baltimore (where my in-laws live) who during this week have been a beautiful model of how to reach out to others. They have visited the hospital daily, brought loads of food, sung and prayed with my father-in-law, picked up my husband from the airport, driven for hours to the burial in New Jersey – hardly knowing my in-laws or us. That kind of response comes from people who are so used to doing acts of service for others that they do it as naturally as breathing.

I think that when one is more open-hearted, one naturally notices others and wants to be of assistance. It’s first and foremost a way of thinking, that leads to a way of acting. I feel like a person who has been sleeping and has to shake off the lethargy, and consciously remind myself to do the kind of things I used to do on a regular basis.

While I don’t yet have an answer about what I want people to say about me after I’m gone, I’m clear that I don’t like the self-oriented focus that has slipped in. While in large part this has happened because I’ve perceived others as closing themselves in and not desiring contact with others, with this new awareness, I’m starting to make some very small shifts in the direction I’d prefer to go.

Avivah

Asking myself what feels fun – then joining basket weaving course!

homemaking, personal development

Frequently when a writer or commentator wants to hold up an example of a useless thing to spend time learning, they mention basket weaving. Or underwater basket weaving.

It’s interesting what we consider valuable and what we consider worthless. Hands-on creation of a useful object is a waste of time, and tapping away at a computer screen living in a digital world is an accepted norm. But putting that aside…..

I mentioned having participated in a basket weaving activity a while ago. I didn’t really enjoy it, primarily because of what I was telling myself. When forming the sides of that basket, it seemed like I needed to be an octopus to keep hold of the different ends. I looked around and all the other women seemed to be managing better than I was. I was feeling increasingly frustrated and inadequate, comparing myself to them. Thoughts began running through my mind: “Why do I put myself in these situations? Why do I have to do new things with new people and look like a complete incompetent?” I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to complete the basket and would walk away without anything to show for all of my effort.

After a few minutes of this, I got hold of myself and recognized the direction I had gone in. (It takes very, very little time for a mind to spin out into negativity!) I then asked myself, why am I telling myself this? It’s a beautiful day, it’s a lovely group of women and I get to do something I’ve never done before. I reassured myself that the basket would look just fine when I was done, and that my focus should be staying in the moment and enjoying the experience.

So I did.

And the basket, while not an impressive masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, looked like a basket when it was done.

My first weaving project ever – woven using westontonia and banana leaves

When I saw the ad about the next session before Pesach, I was simultaneously interested and avoidant, not wanting to have a repeat of my initial experience of inadequacy. But I told myself, I’ve already done it once and I’m going to enjoy it. I quickly sent my rsvp.

This was a project that I enjoyed much, much more.

Trivet made using olive branch for a frame, and date stalks

While we were working on our trivets, someone mentioned that there’s a local teacher who formally teaches basket weaving using traditional methods. I got her number when things quieted down after the holiday.

—————————————-

I’ve been interested in learning basket weaving for a long time.

As a frugal person, sometimes I’ll say no to things that seem unnecessary or don’t add value. Whether basket weaving has intrinsic value to anyone else or not, I’ve been becoming increasingly conscious of making decisions not from a logical/intellectual space, but by asking myself, what do I want? What feels good to me? The more I ask those questions and act in alignment with the answer, the better things seem to go.

When I called the instructor to inquire about her classes, I was delighted to learn that a new eight week series was beginning just a few days later! Despite it taking place in the busy late afternoon/evening hours, I was determined to make the child care arrangements work so that I could participate.

I’ve done two sessions so far, each three hours long, and am enjoying it so much.

The sessions takes place in a tent outdoors, lined with beautiful handmade projects the instructor sells.


All of the weaving in these sessions is done using date stalks. When I finished my first basket, the instructor suggested I could hang it up and use it to keep small items in. No, I rushed to tell her, I was happy to have the experience learning how to weave and wouldn’t be displaying it.

Well. Here it is on my bedroom wall now. 🙂

I haven’t yet trimmed the ends of this, but for now am enjoying the natural look of it.

In the second session, we made small baskets. I made two – they are a good size to keep use on the desk and I’m going to use these as well.

One of my baskets in process.

There are four of us in the workshop; two beginners and two who did the first eight sessions, and are continuing with more complex projects.

In the background, a more advanced student working on her basket.

The instructor does her own weaving projects alongside of us.

The basket the instructor began during this session.

There’s a meditative quality to basket weaving, and the more you do the more relaxing it is. Right now I’m just learning the basic process and the end result is usable but far from perfect. I’m really okay with that. I’m more interested in learning and am so, so much enjoying it. Coming out with a concrete project is a nice bonus but the creative process alone is worth it for me. I’m already thinking I’d like to continue when these eight weeks are finished!

Avivah

Has my tone been fearful in recent posts?

personal development

Some time ago, a long time reader sent a private message to me and commented that she felt that my posts have recently have a tone of fear that she didn’t see in the past.

I was bothered by this comment, very bothered. I especially value the feedback of those reading here for a long time and take it seriously, and have taken a long break from blogging while I contemplated the various aspects of this comment, the possible intentions, my intentions, etc.

Blogging is a challenging thing. A blogger chooses to open up and share about his thoughts, his life, his interpretations of events….and obviously it’s not possible for everyone reading to accurately sense the emotion that is behind the writing. And even if they could, everyone isn’t going to agree with all that they read.

That’s fine. As nice as it is to get positive feedback and to know that I’m writing in a way that resonates with others, it’s unrealistic to expect that others will always like and agree with everything I say.

I’ve mentioned in the past that it’s become emotionally constraining for me to communicate in the technologically censored world we have shifted to in the last two years. So many things can no longer be said, or no longer feel safe to say, that I tend to close up and don’t write about many, many things on my mind.

I was fortunate to encounter the internet in its earlier days, when it was a much more open place than it is now, and in hindsight I can see how unique a time it was. For me, the loss of that space and the freedom to connect with others in a deeply authentic way is something I mourn. Mainstream media has always been censored to some degree, and perhaps it’s to be expected that the censorship has caught up on the internet. Whether I should be bothered by it or not, the reality is it’s a very, very different climate than what existed when I began blogging almost 16 years ago. I can say with absolute certainty that I would never have begun blogging at this time in history.

How to continue to communicate amidst this shift has been an internal struggle; it’s a hard thing for someone who perceives transparency and truth as paramount values, to stay silent about important issues.

When so little is being said in the mainstream media about a topic, I’m aware that I may be seen as creating an issue that doesn’t exist by mentioning it. I’m not a gloom and doomer; I don’t enjoy talking about negative things and that’s not where I want to focus my energies. I prefer to focus on the good things in the world, which is part of my decades long gratitude practice.

However, I also don’t want to practice toxic positivity. There’s a spiritual principle that by putting our attention on something, we can cause it to increase or be drawn to us, and naturally one doesn’t want to draw negativity to one’s self. To many that means not acknowledging when negative things are happening, instead trying to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist.

For me, that doesn’t work. What does work is to acknowledge the situation that is triggering fear, recognizing what aspect makes me fearful, then taking steps so that I don’t feel fearful. The steps can be spiritual or physical, and for me usually are both.

If I write about those topics here, it’s usually after doing this work inside myself. For example, I didn’t write about food shortages until I felt inner calm about it. When I did bring up that topic, it was with the intention to encourage others to take a concrete and positive action and thereby create a buffer for themselves.

Am I creating fear by mentioning a topic of concern? Possibly. Who wants to hear someone say that the world isn’t rainbows and unicorns? Honestly, I shy away from bad news and prefer not to hear it, so I understand anyone else who does the same. However, it was because I felt so concerned over a year ago that I began to look more deeply into economics and other related topics. I choose to look current world events in the eyes because I prefer not to cower under my emotional covers by pretending the bogeyman isn’t there. And talking about the reality that I see doesn’t mean that I’m fearful.

If I’m sharing something that feels alarming to you, please share in the comments what it is and why. I’ll be glad to share how I found my own inner quiet if I also felt those concerns (chances are high that I did!). And if you’d rather not read that topic, that’s also fine.

Although for the most part I don’t feel fearful and actually am quite positive overall, I can see that my efforts to write in a more roundabout way than in the past on potentially sensitive topics could come across as fearful, because it’s not my usual tone. I think what may have come across wasn’t fear of the topic itself, but hesitancy about how to share about it in this climate that is coming through.

Please continue to share your sincere feedback with me. It’s not always comfortable but that’s how we all grow.

Avivah

Thanking teachers from childhood

personal development

A week and a half ago, I was listening to an interview with Rebbetzin Slovie Wolff, daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. For years I’ve been fascinated and inspired by Rebbetzin Jungreis, and I was especially interested in the interview with her daughter, herself a teacher of Torah with a focus on parenting.

In the interview, one thing mentioned was the importance of seeing the beauty and potential in each child. The interviewer commented that it made him think about teachers, and asked if this is something they should be doing since children spend so much time in school. They talked about how challenging this is to do, and Mrs. Wolff suggested that if he had a positive memory of a teacher, that he reach out to his teacher and let him know about it.

I paused the interview right there to think about my school experience. Other than one teacher, I didn’t have negative memories of any of them. They were generally all good, well-intended people.

On the other hand, I had few specific positive memories of any teacher in interactions with me. I didn’t have a personal relationship of depth with any one teacher. (I wonder how many people do!) However, two teachers that I have a warm feeling about came to mind.

Right that moment, I emailed the school office to request contact information for these two teachers. Being that both of them stopped teaching there thirty five years ago, they had to do some research (which I am so appreciative for their willingness to do!) and a few days later, I received contact information for one of them.

I sent an email to this teacher, expressing my appreciation for her. I received a beautiful email in return, letting me know that this is why she’s continued to teach, with the hope of making some small difference in the life of her students.

The second teacher I have gratitude to, wasn’t for anything he ever said to me. It was for one comment he made to my mother at parent teacher conferences, that showed he recognized my ability even though I wasn’t showing it as a student. Hearing that meant so much to me and still does, so many years later. Isn’t it amazing how something so small can be so significant to someone else? I hope that I’ll be able to get his contact information.

I had an an elementary teacher who I’ve thought about contacting a number of times over the years. I think she would get great nachas from knowing how I turned out, as would have my high school principal. He died with my good intentions still inside my head, but she is still alive. I did an online search and was surprised to find her phone number and address very quickly. She must be in her eighties by now, and I’ve been thinking about how to contact her.

I mentioned it to one son, who called when I was in the middle of researching this, and he suggested that I send a family photo from our most recent wedding along with my letter. While think she would appreciate the photo, I don’t want to delay my letter to get around to that. I hope to send the letter in the next week or so, and feel so grateful to still have this opportunity.

Expressing gratitude to those who have done something for us is so important. While I try to thank others in my day to day life, I’ve never reached out to my teachers from the past until now, and I’m so glad that I did.

Avivah

Is preparing for hard times a lack of faith?

parenting, personal development

I received a thoughtful response to my post yesterday about food shortages and my suggestion to US readers to buy some extra food.

>> The attitude you are approaching is the American prepping attitude. I am familiar with it as I spend a lot of time on online homesteading communities. It is a worldview born in the backwoods of America where this idea of each-man-for-himself independence makes sense (sort of).<<

I have been using the frugal strategies that I have shared for many years, long before there was a term calling ‘prepping’ or ‘preppers’. I don’t identify as such, nor do I identify as a homesteader, though for many years I’ve noticed many homesteaders have similar attitudes to myself in some areas.

>>It is questionable whether it belongs in a tiny urbanized country like Israel and, more specifically, in Jewish communities.<<

I question the assertion that a worldview of being responsible for one’s self rather than relying on others to take care of you is specifically American. I would say that historically this was the norm across all societies when people had the ability to do so. Food was preserved during the autumn (during times of abundance) to put away for the winter (a time of scarcity). Often people tried to put food up for two years, knowing that a crop could fail and they would be left without food if they only prepared for one.

This is the same thinking as having a savings account. When you have a good income, you put some aside, knowing that at a later time there could be extra expenses that come along, sickness, or job loss. It’s about being prudent with your resources at times of plenty, knowing that life shifts and unexpected things happen. Do people in urbanized areas not believe in financial investments or savings, do they not buy car or life insurance?

>>In the Jewish community, we are all one. It’s not every man for himself. If my fellow Jew is suffering, I am suffering. I am not interested in grabbing for myself or making sure that me and mine are OK, while my neighbors and wider society go up in flames.<<

It’s not only in the Jewish community that we are all one. All of humanity is one. What is good for one can’t be at the expense of what is good for others. This is inherent to my worldview.

There are three levels of functioning: dependence, independence, and interdependence, with interdependence being the highest level. A person can’t developmentally skip from one level to another. We all start off life dependent, and as we grow, hopefully become more responsible for ourselves. From that position of being independent, we can move into family and community relationships of interdependence.

I find the assumption that those who are being responsible for themselves are being selfish or lacking in faith to be a false and unfair construct. Yes, there are people who are selfish in this world. How that develops is the topic for another post. But generally, when we have more, when we feel internally abundant, we are more willing to share with others. We don’t teach a toddler to share by insisting he share before he feels a sense of ownership of an item. He has to be given the space to own it, to feel the fullness of having it, and from that place will naturally want to share with others.

As parents and as members of society, we give from a place of overflow. We don’t serve anyone by continuing to give when we are depleted. A mother who doesn’t take time for herself will become burnt out and resentful. A community member who has hardly any resources for himself will be preoccupied with meeting his own needs, and not only unable to help others, but the communal resources available will be directed to him.

To suggest someone do without because it’s not fair that others don’t have as much as him, isn’t helping others. We benefit as a society when as many people as possible become abundant (externally and internally), and use their personal resources wisely. To expect others to replenish us when we have the possibility of helping ourselves is choosing to be dependent. You help no one by teetering on the edge of barely taking care of your personal needs.

(Sometimes we can’t be independent; self-reliance in all areas is an impossibility. When we need it, it’s important to be willing to ask for the help we need and graciously accept it when offered. That’s where interdependence comes in.)

Back to the importance of being in a place of overflow. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket and due to a policy issue, an older couple’s check wasn’t accepted. I was at the customer service desk when this was happened, and because I had enough money in my account, was able to offer to pay for their groceries. Without the personal reserve, I could have given them a warm and sympathetic smile but the generosity in my heart wouldn’t have physical expression.

My fourteen year old son just asked me about joining a first aid course. I asked why, and he said he’s not interested in working on an ambulance, but he does want to have the ability to help others if someone gets hurt when he’s there. I didn’t tell him, no, that would be selfish for you to learn something that everyone else doesn’t know. I am delighted for him to have knowledge that can be shared with others at a time of need.

I want to be generous, and so do many others. I’ve read of so many people who are planting much bigger gardens than they need – so they can share; of stocking up on food – so they can share; people making plans to look out for more vulnerable neighbors who won’t have enough – because they care. Not because they are trying to grab all the available resources for themselves before anyone else does.

There are different ways to give, and different ways to be generous. Not just with your physical resources, but with your skills and knowledge. I have awareness of some things that are happening that many others don’t. I wrote my post from a place in my heart of giving, wanting to share what I know with the intention to help as many others as I can. For me, it would be selfish to stay silent when I can say something that could help others.

If people take steps to buffer themselves bit by bit, they will be much less anxious and afraid when encountering escalating food prices or empty shelves. Everyone who is independent is then in a position to be interdependent with others, and strengthens society.

>>If Hashem has social and economic upheaval in store for us,  I accept HIs plan and remind myself it is good. He has put us through tough times before and we have stood strong through our faith and through helping others and remembering always that He is One and we, His Children, are one.<<

I completely agree. And I also believe that we if we see a storm coming, we can go to the hardware store and buy sheets of plywood to cover our glass windows so they don’t break when the hurricane hits. We don’t stand outside unprotected saying, G-d will help me. We take whatever action we can, knowing that in the end, it is G-d who will protect us.

So this comes down to a personal question of where is the line for hishtadlus/personal effort, and faith. That line is different for every person, and the higher your level of faith is, the less preparation you need to do. A person needs to be very honest about what their spiritual level is; many people give lip service to faith when they just don’t want to be bothered to take any steps to help themselves.

Looking ahead and taking steps to mitigate a problematic issue isn’t having a lack of faith. Eizehu chacham? Haroeh es hanolad. (Who is the wise man? He who anticipates what is to come.)

I’ll go so far as to suggest that the person who chooses to take no action to shield his family from challenges, saying instead ‘It will work out,’ and leaves it to the efforts of others to make sure his needs are met, is the one who is being selfish. Community leaders work selflessly to find solutions for those struggling in their communities. I’ve occasionally behind the scenes seen the weight of the burdens these people are carrying. With so many people who have no way to create any buffer needing assistance, why voluntarily add to the communal burden?

>>When you read stories of those hard times and their luminous heroes, they are always the people who gave selflessly to others, not the ones who saved their own necks.<<

Survival and selflessness aren’t mutually exclusive. I just finished a biography of a Jewish family who believed the warnings that most others found impossible to believe in 1940s Hungary. They took action by obtaining false identity papers that enabled them to hide as Aryans, and survived when many others didn’t. When the war ended, they immediately became known as people that others turned to for assistance.

Our heroes show us much to admire and strive for. But who said everyone has to be a hero? We don’t have to be heroes, and we don’t have to feel guilty or inadequate that our goals aren’t those of heroic individuals.

>>If tough times are ahead, let’s “prep” by strengthening our emunah and our middos of chessed and ahavas yisroel. Rather than stockpiling more than ever, let’s GIVE away more than ever, showing Hashem that we know that only He can protect us. <<

There’s so much more to say on this topic; it’s something I’ve thought about quite a lot. I’m the first to admit that I have a long way to go in my spiritual evolution. But I think we can agree that strengthening one’s faith and connection to G-d is the most important action anyone can take, at any time.

Avivah

Back to quarantine…thinking about homeschooling again

homeschooling, parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

I got a call earlier this week that one of our school children had to go into quarantine. I was hoping that my five year old could have his birthday party in kindergarten with his nine year old brother in attendance before either of them were quarantined and we almost made it, but the night before the party we got a call that ds9 had been exposed to someone with a positive test result. (For those who are new, our youngest two sons have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome and attend a special needs school; our older son began there in the spring, the younger one began in September.) Ds5 had a great party but his brother wasn’t there.

The day after the party I preemptively pulled my five year old out. I took him out not because I’m worried about him getting sick, but because I don’t want to wait for him to be put into quarantine. It’s important for children to have a regular and predictable schedule, and I didn’t want my kids to have the stresses of the staff and scheduling changes that they would have in school while this upheaval is going on, and then to have the restrictions of being in quarantine at home.

That was Monday. On Wednesday, I received a call from the kindergarten teacher that validated the decision to take him out preemptively. In his class, students were exposed to a teacher who tested positive in the afternoon session. (Since my son is the only one who doesn’t attend afternoon sessions I’m wondering who isn’t in quarantine at this point.)

Due to so many staff members at the school getting positive test results (though they all had to get the poke or have regular testing to continue working there), they are combining classes, cutting the school day to half days and there will be no Friday classes. I’m glad they’re finding a way to make it work, and I’m even more glad that those decisions don’t affect us.

*********************

So this situation is providing me with an opportunity.

In recent months I’ve been thinking a lot about homeschooling ds9. When I made the decision to put him in school last year, I felt inadequate in what I was providing for him when he was home, and was sure that the experienced staff could do more for him than me. Though I’m very appreciative of the wonderful staff and all that they do, it’s now clear that I underestimated and undervalued all that I was doing.

What are some of the ways that I think homeschooling would benefit ds9? It’s pretty much the same as for all of our kids, though the stakes are bigger in his case. It would remove the pressures and limitations of the school environment (eg waking up early before his body is ready, the physical exhaustion from 2.5 hours daily of traveling to and from school, the lower expectations academically and behaviorally) while qualitatively offering him better learning opportunities. Being home would benefit his overall health, with more activity outdoors, better quality foods, and lots more love and emotional support.

When he’s relaxed and rested, he’s naturally a much more enjoyable child to spend time with. (Like every single person on the planet!) On the days he stays home from school his behavior and the quality of our interactions is so much improved. There’s no question in my mind that the person he will grow up to be will be dramatically impacted for the good if we make the decision to homeschool him.

That’s where the bigger stakes come in. Kids in special ed don’t get the same experiences interfacing and participating in the typical world as a child in an inclusive framework (be that homeschooling or inclusive education frameworks). I’m concerned that the older he gets, the more limiting the lack of this interaction will be for him. This isn’t a new concern for me; I’ve shared about it before and it’s something I thought deeply about before putting him into the school framework he’s in.

To be good at something, you need to have experience; the more experience you get, generally the more comfortable you feel and the more skilled you become. How can a child learn to interact effectively and appropriately in a world that he has minimal experience with, when there are different behavioral expectations than what he’s used to?

If that all makes sense, homeschooling doesn’t seem like a hard decision. What is there to think about?

My hesitations are regarding my physical ability to homeschool him. Two and a half years after being rear ended and my car being totaled in an accident, my energy remains very impacted and I still need to rest a lot during the day. So my question has been, even if it would be best for him, do I really have the physical and emotional ability to have a younger child who needs a lot of guidance at home? Even with twenty years of homeschooling behind me, this remains a real concern for me.

**********************

Have you ever made bread every week for an extended period? It was part of your regular schedule so you just did it. But if you stopped for a while, then getting back into doing it again felt hard, right?

That’s kind of how I’m feeling about homeschooling ds9. Though I was managing okay when he was at home, there were a couple of challenges together with my energy level, that led me to seek out school as the better option. Now that he’s in school, I see that the support for those challenges isn’t what I expected and isn’t resulting in a better outcome than what I had, but getting back into homeschooling is a mental hurdle.

************************

I’ve decided to use this quarantine period as an opportunity for me to enjoy being in a homeschooling framework with our nine year old, without any pressure to make an official decision.

Now, if there was the possibility of homeschooling ds5 along with ds9, homeschooling would be an easy choice. They are close friends and play beautifully together, and with the two of them together, they can constructively occupy themselves so that I don’t need to be the source of entertainment all day long. If you’re wondering what the issue with that is: Two and a half years ago we put in our request to adopt him, but were denied by the bio parents. We waited a couple of years and are now putting in our request again. But for now, technically (not in our hearts) ds5 is a foster child and needs to be in school.

So far we’ve been really enjoying our time at home together. We’ve been starting our days with an outing when my energy levels are higher, and that’s been great.

If you’re wondering how could he be wearing shorts and a tshirt in the middle of January – yes, it’s really that warm!
Ds9, a doting uncle with his 15 month nephew

Later, when I need to take an extended nap midday, I let them watch educational videos without even a drop of guilt, something that I berated myself for doing last year. I’m much kinder to myself now than I was last year, and it’s amazing how much easier and more enjoyable everything feels without self-judgment!

Avivah

Where has all the discourse gone?

personal development

The last two years have been trying in many ways for many people, and unfortunately, I believe that we’re far from the resolution of the situation that has been the impetus for so many difficulties.

One great concern to me has been the seeming disappearance of civil discourse, the ability to listen to, dialogue with and even to be good friends with someone who has a differing opinion on a significant issue. It hurts my heart to see the widespread fracturing of families and friendships. For many, many years, people could interface with others of different beliefs in a way that is becoming much less common today. Where has the civil discourse gone, and why has it disappeared?

I don’t think this has been a sudden shift. For years, we’ve become increasingly used to communicating with others via a screen, removed from their face, their expressions, their voice. That has made it easier to forget that there’s another live person on the  other side of the screen, a person who can be hurt by what you say.

As we have created more distance between ourselves and others, it’s become increasingly easy to negate others and their opinions. Social media has become an echo chamber, with people seeing news that matches their perspectives. But just as our immune systems are strengthened by exposure to unfamiliar germs, our emotional and social systems are strengthened by exposure to the thought processes and perspectives of others.

The cancel culture has been ramping up in recent years, and more and more positions on various topics have become taboo, something to be mocked and denigrated. Gone is the understanding that respectful communication and different voices are important and healthy for our development as a society and as individuals.

Listen first to understand, then be understood: a key principle that I learned initially from Dr. Stephen Covey that has been an integral part of my understanding of communication. To listen to someone doesn’t mean to listen to his words, readying yourself for a response and debate before he’s finished his sentence. It means opening your heart and mind to truly hear how someone else is feeling. We know our own stories so well, and we want to be heard. It isn’t easy to set aside the desire to speak and convince others of the rightness of our positions, and listen with an open mind to someone else.

With the dramatically accelerated censorship that has become an integral part of our media culture, communicating with others of differing perspectives has become much more challenging. We are shown only one perspective, we are told what is right to believe and told that those who don’t have those same beliefs and practices are a danger to the rest of society. Dialogue and sharing of differing opinions has been shut down. This is particularly alarming since historically, censorship of this sort has always been a preface to institutionalized tyranny.

While the alternative news sources haven’t been completely shut down, those accessing a different perspective from the mainstream narrative are accessing information that the vast majority of people aren’t seeing, and as conversations aren’t based on shared information, conversations become fraught with tensions. As a result, people become increasingly committed to their own perspective and can’t fathom how someone can think any other way.

Whether this has been a natural result of the online social world that so many call home, purposeful media manipulation or something else entirely, we don’t have to let ourselves be led down this road. We reclaim our own humanity when we see the humanity in others, as we respectfully acknowledge the right of others to a differing opinion.

Particularly at this time of so many interpersonal frustrations, it’s incumbent on each of us to be willing to open our minds to respectfully listening to someone who has a different point of view. Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated after an interaction with someone, or even thinking about perspectives that are disturbing to me, I’ll stop myself and think about why they might respond the way that they did. What causes them to think the way that they did? What paradigm of the world might they be operating from, what kind of life experiences might they have had?

I acknowledge that my life experiences and interpretations of events have led me to the conclusions that I live my life by. Others could have very similar experiences to mine and yet come to the exact opposite conclusions. This isn’t rocket science. It’s basic respect for another human being. But what is simple isn’t necessarily obvious.

Times are changing rapidly and it will be our ability to see the humanity in another, rather than caricature him as a member of a group that you’ve mentally written off, that has the power to reverse the dangerous and polarizing road we’re traveling on as a society.

Avivah

Recovering from traumatic situations, feeling unsafe

personal development

I said I was going to share more about frugality, and I will, but I’ve received a couple of emails with important questions that I want to respond to first. I’ve edited out specifics below, as I think this is a question many people have with their own personal slant.

>>I am so grateful to be out of “emergency” mode but lately I’m finding myself confused about some things in living, maybe it’s just that I’m having a few minutes now to process what happened.  You’ve shared different challenges over the years ….  I feel nervous to think that life can get back to “normal”. I feel like there is no such thing as normal.  Did you ever feel this way? Someone said to me that if we got through this, then we know we could get through anything, that sounded nice but the truth is I really don’t feel like having HaShem raise the bar, I think I’m only realizing now how hard this year was, and maybe a bit more traumatic than I want to admit. While it was happening I just kept putting one step in front of the other and stayed focus on what was needed in the moment to get our family through. I feel that the only sense of inner peace and calm comes with living with bitachon, no matter what life is going to send next.  To know it in our hearts, not just our heads.

Anyways I was just wondering if you could relate to these feelings.  My world definitely expanded ….my husband and I feeling stretched to what seemed impossible limits…. BH it’s good to have some of the intensity subside but I still feel a bit on edge and I’m trying to understand why so that I could move on and live more in alignment with how I think HaShem wants of us. <<

I can relate very, very much to these emotions. When you get used to living in extended crisis mode, it’s not natural to return to regular mode without a conscious adjustment. There’s an inner wariness, a guardedness, fear that something could happen again. Your body, your mind, your hormones are all on alert.

Our first few years of aliyah were one long stretch of ongoing challenge and while in my head I would tell myself it would get better, it was getting better – in my heart I was waiting for when the next shoe would drop.
(See my post here on my conversation with my naturopath seven years ago.)

Sometimes it’s enough to have some time to slow down, breathe deeply, and experience life without the heavy weight of life stressors to shift back into ‘safe’ mode. If this feeling passes within a relatively short time, great. But for me, I became aware I had internalized a certain amount of trauma that kept me from feeling safe even when the threat was removed.

About seven years ago I began my inner exploration of this issue. I slowly recognized that I held on to this thinking because it was my safety net when ironically, it was the barrier blocking me from feeling safe.

I had some beliefs that were subtle but I’ll try to explain it. I was looking at the world as a cosmic measuring scale. Into every life some rain must fall, right? There was a certain amount of suffering that I had to experience. If I let myself enjoy something fully, the ‘good’ side of the scale would be heavier – and that would mean something else negative would have to happen to me to balance it out. If I kept myself from fully enjoying the good, then it wouldn’t be counted as something good, and wouldn’t trigger something bad. Does that make sense? It was self-protective.

I could only fully enjoy the good in my life by learning to let go of the fear that something bad is around the corner. That’s meant internalizing what faith and trust in G-d mean, experiential learning that continues to this day. I say He’s always taking care of me, but do I really feel it?

I also had some anger I pushed down and didn’t want to admit to even to myself, anger at Him for putting me through some of the things I experienced, things that felt off the scale unfair. Yes, I knew I was growing, I knew everything G-d did was for my benefit and ultimate good – but I didn’t feel the love. I finally expressed that anger, which was very hard for me but also very important. It cleared the air in our relationship, so to speak.

For now, be kind to yourself and recognize that you’ve experienced a huge trauma, and it’s going to take time to let go of that tension that you’ve been holding in without realizing it. Get as much sleep as you can. Lots of relaxing music, time outdoors, meditation, and positive affirmations were – and continue to be – very helpful to me.

Avivah

Thoughts before Rosh Hashana, changing our future

parenting, personal development

We stand at the beginning of a new year, at a time when the fate of all humanity will be determined for the year to come.

When I think of the enormity of Rosh Hashana, I consider the year behind us and all that has happened. All of that was determined last Rosh Hashana. And so, if there is something that we would like to be different this year, if there is something that troubles us, this is the time to throw ourselves into prayer and beg G-d that the coming year be different.

I’ve shared about the deep, deep satisfaction and happiness I have when all of my children are together and enjoying one another’s company. I don’t think there’s anything else that brings me that kind of pleasure. I sometimes think about G-d looking down on His children – what would bring Him more pleasure than His children all getting along with one another?

People across the world have become fractured and feel separate from and sometimes even hostile towards those who think differently or make different choices. As hard as it may feel, if we can put those differences aside and instead of seeing a position, look at the person behind it, to value and appreciate the person, if we can have good will towards others and presume they have good intentions towards us – we can change the future.

Because when G-d sees us showing love and compassion for one another, it awakens His compassion for us. We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes and have endless room for growth, but when we come together with a desire for harmony, there is nothing that our loving Father wants to see more than His children getting along.

United we stand, divided we fall. This is true in so many ways. May we all be inscribed for a year of revealed blessing.

I wish for everyone one of you a year of health, blessing, joy in your family relationships, and a feeling of trust and well-being in your inner and outer worlds.

Much love to you all,

Avivah

Green Pass restrictions, creating the world we want to live in

health, homeschooling, personal development

Yesterday morning I went to a bris. When the baby cries, the window to heaven is open and it’s an opportune time for prayer. And I prayed for the coming year, that worldwise we experience healing, connection, expansion, safety, and to connect with G-d from a place of abundance (versus suffering).

Then I came home, and read an article that a friend and blog reader sent me regarding the opening of schools on September 1. At times like this I have to work hard not to feel despair at the Orwellian reality that has descended on this world, on this country, that saying the things that were written in this article are considered acceptable.

Background: the Green Pass system states the following: those who have gotten the *poke (explantion of why I use this term below), recovered from the virus or get a negative test result can participate in normative life. Anyone else can live on the edges of society, without being able to work, go to school, or whatever else they’re going to include – they started the process by letting those who met the criteria access cultural events, restaurant dining and the like, but are moving on to limiting access to core needs.

The policies and accompanying coercion are being justified as necessary for the health of society. Is it really about that?

People who got the poke can get the virus. People who got the virus can get it again. People who never got the virus can get the virus. We all know this.

If all those people can catch something and potentially spread it to others, why do two of those groups get a Green Pass, and only one group is barred from inclusion? After all, they are all at risk and they can all potentially put others at risk. Why is it safe for someone in the first two categories to mingle, when they are can also be a carrier of the dreaded disease?

From the article: “[Why should] an unvaccinated student who refuses to be tested should come to school and endanger the other children or the teachers?” he asked. “A sick person should remain at home.”

Does anyone else see the logic that is missing from this assumption? Someone who doesn’t want a test or a poke is not ipso facto sick. A healthy person is not endangering anyone, regardless of what medical procedures he does or doesn’t do. The prevailing narrative has become, get the poke and you’re at no risk and you present no risk. This is factually incorrect. Someone who got the poke isn’t ipso facto healthy, and still has the potential to pass a virus along.

From the article: “If a student refuses to be tested, then obviously he has something to hide. He won’t be vaccinated and also won’t be tested? Maybe the parents want to send him to school so that it’ll be easier for them.”

Every parent sends their child to school because it’s easier for them and they think it’s to the child’s benefit. Obviously, if it wasn’t, they wouldn’t do it. Parents are all sending their kids to school for the same reasons. Why is he sowing suspicion of other parents who have a difference of opinion about the desired course of action? Who does that benefit?

When this article was sent to me, it was with the comment, “Serious breakthrough for homeschoolers.”

I don’t see this as a positive breakthrough of anything. This is a breakdown of a democratic society veering right into totalitarianism.

If someone wants to homeschool, I support that. But to leave parents with no choice but to homeschool, in effect forcing children from school, because they don’t want to comply with very questionable policies that are being passed by a few politicians at 2 am when no one can comment or question them? No. I don’t support that and I certainly don’t celebrate that.

(And if you think that the Ministry of Education is going to approve all these parents who have been forced out of school for homeschooling, you’re greatly mistaken. It’s acceptable for them to drop the ball for over a year on the education of the students they are responsible for, but they aren’t going to be quick to pass the ball to someone else to play with. Make no mistake, they aren’t trying to expand educational options to benefit students, but to force parents into a corner.)

Here’s the paradigm that we’ve all grown up with: if you go along with whatever the government tells you, you’re a good and moral person. If you don’t, you deserve to suffer the full weight of the law. And that makes sense to us, because we see the laws that are passed as something that are necessary for the safety of society, that people who break the law are endangering us.

Is there ever a point that a citizen can question the actions that a government is taking? Has it ever happened that a government has taken actions and imposed policies that weren’t for the well-being of the population they were responsible for?

We’re being told these Green Pass policies are for the safety of society, and as is our habit, we agree that going along with the government decisions is good, that it’s all for our benefit. But what if the presumption that we are working from isn’t accurate? What if the Green Pass system isn’t about public safety, but about forcing compliance? They created a carrot to give to those who did what they wanted, which simultaneously created leverage to discriminate against those who didn’t go along with what was originally a voluntary plan. The result is institutionalized medical segregation.

Is there any point that people can be allowed to have a difference of opinion? Because right now a second class citizenry is rapidly being created, where no benefits will be available to them if they don’t act the way the government demands. We’ve seen how that works. World War II. Communist Russia. China. North Korea. There’s a very long list and it always goes the same way.

Please, please think about where this is going. No matter how strongly you may fear the virus and support these policies, can you take a step back and consider what is happening to the lives of those who feel differently?

Stephen Covey writes, before climbing a ladder, make sure it’s leaning on the right wall. What if we’re climbing a ladder of policies and it’s on the wrong wall, taking us all in the wrong direction?

How successful have all the preventative actions taken been until now, to wipe out the virus?

What if we had helped people eat better, think more positively, destress, feel safe and loved, decreased the financial pressures they felt? What if we had supported immune systems in the many, many ways possible? (That would have included mainstream Western medical options.) Should we continue with policies that are creating enormous ongoing stress for everyone, depressing the immune systems of us all? Should fear and dissension be spread rather than a spirit of working together, of valuing the differences, of assuming good intentions?

Could there have been a different way of handling this situation that might have had more positive outcomes?

The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. That’s what is happening. The policies – masking, pokes, lockdowns, arresting those who didn’t comply – didn’t work. Their conclusion? We didn’t do it seriously enough yet, or to enough people.

A mistaken conclusion is never going to bring you the results you want. Let’s hit the child when he doesn’t do what we want. Oh, he’s crying? Hit him harder, that will teach him a lesson. Mainstream thinking is that upping the ante of consequences will make people do what we want.

They can oppress more and more people, create more fear and anxiety. Meanwhile, everyone who falls into line can virtue signal about how they are good and the others are bad. The bad people don’t deserve the benefits of the good people. Unlike the Jews in the Holocaust or the blacks in the pre-civil rights era who suffered from something they couldn’t change, in this case, it’s okay to persecute people because it’s all their fault, they brought it on themselves by their noncompliance.

Blaming the victims is always an effective strategy.

The above approach was never going to work because that’s not how viruses work. Viruses have a natural life cycle, when they surge and when they seem to be gone. They aren’t. They’re just in the down cycle. They don’t go away, they continually mutate and adapt. They’re here to stay.

And whether we like it or not, the world we lived in is gone. It’s never coming back. Now it’s up to us to think about the world we want to create, and how to participate in that. Do you want a discriminatory medical apartheid system to be part of that world?

Avivah

*I’m using the word ‘poke’ as a replacement to something else that will trigger censorship; all recognized substitutes will similarly trigger. I in no way intend it derisively, it’s simply my attempt to find a way to dialogue about issues of the day.